early morning on ferry

early morning on ferry, originally uploaded by pinprick.

which really doesn't do much to distinguish it from yesterday or the day before or even the day before that. napping is my new favorite pastime. i remember being a kid and using naps as a way to "fast-forward" through stuff that bored me. i could will myself to fall asleep anytime and anyplace, so i could wake up and have it be later. man, i was a genius.

pop is having a routine surgery on tuesday. it would be more of a routine if we'd seen it coming, but whatever. he's having some issues with his lymph node and they want to go in and cut a piece out to make sure he's okay. the chances are good it's nothing, but i admit i'm glad to be here. he won't need me for anything thanks to mom, but i feel better knowing i'm close by. of course by close by i mean "in the sewing room" or "sometimes in the den."

my mom is buying me a car, which is both a total relief and a massive amount of new guilt to carry around. she jokes with me by reminding me that i'm just spending my inheritance early, but we know who the real joke is on seeing as i don't have one to spend. maybe my grandmother will leave me some money when she dies. then i can give it back to mom. of course, i'm not holding my breath on that one. the woman doesn't know my middle name, why would she leave me any money? plus, i think she doesn't have any (just like the rest of us!). is talking about money and death gauche? am i the only one who thinks these things? hmmm. anyhow, the point is i'm getting a car and while i'm excited about it because it makes me a little more independent, i'm also totally aware of how ridiculous it is for a 30 year old to have her mom buy her a car. when did i become such a loser? was i always inching toward this and missed the warning signs? i saw a kid i went to high school with and actually really liked the other day and could not for the life of me bring myself to acknowledge that i even saw him, much less stop to talk, because i am so painfully embarrassed about my life right now. people ask all the time what i do and when i tell them i don't they want to know what i want to do and i say things like "trader joe's" and "ikea" and they look at me like i'm fucking crazy. they ask nicely and delicately if i wouldn't rather do something with my degree and i shrug and say "not really." there's no point in mentioning that my degree is worthless because then we have to talk about why i did it and being drunk and getting tattooed is one thing but being drunk and getting a degree in cultural anthropology is another. some folks want to have the "what would you do if you could do anything?" hypothetical conversation, but that just depresses me. it always entails more school or training, more money, more time, and just serves to remind me of all the little ways i fucked up to get to the place i'm at now. i have don't anything seriously fucked-up like get knocked-up in a one night stand, or commit credit card fraud, or done drugs that involve needles and/or battery acid, but even doing the things i was supposed to do didn't make me immune from moving back in with my parent's and having a massive amount of debt that i will be paying off from the grave. being a loser is totally exhausting.

i might need to get off the island. i'm beginning to terrify myself.

(i have been trying to post this for three days. three days! blogger fucking hates the internet connection at my parent's house. fine, i hate you too, blogger. i'm hoping i can use flickr to bypass it.)