rainy days

this morning at work i was reading a book i bought the boychik for his birthday (i know! i'm awful!), which is this awesome compilation of stories loosely written in a lovecraft style. i picked it up for a few reasons, one being that the boy has been into lovecraft lately. the other being that i am a sucker for anything ellen datlow edits. i never thought i'd be nerdy enough to say i have a favorite editor, but there you have it. i do, and her name is ellen. anyway, i let him read the first story before absconding with the book, so i'm not a total jerk. back to my story; i was reading, it was raining and i was drinking tea and thinking about how much i'm hating this summer rain storm we've been having. we had enough nice weather to get me excited about summer (or even a late spring) and now we've had nothing but deluge and gloom for weeks. i started thinking and i thought, "rainy days and lovecraft always get me down..." which i think would be an awesome song parody. if you want to steal my idea, go ahead. you owe me, though.

the kids get out of school in two days. one of them has a summer job lined up, and it's not the kid you might think. it's the girlchild! i know, crazy. the past few weekends her grandpa has found all sorts of work in his garden for her to do, and she's been digging in the dirt, planting stuff, mowing and helping out, and she's been making bank. stranger still, she really enjoys it. score! trying to talk to the boychik about his summer plans, on the other hand, is a bit like asking him anything about his personal life. which is to say, kind of difficult and involves a lot of sighing and eye rolling (on my part). we've already let him know that we don't expect him to get anything even remotely full time, we won't force him to do something that will make him cut his hair, and he can even pick up a volunteer gig. he just can't stay home all summer cultivating a laptop tan. he must get out of the house at least a few days a week. for my own sanity. there aren't a ton of options out there, i realize, but i'm sure we can find him something. cross your fingers!

16 years

yesterday was the boychik's birthday. he turned the big one-six. i admit i love having a semi-step-kid that age because when i casually mention my sixteen year old, everyone goes "no way! you look great!" and i'm all, "yeah, i'm a hot mom." hee hee... and while technically i'm old enough to be the boychik's bio-mom, but i am kind of glad i got him later in life. i would have been a terrible mom at sixteen, and the boy would have been named something crazy.

we also realized yesterday that for a few months i'm exactly sixteen years older than he is. spooky.

i have to say, i'm pretty glad D hooked me up with such awesome kids.

maybe get some powder for that dude...

my coworker mike, pulling a patient out of the bore for his injection: "how are you doing in there?"

patient, way too loud because he's got earplugs in: "my balls itch!"

rainy day bbq

yesterday we had our first barbeque of the season. we've had a terribly rainy week up in here northwest washington, but sunday was supposed to be nice. when we woke up, there was a whole lot of sun and my little family and i set to work in the backyard. our back patio was covered with the remains of a plum tree that inexplicably split itself in half at the end of last summer, and our yard qualifies at a nature preserve at this point. the grass is so tall you can lose a toddler out there. we have a path cut out to the compost heap, but that's about it. we got the patio all cleared off, the outside table scrubbed free of mold and gunk (that was my fun job), and the smoker/grill all set up. then the rain started! lucky for us, we have a pop-up canopy, so we just hung out under that all day. it was a small barbeque anyway; just us, my mom and niece, and a friend of the boy's. we still made way too much food, and sent some home with mom. i have to say, it's fun being able to send her home with leftovers instead of the other way around.

we've been playing around with our smoker, and probably will have a lot more in the way of family get togethers so we can feed people our experiments. so far we've made pizza, pork and beef ribs, and turkey legs. beef ribs weren't our favorite; the taste was good, but the ratio of meat to bone is sad. i love the turkey legs; they look all prehistoric and ridiculous, but a long cooking breaks down much of the connective tissue, and they don't need much in the way of seasoning. an simple overnight brine and they are good to go. my outdoor pizza technique needs some work, but the pizzas themselves were tasty. one time we made pork ribs with a random rub, and even though they were way too salty, they still got eaten, which is a testament to how awesome pork is. D found a website with a lot of modifications you can make to a simple grill like ours to maximize its efficiency, and we've used some of the tips. we still have some mods to make, but so far we've got a good thing going. maybe you'll come over this summer and help us try out a new recipe or two...

so much going on

this weekend was pleasantly busy. i went to the island on saturday morning, to go to the farmer's market with my mom and aunt (and maggie!). after that, we poked about town, getting ready for a dinner over at my aunt's house later. it was a very informal affair, and pretty much exactly what i needed. we spent the night looking at old photos of my uncle, talking about him, catching up. mom and i had to leave a little earlier than we wanted because maggie was a bit overstimulated, but i was glad to get to spend some time with my people. today was the formal wake, which was a service held at the local VFW. most of the guests came dressed in flannel shirts; if there was one thing my uncle loved, it was a well-worn flannel plaid. it was nice to look out over the crowd and see all the shirts. the service was short and sweet, and i think what made me cry the most was when my cousin's son crawled up into her lap and started kissing her because she was crying. i remember maggie taking my sister's face in her hands at the funeral and saying over and over, "no crying, mama, no crying" while kissing her. it must be bewildering for a kid to see a parent so sad. in all, it was a nice but bittersweet weekend. after the service, D and i took maggie to the park to play for a while before filling her with a cinnamon roll and taking her home.

in other news, important news, weird news, the wedding has been postponed. not called off! and this honestly isn't one of those "let's stall for a while before we can really break up" sort of things. i have some financial things that need to be sorted out (i.e. DEBT), and after a few long, productive, mildly freaky conversations, we both agree that waiting until i get that settled is for the best. i meet with a lawyer soon to start hammering things out, and after that gets going, we'll set another date. when we first starting talking about this, i was pretty angry. i think that's a normal reaction, and i was worried that this meant that D didn't really want to marry me. even if you're waiting for all the right reasons, and being prudent and responsible, saying that you're putting things on hold isn't any one's first choice, i don't think. i admit i was shallow enough to also be worried about what my mother would think, and my friends and family, but the response has been great. i still love D, i still want to be his wife, but i also want to protect his assets and make sure that we don't start our marriage running from creditors. taking care of this now also means when the kids go to college (and one isn't that far off) we'll be in a better place to help them out, which is important to me. if i had thought in college (when i accrued this dismal debt) that it would make my wedding have to wait, i might not have been such a jackass with my credit cards. although to be honest, in college i wasn't sure i'd ever grow up and get married, and i thought i'd have a job that paid more by now. c'est la vie, dudes. the good news is i have a lot more time to make all manner of crafty decorations for the wedding, and that dress i'm not totally in love with doesn't have to be my wedding dress anymore. i feel really good about our decision. in a weird way, i feel closer to D too. this could have been a gigantic fight, a clusterfuck of epic proportions, nothing but hurt feelings and pride; but we worked it out together. like the team we are.

i'm still here

you can be a crazy feminist and love mickey avalon at the same time, right? because i looove mickey avalon, but also rage against shaving my legs and losing my hyphenated last name in marriage. i can't help that i love his dirty rapping! i'm telling you, there's more than one 15 yr old boy living in this house; i let the boychik listen to "my dick" (which is just as ridiculous and raunchy as it sounds) and we giggled like dorks while bobbing our heads.

i made it through a week without crying at work or setting anything on fire. i suppose since it's only thursday i should wait until tomorrow to make that statement, but i like to live my life right on the edge of things, as you can plainly see. my uncle's party-which-shall-not-be-called-a-wake happens this weekend. i'l be glad to be wtih my family for a few days, even if it isn't for the happiest of reasons.

i didn't want to walk today (because for me grief involves couches, beer and long showers), but i have to say, it does me some good to get all stompy and hot and sweaty. my butt hurts, though. my legs seem stronger lately too, which is a weird and awesome feeling. i find that as much as i drag my feet and procrastinate with the exercising, once i'm in the swing of things, and afterward, i feel good. those endorphins health articles are always extolling might actually exist after all. shit, who knew shape had anything of value to offer a girl?

the waiting was truly awful. i spent all day today antsy and on the phone trying to figure out what was going on, but getting nowhere. i slept for shit last night (three hours! maybe four! whoo!) and after i got home mom finally answered the phone and told me what the hell what going on. my uncle passed away at about 8 this morning, with his children and wife by his side. from what i gather, it was as peaceful as it could be.

even though i knew in part of my brain that he wasn't going to get better, the part of me that was still hoping he'd wake up and be fine reacted badly to the news. no matter when someone you love dies; suddenly, or you get some time to anticipate it, you're never really ready, are you?

there are going to be too many women at family holidays now. dammit, guys.

after i got the news, i had a tuna melt with the boychik, then went to bed. i didn't realize how tired i was, and so i read and napped on and off until D got home. there won't be a funeral, per my uncle's wishes, so a party will be organized in it's place. i don't think anyone wants to call it a wake, but that's pretty much what it is. i would just like to hide out in bed for a few more days, but i'm not sure that's an option.

my uncle was awesome. he gave me my first real job, at his bead store. he helped me pick out my first car. he was funny and smart and had a wicked sense of humor. he was madly in love with my aunt. he was my pop's best friend. they met in the navy and cobbled together a family; both were far away from their own, but saw something in each other that they recognized. i don't remember he or my aunt not being a part of my life. they've always been supportive of me, and it always made me so proud that we got to be part of the same family. uncle john always made me feel smarter, and way more talented than i probably am. when i was a teenager, he and my aunt were the grown-ups i looked to for overt advice and guidance. you know how when you're that age and everything your parents say is wrong and dumb and retarded, but you've got an aunt and uncle who can say the same thing and suddenly it doesn't seem so moronic? that was them. when my father passed, my uncle was the most reasonable about it, and oddly comforting. he told me that he knew it sucked, that he knew i was sad and miserable and missing him, but that death was a part of life and that he knew my dad, and knew he was happy with how he had lived his life. he did shots of tequila with me in the kitchen and told me i was going to be okay, and i believed him.

i was okay then, and i'll be okay now, but it doesn't mean i won't miss the hell out of both of them.

this tuesday night i got a call that my uncle was in the ICU. that morning he'd fallen into a coma after his kidneys and liver started shutting down. what they thought was MDS and perhaps cirrhosis of the liver was actually a fast acting, aggressive liver cancer. there was a tumor that essentially shut the blood supply to his liver and kidneys off. it happened so quickly that he was only lucid and awake for about an hour after being admitted to the hospital. my aunt was worried about telling my mother, sister and me, and so she didn't call us until late that night. my sister and i went to the hospital right away, and my mother drove up from portland that night as well. the next day my uncle's brothers and his daughter flew into town from new york. we knew he hadn't been feeling well, obviously, but the tests he'd been having were all inconclusive or vague at best. the CT scans and MRI's didn't show the cancer, and he had some other health problems that probably clouded his diagnosis. at this point, he's as comfortable as he can be, and we're just all waiting.

the limbo part of this is difficult. on one hand, i'm glad i got to be with him a few more times, on the other hand, the coma makes it impossible to know if he's okay; i worry about him being in pain or uncomfortable. his doctors are amazing, though, and when i saw him tonight he seemed a lot more peaceful than he did that first day. the doctor doesn't think he'll make it through the night, his kidneys have shut all the way down and his breathing is getting slower and slower. this is just very, very lame. to say the least.

cancer can go fuck itself.

(and just so you know, mother's day was super nice. may made me a really pretty ceramic heart that hangs on the wall and holds a flower or note. it's terribly adorable, and the note she put inside just about killed me. awesome! )

honestly...

all this talk of moms and mother's day has got me feeling weird. i am not technically a mom, and the sort of mom i'm going to end up being isn't really very june cleaver-y. if i'd just gotten pregnant and had kids, though, would i have been an ordinary mom? is there really any such thing?

sometimes i'm sad that i didn't become a mom in a normal, getting-pregnant-having-a-baby kind of way. other days, i love the kids enough that i forget i didn't grow them myself. they both refer to me as a "parent" and that's pretty fucking awesome for a girl who was seriously plotting her crazy cat lady phase.

i guess when it comes right down to it, i love them and they love me and who cares if i'm not a MOM-mom. i'm okay. they're okay. we have a home we're all happy to come back to, and dinner is our favorite part of the day. whatever is going on, it works. i need to stop over thinking it and just relax. i forget that no one gets to pick their kids, and no one gets to pick their mom. we're not a normal family, but whatever we are, i'm thrilled with. yeah, i'm not a mom-mom, i never grew a baby inside me, and the kids have a bio-mom out there somewhere, but the kids are awesome and well-adjusted, so i'm going to count that as a success.

insert foot in mouth, remove, use to kick ass

oh facebook, you fickle mistress. i posted some wise-ass comment about sandra bullock's new brown baby, and how ridiculous it was they dressed him up in beads, because you know, he's not actually from africa, and my future sister-in-law took offense and sent me an email about it. granted, she's a white woman with a brown baby too, and i think she thought i was making fun of the brown part of the photo, when really i was irritated at the beads and the whole "exotic baby as awesome new fashion accesory" attitude of the elite/famous. her question was "would you have made that comment if the baby were white?" and i said, "if that baby was white, there wouldn't have been any beads." i let her know that (and pointed out that thanks to having a brown pop, i am actually browner than she might realize), and i *think* she's less irriated with me, but DAMN. i started the day on an asshole note, let's hope i clean up my act by this afternoon when anne and henry gets here.

in other news, anne and henry are on a train on their way here as we speak! i'm excited to have them up for a few days. i plan on stuffing them full of food, showing them around, crafting like crazy old ladies, and then sending them home with cookies. i'm sad my man tiernan has to stay home, but he and his dad are probably going to enjoy their staycation.

on that note, i'm going to go clean the house so i don't give henry too many opportunities to poke his eyes out with something sharp, or put something filthy in his mouth. he's a smart three year old, but my house is kind of a mess.

nope. no. nuh-uh. no way.

does anyone else out there feel an intense feeling of shame when people mention an ex? i dated a guy for a while, not very seriously, and long enough ago that it really shouldn't bother me that he exists*, but whenever anyone mentions him i'm all "NO, i don't remember that." fingers-in-ears, "la la la laaa..." or else i cringe and turn bright red and think "really?! i thought he was a good idea?" i can even be all myself, get an email from a friend mentioning said unmentionable, and suddenly i'm blushing and my stomach is churning and i'm just so ridiculously embarrassed. which i guess is just proof that some people look better with a thin film of love/lust/beer smeared across my glasses. i can't figure out now what i saw in them then, but give me a six pack and a sappy movie and maybe i can recreate the emotion or reasoning. (or lack thereof.)

you would think that at 32, that sort of shit would just roll off me like water off a duck's back.* then i remember that at heart, i'm still way more 15 than i care to admit. dammit.

*i know you've got an ex that infuriates you with their continued existence. i can't be the only one thinking "how dare you?!"

**actual quote taken from an actual boy i used to make-out with in college. he ended up being slightly crazy and alcoholic and was an early entry on my list of "oh my god what was i thinking?"

trust me, it was delicious

even though i have no photo to show you! this recipe makes enough soup to feed four people, if they have a sandwich to go with and one of them isn't a 15 year boy. anyone who has one of those knows that there is never enough soup!

Curried Sweet Potato, Carrot and Coconut Milk soup

• one medium size sweet potato, peeled and cut into small-ish chunks
• two small or one medium carrot, peeled and cut into chunks about the same size as the sweet potato
• half a small onion, diced
• one can coconut milk
• two cups broth of your choice (chicken, veggie or water)
• splash of olive oil
• 1 1/2 to 2 tbs curry powder (depends on how you like it)
• 1/8 tsp of cayenne pepper (or more if you like)
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp ginger
• 1 tsp cardamom (at least, that's what i'm pretty sure was in that bag! it wasn't labeled.)
• salt and pepper

heat oil in bottom of heavy pan (or your soup pan). when it's hot, add the onions and cook until translucent. add liquid (broth or water), chopped veggie and spices. cover and simmer until veggies are soft, about 25 to 35 minutes. remove from heat, add can of coconut milk and use your immersion blender to blend it all down until it's as smooth or chunky as you like. taste and adjust seasoning (the coconut milk will sweeten and thicken the soup a bit, so if it seems kind of salty now, that's okay! remember, you can always add more curry, but you can't add less.). serve with a nice salad, or my new favorite thing, grilled pita wedges.

so ridiculously good! i made this recipe when i came home from work today, because there was some sort of curried coconut soup at work today that smelled amazing. it was a little pricey though, and i thought, "ooh, i can try to make that." so i did, although i didn't make too much because the kids and D don't really dig on indian curry. that being said, they all ate it up, and we have absolutely no leftovers. whoo! that always makes me feel like a rockstar.

blink, blink

at the hospital i work at, there's a woman in our department that i always thought was more like me than some of the others. we're about the same age, we both wear glasses, she likes the same kind of music i do, etc. evidently, though, i was kinda wrong about one thing: she's pretty seriously religious. i was telling my mom a story about how i figured this out, and how i didn't realize she was a proper, god-fearing, church-going woman until just recently. what i actually said was, "she doesn't look religious." that made her giggle and she asked how how she didn't look it, and i stuttered and said, "well, you know, she kind of looks like me." mom thought this was ridiculous and i learned i'm not the poster girl for atheistic aestheticism. dammit.

here's what made me realize how different we are; i was telling a story about how i won a gift certificate to a local restaraunt on the radio, and when i called home to see if the boychik had heard me i found that he wasn't actually listening to that station. which was odd, because that's normally what he does when he comes home from school, and of course the one day i'm on the radio winning shit, he's listening to something else. that something would be the black sabbath CD i put in his easter basket.

"you put what in his basket?!"
"a black sabbath cd! it was funny, and he's been wanting some sabbath."
"that's not funny."
"it's totally funny! black sabbath on easter sunday? it's hilarious!"
*crickets chirp, stink eye is given*

when i tried pointing out that sabbath isn't satanic, i got nothing but a blank stare. but come on! black sabbath on easter sunday is comedy gold! jeez. i guess it's a good thing i know she's not like me, because i bet telling her about buying the boychik a copy of the satanic bible wouldn't win me any points either. crazy.

heel, toe...

i signed up to participate in a marathon today. granted, i'm only walking the half-marathon, but still. my name was (is) on some serious paperwork that says i will be doing a marathon. when did i become this girl?! what the hell is going on? i won't run to catch the phone in the privacy of my own home, much less run or hustle my ass with anyone watching. physical exertion in public is something i avoid only slightly less than peeing my pant in public. truth be told, both ideas are terrifying to me. i don't want to be known at the woman who peed her pants any more than i want you to see the weird way my legs bend outward when i run.

what made me decide to associate myself with a marathon is that for this particular one you train in teams, and you get a coach to help you work up to being in the race. which means i'll get help getting into shape, from professionals who hopefully won't let me do something that will kill me either with a heart attack or death by embarrassment. it also raises money for leukemia and lymphoma research, and i like the idea of not only getting in better shape, but helping out a worthwhile cause at the same time. i'm honestly surprised at myself for going to tonight's meeting; i've already gone farther with this than i thought i would. it's a nice idea, me walking 13.1 miles with a bunch of other people, raising money to help fight against a cancer that made my pop sick, and maybe getting myself into better shape at the same time. no one would ever accuse me of being terribly ambitious, especially when it comes to exercise, but i feel optimistic about this. maybe with three awesome things going for it, this is something i can stick with and do. perhaps i can hide my ridiculous gait in a herd of other walkers and runners, maybe in a group i won't be so self-conscious. i suppose we'll see!

while i'm here, if you do any considerable walking or running, what kind of shoes do you like? i started doing some research on good walking shoes, and was quickly overwhelmed.

a few hippie things

• we're going to give up buying paper towels. yes, they are handy and useful and all that, but they are also wasteful and expensive. there is no shortage of kitchen towels in this house, and so we're going to start using them more.
• there has been talk lately about us becoming a one car family. this scares the shit out of me for a few reasons, but the idea of spending less on gas, insurance and maintenance is pretty compelling. we could also use the small amount of money we got from selling one of the cars for savings and to get us out of some debt. nothing is set in stone yet, but it feels good to consider our options.
• D got some books about making his own awesome bikes, a lá atomic zombie, and now all we can talk about are making recumbent, low-rider, chopper bikes. (and trikes! i want a trike for shopping.)
• as always, we're trying to cut back on tv as well. i know, "why don't you just cancel the cable?" honestly? sometimes i really like watching tv. i have a few shows i really dig, and i like being able to knit/embroider/veg in front of the box on occasion. i guess i'm just trying to keep it all in moderation, and so far it's going okay.
  

what in the blog?!

i recently broke up with twitter. not that anyone, including twitter, actually cared. i will admit, though, it felt good to break up with a social networking site that i just felt guilty about ignoring. i kind of feel like doing the same to facebook, but i like that my future mother-in-law is on there and i can send her dorky messages.

easter came and went and we ate lamb of god, latkes, and too much queso. i know, it was a weird meal. having it in my mom's newly remodeled house though, was awesome. she knocked down the kitchen walls, making the living/dining/cooking area a lot more open and comfortable to hang out in. she's also got swanky stainless appliances, an oak kitchen floor dyed red (!) and a lot more open space. it feels good to hang out there. this might be the last holiday she hosts for a while, and i don't blame her. since pop died she's done a lot to try to make holidays feel "normal," but i think it's time she was off the hook. holidays aren't like they used to be, and that is okay. if she wants to be the hosted rather than the hostess, then i say yay!

mom bought me some cool books about wedding planning as well, which made me realize just how far behind i really am. i have five months! maybe i should get to making invites and stuff. i have a lot of ideas for things i want to make for the wedding, and one of the books has a great place to set up a time line, so i'm going to try to be more organized. we'll see how that goes!

(up above is the very first lino cut i've ever made! i want to make some bunting for hanging up around the farm at the reception, and on some of the flags i'm going to stamp some acorns. i hope. i have to try this out and see how it works!)

spring forward

i keep saying i'm going to build my bookcase and move some stuff around, but it keeps not happening. instead, today i got a lot of things besides that done. i mopped the kitchen, i did a million loads of laundry, i made the bed with fresh, clean sheets, i went to costco with D, and i finished a pair of socks. those socks right up there. they're made with the leftover bits of yarn i had from all those shawlettes i made. i would have never set out to knit these socks with these colors, but i wanted to use up the leftovers, and you can never have enough pairs of socks. never. what's sick and wrong about this, though, is that now that i've finished a pair i want to cast on for another right this second. my brain is convinced that my sock needles can't just stay bare for a night or two! no, i must start a new pair right now. i'm going to do my best to resist the urge.

the bookcase might not be up, but i did get a lot more done today than i thought was possible. i was kind of making up for saturday, which i spent all hungover and stupid. i am too old for hangovers. i really can't do anything when i feel so shitty, and i did indeed feel shitty yesterday. vodka and i are friends, but we might need to take a little break. plus, i swear my mom only comes over when i'm hungover and i'm beginning to think she might think i have a problem. good times! there's nothing like a mother contemplating her daughter's possible dependence on booze.

and now my dears, i'm going to don a pair of medical gloves i swiped from work, and see if the black light i bought at home depot will show me which of my yarns are covered in mouse pee. wish me luck.

we. are. fam-il-y.

"i got all my sisters and me!"

spent a lot of time talking with both my sister and my mother tonight. there's a good reason we're all related. no matter how much i want to think i'm my own woman i know i am both a product of history and a result of it. it's funny to see how we pass it on as well...especially with my niece. she's the best reflection of us anyone could ask for. a better, sweeter, blonder version of ourselves doesn't exist. our ridiculous neurosis are also evident as well; she actually told me tonight she doesn't want to visit tomorrow because she's "covered in pimples." of course, she isn't, but she has a strange version of her physical self. my sister says she thinks goosebumps are pimples, and there's no talking her out of it. i finally convinced my niece that even if she were covered in pimples, that we're family, and we want to see her regardless.

i found out tonight that my one and only, and favorite, uncle is sick. he's got something that's not quite leukemia, as well as a funky spot on his liver. he's sick, for sure, but in good spirits. it's early in his diagnosis, and there's a good chance we can all contribute a little bone marrow or a liver lobe in order for him to feel better. i won't lie to you, it's been a little less than a year since my father passed, and this news hits me hard. i'm optimistic, but i was the same way when pop got sick, and if there's one thing i learned, it's that you can't will a person to get better. i don't believe in much, but if you want to send out good vibes for my uncle, i'll be thankful.

whew

all this unpacking and moving stuff around is quite exhausting. i'm not even remotely done, either. in fact, i'm sucking at staying focused. hence the blogging. i did get my old dresser into my room, and clear out the dresser i acquired from a co-worker for the girlchild. now we all have dressers! except the boychik, who prefers his clothes in random piles.

had a follow-up eye exam, and discovered that the contacts, not my eyes, were to blame for the weird dryness. the ones i have in now are so much more comfortable it's not even funny. i just thought my eyes were weird, because you know, i'm a little bit of a hypochondriac. it couldn't possibly be the contacts, it has to be some eye disease that's gone undiagnosed!

while it feels really good to have my stuff, i do wish a had a lot less of it. back to the unpacking for me!

speed and i are not friends,

but i need the sudafed because whatever is growing in my sinuses has a voracious appetite for pain. the longest i went between doses today was 8 hours, and near the end i didn't want any more, i wanted to sleep (amend that to present tense, dear, i want to sleep), but the pain in my head was too much. i took some, and now i am awake, my heart is jackrabbity, and i actually said the following things out loud today while dosed:

"my brain is all fertile with creative shit!"
"what a nice young juggalo."
"guess who's a landowner, bitches?!"

i went to work today which was good for me a in lot of ways. money being way #1. it wasn't terribly taxing, and now i'm back into my long weekend. for some reason my schedule was wonky, and the other patient coordinator was on deck for tomorrow. i could use the day to recoup; while i didn't die at work, or even pass out, i have hours that feel okay if sleepy, hours of crazy sped-up me after the little red pills, and that ridiculous "i'm too hot!" or "i'm too cold!" argument going on with my body. i discovered that another coworker had this same ailment, and while he was a lot tougher than me and worked right through most of it, the weird body-temp thing and aches stay around for a while. hooray.

i do have all sorts of creative ideas a' brewing up in my head. i can't get the new broken bell's song out of my head, so at night after everyone else is in bed and i'm still up, i listen to it on repeat on youtube and work on stuff. most of what i'm working on at the moment is just planning stages stuff, and to be honest, most of it is wedding stuff. working out what we need to get, what i want to do, time lines and lists and sketches! such fun stuff. the house is too full of unorganized things that are right in the way and threatening to trip, maim or infect us for me to do much at the moment; i'm hoping tomorrow i can at least get boxes into the garage, and start the giant "garage sale" pile.

late tonight D and i snuck out to jack in the box for chicken tenders, to go with our wing sauce (of course), and the nice young man who helped us had a name tag on that said "juggalo." part of the reason we like that jack in the box so much is that the night crew is ridiculous and funny and genuinely seem to enjoy that weird shift, and you see the most interesting kids there. D and i argued about whether or not our fine young juggalo looked like a little steve perry or no, and while i say the world would be a better place with a little more steve perry in general, D didn't see it. then i told him about this extremely NSFW clip on the youtubes concerning juggalos just today that sort of made our being served by Mr. Juggalo seem like fate.

before the high wears off, i did indeed become a landowner today as i inherited some land on the rez from my pop. actually, it's on more than one rez, but all in one state. pop said there was maybe enough there for him to be buried standing up, but evidently my half is almost 300 acres. way to undersell it pop! no word yet on whether it's inhabitable, valuable, or what our options are. i know he didn't make money on it, but i also don't recall him having to pay taxes on it. being that i am not a very good indian, i honestly don't know much more than that at this point, i just like bragging about how much land i own. even if it's swamp land or a parcel of hell, it's mine, and it's got an impressive number on it. more research needs to be done!

i'm going to go lie wide awake next to D now for a while until his snoring drives me to the couch. normally the snoring doesn't bug me, but while on cold medication i find it unbearable. mainly because it's like his nose bragging that he can't sleep and i can't. sleep tight my darling juggalos. (and you too!)