rose city rebels

flower bobby pins, originally uploaded by pinprick.

aaron's friend, rich, thinks they should start a motorcycle club and call it something dangerous. i think they should be the angry clouds, and i even drew him a picture of it so he could see, but he was not buying it. rose city rebels is a good name, but it just doesn't sound tough enough to me. grumpy clouds, on the other hand, are totally fierce.

spending time with all the folks i know in portland kicked ass. henry did warm up to me, and by the time i left he was a cuddly little mess of fun. last night right before we came home from mema's house i picked tiernan up to hug him, and he put his arms around my neck and told me he loved me. i just wanted a hug from the little man, but that totally made my day. who are we kidding? it made my week. i got to see a little of jude, but he was busy with his grandparents for part of the weekend too. good news, he's going to be a big brother! i'm not sure he understands what that means, but he seemed happy about it this afternoon. i've been dying for him to know, because i want to talk about it all the time! i've already got a good start on his new brother or sister's baby blanket and quilt. driving around town and seeing the sights was also great; i've always been fond of portland but i really do feel like moving there is a good idea now. it's a comfortable place. everyone i know there i like, and getting to see tiernan and henry and jude on a regular basis is like icing on the cake.

the drive home was fine. i stopped in chehalis and took a tiny nap, though. i ate my first burgerville burger and it just knocked me out cold. the nice thing about stopping, though, was that it put me in seattle exactly during rush hour traffic. i know that sounds like a bad thing, but it gave me a chance to stop at the happiest place on earth, uwajimaya, and wait it out. yay! i didn't get anything too crazy, and didn't spend too much money, but had a blast wandering through the aisles and then eating some onion tofu. good times.

now i'm home, and to be perfectly honest, i wish i wasn't. mom is being a total jerk, which i'm going to chalk up to her anxiety about dad. even if it's not about me directly, it still sucks. tonight she made a very pointed comment about how she never wanted either one of her kids to move back home, and then later she said she was sad i was leaving but hoping to visit me a lot in portland. okay. mom spent a lot of time encouraging me to come home the past few months; it's true the timing for it was right, but i would have never come back this soon if she hadn't been so enthusiastic about it. i am staying here, but i don't think spending a few weeks at home while i get my shit together is the same as moving back in, and it feels unfair to me that she would put it like that. i don't want to move back in with her or pop any more than they want me to, if we all had our way i'd have a job and place to stay as soon as possible! it's not like it's awful to be here, but i'm used to being on my own just like she and dad are used to having the house to themselves. i feel like we're all fussy and fighty with each other right now because we're all kind of freaked out in our own ways, and as close as we are we all process things at our own speed and take our time to put it into words. you never want to get into a fight with us if you are an immediate, "lets talk this out," sort of person. we are slow like turtle when it comes to saying out loud, "this is freaking me out" or "you are pissing me off." once you say something it is out there FOREVER, no taking it back, and so we don't rush. most of the time i'm okay with that, even a little proud, but right now i'm just tired of feeling tense and nervous. in television and movies cancer is so easily diagnosed, and people start making plans and keeping a stiff upper lip and hugging each other and shit, but in real life we're all just hanging around the house, waiting for the other shoe to drop and acting like jerks.