more examples of how i'm awful

today was one of those days where i'm pretty sure i was kind of a dick.  looking back on it now, i think "yeah, that was kind of a jerkface thing to do, but i can see why i did it."  i'm not sure that makes me any less of an asshole, though.  i leave it to you to decide.

on my break at work, i was getting my bagel schmeared, looking at TMZ (truly the devil's website), when over the cubicle wall i hear someone answer their cell phone.  two seconds later, it's a sob-fest over there.  lots of  "why?" and "how?" "he can't be," and "this can't be happening."  it takes two seconds of overheard conversation to piece together that someone is dead.  she gets off the phone, and breaks down at her desk.

at this point, i'm trying to look interested in anything but what's going on.  i figure in a few moments she'll compose herself, head to the bathroom, or go find her supervisor and go home.  it's unpleasant, i admit.  i dislike hearing or seeing people cry. i am uncomfortable with any emotion but ha-ha or "i hate mondays" in the workplace, and sarcasm is as close as i get to honest emoting while at work.  the one time i felt like i might cry at work, i gave myself a good pinch on the leg, sucked it up, and went to the bathroom.

five minutes go by.  still a sobfest next door.  ten minutes.  fifteen.  eighteen.  there is sobbing, there is can't-catch-my-breath wheezing, there is a general gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes on the other side of my particle-board divide.  no amount of acoustic tile could dampen the sound coming from over there.  i can hear people gathered around now, murmuring things, but no one is doing anything.  this sounds callous, but being able to pay attention to people over the phone, and being able to hear them, is kind of a huge part of our jobs.  we are expected to only take emergency calls from our cell phones at our desks, and if we are upset, we are asked to go some where quiet and private.  thinking that this is grief gone off the rails, i let some time pass before thinking, "someone has to get her away from her desk." 

at this point, my break is over, so i pick up my travel pack of tissues, walk over there, hand them to her and say, "okay, it's time to go now."  not in an overtly eye-rolling, get out of here way, i gave a good back rub and said, "this is too hard for you to deal with at work, let's get you out of here sweetie, someplace quiet, and you can get yourself together before you go."  i offer to take her downstairs, to the lunch room, or to a conference room, or the bathroom.  i tell her i'll let her supervisor know, but right now she needs to go.  i ask if he's still at the hospital, and if so which one.  will he be there when she gets there? does she want to go see him?  i'm just about to tell her that it feels good to see your loved one, even in death, when she gives me a funny look.  "well, he's at the doctor's.  it's my dog." 

it was her dog.  all this time, i'm imaging a lost granddad, maybe uncle, friend or father.  she was crying like that for a dog.  i'm serious when i say the only time i've ever reached that level of "oh god why?" weeping was when my dad died, and i did that at home.  i walk her toward the door when she sees a friend of hers and she veers off course quickly and says, "i need you to hug me, don't ask why," and i think, "yeah, this is about right."  i let her go, go back to my desk, and log back into my phone.

i'm not saying that losing a dog or cat or any pet isn't traumatic.  i happen to know where all my pets are, save LuLu, thanks to the magic of veterinary cremation.  i spent all day in bed when Cuddles died, crying into the fur of my roommate's yellow lab, Maggie.  i know that when pets pass, it's terrible.  at the same time, i can't begin to tell you how cheated and annoyed i felt when she told me her dog had died before he'd had a chance to have a tumor in his chest removed.  for a moment i thought she had lost someone the way i had, that of course she didn't think to go to the bathroom or into the hall and get herself together, that she was blindsided by death.

she kept saying, "i'm not ready for this, i'm not ready," and all i could think was, "no shit."

hardy har har

this will come to a surprise to exactly no one, but i don't like talking about money.  moreover, i especially dislike money talk with D.  i don't know, i'm weirdly private about that, even though i pee with the door slightly ajar pretty much all the time.  i like to think i'm all footloose and not tied down by conventional mores and all that jazz, but sometimes i act like a positively shocked victorian housewife at the mention of bank accounts.  you'd think i'd seen an ankle, for shit's sake.

i don't know where this attitude came from, but i have begun to realize this: i sometimes spend money i don't have, so that i won't feel as though i'm inconvenience anyone.  instead of saying, "hey, i just paid my student loans, i can't buy , so it's rice and beans for dinner," i just immediately try figuring out a way to juggle things so they'll work.  i always figure i'll work it out later, and guess what? i rarely come up with a good idea.  it leads to weird and uncomfortable talks, and this year i'd like to get things together.  keeping track of shit by actually balancing my checkbook tends to help, although honestly, if i forget a week that's all it takes to fuck it all up again.  

tonight i actually said out loud to D, "i'm just really uncomfortable talking money with you."  he said, and i quote, "yes, i know."  how is it that i just came to that conclusion?! i did come up with a plan to help get everything sorted out, though, and am feeling pleased about that.  it's not a permanent fix, by any means, but it will help get me to a place where i can stop with all the worrying about it and actually do something.   it's also not like our finances are totally, thoroughly, ridiculously fucked or anything, but there have a been a few big-ticket items that need to be taken care of, like getting the truck fixed so i can quit with the carpooling.  i hate paying someone to drive me to work who is always late or sick or whatever.  if i'm going to be late, i want it to be my fault, dammit.

this really just happened

the boychik and i are going to emerald city comicon this year!  we've wanted to go for a while, and this year i finally bit the bullet and bought tickets.  it's something i talked about with D before i did, so he would know that in january i would be spending money on that.  last friday, i bought the tickets.  i told D and he asked if i booked the hotel room too.  i said, no, i was going to do it later.  he actually said, "you should do that now, because all the hotels are going to get booked up."  so today i found a hotel about a mile away from the convention center, for only $100 a night, so i booked our room.  the conversation that followed tonight in the car went as followed:

me: i booked our hotel room today!  it had an indoor pool, and was only $99 a night. 
him: oh yeah?
me: yeah, i figured you were right i should do it sooner rather than later.
him: or you could pay me back for your half of the new computer.

SERIOUSLY?  i pointed out the conversation we had last friday, and his response was "huh, yeah."  AAARGH. 

in any case, we're going to comicon!!!  D will have to wait for my half of the computer money until next payday.  this post should make up for yesterday's extra-schmoopy one.   

love letter lists

i've been with my husband for four years now.  i know that's not a long time, by any stretch of the imagination, although it is the longest i've been with anyone.  i think anyone in any kind of long-term relationship, who made a deal in front of their whole family to stick it out until death, worries about getting bored, or worse.  all relationships have their ups and down, their crazy face smashing, tonsil hockey moments, the terminally annoyed stretches, and the whatever times.  i might be feeling a bit more romantic than usual lately because i got to spend some alone time wiht my husband for the first time in a long time this weekend.  24 hours of just the two of us!  here's my list of the things that made me happy about that:

• we both want to make a secret door to somewhere in our house. 
• he picked up a subscription to instructables!
• we were watching a movie and did the same laughing bark of "ha!" at the same time.
• he brought me home a big bag of quinoa, even though it's not his favorite thing to eat.
• afternoon delight. yeah, i said it!
• garden planning, and spending time together going through seed catalogs. 

i don't think the importance of spending a little alone time with your partner, just hanging out and talking, can ever be over-estimated.  more than anything, it feels good, and i think that's reason enough to pencil some in sometimes. 

bits and bobs about phones and dreams

for years and years and years i have made my living with phones.  i have answered them, and i have done telephone surveys, and i have sold them.  in real life, the phone and i are not best friends.  it's sort of a necessary evil to me, you know?  the invention of texting was like a godsend.  all of this means that when i have dreams that especially bother me, phones are somehow involved.

take the night before last.  i kept getting all these calls from the kid's bio-mom.  i was dodging them, making her leave messages, and then deleting them without even listening to them (have you done that in real life? it's like one of the best feelings ever, on par with finally getting to a bathroom when you've been driving for a long time with a full bladder).  when we finally did get on the phone together, she yelled at me for all the terrible ways i was raising the girlchild.  she was irate and spent a lot of time yelling at me about how awful i was, and what i terrible job i was doing.  hooray, for parental anxiety dreams!

then last night i had a dream about my dad.  normally i love those dreams, because most of the time they consist of the two of us talking about random stuff and him giving me some sort of advice.  granted, a lot of the time the advice is nonsensical, like "make sure to water the plants with juice," but i like talking to him.  in last night's somnabulist theater, he wasn't dead, but had merely left my mother and family to run off with some hot, young, latina woman.  i only saw the back of her, but she had great hair.  i kept trying to call him and only got his voicemail.  the messages i left him became progressively angrier and more upset.  i was so sad and just wanted him to tell my why he'd left us.  i was also upset that he hadn't called me on my birthday.  at some point i ended up in an abandoned castle, with a glow in the dark dog keeping watch as i slept.  because, you know, dream logic. 

resolutions: are we going to make them? any ideas?

new year ahoy!

truth be told, 2012 was pretty hunky dory.  we're ending it on a high note, as well; december was wonderful, we all had a good christmas, and we're looking forward to a new year's eve at home. 

as usual, the plan is nibbles, followed by lounging.  this year in addition to all the little bites i make, i'd like to include some traditional good luck foods.  long noodles, for long life, little dumplings shaped like purses, for good fortune, a galette des roi, maybe even some hoppin john.  new year's eve is the first holiday i ever spent with my little family, so while i've always been fond of it, i'm kind of crazy about it now.  i like planning out the meal, i like that we stay home, it's a goofy, no-pressure holiday for us. 

christmas this year was pretty amazing.  D and i bought a new computer, and the screen is huge, it has a ridiculous amount of memory, and it's not in the living room, which is nice.  i need to clean up my laptop and maybe get a new operating system for it so we can use it for the next few years as well.  then! for our christmas present, the boychik got us a new tv and blue ray player! the amazing thing about that, besides the awesomeness of having a kid who buys electronics, is that because of his discount at work (best buy) and the fact that both were "open boxes" he got it all for under $100.  the blue ray player is also wireless, so in addition to being able to watch new, fancy, hi-def movies, we can stream netflix right on the tv. 

it's been so long since we've been able to cozy on the couch and watch a movie or tv show.  i had no idea how much i missed it!  the days after christmas found us all relaxing, watching dvds we'd gotten as presents, and lots and lots of tv shows on netflix.  it was a very thoughtful gift, and i can understand now why he was so excited to give it to us.  what a boy! 

this weekend i might try to clean up the holiday debris and do something crafty.  i might just also watch a lot of tv and drink tons of coffee.  we'll see!

four years

i meant to write this post yesterday, because four years ago yesterday, i had what would end up being the best, and last, date of my life.

i know, i know, i'm ridiculous, but seriously, the date i had with D four years ago was awesome.  he made chili verde, we drank wine, we both wore stripey shirts, and we made out in the kitchen.  don't try to argue with the math with that.  wine + porky goodness + kissing in the kitchen = grow up and get married. true story.

today, four years ago, i met my kids.  they sat on one couch while D and i sat on another, and they played their DS's and gave us sidelong glances, and there was a lot of giggling and happy times. i had literally thought for all of five minutes about being step-parent before that, and while i was not sure i could do it, i knew that day how much i liked them, and that if i already felt that way, then we'd probably be okay.

meeting them right before the holidays was a good thing. i remember that first christmas, after i'd met them, and mom making fun of me because my chin was all pink from making out (!), and making furtive calls outside to tell him how much i missed him, and how much fun we had on new year's eve.  to me, my beginning of my family will always be tied up in happy holiday memories, with us goofing in the kitchen and buying each other presents and having that doofy, newly in love feeling.  shy and happy and spending a lot of time together.  i never forget how lucky i am, how happy i am, how at home i feel with these three amazing people who made me part of their family.  

ouch!

i just burnt my hand on a pan of cookies.  it was worth it, they are delicious cookies, and all i want to do on my four days off of work is bake and drink beers and listen to xmas music.  for real.  i'm living the dream!

currently in the oven are my chocolate cookies with cinnamon, white chips and dried cherries.  awaiting oven time, gingerbread cupcakes.  they smell so good already, unbaked, that i can hardly wait to put them in the damn oven. 

is it weird

that i am super duper extra excited that my nephew got an email address?  he sent me a note today with a million emoticons and i almost died it was so cute.  of course, i wrote him right back. 

then i made another mushroom ornament, only with this years felting technique. 

when i'm old and die and the kids go through my ornaments (and other stuff) will they be like, "jesus, amanda, what's with all the tentacles, skulls and shrooms? why was our xmas tree always so weird?"  wherever i go after this, i'm pretty sure i'll chuckle at that.  i hope they argue over who gets the gloomy bear. 

big booty squirrel

this squirrel is both the color and shape of nicki minaj, therefore, it is the Minaj Squirrel.  because it is made of felted wool, it's already 500% smarter than the original nicki minaj, making it the perfect ornament for our xmas tree. 

tried needle felting with my friend anne this weekend.  i had this idea that it was going to be the easiest thing on earth, and then when it took EFFORT to do it right, i got fussy.  i forget to act my age sometimes.  anne was very patient with me, and i worked on it until it looked right, and then i felt like a genius.  it's not even like it's a very hard thing to do, but it does take practice and patience and sometimes that's hard for me.  now that i can make thing that don't look totally ridiculous, though, i love it.  hooray for another craft!

martha stewart conspired to make my weekend with anne a disaster, but she failed.  yes, the candy we made following her terrible instructions turned out too hard, but it was still delicious and we still got to use a candy thermometer.  yes, her felt ornaments needed a lot of stuff we actually couldn't find, but we improvised and our ornaments are cuter.  plus, friendship always grows when you spend time together complaining about martha stewart screwing you.

broke out a whole lot of xmas CDs tonight, much to the girlchild's delight.  she said, "oh, you have so many xmas CDs," and i told her i have like a drop in the bucket compared to my mom.  she seemed even more pleased by that.  what are you doing to get ready for the holiday?

NO!

the world is a messed up place when your stepson says to you, "make sure you drink a glass of water before bed" because you might have had some beers while re-watching american horror story season one. 

MESSED UP.  i'm a grown up! i'll drink a glass of water when i wanna! (but he's right, dammit.)

happy thanksgiving!

this morning, i am thankful for my husband making me breakfast, as well as a big cup of coffee. i'm thankful for my two amazing stepkids, still in bed, because we all stayed up way too late last night. i'm thankful for my friends and family, and the new babies that showed up this year and the ones on their way.  i'm thankful for my job, and yarn, and cartoons on the internet, and my new birthday boots.  i'm thankful for handwritten letters and hugs and family high fives.  i miss my cat and dad and uncle all terribly, but i'm thankful that i got to spend time with them and know them.  i'm thankful for what i have and for what i've had and for what's to come.  i'm wishing all of you a wonderful day full of delicious nibbles and political arguments with relatives and parade floats and maybe a glass of wine to two to help the day along!  

aubergine

i've done nothing tonight but roast a shit load of eggplants.  by that, i mean FIVE.  my mom really likes D's baba ganoush, and so that is what we are contributing to thanksgiving.  are any of us middle eastern? no.  why this has become my husband's go-to dish as far as my mother is concerned, i do not know.  he has to work tomorrow, though, and he insists on making the pitas from scratch, so i thought the least i could do it get the eggplants all roasted and skinned.  after all, that's about all i plan on doing.  not because i don't want to, but because when D gets in that kitchen and gets to work, sometimes it's best to stay out of his way.  also, according to him, i never add enough lemon juice. 

i also mention this every time, but it goes without saying, when we make ganoush, we make mighty boosh jokes.  "the ganoush is loose and it's a little bit raw!"  dorks.

i'm also busy working on our holiday cards.  a few years ago i got this awesome stencil kit from my portland friends, and once again, i'm putting it to use.  this time it's a kraft paper card, and navy blue buck on it, with a silvery-gold buck staggered on top.  the effect is weirdly 3D, modern and not too holiday specific.  i know, we celebrate christmas, everyone we know celebrates christmas, why not making a fucking christmas card?  because i am a jerk. also, i think the whole happy holiday spirit is one i'd much rather invoke than religion-specific sentiment.  what's important about the holiday to me is this: my loved ones knowing that i love them, that i'm thinking about them, that i hope we all make it through another dark winter happy and healthy, and let's get together and have a tasty bite sometime.  to that end, i send out ridiculous cards that people either love or feel completely ambivalent about.  hooray!

return from medical mountain

my doctor's appointment went well this morning.  she did recommend i go back to get some old fashioned talk therapy from a shrink, and i agreed,  it's been years since i've been to one, i'm sure i'm overdue for a tune-up of the mental variety.  i also had a few health issues that i was busy turning into cancer, which she nicely pointed out were NOT cancer and prescribed some medication to make the itchy parts of me less itchy. 

short work week thanks to thanksgiving, which we are spending at my mom's house this year.  well, most of us are.  the boychik has to work, which is unfortunate, but at 18 he's going to be annoyed if he has to go to big family dinner with us, or annoyed if he has to work, so he may as well get paid.  the only non-annoying thanksgiving i can think of for him right now involves his computer, a large pizza all to himself, and a house with no one in it.  he would have a lot to be thankful for if that were his thanksgiving. 

we're getting deluged out here, and this morning when my husband dropped me off at work i asked for clam chowder for dinner.  how much do i love that i have a partner i can ask that of? and not only that, he makes good chowder.  and when i say it "chow-dah" he only rolls his eyes a little.  hooray! maybe i'll have a midnight bowl of it and go back to bed.  you may have noticed, this post comes to you from the other side of 2 am.  my sleep schedule is undergoing some renovations. 

little black submarines

for quite a while now i've thought i didn't like the black keys.  i'm not sure why; so many of my friends have recommended them to me, and i was like, "yeah, i guess."  this last week, though, i realized how much i loved them, and have been torturing my family with loud late night sing-alongs.  needless to say, we all know all the words now. 

in other news, i think i'm hitting my winter blues early this year.  i have an actual doctor's appointment tomorrow, because no matter how many vitamins i take, how much sleep i get, how much i try to not just lie in bed listening to songs over and over again, i find myself in the same old funk.  i seem to have two speeds, sleepy or nervous.  neither is doing me any good. 

my cat has been gone for about three weeks now, too.  i don't think she's coming home.  i keep having dreams about her, and keep thinking i hear her right outside my window, but no luck.  i miss my lulu. 

such a bummer post!  normally i love fall, and this early holiday season.  that's one reason i know something in my chemistry is off.  after seeing the doctor, i think i'm also going to try to find a nice new shrink who will listen to me and say things like, "and how does that make you feel?" we all know i just want prince valium to come to the rescue, but that might not be the best idea i've ever had!

i am welfare

hi, i'm going to get a little political and personal on here.  if you are sick of hearing about elections and politics and issues, you are more than happy to go look at kittens.  may i suggest lil bub?! she is the sweetest little mutant in the whole wide world and i love her. 

what bummed me out the most about this election was how nasty everyone seemed to get.  i'm the first to admit i have pretty pinko, lefty tendencies, vote democratic most of the time (when i'm not voting green like the hippie i am), but some of the rhetoric coming from the vocal right seemed downright cruel.  i can't tell you how much it saddens me to read endless facebook posts and blog entries about how people who vote for obama want handouts, how people on welfare are fleecing the system, how government shouldn't in any way step in and help out women, children and families.   when did it become a bad thing to extend some compassion towards those with less? when did it make us evil, lazy and socialist?

personally, i have benefited from public assistance.  more than once in my life, a government or social agency stepped in to help me out when i needed it.  as a child, i had some dental issues that my dad's insurance didn't cover, and he and my mom couldn't afford.  thanks to a deal the tribe i belong to and a local tribe made, i was able to get the dental work i needed on a nearby reservation.  i got student loans in college, as well as money for work study.  both of those are government programs.  while in college, i used the local food pantry once or twice when what i made in part time jobs didn't cover my ramen bills. did i sometimes spend student loan or work study money on beer and going out? sure.  i was young and made poor decisions, like everyone else i know.  was i actively trying to steal money from any government agency? no.  after college, as a young woman working and living on her own, i enrolled in a program through planned parenthood, where government money and donations helped with the cost of my birth control. 

people like me, who use the system at times when they need it, for whatever reason, make up the majority of those helped by social and government assistance programs.  flavor flav taking a limo and all his kids to pick up various welfare checks is an image that too many people cling to; that those who use welfare are "not us," are different, are morally and socially lacking in some way.  in reality, i am the face of welfare.  probably more people than you know are, too.  i know my kids benefited from health care services their mom and my husband received, and i'm grateful for that.  my father and his family got government assistance.  not for long, and not with the intent of not working.  i think if more people were outspoken about this, maybe we could reduce some of the stigma and negativity surrounding discussions of welfare and government's role in assisting those with less. 

you can tell a lot about a country, a tribe, a community, a group, by how they treat those who have the least.  if that's the case, then what does that say about you? your government? your political party? 

my favorite halloween costume

a few years ago, when i was working at the grocery store and dating a certain man who lived on the ocean, i went to work as a bearded lady. 

it was a silly costume; not even a full beard but more of pretty goatee with braids, some fake tattoos, and a tiara.  i won a $15 gift card for 2nd place, and was feeling pretty good about myself.

what makes that costume so special though, is this: while the guy i was dating thought the costume was so-so, and didn't get why i thought it was so rad, the man i would end up marrying and his kids came into work that day and were the only people who laughed with me and told me how great my outfit was.  i remember seeing them walk in the front doors, turn toward the deli, and instantly light up with grins.  it sounds so insane, but they looked so happy to see me, so pleased, and i felt so glad that they got the joke. 

D and i would go out on our first date over a year after that day, but that still remains my favorite halloween costume.  the moral of my story is, even if you don't realize it, you might just run into your family in the strangest place, and have a funny story for later.

always the bad guy

the hard thing about having a kid in school that isn't doing well, regardless of how smart or dumb they are, or how unfair the teachers are, or whatever, is this: you end up spending a lot of time being the bad guy.  taking away fun toys, cutting off access the internet/tv/video games, having serious talks basically to yourself because no way is a teenager going to talk to you about what is bothering them, and conferring with your partner about "what should be done."  it is such a fucking drag.  it's like the terrible parts of being in school with none of the fun note passing and gossiping in the bathrooms. 

i distinctly remember being a difficult student, and not understanding why my parents were so frustrated and irate.  they were my grades, what's the big whoop?  which is why when your parents give you that smirk and say, "just wait," you'll recall it later and think, "well, shit."  because they were right. 

hello fall!

seriously, i love this time of year.  the days get a bit crisper around the edges, scarves come out of hiding, you can buy new black cardigans everywhere... fall is my favorite time of year.  i've already had two pumpkin spice lattes, and bought one very bright orange glitter skull. 

today is the skagit valley family farm festival (it was yesterday too!), and we're going to hit a few farms with some friends.  usually we do it all two days, and make it to almost all the farms, but this year we decided to not do as much.  partly because we're down to one car, and partly because yesterday i had a wicked hangover and wanted to go nowhere except back to bed.  this morning i actually got up a reasonable time, am almost done with my first cup of coffee, and am ready to go out and see some pumpkins and corn mazes!

what time is it?

it's motherfucking soapbox time!

i'm sorry, i can't help it.  sometimes when i get all riled up, the motherfuckers just come out of my face without my realizing it.  ahem.

let me tell you something serious: i have never had an abortion.  true story.  so far as i know it, all 35 years of my life my uterus has been embryo free.  if i was ever pregnant, at any time, i didn't know it.

do you know how i managed such a daring feat? was it abstinence? no.  i'm sorry to burst your bubble, but i was not a virgin when i married.  wait, i'm not sorry to burst your bubble.  i was a happy, sexually active adult for about 16 years before i married my husband.  you know why i never got pregnant? i was armed, at an early age, with a working knowledge of my body as well as birth control methods.  it's literally that simple.

when women don't feel guilty about being sexual being, when they are armed with knowledge, they make better decisions for themselves.  they take care of themselves.  this might mean making babies, it might not.  regardless of that, i'm not less of a woman because no child came from my uterus, not less of a woman because i didn't "save" myself for marriage, not any less of  a PERSON because i think my body is mine and i deserve access to health care. 

so yeah, i never had an abortion.  i know a lot of women who have, though, women that i love and would full on getting into a knife-fight for. whatever their reason (or reasons) for terminating a pregnancy, it was theirs.  not yours, not mine, not anyone else's.  let's trust them to be kind to themselves, to be true to what they believe, to make the very best decisions they can.  if you think they're old enough to be a parent, let's trust them to do what they think is best for their bodies and families and lives.  any reproductive decision is hard to make without the GOP and Jesus all up in our uterus.  don't believe in abortion? don't have one. 

look, i just solved the abortion debate. i did it while tipsy and angry too!