i spent fifty dollars at uwajimaya, but you know i wanted to spend more. it was as wonderful as i remembered!

hooray!

look at this cute baby face! henry was angry the first day i met him, but since then i think he's warmed up to me. in a few more days he'll like me more (i hope). tiernan is busy being a superhero, but not too busy to cuddle up with me and hold my hand when we cross the street. man, i missed my people. took the max yesterday for the first time, and it was super fun. saw a crazy, funny horror film, ate some delicious things, and today we have even more planned.

in the three days i've spent in portland i've felt more at home than in the year+ i lived in colorado. i don't think i ever would have appreciated that this much if i hadn't gone, though. i feel positively grateful.

we thought we'd know more about pop's cancer yesterday, but mom is telling me that he needs more tests. i don't know if i can believe her or if she's just trying to make me feel better. i wasn't going to come down to portland when i found out he was sick but she practically pushed me out of the house. i think they wanted a few days alone to process this, and i don't blame them for that. while i'm having a fun time here in the rose city part of me does feel guilty i'm not there with them. at the same time i know they worry more when they see me stomping around the house, frowny and anxious. i go home on monday, when dad has more tests, and i guess until then i just do what i'm doing and hope for the best and wait and see. the waiting is so fucking lame, that's what's hardest to deal with right now. not knowing exactly what's going on, knowing that the longer it takes them to figure it out the higher the chances are that they aren't going to say, "oops! we made a mistake, go home, so sorry!" limbo is just not a fun place to hang out.

p.s. real internet, not dial-up is delightful. it's fan-fucking-tastic to be frank. I LOVE IT.

my boys are all so big! being in portland feels amazing. how on earth did i leave? jeez.

on the ferry, on my way to the mainland! my new car is funny: turquoise green and totally an old lady. it's not fast or pretty, but she runs!

my dad has cancer and we still got into a fight!

cherry 1, originally uploaded by pinprick.

what i left out of yesterday's post was that we know it's cancer; when they went in to look at his lymph node they figured that out pretty quickly. they removed the mass (which was honestly big, it freaked me out more than anything), and the lymph node, and then poked around to see if they could find anything else. i knew something was up when mom and dad had been gone for more than a few hours. the procedure was minor and early in the morning, it should have taken a couple of hours and then they should have been home around noon. the later it got, the more worried i got, but i still didn't believe any of this was real until this morning.

mom had been preparing me for all the different things it could be since i came home. i knew something had been going on, but was kept in the dark until the last possible moment. i think the only reason they told me anything at first was because the day pop had to go in for his initial biopsy results i insisted on tagging along. "oh, you're going into town? can i come? i need a set of knitting needles." thinking back on it now, if i had been dad i would have been slightly annoyed when i pouted that we couldn't stop at the yarn store first. he's going in for potential disastrous test results, and his kid is fussy she can't knit while he's in there. lovely! gosh, i'm a great kid. in my defense, i didn't know he'd had the first needle biopsy then. i thought we were seeing his doctor about allergy medication, and was genuinely irked at having to wait to get my needles. after mom told me what was really going on i felt like an ass.

the thing is, we know it's lymphoma, but we don't know what kind. there's a very good chance it just means some radiation/chemo, or a combo of the two, and he's fine. cancer in general isn't cool (did i just say that? am i retarded?!), but he could have a very easily treatable kind of it, and while the treatment isn't going to be fun, it will probably be okay. pop is worried about losing his hair, my sister is in the midst of a freak-out, but mom is being super-stoic. she called me from the hospital to tell me before they came home, and said in her practical-mom way, "if you need to freak out, please do it before we get home. i don't want you upsetting your father." i wasn't allowed to call my sister, so i called the next best thing, anne; i had to try the word "lymphoma" out loud to see if i could say it, and she advised me to stay off-line for a while so i wouldn't be tempted to look up worst-case-scenarios.

for the most part, dad has been in a great mood since the surgery. he's happy he woke up from the anesthesia, and is still on some pain pills. mom thinks this is why he's so pleasant, but he's not like us and doesn't take pills for fun. he got some tylenol 3 and has taken like two of them, whereas my sister or i would have taken as many as we could. we got into an argument tonight about registering my new car (i think it can wait four days, he wants me to do it NOW), and while i felt guilty, i was also relieved. he's still my pop. cancer or no cancer, he's always going to think i'm slightly (!) inept at being a grown-up, and i'm going to bristle at his overbearing nature on occasion. i don't expect some sort of hallmark moment from this. we'll always clash in some ways, and love each other in our own way. that's what being a family is about, isn't it? lymphoma isn't going to turn us into the brady's, and i'm happy about that. my people are more fun anyhow.

i could watch old episodes of the twilight zone for days! man, i love this show. hooray for cable tv!

the only way i can get from here to there

me dad christmas 2, originally uploaded by pinprick.

pop's routine surgery went very routine-y. he was freaked out about going under all the way, and who can blame him? he's had a variety of surgical things done, and all of them he's stayed awake through because he's convinced he will go out like a light and stay that way. needless to say, he's pretty pleased that didn't happen. they took out his entire lymph node (it was scheduled to be just a biopsy), though, and we have more tests to go through and more doctors to talk to. i say "we" but it's really mom and dad going through this. they are the grown-ups; my sister and i are in our own orbit, with one of us doing a lot of crying and one of us saying, "no way" and looking around blankly. frankly, i thought i'd be the one weeping but oddly enough i am just stunned into quietness. dad is in a good mood, thanks to not being killed by the anesthesiologist, and all there is left to do is wait some more and let the doctors and experts figure some shit out. at this point it could go either way and while normally i am a big fan of playing the "what if?" game, this time i just can't. i can only wrap my brain around one possible scenario, and it involves us all laughing heartily and eating dinner. to even think there might be another scenario is like someone knocking the wind out of me or that fuzzy eye feeling right before you throw up. the wait is awful and i hope it ends up that this is just another post we forget about in a few days, that i don't have to grow up all the way just yet, that i can stretch this ridiculous extended adolescence out a few months more. i like having a dad, i want to keep it that way.

for eric

lo siento, originally uploaded by pinprick.

it's sad to know he has one now, i felt better knowing he didn't. however, once he and joolie get a house they love, they can sink the cell phone in a lake or something, and that will undoubtedly be satisfying.

sorry, eric! i hope you only have it for a few months.

morticia addams does an awful lot of knitting on the tv show. i knew i liked her for a reason...

early morning on ferry

early morning on ferry, originally uploaded by pinprick.

which really doesn't do much to distinguish it from yesterday or the day before or even the day before that. napping is my new favorite pastime. i remember being a kid and using naps as a way to "fast-forward" through stuff that bored me. i could will myself to fall asleep anytime and anyplace, so i could wake up and have it be later. man, i was a genius.

pop is having a routine surgery on tuesday. it would be more of a routine if we'd seen it coming, but whatever. he's having some issues with his lymph node and they want to go in and cut a piece out to make sure he's okay. the chances are good it's nothing, but i admit i'm glad to be here. he won't need me for anything thanks to mom, but i feel better knowing i'm close by. of course by close by i mean "in the sewing room" or "sometimes in the den."

my mom is buying me a car, which is both a total relief and a massive amount of new guilt to carry around. she jokes with me by reminding me that i'm just spending my inheritance early, but we know who the real joke is on seeing as i don't have one to spend. maybe my grandmother will leave me some money when she dies. then i can give it back to mom. of course, i'm not holding my breath on that one. the woman doesn't know my middle name, why would she leave me any money? plus, i think she doesn't have any (just like the rest of us!). is talking about money and death gauche? am i the only one who thinks these things? hmmm. anyhow, the point is i'm getting a car and while i'm excited about it because it makes me a little more independent, i'm also totally aware of how ridiculous it is for a 30 year old to have her mom buy her a car. when did i become such a loser? was i always inching toward this and missed the warning signs? i saw a kid i went to high school with and actually really liked the other day and could not for the life of me bring myself to acknowledge that i even saw him, much less stop to talk, because i am so painfully embarrassed about my life right now. people ask all the time what i do and when i tell them i don't they want to know what i want to do and i say things like "trader joe's" and "ikea" and they look at me like i'm fucking crazy. they ask nicely and delicately if i wouldn't rather do something with my degree and i shrug and say "not really." there's no point in mentioning that my degree is worthless because then we have to talk about why i did it and being drunk and getting tattooed is one thing but being drunk and getting a degree in cultural anthropology is another. some folks want to have the "what would you do if you could do anything?" hypothetical conversation, but that just depresses me. it always entails more school or training, more money, more time, and just serves to remind me of all the little ways i fucked up to get to the place i'm at now. i have don't anything seriously fucked-up like get knocked-up in a one night stand, or commit credit card fraud, or done drugs that involve needles and/or battery acid, but even doing the things i was supposed to do didn't make me immune from moving back in with my parent's and having a massive amount of debt that i will be paying off from the grave. being a loser is totally exhausting.

i might need to get off the island. i'm beginning to terrify myself.

(i have been trying to post this for three days. three days! blogger fucking hates the internet connection at my parent's house. fine, i hate you too, blogger. i'm hoping i can use flickr to bypass it.)

daddy doesn't like it when i drink! sucks to be him, and lord knows i'm not even drunk.

pop does not like of having drinks. i an almost 30 and it still annoys him. i rule!

flashback

listening to the end's flashback sunday morning. man, i used to love this show. weekend radio is mainly comprised of nothing but NPR but in high school i used to take four hours out of my public radio diet for flashback sunday. the host is the same, and the show is just as great. being home at times like this totally rules.

blogger hates the island. i've written post after post, quickly saving them, logging in & out, trying to get them published before it craps out.

it's 5 at night, and my pop just made ANOTHER pot of coffee. jealous? you should be.

on striking and breathing

on the island i wake up insanely early. if i'm not up at 7 in the morning i'm surprised. this is mainly due to my allergies; i either can't breathe or wake up with my fists in my eyes, rubbing furiously. today it was both, which was DELIGHTFUL. i joke. i know once i get used to the pollen and mold and puppy i'll be fine, but until then i will be a red, puffy mess, complaining often.

the strike yesterday was fun in a socialist-flag-waving way. i took some photos, which i would show you if i didn't have to re-create the internet every time i use it. maybe tomorrow i will go into town and find a faster connection with pop's laptop or something. the internet out here is a lot like fred flinstone's car.

next week i hope to take a train to portland to see my peeps, and later this week i'm hoping to finally see what i came home for: uwajimaya.

i was up before 5 am! being red is hard work. mom and i are on our way to olympia to strike for more money for mental health care. whoo!

i got locked out of the house by my pop. lucky for me i had my knitting and there are coffee shops in town.

my day in medication

1. wake up, blow nose. stumble out of bed, take an alavert.
   
2. take shower. after shower, use flonase.
   
3. laster in day if still itchy, take a sudafed.
   
4. before bed, take a zyrtec.
   

i love my little brother, i love the island, i love how green and beautiful everything is, but DAMN. i am allergic to it all. i am a sneezy mess all day, and when i'm not sneezing i'm blowing my nose or searching frantically for something to catch the nasal drip with. my pockets are full of half-used tissues, my eyes are pink and everyone who calls says, "are you sick?" in a few days my body will re-adjust to the allergens in the area, but until then i'm a mess. good times.

*i'd use my neti pot if it weren't in a box on it's way across the country as we speak. maybe i'll buy a new one, and then sterilize it and keep it as a "guest" pot when i get settled. i can't believe i packed it up and didn't take it with me! that was dumb of me.

hat!

this is the hat i knit for my friend justin this week. it's a very basic hat, just 4x1 rib stitch, with a few cables thrown in for texture. i wasn't going to make him a hat until this fall, because who needs a hat now? no one. it was the yarn that did it for me; it was too pretty to leave in the store, and i needed an excuse to buy it. it would have taken a few nights watching tv to make, if i didn't rip it out like three times getting it just how i wanted it. i have an average sized head, let's hope he does too. as far as the length goes that will be more of an issue; thanks to all the ribbing this would probably fit a pumpkin.

i kept track of the pattern as i went along, and here it is (albeit a little haphazard!):

Justin's Beanie
Used: size 6 circular needles (16 inches in length), size 6 dpns at the end, one stitch marker and a needle to weave in the ends.

Used a yarn marked “aran,” basically a heavy worsted weight.

Cast on 120 stitches.

Work in a K1, P1 rib for 4 rows.

Switch to K4, P1 rib.

A few inches into the hat I used a very basic cable pattern twice. I didn’t write down where I did them or how many stitches between them, because they were sort of random. Just put them where you want to, or leave them out. I used a Cable 4, to the front style.

At about 6 inches (I think technically I went about 6.25 inches) start your decreasing.

Round 1: *K1, K2tog, K1, P1, repeat from *.

Round 2: K3, P1 around.

Round 3: *K1, K2tog, P1, repeat from *.

Round 4: K2, P1 around.

K2tog all stitches the next few rows, until you are left with 6 stitches left. You will probably switch to DPNs or double circs at this point, because the work is little. At 6 stitches, cut a tail and thread it through them and tie off. Weave all ends in, block lightly if needed, then wear!