Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
last day, bitches!
of work, i mean. technically i am on the calendar for tomorrow, but with the rocket being muerto and no one who lives in my neck of the woods working tomorrow either, i am not going to come in. shitty? yes. however, i could use that day for packing. you know, if i ever actually get around to that.
the boy did not call me last night. therefore, he must hate me. this is why dating for me is so retarded; i invariably go for worse case scenario with everything. headaches equal brain cancer, the wrong song on the radio when i wake up is a portent for bad news to come, someone calls late at night and it's never a drunk dial it's always emergency, etc. so if he doesn't call, then he obviously totally hates me. the chances are also good i just called kind of late for him and he was finally sleeping off his cold.
tonight is my going-away party, and while i'm excited about going out with my friends i'm also kind of sad. calling everyone this week and getting everything ready i realized i have more friends in colorado than i thought i did. how did that happen? i'm also fairly sure i talked justin into buying me a corsage for tonight! i kept bugging him about it last night, telling him i wanted a pink wrist corsage for tonight, and he was like "why?" and i told him i just wanted him to buy me something pretty and stupid, and i like wearing flowers more than just looking at them. he's been balking, but then this morning i sent him a message reminding him he totally fell down on the job this christmas and therefore, HE OWES ME. i think i guilted him into it. he asked what color i wanted, i told him pink. i have a cute pink shirt i'm going to wear out tonight, and i plan on getting pleasantly tipsy and enjoying my friends.
i talked to tiernan van this morning, and he seems happy to have me coming home. i miss talking to him and laying around on the couch reading books with the little man. i've been having a lot of crazy dreams about home, about the ocean, about my friends and family. in a lot of ways i'm ready to go, but i didn't expect to feel sad about it. i honestly thought i would just burn all my bridges and go out giving colorado the finger, but i kind of want to hug it before i go. we're just a mismatched couple, nothing more. there are things i love about here, including the wide open spaces, the cheap beer, the kids, but i just love my people more. so yay! going home.
the boy did not call me last night. therefore, he must hate me. this is why dating for me is so retarded; i invariably go for worse case scenario with everything. headaches equal brain cancer, the wrong song on the radio when i wake up is a portent for bad news to come, someone calls late at night and it's never a drunk dial it's always emergency, etc. so if he doesn't call, then he obviously totally hates me. the chances are also good i just called kind of late for him and he was finally sleeping off his cold.
tonight is my going-away party, and while i'm excited about going out with my friends i'm also kind of sad. calling everyone this week and getting everything ready i realized i have more friends in colorado than i thought i did. how did that happen? i'm also fairly sure i talked justin into buying me a corsage for tonight! i kept bugging him about it last night, telling him i wanted a pink wrist corsage for tonight, and he was like "why?" and i told him i just wanted him to buy me something pretty and stupid, and i like wearing flowers more than just looking at them. he's been balking, but then this morning i sent him a message reminding him he totally fell down on the job this christmas and therefore, HE OWES ME. i think i guilted him into it. he asked what color i wanted, i told him pink. i have a cute pink shirt i'm going to wear out tonight, and i plan on getting pleasantly tipsy and enjoying my friends.
i talked to tiernan van this morning, and he seems happy to have me coming home. i miss talking to him and laying around on the couch reading books with the little man. i've been having a lot of crazy dreams about home, about the ocean, about my friends and family. in a lot of ways i'm ready to go, but i didn't expect to feel sad about it. i honestly thought i would just burn all my bridges and go out giving colorado the finger, but i kind of want to hug it before i go. we're just a mismatched couple, nothing more. there are things i love about here, including the wide open spaces, the cheap beer, the kids, but i just love my people more. so yay! going home.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
my short-lived colorado love life
i've always maintained a certain sense of privacy about my love life, or lack thereof, on my blog. it's true i like to point out how long it's been since i've been on a date and things like that, but details about specific boys i date are totally off-limits. i was in the shower this morning and thinking about that and wondering why i'm always so tight-lipped about that sort of thing, and the first thing that pops to mind is that talking or writing about something tends to jinx it. we all know how superstitious i am, and when good things are happening i try not to say anything lest it go sour. at the same time, this thing with this particular boy is jinxed right now anyhow, what with my impending move and all, so why not give you some details? besides, i'm kind of dying to talk about it. not literally, of course, but it's something i've been thinking about a lot and what the hell. it's not like i'm going to name him or anything, he doesn't know my blog exists, and this will give you the extremely rare glimpse into the part of my brain that deals with dating/boys/sex and love. (jeez, that was a long explanation. still reading?)
i met him five days ago. friends of the roommates had actually tried to set us up a few months ago, but the night we went out he was busy doing something else. these friends of friends are lovely people, and i thought it was sweet that they'd only met me once but liked me enough to want to set me up with their friend, but didn't think any more about it. last friday i got home in time to go out to dinner with my roommates, and on our way into town we called their friends and told them they should meet us. they brought tom* along.
we'd had a few drinks before meeting up with everyone for dinner, and at first i didn't pay much mind to him because they'd brought out the baby and i wanted to chew on her little cheeks and hold her tiny hands. he was cute, sure, but i wasn't looking, you know? i was wearing an old sweatshirt and my work pants still, i was moving in less than two weeks and didn't feel the need to impress him. dinner went on and on, we had all the courses and some more drinks and everyone very slyly sat us next to each other and one thing led to another and we were talking and talking and then kind of holding hands under the table and i can't even remember when it started. i think i was making a point and pushing on his knee and his hand just found mine and there it was. the friends with the baby had to take her home, and the rest of us continued going out. we went to this adorable pub named after my nephew (where my roommate and i conspired to steal a pint glass because it had his name on it. it's the perfect gift for a five month old, don't you think?), we went to this crazy karaoke/martini bar run by an old cowboy where i sang some bon jovi, we snuck kisses in when we thought no one was looking. i'd almost forgotten how fun it is to not be a third wheel.
i honestly just thought we'd make out and never see each other again. starting something so doomed seemed (seems) insane. i did stay the night at his house (i don't have a lot of time to play coy, and still don't), though, and the next morning instead of the awkward, "that was fun! see ya later!" he made breakfast, i called in sick to work, and we spent the rest of the day hanging out, napping on the couch and watching movies. he drove me home and made a date for the next day. since then, i've been trying to see as much of him as possible. i can't speak for him, but i get the same feeling from him.
even though i'm leaving soon, i feel like right now i just want to pack as much time with tom in as possible. i should be packing and labeling boxes, seeing the doctor one last time to use my insurance up, forwarding my mail, doing a million other things, but instead i like to make lists in my head of the things i like about him. i carry the phone with me from room to room in case he calls or sends me a text message, whereas before i ignored it and mildly resented it for reminding me of work. i worry if it's been a while between calls, and then feel stupidly elated when the phone rings and it's him on the caller id. of course, i don't call him because i am neurotic about the phone and don't call anyone, but i especially can't call him because everything i say is so impossibly stupid. there are gaps the conversation where you can only hear the hum of the phone, and the more i struggle for something witty or smart to say the longer the pauses last. i like to think of myself as independent and with enough self esteem not to worry too much about what other people think, but when he tells me i'm pretty i feel like i won some prize. the only people who've told me i'm cute in the past year have been people related to me, and hearing it come out of his face made me think, "really? you think so?" i like the way he holds my hand and opens up doors for me, i like stretching out in bed and pushing my foot up against his before falling back asleep, i like the spray of freckles he has on his collarbone and i even like his dog. he has dimples you could drive a truck into and for some reason i never realized how much i fucking love dimples, and his smile is wide and clear and he's not stingy with it. we talk about old horror movies and rob zombie, he tells me stories about the kids he works with (he's an elementary school teacher), and we talk about our families. we joke about our horrible timing, but not about the move itself. i can't say anything about it to him, it feels mean to me. i feel guilty about missing my people and home, and i don't want to know how he feels about it. either he's okay with it or he would rather i stay, and in both cases i'd end up feeling shitty. i want him to like me enough to want me to stay, but i can't expect it and shouldn't want it. it's a selfish thing, and let's assume he does want me to stay, what would i do about that? i can't even think about it, much less talk about it. ignoring it probably isn't the greatest strategy i've come up with, but it's the only one i have now.
this was the longest post ever. i hope it wasn't terribly boring for you. i promise the next time i talk about tom, i'll get to the point and won't spend so much time explaining every little detail. maybe. i'll try, anyhow.
*obviously, not his real name. oddly enough, i've never actually dated a tom, but my sister did in high school and i loved that boy.
i met him five days ago. friends of the roommates had actually tried to set us up a few months ago, but the night we went out he was busy doing something else. these friends of friends are lovely people, and i thought it was sweet that they'd only met me once but liked me enough to want to set me up with their friend, but didn't think any more about it. last friday i got home in time to go out to dinner with my roommates, and on our way into town we called their friends and told them they should meet us. they brought tom* along.
we'd had a few drinks before meeting up with everyone for dinner, and at first i didn't pay much mind to him because they'd brought out the baby and i wanted to chew on her little cheeks and hold her tiny hands. he was cute, sure, but i wasn't looking, you know? i was wearing an old sweatshirt and my work pants still, i was moving in less than two weeks and didn't feel the need to impress him. dinner went on and on, we had all the courses and some more drinks and everyone very slyly sat us next to each other and one thing led to another and we were talking and talking and then kind of holding hands under the table and i can't even remember when it started. i think i was making a point and pushing on his knee and his hand just found mine and there it was. the friends with the baby had to take her home, and the rest of us continued going out. we went to this adorable pub named after my nephew (where my roommate and i conspired to steal a pint glass because it had his name on it. it's the perfect gift for a five month old, don't you think?), we went to this crazy karaoke/martini bar run by an old cowboy where i sang some bon jovi, we snuck kisses in when we thought no one was looking. i'd almost forgotten how fun it is to not be a third wheel.
i honestly just thought we'd make out and never see each other again. starting something so doomed seemed (seems) insane. i did stay the night at his house (i don't have a lot of time to play coy, and still don't), though, and the next morning instead of the awkward, "that was fun! see ya later!" he made breakfast, i called in sick to work, and we spent the rest of the day hanging out, napping on the couch and watching movies. he drove me home and made a date for the next day. since then, i've been trying to see as much of him as possible. i can't speak for him, but i get the same feeling from him.
even though i'm leaving soon, i feel like right now i just want to pack as much time with tom in as possible. i should be packing and labeling boxes, seeing the doctor one last time to use my insurance up, forwarding my mail, doing a million other things, but instead i like to make lists in my head of the things i like about him. i carry the phone with me from room to room in case he calls or sends me a text message, whereas before i ignored it and mildly resented it for reminding me of work. i worry if it's been a while between calls, and then feel stupidly elated when the phone rings and it's him on the caller id. of course, i don't call him because i am neurotic about the phone and don't call anyone, but i especially can't call him because everything i say is so impossibly stupid. there are gaps the conversation where you can only hear the hum of the phone, and the more i struggle for something witty or smart to say the longer the pauses last. i like to think of myself as independent and with enough self esteem not to worry too much about what other people think, but when he tells me i'm pretty i feel like i won some prize. the only people who've told me i'm cute in the past year have been people related to me, and hearing it come out of his face made me think, "really? you think so?" i like the way he holds my hand and opens up doors for me, i like stretching out in bed and pushing my foot up against his before falling back asleep, i like the spray of freckles he has on his collarbone and i even like his dog. he has dimples you could drive a truck into and for some reason i never realized how much i fucking love dimples, and his smile is wide and clear and he's not stingy with it. we talk about old horror movies and rob zombie, he tells me stories about the kids he works with (he's an elementary school teacher), and we talk about our families. we joke about our horrible timing, but not about the move itself. i can't say anything about it to him, it feels mean to me. i feel guilty about missing my people and home, and i don't want to know how he feels about it. either he's okay with it or he would rather i stay, and in both cases i'd end up feeling shitty. i want him to like me enough to want me to stay, but i can't expect it and shouldn't want it. it's a selfish thing, and let's assume he does want me to stay, what would i do about that? i can't even think about it, much less talk about it. ignoring it probably isn't the greatest strategy i've come up with, but it's the only one i have now.
this was the longest post ever. i hope it wasn't terribly boring for you. i promise the next time i talk about tom, i'll get to the point and won't spend so much time explaining every little detail. maybe. i'll try, anyhow.
*obviously, not his real name. oddly enough, i've never actually dated a tom, but my sister did in high school and i loved that boy.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
hi jerks!
not you, the customers who come into the store. honestly, i've rolled my eyes so much today i think i strained an optic nerve. ow, it's hurts to hate people so much!i saw shortbus last night. aside from all the talk about the graphic sex i didn't know a ton about it, except that i do love john cameron mitchell. i don't know much about new york, or clubs where kids have sex all in one big room, but i've watched enough tv to know a sexual salon is plausible. completely, totally, intensely outisde of my range of experience, but i'm sure some people have group sex! or sex in from of other people! in any case, the sex itself wasn't nearly as porny as you might expect. i mean, it was sex and you got to see penises and vaginas and drag queens and vibrators, but it didn't feel cheap or like sex for the sake of sexy. porn tends to have a sense of the outrageous and is hyper-sexual, unlike real sex which is sometimes messy and funny and weird and not as loud. the stories about the characters were touching and easy to relate to, even though, as i've mentioned before i have no experience with orgies or sex in public places. i don't know, i liked the film quite a bit, it was funny and sweet and engaging, and just happened to have people fucking in it. i don't know that it would be everyone's cup of tea, especially if you are anti-queer sexiness, and i'm sure not everyone needs to see the sex in a film, but i thought it was refreshing. enough of the soft core sex in movies nowadays, all soft-focus pull-aways and innuendo. why not put a little porn in films? not all movies, of course, but really, what are we hiding from? the line between smut and art has always been blurry, so let's smudge it a little more. if we can put jenna jameson in mainstream films, why not let her (or any actress, really) do what she does best?
i don't know anyone else who's seen it, so if you have, i'd be interested to know what you think. i kind of want everyone i know to see it so i can talk about it with them. that's your cue!
creepy
saw dead silence last night, a movie i knew nothing about except it looked delightfuly cheesy and creepy. it had all the things i love in a horror film including scary dolls and donnie whalberg (who was really good!), but i had forgotten how fun it is to see a horror movie in the theater. behind us there was a group of teenage girls and boys, and at the especially intense parts they screamed and jumped and spazzed out, disolving into giggles when they quieted down. there were a few startling moments, to be sure, but i think i was more startled by them. it was fun. watching a scary movie on a big screen is totally different from watching it at home on my little tv, and i needed a palate cleanser so i came home and watched a decidedly non-horror film.
it was a fun night, and that's all you need to know. however, i think it's worth pointing out that i've had more fun in colorado this last month than i've had EVER here. maybe i expected too much from it here, and now that i expect nothing i can finally appreciate it. maybe i've been drinking more. maybe this is the last little trick colorado is playing on me. i have no idea. thinking about it makes me tired. i can't tell if it has bigger meaning or is just a coincidence.
it was a fun night, and that's all you need to know. however, i think it's worth pointing out that i've had more fun in colorado this last month than i've had EVER here. maybe i expected too much from it here, and now that i expect nothing i can finally appreciate it. maybe i've been drinking more. maybe this is the last little trick colorado is playing on me. i have no idea. thinking about it makes me tired. i can't tell if it has bigger meaning or is just a coincidence.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
the science of my sleep*
last night i had the craziest dream. i was at a state fair, with a wristband to see a concert later in the afternoon along with some friends. the state fair was reasonable enough; large, spread out, dusty, with a whole lot of booths of people selling crafts and vegetables, an indian food stand that i was very excited to see (as colorado is not known for it's good indian food), and my aunt and uncle were there as well. in the center of the outdoor fair area there was this enormous building, filled with tiny shops, showrooms, theaters, restaurants and condos. i wandered into it with friends, right before the concert that i desperately wanted to see, and spent the rest of my dream running through it trying to find my out. i could hear the concert starting, knew that there were a few opening bands so i wasn't very panicked at first. i wandered through the giant building, stopped for a beer with a girl i haven't seen since we went to college together, marveled at these crazy, elaborate "showrooms" you could walk through. i had a feeling they were some modern part of the fair, and had something to do with interior design and creative building. as the bands kept playing though, i got more and more anxious, running through rooms i'd already seen, brushing off my friends, becoming sidetracked when one of them promised we could see the show from their condo. i went up there, it was a huge apartment full of people, i had a beer, then realized that you couldn't see the show from there, you could only hear it. "what do you need to see it for?" i left, running through hallways, taking elevators that were filled with couches, getting lost in the parking garage before finally catching a glimpse of the show. of course, it was from the giant building and i had to somehow find my way out still, and across the lot to the place where it was. but i was happy to know what i was aiming for. there was the requisite sightings of co-workers, old friends i went to high school with, family members and celebrities.
it was all very surreal and intense, and even though i felt rushed and freaked out because i wasn't where i wanted to be, i loved looking at the crazy rooms filled with interesting furniture the small voice in the back of my head wanted me to stop and look longer, so i could draw them when i woke up. i love when my brain makes crazy shit up. i especially loved the couch as elevator thing. it was a surprisingly comfortable ride.
this morning i lazed around the house, eating breakfast with my roommate's outside on the back deck. took a ridiculously long, bad-for-the-earth shower, worked on a shirt i'm embroidering a mushroom on, thought about laundry and had some coffee. i have an honest-to-goodness date tonight, which figures since i have ten days left in this stupid state. i'm not going to say much more than that, normally i don't talk about dating or boys or what have you, but i thought it was worth pointing out because i find it hilarious that the moment i'm ready to go some cute boy comes along and it feels like colorado is once again trying to fuck with me. oh colorado, your sense of humor is twisted at best. but i won't lie, i'm excited about actually doing my hair and putting on some mascara and getting to hang out with someone new. the kissing too, that's fun.
*i've been watching the science of sleep kind of on and off today; i think tomorrow i'll have to really sit and watch. i love it, i just have a million things i should be doing, and am easily distracted today.
it was all very surreal and intense, and even though i felt rushed and freaked out because i wasn't where i wanted to be, i loved looking at the crazy rooms filled with interesting furniture the small voice in the back of my head wanted me to stop and look longer, so i could draw them when i woke up. i love when my brain makes crazy shit up. i especially loved the couch as elevator thing. it was a surprisingly comfortable ride.
this morning i lazed around the house, eating breakfast with my roommate's outside on the back deck. took a ridiculously long, bad-for-the-earth shower, worked on a shirt i'm embroidering a mushroom on, thought about laundry and had some coffee. i have an honest-to-goodness date tonight, which figures since i have ten days left in this stupid state. i'm not going to say much more than that, normally i don't talk about dating or boys or what have you, but i thought it was worth pointing out because i find it hilarious that the moment i'm ready to go some cute boy comes along and it feels like colorado is once again trying to fuck with me. oh colorado, your sense of humor is twisted at best. but i won't lie, i'm excited about actually doing my hair and putting on some mascara and getting to hang out with someone new. the kissing too, that's fun.
*i've been watching the science of sleep kind of on and off today; i think tomorrow i'll have to really sit and watch. i love it, i just have a million things i should be doing, and am easily distracted today.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
my, how things have changed
i got an email earlier tonight from a friend of mine who needed help picking out a phone that would work with the bluetooth in his acura. HIS ACURA. mind you, when i met this boy, he drove a VW bus, had longer hair than mine, and a penchant for jam-bands. now he has an acura! and khaki slacks! and short hair! however, he is still a vegetarian, and he did provide me with the greatest nephews on earth, so i am not complaining. it's just a very damn moment when you realize "oh shit, we're growing up." by "we" i mean, of course, all my friends. i'm still single and sans-cat or children, and looking to move myself both out of this state and further into debt. i do get carded a lot less, and that's grown-up enough for me right now.
i never told you about my ridiculous st. patrick's day, did i? i went out with friends from work, wore the de riguer green shirt and some new shoes of mine (that i ended up scuffing, but damn, they were cute!), drank green beer and many car-bombs, and had a blast. i ended up where i always do after nights out in fort collins, at meaghan and kevin's house, in one of their guest bedrooms. i love their house. it's close to downtown, it's big, they have two wonderful dogs and cable tv. i think sometimes i drink just so i can spend the night there. in any case, a whole bunch of us went back there including some married guy who honed right in on me. i knew he was married, and kept turning him down. plus, he wasn't exactly my type. we had fun talking about music and stuff, but i think he mistook my general friendliness for something else* and just would not get the hint. he followed me to my room, where he tried to feel me up, and so i got up and told him i had to puke. i did not have to puke, barf or otherwise vomit, but i kind of think of barfing as being the biggest turn-off on earth so i used it. i hung out in the bathroom for a while, drank some water, did some coughing, sat around then headed out. seeing that he was still in my room, i decided to crash on the couch. guess who came looking for me? um, hello. i fake-barfed to get away from you and am now sleeping on the couch instead of my perfectly wonderful guest bed and you still don't get the hint? so i fake barf again, only this time instead of taking my time i head for the bathroom and make a beeline to my room, where i lock the door and turn on the tv and go to bed. yay for me! yay for locks! the next morning said boy tried to be miffed with me, but i ignored him. i woke up quite pleased with myself, albeit hungover and with a sour stomach.
i also decided that night that colorado is full of people who are already dating other people. i know one single person in the whole state beside myself, and pretty much everyone else i know is dating someone they went to high school with, which is just about as foreign a concept to me as dating my cousin. why would you date someone you went through puberty with? maybe bigger schools make this less of an issue, but i can't wrap my brain around it. i would never in a thousand years date someone i went to high school with, but evidently here i am in the minority. plus, i'll never find my jewish prince charming here. at least on the west coast i have a fighting chance. speaking of west coast: 14 days! fourteen!
*this never fails to mystify me. talking about music and agreeing that marylin manson is not the devil is not exactly an invitation to my vagina. it's small talk. when one of you is married, it's more than small talk, it's chit-chat at best. i cannot figure out what in our conversation exactly led this boy to believe that not only did i want to do him, but that his being MARRIED wasn't an issue. what the hell. plus, he was enormous. i wasn't going to mention it, but he was a fat bastard and that wasn't helping his cause either.
i never told you about my ridiculous st. patrick's day, did i? i went out with friends from work, wore the de riguer green shirt and some new shoes of mine (that i ended up scuffing, but damn, they were cute!), drank green beer and many car-bombs, and had a blast. i ended up where i always do after nights out in fort collins, at meaghan and kevin's house, in one of their guest bedrooms. i love their house. it's close to downtown, it's big, they have two wonderful dogs and cable tv. i think sometimes i drink just so i can spend the night there. in any case, a whole bunch of us went back there including some married guy who honed right in on me. i knew he was married, and kept turning him down. plus, he wasn't exactly my type. we had fun talking about music and stuff, but i think he mistook my general friendliness for something else* and just would not get the hint. he followed me to my room, where he tried to feel me up, and so i got up and told him i had to puke. i did not have to puke, barf or otherwise vomit, but i kind of think of barfing as being the biggest turn-off on earth so i used it. i hung out in the bathroom for a while, drank some water, did some coughing, sat around then headed out. seeing that he was still in my room, i decided to crash on the couch. guess who came looking for me? um, hello. i fake-barfed to get away from you and am now sleeping on the couch instead of my perfectly wonderful guest bed and you still don't get the hint? so i fake barf again, only this time instead of taking my time i head for the bathroom and make a beeline to my room, where i lock the door and turn on the tv and go to bed. yay for me! yay for locks! the next morning said boy tried to be miffed with me, but i ignored him. i woke up quite pleased with myself, albeit hungover and with a sour stomach.
i also decided that night that colorado is full of people who are already dating other people. i know one single person in the whole state beside myself, and pretty much everyone else i know is dating someone they went to high school with, which is just about as foreign a concept to me as dating my cousin. why would you date someone you went through puberty with? maybe bigger schools make this less of an issue, but i can't wrap my brain around it. i would never in a thousand years date someone i went to high school with, but evidently here i am in the minority. plus, i'll never find my jewish prince charming here. at least on the west coast i have a fighting chance. speaking of west coast: 14 days! fourteen!
*this never fails to mystify me. talking about music and agreeing that marylin manson is not the devil is not exactly an invitation to my vagina. it's small talk. when one of you is married, it's more than small talk, it's chit-chat at best. i cannot figure out what in our conversation exactly led this boy to believe that not only did i want to do him, but that his being MARRIED wasn't an issue. what the hell. plus, he was enormous. i wasn't going to mention it, but he was a fat bastard and that wasn't helping his cause either.
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