whoop whoop

i'm telling you, this blog is quickly become all about how shitty my immune system is and how irritated i am with it.  after the poop debacle, i caught something else.  it started in my lungs and i thought it was bronchitis because i am very good at catching bronchitis, but DAMN the coughing was something else.  i went to see the doctor and he was smug and annoying and told me that basically i was a big baby and he'd prescribe something but that he'd be judging me the whole time he did.  needless to say, i just continued feeling like shit for another two weeks, until i woke up with a major ear ache.  most of the time, when i get an ear ache i just spend some time with a heating pad and some cups of tea and it goes away.  this got worse, and was unlike any ear ache i'd had.  instead of a dull, throbbing pain that slowly built to an agonizing crescendo, this one felt like someone was randomly stabbing my eardrum with a knife, sometimes over and over, sometimes not for five minutes, then boom!  i never knew when it was coming, and it hurt so bad i spent most of time with one side of my face screwed up like popeye.  i kept apologizing for looking insane.  no amount of heating pad or ibuprofen did anything for it, and finally after spending a whole day at work plugged into a phone and a heating pad and with five cups of tea in varying stages of hotness surrounding me, i went to the urgent care clinic.

the thing about urgent care clinics is that they don't give a shit about you. they don't have to.  you aren't at risk of dying, if you were you'd be at an emergency room.  they know you probably have a "real" doctor out there that can't see you, or no insurance.  they know you're probably a bit annoyed and out of sorts, but you aren't going to become a regular.  overall, they have a casual disinterest in you as a person.  it's nothing personal, it's just that you know going into an urgent care clinic that the doctor doesn't have any vested interest in you, and that you are a symptom that needs some relief.  it's a weird situation, but i know when i go see an urgent care doctor, i'm just looking for something to make me feel better right this second.  which is why i was so surprised to hear the doctor say to me, "i think you've had pertussis."

yeah.  i had the whooping cough.  the whole time my doctor was shrugging me off and making me feel like a retard for (gasp!) seeking medical help for feeling like shit, i was actually sick with something pretty contagious and heinous.  i didn't stay home or take care of myself because i felt like such a dope for asking for help only to be told i sounded "fine," i completely ignored my own gut feeling because i'm not-so-secretly worried about being a hypochondriac, and the whole time i'm coughing hard enough to shake loose a filling.  i coughed hard enough to pee myself a little.  (again! with the bathroom talk!) i kept my whole family up nights with the hacking.  i probably gave it to the boychik, who came down with a fever and a beautiful, hacking cough like his stepmom's.  i know i exposed the nice lady who sits in front of me at work, and guess what? she's pregnant, making her at kind of a high risk of the whoop being deadly to her and her spawn.  then, because the whoop had been left untreated, i got a nice, old-fashioned inner ear infection.  that's why the heating pad didn't work, it was way down deep in that ear that was sick.  awesome!

this nice doctor at a clinic i thought would give me some pain pills or antibiotics and send me on my way actually took some time to talk to me, did some tests, and told me i really needed to take some time off work. she offered to write me a goddamn note for work if i needed it.  she explained what i could expect (three more weeks of coughing!) and what to look out for, and told me she was sorry i'd been sick for so long.  she was nice.  i felt like a dick for thinking she would treat me like a number, and angry that my own doctor made $97 just by being an asshole.  i vacillate between being annoyed with him, and for being annoyed with myself for not sticking up for myself.  my ear still hurts too, which is the dickness.  i'm getting better though, and if anything, i learned a lesson.  you need to listen to your body sometimes, even if it does have a habit of being a jerk.  hypochondriacs get sick for real too! 

hippie mama badge

for some reason, this easter my mom and D's parents both thought we had plans elsewhere, meaning we had plans nowhere.  this wasn't terrible; i saw my mom the day before easter along with my aunt and some friends for a pampered chef party i hosted, we ate easter candy and tiny quiches and got to hang out, which was awesome.  D's folks are doing their easter dinner the weekend after this, so his brother and sister can attend, as on the actual day they do churchy stuff, and none of us do.  so we had the day to ourselves, and it was such a freaking beautiful day! seriously.  spring in the pacific northwest has been holding out on us, and on easter sunday it wasn't just warm, it was balmy.  the air smelled fresh and green, there was a warm breeze, every birdie was out singing, the whole she-bang.  it was like waking up in a disney film.  D made a nice big breakfast, and we spent the day lounging and enjoying the weather.

one of the very cool things we did was use this real indigo tie dye kit i'd ordered from amazon.  a few years ago we stopped using paper napkins and paper towels (although to be honest, we do buy paper towels for camping and for the kid's bathroom, so there's no good excuse for them not to clean it up!).  i have a lot of store bought cloth napkins, some home-made ones, and a bunch of really lovely ones i received as wedding presents.  what makes me crazy about my people is that when they open the linen drawer, they are just as likely to use napkins in place of towels for cleaning stuff up, thereby staining them and making the napkins grody.  if you want your visitors to be okay with cloth napkins, it's best that they don't look like you cleaned up mud with them, right?  while reading a martha magazine, there was a little aside about using real indigo dye, and it stuck with me because indigo is DARK, and dark napkins and towels probably get stained less than light ones.  i picked up a 12 pack of 100% cotton napkins in white, which were a deal at $10, and pulled out some flour sack style dish towels i had lying around and we got to work!

we used basic tie dye techniques, and the results were amazing.  using the real indigo is also a process; the dye itself is this bright lemon-green, and after you submerge your piece and get it saturated with the dye, you have to let it oxidize for at least 20 minutes to see how dark the blue will be.  you pull out a lime colored piece of cloth, and watch it get darker and bluer by the moment.  all four of us worked outside, getting some sun, experimenting with patterns and techniques, and generally goofing off.  not only are the napkins and dish towels very pretty and unique, and not only did i totally earn my hippie mama merit badge, but we had the best time hanging out and doing something together.  whenever i look at those napkins and towels, i'll think of that beautiful sunday afternoon, the first day it really felt spring, and having a great time with my little family.   it sounds so hokey to say, but i hope the kids looks back on afternoons like that and think to themselves, "yeah, i had a pretty okay childhood."

*also! i discovered that my husband really is a hippie: he is very good at tie dye.  he did all sorts of cool things that made my circles look like amateur hour! hee hee...

how do the godless celebrate easter?

you can dye eggs in wine!

eggs and chocolate, of course. i suppose i can't and shouldn't speak for all atheists, but i celebrate major christian holidays.  for easter there are dyed eggs, buckets of chocolate, baskets for the children stuffed with toys and treats.  for me, i grew up with those things, they are fun, the story behind it is pretty amazing, and life is short so why should i miss out on the fun?  plus, i'm not sure where the kids are in their beliefs; they're both at an age where religion interests them, and they're busy making up their minds.  if anything else, i don't ever want to become one of those sour-faced atheists who make all holidays miserable experiences for everyone around them. 

this is one of the things i've thought about more ad more lately.  my husband and i had an interesting conversation like a month ago that i'm still thinking about, because he brought up all kinds of good points.  to start with, he doesn't feel i'm really an atheist, regardless of what i say to him.  this makes me absolutely fucking crazy because i'm a grown-up and i know who i am and how i feel.  at the same time, i know he feels that way because he doesn't see me as conforming to his idea of atheism.  in his head, atheists are angry and aggro and condescending, unhappy and looking to inflict discomfort on those around them.  i am, as my sister has pointed out, pretty jolly.  the fact remains, however, that i do not believe in god.  not the christian, benevolent (if confusing) sky daddy i grew up with, nor any other.  i don't believe in a higher power, i don't believe there's anything out there watching us and tending to us, or anything intelligent that put existence into motion.  i'm not an ass about it either; i don't spend a lot of time making fun of people who do believe, although you have to admit, some of the most fervent believers in anything, be it religion or nascar, are jokes that write themselves.  for me, atheism happened like this: i never felt belief, or faith or any of the things i was supposed to feel at church.  i realized that it wasn't my thing.  i looked back at my life, and could honestly say i never feel comfortable with religion.  instead of hiding that part of myself, i decided to just be open.  well, kind of open. i admit that my in-laws are very religious and i'm okay with not being "out" to them.  not because i'm ashamed, but because i don't want to cause them any grief.  i think they would actively worry about the state of my soul, and they're nice people, i love them, and would feel bad about that.  over the years, i've become a bit more outspoken, and stopped feeling weird when saying "atheist."

i think at this point i have a good opportunity to show that atheists are nice folks, that i am one, it's not so crazy, and that even without any belief in god i'm a good wife, a good stepmom, and an overall good human being.  i think i represent what a lot of atheist look like, and think you might know more than you realize.  in fact, you might be one but not be "out" about it.  so on this big, happy christian, pagan, fertility holiday, i'd like to wish you a good day.  eat some eggs, be with your loved ones, nibble on treats and celebrate spring however you like!     

ring, ring, banana phone!

i keep waking up before my alarm goes off, which is kind of scary. does this mean even more adulthood is around the corner? am i "growing up" yet again?  i think it's just that we're entering that beautiful, short lived season here in the northwest where it's not pitch black early in the morning.  whew. i'm glad it's not more responsibility calling, because i think i have enough, thank you.

i broke down the other day and bought the girlchild a pay-as-you-go cell phone.  i don't want her to be old enough to have one, but when i was her age i just had to keep a quarter on me so i could call home if i needed a ride.  it's impossible to find payphones now!  i also don't want to admit it, but her "all my friend's have one" argument was fairly valid.  she borrows their phones when she needs to make a call now, but i realized that could be tricky if she were calling, say, because she was having a miserable time and wanted to get out of it.  that's really why i bought her the phone.  i remember being that age, and having some friends who were a bit more adventurous, or older, or who just made different choices than i did and having moments when what i really wanted was for my mom to come and get me.  that part of early teenhood is a weird place to navigate; on one hand you want to be independent and do your own thing, on the other, freddy krueger still freaks you out and OMG no one told me they would be showing this movie at the sleepover!  i figure if we have the one cell phone (another super basic pay-as-you-go), and she had one then if things got shady she could just send us a quick message and we can come and get her.  it's her own, personal, opt-out button.  i told her as much.  not that she cared, she was just thrilled i got her the unlimited texting.

famous last words

"what?! your wife might be drunk."

i went to the doctor's office,

and all i got was some stink-eye.

i knew that i didn't have the plague, that the cold i've been battling is probably on the wane, but to be safe i went to see the doctor anyhow.  i have a cough that's giving me shaken baby syndrome, a delirious, dizzy feeling most of the time, and am producing mucus in a variety of colors.  my throat hurts, my head hurts, i'm having a hard time breathing, etc. why have health insurance if you aren't using it, right? after the doctor checked me out, heard me cough, he said, "so what brings you in?" um, where should i start? he told me my lungs sounded fine, which is funny because my husband can hear them wheezing from across the room, and that codeine wouldn't do me much better than over the counter cough suppressants, did i want some? when he said it like that, even thought that's why i went in, i said, "oh, i guess not.  if you don't think it will help that much more."  d'oh! i could just smack myself silly.  it's amazing how being in the room with a doctor for all of three minutes can make me so dumb. 

i might call and ask for that script anyway, because a good night's sleep would be awesome.  for everyone.  no matter what, i'm ready for this cold to be gone.  my immune system has been acting all kinds of wonky lately, and i'm hoping i'm just getting all the snot and poop out of my system so that when spring finally arrives i'll be able to just work outside in the sun, and think back fondly on the mucus times, glad that they're over.

hippie johnny

 today was really the first day it felt like spring outside.  i've been having some issues with my allergies, so i knew spring was right around the corner, but today was nice and warm and sunny and i finally got to go outside and get some gardening started!  this is our little patch, in the backyard.  it's about three feet by 15-20 (?) feet.  when we moved in, it was full of azalea bushes, and so i ripped them out.  actually, the boychik did that for me.  i know, azaleas are pretty, but you can't eat an azalea, and the one thing my husband and i whole heartedly agree on is that we want an edible garden. we want productive plants around, not just pretty ones.  i think my mother-in-law was a little agog that i was all for just tearing them out and chopping them up to add to the compost pile; she thought we should relocate them.  i'm not a huge fan of azaleas or rhododendrons, even if i do live in the pacific northwest, where it's practically mandatory that you LOVE them.  plus, it's my house! i'm going to rip out all the stuff in the landscaping i don't like.  it's so liberating. 

last year i splurged and bought myself a pair of gardening clogs because 1) they're red, 2) they're paisley and 3) can you really be a gardener without clogs? i think not.  i love that you can get them all muddy and yucky and because they are plastic, you can just rinse them off and leave them outside to dry.  which was good, because after i took this photo i got them pretty grubby.  i went through our little plot, pulled out rocks and weeds, turned the soil over, and added a little bit of fertilizer and a bag of organic potting soil to enrich it all (the compost isn't ready). i had pretty much forgotten how you have to ready the bed before you can plant, so i'm glad i didn't have my heart set on planting a bunch of stuff.  the boychik came out with me and finished chopping the azaleas up, helped me move around some of the big bags of soil, and assisted with the turning and watering of the compost.  it was nice to have someone to work with.  we listened to our favorite podcast, pseudopod, while we worked, which was also fun. 

before we did all that work, we went to home depot for some soil and plant markers (also known as "pointy tongue depressers").  i had to buy some seeds because OMG there were so many.  the boychik wants to experiment with sunflowers, so we bought a few packs of those, i picked up a few varieties of radishes, some beans, and carrots.  we also have a lot of herbs starting and to plant, as well as a few cool heirloom, organic varieties from baker creek seeds.  i'm excited to see how those do.  i've never had a garden, so we'll see how well i do this year, or how big i fail. 

also, we went out and had breakfast together, and some nice old couple asked how long dave and i had been married.  we told them six months  and they said they thought at least 12 years.  i think the giantness of the boychik threw them off!  but it was funny.  one of them thought we'd been married for 15 years!  which of course, would have made me a child bride.  ha! 

the end of the great poop saga

i am sorry to leave you hanging like that!  the poops did not kill me, i am happy to report.  i was still feeling "off" south of the equator for a few days after i pooped the bed, but slowly things got back to normal.  in fact, tonight i made these delicious individual pot pies from scratch! that's how much better i feel.  i made it all, except the crust because making crust is for suckers.  or husbands.  since my husband wouldn't make the crust, i bought it like a good, modern housewife at the grocery store.  i don't feel guilty about that at all.  i have one of those community cook books that people make and sell for charity, from the town of mobridge, south dakota, that i got an amazing pot pie recipe out of.  my mom picked it up for me one summer when she and my aunties were visiting relatives on the rez.  a couple of my cousins even have recipes in it, ooh la-la! i love those kinds of cookbooks, whenever i find them at thrift stores and bookshops i always feel like i should buy them.  they have funny little stories and great ideas in them, as well as 101 variations on hot dish or tater tot casserole.  delightful!

we had a very nice, quiet weekend.  put some books in bookshelves, cleaned some rooms up, bought major veggies at costco, that sort of thing.  i also started reading the stars my destination, which so far i have found sharp, funny, amazing, rollicking and witty.  how am i just now finding out about this book? i feel ridiculous, but am glad i picked it up.  i don't write book reviews as well as many other bloggers i know, but i will say this: the stars my destination is great, even if you think you don't dig on sci-fi.  however, if you don't dig on sci-fi, we might not be friends.

i've been trying to write some posts at work, in between calls, in an effort to be here more often, and sharpen what writing skills i have.  i always forget you can set up posts to publish at future dates; you don't just have to sit down, write furiously for ten minutes, then hit "publish."  not that i have anything against that, since that's 99% of what i do, but i've been working on some short stories as well and i think spending more time writing and revising might benefit me.  i used to write all the time!  (i used to do a lot of things all the time, didn't we all?) i like writing.  almost as much as i like reading.  almost.

i pooped my bed

let's just get that out of the way, shall we?  i went out last night to see a friend of mine who is doing an "internship" at a local pub (working on his bartending skills) had half a burger and the cream of asparagus soup.  i also played some bar trivia that was weak and for the first time i LOST by a lot. normally i kick trivia night's ass!  in any case, the soup wasn't that great, so i didn't eat a lot of it, and now i'm glad i didn't.  at 6 this morning i woke up in the fetal position, cramping and sweating.  after that, i lost approximately 12 pounds pooping.  i spent an hour in the bathroom. gross, right?  i took some pepto, rallied the troops, and went to work.  i spent most of my day hunched over my desk, answering calls and being less nice to the very few asswads who call, just to keep those calls short in case i had to run to the bathroom.  my sister was kind enough to lend me some of her extra-strength pregnant lady anti-nausea pills to help with the stomach cramping and i am proud to say that while it was not fun, i only left work an hour early, making me in charge and not my guts.  came home, took a nap, woke up, thought i had a fart in there, only to REALLY WAKE UP when i realized that said fart was awfully fluid.  dammit.  i remember being a kid and getting something like this and being totally freaked out by the amount of..stuff, coming out of my body.  i'm still kind of freaked out, but happy to say that this is the first time in years i've shat the bed, so that has to count for something.  avoid the cream of asparagus.  and stay at your own house, mine is ritually impure. 

jolly time

i went grocery shopping with my sister after work yesterday, because we work together and right next door to a grocery store, and she said the strangest thing.  we were driving over there (just because we're next door doesn't mean we can roll our carts through the woods to our work parking lot!) and i was telling her some story about the tea the kids are loving and she interrupted me saying, "i don't know what it is, but you're always so cheerful. are you just really happy? i mean, you just seem so...jolly all the time."  she went on to say, "it's not like you were ever a serious debbie downer, but i don't know, maybe it's D and the kids, but you've just been so...happy lately. maybe i didn't notice it before?"

maybe.  i wasn't sure what to say.  yeah, i am happy.  i've been happy for quite a while.  i have a nice little family that i love to come home to, i have a husband who isn't just funny and smart and good-looking, but who makes dinner a lot of the time.  i like my job, even on the days i don't, because there's always something new to learn and it's taught me how to just be in the moment better.  you have to just let go of a call the minute you hang up, because no matter how rad or terrible that call was, the next call is a new person, with new issues, and a new attitude.  i am lucky enough to amazing in-laws who helped my family and me move into a great house.  i'm growing things that hopefully we'll get to eat later this summer.  i have time to make things i like, do some knitting, watch dumb cartoons on netflix.

of course, i think she hasn't noticed what's been going on in my life for a while.  she's got her own things going on, and while some of them are happy and fun and rad, some of it isn't.  i made a choice a while ago to distance myself from her because she's kind of negative.  also, she's not usually so nice to me. i think in her mind she thinks that you can treat your family however you want, because they have to love you, they have to hang around, they have to forgive you.  that is a nice idea, and i'm all for unconditional love, because after all, there isn't a time i can conceive of that i wouldn't actually love her, but that doesn't mean i always like her and/or have to put up with her being an asshole.  you know, the first two years i dated D, she never spoke to him.  she didn't acknowledge him when we came over to visit, she hardly looked at him.  if she had a problem with him, she wasn't telling me about it, and she was acting like a jerk.  when i told her i was getting married the first thing she said was "when?" and when i told her, the second thing out of her mouth was, "well, that ruins my wedding plans."  during my wedding she pouted the whole time, ignored my new in-laws and left early because she wasn't feeling good, then posted her party pictures of her and her "bestie" out drinking in the city all night.  she doesn't let me babysit my niece because i'm not trustworthy enough.  she says awful things, all the time, and just doesn't seem to notice or care that they're hurtful.

if it didn't hurt my mom's feelings so much, i would probably have less to do with her than i do.  that, and my niece. i love that kid.  i've been trying to get us to a place in our relationship that's kind of neutral and easy-going, and i think for the most part i'm doing okay. i think what made the conversation we had yesterday stand out for me was how surprised she sounded that i was happy. how her tone was almost sneering.  like happy is something to apologize for, to hide, to be ashamed of.  i worked hard for this, and i'm not sorry i'm happy.  i'm not going to downplay it. i'm not even going to explain it anymore.  she'll always be my sister, and i'm honest when i say i love her and wish nothing but the best for her, but at the same time, i have a life and family of my own and am okay with us not being as close as we were as kids.  it sucks, but that's just the way it is.  

i heard you liked blogs

tag! i'm it!  if i didn't love sarah so much, i would have never done this! although at the same time, many of these same questions i've been asking myself lately, so it's like we're psychic blogosphere sisters.   here are the questions she asked, with my answers in red (of course):

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about?  Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got some horrible feedback?
i don't think it does, unless you count step-mom blogs.  i haven't pulled a post, but i have written a lot that have never been published.  my mother is always is saying she doesn't read my blog out of respect for my privacy, and while i believe her, i don't know that i want to tempt her or say something shitty that will hurt her feelings.  i also have a sister that i have kind of a difficult relationship with that sometimes i wish i could talk about more, but also kind of think, "if this is difficult, how much worse can it get and do i want to go there?" although to be honest, i think i'm going to talk about that big mess more, because truthfully? i don't think i'm doing anything wrong.  who am i hiding from?
2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the bloggers, or are you a lurker?
i read a LOT of blogs.  i use google reader (because bloglines pulled the plug after many yeas of use, then came back, but by then i was internet irate and just stayed with google. it's easier because i use blogger and gmail, too.) and the last time i looked i subscribe to 132.  some are comics, some are food blogs, some are house blogs, which i got a lot more interested in after i got a house, and a big chunk of them are everyday people blogs.  what i like about reading those personal blogs best is seeing how other people's lives and days unfold, seeing the connections between their lives and mine, as well as the differences.  this sounds so fucking corny, but reading about things other people are doing can totally inspire me to try something new.  gag. and i have lots of bloggy friends! some from the old blog, some from flicker, and all of them i love. i think internet friends are awesome and just because i can't come over and get drunk and pass out on your couch doesn't mean we aren't as good of friends as if i could. 
3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?
some.  honestly, if a blog is way big, i don't comment as much.  i used to comment more, what happened?
4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?
i'd say a 6. i guess if i got no comments, i would be sad and blog less, but at the same time, you are talking to someone who has kept some form of diary/journal/blog for over twenty years.  i have to do something, i have a compulsion to write, and i like writing for an audience.  i think it makes my writing better. 
5.  Do you respond to your commentors?
probably not enough. should i comment back more? 
6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them? 
not very many! the official count on google is 25.  i used to have a very popular blog, that got hundreds (sometimes early thousands!) of a hits day, back when i used typepad.  i was a tiny bit internet famous.  sometimes it was awesome, sometimes it was creepy, and at one point i realized too many people i knew were reading my blog and some of them didn't need to.  sometimes i wish i had more readers, but at the same time, i'm not really sure how many are out there.  maybe i should do a secret poll and get a better count of who's out there. 
7.  How do you promote your blog?
i leave that up to sarah!
8.  Do you write for any other sites?
no, but mainly because i've found it a struggle to write as much as i used to on this blog.  when i met the man who would become my husband, my life changed in a radical way.  i had less time because suddenly it wasn't all about me, i was a partner and a mom, and for a while i was unsure how much of that i should write about.  i didn't want to betray the kid's or D's trust, and while he's never said to me, "no more blogging, woman," i get the feeling sometimes that he wishes i talked less.  he does realize, though, that he married a loud broad, and i think after i got in the habit of being quieter, it was just hard to break out of it.   
9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?
i love it when someone says, "yes! i totally get it!" there are very few things on earth that please me as much as when someone says, "i felt/feel the same way."  i hate feeling like i'm not blogging enough and when i feel like i'm being uncreative.  i think that for me has been the biggest change over the last few years of blogging; i make considerably less crafty, awesome projects and that makes me feel bad. 
10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?
i would advise anyone thinking about blogging to do it because you like it.  seriously.  don't do it for money or followers or slight internet fame.  do it because you feel like you have to write things down, like you have to share, like it's an itch that only be scratched via html.  i hate self-conscious blogs, i hate whiny blogs, i hate it when i am both self-conscious and whiny.  i like to swear, both when i write and when i talk, so i dislike when people self-censor.  i like to see photos of your day, your pets, your amazing and cute children, your dinner, your shoes, any and everything!  i like to read your book, movie and tv reviews, i like to hear what you're listening to and see where you're going.  i don't want to be sold "style."  i don't want to hear a perfectly lovely size 8 woman cry about her fat ass, because it makes me want to yell, "fat ass?! i'll show you a fat ass!" i will also admit, as much as i love horror films, i do not like to see any photos you may have of your surgery.  dear sir, no thank you very much.  

how was that? too much, not enough?  what do you want to hear more about on my blog? what would you add to the discussion?  i will admit, i think i've been writing a lot less, and that makes me kind of sad.  i like being able to look back and read about stuff i was into, stuff i was doing.  i'm going to try to blog more, and to write more about the stuff that isn't pleasant to write about.  this, internets, is my promise to you.

the placebo effect

my husband i argue about the benefits of the placebo effect all the time.  probably more than any other couple i know, at the very least.  i was thinking about it the other day, though, after we watched a movie called fat, sick and nearly dead.  the film was all about a guy who lost a lot of weight doing a 60 juice fast, and a guy that he inspired to do the same, and how they both radically changed their lives and appearances thanks to the power of juicing.  i cannot tell a lie, it was pretty inspiring to see the guy he helped get healthier and happier.  the guy who made the film, eh. he was a rich dude, travelling around, preaching the powers of juicing. of course he lost weight and was the epitome of new age healthiness. the other guy was a truck driver who started the film very sad and overweight, and by the end of it was smiling and happy.  you didn't know if he would be able to stick with the juice fast, or if he did, if it would make him any happier.  i always root for the underdog!

anyway, we have a juicer because my husband worked as a cook for a group that took juicing very, very seriously.  they were a new age health center that primarily helped cancer patients feel better.  (i'm not going to tell you who they were, because i don't want anyone thinking i endorse their methods.)  here is what D and i argue about: he thinks the the juicing, attention to nutrition, and holistic, alternative methods the place he worked for were honestly helping to cure cancer.  he believes that with the right nutrition, atmosphere and attention, you don't have to use all the chemo and radiation.  i think that the methods the place he worked at certainly don't harm the patients, and may make their treatments easier to handle and endure, but that ultimately no juice in the world is going to cure cancer.  i call it the "magic applesauce" approach to oncology and he calls me an "asshole."  which is fair.  i'm kind of a loud mouth when it comes to cancer, and love modern medicine.  this is where he cites the placebo effect, and i admit, while that might help some of the patients, if it were someone he cared about, would he be willing to put his faith in their survival in placebo only?

which leads me to my next point; drinking the juice.  i have been using the juicer lately, and like it.  the juice it makes is awesome, super fresh, delicious, and you may not believe this, but kale juiced is like the greatest thing ever.  it smells like a fresh cut lawn and tastes like springtime to me.  i add it to everything and love it.  i don't know if it makes me feel any better, because i don't feel that bad to start with.  however, i'm seriously curious about doing a short juice fast/cleanse and think i might try one sometime soon.  i like the idea of taking food out of the equation for a few days, getting a crazy amount of vitamins and nutrients in a few shakes/juices a day, and seeing what the big whoop is.  there aren't a lot of medical studies about the benefits of a juice fast, but there is a ridiculous amount of anecdotal evidence.  i'm wondering if the placebo effect will affect me, because like all good rational humanists, i'm not sure i believe in it.  i'm skeptical, but intrigued, and wonder if anyone i know has tried one of these.  if so, what kind of results did you have? do you think the idea is batshit crazy? will it make me poop like a madwoman?  questions, questions, questions.  leave your answers below!

house for rent!

the house next door is for rent. they won't be making it available to live in until the first of next month, but i'm curious who is going to move in there.  i think it's a bit pricey for a 3 bedroom, even if it does have a fenced in backyard, because you can't even have a dog.  what's the point of the fence if you can't have a pet back there? also, have i mentioned that our street name is kind of ridiculous?  part of it is spelled "vue" which is soooooo annoying.  it means you have to spell it out every time you give someone your address; the pizza guy, the phone company, the dmv, etc.  everyone gives you the stink eye or sighs when you start to spell it out, then you get to the "vue" part of it and suddenly they realize you aren't a condescending bastard, you just live on a dumb-named street. i tried to talk a friend of mine into moving into the house, but he rightly said, "no way, the rent's too high and what's with your street name? was "kountry kubbard" taken?" 

before we get new neighbors we want to put up our own tiny fence or something to block part of their view into our backyard. not so we can have crazy caligula themed parties back there, or start putting cars on blocks, but because there's this weird gap where they can see where we do all the gardening stuff from their front yard.  we think putting up a trellis for peas and beans and other climbing plants should do the trick.  it will give me especially a little more privacy, so that whoever moves in next door won't have to constantly see my ass crack as i bend over the garden.  really, the fence or trellis is more for their sake than mine. 

happy birthday

today would have been my father's 63rd birthday.  he was a handsome man, a pain in the ass, smart and funny and with a wicked sense of humor.  he liked whiskey and cigarettes and made the best omelettes ever.  he had the skinniest legs i've ever seen on a man, and often wore boots that cost more than my entire wardrobe put together.  he loved dogs, cooed at babied, and would try anything once.  he thought my mother was the hottest woman on earth.  we had a difficult relationship through my teen years, but then we went to college together and i realized he was this person, not just my pop.  while i miss my dad terribly, what i miss more is that awesome guy he was.  tonight i'm going to go have a drink in his honor and be thankful i got to know both guys, the pop he was and the man he was. 

goings on

the cat caught some sort of cold, her first. we all kind of thought something was up for a day or so, then one night i gave her some soft food (her favorite, tuna and whitefish!) and she licked it dutifully once or twice then came back over to me for a cuddle.  no cat refuses fishy goodness, so i knew then she was sickly.  it only lasted one day, but that day we all spoiled her rotten.  got her chair set up with a heating pad, gave lots of pets, cooed over her and carried her around.  the next day she was back to normal, talking up a storm and playing with hair bands and straws all over the house. 

we were all relieved she was okay.  the kids like to give me shit about being a crazy cat lady, but i know they love her as much as i do.  in all honesty, this cat is beyond spoiled. she is adored and coddled and treasured.  we all nap with her, feed her treats, play games with her, talk to her while making breakfast and if she's sitting in our laps when we have to pee, we wait as long as we can. 

birds and bees and all that jazz

i feel like as far as being a step-parent goes, i do an okay job. the kids and i get along, i take the parenting that i do seriously, we are a happy little family.  i have days, though, where i think "i'm totally supposed to be here" because i realize that i have skills that my husband doesn't. 

case in point; yesterday i came home from work and while D and i were in the kitchen fixing after-work chelada's, he very quietly told me the boychik and his girlfriend had been home alone for a big chunk of the day and that when he came home she was putting her socks on.  he put those words in italics, i swear.  he got even quieter, and said, "jesus christ, i hope they don't make a baby."  i asked him if he'd talked to the boychik about that, if the kid knew how he felt.  now i think D is a boss dad; he never once wavered in his dedication to the kids, he doesn't bitch about the years he spent being a single dad, he didn't jut give this kids to his folks when their mom bailed.  however, when i asked him if he'd talked to the boychik about sex stuff, he positively blanched.  i told him, "wait here. just give me five minutes. i'll be back." 

i'm not going to say those were the best five minutes of my life, or that i was smooth and suave and we had a hallmark moment, but thanks to all the sex-ed teaching i did in college i got through it mostly on auto-pilot.  if there is one thing i know, it's where to get free condoms and birth control.  so we talk. i try to explain that more than anything, i just want him to know he has options and that he's got his whole life ahead of him, and that birth control isn't just his girlfriend's responsibility.  at the same time, i don't really know if they are doing it, or if they've talked about it, or what, but if they are, they need the information and if they aren't, they're going to need it someday, right?  the boychik was cool about the whole thing, aside from some serious blushing he actually said out loud to me, "i know you just want what's best for me."  which is what it all boils down to.  i told him about the laws in WA about plan B, i told him that not having a baby is so much cheaper than having a baby, i told him that as excited as i will be when he has a kid and i get to be a grandma/nana/gangy, i'm hoping that doesn't happen for a while.  we both agreed that babies are awesome, but not right now. 

then i asked my husband to take me out to dinner, and he hugged me and told me i was his hero.  i don't think this is the last talk about s-e-x we'll have, but i think it sets a good precedent.  i also think i grew three new grey hairs last night. 

thinking about spring

today D and i got to spend some time goofing off and wandering around town together, going to hardware stores and grocery stores, making plans for home improvements and gardening in the spring.  earlier this year we got this beautiful catalog from baker creek seeds, and we've been looking through it and reading books about backyard gardens.  well, to be honest, i've been reading the books, D already knows how to garden. he grew up on a working farm, so in some ways gardening is a lot less romantic for him than it is for me.  our plan, lofty as it is, is to start kind of small this year; a simple square foot garden, basic veggies, figuring out how good or terrible our soil is and whether or not i have a black thumb.  eventually, we'd like to be able to turn much of our front and back yard into edible landscape.  we've been making an effort this year to eat greener, more locally, and incorporate way more veggies into our diet.  being able to grow our own food is kind of a natural extension of that, i think.  that isn't to say that i'm going to go full-time hippie mama, i just think it makes sense to use the land we are fortunate enough to have to do something other than grow grass.  gardens used to be an important part of home life, and now many people can't even tell you when fruits and veggies are in season.  we eat bananas that have giant carbon footprints and tomatoes that have no taste.  i'm not saying that i'm never going to eat another tropical fruit or enjoy the occasional hamburger, but i think those should be special occasion things.

in any case, i'm excited about trying my hand at growing stuff, we have a million ideas for the back and side yard (we're going to encroach on the front yard slowly to acclimate the neighbors), and i think so far i've actually been pragmatic about all this.  i bought very few veggie seeds; i don't know how good i'll be at starting plants from seeds, and am more than okay with building the beds and then using starts for most everything. i haven't bought anything too crazy yet (although i did splurge on chinese long beans and tiny, thai eggplant), and i understand that there's a good chance i won't grow a lot of things well, if at all.  i'm excited about trying, though.  i love that i have a house that give me the opportunity to try this. i love that my husband is as gung-ho about it as i am. hanging out with him today, making lists and plans and schematics was a blast.  even if i end up growing some sad lettuce and sickly beans, i know i'll have fun, and will learn enough to make next year's garden better. 

how can you not love this face?

moreover, how could not love this voice? meet my latest secret jewish boyfriend, eugene mirman.  in the immortal words of troy mcClure, you may know him from his work on bob's burgers (he's the voice of gene), delocated, or from his stand up.  if you know him from any of that, you know he's funny, and for your friend amanda, that's usually all it takes to become my secret jewish boyfriend.  (well, that and you have to be one of the chosen people.) check out the video below, and tell me you don't find him both adorable and hilarious.

Jokes.com
Eugene Mirman - Accept Me as Your God
comedians.comedycentral.com
Eugene Mirman Comedians Stand-Up

hee hee heee!

being poor the day before payday

is always the worst, isn't it? you think about stuff you need to do, look over the grocery list (toilet paper, ramen, eggs, rice, hot sauce) and realize you can't go buy RAMEN and feel like a total jackass.  all of this is hopefully changing though, since a) i have a new job with new and improved paychecks and b) the husband and i are working on a budget and saving some money.  i've always been kind of carefree (read: moronic) with money, so this will be new.  i sparked my ING savings account back up, set it up for automatic deposits, and have been actively watching my money.  the reason i'm so poor right this second is that i went out with a friend the other night, which i always forget is soooo expensive, even in the not-too-exciting town i live in, and i owed D for the computer we bought the boychik for xmas.  i'm not neglecting-the-children poor, but definitely not-doing-anything-fun poor.

i'm also sick, which is annoying.  i took the day off work because i was so phlemy and my throat hurt, which is lame when you spend all day on the phone.  i slept, read, slept some more, and watched some stand up comedy on netflix, and then slept. i'm awake now which means i'll be up all night. oh, the horror.  maybe i'll take my laptop to bed and see what i can do about that.  (that sounded dirty but i didn't mean it dirty!) the nice thing about being sick is that the cat spends all day with me when i do nothing but lounge supreme.  i kept waking up to her licking me and kneading my blankets.  nothing makes a girl feel better than some serious cat time. oh, and ramen with an egg poached in it.  man, that always hits the spot.   

ask a mortician

have you see this lady?  i love her little videos! i was always a morbid kid, grew into a morose teenager, grew further into a weirdo grown-up and did things like take classes called "death and dying" and became fascinated with stuff like victorian mourning jewelry, real bone china, and cemetery laws.  so yes, i love this. 

watching these videos, reading her blog, makes me want to write a few of my own stories.  i think in general americans don't speak of death enough, we try to avoid talking about it, mentioning it, thinking about it,  and end up totally unprepared for it and devastated when it happens to us.  which is ironic, seeing as it happens to all of us.  it's the only thing we all have in common, besides birth.  why not consider it on occasion?   

things we call the cat

by no means an exhaustive list:

• LuLu
• lulu-bean
• lu-bot
• lulu kitten
• kitten face
• baby cat
• we like to sing this in the style of crazy train, "lulu, lulu, lulu, lulu, ai-ai-aieeee."
• kitten pants
• lu-pants
• oh my lulu, oh my lulu, oh my luuu-lu, lulu pants.

rocking out with youtube

sometimes my little family and i poke around on youtube watching random videos, talking about songs we like, and rocking out in general.  on tonight's playlist so far,

of course, we like to find versions of the song we danced to first at our wedding, and so far this is our favorite,

tonight we were digging on things kind of psychedelic as well, like donovan,

and last, but not least, grace slick looking amazing and kicking ass at woodstock.

god, i want a perm so bad now. 

not such a lazy sunday

things i have already gotten done today; took out the trash, took out the recycling, took out the compost (and mixed in some nice dirt and worms and turned the whole she-bang), mopped the kitchen, vacuumed the stairs, did a load of laundry and ate a slice of pizza.  whew.  to be honest, i'm taking a wee break from all the cleaning and organizing, and if there is a better procrastination tool than blogging, i don't know what it is.  (oh wait, it might be watching cartoons.)

the last two weeks i've done some overtime at work.  nothing too major, adding on about half an hour to forty-five minutes each day, but this week when they offered it i declined it.  i might change my mind half way through the week, we'll see, but my brain feels overloaded lately and i think a regular work week will get me back to feeling normal.  it's not that the job suddenly got harder, it's just that there is so much to learn.  seriously.  i don't think anyone ever gets to the point where they can just quote benefits and deductibles and stoploss like no big deal.  plus, the beginning of the year sees a lot of folks with new plans calling for information, and we have been swamped.  you sit down, log into your phone, and you talk for eight hours straight.  one day i actually talked so much my throat hurt, and had to get a cup of hot tea, like some fancy-pants diva.  i think dialing down the amount of time i'm at work right now is okay, even though i feel a bit guilty not taking the extra money.  i suppose it all evens out, and in the end what i want more than a giant paycheck is to come home and not feel fried.

D and i are tackling the household chores today like gang busters, so i have a feeling tonight after dinner it will be super easy for us to fall asleep.  he hasn't been sleeping too well lately, and i've been trying a new mouth guard for my bruxism, which to be honest, i don't know is working that well.  i'm trying a smaller piece, in the hopes that it won't make me drool as much and feel so uncomfortable around my lips, but the flip side to that is the piece feels smaller, and i think i clench my jaw all night trying to keep it in place.  yeah, i'm not grinding my teeth, but i'm waking up with a sore jaw every day.  i think with our new insurance i'm going to go ahead and have a real mouth guard made at the dentist. i know they cost an arm and a leg, but hopefully it will feel better.

technically, NOT resolutions

at the risk of turning this into a house-blog, here is a list of things i would like to do to my home this year!

• paint my bedroom.  i bought a really lovely, icy shade of pale blue for the walls but have yet to actually paint them.  currently the shade down there is a green like cheap chocolate chip mint ice cream, and while it's not the worst, it's not the best.  
• either buy or create a new duvet cover.  i'm not too girly, but one of the things i've always loved is matching bed clothes.  i like a nicely put together bed, and when i was single, that was easy to achieve because i only bought red or pink stuff for the bed. D has never once complained (or spent much time thinking about) about sheets not matching duvet covers, but i've done my best to get rid of all the pink and move into neutral colors.  plus, pink is grand, but i'm also growing up a little and am digging on a soothing palate in the bedroom.  long story short: we need a new duvet cover and some sheets.
• paint the living room.  the walls turned out to be very barely pink, which we not have noticed had i not used a very cool shade of yellow in the kitchen.  i know that the color "warms" a space up, but i hate it. it's such a trivial thing, really, and we're living with it and i'm not going crazy, but i don't like it and want to change it.  i also want to paint the trim in here and cover up the wood on the sills and fireplace mantle with a bright white.  i want clean, modern backgrounds with which to populate with my crazy colorful stuff. 
• rugs! i want some area rugs. to delineate space as well as protect our carpets.
• that downstairs family room is amazing, but needs to be cleaned, organized, and made livable.  there's so much to do down there that i'm going to leave it at that.
• i'm also going to ask my husband very nicely to make me some built-in bookshelves.  there's some space in the upstairs hallway that's begging to be used!
• outside, i'm looking forward to doing a little gardening. nothing too big or ambitious this year; a nice small bed of veggie will do just fine.  i want to get started though, and see how well the soil does here.

it will be interesting to see if anything on this list gets done this year, and what things not on my list do get done.  overall, as long as the roof doesn't sprout a leak and a giant sinkhole doesn't eat the house, i'll be happy.  (i'll just be happier once the living room walls don't look so geriatric and boring.)

happy new year!

my resolution this year is to not make any resolutions, except for the following: hang around the house more.  2011 was BUSY, you know? we got married, we moved, i got a new job, one of the kids is in their last year of high school and one is making the transition into teen-dom, and all i want for the next year is to relax and spend more time with them.  i want to work on the house a bit, do some painting, get the rest of the boxes either unpacked or set on fire.  this sounds ridiculous and hokey, but i want to make the house more comfortable and cozy, and more "us."  it's already awesome, don't get me wrong, but the family room we never use because it's not very inviting looking, my nook is overwhelmed with stuff, i have a whole lot of clothes i never wear taking up space, etc. isn't there always a laundry list of things you'd like to do in the house?  i would like to work on saving money this year too, but i'm afraid of saying that out loud.  i'm thinking i'll go ahead and get an account at a bank i'll never use, and start socking money away in there.  or something. i have a coffee can that might work as well... 

regardless of resolutions, i had a wonderful 2011, i'm looking forward to a quieter 2012, and am wishing you and yours the very best.  the new year always feel so good, so hopeful, like the first sheet of blank paper in a journal or sketch pad, you know?  i'm going to just enjoy the possibilities, and try to make the most of it. 

the stockings are actually not hung by the chimney with care

but not because i'm a grinch! i'm not sure how to hang them up there without them falling down once full.  i think they'll end up being stockings laid before the chimney with care, if that's okay with you.

the shopping is all done (aside from maybe an eyeliner or two i should buy the girlchild), cookies and festive breads have been baked, all our plans for the next few days have been made and confirmed, and now it's just all about trying to show up on time and vacuuming the living room.  i got a four day weekend, which is exciting, and i spent yesterday napping and goofing off, which felt amazing.  for whatever reason i got a lot of medicare calls this week, and medicare is kind of confusing to everybody. it's a subject that definitely taxes my brain.  

work is going well, though. i feel like i'm getting to a point now where i'm not so overwhelmed that i come home and go to bed early.  i feel more confident about what i'm doing, and have gotten some positive feedback from my bosses.  i had a QC call last week (where they listen to a recording of a call a few times and take notes to give you) that went very well, and the monitor actually told me that she liked how comfortable i sounded on the phone.  "you sound like you've been doing this for a lot longer than you have been."  i always want to reply like jon lovitz on snl, "acting!" honestly, i figure it can't hurt to at least sound like i know what i'm doing, and no one needs to know how new i am.  i feel good at this job; it feels like a place where you're always learning new things, like there are all sorts of opportunities, and like they honestly give a shit about their employees.  it's so refreshing.

i feel like things are going well, both at work and at home.  i love my little house, my little family, and am looking forward to the next few days.  i hope you all have a great holiday, whatever you celebrate, and if i don't get back to you before january, happy new year! 

cubey love

i love my cubicle. i love that it's mine, a little space for me and my phone and my computer, and i love that the company i work for outfits us all with two computer monitors.  you have no idea how much easier that makes my job.  one one screen i have the main program we use to look up information on, and on the other i have all the research tools loaded.  i can go back and forth like no one's business and it's amazing.  the tech geek in me surges with joy when i see those two screens waiting for me in the morning. 

not to sound like i'm already drinking company kool-aid, i also love that my cubicle is surrounded by people with more experience than i have.  i actually had a co-worker come over today to show me something that i missed, and she wasn't a dick about it.  she just overheard me and knew that she could show me a shortcut, and so she came over and did.  when i'm working i can hear what other people are saying, i can look stuff up that i didn't already know, i get a better idea how of how to do things.  the atmosphere at this particular cube farm is seriously friendly, and i wasn't expecting that.  it's just nice.  i know that makes me sound like pollyanna, but it's true.

i do have one teensy, tiny, barely there beef, though. you didn't expect all ponies and sunshine, did you?  you know that trainer i had that was kind of eye-rolly and jerky? the one i was excited about not having to see anymore?  yeah.  they assigned her to my team.  she doesn't work where i have to see or hear her, but still!  i was free, but only for one day.  dammit.

this bed is too soft

man, it's only a little after ten at night and my whole family is asleep.  which is lame because i'm finally adjusted to my new schedule, just had two glasses of wine and want to rock out while baking cookies.  i have to be quiet so they can all sleep, though.  shoot. 

the new job means i don't have to get up crazy early, and this winter i've actually seen some honest-to-goodness real sunlight in the morning and afternoons as a result.  none of the going-to-bed in the dark and waking-up in the dark for me this season; and to be perfectly honest, i have noticed a difference.  i'm clenching my jaw less, moping around less, going out and doing stuff more.  oh sunlight and vitamin D, i suppose this proves i am your slave.  i'm okay with that, as long as you both stick around.  in any case, i like not getting up at zero-dark-thirty, and don't mind working five days a week because a) i don't have to get up crazy early and b) big girl paychecks.  also, we are busy at work; the day flies by and when i leave it, i do honestly leave it behind.  i might take a few moments to be quiet, because i talk to people all day, but that's all. 

a friend at work bought me this adorable zen garden for my desk, along with a mug full of treats.  some sour patch kids, chopsticks, a nail file and this crazy orange polish.  it sounds crazy, but i think i'm too old for neon nail polish (because 34 is like old, man) so i only put it on one nail.  i think that will probably end up looking stranger than just using the polish on all my nails, but it makes me happy.  i like the contrast too, even if it is a bit silly.  one orange, nine grey.  seems reasonable to me.

counting down!

one more shift in the classroom, then it's upstairs to my very own cubicle.  not only will i have my own little space, but this past week i've spent a chunk of my days scooting in and out of my desk to let people in and out to answer questions and OMG i'm tired of moving out of everyone's way.  sitting on the aisle seat in a classroom is balls.  plus, did i mention this classroom has no windows? because it doesn't and that can create a weird time-disconnect.

one of the girls i work with brought me a cute little desktop zen garden today, too, which i can't wait to set up.  i've been looking at mouse pads and wrist rests and bought a new travel mug that can go in the dishwasher.  there are just too many of us all on the phone at once in the classroom to be comfortable for anyone.  i know we're all a bit antsy to get out of there and stretch out a bit.  one more 8 hour shift, then i'm free!  

how may i help you?

today was my first whole day on the phones, answering calls and hunting down information.  yesterday we did half a day, which was enough to fry my brain and leave me slightly retarded and seriously tired.  i have to say, even though i most definitely had a moment (or two) today of sheer frustration, i actually felt pretty chipper when i came home.  i don't know as much as i need to, but i am learning stuff, and only one person today got fussy with me because i didn't know what they wanted me to know.  she got huffy and said, "um, are you new or something?" i said, in my most happy and excited voice, "yes! i am!" which i think kind of took the wind out of her angry sails.

i feel like i'm doing okay, but of course i don't really know.  the feedback we're getting at this point is nominal at best, and every time i ask my teacher a question she seems annoyed that i exist.  at some point i rubbed her the wrong way, and now she kind of hates me.  she only hates me a little, so i'm okay with that.  to be fair, i don't much care for her either, so i guess we're even.  i feel like she didn't do the best job preparing us, and we had hours and hours of down time that she could have been going over scenarios with us, instead of suggesting we poke around on websites looking for things we didn't actually know to look for.  it's like telling someone you're going to teach them how to cook, sending them to the store for food, and then when they get back, they have all the ingredients for baking a cake but she wants us to cook a chicken.  dude, i did not buy a bird, and i looked up a lot of stuff i do not need now.  weird example, but true.  then again, there is a massive amount of information to learn in order to do this job with any sense of competency, so maybe this is just how it goes.  what i do know for sure is this; i can't wait to be out of that classroom, i can't wait to decorate my little cubicle, and i just spent way too much time looking at mouse pads for my computer.  dorkbot.   

how to make a good sandwich

i had a dream last night that i got call from the deli used to work at.  they left me a message saying they had no one else to open the deli that morning at 4 a.m., and they really needed me to work.  i knew i didn't work there anymore, but i went in anyway because i knew there wasn't anyone else to take that shift.  i got there early (honestly, going to work at 4 at the morning sounds lame, but is quite nice. it's quiet, you have your list of things you need to do, you get into a certain rhythm and before you know it, the sun is up and it's time for you to go home.), and started work.  slowly, the other deli workers came trickling in as their shifts started, and they were all surprised to see me.  "oh! you're the manager that never works here!" they kept saying.  i told them they never saw me because i didn't actually work there anymore, and when they asked why i was there, i explained that there was really just no one else.  then we started getting customers, and i was amazed at how i knew what ingredients went on which sandwich, and how easy it was for me to put them together.  then, because this was a dream, i forgot to price the sandwiches and all the cashiers got mad at me.  i left work early, because i had to go to my other job, and woke up feeling weird.  proud that i still know how to make a kick-ass sandwich, chumpy because they got me to go into work, at a job i didn't even have anymore.  then i woke up all the way, and reminded myself it was a dream.

dearest

i know, i'm too old to indulge in adolescent musical interludes but this song reminds me of a boy i was smitten with at 20, and still miss today. not because we would have ever grown up and gotten married or had kids or been anything but childhood sweethearts; but because he was a nice boy.  not my boy, but a sweet, kind boy who knew that i wasn't the marrying-kid-having type.  we actually argued about that sort of thing, and i recall being annoyed he thought that i wasn't ready to settle down.  he was right, and i was wrong about what i wanted and when i wanted it, which in the end was exactly what i needed.

i wasn't supposed to get married at 22 and have kids.  my kids were already around, waiting for me to show up.  i couldn't love them more if i had made them with my own body.  i hear albums like this one, and remember what i though my life was going to be, and am happy i was wrong.

*what makes me think of him is that my parents really loved him; they were his parents in a way.  i have moments where i remember we all went out, hand in hand, and they loved him, knowing we wouldn't grow up and get married.  it's a testament to how great my parents were that they loved him regardless, and how i learned about love with all of them.  is that weird?  knowing even then that what i wanted wasn't the best for me, wasn't what was in store, and still playing along.  he remains a good man, someone's happy partner, just not mine. 

what makes me think about all of this is knowing if my dad had known D at all, in any way, he would have been happy.  he would have liked him, they would have gotten along, and they both would have rolled their eyes at my more insane tendencies.  my dad loved the boy i grew up with, but he would have loved D more. i wish they had known each other.  it feels unfair that he knew the boy i wouldn't grow up to marry, and not the man i love so much. 

cheese bits

you might remember that at one point in time, i was a highly trained cheese person.  i guess i still am, although not on the cusp of cheese trends or anything like that, but DAMN i still love cheese.  fancy cheese, not fancy cheese, any everything in between.  which is why i always put together the cheese tray at family holidays.  of course, i tend to pick out too many cheeses, and some of them aren't as well-received as others (for whatever reason, i am the only person in my family who likes an aged goat gouda), so what do you do with all those leftover bits? especially if you are a dork and forget to put them away before they start to get hard and weird around the edges?  why, you make the delicious fromage fort.  i like to call it "cheese in a pot," because it most closely resembles those "potted" cheeses you sometimes get in holiday baskets; flavored like port or pimento. want to make some of your own? here's what you do;

• gather all your leftover cheese bits.  ALL of them.  got weird things with herbs? blues? soft, runny cheeses? some tillamook?  it will all be delicious in this, i promise. if you think that sounds weird, it's because it does, but trust me.  in the last batch i made, i put in feta, herbed goat cheese, aged gouda, smoked cheese, sharp cheddars, and some mystery "sheep" cheese that i'm not really sure was sheep.  guess what? it rocked.  cheeses you think would taste terrible together taste great in this.  
• some wine, broth, water or milk/cream.  i prefer to make mine with white wine, that's classic.  not a sweet white either; a house white, a chardonnay, something dry and delicious.  if you don't like wine, use some sort of brothy goodness to give it some more flavor.  if you don't have broth, add some water, maybe mixed with some milk or cream.  use what you have.  have some nice sherry? that would be good too.  
• garlic.  one or two cloves, depending on how much you like garlic or how much cheese you have.  today i used two cloves, and had a whole food processor full of cheese.  remember: you won't be able to taste the garlic at first, and it will get stronger.  so if you think you didn't add enough, wait a day, and taste it again.  
• pepper. you can grind it, or you can sprinkle it out of the shaker, i'm not going to judge you.  
• you may need some salt, but personally, i never use it, and haven't needed it.  cheese is pretty salty.  

cut your cheeses into pieces about the same size.  roughly, you're going to blend the hell out of them, so don't fuss over it too much.  put your garlic in the food processor, then pulse it a bit to start chopping it.  add the cheese, in batches if you have a lot (adding softer cheeses nearer to the end), pulsing and mushing and mixing.  add the wine (or broth, or whatever) a bit at a time, getting the cheese mix damp, but not swimming.  you will probably have some chunks, and that is okay.  you can blend it smoother or rougher depending on how you like it, but i enjoy some fat bits of cheese mixed in there.  add as much liquid as will make it smooth-ish without being creamy (because if you mix it too much, it will start to separate and be weird).  when it's done, pack it into jars or pot!  you can eat it right away, but it gets better the longer it sits.  spread it on crackers, toast, or pipe bits into endive spears to be all fancy. dip crudite in it, use it on a sandwich, or eat it on a spoon.  feed it to your friends, make sure you say "fromage" like you mean it, and watch them swoon. 

delicious!

thankful

we had thanksgiving in our new house today!  it was supposed to be a small event, with just the four of us and my mom and aunt.  then my cousin came, and my sister and her boyfriend, and the in-laws!  it was a fun day, to be honest, and i'm glad everyone got to come over.  our little house was full of people we love, wine, food, and the living room had been vacuumed.  success! 

anyone married to a cook knows this; even if you are not a doof in the kitchen, they will take over and have some prima donna moments, and you will get to cook one, maybe two things if you are lucky.  me, i made the cranberry relish, a few radish roses, and a kick ass cheese tray.  everything else was all D.  he made tiny cornish game hens, stuffed with dressing, a brussels sprout gratin with smoked gouda, mashed potatoes, two kinds of gravy (one plain, one with fancy chanterelle mushrooms, wine and cream), green beans almandine, sweet potatoes with pecans, a giant fruit salad, a ham, and a grape pie.  imagine how tired you are of reading all those words, then eat them, and go take a nap.  whew.  i got fat just thinking about dinner.  needless to say, it was delicious and i loved every bite.  we had champagne with dinner, spiked with a little cherry juice, and afterward ate pumpkin pie my mom brought over.  

i have to say, i have a lot to be grateful for this year.  a happy, healthy little family; a new house; a cat that likes to nap with me; kids who get my stupid jokes and make their own; a job that pays me like a grown up, and all my friends and family.  speaking of, we're going to get a little bigger next year; my sister is having another baby!  i just found out yesterday, and i will admit, i have a bit of a baby high going on right now.  (and maybe a buzz from all the good food and love and knowing i have another three days off to knit and lounge!)  i hope everyone had an equally boss day (boss is my new favorite word, which i guess means i'm a boy from 1972), and thanks for stopping by!  maybe next year you can come over and help us eat some of this food...

while catching up on blogs

i came upon a shout-on over at sarah's blog!  she very kindly called me a versatile blogger, which is awesome, and came at just the right time because honestly, i feel super boring lately.  a blog is primarily a "hey this is what's going on in my head" kind of endeavor, but none of us would blog if we didn't enjoy having readers, right?  essentially it boils down to this; yes, a lot of what i write is just ho-hum, i did this today and blah blah blah, not a big deal, but i like having readers.  what makes this blog different from a regular paper journal/diary is that i get feedback from people.  some of them i know in real life, some i don't.  either way, it feels enormously good to hear, "yeah, i feel that way too," or "i get it."  in one way or another, isn't almost every comment a "yeah, me too" sort of comment?  the satisfaction that comes from writing something, explaining an emotion/day/scenario in a way that makes someone else recognize the same in their own life is one of my favorite things.  which is a long-winded way of saying, oh sarah! thank you.  and now on to five little known facts about me,

1. until earlier this week, i honestly thought my cat just had one hole to do all her business out of.  which, for someone who studied animals in college, has had a cat for more than a few years, and is normally not a retard, is pretty embarrassing to admit.  i think part of me did not want to think about my cat having lady parts, and part of me just only ever saw kitten butthole.  after i said that out loud, as in, "what? doesn't lulu only have the one hole?" i immediately knew i was wrong. and now the boychik and D call everything they think is a dumb a "one hole."  for a smart girl, sometimes i am really dense.
2. i stayed out way past my curfew once with a boyfriend in high school, and when i got home, my dad was furious and accused me of "losing my cherry."  OUT LOUD.  i was 15, and had no idea what "cherry" meant, but was humiliated and freaked out nonetheless.  for one thing, i had never had a curfew before he stopped going out to sea, and whenever i'd been super late before, mom always waited until the next morning to yell at me, and so the whole situation was seriously bizarre.  what makes this worse is that sometimes when i miss my dad so much i feel like my ribs are going to cave in and suffocate me, i think about that, and it makes me feel better.  secretly (or not so secretly now) this makes me feel like a bad daughter, but as much as i loved my pop, it helps to remember the times when he was kind of a dick.  
3. i feel uncomfortable around "real" indians because i'm just a half-breed (even less than that!) and not indian enough.  as much as i enjoy going to the rez and hanging out with my cousins, i don't mention being native out loud to a lot of people because i don't feel nearly indian enough.  i have a weird relationship with my ethnicity, and vacillate between being proud and/or indignant, and afraid to say it out loud because i look like a nice italian girl.  you know, even though i'm not even remotely italian. 
4. until i met D, i was super embarrassed about my feet.  i was convinced they were the ugliest feet on earth, and no amount of googling photos of "hammertoe" made me feel better.  but D thought they were adorable and in some way he made me feel better.  i can't tell you exactly how he did it, but one day i was in the shower and i thought, "he might be right, they might not be hideously deformed."  what a nice thing he did, without even trying.  
5. i have very, very mild eczema in a few places, but every patch i get i worry and pick at until it's the grossest thing on earth.  to whit; my belly button has been weirdly dry and crusty for over a year, because the moment it almost heals all the way, i get back in there and pick some more.  i'm like sarah with scabs, only a million times worse.  my belly button is so gross!  no one would drink champagne out of it.  D even said that once, and while it made me sad, i understood.  me and my dry skin are not good friends.  

i don't think all of my "little known" facts needed to be so gross and shameful, but there you go!  i'm supposed to pass this on to other bloggers, but truth be told, being so honest made me sleepy, so i'll get to that part later.  go to bed!  what are you doing up so late? are you busy losing your cherry?!  i'll kick that boy's ass if i find him....

these pretzels are making me thirsty

oh wait, no; this job training is making me thirsty. for beer.  so much information, coming at me from all directions, in all forms, in one small, window-less room that vacillates between sahara hot and icebox cold.

in a lot of ways day two was better; less nerves, more doing stuff, but in other ways it was just as frustrating. still lots of computer problems, one person who never ever ever shuts their mouth, weird downtime followed by briefs spurts of remember-this-OMG-this-is-important-stuff.

what made me feel a million times better was our trainer saying to us today, "my third day i just went home and cried, and was convinced that i would never get all of this, feeling like the stupidest person on earth, and now i've been here for 7 years." yeah. i know it's going to get better and all the technical snafu's will get worked out and soon i'll be pining for the times i spent these past two days getting to know my classmates/co-workers, but right now i just need a beer and to go to bed early.

only six more weeks of training

first day of work under my belt and the verdict (so far) is good.  it's a very nice office, with super nice people working in it, and there are coffee pots every three feet; what more can you ask for in a work place?  i already like not dealing with patients who have three teeth, smell like wet dog and cigarettes and spend most of their time with me trying to get me to write them a script for xanax.  i like wearing grown up clothes.  getting up this morning and spending five minutes more on my face didn't feel like a waste of time.  i wore a dress and i looked cute.  moreover, i felt cute.  it was nice.

in every class i've ever taken, every school, every training, there's always one person who just cannot shut up, and today that person sat in front of me all day long.  every question was prefaced with an "i don't mean to interrupt..." which just drove me more crazy because OMG you totally do mean to interrupt and when butt kissing becomes distracting, i think it loses its charm.  at the end of the day, i just really wanted this person to shut up, but i think that's normal for any (and every) first day doing anything, be it work, class, volunteering, etc.

i'm excited about actually getting to train; today was the sort of day when nice people from HR tell you a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense right away, you fill out more paperwork, try to figure out your computer and find the bathrooms.  good, but ultimately boring and when it's not boring, frustrating.  there's something that feels so good about getting that first day out of the way, though, am i right?  it's a hurdle, a test you pass and the rest of the week is just easier because it's not that first day.  whew.

first day jitters

it's a good thing i didn't make a list, because honestly, this week i got very little done.  i finished the boychik's bedroom curtains, unpacked a few boxes, bought some new work clothes, and did some laundry.  that is about the sum total of stuff i did over this week.  well, that and knit some tiny mushrooms and take naps.  the xmas gifts i was going to work on, the needle felting i was going to try, the bedroom i was going to paint...all of that most definitely did not happen.  ah well, it's not often you get a whole seven days to just blow.  i did make it out once to see a friend for a beer, and made a few good dinners, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. 

tonight my plan is to try to not worry too much, pick out my outfit, get breakfast ready to go, and paint my nails some ridiculous, you-can't-see-it-but-i-know-it's-there color.  i like a very neutral nail color, is that weird? for a girl who is drawn to bright orange and red and sparkly, it surprises even me.  i suppose i should also figure out what to make for dinner, and get on that.  i love love love that today was the day we "fell back," because it means i got up "early" and got more done today than ever!  hee hee...

this week is flying by

i am really glad i took some time off in between jobs, but somehow it's already wednesday, and i feel like i'm not getting enough done.  although i did get two more boxes all the way unpacked, and for someone who will gladly live with random boxes for as long as i can, that was kind of a big deal.  still throwing stuff away, wondering why i move so much crap every time i move, trying to figure out which weirdo toys to keep.  that is the one thing that i think my husband and i don't see eye to eye on; i like being surrounded by oddball toys and knick knacks and tchotchkes, and he would rather not be. i know living with someone means a certain amount of compromise, but for him that means giving me a room and letting me do what i want with it.  that's a nice idea, but i don't just live in one room.  i've toned it down quite a bit since moving in with him, but i can't help if i think an army of plastic squirrels on the mantle in the living room is the best idea ever.  remember, i'm part bowerbird. 

that being said, this week i'm going to do my hardest to organize the kitchen, make the downstairs a bit more livable, and clean out my closet.  there are lots of other things i want to do as well, but those three are on the top of my list.