unfixable

the insurance company called me today and declared that it would be way too expensive to fix my car, so they want to cut me a check. the collision place (which i highly recommend!) had warned me of this the other day, and i'd done some research and decided that there was no way i was letting them give me less than $5,000. which means i thought i would get $4,000. lucky for me, i was seriously wrong, and i actually got more than 5. how much more i won't say (because we all know that's gauche) but DAMN. this is the first time i've dealt with a car insurance company that didn't leave me feeling like i'd assumed the position and they'd picked my pockets. score!

tonight we went to mom's house to pick up my pop's old truck. D had wanted to borrow it anyway to move some stuff around, and we thought if we went tonight we could make sure it was running. it's a good thing we did, too: it needed a new battery. the idea is that we can use the truck while we decide what to do with D's car and the insurance check. we have a few options; i can use the insurance to make both of our cars tip-top and save the rest, use it on just D's car (which needs a new windshield and some suspension work), we can sell D's car and i can buy myself a new (old) honda, or i can actually drive the truck and D's car can just stay like it is. either way, we probably won't end up spending all of the insurance money on cars, and i will be able to use the rest to pay off my bankruptcy early and maybe put some away.

i'm glad everything so far has worked out, and if you can get insurance through USAA i would say, do it. they were crazy nice and awesome, and i am so impressed by how well they handled the situation i'd switch over to them if i could. that being said, i'm sad my car is smooshed and off to auction, it's weird seeing my dad's truck on the road, and i am very tired from running around all night getting things set up. i should have been in bed a while ago, but find myself *up* so i might need some time to read before hitting the hay. what a strange week it's been!

good vs. evil

the evil: the insurance company that is paying me for my car wants money for the storage fees. the storage fees were more than the cost of the rocket.

the good: they only wanted $200 of it.

better: they want to reimburse me for the rental car i got, which i paid $150 for.

great: they only need my title and copy of the rental car receipt and then my check's in the mail!

evil: i can't find my title.

more evil: i could get a replacement, but that takes anywhere for 8-10 weeks.

absurd: i could call and ask my mom where she thinks i might have put it, but then pop would find out that that would be just something else for him to stress about and then freak out on me about. damn!

just plain annoying: i'm going to have to spend some serious time going through boxes i was hoping not to have to unpack in order to find this important title, which i should have put someplace safe, and which i no doubt thought i did. of course, someplace "safe" for me can be just about anywhere. wish me luck!

update! i found the title! but not the receipt! and honestly, come to think of it, they were supposed to mail it to me but i don't think i ever got it. i might have to go by there and ask. although having the title is the most important thing, so whatever. yay! i can sleep now!

done

after the real insurance company got involved, the one responsible for the rear end of my car, things moved along at lightening pace. abby was totalled out, i was given a figure, and i went to clean her out.
lately i've given a lot of thought to colorado, living here, moving home, and all that, but it wasn't until i saw abby again that i realized what i was doing. seeing her was like a punch in the gut; i hadn't realized how badly she was banged up and how lucky i was to walk away from the accident. any other car might have crumpled, but she held solid and i'm a lucky girl to have known her. seeing her also made me think about how the whole colorado experiment has been one big failure after another, but it could have been worse, you know? it's exhausting to feel happy to be leaving and awful at having done such a poor job of fitting in here, i feel pulled in two ways at once most of the time here.

in a lot of ways the accident was the best thing to happen to me. it clarified a lot for me, extremely quickly. without it i'd stay even longer here, which wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily, but would keep me from what i think of as my real life. this is like one very long working vacation, i never felt settled in.

my pop is angry because he sees me as a failure and doesn't like to think he raised a kid who couldn't hack it on her own. it won't do me any good to point out to him that i don't feel like i completely failed; i made it out here on my own, i paid my own way, i got into some trouble but for the most part am coming home intact. there's no shame in (or at least not a lot of shame) in admitting this isn't for me. am i supposed to be miserable to prove a point? perhaps, but i don't want to be. i won't suffer just to show that i can and no matter what he thinks of me i'm still going home. my life isn't what he or my mother expected or wanted for me, but it's still mine. slightly screwed up and weird, awkward and strange at times, but it's what i've made for myself. i can't take any of it back, and regret never changed a thing for anyone. i promise not to talk a lot about it anymore, after all, what is there really to say? i moved, had some moderately good times, realized that it wasn't for me, went home. it's not that big a deal. he'll get over being mad, i'll get over feeling out of place (it will take some time though, i've felt this way for over a year now and it's like second nature to me), and everything will work out.

so annoyed

i finally got a hold of the insurance company for the car that hit me, and it wasn't pretty. the lady seemed nice enough until she started being a bitch, and then i had to get all bitchy back. i had no idea there was another company involved in my claim until about two weeks ago, and so when she got all snippy about how my car had been sitting there for over a month i pointed out that yes, i knew that, but what was i to do when i didn't even know who hit me and who their insurance was? trust me, i'd like to speed this up as much as the next kid, because i want my damn check, and at this point if it's for $20 i'll be happy. JUST FIX IT. or not. i don't care.

in better news, news that doesn't make me all red in the face and fist-shaking, i looked into train tickets from here to home, and goddamn. they aren't that crazy expensive. it will take about two and a half days, but i like the idea of rolling along on a train, knitting and reading and taking pictures through the window. i might do it. i've always wanted to take a train ride, and what better way to see the rockies?

i start shipping my stuff home this week too. i'm undecided about just shipping it all via fed-ex, shipping some of it and using a box for the rest, but i'm pretty sure i can ship it in pieces for cheaper than the box. plus, i only have three pieces of real furniture to send home; a small formica table, a nightstand, and an old-fashioned school desk. the rest i could leave behind if need be. i suppose i need to do some more research, even though all i want to do now is drink and stew silently.

let the anxiety begin!

i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i'm more excited than nervous about the move this time. however, yesterday i dealt a little bit with my insurance company and the company of the guy who hit me, and that spun me up in a huge way. the gist of it is this: no one wants to take responsibility for my back end (that sounds kind of dirty, eh?), but i say if i have to take responsibility for the guy i hit, then the guy who hit me has to as well. THE END. i really felt at the beginning like maybe insurance companies and car repair places weren't so bad, like i was dealing with some folks who cared, but what it boils down to is cash money and everyone is trying to get theirs. the place where my car is is charging $25 a day in storage fees. no one ever told me this. so far, my car has racked up $500 worth of debt. i bought the rocket for $600, this seems insane. at the car place they're all, "don't worry, insurance will pay for it," but damn, so far i'm the only one picking up the tab.

i feel like dealing with these people makes me shrill and uncomfortable to be around, at the same time i know if i don't stand up for myself they'll walk all over me. i want this resolved, and i want it resolved soon, which means more of me saying things like "that's totally unacceptable" and "i want to be reimbursed for my brand new tires" etc. what they don't know is that i'll settle for less than my car is worth, as long as it's enough to get me home. that's all i want right now, home. i miss my people, i miss my town, i miss the rain and doom and gloom and ikea. i need a hug and a plate of mom's dinner. stat.

like pea soup

i grew up in fog, it was one of the charming things about living on an island. most mornings were foggy, and many nights as well. some days the fog would stick around into the early afternoon, and that was really the only time the fog was commented on. i remember reading a horror novel as a kid once where fog featured prominently and it scared me, a lot.

on an island, the fog comes from the ocean. in colorado, where the hell does it come from? there are no great bodies of water to give it off, i can't look at the sky and know it's on its way, it totally confuses me. tonight of course, day 2 of my learning to drive stick epic, the inscrutable colorado fog showed up making it impossible to see past my headlights for part of my drive home. also, one of the quirks of the rocket is that the lights where all the important dash stuff is (speed, gas, etc) doesn't always come on right away. if the rocket is cold, it might take five minutes for them to show. not such a big deal most of the time, but tonight when i started my drive it wasn't that foggy and then about five minutes into it i couldn't see anything ahead of me, and still couldn't see how fast i was going for another few minutes. i can't blame the rocket, how did it know it was going to be so damn foggy when i didn't? the great thing about being in a stick is that i knew which gear i was in, and therefore about how fast i was going, but there was a good three minutes of my drive home tonight that were sheer white-knuckle terror. not being able to see anything is not good. this is especially true when you are an unsure driver. i kind of feel 19* everytime i get into this car.

i managed to make it home, though, and i even took the freeway. i'm feeling more comfortable every minute i drive, and am thinking that by next week i'll feel like taking more adventurous drives, like ones that involve hills. thank god i didn't have to learn this back home. also, i altered my picture of the rocket, and here it is:


*i did not learn to drive until i was 19 and did not get a car until 21. i am a slowpoke.

my chariot awaits

it's not fancy, it's not pretty, and it came with its own name (the rocket) and i love it. it is definitely a boy car, i'm not sure how i know, but i do. abby and dottie were most certainly ladies, but this car is a boy. maybe a teenage boy. a sweet one, before he gets all angsty and starts listening to a lot of lamb of god and hating girls because they don't understand him.

viva le rocket!

in other news, not only did i learn how to drive a stick yesterday but i also did my taxes. take that, life dumping shit on me. i will prevail! i shake my tiny fist of fury at you! my taxes are done and the money is on its way!

this accident came at an awful time, what with the new move and my not having any money in savings or on my cards to use, but at the same time tax season was right around the corner and the rocket was just waiting for a new owner. the initial stress is gone, i slept last night without having horrible dreams and waking up every few hours to freak out silently in the dark, and even though i have some work ahead of me, i feel more confident than i have in a long while. maybe this signals a new era, the "amanda learned how to be a grown-up" year(s). who knows.

I WON

dude! i can drive a stick! not great, and i did stall in at an intersection, but i can drive it and i got home all in one piece and I LOVE THIS CAR. not because it's amazing or fast or fancy, not because it's pretty or is going to help me get a cute boy, but because it's small, good on gas, runs and is mine. i can get to work without worrying or trying to bum a ride (which is hard in the middle of nowhere colorado), i will have some time to get a plan and money together, i can maybe get some sleep and who knows; maybe in some ways this accident was a good thing. i would have never learned to drive stick otherwise, and it has kind of made me realize that as far as being prepared goes i have some work to do.

plus, i have a new car to put bumper stickers on. once i put a peachy-peach air freshener into the rocket, and a glow-in-dark mary, it will truly be mine.

whooo!!! i feel like a genius, even though a whole lot of people know how to drive a stick already. i'm one of them now! i rule!

i'm not even sure where to start

on thursday it was kind of slow at work, and just about everyone was working, and so i asked to go home early. with the move and working 6 days in a row, i was tired and just wanted to go home and do some unpacking and eat a real meal in my new kitchen (not just eat something in the car or standing up). because there were so many of us at work, i got to leave at 4:30. i thought about stopping to buy some groceries, i thought again about stopping at joann's to pick up a box to make a charging center like this, i thought about a million things i should do before going home but i just wanted to be home so badly! so i just drove home.

about a mile away from the house i came up to the top of the hill. the road that had been so nicely sanded and cleared of snow and ice up to then was suddenly covered in a thick layer of white, milky ice. there was literally a line; on one side was dark, black, wet concrete, and on the other was a long stretch of uninterrupted whiteness. i started to slow down, carefully because i didn't want to slide. too late! i realized then that sitting in the middle of the road was a car, and i tried slowing down more. i slid around and felt my rear end fishtail almost out of control, i took that split second to weigh my options realizing that on my right was a guard rail, and to my left was oncoming traffic. i wasn't slowing down and so i started honking so that the car that was just sitting there would realize i could not stop, then right before i hit i put my hands up like "i give up" and yelled oh shit. the front of my car crumpled like on tv, my glasses flew off my face, i crashed into the steering wheel and everything flew to the front of my car. two seconds later, two seconds that felt like hours suspended underwater, and the car behind me crashed into me, spinning me to the right and taking off most of the left of my bumper. i sat there for a second, thinking, "no way." after all, i'm 29 years old and have never even been in a fender bender. a moment later i panicked because i couldn't see, everything was crazy blurry and then i realized i didn't have my glasses on. i couldn't see them, so i put on my sunglasses to hunt for them. i saw one of the other drivers shaking his head at me when he saw me, like "stupid fucking girl wearing sunglasses in the dark" but they're prescription and in the dark i see even worse so i had to use them to find mine. i thought about how ralphie stepped on his when he shot them off his head at the end of the movie and started worrying about crushing mine. i found them under my brake pedal, covered in cold coffee and dirt. i got out of my car, shaky and freaking out, with the wind knocked out of me (thanks for deploying, airbag! oh wait, you didn't. jerk!) and started making calls. i got a hold of a friend's boyfriend first on accident; he had her phone and i didn't realize it. he was incredibly sweet and wonderful, but i needed to talk to someone i knew. standing there in the freezing wind i noticed that i left my car on, saw what damage was done, and looked around to see who else was involved in the crash. it was a bunch of guys. one of them freaking out pretty badly. he was a younger kid, maybe in his mid-twenties, shaking and almost crying, and there was another guy in a bright orange vest, like the kind you see on city workers by the side of the road, telling him that everything was going to be okay, that he had just gotten out of the heart ward of the hospital and the fact that we were all up and walking around was good. his car might be hurt, but he wasn't and that was important. the man in the orange vest has super shaggy hair, down to his shoulders and curly; dark with light ends. he was tanned and lean, short for a man and oddly efficient. everyone was looking at me, the only woman involved, standing there in the snow, covered in coffee, wearing a skirt, an old pair of black slip-on sneakers that i like to drive in, and a blank look on my face. it was too cold to stand there, so i got back into the car and turned it off.

it didn't take long for the cops to show up. one of them knocked on my window and i opened my door (weird but i didn't want to risk my window breaking again). he asked me a bunch of questions and i thought i was talking out loud but he kept yelling "what?!" at me and glaring. my throat hurt and felt dry, i kept thinking "i should be crying, why am i not crying?" and tried to talk up. i tried calling mom but she wasn't answering. i called my sister, and she answered with an angry voice because we've been fighting, but once i told her what happened (four-car pile up, my car is scrunched, i think this is bad) she softened. she stayed on the phone with me while i dug out my registration and insurance card, she told me stories and jokes and tried to shake me from the daze i was in. the cops came back and asked me some questions, gave me some forms to fill out, yelled at me some more to speak up.

at some point a woman driving by the scene stopped. she had on one of those jackets that looks like a sleeping bag with sleeves, a dusty purple color, like a bruise, wild white hair fluffed out about her face. it was windy, the thin strands of her hair floated around her like they had a life of her own. she came up to all of us, said something to the men, hugged a few of them. i assumed she knew one of them, then she came knocking on my passenger side window. i was confused, but said, "yeah?" she opened the car door, asked if i was hurt, did i need to talk? i shook my head no, went back to lay my head on the steering wheel when she stopped me, told me she just wanted me to know that jesus has a very special plan for me, and that i needed to know that. she was praying for me, and we were all very lucky not to be hurt or dead. i murmured an agreement on this last point, then put my head on the steering wheel and went to ignoring her. what a time for prostelyzing. she god blessed me and shut the door. thinking back on it the virgin mary's on my dash might have made her think i cared about what she was saying, but when she said, "special plan" all i could think was "a broken car? that's his big plan?"

the jackass i hit, the one just sitting there in the road, yelled about how i was "tearing over the hill" and how he "pumped my breaks to get her to slow down" but i just glared at him from inside the car. he had evidently stopped to help someone who slid into a ditch, but instead of pulling a few meters down the road and over to the shoulder he just stopped his car where you couldn't see it until you were over the hill and it was too late. the more i think about this the angrier i feel. if he had just pulled further down the road, over to the side, i would have had room to slide a bit before my tires caught, i wouldn't have had to decide if i was going to hit him, the guard rail, or the traffic coming toward me. i had to make that horrible decision in about half a second, and it says a lot that the guy behind me, the one who saw me sliding and honking and trying to get out of the way couldn't stop either.

i got a ticket, of course. it's about $60 and the least of my concerns. if i pay it within 20 days i get my 4 points reduced to 2. my shoulder hurts, my neck is wonky, i bruised one of my knees up and my ankle is also stiff. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. i brought my car to a body shop and they think the damage to the body is more than the car is worth. i rented a ford focus, which oddly enough, is all zippy and fun to drive. of course, i drive it with my teeth clenched and my knuckles white and palms sweaty. every car i see on the road is a potential enemy. i lie in bed at night making mental lists about all the things i have to do, trying to figure out where exactly i'm going to find the money to pay for a new car, why i didn't get full coverage insurance, whether or not the other guy's insurance will pay for anything, trying to remind myself that it could have been worse, i could have been hurt or hurt someone and that this is something that a LOT of people have gone through. of course, explaining this to my brain is small comfort, as it just wants to run through every doomsday scenario over and over again, embellishing each scenario with a little more gruesome detail (i'll end up broke, on the street, with no teeth!). if i sleep at all right now, it's fitfully and in starts and stops. a few hours here, a few hours there, waking up wide awake and unsure of where i am. the move is stressful enough, this was something that could have waited a week or two to happen!

i know that i just have to plow through this, grit my teeth and deal, but i want to just lie in bed for weeks. i might not be sleeping in there, but it's better than facing the real world. my roommate's are upset i'm not unpacked yet (!), and i still have no internet access so i can't really look for a new car or start selling stuff on ebay. luckily my friend M at work, M who was the first person i talked to after the crash and was the most helpful, M who is my new best friend, lent me his computer and connection card for the next few days. i'm going to use it to look up what i should do next, figure out how much a new car might cost me, map out a few plans and start selling stuff.

honestly, i feel totally overwhelmed. this has never happened to me before, and i am woefully unprepared. if you have any advice you can offer, i'd be glad to hear it. i'm going to go unpack some stuff now, maybe set up my bookshelf and listen to some more elliot smith. i do realize that i'm lucky to not be hurt, that walking away from a crash that big is a wonderful thing, but i am kind of freaked out about what i'm going to do next. this was the longest post on earth! sorry. i've been carrying all this around with me for days, making notes on post-its and drawing little pictures of crashing cars on everything. i'll be fine in a day or two, i just need to adjust and figure out what to do next. not having a plan feels a lot like careening down that hill, not able to stop, numb and cold and extremely slow.