conference call o-rama!

i love conference calls, and i hate them. on one hand, i get paid to listen to stuff my boss is going to tell me anyway while drinking beer in the privacy of my own home. i can blog while conferencing! on the other hand, for some reason it's very difficult for some folks to understand how to mute their headsets, and then you have to listen to their deep breathing or their MRI machines banging and clanking like a garbage truck having a seizure.

tonight's conference call is all about the "merit increase wage freeze." meaning, for over a year now, no one's gotten a raise. now, though, we are supposed to get them back! the freeze is off! i might end up making .36 cents more an hour! i know that part sounds sarcastic, and i guess it is a little, but honestly, i'm stoked that we get raises again. i've been with my company over 18 months, and have never gotten a raise. i also missed out on health benefits for over a year because my manager kind of dropped the ball. i think if anyone deserves a raise, it's me. for one thing, i had to physically remove a lady's dentures today and we all know how much false teeth freak me out. for another, this week i had to deal with some seriously stinky socks.

in also awesome news, the other car insurance company took responsibility today, meaning my car is being taken care of. the boychild fixed my computer, which had a password no one could figure out, so i couldn't update any software or download any new stuff. then tonight for dinner i made tequila lime shrimp tacos, which were delicious. not such a bad day, if i do say so myself.

smashed cars, trivia and fish sandwiches

today i worked with my co worker's autistic daughter for a few hours this morning. i do it every saturday and monday, and it's actually been a lot of fun. while walking out of their house, though, i was greeted by a big guy in an even bigger truck, idling behind my car. the first words out of his mouth were "i guess this is your car." i thought he was irritated i was in the driveway, until i realized that my rear passenger-side lights were all over the fucking ground. there's also a great big smooshed part of my car on that side as well. it's ridiculous! it's broken! okay, it drives all right, but it is still crunched and i'm still not thrilled. this is going to be a huge pain in my ass, and to top it all off, i don't understand why this guy had to back into a space that was three spots away, and smash into my car on his way. there was so much room for him! is backing out of a spot later such a terrible ordeal that he had to back in? while he wasn't terribly apologetic, he did already file a claim with his insurance, and tomorrow i'll check in with them and see what i should do. i need to find a body shop, get an estimate, and all that jazz. because i have a car with a one piece bumper, i already know the whole thing will have to be replaced. it's a good thing his insurance pays for a rental!

which is all stuff i should have done today, but instead i took a nice long drive with D. we had a delicious fish sandwich at the trainwreck, took a drive through la conner, played 80's trivia at the corner pub in bow, where i won a free chicken dinner. we'll take them up on that at a later date! then we came home, where we watched it's always sunny in philadelphia, and now i'm getting ready to call this monday done.

give me an "L"

this summer has seen a whole lot of this going on. i've been seriously lazy when it comes to doing just about anything but lying around reading, meaning i haven't been taking my walks or doing anything seriously productive. part of me feels bad about that, part of me is reading some awesome books and could care less. this was pretty much my favorite thing to do during summer break as a kid; read, in epic amount, just about any and everything that comes my way. i've read good books, i've abandoned terrible ones, i've plowed through mediocre but entertaining ones, and brought more books home than we have room for on the shelves. (to be fair, i do also have a box of books for taking to the thrift store as well, i just haven't gotten around to taking them out!) i need to get back on track with the marathon training, both because it makes me feel better physically as well as mentally. i'm a lot perkier and sleep better, and i've noticed lately my sleep cycles being all messed up. damn you, excercise, for having positive aspects that have nothing to do with making my pants fit better! right now, though, i have a cat and book waiting for me. aaah, summer.

facsimile

if i still had my facebook account i would tell you the following about last night:

1. D made awesome bbq pork tacos last night. he thought they would be too sweet and not savory enough, but i disagree wholeheartedly.
2. the girlchild had a sleepover that for some reason involved a lot of classical music being played in her room, and the start of "let's go to the bathroom together" behavior. i was in college and drunk before i took anyone to the bathroom with me except my sister! she is so advanced.
3. i maybe had one too many home-made margaritas, but in my defense, they had no high fructose corn syrup and i had a glass of water too. don't hate!
4. while i miss the ridiculous little posts i made on facebook, for the most part, i am actually doing okay with our breakup. honestly, i'd like to make my blog funny and readable again; not just sad and weird. facebook was fun in a lot of ways, but as far as writing that isn't all about my bellybutton and lunch, it wasn't doing me any favors. plus, i got sick of being told i should be friends with D's ex. i know we have friends in common, but we shouldn't be facebook friends, trust me.
   

SMILF

this post over on Yo Mama's Blog makes me happy to be a stepmom. or i guess, a soon-to-be-stepmom. because you know, even on days when i feel overwhelmed and irritated and eye-rolly, i still love the kids. if they ever move out of the house, i know i'm going to miss the shit out of them.

oh, pekar

i was terribly sad to read about harvey pekar's death last week. many obits and tributes have been written, but i liked this one from the wall street journal.

adios, facebook!

i've done it before, and i'm not really sure why i got back together with facebook to start with, but i think facebook and i are officially done. for one thing, i am not a fan of farmville, and yet you can't be on facebook for more than a second before it encourages you to play. oh farmville, how can a game be so fucking boring and yet so popular?! i don't get it. is there a secret to playing? if you do well do they send you weed in the mail? can you make real money?

also, every year i watch the ICP infomercial for the Annual Gathering of the Juggalos, and it never fails to entertain. video below is terribly NSFW, if you couldn't guess.



you know, i would KILL to find out what a juggalo seminar entails. are there workshops about "how to get a job with a hatchetman tattoo on your neck,"or "how to not make new little juggalos, a.k.a. wrap your dick up, bitch." "how to sweet-talk a juggalette" should be a seminar if it isn't already, as should "make-up applications for inclement weather, a.k.a. how to keep the clown face from runnin'." oh, juggalos! you may not know how magnets work, but you sure do know how to make me giggle.

not-so-happy homemaker

this morning i got up early and started cleaning the house. i tried to steam clean our couch, with D's old Green Machine, but evidently it's broken. the suction works just fine, but it doesn't actually spit any water out. grrrr. spent way, way, way too much time trying to make it work. it ended up just irritating me. then i tried to clean the rest of the living room, vacuuming and asking the kids to take their things out and away to their rooms. then i took a shower, cleaned the tub, the sink and the toilet, before mopping the bathroom floor and swapping a clean bathmat for the dirty one. i was annoyed by this point, and when the girlchild walked in and said, "oh, it smells like cleaner" i snapped, "yeah, because i'm cleaning."

i feel like an jerk now, but sometimes i get so frustrated feeling like i have to cajole, bribe, or nag to get any one's help with housework. i know for a fact that before i moved in, these people did just fine without a mom-type person around. why is it now my job to keep the fucking place clean? why am i the only one who picks up a hand towel that's fallen to the floor? how did everyone forget how to sweep? i think it's time for D and i to sit down and make an honest to god chore list, so that i don't have days like today where i get sick of living in moderate filth and act like an ass while cleaning.

sometimes i really just want to run away and join the circus, because then i'd only have a tiny caravan to keep tidy, and it's a known fact that monkeys will help for mere bananas.

i accidently stretched my ears

like most women in their 30's, i have more than one earring hole in my ear. my primary piercings, which i got when i four, are stretched to a little over 1/2 inch; 9/16th of an inch, to be exact. on my left ear, the second and third piercing holes are still there and viable. i decided i wanted to try putting hoops in there, and so i put in some older silver ones.

evidently this was a mistake, since my ears revolted and got infected. i guess now they just really like the stainless surgical steel they are accustomed to.

over on my trusty ebay, i found a pair of cute, plain, small, captive bead earrings in surgical steel. i ordered a pair of 16 gauges, thinking since i've had the piercings so long, that would fit just fine. the earrings showed up yesterday afternoon and i promptly put them in. five minutes later, OUCH. not "ouch" when i tried the silver earrings, it was the familiar, red hot stinging of a stretch. i thought i was having to push a bit hard on the earrings going in because an earring hasn't been in there so long. i was wrong! it's not a terrible thing, i just think it's funny that i did it on accident. i don't think i can actually stretch both those holes; maybe one, but there just isn't room for three stretched holes in that ear. my earlobes are only so big, and valuable property is being taken up by the primary piercings.* (you know, the more i write "stretched hole" the more i realize pervs are probably stopping by. hi pervs! hit the road now, please!)

i'm going to go sit with my boyfriend now and make fun of the golf channel. there is this thing on the tv right now called the "british open." have you heard of it? i guess it is a big deal. i am going to drink rum and talk about the environmental impact of golf courses until golf either becomes funny enough for me to tolerate, or he kicks me out of the room.

*i love calling them that. it makes me think of polyamorous talk, and "primary" and "secondary" partners. although to be honest, i always thought that was kind a dick move to give someone #1 and someone #2 (or #3). i thought the whole point of poly wasn't that you loved someone else more, just differently. like you have one boyfriend who likes cartoons and one who can bench press 300 lbs. both serve their own purpose!

i got bit by a flea

i got bit by a flea.
bit by a flea.
such a dainty as me,
bit by a flea!
goddamn it,
that really sucks.

i think it might be time to bust out the chemical warfare. the cat's fleas are taking over, and our hippie remedies aren't working.

hey, i think summer is halfway over

how on earth did that happen? the good news is that we're that much closer to kids being back in school...which sounds awesome to me. not that i don't love the kids, but, i like a little more alone time and a little less time listening to them argue over what to watch next on the tv. just saying!

although if i did tell you i didn't love them and just wanted them out of my house, there wouldn't be much you could do about it, could you?! it's a good thing i'm not a monster.

we're making a piece of meat tonight on the grill/smoker that my pop and uncle would have loved. there were two men who were fond of barbequing big pieces of meat, and knew how to cook and eat it. it's nights like tonight when i miss them most. as an atheist, i don't subscribe in the belief of an afterlife, but i admit to sometimes wishing they were indeed someplace else, together and happy, still a bit twisted, like the dead from beetlejuice. if there is an afterlife (just because i don't believe doesn't mean i'm right!) i hope those two guys are enjoying some bourbon and bbq, and cracking up at earth-bound shenanigans. i also hope pop got to see spain kick some world cup ass, even i could give a shit about fútbol.

just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to love their sports. it's true that i've taken to the UFC thanks to my boyfriend, but i still hate it when he slows down on the golf channel. my god, how do you devote a whole channel to golf? i shudder to think of the men who watch it.

it's hot out, my boyfriend is hovering over the grill, and i think i might go lounge in the sun and cultivate some melanin. hopefully not a melanoma amount, but enough to get some of the pasty winter off me!

not serious enough

because i've been knitting a lot of socks lately (see above!), i've been on ravelry looking at socks and sock patterns quite a bit. i've noticed that quite a few knitters do things a bit differently than i do. for one things, many of them match the stripes on their socks up. others who use self-striping or variegated yarn do it in a way to avoid "pooling," which is when a color collects at certain spots, making a little "pool" of color in an otherwise mixed up palette. i don't do either of these things. i kind of dig when the stripes don't match, and i think of pooling as just one of those things that hand painted or variegated yarns do. trying to fight against it is time consuming and sometimes futile. i like to think that i'm expressing more of a go-with-the-flow attitude that outright laziness, but i'm sure some serious knitters out there will furrow their brow at me.

i have to admit though, that whenever i see a blog or ravelry post about pooling or striping and knitters who make themselves frog row upon row of their work because things don't "match" i always want to leave a comment along the lines of "but dude! both are the same color! just go with it, man!" if you are a serious knitter, one who matches everything on their socks up, may i suggest trying to knit a pair where you let the yarn do what it will? you might be surprised at how cute your socks end up.

evidently i am more of a hippie than i want to be, and my socks never match up unless they are knit in solid colors. which has happened one time so far, because you know how i love stripes.

ka-boom!

i'm going to go to work and ask nicely for a lung transplant. the ones i have are obviously broken. case in point: the last cold i got moved right into my lungs. that's nothing new, i get bronchitis the way lindsay lohan gets drunk. OFTEN. after two weeks of all the hacking you could stand, it went away. it's been a few weeks now, and i've felt great, but woke up this morning feeling like midgets moved into my chest and are thrash-dancing. there's a pressure on my chest like someone sitting there, every cough hurts, and what's coming up is lemon-colored (although not lemon-scented). what the hell?! i don't smoke, no one smokes inside the house, i steer clear of crack cocaine and cigars, and this week i've eatedn a bushel of salad greens. what is going on? why do my lungs hurt like this? what did i do to piss off my body this way? i went over to every hypochondriacs favorite website, webmd, and there are a million different things i might have, and a million different pills i can take to fix them. awesome! i suppose if it doesn't clear up soon, i'll have to see a doctor. boo hiss.

ugh

i was totally sleepy and tired and hungry, and lamenting how chubby i am, so of course i agreed to go to jack in the box and eat a meal that obviously didn't make me feel better about myself. i felt kind of crappy before i went, and now i feel kind of crappy in a different way. less hungry, more greasy.

it's come to my attention that i am one of those ridiculous emotional eaters. i can tell because ever since my uncle died i've gone on about two walks (one of which was seriously half-assed) and eaten three veggies. i feel bloaty and gross and part of my brain is all "get out of the house more and eat a carrot!" and part of my brain is all "no way, dude, the couch is where it's at." both have a time and a place, but to be honest, right now i am not feeling very good about myself. missing my uncle and pop isn't going to go away, no matter how many cookies i eat. true story.

i guess i just thought i'd share. i'm sure this is actually kind of normal, but i need to shake it off. maybe by saying it out loud i'll actually do something about it.

things i do not care about

but seem to be news worthy and talked about a lot right now;

• soccer. yes, i know it's played all over the world, and the world cup is a big deal, and vuvuzelas are in fact annoying horns and not vulvas from venezuela, but it's still a sport. a boring sport where hardly anyone scores. who cares.
• the newest iphone. i do indeed have a macbook; my pop bought it for my mom a few years ago, because as far as laptops go, macbooks have a good reputation. i'm sure if i had an iphone, i would be all about all the cool stuff it can do. then again, i think the apps would annoy me, and since i got rid of my cell phone over a year ago, i've never been happier. i really like not being tethered to the outside world all the time with a cell phone. we have a land line, and that is more than enough phone for me. i'm really all for everyone just giving them up, or turning the damn things off on occasion. how many times must we overhear or have the conversation, "hey, i'm at the grocery store. no, just waiting in line." ???
  
• the anniversary of mj's death. yeah, it's sad. what's sadder is what a freak/spectacle he'd become, and how everyone went from making pedo jokes one day to being all "boo hoo" the next.
  

in other news that you probably don't care about, i'm doing a big old super-late-but-what-the-hell spring cleaning. stuff has been going up on ebay and amazon, and while i am not raking in the dough, things are leaving my house and for the most part the postage is being paid. my car is also full of stuff that can't be sold online that maybe some punk-ass teenage kid will find amusing enough to buy at value village.

speaking of punk-ass teenagers, you know how for the most part i'm all "my semi-step kids are awesome"? ha ha! i was so naive! the "you're not my mom" claws have recently come out. one of them has taken it in their head to become a jerky-jerkface pretty much all the time ever since summer break began. i already want to send both back to school. one is doing all they can to push my buttons and get some sort of rise out of me, both are spending way too much time arguing about what to watch on tv, and my lovely cartoon and email lunches have been ruined. for my part, i'm just trying hard to see these new developments in a somewhat positive way. yes, i am getting an inordinate amount of grief and sass lately, and yes, it does hurt my feelings, but i guess they must be feeling comfortable with me if they're hell bent on pissing me off, right? i am also trying hard to remember that sometimes kids act like jerks for no good reason, and even they don't know why. it might not be personal. it's just been kind of hard to deal with. no one wants to hear "if i don't like you, i'll make dad dump you" or "just remember, if i want you gone, you will be." it's a shitty thing to say, and a shitty thing to hear.

spinsterhood never sounded so awesome lately. maybe now that the weather is finally warming up, the kids will get out more, and take pleasure in something other than irritating me and making a giant mess in the house. someone in the house has fallen in love with press-on fingernails, and if i pull one more off my sock, i'm setting this place on fire. just watch!

oh, and i didn't win the button maker i bid on on ebay. which is sad, because it got up to $150, and that could have been me! i just wasn't paying enough attention. i'm not cutthroat enough when it comes to auctions sometimes. oh well, i guess i'll have to try again.

i think i need to buy a button maker

i've thought about it for years, i have a nice little collection going of 1 inch pinbacks, but i have a million ideas for ones i want to make. checking out the busy beaver button blog makes me want one even more, because i could do fun stuff like a button a day.

i spent a long time cleaning up my sewing/computer room. i'm not done, but it's a lot tidier in here. i got rid of clothes i wasn't wearing and probably will never wear again, i put together a box of books for the thrift store, i put some stuff on sale on ebay and amazon, and put together a pile of magazines to list as well. it felt good to make this space a bit more useable; it had gotten so cluttered just being in here wasn't that much fun. if i can get this room, and our bedroom, up and tidy, i might reward myself with a button maker. until i get things sorted though, no new crafts! or craft supplies.

i need this tshirt

i think i'm going to have to order it this week. just look!

such a sunday

i am being terribly lazy. the only thing i've done so far today has been brush my teeth and pull my hair into a greasy ponytail. i keep thinking about showering, but i'm not thinking too hard about it. D and i went to costco, where we bought way too much, and i ate a slice of their sub-par but inexplicably delicious cheese pizza. normally i make fun of adults who like cheese pizza (i make a lot of "what?! are they five?" jokes at their expense), but for some reason i seriously enjoy costco's cheese pizza. it's weird, and i'm ashamed, but i still eat it. D is now busy grilling something porky on the smoker, and i'm working on finishing a pair of socks for the girlchild.

i've also been doing my "homework" for the weekend; watching some videos about the son-rise program. my co-worker M's oldest daughter was diagnosed as being autistic earlier this year. for a while she just had a general special needs diagnoses, but after a few visits with a pediatric neurologist, it was determined that while she's pretty functional, she does have autism. B is five, and i've already spent some time with her. i babysit her and her sisters on occasion, and D and i go over sometimes to watch games with M. to me, B is a fairly normal five year old with a few quirks. she's not potty trained, she has a hard time talking straight to you, and is very, very shy. besides that, though, she's awesome. she's a funny kid, when she becomes comfortable with you she's engaging and open, and she's obviously smart. M and his wife heard about the son-rise program, which focuses more on loving and accepting your child, and going from there to work on behavioral issues, and have spent some time going to seminars and instituting the program in their own home. at this point, they are recruiting volunteers to help work with B and i'm the first. M says that already B is more comfortable with me than she is with most adults, so he and his wife are excited to have me help out. for me, it's just a chance to give M and his lovely wife a break in their day on occasion. i can see how B is autistic, but she's also a pretty ordinary kid, and i do honestly like hanging out with her. plus, i never pass up a chance to get to color and goof with any kid. i'm honored that M sees me as a positive influence on B, and it's touching that he and his wife are so excited to have me work with them. this is going to sound terribly hokey, but M is great guy, a wonderful co-worker, and i'd help his family out with anything i could do. it's flattering to be considered as a volunteer. i'm just brushing up now on some of the finer points, having done a lot of reading about the program as M acquired it. i'm excited to see how it works out, as well. she's such a great kid, i just want her to feel more comfortable in her world.

and while it would crack M up to know it, i've also been watching a variety of bad horror movies on syfy today as well. shhh! it's our little secret.

coff coff

i'm still just sick enough that one really long, hectic day at work (today) just took it right out of me. came home, made a sandwich, and passed out on the couch at the impossibly early hour of eight. took some more cough syrup, and now i'm headed back to bed.

rainy days

this morning at work i was reading a book i bought the boychik for his birthday (i know! i'm awful!), which is this awesome compilation of stories loosely written in a lovecraft style. i picked it up for a few reasons, one being that the boy has been into lovecraft lately. the other being that i am a sucker for anything ellen datlow edits. i never thought i'd be nerdy enough to say i have a favorite editor, but there you have it. i do, and her name is ellen. anyway, i let him read the first story before absconding with the book, so i'm not a total jerk. back to my story; i was reading, it was raining and i was drinking tea and thinking about how much i'm hating this summer rain storm we've been having. we had enough nice weather to get me excited about summer (or even a late spring) and now we've had nothing but deluge and gloom for weeks. i started thinking and i thought, "rainy days and lovecraft always get me down..." which i think would be an awesome song parody. if you want to steal my idea, go ahead. you owe me, though.

the kids get out of school in two days. one of them has a summer job lined up, and it's not the kid you might think. it's the girlchild! i know, crazy. the past few weekends her grandpa has found all sorts of work in his garden for her to do, and she's been digging in the dirt, planting stuff, mowing and helping out, and she's been making bank. stranger still, she really enjoys it. score! trying to talk to the boychik about his summer plans, on the other hand, is a bit like asking him anything about his personal life. which is to say, kind of difficult and involves a lot of sighing and eye rolling (on my part). we've already let him know that we don't expect him to get anything even remotely full time, we won't force him to do something that will make him cut his hair, and he can even pick up a volunteer gig. he just can't stay home all summer cultivating a laptop tan. he must get out of the house at least a few days a week. for my own sanity. there aren't a ton of options out there, i realize, but i'm sure we can find him something. cross your fingers!

16 years

yesterday was the boychik's birthday. he turned the big one-six. i admit i love having a semi-step-kid that age because when i casually mention my sixteen year old, everyone goes "no way! you look great!" and i'm all, "yeah, i'm a hot mom." hee hee... and while technically i'm old enough to be the boychik's bio-mom, but i am kind of glad i got him later in life. i would have been a terrible mom at sixteen, and the boy would have been named something crazy.

we also realized yesterday that for a few months i'm exactly sixteen years older than he is. spooky.

i have to say, i'm pretty glad D hooked me up with such awesome kids.

maybe get some powder for that dude...

my coworker mike, pulling a patient out of the bore for his injection: "how are you doing in there?"

patient, way too loud because he's got earplugs in: "my balls itch!"

rainy day bbq

yesterday we had our first barbeque of the season. we've had a terribly rainy week up in here northwest washington, but sunday was supposed to be nice. when we woke up, there was a whole lot of sun and my little family and i set to work in the backyard. our back patio was covered with the remains of a plum tree that inexplicably split itself in half at the end of last summer, and our yard qualifies at a nature preserve at this point. the grass is so tall you can lose a toddler out there. we have a path cut out to the compost heap, but that's about it. we got the patio all cleared off, the outside table scrubbed free of mold and gunk (that was my fun job), and the smoker/grill all set up. then the rain started! lucky for us, we have a pop-up canopy, so we just hung out under that all day. it was a small barbeque anyway; just us, my mom and niece, and a friend of the boy's. we still made way too much food, and sent some home with mom. i have to say, it's fun being able to send her home with leftovers instead of the other way around.

we've been playing around with our smoker, and probably will have a lot more in the way of family get togethers so we can feed people our experiments. so far we've made pizza, pork and beef ribs, and turkey legs. beef ribs weren't our favorite; the taste was good, but the ratio of meat to bone is sad. i love the turkey legs; they look all prehistoric and ridiculous, but a long cooking breaks down much of the connective tissue, and they don't need much in the way of seasoning. an simple overnight brine and they are good to go. my outdoor pizza technique needs some work, but the pizzas themselves were tasty. one time we made pork ribs with a random rub, and even though they were way too salty, they still got eaten, which is a testament to how awesome pork is. D found a website with a lot of modifications you can make to a simple grill like ours to maximize its efficiency, and we've used some of the tips. we still have some mods to make, but so far we've got a good thing going. maybe you'll come over this summer and help us try out a new recipe or two...

so much going on

this weekend was pleasantly busy. i went to the island on saturday morning, to go to the farmer's market with my mom and aunt (and maggie!). after that, we poked about town, getting ready for a dinner over at my aunt's house later. it was a very informal affair, and pretty much exactly what i needed. we spent the night looking at old photos of my uncle, talking about him, catching up. mom and i had to leave a little earlier than we wanted because maggie was a bit overstimulated, but i was glad to get to spend some time with my people. today was the formal wake, which was a service held at the local VFW. most of the guests came dressed in flannel shirts; if there was one thing my uncle loved, it was a well-worn flannel plaid. it was nice to look out over the crowd and see all the shirts. the service was short and sweet, and i think what made me cry the most was when my cousin's son crawled up into her lap and started kissing her because she was crying. i remember maggie taking my sister's face in her hands at the funeral and saying over and over, "no crying, mama, no crying" while kissing her. it must be bewildering for a kid to see a parent so sad. in all, it was a nice but bittersweet weekend. after the service, D and i took maggie to the park to play for a while before filling her with a cinnamon roll and taking her home.

in other news, important news, weird news, the wedding has been postponed. not called off! and this honestly isn't one of those "let's stall for a while before we can really break up" sort of things. i have some financial things that need to be sorted out (i.e. DEBT), and after a few long, productive, mildly freaky conversations, we both agree that waiting until i get that settled is for the best. i meet with a lawyer soon to start hammering things out, and after that gets going, we'll set another date. when we first starting talking about this, i was pretty angry. i think that's a normal reaction, and i was worried that this meant that D didn't really want to marry me. even if you're waiting for all the right reasons, and being prudent and responsible, saying that you're putting things on hold isn't any one's first choice, i don't think. i admit i was shallow enough to also be worried about what my mother would think, and my friends and family, but the response has been great. i still love D, i still want to be his wife, but i also want to protect his assets and make sure that we don't start our marriage running from creditors. taking care of this now also means when the kids go to college (and one isn't that far off) we'll be in a better place to help them out, which is important to me. if i had thought in college (when i accrued this dismal debt) that it would make my wedding have to wait, i might not have been such a jackass with my credit cards. although to be honest, in college i wasn't sure i'd ever grow up and get married, and i thought i'd have a job that paid more by now. c'est la vie, dudes. the good news is i have a lot more time to make all manner of crafty decorations for the wedding, and that dress i'm not totally in love with doesn't have to be my wedding dress anymore. i feel really good about our decision. in a weird way, i feel closer to D too. this could have been a gigantic fight, a clusterfuck of epic proportions, nothing but hurt feelings and pride; but we worked it out together. like the team we are.

i'm still here

you can be a crazy feminist and love mickey avalon at the same time, right? because i looove mickey avalon, but also rage against shaving my legs and losing my hyphenated last name in marriage. i can't help that i love his dirty rapping! i'm telling you, there's more than one 15 yr old boy living in this house; i let the boychik listen to "my dick" (which is just as ridiculous and raunchy as it sounds) and we giggled like dorks while bobbing our heads.

i made it through a week without crying at work or setting anything on fire. i suppose since it's only thursday i should wait until tomorrow to make that statement, but i like to live my life right on the edge of things, as you can plainly see. my uncle's party-which-shall-not-be-called-a-wake happens this weekend. i'l be glad to be wtih my family for a few days, even if it isn't for the happiest of reasons.

i didn't want to walk today (because for me grief involves couches, beer and long showers), but i have to say, it does me some good to get all stompy and hot and sweaty. my butt hurts, though. my legs seem stronger lately too, which is a weird and awesome feeling. i find that as much as i drag my feet and procrastinate with the exercising, once i'm in the swing of things, and afterward, i feel good. those endorphins health articles are always extolling might actually exist after all. shit, who knew shape had anything of value to offer a girl?

the waiting was truly awful. i spent all day today antsy and on the phone trying to figure out what was going on, but getting nowhere. i slept for shit last night (three hours! maybe four! whoo!) and after i got home mom finally answered the phone and told me what the hell what going on. my uncle passed away at about 8 this morning, with his children and wife by his side. from what i gather, it was as peaceful as it could be.

even though i knew in part of my brain that he wasn't going to get better, the part of me that was still hoping he'd wake up and be fine reacted badly to the news. no matter when someone you love dies; suddenly, or you get some time to anticipate it, you're never really ready, are you?

there are going to be too many women at family holidays now. dammit, guys.

after i got the news, i had a tuna melt with the boychik, then went to bed. i didn't realize how tired i was, and so i read and napped on and off until D got home. there won't be a funeral, per my uncle's wishes, so a party will be organized in it's place. i don't think anyone wants to call it a wake, but that's pretty much what it is. i would just like to hide out in bed for a few more days, but i'm not sure that's an option.

my uncle was awesome. he gave me my first real job, at his bead store. he helped me pick out my first car. he was funny and smart and had a wicked sense of humor. he was madly in love with my aunt. he was my pop's best friend. they met in the navy and cobbled together a family; both were far away from their own, but saw something in each other that they recognized. i don't remember he or my aunt not being a part of my life. they've always been supportive of me, and it always made me so proud that we got to be part of the same family. uncle john always made me feel smarter, and way more talented than i probably am. when i was a teenager, he and my aunt were the grown-ups i looked to for overt advice and guidance. you know how when you're that age and everything your parents say is wrong and dumb and retarded, but you've got an aunt and uncle who can say the same thing and suddenly it doesn't seem so moronic? that was them. when my father passed, my uncle was the most reasonable about it, and oddly comforting. he told me that he knew it sucked, that he knew i was sad and miserable and missing him, but that death was a part of life and that he knew my dad, and knew he was happy with how he had lived his life. he did shots of tequila with me in the kitchen and told me i was going to be okay, and i believed him.

i was okay then, and i'll be okay now, but it doesn't mean i won't miss the hell out of both of them.

this tuesday night i got a call that my uncle was in the ICU. that morning he'd fallen into a coma after his kidneys and liver started shutting down. what they thought was MDS and perhaps cirrhosis of the liver was actually a fast acting, aggressive liver cancer. there was a tumor that essentially shut the blood supply to his liver and kidneys off. it happened so quickly that he was only lucid and awake for about an hour after being admitted to the hospital. my aunt was worried about telling my mother, sister and me, and so she didn't call us until late that night. my sister and i went to the hospital right away, and my mother drove up from portland that night as well. the next day my uncle's brothers and his daughter flew into town from new york. we knew he hadn't been feeling well, obviously, but the tests he'd been having were all inconclusive or vague at best. the CT scans and MRI's didn't show the cancer, and he had some other health problems that probably clouded his diagnosis. at this point, he's as comfortable as he can be, and we're just all waiting.

the limbo part of this is difficult. on one hand, i'm glad i got to be with him a few more times, on the other hand, the coma makes it impossible to know if he's okay; i worry about him being in pain or uncomfortable. his doctors are amazing, though, and when i saw him tonight he seemed a lot more peaceful than he did that first day. the doctor doesn't think he'll make it through the night, his kidneys have shut all the way down and his breathing is getting slower and slower. this is just very, very lame. to say the least.

cancer can go fuck itself.

(and just so you know, mother's day was super nice. may made me a really pretty ceramic heart that hangs on the wall and holds a flower or note. it's terribly adorable, and the note she put inside just about killed me. awesome! )

honestly...

all this talk of moms and mother's day has got me feeling weird. i am not technically a mom, and the sort of mom i'm going to end up being isn't really very june cleaver-y. if i'd just gotten pregnant and had kids, though, would i have been an ordinary mom? is there really any such thing?

sometimes i'm sad that i didn't become a mom in a normal, getting-pregnant-having-a-baby kind of way. other days, i love the kids enough that i forget i didn't grow them myself. they both refer to me as a "parent" and that's pretty fucking awesome for a girl who was seriously plotting her crazy cat lady phase.

i guess when it comes right down to it, i love them and they love me and who cares if i'm not a MOM-mom. i'm okay. they're okay. we have a home we're all happy to come back to, and dinner is our favorite part of the day. whatever is going on, it works. i need to stop over thinking it and just relax. i forget that no one gets to pick their kids, and no one gets to pick their mom. we're not a normal family, but whatever we are, i'm thrilled with. yeah, i'm not a mom-mom, i never grew a baby inside me, and the kids have a bio-mom out there somewhere, but the kids are awesome and well-adjusted, so i'm going to count that as a success.

insert foot in mouth, remove, use to kick ass

oh facebook, you fickle mistress. i posted some wise-ass comment about sandra bullock's new brown baby, and how ridiculous it was they dressed him up in beads, because you know, he's not actually from africa, and my future sister-in-law took offense and sent me an email about it. granted, she's a white woman with a brown baby too, and i think she thought i was making fun of the brown part of the photo, when really i was irritated at the beads and the whole "exotic baby as awesome new fashion accesory" attitude of the elite/famous. her question was "would you have made that comment if the baby were white?" and i said, "if that baby was white, there wouldn't have been any beads." i let her know that (and pointed out that thanks to having a brown pop, i am actually browner than she might realize), and i *think* she's less irriated with me, but DAMN. i started the day on an asshole note, let's hope i clean up my act by this afternoon when anne and henry gets here.

in other news, anne and henry are on a train on their way here as we speak! i'm excited to have them up for a few days. i plan on stuffing them full of food, showing them around, crafting like crazy old ladies, and then sending them home with cookies. i'm sad my man tiernan has to stay home, but he and his dad are probably going to enjoy their staycation.

on that note, i'm going to go clean the house so i don't give henry too many opportunities to poke his eyes out with something sharp, or put something filthy in his mouth. he's a smart three year old, but my house is kind of a mess.

nope. no. nuh-uh. no way.

does anyone else out there feel an intense feeling of shame when people mention an ex? i dated a guy for a while, not very seriously, and long enough ago that it really shouldn't bother me that he exists*, but whenever anyone mentions him i'm all "NO, i don't remember that." fingers-in-ears, "la la la laaa..." or else i cringe and turn bright red and think "really?! i thought he was a good idea?" i can even be all myself, get an email from a friend mentioning said unmentionable, and suddenly i'm blushing and my stomach is churning and i'm just so ridiculously embarrassed. which i guess is just proof that some people look better with a thin film of love/lust/beer smeared across my glasses. i can't figure out now what i saw in them then, but give me a six pack and a sappy movie and maybe i can recreate the emotion or reasoning. (or lack thereof.)

you would think that at 32, that sort of shit would just roll off me like water off a duck's back.* then i remember that at heart, i'm still way more 15 than i care to admit. dammit.

*i know you've got an ex that infuriates you with their continued existence. i can't be the only one thinking "how dare you?!"

**actual quote taken from an actual boy i used to make-out with in college. he ended up being slightly crazy and alcoholic and was an early entry on my list of "oh my god what was i thinking?"

trust me, it was delicious

even though i have no photo to show you! this recipe makes enough soup to feed four people, if they have a sandwich to go with and one of them isn't a 15 year boy. anyone who has one of those knows that there is never enough soup!

Curried Sweet Potato, Carrot and Coconut Milk soup

• one medium size sweet potato, peeled and cut into small-ish chunks
• two small or one medium carrot, peeled and cut into chunks about the same size as the sweet potato
• half a small onion, diced
• one can coconut milk
• two cups broth of your choice (chicken, veggie or water)
• splash of olive oil
• 1 1/2 to 2 tbs curry powder (depends on how you like it)
• 1/8 tsp of cayenne pepper (or more if you like)
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp ginger
• 1 tsp cardamom (at least, that's what i'm pretty sure was in that bag! it wasn't labeled.)
• salt and pepper

heat oil in bottom of heavy pan (or your soup pan). when it's hot, add the onions and cook until translucent. add liquid (broth or water), chopped veggie and spices. cover and simmer until veggies are soft, about 25 to 35 minutes. remove from heat, add can of coconut milk and use your immersion blender to blend it all down until it's as smooth or chunky as you like. taste and adjust seasoning (the coconut milk will sweeten and thicken the soup a bit, so if it seems kind of salty now, that's okay! remember, you can always add more curry, but you can't add less.). serve with a nice salad, or my new favorite thing, grilled pita wedges.

so ridiculously good! i made this recipe when i came home from work today, because there was some sort of curried coconut soup at work today that smelled amazing. it was a little pricey though, and i thought, "ooh, i can try to make that." so i did, although i didn't make too much because the kids and D don't really dig on indian curry. that being said, they all ate it up, and we have absolutely no leftovers. whoo! that always makes me feel like a rockstar.

blink, blink

at the hospital i work at, there's a woman in our department that i always thought was more like me than some of the others. we're about the same age, we both wear glasses, she likes the same kind of music i do, etc. evidently, though, i was kinda wrong about one thing: she's pretty seriously religious. i was telling my mom a story about how i figured this out, and how i didn't realize she was a proper, god-fearing, church-going woman until just recently. what i actually said was, "she doesn't look religious." that made her giggle and she asked how how she didn't look it, and i stuttered and said, "well, you know, she kind of looks like me." mom thought this was ridiculous and i learned i'm not the poster girl for atheistic aestheticism. dammit.

here's what made me realize how different we are; i was telling a story about how i won a gift certificate to a local restaraunt on the radio, and when i called home to see if the boychik had heard me i found that he wasn't actually listening to that station. which was odd, because that's normally what he does when he comes home from school, and of course the one day i'm on the radio winning shit, he's listening to something else. that something would be the black sabbath CD i put in his easter basket.

"you put what in his basket?!"
"a black sabbath cd! it was funny, and he's been wanting some sabbath."
"that's not funny."
"it's totally funny! black sabbath on easter sunday? it's hilarious!"
*crickets chirp, stink eye is given*

when i tried pointing out that sabbath isn't satanic, i got nothing but a blank stare. but come on! black sabbath on easter sunday is comedy gold! jeez. i guess it's a good thing i know she's not like me, because i bet telling her about buying the boychik a copy of the satanic bible wouldn't win me any points either. crazy.

heel, toe...

i signed up to participate in a marathon today. granted, i'm only walking the half-marathon, but still. my name was (is) on some serious paperwork that says i will be doing a marathon. when did i become this girl?! what the hell is going on? i won't run to catch the phone in the privacy of my own home, much less run or hustle my ass with anyone watching. physical exertion in public is something i avoid only slightly less than peeing my pant in public. truth be told, both ideas are terrifying to me. i don't want to be known at the woman who peed her pants any more than i want you to see the weird way my legs bend outward when i run.

what made me decide to associate myself with a marathon is that for this particular one you train in teams, and you get a coach to help you work up to being in the race. which means i'll get help getting into shape, from professionals who hopefully won't let me do something that will kill me either with a heart attack or death by embarrassment. it also raises money for leukemia and lymphoma research, and i like the idea of not only getting in better shape, but helping out a worthwhile cause at the same time. i'm honestly surprised at myself for going to tonight's meeting; i've already gone farther with this than i thought i would. it's a nice idea, me walking 13.1 miles with a bunch of other people, raising money to help fight against a cancer that made my pop sick, and maybe getting myself into better shape at the same time. no one would ever accuse me of being terribly ambitious, especially when it comes to exercise, but i feel optimistic about this. maybe with three awesome things going for it, this is something i can stick with and do. perhaps i can hide my ridiculous gait in a herd of other walkers and runners, maybe in a group i won't be so self-conscious. i suppose we'll see!

while i'm here, if you do any considerable walking or running, what kind of shoes do you like? i started doing some research on good walking shoes, and was quickly overwhelmed.

a few hippie things

• we're going to give up buying paper towels. yes, they are handy and useful and all that, but they are also wasteful and expensive. there is no shortage of kitchen towels in this house, and so we're going to start using them more.
• there has been talk lately about us becoming a one car family. this scares the shit out of me for a few reasons, but the idea of spending less on gas, insurance and maintenance is pretty compelling. we could also use the small amount of money we got from selling one of the cars for savings and to get us out of some debt. nothing is set in stone yet, but it feels good to consider our options.
• D got some books about making his own awesome bikes, a lá atomic zombie, and now all we can talk about are making recumbent, low-rider, chopper bikes. (and trikes! i want a trike for shopping.)
• as always, we're trying to cut back on tv as well. i know, "why don't you just cancel the cable?" honestly? sometimes i really like watching tv. i have a few shows i really dig, and i like being able to knit/embroider/veg in front of the box on occasion. i guess i'm just trying to keep it all in moderation, and so far it's going okay.
  

what in the blog?!

i recently broke up with twitter. not that anyone, including twitter, actually cared. i will admit, though, it felt good to break up with a social networking site that i just felt guilty about ignoring. i kind of feel like doing the same to facebook, but i like that my future mother-in-law is on there and i can send her dorky messages.

easter came and went and we ate lamb of god, latkes, and too much queso. i know, it was a weird meal. having it in my mom's newly remodeled house though, was awesome. she knocked down the kitchen walls, making the living/dining/cooking area a lot more open and comfortable to hang out in. she's also got swanky stainless appliances, an oak kitchen floor dyed red (!) and a lot more open space. it feels good to hang out there. this might be the last holiday she hosts for a while, and i don't blame her. since pop died she's done a lot to try to make holidays feel "normal," but i think it's time she was off the hook. holidays aren't like they used to be, and that is okay. if she wants to be the hosted rather than the hostess, then i say yay!

mom bought me some cool books about wedding planning as well, which made me realize just how far behind i really am. i have five months! maybe i should get to making invites and stuff. i have a lot of ideas for things i want to make for the wedding, and one of the books has a great place to set up a time line, so i'm going to try to be more organized. we'll see how that goes!

(up above is the very first lino cut i've ever made! i want to make some bunting for hanging up around the farm at the reception, and on some of the flags i'm going to stamp some acorns. i hope. i have to try this out and see how it works!)

spring forward

i keep saying i'm going to build my bookcase and move some stuff around, but it keeps not happening. instead, today i got a lot of things besides that done. i mopped the kitchen, i did a million loads of laundry, i made the bed with fresh, clean sheets, i went to costco with D, and i finished a pair of socks. those socks right up there. they're made with the leftover bits of yarn i had from all those shawlettes i made. i would have never set out to knit these socks with these colors, but i wanted to use up the leftovers, and you can never have enough pairs of socks. never. what's sick and wrong about this, though, is that now that i've finished a pair i want to cast on for another right this second. my brain is convinced that my sock needles can't just stay bare for a night or two! no, i must start a new pair right now. i'm going to do my best to resist the urge.

the bookcase might not be up, but i did get a lot more done today than i thought was possible. i was kind of making up for saturday, which i spent all hungover and stupid. i am too old for hangovers. i really can't do anything when i feel so shitty, and i did indeed feel shitty yesterday. vodka and i are friends, but we might need to take a little break. plus, i swear my mom only comes over when i'm hungover and i'm beginning to think she might think i have a problem. good times! there's nothing like a mother contemplating her daughter's possible dependence on booze.

and now my dears, i'm going to don a pair of medical gloves i swiped from work, and see if the black light i bought at home depot will show me which of my yarns are covered in mouse pee. wish me luck.

we. are. fam-il-y.

"i got all my sisters and me!"

spent a lot of time talking with both my sister and my mother tonight. there's a good reason we're all related. no matter how much i want to think i'm my own woman i know i am both a product of history and a result of it. it's funny to see how we pass it on as well...especially with my niece. she's the best reflection of us anyone could ask for. a better, sweeter, blonder version of ourselves doesn't exist. our ridiculous neurosis are also evident as well; she actually told me tonight she doesn't want to visit tomorrow because she's "covered in pimples." of course, she isn't, but she has a strange version of her physical self. my sister says she thinks goosebumps are pimples, and there's no talking her out of it. i finally convinced my niece that even if she were covered in pimples, that we're family, and we want to see her regardless.

i found out tonight that my one and only, and favorite, uncle is sick. he's got something that's not quite leukemia, as well as a funky spot on his liver. he's sick, for sure, but in good spirits. it's early in his diagnosis, and there's a good chance we can all contribute a little bone marrow or a liver lobe in order for him to feel better. i won't lie to you, it's been a little less than a year since my father passed, and this news hits me hard. i'm optimistic, but i was the same way when pop got sick, and if there's one thing i learned, it's that you can't will a person to get better. i don't believe in much, but if you want to send out good vibes for my uncle, i'll be thankful.

whew

all this unpacking and moving stuff around is quite exhausting. i'm not even remotely done, either. in fact, i'm sucking at staying focused. hence the blogging. i did get my old dresser into my room, and clear out the dresser i acquired from a co-worker for the girlchild. now we all have dressers! except the boychik, who prefers his clothes in random piles.

had a follow-up eye exam, and discovered that the contacts, not my eyes, were to blame for the weird dryness. the ones i have in now are so much more comfortable it's not even funny. i just thought my eyes were weird, because you know, i'm a little bit of a hypochondriac. it couldn't possibly be the contacts, it has to be some eye disease that's gone undiagnosed!

while it feels really good to have my stuff, i do wish a had a lot less of it. back to the unpacking for me!

speed and i are not friends,

but i need the sudafed because whatever is growing in my sinuses has a voracious appetite for pain. the longest i went between doses today was 8 hours, and near the end i didn't want any more, i wanted to sleep (amend that to present tense, dear, i want to sleep), but the pain in my head was too much. i took some, and now i am awake, my heart is jackrabbity, and i actually said the following things out loud today while dosed:

"my brain is all fertile with creative shit!"
"what a nice young juggalo."
"guess who's a landowner, bitches?!"

i went to work today which was good for me a in lot of ways. money being way #1. it wasn't terribly taxing, and now i'm back into my long weekend. for some reason my schedule was wonky, and the other patient coordinator was on deck for tomorrow. i could use the day to recoup; while i didn't die at work, or even pass out, i have hours that feel okay if sleepy, hours of crazy sped-up me after the little red pills, and that ridiculous "i'm too hot!" or "i'm too cold!" argument going on with my body. i discovered that another coworker had this same ailment, and while he was a lot tougher than me and worked right through most of it, the weird body-temp thing and aches stay around for a while. hooray.

i do have all sorts of creative ideas a' brewing up in my head. i can't get the new broken bell's song out of my head, so at night after everyone else is in bed and i'm still up, i listen to it on repeat on youtube and work on stuff. most of what i'm working on at the moment is just planning stages stuff, and to be honest, most of it is wedding stuff. working out what we need to get, what i want to do, time lines and lists and sketches! such fun stuff. the house is too full of unorganized things that are right in the way and threatening to trip, maim or infect us for me to do much at the moment; i'm hoping tomorrow i can at least get boxes into the garage, and start the giant "garage sale" pile.

late tonight D and i snuck out to jack in the box for chicken tenders, to go with our wing sauce (of course), and the nice young man who helped us had a name tag on that said "juggalo." part of the reason we like that jack in the box so much is that the night crew is ridiculous and funny and genuinely seem to enjoy that weird shift, and you see the most interesting kids there. D and i argued about whether or not our fine young juggalo looked like a little steve perry or no, and while i say the world would be a better place with a little more steve perry in general, D didn't see it. then i told him about this extremely NSFW clip on the youtubes concerning juggalos just today that sort of made our being served by Mr. Juggalo seem like fate.

before the high wears off, i did indeed become a landowner today as i inherited some land on the rez from my pop. actually, it's on more than one rez, but all in one state. pop said there was maybe enough there for him to be buried standing up, but evidently my half is almost 300 acres. way to undersell it pop! no word yet on whether it's inhabitable, valuable, or what our options are. i know he didn't make money on it, but i also don't recall him having to pay taxes on it. being that i am not a very good indian, i honestly don't know much more than that at this point, i just like bragging about how much land i own. even if it's swamp land or a parcel of hell, it's mine, and it's got an impressive number on it. more research needs to be done!

i'm going to go lie wide awake next to D now for a while until his snoring drives me to the couch. normally the snoring doesn't bug me, but while on cold medication i find it unbearable. mainly because it's like his nose bragging that he can't sleep and i can't. sleep tight my darling juggalos. (and you too!)

packing and unpacking all sorts of baggage

today was my pop's birthday. i remember last year he didn't want to celebrate; he kind of blew us all off, and when my sister tried to at least make a dinner out of it, he shot her down and she was pretty pissed. if we'd known then that he only had a month to live, would things have been different? i guess that's why we don't know. reasonably, i know that's how it should be, but i can't help but wonder and wish i'd done more for his birthday.

this year i was supposed to see my mom and sister and have dinner in pop's honor at his favorite little restaurant in coupeville, the tyee. he always got the fish and chips and an MGD, draught. i couldn't go, thanks to this retched cold/flu/plague i have. it would have been nice.

as it is, i spent the day alternately napping, sweating, and opening up random boxes to see what i had in them. i've always known i take a lot of photos, but my pre-digital days gives those photos an actual heft and physical space. i found more than a few photos of pop, and honestly, being able to hold a photo in your hand feels totally different than looking at it on a computer screen. i think i'd forgotten that. i'm sad. it's been almost a year now, and while i don't feel like i'm being punched in the gut all the time anymore, i don't feel great. there were more than a few changes in the past year, and there's a part of me that's still reeling from that, and a part of me that's gotten a whole lot better at adapting. at this point, however sad i feel, i can see things getting better. let's face it, the past few years i've been in a bit of a funk, and i've acquired a couple of bad habits that i'm going to need to kick. sugar and TV being high up on my list. i'd do anything to have pop back, but not having him, and losing him so suddenly, shook me up. i don't want to waste any more time. i don't want any more boxes of stuff languishing for years, i don't want to keep getting rounder and unhappier with my body, i don't want to be afraid to put down roots and deal with grown-up shit, i don't want to be who i am right now. which isn't to say that i'm entirely unhappy with myself, but i know i can do better. looking at those photos, looking at the life i'd built at one time, before i started doubting myself and everything else, made me realize in very clear terms what's changed in my life. i think the more i've tried to mold my life into what i think the "right" thing to do is, what i "should" be doing, the farther away from me i've become.

perhaps this is all hocus pocus, sinus-infection, ramblings of a sickly woman, but i might also be onto something. more making, less talking. more doing and creating and enjoying, and less living up in my own head, analyzing every damn thing to death. more! thank you. i'll be taking my sudafed and heading to bed now.

please make it stop hurting

dear lord, my body aches. i have some sort of cold that is kicking my ass. it started monday night; right after we got home from getting my stuff out of storage (!!!). my back had been hurting me for a few days, and i thought maybe all the lifting and moving had just exacerbated it, until i got the wicked chills. for the past 24 hours it's felt like my body can't regulate its own body temp; for the first 12 or so hours i couldn't get warm. there i was on the couch, in sweatpants, with long socks, a t shirt and a hoodie sweatshirt on, laying on a heating pad and cuddling a hot water bottle, covered in three blankets, and i was still cold. yesterday afternoon that broke and i couldn't stop sweating for a few hours. a tepid bath helped calm that down, but now i'm at a point where i'm too hot if i'm under the covers, but if i so much as a poke a hand out i'm covered in goosepimples. what the fuck. my bones ache. the skin over my bones aches. i'm terribly thirsty. my sinuses are so packed with god-knows-what that if i tilt my head forward i get that lovely blinding pain behind my eyes. in short, i'm pretty sure i'm dying. it got so bad yesterday i actually called my coworker to see if he thought i should go to the ER. he didn't; evidently he had something a lot like this with more coughing a few weeks ago. ugh.

but you know, if any of these symptoms seems freaky to you and you have a different opinion, feel free to let me know.

in the meantime, i'm busy either sleeping on the couch or in bed. our living room is packed to the gills with all my stuff, which is now, once and for all, out of storage. mousies got into some of it, but i don't think the damage is too bad. if we all get the hanta virus, though, i'm going to be pissed. the kids have been having a grand old time going through my stufff; they think it's cool and have been showing it all to their friends. it's very sweet and touching. they've also been huggy and sweet to me; making sure i have jello and juice and asking me how i am every half hour. such nice kids. i got really lucky.

sitting up for almost an hour has drained me. i was hoping to go to work today, but i don't think it's going to happen. it's also my pop's birthday, and i wanted to go have dinner with my mom tonight as well. damn you cold. i guess i'll wait and see how i feel and go from there. i think right now, though, i need to be back on the couch with the cat.

it's a good thing mom got rid of those medical encyclopedias

because for the past three days i've been thirstier than usual, and at 3 a.m. this morning i realized i might have diabetes. or i might have been eating meals with sodium contents the equivalent of a bovine salt lick. or something else not life-threatening. i'm such a weirdo.

i'm also going to go look for some new eyeglasses today, which thrills me. i love buying new glasses! i also think i need a little amanda-time, and no one likes tagging along with someone buying glasses, so i've just assured myself a few hours alone. there are some betsey johnson frames i saw at costco that i love, but they might be a little too funky for everday wear. i think doing some more looking won't hurt, and if it just reaffirms my love for all things betsey, then that is okay too.

tomorrow we're renting a truck and getting all my stuff out of storage! i haven't seen anything in there in over two years; to say i'm excited is an understatement. sure, most everything in there i could have re-purchased for far less than i spent on the goddamn storage fees, but there are things in there that i couldn't buy. like some of my pop's teeth, as well as my own wisdom teeth. my creepy homemade dolls. my terrible artwork. my tiny formica table. all the yarns and fabrics! my cameras. my journals full of teen angst. ooh, i can hardly wait. this week will be one of massive does of nostalgia. watch out.

proof that i really have no idea what i'm doing

the girlchild took up basketball. in a lot of ways this is awesome; she's learning the ropes, getting to run around like a crazy kid a few hours a week, working out team dynamics, and having a good time. she's also a competitve girl, and i think sports are a great way for her to express that.

the thing is, i really hate basketball. all by itself, it's not a sport i enjoy, in any way; watching, playing, or hearing about it, i just hate it. while i'm all for taking her to practice and going to games, i find myself all jaw clenchy and irritated by the time they're done. the incessant smacking of the ball against the wood floor, the shrieks of pre-teen girls, all the "likes" and "ums" and older teen sisters talking about stupid shit and wearing the same skinny jeans and converse...it's all very, very annoying to me. i bring my knitting with me, so i have something to work on, and if i have to go to practice i listen to my ipod. i find it hard to feign interest in the game, and trying to remain supportive and smiley is hard work at times.

she knows i don't love basketball, but i do make sure to let her know that if she digs it, that's all i need to know. i'll take her to games and practice, make sure her little uniform is clean, and have dinner ready for her early, but is it so wrong to wish she was a mathlete?

why did the mean pea cross the road?

to use up all my health insurace!

okay, not really. in mean pea news: i saw another orthopedist, and he told me that indeed, there was more messed up in my hand than simply a ganglion cyst. however, he was pretty sure that my messed up palm wasn't dupuytren's contracture. it's more of a generalized fascia contracture, meaning that for some reason the tissue in that area of my palm is scarring and thickening, causing pain and pressure. dupuytren's usually occurs under or around a tendon, though, resulting in an awesome claw hand, and my fascia contracture seems to be not affecting the tendons of my hand. it's totally beginning to press upon my carpal tunnel, though. whoo! hence the burning pain down my wrist and occasional hand weakness.

he told me that they could operate on my hand and get rid of the pea and try to reduce the scarring and thickness of my palm. he also told me that the surgery to get rid of the scar tissue often just causes a lot more scar tissue, and that one of the only ways to allieviate that was to leave me with an open fucking incision (i added the f-bomb), and let the scar work it's way up through my flesh and heal there. my hand wouldn't be a claw, but it would be all frankenstein-y. because the mean pea showed up after the fascia contracture, he thinks they're related, and just going in and removing the pea probably won't do that much good, since it will most likely grow back, only bigger and meaner this time.

what does all this mean? it means that the appointment the ortho made with the hand surgeon i cancelled. honestly, three doctor's appointments in as many weeks used all pretty much all of my health care benefits for the year. the kids better not get polio, is all i'm saying. from everything i've read and everything the doctor's have told me, my best bet is to wait until my hand becomes an unbearable nightmare, and then operate on it. in the meantime, i'm still working it out, still knitting and typing and making sure not to bump the mean pea into anything because that hurts like a sonofabitch, still a bit achey, but glad i at least know what's going on. the mean pea is relieved to know he gets to hang around for a few more years, and now i have a lot of medical terminology to throw around like i know what it means. we all win a little! although i think the pea makes out best in this situation. asshole.

lesson in FAIL

i guess this morning i thought it would be really fun to be uncomfortable all day. i put on a pair of shoes that are pretty uncomfortable; they haven't been properly broken in, and on top of that they're heavy. right this second they are pinching my toes and heel as well as weighing 85 pounds. i'm also wearing my new contacts, which are uncomfortable on so many levels. for one, my face is all naked. when i see myself in the mirror all i can think is "damn! that's a lot of face!" there are no glasses to push up my nose, so when i try, i end up poking myself around the bridge of my nose. the prescription is also new, leaving me feeling slightly seasick. the ground keeps coming up to meet me, and my stupid heavy feet aren't quick enough to get out of the way. if i somehow manage to not trip over myself today it will be a miracle.

the good news is that i got to sleep in this morning until 7 a.m. and that, my friends, was awesome.

aaah! i'm naked!

if you thought you were going to get to see boobs, sorry! that should have said, "aaah! my face is naked!" had a visit with the nice eye doctor at costco (if you have a membership i would like to highly recommend their services; not too expensive, they took my insurance, and the eye doc i got was surprisingly bullshit free. he didn't try to talk me into anything!), and got a pair of contacts to try out. as most of you know, i don't wear contacts. i used to, but i gave them up almost ten years ago, because my eyes always felt dry and weird. in fact, today i had that same experience! curious. although i think it's because 1) i'm out of practice and 2) the new prescription is going to take some getting used to. i'm not going to wear them everyday, but i would like to be able to wear them on occasion. like, maybe when i get married.

this is where i waffle. on the one hand, i'm very much "dude, i'm blind, i wear glasses, whatever." D met me in glasses. he thought then (and thinks now) that i'm foxy in them, but he thinks i'm foxy out of them as well. on the other hand, i feel like there's this idea that women who wear glasses normally should try to dress up for their weddings, and this usually means replacing their glasses with contacts. not many pretty-pretty princesses are shown in eyewear, just like not a lot of brides are shown with four eyes. my glasses are a part of my face, and they have been since i was 11. the few years i wore contacts i still always felt like a girl who wore glasses, like a bit of a fraud without them on. today my face felt naked and weird, and i had nothing to fiddle with or clean. my wedding will probably be nerve-wracking enough, do i really want to do it with a naked face? i guess we'll see.
in non-feminist wedding musings, here's a photo of one of the things i got D for valentine's day. yeah, i don't buy into all that commercial bullshit, honest, but i like being able to buy him weird or funny things anyway, so why not use this holiday as an excuse? plus, he is sort of my valentine, so there's that. it's this neat little cookbook i found at a used book store, called maverick sea fare. it's a caribbean cookbook, but so much more than that. it's all hand-drawn and lettered, as you can see, and has these charming illustrations on every page. it's also a bit of a journal, documenting a woman's life on board a chartered sailboat, as a wife and cook. there are quite a few funny little stories, hints and tips for living aboard a boat, along with all the recipes. at the time it was first published, in 1977, some of the ingredients weren't part of everyday american cooking and were seen as fairly exotic. now, of course, it's not too strange to see pineapple and fish together, or cashews migrating from the nut bowl to the dinner table. i admit, i bought this as much for D as i did for myself. he loves boats, he loves sailing and cooking, and i loved living on a boat. it's a secret fantasy we have, of building a catamaran and doing chartered tours to make money and spending the rest of our time sailing the seas and making awesome meals. well, he'll build the boat, but i'll cheer him on, and i'm all for sailing around and waking up in the morning to have coffee on the deck, getting cozy in our berths at night, and seeing new places. of course, i also kinda want to do this in an RV (old school, like an airstream) too. when we talk about it, we refer to it as our "caravan years;" after the kids are out of the house and set up on their own, we want to live a little nomadically for a while. doesn't that sound nice? it's a bit early to plan for that, but i can't help but indulge in thinking about it on occasion.

trying something new

while reading one of my favorite webcomics, inkdick (how can you not love the name?!) i came upon this idea, which came via this blog. in short; you make ten goals a day, then check them off as you finish them. you pick a time period (a week, months, years?), and you graph your productivity. i like the idea. it combines lists with stars* and getting things done. i made my list this afternoon, and so far have gotten 5 of the 10 things done.

one of those things was to make a small drawing. i worked on acorn drawings, and am thinking about making my own rubber stamp for our wedding invitations. i was thinking an address stamp would make all the, well, addressing, easier. plus, there a million lovely custom stamps on etsy, and i never need much of an excuse/reason for shopping on etsy. i'm not sure my stamp carving skills are all that great, seeing as i've never actually made a stamp, so perhaps i'll get a good design and talk one of those crafty etsy kids into making it up for me. so many ideas!

remind me tomorrow to put watching an episode of the simpsons on my list. i'm pretty sure i can get that done.

*i don't think the official idea has anything to do with stars, but i want to make a big chart where i give myself stars for being awesome.

aaargh

the news on my mean pea is dubious. i went to see and orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and evidently i might have bigger problems than the pea. i had some xrays done, and learned that my pea does, in fact, look like a pea under there. that was sort of cool, and i really wish i'd brought my camera into the exam room with me! damn.

the thing is, i have this funny crease in my palm that showed up about four years ago. when it appeared, i noticed my hand lost some strength and was sore. every doctor i saw since then i showed it to, and they all said, "hmmm" and shrugged and left it at that. i bought one of those weirdo hand-squeezey-things to work on my strength and that was that. the pea showed up a few years later, and when i showed that to the doctor, he said that the pea was probably under my skin for a while, causing the crease, before it came to the surface, and that once the pea (thought to be a ganglion cyst) was excised, everything would go back to normal.

now the doctor isn't sure if the crease and pea are even related. he thinks the crease is dupuytren's contracture. this would mean the tissues in the crease are thickening and shortening the tendons in my palm, and will eventually pull my thumb and forefinger into a claw position and i'll be unable to straighten them. without surgery, that is. evidently this is very rare in someone my age without any injury, and it's also rare to have my thumb and forefinger affected. before they know what is, though, i have to go in for more tests. they'll probably do an MRI (ha ha), and i have to see another surgeon for a consult.

the good news is that if it is dupuytren's, we caught it early enough that surgery will help. the pea will still need to come out, but they aren't sure if it is a true ganglion cyst or some weird after effect of the contracture. either way, the surgery on my hand will likely be a bit more complicated and take me out of commission a bit longer. awesome! until then, i'll continue to take photos of the pea, who is now kind of weirded about by the fact that he might not be biggest issue.

saturday hijinks

the boychik and i headed out to the la conner flats to put down the deposit for sept. 18th. this means that we are indeed getting married in september! i wasn't terribly afraid of losing our date, since i'd let them know we wanted to reserve it and the folks that run the la conner flats are amazing, but i wanted them to know we were serious. i wanted to make sure we locked the date down, just in case someone else got the grand idea that they were going to get married there on our weekend.

we also went book shopping, and i found some neat boat ones for D, to give him for valentine's day. i also finished a knitting project, got it blocked and am waiting for it to dry so i can take some new photos of it. now i want to tidy up the sewing room a bit more, listen to some podcasts, and get some more knitting done. mean pea be dammed!

cut it out

meet my mean pea. it's a ganglion cyst, formerly known as a bible cyst. it lives between the thumb and forefinger of my left hand. i've had it for a long time, although for a few years it was just a weird crease on my palm; it took a while for the cyst itself to work its way up to the surface. ganglion cysts aren't dangerous or cancerous, they're normally just annoying. you can smash them with something heavy and get rid of them (you know, like bibles!), you can wait to see if they go away (many do), or you can see a doctor and have them cut it out of you. either way, unless it affects your range of motion or causes a lot of pain, most doctors suggest just letting them be.

my mean pea is kind of a dick. it makes knitting for longer than half and hour hurt. it sometimes sends a shooting, burning pain from my thumb down to my wrist. if i bump it into anything it hurts like a mother-humper. my grip on that side, while never stellar since i'm a righty, has gotten weaker. i have a hard time opening up jars. i often tell the kids i need help because the pea is acting up. i can't write or type for long periods of time. it looks funny. in short, the mean pea and i are not very good friends.

since i've had it for so long, the doctor thinks it might be time to excise it. i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on monday to take a look at it, and while part of me is all, "yay! cut the fucker out!" the part of me that worries just wants to know how much it will cost and whether or not it's even worth it. there's a good chance it'll just come back. of course, having my hand back would also rule, even if it doesn't last forever. before i get all mopey and "why bother" about it, i should probably just see the good doctor and see what they say. who knows, maybe it's not really a cyst, maybe it's a tooth and i can use my one free dental visit to have it removed.

hooray for february!

i can't believe how quickly this year is going past so far! it's like it took a running start or something. january was literally here just a second ago, and now it's gone. *poof*

today is the first day of the second month, and i'm planning on getting some stuff done. to that end, i will be loading the ipod up with podcasts, shutting the computer off, and getting into the shower, post-haste. today i'm hoping to accomplish the following:

• the sewing room needs a good tidy and clean. i can't actually do any sewing in here! my yarn is all kind of hidden, which i think might not be such a good idea. if i can see what i have, i might actually use it, instead of repeatedly buying yarns almost identical to the ones i have at home.
  
• the living room also needs a good once-over. i think the weekend i was in portland it was completely ignored, and as much as i harass the kids to clean up after themselves, sometimes i want it clean the way i want it cleaned. i am such a tyrant.
• pay some bills. boo hiss.
• go someplace new with D to eat. we like to do this on mondays; we find some place we've never tried and go eat lunch there. lunch is usually cheaper than dinner, and we sit and talk about how good/bad the food is, what could be improved, try to guess what the ingredients are, critique the staff and decor, and have a pretty good time. we're dorks, but i'm glad we're dorks together.