sweetie darlings...

happy new year! i have a post in the works, kind of an end of the year recap and such, but right now i have more pressing issues at hand. a new panini press grilling delicious sandwiches, weirdo rum for piña coladas, kids and movies and microwave popcorn, and waiting up for the fiancé. kisses and party poppers will appear at midnight and this year will finally, seriously, be over. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and in the end it was a pretty big year for me. dear 2009, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

new year's resolutions

OR: things i would like to do this year but probably won't.

1. learn how to knit intarsia, or fair isle, or any other sort of picture/multiple color knitting. i like cables, i like lacey things, but i'm ready to learn something new. (i still detest using charts, however. i don't know if that will change this year.)
2. learn how to make a homemade, epic, sourdough bread. seriously sour, too, not like some of the wimpy stuff you get in stores.
   
3. go back to blogging more often. i've been trying to do something small every day, but i think making it an actual, "i said it out loud" sort of thing will help.
4. get new glasses. and the pre-requisite eye exam to accompany them.
5. the cyst/tumor/mean pea in my hand has got to go. honestly. i'll have someone help me take a photo; the thing's gotten fucking huge and now part of my hand down to my wrist likes to go numb or burn. not cool.
   

right now that's all i've got on my list. i know making resolutions is a bit pointless, but i find it kind of fun to actually stop for a bit and think about stuff i'd like to do. make a bit of a plan, if you will. maybe i'll make an actual pen and paper list and hang it up someplace where i have to see it on a regular basis. i really would like to get better at knitting; it's one of the things that i used this year to deal with stress/anxiety that didn't a) leave me hungover or b) involve sugar.

Caleb's hobo mittens

i made caleb a pair of basic arm warmer/fingerless gloves for xmas! just in case you'd like to make some, here is the pattern i came up with.

Hobo mitts

i used cascade 220 superwash; one skein will make a pair of these easily, with a bit left over. the stripes i made with knit picks swish dk in coal. i used size 4 double pointed needles.

to start, CO 48 stitches in your main color; 14 on needle 1, 20 on needle 2, 14 on 3. join, making sure not to twist stitches (you know that, i know).

Rows 1-9: k1, p1 ribbing.
Row 10: knit all.

First stripe is four rows:
Row 1: knit
Row 2: k 12, k2tog, k20, ssk, k 12. (46 stitches)
Row 3: knit all
Row 4: k 11, k2tog, k20, ssk, k11. (44 stitches)

Switch back to green for three rows
Row 1: knit
Row 2: k10, k2tog, k20, ssk, k10 (42 stitches)
Row 3: knit

Next black stripe, K 2 rows.

Next green stripe, K 3 rows.

Last black stripe, K 1 row.

Continue knitting with main color (green) until piece is 7 1/2 inches from cuff.

Make thumb holes! For R glove, make a 7 stitch buttonhole on the first needle, for the L glove, make it on the third needle.

Knit another 3/4 of an inch to a whole inch (depending on how long your fingers are).

Make cuff; 10 rows of k1 p1, then bind off loosely.

Weave all your ends in (if you have them), and you're done!

merry xmas kids!

we had a great day! my mom got me an awesome video camera, dave and the kids got me a new camera (!!!) and we had a fantastic day of lounging, eating, being with friends and family, with a tiny nap tucked into the middle.

all of the gifts i got were amazing, but one was so special it made me cry like a baby. to be honest, i opened it last night because i was pretty sure that would be my reaction. amidst all the packages mom sent home with us, one had a tag on it to me from dad. it was an old school navy family gram; a video that wives and families were sent when their husbands/boyfriends/sons went on cruise (this was before women were allowed on the boat!), transferred from the original vhs to dvd. it from 1986, and was different from most because that was one year the guys were on cruise through christmas, so it had a christmas theme and was a little more sappy than most. the guys all had a chance to send a little message to their people, there was a little song they made up (it was the 12 days of xmas, but altered to include the boat and their life on it), and tours of where they worked, what they were doing, etc. we didn't have a video camera growing up, and my dad was notoriously camera shy when one showed up, so to see him talking to us, young and handsome and the way i remember him, just killed me. it's an understatement to say i was so glad to just hear his voice, but then he made an inside joke just for mom and that was when i lost it. in a good way, i mean, if that's at all possible. it was amazing to see him, to hear him, to show dave and the kids the dad i remember.

so i guess you could say this holiday season has been more than a little bittersweet, but as much as i miss my dad (and honestly, i miss him a lot), when i looked around today and saw all the people that i have that i love, all the happy faces and thoughtful gifts, the delicious food and mess to be cleaned up tomorrow, it was more sweet than bitter. i hope you had a great day, got to hug your loved ones or talk to them, and go to bed tonight full of tasty treats. merry christmas!

shhhh!

the last time i went to the library, there was an elderly man in the audio book section, reading EVERY SINGLE new release out loud, out very loud, and repeatedly, into a cell phone to some one who obviously wasn't at the library. it was very distracting, very annoying, and i thought he really should have known better.

remember when libraries were quiet and fun to hang out and read in? i don't mind some chit chat or kids being kids in the kid section, but this seemed extraordinarily rude to me. if i had been doing the same thing, i'm sure he would have shook his cane at me and made a face.

public service announcement

oh come on. how you can not give five bucks to this man? comics are awesome, box brown makes delightful comics (i am a big fan of bellen! i probably send one or two of his strips to my boy every week.), and i'm thinking maybe if we get some money from grandma or aunt sue for xmas we should send box some.

oh the weather outside is frightful

except, it's not really that bad. we got a bit of snow, it stopped and then got icy, and now we have that horrible patchy mess left behind when snow loses it's nerve. the kids had a late start in school, D is having a late start as well (still in bed!), and i'm drinking coffee and finishing up my xmas shopping. oh internets, what did we do before you? going into a store and buying things from surly cashiers seems so primitive to me now. perusing various websites with a list, snug in my slippers, is worth all the shipping and handling i might have to pay. i'm going to eat some cookies for breakfast and maybe take a bath, and start getting things wrapped up.

things i maybe should have been in another life:

• librarian. i know it's cliche, but i honestly love my glasses and cardigan sweaters; sesible mary jane heels and hair in a bun. i also love research projects, organizing stuff that isn't my own, talking about books, learning random things, and being surrounded by people doing the same. embarassingly enough, i also enjoy working with people and helping them find what they need.
  
• a baker. bakers either work early in the morning or real late at night, depending on how you look at stuff. lately i can't get enough of baking. especially ridiculous, time consuming things. the weighing of ingredients, setting everything out and getting ready, yeasty delicious smells, and making the simplest things (eggs, flour, water, butter, sugar and time) become amazing treats. the alchemy of turning flour, salt, yeast and water into a loaf of crunchy bread good for sandwiches, or smeared with butter and jam, or topped with cheese and floated in soup, simply flabbergasts me every damn time. what i think of as "real" baking, pie crusts and flaky doughs and yeast breads, used to scare the bejesus out of me, but what i've learned lately is this: even a fucked up looking loaf of bread will make a sandwich and probably taste pretty good doing it. amazing! there is also a fair amount of working alone that i dig.
  
• receptionista. oh sure, i was one before, i know, but i was good at it. i have moments when i miss it, don't tell my mom.
  

oh, internets

caught up on my flickr today. you know, i used to flickr all the time. i was always taking pictures and looking at other people's pictures, and seeing new things that made me excited to cook or make or draw something, but then i guess i got overwhelmed by all the stuff on there and i took a break. i logged in today and saw all manner of amazing, and was glad i took a short break because i think i can appreciate the flickr again.

teratoma thursday

embarassing fact: i have a single, solitary hair that grows out of my neck, horizontally. it looks and feels just like an eyelash. i keep it plucked, but every time i take my tweezers to it, i wonder if i'm removing the part of my embryonic twin that lives on in a random, errant eyelash.

stop shouting!

i fell asleep on the couch last night, and woke up at about 1:30 this morning to a woman on the tv shouting. i remember waking up with a start and thinking, "ah! stop shouting at me!" and then realizing she was a televangilist and was yelling about jesus. i got up and went to bed.

shhhh...

everyone is away; D at work, the kids at their grandparent's house, decorating the tree. i have the whole house to myself, and a pot of coffee and podcasts to enjoy! it's delightful. it's so rare to get an afternoon to myself; part of me feels like i should be cleaning and cooking, part of me just wants to goof around. regardless of the guilt i feel, the goofing is totally winning. i have some stuff to knit, a cat curled up in my lap, and at least a few more hours all to myself. whoo!

things about thanksgiving that were awesome

• when i told maggie i brought her friend M, she looked up at me and said, "oh, thank you!" after that she pretty much followed her around her all day long, being sweet.
  
• my mom agreed to come to D's family thanksgiving on sunday! i was honestly not expecting that. she'll get to meet her future in-laws and i will get to prove i wasn't raised by wolves. win win!
• the bulldog won the non-sporting group at the national dog show!
  
• the kid's and D waved at santa with me at the end of the macy's parade. i know it's terribly hokey, but in my family you have to wave at santa at the end of the parade or else you can count on a horrible holiday season. we are strangely supersitious about that sort of thing.
• the kid's watched the parade with me! they've never done that before. i'm sure parts of it they didn't dig, but they indulged me.
  
• getting new books to read from mom's collection. that's one thing i love about going home, going through the book pile for new things to read.
• AND at D's family celebration, there were EIGHT kinds of pie. eight! dear diary, i love pie.
  

holiday highs and lows

as one can imagine, i am kind of dreading the holiday season, as well as looking forward to it. the fucked up part of all that is how literally one moment i'm excited about cooking stuff and seeing my family and having drinks and delicious nibbles, and the next i'm weeping and worried about how the hell we're going to have thanksgiving without pop. as for christmas, well, i can't even begin to consider how we're going to handle that. i figure i'll start with this holiday and then see how it goes. maybe once you get one under your belt the next is easier? maybe i'll know how much booze to stock up on (or to avoid)? perhaps santa will put some valium in my stocking? i just don't know. happy times just seem extra bittersweet now, which is the best way to explain how i'm feeling. i don't expect to make it through the next few days without some tears, but hopefully i can make it to a quiet corner or bathroom in time, and hopefully i won't bum anyone out.

the way i see it, if it all crashes and burns and i start to fail at all this holiday stuff, then i will just go all scrooge/grinch on everyone's ass and that will be it. i'm so glad pop culture has created and archtype just for me! (sarcasm, of course. a little.)

edited to add:
i called my mom tonight, and had a tiny, itsy-bitsy freak out on her. hearing that i'm not the only one feeling this way, while i knew that in the rational part of my brain, made all the difference. i'll probably still be more emotional than i'd like for the rest of the week, but i'm not nearly as anxious as i was before i called. i had some time, i did some cooking, i had a good talk with mom and my man, and i feel ready to handle the holiday. or rather, more ready. i'll still miss my pop, and have a moment or two of melancholy (or five or six) but i'm a lot less worried about ruining the holiday or freaking anyone out. this holiday will be different, of course, but i'll still be with my family and we'll still eat crazy amounts of fowl and wave at santa at the end of the macy's parade.

parent-teacher conferences;

or one reason it's awesome being a pseudo-parent

the past few weeks i've gotten to go to both kid's parent-teacher conferences. now, we all know i think the kids are smart and funny and interesting people, (and they draw great photos, they tell the best jokes, and you should see them whip up a bowl of ramen!) but going to those conferences was great because their teachers all feel the same way. i got to bask in the accolades without actually having to earn them! i know it's ridiculous, and that D did all the hard work and heavy lifting, but i can't help but feel kind of proud when someone says, "i really enjoy having him/her in class," "as you can see, their grades are excellent" or my favorite, "whatever you're doing, keep it up!" maybe next year i'll feel like i put more time into actual parenting, instead of being mainly a sideline player and cheerleader, but then again, maybe not. the kids are fine, they were doing well before i ever entered the scene, and as far as school goes, both kids appear to enjoy it and do a wonderful job making sure their stuff gets done. whatever D's doing, he should totally keep it up (and i'll still do whatever it is i'm doing, and try to be a less-than-evil stepmother). don't think that means i won't attend the conferences, though; free cookies and coffee and a chance to hear how amazing my future step-kids are is a good time.

is it just me or does the film "the blindside" look kinda, sorta, maybe a little ridiculous? affluent, white family adopts big black kid, turns him into an awesome football player, they become a "family" and learn "valuable lessons" about each other, and we're all supposed to be heart-warmed? makes me feel funny. also, i used to totally dig sandra bullock, but she married a douchebag and has made more treacle than movies lately.

this all just makes me miss marissa tomei.

strike out!

i love library thing's early reviewer program. by signing up and writing reviews of books i read, i can angle to have books sent to me by publishers, which i then read and review on the site (or anywhere else, for that matter). for the most part, i've recieved books i've enjoyed. one or two kind of missed the mark, but nothing had been terrible until i got my latest book.

damn, it's bad. like seriously, i hate picking it up, awful. some books have clumsy beginnings, or some start out a bit confusing until you get the gist of what's going on, so when i found myself not enjoying the book right away i thought i would give it some time to get better, or to redeem itself in some way. almost 100 pages in, and i still hate it. the writing is choppy and reads like an action movie on speed (always something dramatic is happening!), there hasn't been any real plot laid out except there are three characters we're supposed to care about and that the badness is out to get them. i shit you not, my friends, it is actually referred to as "the badness" or sometimes "the Badness" in the book. i know these three characters are somehow related or connected to each other, but not how. so much time has been spent on crazy action without explantion that i don't know why anything is happening, what exactly is happening, or why i should care. the action at this point is tedious and i find myself just hoping the badness swallows everyone up so i can finish and just review the damn thing.

two hundred pages left to go, and when (or if) i do finish it, i promise to let you know what the book is called, how miserable it was reading it, and why you should steer clear of it. it's so rare that i have this reaction to a book, that i just had to share.

civic pride

we all know i love my car; while i miss my old school honda civic, the rocket, all the time, my new little civic is a nice car. (before i missed the rocket i missed my dear abby.) we get along well, she doesn't use a ton of gas, she's zippy when she needs to be, and a lovely shade of deepest plum. unlike civics of old, though, she's got all sorts of niggling little things going all wrong, all at once. my weatherstripping seems to be shot and has actually developed a leak (!), and the condensation on the windows in the morning is hellish. i actually had to buy some of those humidity suckers to hang up to make it bearable! both the passenger and driver's side automatic windows are also starting to get fussy. don't try rolling your window down if it's too cold, because it won't roll back up! they've gotten stuck a few times, and i had to gently wiggle them upward with my hand while trying to flip the switch to start the motor. i'm pretty sure if not this year, then soon, i'm going to need a new timing belt. last year i bought two new tires because of the snow and because they were too worn down, but i still have two tires that also need to be replaced. the upholstery over the rear seats is beginning to pull away from the ceiling. i starting thinking today about all the things that need to be done and felt like hyperventilating. i know i just have to work on things one at a time, and in the order of most importance, but damn! i hate to say it, but i feel like hondas were built sturdier back in the day. this is the first car i've ever had that was born after the year 2000, and it has more stupid little things wrong than all my older, trashy cars. or maybe it's just different stuff and while i'm irritated now by the dampness in my car, i do remember my youth and driving around with a flashlight because my dashboard wouldn't light up or the car whose solenoid i constantly had to tap gently or else it wouldn't start. maybe i'm just too old to find potential hazards funny like i used to. either way, i'm going to need to hunt down some weatherstripping because the rainy season has begun and i'm not so sure Moldy Carpet will go well with the Peachy Peach scent.

hey, guess what?

i had a good cry and felt better.

i also drove out to the island today to sneak my mother's birthday present into her house, along with some pretty flowers, had a lunch of mussels with my man and a nice drive. mom was crazy surprised about her present being there when she got home, and sounded honestly pleased when i talked to her tonight.

that also made me feel good. i'm going to go knit and watch the history channel with D now, and eat some goldfish crackers. okay!

maybe i'm premenstrual, maybe i'm adjusting to the fall gloom, maybe i'm just having a day, but lately i just feel so blah. sad and down around the mouth, missing my dad and the way things were before he died, wondering if i'll ever get a handle on this grief and start doing something beside stagnate ever again. i don't make anything, i could spend all day every day napping, and if it isn't salty or sweet i don't want to eat it. perhaps this irritation at the way things currently are means i'm going to shake myself out of it sooner rather than later, but honestly, right now i'm just annoyed with me and my life. i feel short tempered and then guilty about being snappish, tired and then restless. i want to go out, then i do and i hate it. i want to work when i'm at home, and when i'm at work i want to be home. i'm contrary and even i don't want to hear my bitching. i'm hoping that by just saying it out loud, writing it down, getting it out of my head might help. i know i'm wallowing in it, i know it's self-indulgent to even blog about it (but what is a blog but self-indulgence?), i just feel out of it. i really, honestly, miss my pop. i'm not trying to get sympathy, i'm not trying to milk it, it's just always there. at times more sharply than others. does it still hurt so bad because i hate crying about it and try not to? would it matter at all if i tried to cry it all out? i don't even know that's a possibility.

my relationship with my mom and sister are like entirely new creatures as well. i don't even feel like i have them to fall back on. i have this terrible feeling they don't like me any more than i do. on my birthday my sister didn't even bother calling, and my mother was annoyed with me and ended my phone call with an "okay, i'll talk to you later." never an "i love you" anymore. thanksgiving already feels like it's going to be tense and possibly unpleasant. i don't even know what they're going through, how i've offended, or if i even have; there's always the chance that our own individual griefs are just taking us in different directions. what's hard about that is i always thought i'd have them. i thought i would be able to talk to them and they would know what i was going through, i expected us to band together and face this head on together. like all things i have learned from tv, it's not what i thought it was. pop getting sick didn't mean we had deep talks about life and reconcile before he died. there were very few, if any, hallmark moments. the aftermath of his death is no different. my family isn't the same anymore. i know and understand that's normal, the rational part of my brain can do the math and see how natural this is, but it still hurts me in a way i could have never forseen.

this is all very one-sided, you know. what my mother and sister are going through are unknown to me. there's a good chance i'm so stuck in my own head, my own life, that i'm being a terrible sister and daughter. i know are there are things i could be doing to make this better, i know that not saying some of this out loud to them isn't healthy or constructive; but as much as i hurt now, i'm terrified of doing something that would permanently alter our relationship in a bad way. i don't want to risk losing them altogether, and at this point that feels like a very real possibility. it's just not a risk i'm willing to take. things aren't unbearable, things aren't great, i'm getting chubbier and sadder, but i'm not at rock bottom. for now that's going to have to cheer me up. that and andrew wk's tweets. damn, i love those things.