i gave you five days

(five days free of complaining about my job. but now i'm back!) i know i expect too much of work, and that it's insane that i have such a hard time working for morons, and that i was unemployed long enough to appreciate having a job (any job!), but this is it. i'm staying until the end of this week and that's all. that's four days. i can do four days. the thought of being here on moment longer, though, makes me want to tear my skin off.

thank you for reading. i'm done.

no wait, i'm not done. last week i talked myself out of being in a bad mood about the job-situation, which works sometimes. today i am having a hard time talking myself out of hating it here, i'm feeling very "who cares?" and "what's the point?" about the whole thing. i know i'm selfish and it's extraordinarily self-absorbed of me to hate a job this much, to want out just because it annoys me, regardless of the money. it's hugely immature. if i had a family to support, maybe i would be able to stick it out, to see this in bigger, broader terms. as it is, i find myself exasperated and rolling my eyes and crunching my eyebrows together. i feel mean and spiteful today, and i've got that too-familiar itch to burn some bridges. why can't i just grow up? people do it all the time, every day, and yet i'm still acting out an extended adolescence that stopped being attractive about a million years ago.

god, i'm whiny. what's funny is that i've been complaining lately about someone who only complains about one thing and dude! i'm just like her!

i think part of this is homesick-doldrums. i thought i'd be through with that by now, but i guess i'm not. i find myself thinking fondly about seattle, and when i left there i sort of wanted to burn it down. amazing how everything looks so much rosier when viewed in hindsight.

while i do complain a lot lately, i am actually having a pretty good time when i'm not plotting and scheming against the world. i'm painting a lot more, which makes me happy, and knitting all sorts of fun stuff. i'm meeting new people who i actually like, and i'm finding it easier and easier to do stuff that ordinarily freaks me out. it's just i only write about the freaked-out-complaining stuff as of late. i guess i'm hoping to hear that i'm not totally crazy, that feeling this way is perfectly normal and that it will pass. this new life of mine has me wondering what to expect next, thinking about what i used to think was normal vs. what is becoming normal. growing pains of the annoying kind!