packing and unpacking all sorts of baggage

today was my pop's birthday. i remember last year he didn't want to celebrate; he kind of blew us all off, and when my sister tried to at least make a dinner out of it, he shot her down and she was pretty pissed. if we'd known then that he only had a month to live, would things have been different? i guess that's why we don't know. reasonably, i know that's how it should be, but i can't help but wonder and wish i'd done more for his birthday.

this year i was supposed to see my mom and sister and have dinner in pop's honor at his favorite little restaurant in coupeville, the tyee. he always got the fish and chips and an MGD, draught. i couldn't go, thanks to this retched cold/flu/plague i have. it would have been nice.

as it is, i spent the day alternately napping, sweating, and opening up random boxes to see what i had in them. i've always known i take a lot of photos, but my pre-digital days gives those photos an actual heft and physical space. i found more than a few photos of pop, and honestly, being able to hold a photo in your hand feels totally different than looking at it on a computer screen. i think i'd forgotten that. i'm sad. it's been almost a year now, and while i don't feel like i'm being punched in the gut all the time anymore, i don't feel great. there were more than a few changes in the past year, and there's a part of me that's still reeling from that, and a part of me that's gotten a whole lot better at adapting. at this point, however sad i feel, i can see things getting better. let's face it, the past few years i've been in a bit of a funk, and i've acquired a couple of bad habits that i'm going to need to kick. sugar and TV being high up on my list. i'd do anything to have pop back, but not having him, and losing him so suddenly, shook me up. i don't want to waste any more time. i don't want any more boxes of stuff languishing for years, i don't want to keep getting rounder and unhappier with my body, i don't want to be afraid to put down roots and deal with grown-up shit, i don't want to be who i am right now. which isn't to say that i'm entirely unhappy with myself, but i know i can do better. looking at those photos, looking at the life i'd built at one time, before i started doubting myself and everything else, made me realize in very clear terms what's changed in my life. i think the more i've tried to mold my life into what i think the "right" thing to do is, what i "should" be doing, the farther away from me i've become.

perhaps this is all hocus pocus, sinus-infection, ramblings of a sickly woman, but i might also be onto something. more making, less talking. more doing and creating and enjoying, and less living up in my own head, analyzing every damn thing to death. more! thank you. i'll be taking my sudafed and heading to bed now.

please make it stop hurting

dear lord, my body aches. i have some sort of cold that is kicking my ass. it started monday night; right after we got home from getting my stuff out of storage (!!!). my back had been hurting me for a few days, and i thought maybe all the lifting and moving had just exacerbated it, until i got the wicked chills. for the past 24 hours it's felt like my body can't regulate its own body temp; for the first 12 or so hours i couldn't get warm. there i was on the couch, in sweatpants, with long socks, a t shirt and a hoodie sweatshirt on, laying on a heating pad and cuddling a hot water bottle, covered in three blankets, and i was still cold. yesterday afternoon that broke and i couldn't stop sweating for a few hours. a tepid bath helped calm that down, but now i'm at a point where i'm too hot if i'm under the covers, but if i so much as a poke a hand out i'm covered in goosepimples. what the fuck. my bones ache. the skin over my bones aches. i'm terribly thirsty. my sinuses are so packed with god-knows-what that if i tilt my head forward i get that lovely blinding pain behind my eyes. in short, i'm pretty sure i'm dying. it got so bad yesterday i actually called my coworker to see if he thought i should go to the ER. he didn't; evidently he had something a lot like this with more coughing a few weeks ago. ugh.

but you know, if any of these symptoms seems freaky to you and you have a different opinion, feel free to let me know.

in the meantime, i'm busy either sleeping on the couch or in bed. our living room is packed to the gills with all my stuff, which is now, once and for all, out of storage. mousies got into some of it, but i don't think the damage is too bad. if we all get the hanta virus, though, i'm going to be pissed. the kids have been having a grand old time going through my stufff; they think it's cool and have been showing it all to their friends. it's very sweet and touching. they've also been huggy and sweet to me; making sure i have jello and juice and asking me how i am every half hour. such nice kids. i got really lucky.

sitting up for almost an hour has drained me. i was hoping to go to work today, but i don't think it's going to happen. it's also my pop's birthday, and i wanted to go have dinner with my mom tonight as well. damn you cold. i guess i'll wait and see how i feel and go from there. i think right now, though, i need to be back on the couch with the cat.

it's a good thing mom got rid of those medical encyclopedias

because for the past three days i've been thirstier than usual, and at 3 a.m. this morning i realized i might have diabetes. or i might have been eating meals with sodium contents the equivalent of a bovine salt lick. or something else not life-threatening. i'm such a weirdo.

i'm also going to go look for some new eyeglasses today, which thrills me. i love buying new glasses! i also think i need a little amanda-time, and no one likes tagging along with someone buying glasses, so i've just assured myself a few hours alone. there are some betsey johnson frames i saw at costco that i love, but they might be a little too funky for everday wear. i think doing some more looking won't hurt, and if it just reaffirms my love for all things betsey, then that is okay too.

tomorrow we're renting a truck and getting all my stuff out of storage! i haven't seen anything in there in over two years; to say i'm excited is an understatement. sure, most everything in there i could have re-purchased for far less than i spent on the goddamn storage fees, but there are things in there that i couldn't buy. like some of my pop's teeth, as well as my own wisdom teeth. my creepy homemade dolls. my terrible artwork. my tiny formica table. all the yarns and fabrics! my cameras. my journals full of teen angst. ooh, i can hardly wait. this week will be one of massive does of nostalgia. watch out.

proof that i really have no idea what i'm doing

the girlchild took up basketball. in a lot of ways this is awesome; she's learning the ropes, getting to run around like a crazy kid a few hours a week, working out team dynamics, and having a good time. she's also a competitve girl, and i think sports are a great way for her to express that.

the thing is, i really hate basketball. all by itself, it's not a sport i enjoy, in any way; watching, playing, or hearing about it, i just hate it. while i'm all for taking her to practice and going to games, i find myself all jaw clenchy and irritated by the time they're done. the incessant smacking of the ball against the wood floor, the shrieks of pre-teen girls, all the "likes" and "ums" and older teen sisters talking about stupid shit and wearing the same skinny jeans and converse...it's all very, very annoying to me. i bring my knitting with me, so i have something to work on, and if i have to go to practice i listen to my ipod. i find it hard to feign interest in the game, and trying to remain supportive and smiley is hard work at times.

she knows i don't love basketball, but i do make sure to let her know that if she digs it, that's all i need to know. i'll take her to games and practice, make sure her little uniform is clean, and have dinner ready for her early, but is it so wrong to wish she was a mathlete?

why did the mean pea cross the road?

to use up all my health insurace!

okay, not really. in mean pea news: i saw another orthopedist, and he told me that indeed, there was more messed up in my hand than simply a ganglion cyst. however, he was pretty sure that my messed up palm wasn't dupuytren's contracture. it's more of a generalized fascia contracture, meaning that for some reason the tissue in that area of my palm is scarring and thickening, causing pain and pressure. dupuytren's usually occurs under or around a tendon, though, resulting in an awesome claw hand, and my fascia contracture seems to be not affecting the tendons of my hand. it's totally beginning to press upon my carpal tunnel, though. whoo! hence the burning pain down my wrist and occasional hand weakness.

he told me that they could operate on my hand and get rid of the pea and try to reduce the scarring and thickness of my palm. he also told me that the surgery to get rid of the scar tissue often just causes a lot more scar tissue, and that one of the only ways to allieviate that was to leave me with an open fucking incision (i added the f-bomb), and let the scar work it's way up through my flesh and heal there. my hand wouldn't be a claw, but it would be all frankenstein-y. because the mean pea showed up after the fascia contracture, he thinks they're related, and just going in and removing the pea probably won't do that much good, since it will most likely grow back, only bigger and meaner this time.

what does all this mean? it means that the appointment the ortho made with the hand surgeon i cancelled. honestly, three doctor's appointments in as many weeks used all pretty much all of my health care benefits for the year. the kids better not get polio, is all i'm saying. from everything i've read and everything the doctor's have told me, my best bet is to wait until my hand becomes an unbearable nightmare, and then operate on it. in the meantime, i'm still working it out, still knitting and typing and making sure not to bump the mean pea into anything because that hurts like a sonofabitch, still a bit achey, but glad i at least know what's going on. the mean pea is relieved to know he gets to hang around for a few more years, and now i have a lot of medical terminology to throw around like i know what it means. we all win a little! although i think the pea makes out best in this situation. asshole.

lesson in FAIL

i guess this morning i thought it would be really fun to be uncomfortable all day. i put on a pair of shoes that are pretty uncomfortable; they haven't been properly broken in, and on top of that they're heavy. right this second they are pinching my toes and heel as well as weighing 85 pounds. i'm also wearing my new contacts, which are uncomfortable on so many levels. for one, my face is all naked. when i see myself in the mirror all i can think is "damn! that's a lot of face!" there are no glasses to push up my nose, so when i try, i end up poking myself around the bridge of my nose. the prescription is also new, leaving me feeling slightly seasick. the ground keeps coming up to meet me, and my stupid heavy feet aren't quick enough to get out of the way. if i somehow manage to not trip over myself today it will be a miracle.

the good news is that i got to sleep in this morning until 7 a.m. and that, my friends, was awesome.

aaah! i'm naked!

if you thought you were going to get to see boobs, sorry! that should have said, "aaah! my face is naked!" had a visit with the nice eye doctor at costco (if you have a membership i would like to highly recommend their services; not too expensive, they took my insurance, and the eye doc i got was surprisingly bullshit free. he didn't try to talk me into anything!), and got a pair of contacts to try out. as most of you know, i don't wear contacts. i used to, but i gave them up almost ten years ago, because my eyes always felt dry and weird. in fact, today i had that same experience! curious. although i think it's because 1) i'm out of practice and 2) the new prescription is going to take some getting used to. i'm not going to wear them everyday, but i would like to be able to wear them on occasion. like, maybe when i get married.

this is where i waffle. on the one hand, i'm very much "dude, i'm blind, i wear glasses, whatever." D met me in glasses. he thought then (and thinks now) that i'm foxy in them, but he thinks i'm foxy out of them as well. on the other hand, i feel like there's this idea that women who wear glasses normally should try to dress up for their weddings, and this usually means replacing their glasses with contacts. not many pretty-pretty princesses are shown in eyewear, just like not a lot of brides are shown with four eyes. my glasses are a part of my face, and they have been since i was 11. the few years i wore contacts i still always felt like a girl who wore glasses, like a bit of a fraud without them on. today my face felt naked and weird, and i had nothing to fiddle with or clean. my wedding will probably be nerve-wracking enough, do i really want to do it with a naked face? i guess we'll see.
in non-feminist wedding musings, here's a photo of one of the things i got D for valentine's day. yeah, i don't buy into all that commercial bullshit, honest, but i like being able to buy him weird or funny things anyway, so why not use this holiday as an excuse? plus, he is sort of my valentine, so there's that. it's this neat little cookbook i found at a used book store, called maverick sea fare. it's a caribbean cookbook, but so much more than that. it's all hand-drawn and lettered, as you can see, and has these charming illustrations on every page. it's also a bit of a journal, documenting a woman's life on board a chartered sailboat, as a wife and cook. there are quite a few funny little stories, hints and tips for living aboard a boat, along with all the recipes. at the time it was first published, in 1977, some of the ingredients weren't part of everyday american cooking and were seen as fairly exotic. now, of course, it's not too strange to see pineapple and fish together, or cashews migrating from the nut bowl to the dinner table. i admit, i bought this as much for D as i did for myself. he loves boats, he loves sailing and cooking, and i loved living on a boat. it's a secret fantasy we have, of building a catamaran and doing chartered tours to make money and spending the rest of our time sailing the seas and making awesome meals. well, he'll build the boat, but i'll cheer him on, and i'm all for sailing around and waking up in the morning to have coffee on the deck, getting cozy in our berths at night, and seeing new places. of course, i also kinda want to do this in an RV (old school, like an airstream) too. when we talk about it, we refer to it as our "caravan years;" after the kids are out of the house and set up on their own, we want to live a little nomadically for a while. doesn't that sound nice? it's a bit early to plan for that, but i can't help but indulge in thinking about it on occasion.

trying something new

while reading one of my favorite webcomics, inkdick (how can you not love the name?!) i came upon this idea, which came via this blog. in short; you make ten goals a day, then check them off as you finish them. you pick a time period (a week, months, years?), and you graph your productivity. i like the idea. it combines lists with stars* and getting things done. i made my list this afternoon, and so far have gotten 5 of the 10 things done.

one of those things was to make a small drawing. i worked on acorn drawings, and am thinking about making my own rubber stamp for our wedding invitations. i was thinking an address stamp would make all the, well, addressing, easier. plus, there a million lovely custom stamps on etsy, and i never need much of an excuse/reason for shopping on etsy. i'm not sure my stamp carving skills are all that great, seeing as i've never actually made a stamp, so perhaps i'll get a good design and talk one of those crafty etsy kids into making it up for me. so many ideas!

remind me tomorrow to put watching an episode of the simpsons on my list. i'm pretty sure i can get that done.

*i don't think the official idea has anything to do with stars, but i want to make a big chart where i give myself stars for being awesome.

aaargh

the news on my mean pea is dubious. i went to see and orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and evidently i might have bigger problems than the pea. i had some xrays done, and learned that my pea does, in fact, look like a pea under there. that was sort of cool, and i really wish i'd brought my camera into the exam room with me! damn.

the thing is, i have this funny crease in my palm that showed up about four years ago. when it appeared, i noticed my hand lost some strength and was sore. every doctor i saw since then i showed it to, and they all said, "hmmm" and shrugged and left it at that. i bought one of those weirdo hand-squeezey-things to work on my strength and that was that. the pea showed up a few years later, and when i showed that to the doctor, he said that the pea was probably under my skin for a while, causing the crease, before it came to the surface, and that once the pea (thought to be a ganglion cyst) was excised, everything would go back to normal.

now the doctor isn't sure if the crease and pea are even related. he thinks the crease is dupuytren's contracture. this would mean the tissues in the crease are thickening and shortening the tendons in my palm, and will eventually pull my thumb and forefinger into a claw position and i'll be unable to straighten them. without surgery, that is. evidently this is very rare in someone my age without any injury, and it's also rare to have my thumb and forefinger affected. before they know what is, though, i have to go in for more tests. they'll probably do an MRI (ha ha), and i have to see another surgeon for a consult.

the good news is that if it is dupuytren's, we caught it early enough that surgery will help. the pea will still need to come out, but they aren't sure if it is a true ganglion cyst or some weird after effect of the contracture. either way, the surgery on my hand will likely be a bit more complicated and take me out of commission a bit longer. awesome! until then, i'll continue to take photos of the pea, who is now kind of weirded about by the fact that he might not be biggest issue.

saturday hijinks

the boychik and i headed out to the la conner flats to put down the deposit for sept. 18th. this means that we are indeed getting married in september! i wasn't terribly afraid of losing our date, since i'd let them know we wanted to reserve it and the folks that run the la conner flats are amazing, but i wanted them to know we were serious. i wanted to make sure we locked the date down, just in case someone else got the grand idea that they were going to get married there on our weekend.

we also went book shopping, and i found some neat boat ones for D, to give him for valentine's day. i also finished a knitting project, got it blocked and am waiting for it to dry so i can take some new photos of it. now i want to tidy up the sewing room a bit more, listen to some podcasts, and get some more knitting done. mean pea be dammed!

cut it out

meet my mean pea. it's a ganglion cyst, formerly known as a bible cyst. it lives between the thumb and forefinger of my left hand. i've had it for a long time, although for a few years it was just a weird crease on my palm; it took a while for the cyst itself to work its way up to the surface. ganglion cysts aren't dangerous or cancerous, they're normally just annoying. you can smash them with something heavy and get rid of them (you know, like bibles!), you can wait to see if they go away (many do), or you can see a doctor and have them cut it out of you. either way, unless it affects your range of motion or causes a lot of pain, most doctors suggest just letting them be.

my mean pea is kind of a dick. it makes knitting for longer than half and hour hurt. it sometimes sends a shooting, burning pain from my thumb down to my wrist. if i bump it into anything it hurts like a mother-humper. my grip on that side, while never stellar since i'm a righty, has gotten weaker. i have a hard time opening up jars. i often tell the kids i need help because the pea is acting up. i can't write or type for long periods of time. it looks funny. in short, the mean pea and i are not very good friends.

since i've had it for so long, the doctor thinks it might be time to excise it. i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on monday to take a look at it, and while part of me is all, "yay! cut the fucker out!" the part of me that worries just wants to know how much it will cost and whether or not it's even worth it. there's a good chance it'll just come back. of course, having my hand back would also rule, even if it doesn't last forever. before i get all mopey and "why bother" about it, i should probably just see the good doctor and see what they say. who knows, maybe it's not really a cyst, maybe it's a tooth and i can use my one free dental visit to have it removed.

hooray for february!

i can't believe how quickly this year is going past so far! it's like it took a running start or something. january was literally here just a second ago, and now it's gone. *poof*

today is the first day of the second month, and i'm planning on getting some stuff done. to that end, i will be loading the ipod up with podcasts, shutting the computer off, and getting into the shower, post-haste. today i'm hoping to accomplish the following:

• the sewing room needs a good tidy and clean. i can't actually do any sewing in here! my yarn is all kind of hidden, which i think might not be such a good idea. if i can see what i have, i might actually use it, instead of repeatedly buying yarns almost identical to the ones i have at home.
  
• the living room also needs a good once-over. i think the weekend i was in portland it was completely ignored, and as much as i harass the kids to clean up after themselves, sometimes i want it clean the way i want it cleaned. i am such a tyrant.
• pay some bills. boo hiss.
• go someplace new with D to eat. we like to do this on mondays; we find some place we've never tried and go eat lunch there. lunch is usually cheaper than dinner, and we sit and talk about how good/bad the food is, what could be improved, try to guess what the ingredients are, critique the staff and decor, and have a pretty good time. we're dorks, but i'm glad we're dorks together.
  

city love

as a kid growing up on whidbey island, going into the city of seattle was always a big deal. i remember being in the backseat of the car, looking out the window, straining to see the space needle the very second it came into view. i would get this big rush of a feeling, right in my chest, like i'd taken the deepest breath possible and was now ready to explode. seattle was interesting, it was different and new and had people and things and art like i'd never imagined. i always thought i would feel that way only about seattle, and for the most part that's true. however, i have another city that makes me feel much the same way, and that would be portland, or.

i had such a good time this weekend. when i cross the bridge and see the sign that says "entering portland" my chest gets that same feeling i used to have as a kid on my way into the "city," and i get excited about seeing my friends and doing new and different things. portland is in some ways more exciting to me, since i don't know it that well. getting to see my friends is also a huge part of why i love portland so much.

my first full day there, anne got her first tattoo, had her first shot of tequila, helped me try on wedding dresses, and organized a very surprising bachelorette party for me. if that's not the most awesome thing you've ever read, then you are dead inside. then later, after i'd had way more than my allotted share of tequila, i barfed in not one, but all three of the toilets in anne's house! puking makes me feel all shaky and panicy, so when it wouldn't stop (and it wouldn't!), i went upstairs thinking i'd drink some water and lay down on the couch. (my thinking at that point was, "if i'm going to die, i want to do it up there, where i'll be found sooner." i stay in the basement when i visit, because my friends are well aware of my mole-person tendencies.) the water didn't stay down, and i ventured up to the top floor of the house where i knew anne would pat me on the back and work her mom-magic. sometimes, when you're barfing, all you really need is a soothing voice telling you you're going to be fine, and here's a rubber band to pull your hair out of your face. we had a good chuckle too, in between my dry-heaves. evidently i am not as young or as much of a rock-star as i like to think.

and if you don't like to read about food after hearing about puking, then maybe you should stop now.

remember how i said i wanted to eat delicious things? well, that also happened. anne introduced me to bui natural tofu, which is epicly awesome. even if you don't think you like tofu, you will find something there to enjoy. we had the onion tofu, the lemongrass, the meatballs tucked into tofu pillows, and the salad rolls. there wasn't anything there that i didn't enjoy. the staff is also crazy nice and helpful. we had pie at bipartisan, then anne made a cherry and blueberry pie at home the next day. her crust really is the best. i shared my cheesey eggs one morning with henry, and then there was the Unfortunate Incident with The Burrito. the only one of us digested any part of it was aussie, the dog. aside from that, the portland eats were just as good as i hoped!

i came home tired, happy, and inspired to make and do new stuff. it was nice to get out of town for a bit, and it was nice to come home. i have photos of all this over on flickr, if you want to go check it out. there might be photos there of a certain blogger trying on wedding dresses...

things i want to do while in portland

eat something delicious. i'm pretty sure pie is on the menu (hell yeah it is!), and maybe something tasty and of the steamed bun variety?!

look at wedding dresses. i'm actually more and more excited about the idea, oddly enough. in general i've been worrying that it will be hard to find something i like, or that the whole thing will be a lot of disappointmet (like finding an awesome dress, only to have it be way to expensive), but this weekend i get to do it with friends, and that will soften any blow the wedding industry might have in store for me.

read comics with the boys.

maybe do a little yarn/craft shopping. specifically, i want to make this little shawlette, and i need to find some cool yarn to do it with! i've also been really good about not yarn shopping in portland, because i know i'll find a million things i want/need/covet.

i think it will be nice to get out of my house, out of my head a bit, and see people i never get to see! as my boy T puts it, "aunt amanda, a year between visits is too long." true that, little man. i used to go down to portland all the time! i miss it there. it's my kind of town.

ooh, and my little niece turns the big 4 weekend! so i need to get her a present that won't make her mama insane. right now i have this awesome laughing puppy toy for her, but it gets a bit obnoxious after a while, and i don't want to make my sister and her boyfriend crazy!

good morning

most mornings are seriously quiet, and because i get up earlier than everyone else, i don't usually see anyone until the boychild wakes up, which is normally right before i leave. this morning D got up early as well, and when i got out of the shower he was in the kitchen, listening to NPR and puttering around. the boychild was getting ready to head to school, and it was almost time to wake up the girlchild. as i was sitting in the living room, putting on my shoes, the smell of coffee and the sound of the radio reminded me of mornings when i was a kid. pop would be at the kitchen table drinking coffee, mom would be doing her hair and makeup on the other side of the table, the radio between them (and pop sometimes talking back to political news he didn't care for), while my sister and i got ready for school. everyone up and quietly talking, listening to the news, drinking coffee or eating cereal, shaking off sleep. as a kid i always thought it must totally suck to be mom and dad and have to get up so damn early, but this morning i felt good to be that adult, up with D, drinking coffee and waking up. it's nice to have my own little family in the morning.

bits and bobs

i get to go out of town this weekend, which is pretty exciting. i don't think i've left town in far too long, and i'm looking forward to getting to see friends and just goofing off. it's also time to start to actually doing some wedding planning. crazy. the other day i realized i have 8 months to go and maybe i should start trying on dresses and picking out stationary and compiling addresses. D's mom is super excited about the planning, and since she recently helped one of his brothers plan and execute his wedding, she knows a lot about what's in the area. if i think about all the stuff i have to do before someone pronounces us man and wife, i hyperventilate a little, so i'm trying to parse it out into small things; this month i start with the dresses and paper, next month, who knows! food, and decorations. thank goodness we already know where we want to get married. which reminds me, i should really bring them some cash money, so we can indeed actually get hitched there. see! so much to do.

things that will automatically endear you to me

or, i knew i liked you for a reason:

1. you like to take naps. this applies to toddlers, cats and dogs, and friends. although with some folks, we don't nap together so much as we nap in the same room. my co-worker and i plot out our nap schedule early in the day, which is one reason we get along so well.
2. you like to knit/sew/crochet/make stuff. maybe you like to make stuff i can't, like bicycles or souffles, or woodcut illustrations, which means i like you even more and hey? can you show me how to do that?
3. you are a nerdy teenager with a questionable haircut. for some reason, i am a sucker for this. if you are a goth teenager, watch out, because i will try to hug you and make you listen to bauhaus cds with me. they bring out the weird mama-bear instinct in me. goth kids are like catnip!
4. you like comics.
5. you enjoy sneaking beers or cocktails into the movie theater. honestly, just about any and every movie ever made could benefit from a little whiskey or vodka poured into your soda. true story.
6. do you wear red shoes? because those are my favorite shoes, and if you are wearing them, suddenly i find you a lot more likeable.

there's more, of course, but today i was thinking about all the things that make me more likely to decide i like a person. i started thinking about it when i was explaining to someone else why i like my job so much (hint: it has nothing to do with the actual work i do, and more to do with being lucky enough to spend my days with someone pretty like-minded).

WAIT! i forgot to add, if you like the joke, "that's what she said!" then we are automatically the best of friends. i can't believe i almost forgot.

knitting burnout

this is the largest knitting project that i've ever done; an afghan for D's folks for christmas. it's the mayfield afghan from the lion brand website (be warned, you have to create an account to log in and download the free patterns), and while it wasn't terribly hard, it did require a certain amount of patience and paying attention. it turned out nice (even though there are a few spots where i know i messed up), and they liked it, but since the holidays i haven't started anything i've been happy with. i made D a pair of socks with some yarn i'd bought specifically to make him a christmas present with, but that's it. everything else i've started i've already ripped out. i just can't seem to find a project that i'm excited about, or one that doesn't feel like something i've already made a hundred of. the other day i started a hat with some yarn i'd forgotten i had, but i got about five inches in and realized i pretty much have that hat already, just in a different color. i don't really need that many hats. it's not that cold where i live.

i know i said i wanted to try knitting with colors and making designs, but i should probably take a tiny break from knitting until i at least find something i'm stoked about. maybe i'll make myself a pair of socks, just to keep my skills up. i have to admit the pair of socks i made D after xmas turned out nice; i think i finally got my tension right where i want it, and all those other pairs of socks i've made were good practice. it's not like every pair of socks i've made before those were shitty, it's just these were decidedly not shitty, and actually pretty awesome. i guess that saying about practice making perfect isn't too far off the mark.

it just felt really good to have a few fun projects to work on, and now when i sit on the couch i'm kind of at a loss! what to do with my hands?

we all need to get D to go along with this

even if he won't okay it for all our guests, i can guarantee that my friends will be getting a save the date card with a red solo cup in one form or another on it.

the end. (unless you want to read more about the wedding over here.)

one week in!

i said i was going to blog more often, then i totally slouched.

got a cold. my sinuses are packed with lord-knows-what and i'm pretty miserable.

back to working full time, no more holiday vacations any time soon. today was my one year anniversary working with mri's, and forgoing my glamorous chicken-frying life. it feels like the time went by so quickly!

the most exciting thing to happen this week, and thus far this year, is that my mother gave me my great-grandmother's engagement ring. i'd always liked it, but didn't want to take it from her, and wasn't sure if i'd look good in it, etc, but i have to say, i'm thrilled to have it now. secretly, i have always loved this ring and hoped someday i would get hitched and get to use it. true, i don't always wear yellow gold (meaning, i never do), and i'm ambivalent about diamonds, but the setting is so unique, and the diamond is an heirloom, and hopefully not the cause of some major bloodshed. knowing it was my great-grandmother's, then my grandmother's, and my mom's before it came to me feels amazing. it may sound hokey, but knowing i'm the fourth woman in my family (and, weirdly enough, the only without the name mary, or a variation thereof) makes me feel connected, and part of some tradition that until now i couldn't fully comprehend. all those women before me met a man that they decided to marry; all of them looked at a guy and thought, "yeah, i could wake up with him every day." all of them created new families, their own families, all of them lived and loved and worked alongside the men they had chosen. i know we've all had different experiences, and i know that marriage isn't going to make my life all unicorns and rainbows, but there's something to be said for going through the same thing they did.

D's mom found out about the ring and offered us her parent's wedding bands. that she thought of us, and was excited to discover that i was (am) into family heirlooms, feels absolutely fantastic. it's touching. she likes me enough to offer me her mother's ring. i just want to hug and squeeze her until she pops! we're going to go look at them later this week, but i can already tell you the chances are good that i'll take the ring. having a set from both sides of the family would be pretty cool. how could i resist that?

about eight months until i am actually, legally, seriously, married. when we started talking about this, october 2010 seemed a million years away. moving it up to september of this year seemed like nothing. now it's january and um, i have a lot to do. D and i are having a lot of discussions about what we want, how we want to do it, and i think part of the reason people get married is so they can figure out how to orchestrate a massive party with a whole lot of family members, and not go crazy or kill each other. this is a like a test, right? we learn how to compromise, i try not to pout too hard when D insists that i might not really need a $400 pair of fire-engine red fluevog boots, and he tries not to throttle me when i tell him that i think we should have someone other than ourselves cater the reception meal. yes, those boots would look fucking amazing on me, and yes, it does feel great to make a meal for your family that shows them how much you love them, but $400 is a lot of money, and i would actually like to hang out with my new husband at the reception, and not sling barbeque.

the cold medicine is kicking back in. there goes what little lucidity i had left, i think it's time to crawl back into bed. happy first week of the new year, and i hope so far your 2010 is going swimmingly!