done

after the real insurance company got involved, the one responsible for the rear end of my car, things moved along at lightening pace. abby was totalled out, i was given a figure, and i went to clean her out.
lately i've given a lot of thought to colorado, living here, moving home, and all that, but it wasn't until i saw abby again that i realized what i was doing. seeing her was like a punch in the gut; i hadn't realized how badly she was banged up and how lucky i was to walk away from the accident. any other car might have crumpled, but she held solid and i'm a lucky girl to have known her. seeing her also made me think about how the whole colorado experiment has been one big failure after another, but it could have been worse, you know? it's exhausting to feel happy to be leaving and awful at having done such a poor job of fitting in here, i feel pulled in two ways at once most of the time here.

in a lot of ways the accident was the best thing to happen to me. it clarified a lot for me, extremely quickly. without it i'd stay even longer here, which wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily, but would keep me from what i think of as my real life. this is like one very long working vacation, i never felt settled in.

my pop is angry because he sees me as a failure and doesn't like to think he raised a kid who couldn't hack it on her own. it won't do me any good to point out to him that i don't feel like i completely failed; i made it out here on my own, i paid my own way, i got into some trouble but for the most part am coming home intact. there's no shame in (or at least not a lot of shame) in admitting this isn't for me. am i supposed to be miserable to prove a point? perhaps, but i don't want to be. i won't suffer just to show that i can and no matter what he thinks of me i'm still going home. my life isn't what he or my mother expected or wanted for me, but it's still mine. slightly screwed up and weird, awkward and strange at times, but it's what i've made for myself. i can't take any of it back, and regret never changed a thing for anyone. i promise not to talk a lot about it anymore, after all, what is there really to say? i moved, had some moderately good times, realized that it wasn't for me, went home. it's not that big a deal. he'll get over being mad, i'll get over feeling out of place (it will take some time though, i've felt this way for over a year now and it's like second nature to me), and everything will work out.