si o no?

another set of the fetching fingerless mittens from knitty. this time i used a creamy wool with some thin, sparkly silver yarn thrown in for good measure. i can't tell if i love them or hate them. the silver bits are pretty subtle, but kind of punk rock. i don't know. i'm feeling all self-conscious and weird today.

mainly it's because i ran into some photos a girl i used to be friends with posted on flickr (oh flickr i love you but sometimes not so much!) and it made me sad. don't get me wrong, this was (is) a girl i decided i didn't want to be friends with, and so i stopped being friends with her, but it was not exactly a good break-up. i had another blog at the time, and she had one, and she said a lot of shitty things about me on hers, and i said things to her that might not have been very nice, but at the same time i was having a really hard time explaining why i did not want to be friends with her anymore and she just kept beating at a dead horse until i got sort of snippy. jesus, that was a long sentence. the thing is, i just didn't like how she treated her other friends. i didn't know her for very long, but these were people she grew up and she was doing things that if i were on the other end of, i would have been pretty upset. i've been friends with enough people in my day to know that how you see someone treating their friends is how they will someday treat you, and so i got off that ride because i knew how it ended. shitty? maybe. that whole "best girl friend" thing makes me nervous anyway (for a number of reasons that i'm not going to bore you with), and at the time i was hanging out with a bunch of kids i didn't think i could trust and wasn't comfortable with, and so i stopping hanging out with them. she wouldn't let it go, and i tried so hard to just say, "look, i don't want to be friends. the end," but she insisted on knowing why and i said some things that were probably pretty hurtful. however, i said them in private and she let it all out on the blogosphere, and now when i see her photos (which i am compelled to look at) i feel sad because i really did like her, sad that i can't make friends, like a loser for not having that many, and like the home i love i can't go back to because i would hate to run into her and basically everyone else i have a weird past with.

the friends i have i adore, and i feel lucky to have them, but that whole easy way i used to have of meeting people and making them my own is gone. maybe i'm too picky, maybe i'm too difficult to get along with, maybe i really am a drama queen, but i can see a difference in myself from a few years ago to now. i'm decidedly less open, and i don't know if this is a phase i'm going through, along with my early-midlife-crisis, or what. i joke about my impending spinster-hood, but i worry about being alone sometimes. and i worry that those mittens are butt-ugly.