sneaky

green flowers, originally uploaded by pinprick.

with all the sleep i got today, it's no wonder i'm up at three in the morning. i normally pass out on the couch after mom and pop go to bed, then stumble to my room at about one or two, being awake this late is unusual for me here. like it or not, i've adjusted to my folk's sleep schedule.

they won't tell me anything, and get all fussy when i ask, so i've taken to snooping to find out what's going on with my dad. i take stock of medications, look them up on-line to figure out what they are, if they're cancer related, try to figure out if they've known about this longer than they're saying. that makes it sound like i think my parents are liars, but it's not that; they just don't always tell my sister and i stuff. omission, not out-and-out, bald-faced lying, is more their style. i think pop starts chemo next month, but if anyone's ever read a medical document, they know how confusing they can be. might be radiation. could be just a check-up. who knows? i just have to wait and see.

mom wants to take a few days off next week or the week after, go down to portland and visit some of her friends. i think all the worry has her exhausted (she won't admit it, but i don't think she's sleeping), and her friends also happen to be doctors she can talk to. my sister and i are not good at reassuring her. we try, but i don't think any kid is much comfort to their parents. it's not just my dad she's worried about, it's her family. two kids with their own stupid dramas and a husband who's sick. she is our grown-up, the adult, the responsible one in our family, and if i were her i'd be very sleepy. (or drunk.) i can't begrudge her the right to be snippy at me sometimes. it sounds impossibly corny, but she's the glue that holds us together, the bologna in our sandwiches, the center of our wheel. we might squabble amongst each other, but we all go to her. we'd be lost without her. that's enough to tire any woman out.

for now i'll just keep quiet and keep my eyes and ears open. they don't try to hide things very well; it's not like i have to break into locked desk drawers to get answers to some questions, or listen outside locked doors to hushed conversations. they don't want to talk about it right now so i'm not going to push it. and really, what is knowing all the tiny details going to do for me? it won't make the cancer less cancerous.

more waiting. no one ever tells you about the waiting.