1010!

that's the number of this post. 1,010. like a palindrome, gone very, very wrong. a backwards palindrome?

i've been thinking today a lot about closure* and forgiveness and all that shit. yesterday at work a co-worker totally broke down on me in the bathroom, full on sloppy tears and snotty nose. she told me a horrible story from her youth and then concluded it by telling me that her family thinks she should "be over it by now" and wants her to forgive a cousin who pretty seriously abused her as a child. i held her in the bathroom, all hot and sticky and shuddering, and told her to fuck that noise--sometimes what people do is unforgivable and if she's not ready, then she doesn't have to. personally, i'm all for grudges. i know that you're supposed to let shit go and forgive and it's supposed to be better for your skin and karma, but i don't care. a grudge can be a warm blanket on a cold day, and plotting revenge is a sweet treat that i love to indulge in. this might make me a shallow, horrible person but i'm okay with that. at the very least i'm honest. i told my co-worker to just tell me where her cousin lives, i'll show up with rotten eggs and a case of toilet paper and make his morning terrible. i could plot other, worse thing, but i'm sure she's got that covered. i told her to not feel bad about feeling shitty; she already feels lousy, why feel guilty for feeling that way? what happened to her was awful, if she feels bad about it, that's more than okay.

*a boy i used to date ran into some friends of mine at a bar the other night and said he felt bad we had no "closure." i think when he stopped calling me he closed things up just fine. i don't need to have some big talk about why we were mismatched or why he bailed. we were, he did, end of story. even if we had some talk that spelled it all out, i'd still feel shitty about it. no amount of talking or good intentions clears that feeling up. all i can really do is feel it, get over it, move on. closure is for pussies, and is one thing i hate about psychobabble and television talk shows. there is no such thing as closure, as far as i'm concerned. talking about it makes me uptight.

there's a good chance that i am a horrible person, but honestly, if you fuck with me or my people, odds are that i'm not going to forgive or forget. i might not exact the sort of sordid revenge i daydream about, but i won't give up my right to feel shitty and lousy and angry. only people who feel guilty and/or know they suck, think about things like closure and forgiveness. i believe more people than like to admit it feel the way i do, and would rather cradle a grudge, feed it and love it and nuzzle it before bed, than smile and forgive and shrug and move on. the thing is, i think you can hold a grudge and move forward. eventually the heat of a grudge fades and another one takes it place or you just find yourself doing something else. i can hold my purse and walk around town just fine, i can take that grudge with me wherever i go. true story.