personal responsibility

top off, originally uploaded by pinprick.

a good friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks. there isn't much i wanted this year more than to go back to colorado to be there, but due to financial constraints i won't be able to go. i feel stupendously shitty about this. i've had just about a year to save up for it, and regardless of the fisherman's quick exit i feel like i really should have had the money for it. not having it, missing the wedding, makes me feel like a lousy friend.

what makes me feel worse though, is that at the same time i feel bad about missing the wedding, and about missing seeing my friends tie the knot, i'm also kind of relieved. not being able to go means not having to have awkward conversations about the loser turn my life has taken. it means not having to see other friends i long ago broke-up with, and it means no one has to see my fat ass in person. truth be told, i'm in kind of an unhappy place and don't really feel like letting my enemies (more like frienemies) see that. i've never felt more shallow in my life. wanting to avoid seeing high school friends is so cliche! ugh.

i've been feeling bad about all of this for months now, ever since i realized i wouldn't be able to go to the wedding. i got an email this morning from the bride asking us all to wear a special color so she'll be able to enjoy seeing us all together and i suddenly felt even shittier (which i wasn't sure was possible), and realized that i have no one to blame but myself. my life is the way it is because i've made some poor choices. I picked the wrong guy, i ran up my credit card bills, i took a job that pays shit, i ate too much pizza and beer. i can bitch and piss and moan about it all i want or i can do something about it. while i may not make it to this wedding, i can start working on a kick ass wedding present. i can work out more. i can lay off the cheese when i'm not at work. i can make much better relationship decisions. feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in whiskey and pity isn't that attractive, and with all the things i have done in my life you'd think none of this would seem that daunting. it's just having to take responsibility for my crap-tastic life that is.