post script

the wine my friend at work gave me did not turn into vinegar, but could it have turned into vodka? damn, it's all sweet and i've had three glasses and think i might be drunk. did i mention i love you, man? because I DO.

here's what 31 looks like!

my very favorite customer, eric, brought me a homemade bottle of wine for my birthday! a friend of his made it, and he was worried about it having gone to vinegar (since it's all organic, no sulfites, that sort of thing), but as you can see, it is indeed quite palatable. in fact, it is delicious. more sweet than "medium sweet," but it truly tastes like a fresh raspberry. a raspberry with an attitude.
i am enjoying a glass as we speak. or you read and i type. whatever. there's a good chance i'll enjoy more than one glass, as well. in fact, i'm going to go pour glass two right now! then watch cartoons!
maggie made me a pine cone pet (with her mom's help, of course. we love mag, but we are not letting her use a hot glue gun just yet!), and my pop was kind enough to drive all the way from the island to my work to give it to me, along with my birthday card from my family. seeing pop at work just about killed me. trying not to burst into tears the minute i saw him was pretty intense. i know that my little troubles are small, but the fact is that i haven't gotten to see my family or spend any real time with them in a few weeks and it was seeing dad this afternoon that made me realize how much i miss them, as well as how comforting they are just by being around. i am not getting an official present from them, because they helped me save my stuff in storage in that was my present, but i could care less. they got me this sweet card that sings "my girl" when you open it and after pop left i ran straight to the bathroom where i cried my eyes out for about fifteen minutes. partly because i'm sad*, but mostly because everyone today was just really, seriously, awesome.

my friends got me this rad cake in the shape of cheese wedges, i got big hugs, a friend i hadn't seen in a while went out of his way to come see me at work, and everyone was just genuinely, honestly nice and wonderful. it's still hard for me to see the guy at work and miss piggy palling around, but knowing that 85% of the people i work with care about me and worked hard to make my birthday special just blew me away. i'm very lucky. thanks for all the birthday well wishes, i appreciate them all. it was a good day, and tomorrow when i get to go out and celebrate i'm sure it will also be fantastic. hooray for another year! let's all cross our fingers that my 31st year on earth is reasonably pleasant and i meet a nice, tall boy to make-out with and my cat stops peeing on my pj's. she really seems to enjoy doing that if i leave them on the floor in the bathroom. crazy.

*i got some bad news about my grandmother today. truth be told, i was kind of surprised at my reaction. she is not a woman i particularly like, nor does she care much for me, but the fact remains that she is my mother's mother; hearing about her hurt or in pain or struggling is hard for me. not only do i feel badly for her, but then i start worrying about my mom and how she's doing and it spirals downward from there. my grandmother may not be the nicest woman, she may not have been the best mother or grandmother, but she is family and hearing about what she's going through right now made me cry pretty hard. just when i start thinking i'm a cold-hearted bad-ass bitch i inevitably start sobbing like a schoolgirl. my cover is blown! i'm sensitive! dammit!

my last post as a 30 year old

in five minutes i'm 31! crazy. good crazy, but crazy nonetheless.

i thought i had the day off, and i did have half of it to myself, mainly because when they called me in i was all the way in lynwood and told them they would just have to wait. i was annoyed, and hungover, but he hours are totally appreciated.

i've been digging on old pj harvey albums lately. i forgot how impossibly awesome both dry and rid of me are. i remember buying dry, sometime in high school, after reading a review of it someplace, and it just totally kicked my ass. i had no idea women could sound like her and still have the giant guitars and rock. i still have the early albums on cassette tape someplace, but i recently went ahead and replaced them with cds.

i think tomorrow i'm going to try to hunt down some scary movies to celebrate my birthday with. i'm hoping for some rob zombie films, and some zombie goodness. now i'm going to go spent the rest of 30 playing with the cat who is seriously pissed at me for not coming home last night. what can i say? i clearly couldn't drive home and instead went to a house party after singing piano man at karaoke with friends. vanilla vodka and ruby red squirt are a delightful pair, by the way.

something in the air

everyone is having a lousy week. it's not just me, and pretty much everyone else i know having a crappy time is having it much worse than i am, so i feel guilty for wallowing around in boy-self-pity. a good friend of mine just got a DUI. another found out her husband is sleeping with what used to be her best friend. one of my favorite customers is helping his girlfriend go through the last stages of her cancer. a cute couple i work with are going through the first stages of breaking up. everyone i know is sad and freaked out and worried about the future. it's a mess. i find myself hugging my friends a lot lately, hugging them tight just so they know i'm here.

this all makes me want to cancel my birthday plans and just settle in for the rest of the month at my house with a cup of tea, a few knitting projects, the kitten and her toys, and just hide out until the emotional storm passes. that's probably not very realistic, but a girl can dream.

true story

maybe it's because i'm sick (some stomach bug side-swiped me, making me barfy for longer than was comfortable!) or maybe it's because i have pms, or maybe it's because all i want to do is cry today, but i'm going to tell you the real reason i've been so moody and shitty and down-on-myself. it's not a pretty story, though, and i'm afraid it makes me looks shallow and petty and way too invested in what boys think of me.

okay, and here is the thing i wanted to tell you but didn't, the thing that's got me down like nothing else. remember mr. guy i work with that i have a huge crush on? yeah, well we finally made our move. by "we" i mean i started it but he totally took the ball and ran with it. it was fun. it was more than fun. then he started getting all weird and not returning my phone calls and meanwhile i'm busy telling no one anything because we work together and i figure no one needs to know, and he agrees. then, about a week after our little rendezvous i find out he's been out all week with another girl we work with. a girl who he always made fun of me for hanging out with, a girl he never did anything but shit-talk, a girl who frankly looks like miss piggy with a bong. she's the girl with the giant mouth who found the fisherman's personal ad on yahoo and told the whole store! basically, i'm honest with him about having a big old crush, he takes advantage of that, then moves on to a muppet. a skanky muppet with a drinking problem. i feel like shit. i'm hurt, humiliated, and sad. he picked her over me, and i can't help but thinking i totally should have known better. i should have seen this coming! i knew he was cowardly, i just didn't realize the extent of it. they're still hanging out, almost two weeks later. everyone at work knows about them, no one knows about he and i (except for two or three folks, who are very good at keeping pie holes shut), and every time i see him i just want to crawl into a big hole and die. or set him on fire. i vacillate between anger and hurt, with part of me thinking "well at least i'm not a fucking coward" and part of me shrinking away like "oh my god, he really likes her more than me." he picked her over me! or maybe he didn't. i don't know. he won't talk to me, and that's probably for the best. i have to tell you, that one time we hung out he was impossibly sweet and adorable and wonderful, telling me how long he'd waited for this moment, blah blah blah. i played right into it. now i feel...horrible. i feel like a loser. i can't believe i wasted a year crushing on this guy! oh my god, i am so retarded.

i understand that being hurt is a reasonable response to this situation. i realize that it will pass, and that finding out now what kind of man he truly is is for the best. i know that i didn't do anything wrong, and that more than anything i should be angry at him for lying to me and being deceitful. it just hurts. i'm not the sort of girl who mopes about boys normally; i might feel awful but it tends to be short-lived, and i can shrug off boys who don't dig me. i've never been the pretty girl, i've always been sort of challenging to date, and i'm not everyone's cup of tea. i'm almost 31 years old, i know my own limitations and have worked with them for years now. something about this boy, though, this particular situation, has me feeling rotten. i really liked him. we had this fun, flirty relationship. he was a very, very good kisser. now he's dating the loudmouth stoner chick with crazy clown eye makeup. what can i do? nothing. just wait for it to stop hurting.

no one loves me, i think i'll go eat worms

i found this video on youtube tonight while feeling nostalgic for my youth. ah, julianna. so sad, so cute.

lately i totally feel like that girl who's all caught up in what guys think of her and feeling sorry for herself (there's a story that goes here to explain that, but i don't want to share it because i end up looking like a giant pathetic jackass!), and some of it has to do with things petering out with The Boy, but more of it to do with that thing i'm not telling you. i'm an obtuse, pathetic jackass. needless to say, i think i'm only ever going to need a single bed now and forever. no one is ever going to love me, and my jerk-magnet is as strong as ever!

in any case, i'd like to reassure everyone, myself included, that i know all this moping is retarded and not productive and i promise it ends soon. after you watch this video and giggle at what a ridiculous teenager i was then, and how dumb i'm acting now. birthday's always make me a pensive asshole, so let's blame it on that, okay? agreed!

please be honest

i am thinking, rather tentatively, of putting some of my watercolor little people up for sale on etsy. keep in mind they are small paintings, only 4x6 inches, pen and ink illustrations with some watercolor splashed on. i was thinking of selling them for about $25-$30. do you think that's reasonable?

things i have learned about lulu

• she is very playful, but gentle. i like to rough house with her a little tiny bit, and she bites very gently and purrs very loudly.
• she's starting to respond to the name lulu.
• she will indeed come running when i shake the kitten treat box.
• she knew exactly what that bag of food was, and meowed until i opened it and fed her.
  
• then she took a giant poop in the bathtub; proving that she's smarter than the average cat. i put the litter box in there after that, so she'll use it. other than that, i'm not exactly sure how one goes about encouraging litter box use! if you have tips, please leave them.
• she likes catnip.
• she's a fan of yarn and yarn balls and things being knit.
• she talks back when you ask her a question.
• she seems to like everyone in the house, but she follows me around.
• if she's not in my lap, she's under my seat.
  
• she really, really digs a good head scratch.

i have really missed having a cat around. there's something very rewarding about having a cat like you, because you know damn good and well they could do just as well without you. when i found her this afternoon, she was sitting out by the house i saw her near last, and when i walked out there and asked her what she was doing, she just meowed at me. that made me laugh, and i kept saying, "come over here!" and she kept meowing, until i crouched down and then she came running. we had a good pet, then i started walking toward the house and she just followed me in. it's hokey, finding a stray and thinking, "OMG! kitten!" but damn. i'm a hokey girl, evidently.

songs that are awesome

either while going through a break-up or feeling bad about boys in general:

• suedehead, morrissey. most morriessy will make you feel better, this one will make you feel both sad and bitter and eager to sing along.
• strong man, luscious jackson. because sometimes you need reminding that you don't suck that bad, maybe he does. it's also a nice reminder that being in a relationship with someone who's on the same page as you is really better than anything one-sided.
  
• fuck and run, liz phair. um, duh. if you are a girl like me and grew up in the 90's, you love this song.
  
• somebody i used to know, elliott smith. i know anne doesn't care for elliott, but i like how even his sad songs have happy sounding guitars.
• you were wrong, built to spill. another happy sounding song that is a bit on the grim side.
• lost cause, beck. while i am not the biggest beck fan, this song perfectly sums up the "this relationship is doomed" feeling one might have.
  
• the hopeless waltz, blanche. this one makes you want to wear a long skirt and stare out a rainy window while sighing deeply.
  
• no more words, berlin. that's right, talk is cheap. added bonus: terri nunn's hair in the video is crazy fierce.

any other suggestions?

dammit!

kitten-sized hole in fence. kitten gone. will kitten come back? cross your fingers.

they called it kitten love

meet lulu!

a few weeks ago at work we all noticed a cat that we thought had been dumped at the store, which is a fairly common occurrence. people think they'll get picked up by someone else easier or something, or you know, get squashed by a car. she was small-ish (maybe a teenager?), fairly well fed, friendly and sweet. for a while no one thought much of her; there was always the chance that she had wandered away from home, and would wander on back. of course she had no tags or anything, and various co-workers would feed her in the morning and leave out little cups of water. she's been getting thinner, of course, and the weather is turning cold, and we've all been talking about who should take her home.

last night, after one of the worst days i've had in a long time, she came running out to meet me. i sat down and we talked (she is the meow-iest cat i've met since aria!), and she was cuddly and at one point she curled up in my lap, tucked her head into my sweatshirt and purred like no tomorrow. what could i do? i decided at the very least i would take her home, and this morning take her to the local no-kill shelter where she could be taken care of before some other lucky sap found her and took her home. i estimate that process would take fifteen minutes. but she walked into the house, took right to my roommate, curled up on the couch and dar said to me, "um, i think we have a cat."

damn straight! i'm totally smitten. she slept with me on the couch for a long time last night (i crashed early) and then woke up with me to come to bed, where she crawled under the covers with me, just her sweet little head poking out. she didn't pee anywhere, or freak out and eat shit while i was sleeping, and this morning when i said, "good morning lulu!" she turned to me and stretched out her little paws for a pet. at this very moment she is asleep on my bed, full of tuna for breakfast. she's been outside to do her business, she's checked the house out, she's headbutted and kissed me countless times, and for the first time in a long time i feel pretty pleased with myself. lulu! whoo!

blue in the face

nataliedee.com
it's no big deal, but i am feeling kind of down these days. a little on the blue side, nothing too terribly serious, but honestly, getting out of bed some days is a task on par with climbing some big ass mountain to me. when i step back objectively and look at things, i'm relieved to know that feeling this way is actually pretty normal, considering. things aren't that great, i should want to crawl under the covers and stay there another half hour.

when i think about my life this time last year, i was fairly happy. it's true i was freaked out about my work situation (if you had told me last year that i would still be working for this grocery store, i would have punched you in the face, and yet! here we are!), and my pop's health, but happy to be home. grateful i could help out with radiation duties, even if that sucked for everyone involved. enjoying maggie in the morning, and the way she would crawl up onto the couch with me to cuddle in the morning. my little brother* was still alive. i was in love. i was happy it was fall and aside from a few bumps in the road, having a fairly good time. i wasn't exactly where i wanted to be, you know, because i lived with my parents, but i felt pretty confident that i was on the right track.

i don't think i can say that now. i'm still trying, don't get me wrong, but i feel this overwhelming sense of spinning my wheels lately. my debt is still out of control, i am living in a house that i wish i wasn't living in (or maybe with different roommates!), i have a job that is problematic even when it's good, things on the boy front are dismal at best**, and more than fifty times a day i think, "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" we're like children, we're not men. no, no we aren't men, and i can't call myself a grown-up with any conviction. bleh.

i'm trying to draw more small comics, remembering a piece i read years ago by sean nelson (one of my favorite singers and songwriters), where he quoted an old adage, "happiness writes white." got a little sad in me, i'm going to draw little pictures to make it feel better. what else can i do? staying in bed permanently isn't really a viable option.

*for those who don't know, my little brother was my parent's black cocker spaniel, daggett. he was awesome, and the joke when the got him was that they got my sister and i a "little brother" and that's what we always called him.

**duh. i'm not going to spell it out for you, but i knew it wouldn't last long and it didn't. it was fun and all, but then my phone quit ringing. i guess i'm not as awesome as he said i was!

crafty frugality

i just went grocery shopping for the week, and spent a mind-boggling $33! dear diary, i love the grocery outlet. right now i'm cooking up some faux-spanish rice (regular rice doctored with sauteed onions, garlic, and salsa), so i can make my own frozen burritos. basically you assembly line a whole mess of burritos and then wrap in plastic then foil, and freeze. when you want one, you just grab one out of the freezer and microwave it for a few minutes, sans foil, until it's hot. everything in them is pre-cooked, and i make them just straight up beans and rice and cheese, so there's no worry about not cooking them through and getting food poisoning. when you food poison yourself, you really feel crappy. i also bought breakfast stuff, like bagels and eggs, and stuff to make tuna pasta salad. all cheap eats, but it will get me through the week and make sure i have enough to pay all my bills this month. i did also indulge in two $3 bottles of wine, because i know i won't be going out much. six bucks seems like a good investment in my happiness!

now i'm going to do laundry, clean my room and bathroom, and generally dork out on how awesome getting shit done is.

of twitter and skirts

sometimes a girl just needs to put on a skirt and some eyeliner, and suddenly she feels pretty. at least i do today. going out later tonight, but i don't see the point in wearing a pair of pants all day when what i want is to wear my new black skirt. i want to wear it all day, every day, and to bed. i'm in love. it's just stretchy enough to fit well without highlighting too much of the chub, it's the perfect length for me (right about my knee) and is basically what i look for in a skirt. for me, the right black skirt is something i can build any outfit around. t shirt and tennis shoes? check. cute top and ballet flats? check. hair and make-up? sure! sweatshirt and legwarmers? awesome. i'm a happy girl right now.

and i know my twitter's being an asshole; i had to switch over to private for a few days because i was getting an obscene amount of diet spam. dear twitter, i know i'm chubby, but that doesn't mean i want five hundred people following me with names like "fatlossforidiots" and "hoodiaman." should go back to normal once i stop getting requests from those jerks.

jerk face!

lately i am so inept that i have taken to microwaving all my meals. which is retarded, considering i have refused to own a microwave for many, many years now. it's only when i have roommates that i have access to one, and even then i eat all my leftovers cold. however, the last time i tried to cook something on our beautiful gas stove, i spaced what i was doing, and burnt the hell out of it. the fire alarms went off, and i stood there in a smoky kitchen crying and feeling bad for myself. the microwave, on the other hand, beeps when stuff is done and shuts itself off. so there.

aside from my horrible new culinary habits, not much is going on over here. i'm addicted to youtube, trying to make and stick to a reasonable budget, and thinking seriously about declaring bankruptcy. what the hell, i'm already a 31 year old with roommates who works at a grocery store, what else do i have to lose? fuck my credit score, it's already crazy-bad and i never want to buy a house so whatever. hmmph.

i really am totally neurotic!

however, sometimes i just need to say things out loud and then i'm fine. there must be some sort of psychobabble term for that; verbal exorcism or some such thing. had a really nice talk and time with The Boy this afternoon, watched the debates on the internets, had nachos, made-out. in all, a good afternoon. my cheese class was awesome and i was reminded how much i really dig those other cheese-y kids. everyone is going through sucky, shitty times, we are all stressed and slightly unhappy, but in it together. cheese-y in more than one way. camaraderie is a nice feeling. plus i got some awesome parmesan knives. good, thick handles, perfect for scoring hard cheeses or shanking your prison yard enemy.

i might be sad and heartsick and freaked out about money but i'm not the only one and there's only so much i can do. even i get prune-y in the tub and have to get out sometime. i'm going to start by enjoying small things and drinking more tea and goofing off with maggie. (and trying to get The Boy to kiss me more often.)

and my dear bad penny, i am totally digging emily haines now. why didn't you mention her sooner? she reminds me a bit of cocorosie, as well as a band that i don't know if anyone else loved the way i did in the 90's, suddenly tammy! i think it's the piano that does it for me.

less nervous, just barely

i keep getting shitty news and it's bumming me out. it's totally harshing my vibes, kids. my grandmother, who i do no care for and who does not care for me, but who is still my goddamn grandma, is pretty sick. i mean, she is in her 80's and most of what's wrong with her is simply due to age, but it's gotten to the point where she needs some help. not moving-into-a-home help, but nurse-coming-by-every-day help. my grandfather passed away almost 20 years ago, and what little he left her is gone now, and then there's my good-for-nothing mooch of an uncle to take into account, and all this is bringing my mom down. of course she's helping out, as much as she can financially since grandma is over 3,000 miles away, but it's wearing on her. i'm wearing on her. having to babysit my niece on her days off is wearing on her. having a sick husband who is at times not the most charming or easy to live with man is wearing on her. three adults and a toddler crammed into 800 square feet is wearing on her. mom is tired, and rightly so.

she didn't tell me any of this until after i told her about my plan to move and get the fuck out of town. and while she's nothing but supportive of me, i can't help but feel like maybe now isn't the best time for me to start all over again. maybe what i want isn't the most important thing right now, and maybe i can start by taking one of my days off on the weekend so mom can actually, you know, relax. or zone out. or do dishes or laundry or cry in the bathtub (what? i think that's a perfectly reasonable day off activity, thankyouverymuch). i might not be close to my grandmother, but i am close to my mother and watching her go through all this is killing me. i feel like the world's most disappointing daughter, like there isn't enough i can do to help out, and am i really that pissed about the 12 year old stealing my face srub? god, i suck.

the only things keeping me sane are a little something i like to call benzo's, as well as cheese and cartoons and hearing maggie tell me over the phone that she is a burrito and would like a balloon, balloon, now please. i keep making and re-making plans, drawing out schematics in my head and crunching numbers and trying not to freak out on every and anyone who asks, "hey, how ya doin'?" i feel like i'm going to explode. POW!

now i'm going to go climb into my own bathtub, and try to relax because i just found out that tomorrow i have a cheese class at an ungodly hour. and by "ungodly" i mean "before noon." jesus, don't they know i'm not mrs. mary sunshine in the morning?

p.s. i got to see The Boy last night, only for a little while i was at work and he was doing homework, but it was nice. he's got a cute smile.

p.p.s. i still need to find a new place live. cheaper than $400 and not to crazy far away from work would be awesome. know anyone who needs a nerdy roommate?

who feels like riding the nervous train?

all aboard the anxiety express! i've been riding it all day, save for a brief few hours at the movie theater, where i saw the dark knight approximately later than anyone else on the planet. what did i think of the movie? it was excellent and damn if i don't find superheros as well as villains crazy sexy. granted, i do not like the bulldog voice that bale adopts as batman, but i'd still like to rub myself against that fancy rubber suit. rwarr....

my financial situation is in the shitter, i'm going to have to ask my parents for an obscene bailout a la fannie and freddy; i hate where i live; i got The Boy sick and as a result will probably never see him again; and am planning what is hopefully my last move for a while. i feel excited when i don't feel like barfing or breathing deeply into a paper bag.

the fact is, the job isn't working out for me. i've looked in the area pretty extensively, and have found nothing better. my prospects in a city, like, say, portland, while i'm no clairvoyant, seem better. the job openings are there, thanks to the holidays. i have friends in that city, they have a room in a basement for rent. it's where i've always wanted to be, and to be frank, there isn't much holding me to this town specifically. i like being able to go home and visit my folks for the weekend, but portland is really only 4 hours away, and nothing like colorado. my father is full of rage, he's taking it out on my sister since she's home the most, and as a result our relationship right now is strained (with both pop and my sister!). my mother seems relatively calm and supportive about the whole thing and i can't tell if this is because she honestly thinks it's a good idea or if she's given up trying to talk some sense into me. plus, i think she misses the city the way i do, which is another reason i want to go. i miss city life! i miss hustle and bustle and public transportation, and feel like portland and i would get along great.

i'm torn. i want to tell this town and my job to fuck off, pack up what little i have, sell the rest and get out of town. at the same time, right now i have a job, and even though it sucks ass and pays abysmally, it is indeed a JOB. there's always the chance i won't find anything in portland. what happens then? should i just keep looking here and struggling along? no matter what, i have to move out of this house. living with a teenager who's voice makes me want to slit my wrists and who has no fucking boundaries is killing me.

let's not even discuss The Boy. i like him, and haven't been able to talk to him about any of this because i've been sick, he's been busy working and schooling and parenting and this isn't something i want to talk about over the phone. he's a good guy, he deserves more than that. to be perfectly honest, i don't think this is going to phase him much; he's got a whole life going that needs his attention, and while i'm sure he enjoys me, i don't think he feels "that way" about me. this isn't me being a sad sack and feeling sorry for myself, it's just a gut feeling i'm going with. he's lovely, he's wonderful, no one ever has anything but kind words about him and i'm lucky to get to hang out with him. of course i'd like to continue that, but i'm not entirely retarded.

so, if anyone has any ideas or anything, feel free to let me in on them. if a debt has been sent off to a collector, is there any hope in consolidating it with a non profit? who should i call? i don't want to put all my specifics out there, but if you have questions, email me. maybe you guys know something i don't. wait, maybe? of course you do. collectively i believe you all are a lot smarter than i am! now if you'll excuse me i'm going to go drink more coffee, rub all my raw nerves together and hope for a miracle. whoo!

grrrrrr....

this is one of those days where i know i'll end it by saying, "i should have never gotten out of bed." the weather is crappy, i've been up for like an hour and have already gotten into a fight with my sister (who is being a total bitch! seriously!*), my cough is still here and still gross as ever, and i know it's irrational but i had a bad dream involving The Boy and now i'm irritated with him. um, hello, i'm crazy. maybe today is one of those cocktails at noon sort of days and i should give in, take a shower and settle in for the afternoon. i'm also toying with the idea of going to see a matinée; i can't decided between the dark knight (which i still haven't seen) or burn after reading. thoughts?

*this is the thing; i have pissed my father off royally. like he's going to be mad at me for months now, and molly has to hear about it every five seconds. i know what it's like to be on the other end of that, so i can sympathize with her crabbiness, but dude, she doesn't have to be a jerk right back at me.