nerves

i am a bundle of nerves. raw, exposed, uncomfortable nerves. i feel super on edge, like there are many, many ants in my pants and all of them are having a seizure right now.

first things first: i want the goddamn baby to show. the longer she's in there, the more anxious i get. i'm probably over-thinking the whole thing, but i won't lie, i'm nervous about something bad happening. i won't stop fretting until she's here and all limbs and fingers are accounted for.

secondly: what the hell am i doing? should i keep working, should i go back to school and get a degree that might actually result in my being qualified for a job? the thought of going back to school makes me tired, but i have what might be the world's most useless degree. i've also been feeling massive amounts of guilt and regret over leaving school before finishing my master's degree. i know why i did that at the time, and i don't think getting my degree would have actually done me any good (again, i did something useless!), but goddamn i'm going to be paying that off forever. i honestly wish i'd gotten out sooner, when i wanted to. while i think college was good for me in a lot of ways, i studied something i loved but didn't actually want to work in. i loved teaching while working, but don't love academic politics. i could study forever, but they won't pay you for that. i've always wanted to work in a museum (either art or history), as a tour guide. getting a degree for that would help, but let's face it, those jobs are few and far between. i'm hesitant to spend any more money on school as well, seeing as i pissed that last degree away. then i think about culinary school, which would be super fun and would probably ensure that i could get a job anywhere. after all, people will always eat. working with my mom and sister catering was probably the best time i ever had working, and i'd like to do more of that. then again, i do like kids and maybe teaching them would be worthwhile. there's a program here at the university of colorado that's just for getting your teaching certificate. they have an orientation coming up tomorrow that i just found out about, but there is also on on the 6th of next month. if i could teach high school kids anything, i'd teach history or art. do you think they'd let me keep my ear plugs?

thirdly: i realize that lately i've been complaining a lot. much more than normal, and this bothers me. i don't want to be that girl who bitches and whines and freaks out all the time. sometimes just admitting i'm being boring and wasting my time kvetching is enough to get me to knock it off. it's easy to feel overwhelmed and then just spend all my time voicing my concerns, the trick is to maybe just do something. stop with the talk and on with the doing. that sounds all pop-psychology, even to me, but sometimes this is just something i need to say out loud. and by that i mean, "make you read about it."

and last but not least, have you seen the new cooking show, ham on the street? i have the biggest crush ever on the host, george duran. holy cuteness. maybe i should go to culinary school just to snag a boy who can cook...