merry christmas kids!

no fancy cards this year, no tree, not even a good christmas photo to post. it's been great so far, though. the fisherman was going to go to montana, but his plans fell through so i get to have him here for the holiday. our apartment is still very sparsely furnished (two camp chairs and an air mattress, jealous?) but it is still ours. we might not have much but nothing is in hock, bills are getting paid, and i get to go home at night and make-out with my favorite boy. things are good.

watching my niece spazz out on presents and hear her seriously intone "ho ho ho" when you ask her what santa says is pretty fucking awesome. there is plenty of delicious food at my folks and i can do my laundry here for free! i am getting some presents which makes me feel grateful because honestly, this year i just couldn't afford them. my job is still fun, and i'm getting more hours, so no complaints there. well, some complaints, but mostly petty ones about people being assholes in public.

we still have no internet, but i just got a library card and they have it there. i promise to post more soon, and even include some photos. i hope you guys have a merry christmas and all that jazz! kwanza! late hanukkah! new year! happy holidays to everyone, and to everyone a good night.

the boat sank

red chair, originally uploaded by pinprick.

just last week the fisherman and i got word that the boat we lived on this summer sank. he spent almost a year of his life on that boat, and without it we wouldn't have met. she was a good boat, a solid boat, and to be perfectly honest i don't think she just sank. the captain was in some financial shit he didn't want to work through, he stiffed everyone who worked on the boat this summer, and talked about sinking that boat more than once. i think he sent her to her watery grave, and that makes me sad. someone else could have turned that boat around, but he took the easy cowardly way out and probably stands to get a whole lot of insurance money. none of which any of us he owes will see.

in better news, we got the apartment! we move in on friday, so no more cheap hotels and random sleep-overs for us. i will now be a resident of anacortes, which makes me super happy. i've always wanted to live there, and our place is in a good spot; right off the main drag without being too far off the beaten path. i got to see it the other day and it was as cute as the fisherman said it was (he did all the leg work on this one). for a one bedroom it's huge, too. i can't wait to move in. the place i set up for us to stay at while he was here was pretty much a huge mistake on my part. i hadn't spent any time at this house and just knew i liked the kids who lived there a lot, i didn't really see how it could go wrong. until we go there, of course, and realized it was a filthy hole, no better than a squat. swarms of flies, trash that had been sitting for weeks, dishes covered in mold. it looked like some place i would have lived in during my youth, but at some point i got a hell of a lot more responsible and cannot live with that smell anymore. to say the place is totally gross would be an understatement. having our own place is going to kick ass!

the past few weeks have been crazy. i'm ready to be in my own place, making my own little nest again, but i miss my family and especially the baby. the last time i saw her she jumped up at me and was all kissy and huggy, and when i asked her if she missed me she said, "yeah!" my little brother (my folk's dog) is also really sick; he was recently diagnosed with end stage kidney failure and has a year left, if all goes well. he's skinny skinny on top, with a hugely swollen belly, the result of fluid in his abdomen. it's an odd sight. he can't eat any protein anymore, so no good doggy treats and he's eating some weird science-food out of a can. he seems just as perky as ever, though, and not in much pain. i love the little asshole, and have been trying to come home to hang out with him more. he might be a dick sometimes and pee on my stuff to make a point, but he's also super cuddly and sweet and as much as i hate to admit it, he really is my little brother.

ups and downs, ups and downs. i think all decembers are like this, don't you?

oh, hi!

holiday motel, originally uploaded by pinprick.

since the fisherman arrived in town we've been living like nomads out of the back of my car. staying with friends or at hotels, going out a lot, trying to squeeze in as much fun as possible. we're not sure if he goes back this week or next or even next month, the plan keeps changing.

thanksgiving was fun and i think my family liked him. we went down to oregon and he got to meet my nephews, which was funny. tiernan's never met a boyfriend of mine, and every now and then he had to point out to ed that i was his aunt amanda, which was the sweetest thing ever. i got to meet the newest member of the family, cohen, who is impossibly cute and smells delicious. we went to an awesome wedding, we went to the coast of oregon, we even got to go up to mount hood. we've crammed a hell of a lot of stuff into a short amount of time.

hopefully soon we'll be settled in our own apartment (we've got a lead on one that i am in love with, which makes me nervous that i'm jinxing it, but i can't help but say how much i love it), and i'll have regular access to the internet and a bathroom of my own, at which point in time i will be the happiest girl alive. all this moving around is sort of fun, but also tiring. i miss the baby. not seeing my niece every day is sort of sucky. it would be easier if i had a place and then knew on my days off i could come and see her.

there's my week in a nutshell! it's been awesome and strange and at times totally stressful (not having out own place is hard, and probably the one thing we fight about), but i wouldn't trade it for anything. i promise to give more details soon!

OH. MY. GOSH.

our bunks, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the fisherman calls me yesterday while i'm at lunch and tells me we "need to to talk" and then gets me all nervous by saying he was missing me so much the other night he did something stupid, and the next thing you know he's telling me he'll be in town wednesday! as in, tomorrow! my fisherman! he bought a plane ticket and didn't make out with some naknek ho!

it's been three months. sometimes it doesn't feel that long because we're both busy working and we still get to talk pretty often, but once i realized he was going to be here soon it's like i finally felt how long it's been. we haven't seen each other for as long as we were on the boat, which seemed like a million years when i was there.

i am so excited to see him. i hope he still thinks i'm cute, obviously, and i hope he likes my people, but even though i'm a tiny bit nervous (in a good way) i have a feeling we're going to have a good time. he's going to get to go to portland with me and meet my people there, i'm going to get to show him all the things in town i love, we're going to get to pick out a bed together (i would try to make that not sound cheesy, but dammit, i'm too stoked), i'm going to get to take him out to eat and to movies and we're going to spend some serious time just sucking face like teenagers. awesome!

hooray for thanksgiving and hooray for awesome fisherman and hooray counting down the hours. i'm positively spazz-tastic right now, and i don't care who knows it.

blah

birthday hearse 1, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the apartment hunting is sucking. as in, sucking away my will to live, sucking seriously, sucking out my brain. the co-signer we got did not pass, and my parents don't want to do it. i'm not going to go into any details about that, but let me sum it up: suck. at this point i feel like no matter how much i like josh, no matter how badly i want out of this house, it's just not going to work out. i'm not going to throw good money after bad. i'm tentatively arm-wrestling my sister into looking at local places and resigning myself to the fact that i will be broke for a while and living here for a while longer as well. it's all a big downer, let me tell you. so i'm going to dump on you a little, then get over it.

i feel like making a t-shirt that says "razor blades are your friends!"

yummy yum yum

sausage finger 1, originally uploaded by pinprick.

meat and cheese and wine are awesome. you really can't go wrong there; it's like a holy food trifecta. here is photographic evidence that my fingers do indeed look an awful lot like cocktail wieners. the only real difference is that my fingers are longer and wieners are boneless. you also can't chew on my fingers in lieu of a snack, much as i might try.

i bought a giant hunk of brie tonight and my sister came home with two fun cheeses, a cotswald and mozzarella/prosciutto roll-thing. baby stood in the kitchen clapping and saying "yay! cheeeese!" we got our dairy on and baby tried to sneak sips of wine, which i think is as good a way as any to have dinner. i love that my sister thinks it's perfectly okay to just have cheese and nibbles for dinner. i love that baby is already excited about cheese and will eat hunks of real parmesan as well as onion-y cheeses with abandon. i'm going to miss living with them. my new roommate is a nice guy, but he's not nearly as charming as baby and i think seeing him shake his booty won't be as fun.

i'm pretty sure the apartment is a go, but i think i won't be able to move in until next weekend. that's fine with me because i have a whole lot of work to do this week and not having to pay rent one more week will be helpful. i had to take out a loan from the fisherman which made me both nervous and relieved. money has a tendency to fuck shit up, but the fact that he was so gracious and unperturbed makes me think this will be the exception. i'd rather owe him money right now than my parent's and truth be told no matter when i go i'm going to need some help to get out. from now on, i'm totally investing in my savings account. seat-of-your-pants living is fine for a while, but i think i might actually be over it. could this be growing up? oh dear.

this week marks my first full-time week of only being the cheese specialist. i got to do it for a whole day last week and it was crazy fun. i've always known i like cheese, but i had no idea i knew so much and would get so geekily excited about explaining to dorks that you can indeed eat the rind of brie and camembert and cambezola. i got to say "gorgonzola" a million times and help people pronounce "jarlsburg." i cut up tiny cubes of cheese and poked party frill toothpicks through them and made signs that said silly things like "pepperjack adds 'pep' to just about everything!" it's fun work. i'm sure it's going to be annoying too, like when i get in three pallets of cheese that i need to squish into one case or when i spend the day cutting up wheels of blue and wrapping them, but for the most part i think this job was just waiting for me to show up. in short, i totally love it. i can't stop saying "awesome!" when talking about it, and i can't stop thinking about all the rad stuff i'm going to do. it's a cheesy dorkout.

your daily dose of awesome

awesome sparkly, originally uploaded by pinprick.

man, i did not mean to sound so snarky earlier. i think about once a month we all get tired of bumping elbows and there always being someone in the bathroom and then we bitch and piss and moan and get on with shit. it's just that, unfortunately for you, you get to hear me thinking out loud about it. awesome!

no, not awesome. to make up for my pissy mood, here is a shot of a delicious dessert i ate the other day. i love how it's sparkly, and i can attest to the fact that it was just as good to eat as it was to look at.

i made a to-do list and have already crossed three things off it. i rule!

how do you spell amanda? a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g

seriously. if you polled the three people i live with, they would tell you stories. none of them would be good. if you asked baby, she wouldn't have a problem with me at all since i represent her favorite playmate and give her candy and hugs, but everyone else is less than thrilled with me. why? because lately i am apathetic to a fault, and have taken to responding to every question or concern with "dude, it's not a big deal," or an entirely unconvincing "ok." pop is beyond annoyed with the fact that i refuse to open my mail. i know what it all says and nine times out of ten it's "hey, give us money" and money i do not have so why read that shit? it's just a downer. mom is annoyed that i don't do much cleaning and my room is an unholy mess, and my sister is annoyed that mom doesn't actually tell me this but instead dumps it all on her. in general my sister and i are getting along quite well, but she is sick to death of hearing about how awful i am all the time, while no one actually says a thing to me. of if they do, it's after telling her all about it.

really, though, i can totally understand why everyone is less than pleased with me. i'm not loving myself that much right now, and i'm sick to death of living out in the middle of nowhere with no money, the longest drive to work on earth, and people who fret about my mail. i can't stand sleeping on a couch anymore, and even i hate the unholy mess my room has become. there's no room for me here, emotionally or physically. we're all going through some stuff and i think our physical closeness is just amplifying that. if we had our own spaces, our own addresses, we'd have some perspective. i don't think it's going to fix everything (i've given up on quick fixes, i think at thirty i finally understand that they are bullshit), but i think it would help. not having to see my mess and deal with my inability to do dishes before the sink is entirely full would make me a more sympathetic figure. my nest simply doesn't belong here, and as much as i love my family and am grateful for the chance to be here with them i think it's time to move on. i should hear back about that apartment today, cross your fingers.

the awesome list

mustache ham, originally uploaded by pinprick.

things i am totally loving right now:

1. mustaches. on hams, on milk, and even on men. bring back the 'stache!
2. the word awesome. i can't stop saying it. my sister made fun of me for a few days, but now she's saying it constantly too. awesome!
3. the new britney spears album. i know! crazy shit. my sister downloaded it and we've been listening to it pretty much all the time. it sounds like an older madonna album, you know, right after she discovered vocoders and electronica. it's not as much about britney because she doesn't do much, but the songs are all dance-y and retarded and fun.
4. the new crop of scary movies coming out. first on my list to see: the mist. my boyfriend, tom jane, is in it.
5. counted cross stitch. i forgot how much i liked it until i got my subversive cross stitch patterns!
6. torchwood. is anyone else watching this? capt. jack reminds me a little of tom cruise, but he's starting to make his own character and i love the whole alien aspect of it. british sci fi rules, anyhow, what with dr. who and all, so i shouldn't be surprised but i am completely hooked on this show. i am also loving graham norton, which comes on afterward. i'm pretty sure graham is the funniest man on EARTH.

dirty thirty!

too hot for my beard, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i did nothing for my birthday. not entirely true: i did go out to eat with my mom, sister and the baby. that was all, though. my sister and i were broke and the baby didn't have a sitter, so we spent the day lounging around the house, reading and letting baby watch cars again. good times.

halloween was fun if uneventful. i loved my bearded lady costume, and am hoping to win one of the prizes up for grabs at work. another lady wore a beard as part of her biker costume, and even i admit she looked amazing. she better win 1st, but i would be happy with second!

today i dropped off a rental application and looked at some other potential apartments. the rental process stresses me out, and it makes me a little crabby. the fisherman might be here in a week, which is also stressing me out. no matter how happy i am to see him there's just been a lot going on this past month and i wish i were a hell of a lot more prepared. and by "prepared" i mean "wish we had a place to live." there isn't much more i can do, though, so i'm trying to work with what i've got and get us at least someplace to camp out for a little while. nothing says "i love you baby" like state park reservations, right? right?!

ah, thirty. so far, so good. if i had an extra $500 it would be going much better, but what can you do? maybe i'll run into a winning lotto ticket or something.

hey, i need a place to live!

today is the 29th, and the very last day i will be in my 20's. it's my last day as 29! i feel like drinking. or laying around the house. or tattooing something. however, instead of doing anything like that i'm going out to look at apartments with my friend josh. if the fisherman gets here as soon as he thinks he will, i'm going to need to have someplace for him to stay. of course, i would also really love to be on my own again, out of this tiny house and with a commute that doesn't eat gas the way cops eat donuts.

my new roommate, beside the fisherman, will be the aforementioned josh. he's a guy i work with who i like a lot; he's young, nerdy, funny and sort of a smart-ass, and this will be his first apartment. i worry a little about living with a boy who isn't old enough to drink, and who is sometimes a little spacey and forgetful, but he's such a nice boy i think everything will work out okay. plus, the one place we're kind of hoping to get has only a 6 month lease and then goes month to month, so we won't have to sign away our lives together. looking for and at apartments is exhausting and it doesn't help that both boys are like "oh, you know more, you should just do it." josh has been so pushy about it too! that's why i'm making him go with me today, i'm sort of tired of being in charge. there's only so much demanda* in me, you know. he's going to have to learn how to do this shit at some point anyhow, best he learns now.

ugh. the thought of filling out all that paperwork and applications is not appealing, but living here with my folks and the fisherman is a lot less appealing. off to the shower i go, wish me luck!

*demanda is me when i'm bossy! it's a very demanding amanda.

say cheese!

so i got a promotion at work. i know, crazy. it's weird; it's for a job i technically didn't apply for until after the fact, and i was so blase about it i'm surprised i got it. when they brought it up at first i was very, "yes, that sounds awesome, but really? me?" i didn't take them super seriously, and i didn't say anything to anyone because i was waiting for it to be official. the new schedule came out and i'm not on it, i have my own now, so i suppose that's official enough. i am now in charge of specialty cheeses. i am your cheese girl! the new position means i won't have to wear the hideous deli costume anymore; i can say good-bye to the chili pepper vest and ballcap, start wearing skirts and sweaters over my white button down shirt. color me excited. i don't even mean that sarcastically. the outfit i wear to work is useful and appropriate for food handling work, but it bums me out. i look like an unhappy square woman in it, very matronly. also, because i'm not allowed to wear bracelets or have visible tattoos i'm forced to wear band aids over my wrists every day and those areas get fussy from all the adhesive. with the new job i can cover up with a watch and bracelet and call it good. yay! the other nice thing about the job is that it has the same hours every week, and it's never less than 40. i won't get a pay raise until i finish my training and pass my tests, but the extra hours will help immensely. you read that last part right; i'm in some serious training for a while and have to take a series of tests before they'll finish the promotion, but i like cheese enough to be okay with that. how i got this job i don't know, it sounds way too good to be true. my main job will be stocking the cheese area and sampling (standing at a table trying to talk you into tasting this or that), as well as ordering and working with other departments (like wine!). it's a brand-new position and they have pretty high hopes for it, so let's hope i don't fuck it up.

this is what i work on

flowers close, originally uploaded by pinprick.

while they pump dad full of x-rays!

today is the last day of his radiation therapy. everyone is crazy excited. then he'll have a few weeks to lay around the house and heal up, go in for a check-up to make sure he's doing okay, then a few months after that they do an MRI and look for the cancer. he's sore and raw and miserable, and all he wants is for his taste buds to come back. i think that's reasonable, don't you?

saturday i start looking in earnest for a place to live. i've been trying to do that while working and taking pop to his appointments, but not a lot has gotten accomplished. the fisherman gets here in a few weeks and i have no place for him to stay. this house is too tiny to fit anyone else, we need our own place. apartment hunting stresses me out, but the thought of all of us crammed in here stresses me out more.

two and six

two more days in cancerland, six more until my birthday! i cannot wait for radiation to be over. i'm sure dad is more excited, but damn. this last week of it has been extra-super-miserable and soon he'll just be able to sleep and rest and start feeling better instead of spending all his time in the car with me, criticizing my driving and dreading his appointment. ugh.

and i did make a plan for my birthday! mom is going to watch the baby that day, and my sister and i are going to head into seattle to do super fun stuff. on the list: see the darjeeling limited (which won't ever show on the island, i'm sure), go to uwajimaya, eat noodles at shanghai garden, and feel all nostalgic about our lives before moving back in with mom and pop. we might also do some shopping and goofing around, depending on what time we leave town. i'm excited about going into the city, i haven't spent any time there since i got home.

t-minus seven days

and so far, i have no birthday plans. i'm planning on babysitting my niece, if my sister gets this job she's interviewing for.

i'm kind of sad i might end up doing nothing. once anne pointed out it was my golden birthday i was so excited! i feel like i have to do something because i'll never have this kind of birthday again. dammit, i'm going to go make a plan now. any suggestions?

cancerland

hanging out with dad at radiation this week has been interesting, to say the least. my sister actually bought me a cocktail at crapplebee's last night to thank me for doing it, since the sight of needles makes her nauseous and lord knows they use pop as a pin cushion.

a lot of the other patients are nice and i like chit chatting with them. there are a few men who are in for prostate radiation, who always come alone because the side effects aren't so awful. i suspect my pop is getting a much bigger blast of radiation as well, but no one will confirm or deny this. i usually knit or embroider out in the waiting room, make small talk with the other patients, fetch cups of ice water for dad. yesterday i went with him for everything, which meant watching them take more blood (he clots so well that most of the time they take it once then come back and say, "um, we need more."), pump him full of a medication that is supposed to save his salivary glands, and watch him nearly barf taking the anti-emetic (irony!). he has exactly five more treatments and i can assure you that's he's as excited as he can be for this to end. he's tired and lost his voice and more of his hair, that radiation sunburn is becoming more red and evil looking by the minute and this week alone he lost two pounds in one day. all he wants right now is for this to be over and to be able to taste thanksgiving dinner. we were talking the other night about his treatment and wondering if in twenty years they'll look back on this kind of cancer treatment as barbaric and old-fashioned. all they can really do now is kill cells and excise tumors. it's mass carnage; blast it all with massive doses of radiation and hope it doesn't come back. civilian cells along with rogue ones go down, and the side effects are lousy. pump your body full of poison and cross your fingers.

what bothers me more than seeing him miserable is not getting a straight answer out of anyone about his prognosis. no one will commit to any sort of odds; is this going to cure him? what are his chances of it returning? how long will it take before he feels better? is all of this worth it? what happens next? no one wants to talk about it and the doctors and nurses say things like "we'll just have to wait to and see," or "it really depends on *fill in the blank*." i understand that they don't want to treat him or his cancer like a number, but it would be nice to know in more concrete, mathematical terms, what we're dealing with. at least, i think so. if they gave us bad news i might now want to know. maybe i should scrap this paragraph...

my week in cancerland has been eye-opening. i've said it before and it holds true; a diagnosis of cancer doesn't magically cure familial issues. i've seen fights in the waiting room, one guy telling his mom to "fuck off" because she pissed him off, one guy ignoring his wife's request to move her wheelchair a few inches back, little spats over stupid shit. however, i have to say that even if pop makes me mad or snaps at me i pretty much never argue with him in public. i'd rather die than yell at him in the radiation waiting room. no matter how unreasonable or jerky the cancer patient might be acting you pretty much look like a major douchebag when you yell at them. i should print up pamphlets to that effect. "don't yell at your cancer patient, you look like an ass." they might be evil incarnate, but put an old lady in a hospital gown and freaking out on her in public and you will indeed look like a slimeball. i'm not saying we all need to be having hallmark moments, but you can let it slide if they raise their voice or tell you not to interrupt. one guy actually yelled at his mom, "it's all about you, isn't it?" and i wanted to say, "um, yeah. when you get the shit radiated out of you, you can act like an ass then." jeez.

speaking of cancerland, i have to go take a shower and get ready to go. today pop is having a coffee shake on the way up there, and i need to finish midge's baby blanket since her sweetie is due in about a month.

p.s. i just bought this and it makes me crazy happy. i've been meaning to order it for a while, and realized hey, now would be a good time. subversive cross stitch rules, and i think a kit would make an awesome christmas present for any crafter you know. not only are they amazing and funny, but it will give them something cool to work on.

book review revue

fledgling, by octavia e. butler: this is a book about a vampire, shori, that looks like a young black girl but who is in fact much older and has amnesia. normally i like butler's spare and no-nonsense writing style, and i admit i seriously enjoy a good vampire book, but this leaves me nonplussed. i don't know, i can't quite get into it. i kind of don't care why shori has amnesia, who her people were, or why she was badly injured and left for dead. there was a bit of controversy when this book came out because physically shori is described as looking like an 8-10 year old girl, but has sex with an adult man. the scenes aren't graphic by any means (it reads like your basic harlequin, only much tamer), and honestly i find the story boring enough that i don't care. i'm only four chapters into the book, though, and i know i'll finish it so maybe it will win me over. although to be honest, i'm tempted to just go ahead and return it.

rescuing patty hearst, virginia holman: memoir about a girl who's mom has a psychotic break and kidnaps her kids to live in a cabin and prepare for a secret war, in which they will be in charge of helping the orphans. i first heard part of this story as a short on this american life, and then put this book on my amazon wishlist and forgot about it. i'm sad i did; it's a quick read, sad like most memoirs are these days, and an interesting look at what it's like to have a parent with severe mental illness. the chapters are arranged like a series of short vignettes, and go back in forth in time from the seventies to now. even though it is at heart a sad story about a mother who needs help and doesn't get it until it's way too late (by the time she's diagnosed and gets medical attention she's so far gone that not much helps), the book doesn't wallow in a lot of self-pity or "why me?" i would recommend this book to anyone who likes augusten burroughs, david sedaris, david rakoff, sarah vowell, etc.

sicky sickerton

damn, everyone is sick right now. baby came home with something snot-filled and coughy, and then her mom got it, pop got it and now i have it. whoo! it's bad enough that dad wouldn't go to radiation yesterday, and you know you can only miss one of those appointments. we all spent yesterday on couches and in beds napping. i called in sick to work and this was the response i got: "so, you're calling in sick with a cold? see, i always feel better after i work with a cold." ooh, good for you! however, i am not a masochist. it irked me enough that i looked in the paper at other job openings. that's what i do when i have a bad day at work; look at other jobs. passive aggressive, yes, but satisfying.

penny's right, though. i should be a teacher. i've actually been thinking about that a lot lately. looking into what it will take to get certified, thinking about what i'd like to teach (social studies or history! or english, even, although i can't diagram a sentence for shit), and planning my classroom outfits. that part is my favorite. i vacillate between wanting to do prim and proper librarian style skirts and short heels and cardigan sweaters or a more casual i'd-like-to-be-your-cool-teacher stuff. in my heart, though, i am a nerdy librarian so i'm pretty sure it's cardigans and closed toe, sensible pumps all the way for me. am i too old to make a career change like this? should i just use the degree i have and try something else? thirty isn't that old. i don't feel like i'd be totally out of place in school again. also, becoming a teacher shouldn't take more than two years, and i could put up with college shenanigans for that long.

okay, time to go get ready to spend the day in the radiation wing. i have books to collect and embroidery projects to organize! i hate to admit that i kind of like my time there just because it's a nice quiet place to work.

super thrifter!

i almost forgot all about my deep love of thrifting. i left early yesterday so i could meet up with a friend from work to hit a thrift store before work, and found such great stuff. a new sweater, a new skirt, a few scarves for work (we have to wear a tie or a lady scarf, and i found a bright orange one that is crazy and lovely), cute new shoes and two movies. thrifting is so different from regular shopping; even if you go in with a specific goal in mind, you are likely to find amazing things that weren't on your list. getting a good deal is also a thrill. the hunting aspect of it all is addictive.

two days of work this week, then three off, then one on. including yesterday that makes four days where i only work 6 and half hours. did i mention they are seriously cutting hours at work? while reducing costs and making money for shareholders they basically expect us to get as much done for less pay. um, i call bullshit. i could bust my ass a bit more, sure, but not for corporate whores i won't. if this were a mom-and-pop operation and we were all taking one for the team i would reconsider, but so far it's only non-management that's feeling the crunch. i hate to get all commie on you, but i'm kind of anti-"the man" right now. my paychecks are sad and i still pay the same in gas money every week and have a million bills to pay off.

money, money, money. sometimes i get so sick of it.

in better news, i am in love with my library again and reading all sort of great things. the last thing i read was "righteous" by lauren sandler. i'd tell you more about it, but i have to get ready to go to work. in short, it was a great read, albeit a bit freaky. if i've said it once i've said it a million times, evangelical christians scare the shit out of me. has anyone else read this book? were you a bit taken aback at the political agenda inherent in evangelicalism? it makes me shudder to think.

X marks the spot

big surprise; radiation therapy totally sucks! since my dad started going three weeks ago he hasn't encouraged any of us go with. mom went once at the start to check it out, but since then he's mainly gone alone. i didn't even know he was actually already in radiation until almost a week into it, he was so secret. i've been wanting to go with him for a while, but didn't want to push the issue too hard. he was okay doing chemo by himself and i think he doesn't like the idea of losing his independence. more than that i think he hates the idea of any of us driving his car. the man loves his car. doing it on his own also means he gets to leave when he wants, and it maintains the status quo. i mean, he can't really be sick is he can take himself to treatment, right?

he's gotten so weak and miserable the past week, though, that he finally admitted he'd at least like the company. the drive up to the cancer center is over an hour long and he does a lot of waiting around once he gets there. after he checks in (via a neat little bar code on a card; it automatically fills in his info and puts him in line), he gets his glass of ice water in the infusion treatment ward where people are getting their chemo, and settles into another waiting room in the radiation wing. he gets a pill when he gets there, then waits another half an hour for a shot, then waits a half hour more before they can actually radiate him. "radiate" is a sort of misleading term, however. dad doesn't get dosed with actual radiation (i.e. plutonium) he gets bombarded with serious x-rays. the nurses brought me back to show me the room they do it, and i got to watch the whole thing. first they arrange him on a table and affix a custom made mesh mask to his face and neck. the mask is marked with the area for treatment as well as various plotting points. then he has a board that they place at the soles of his feet; through the board are two long ropes with shearling covered cuffs. when dad pushes his feet on the board with the cuffs around his wrists it gently pulls his shoulders downward and out of the way of the radiation. he doesn't wear a gown or anything, he just sheds his shirt and takes his boots off. then they calibrate the ray a few different ways, use the x-ray to make sure they're in the right area, then start the radiation. they aim for three different parts in the same area, covering the area of the actual cancer as well as a bit outside that to make sure they get any hiding or stray cells. on two screens are black and white video feeds of dad on the table, and on the computer is the actual x-ray image of his skull and spine, with spots highlighted showing the location of the ray. while the treatment itself is time-consuming, uncomfortable and boring, it's the after effects that are really making pop unhappy.

because they aim the radiation at where his lymph node used to be he's got a what looks and feels like a sunburn on his neck, as well as a wicked sore throat and mouth. he's lost his sense of taste and his mouth is basically one giant raw sore. eating anything too hot or cold bothers him, he's sensitive to acids and spice, yet everything tastes like sawdust to him. he's lost his appetite and quite a few pounds. we try to make him drink protein shakes and ensure, but he balks at that even. he's tired and uncomfortable and just isn't interested in eating. he's also had to give up coffee, and if you know my dad at all you know that's not cool. the man drinks a few pots a day, goes through a five pound can coffee in a little over a week. his saliva production is also down, so he has to use a nasty tasting rinse to make sure his ph doesn't get too high and the acid from the bacteria naturally in the mouth doesn't rot his teeth away. the doctor prescribed what amounts to medical marijuana (it's a liquid derivative with no high, damn) to try to stimulate his appetite. in order to get through the next few weeks of treatment he has to stay as healthy as possible because if he misses more than one day he has to start the process all over. trust me, he doesn't want to do that.

it was hard to see him strapped to that bed with the face mask. harder to see how skinny he's getting. walking through the infusion treatment ward was awful as well. everyone at the clinic was very brisk and cheerful and the whole thing felt like "business as usual" but at the same time there were all these skinny bald people hooked up to iv's. some were obviously sicker than others, and the ones that were all alone killed me. i know cancer treatment has gotten much better over the years, and that when dad did chemo he did most of it alone because he wanted to. if i were sick i have no doubt i'd feel the same way. and it is better for the atmosphere to be one of perky efficiency rather than sad melancholy, but it was still difficult to see and take in. i know my dad is sick, and not with something he'll sleep off, but seeing it won't ever be comfortable for me. to put it simply, i don't like it. regardless of how promising his prognosis is there's still a good chance that he'll just get sicker. his chances of coming down with luekemia in the next ten years after all this are also much, much higher. we talked about that the other day. i promised him that if he's diagnosed with cancer again and he doesn't want to do this i'll buy cartons of smokes and kegs of beer and we'll just have fun until he goes. he's not doing this as much for himself as he is for my mother, sister, niece and i. this is as much about the women in his life as it is him getting better. he's sacrificed lymph nodes, his taste buds, his hair and his general sense of well-being so we'll have a dad/husband/grandpa longer.

tagging along to radiation and making endless glasses of ice water and pots of soup is the least i can do to thank him.