seriously. if you polled the three people i live with, they would tell you stories. none of them would be good. if you asked baby, she wouldn't have a problem with me at all since i represent her favorite playmate and give her candy and hugs, but everyone else is less than thrilled with me. why? because lately i am apathetic to a fault, and have taken to responding to every question or concern with "dude, it's not a big deal," or an entirely unconvincing "ok." pop is beyond annoyed with the fact that i refuse to open my mail. i know what it all says and nine times out of ten it's "hey, give us money" and money i do not have so why read that shit? it's just a downer. mom is annoyed that i don't do much cleaning and my room is an unholy mess, and my sister is annoyed that mom doesn't actually tell me this but instead dumps it all on her. in general my sister and i are getting along quite well, but she is sick to death of hearing about how awful i am all the time, while no one actually says a thing to me. of if they do, it's after telling her all about it.
really, though, i can totally understand why everyone is less than pleased with me. i'm not loving myself that much right now, and i'm sick to death of living out in the middle of nowhere with no money, the longest drive to work on earth, and people who fret about my mail. i can't stand sleeping on a couch anymore, and even i hate the unholy mess my room has become. there's no room for me here, emotionally or physically. we're all going through some stuff and i think our physical closeness is just amplifying that. if we had our own spaces, our own addresses, we'd have some perspective. i don't think it's going to fix everything (i've given up on quick fixes, i think at thirty i finally understand that they are bullshit), but i think it would help. not having to see my mess and deal with my inability to do dishes before the sink is entirely full would make me a more sympathetic figure. my nest simply doesn't belong here, and as much as i love my family and am grateful for the chance to be here with them i think it's time to move on. i should hear back about that apartment today, cross your fingers.
2 comments:
Hey, waiting until the sink is full to wash the dishes is water conservative. You're being environmentally conscious, not lazy. :)_
I'm sure as much as your physical closeness is annoying sometimes, your family loves that you're back home to share these hard times with them. I just think everybody's on edge. Hope things work out with the new place, though. :)
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