every morning before i go to this shitty job i have a panic attack. i wake up before the alarm goes off, heart pounding like i just got done running a race, wide eyed and confused and freaked out. i spend the rest of the morning up and trying to talk myself out of feeling so shitty. this job sucks, there's no doubt about that; i was basically hired to be a punching bag for customers. they hired a "greeter" so that customers can yell at me and then the salesguys can butter them up and sell them shit they don't need and get their commission. i stand there for hours with people irritated that i can't (and am not allowed) to tell them anything about the phones or plans, or get made fun of by assclowns for just having to stand there. "all you do is stand here and say hello? that's so stupid." yes, jackass, i know.
i fucking hate cell phones. i hate that they're everywhere you go, that kids have them, and that people feel like they can't be alone for more than thirty seconds so they have them surgically attached to their hands. i am the most foolish girl on earth to think that this job was in any way reasonable. i should have never listened to that goddamn recruiter.
yes, it's bad, but it's not so bad that i should panic like this before going in. especially considering i've been there a few times and know that it won't kill me. it doesn't seem to matter that i know all this in my head, my body still revolts against the idea. i'm not sleeping, and when i do it's only for hour-long spurts at best; not sleeping makes me feel sort of over-emotional, which i'm sure is a side effect you would have never seen coming; the days i had off i did nothing but wait and hope for the phone to ring with an offer from the company i interviewed with last week. the call never came and that makes me want to burst into tears.
at the same time, i was the one that accepted this job. the job itself isn't the root of all evil, i think it's what it represents to me. my foolishness, the fact that i'm a million miles from home and just realized this is a bit harder than i thought it would be. i feel like such an idiot, i'm embarrassed to tell you any of this. this was all my idea, so what does that say about me?
5 comments:
Oh, I ache for you. Maybe just consider this job as "transitory" -- and keep looking. I guess it's true that wherever we are, life's requirements (JOB) gets in the way of pleasure, growth, and peace of mind. Gah!
And I like your bunny. It has a certain character. Makes me think of a Thalidomide bunny. (My bad). However, I'd bet Maggie would cuddle up to it regardless. ~Tonya
i hate to dig up an old, tired saw, but the 'home is where the heart is' bit holds some truth. it seems that your heart, or at least part of it, is back on the west coast, and there's not much (that you've told us about) apart from a change of scenery for you in colorado.
i'm preparing to bolt from my office, so i'll have to formulate more coherent thoughts on this and write again...plus i owe you at least 2 emails. i do love the bunny as-is, though; maybe rababbit just needs to be blocked?? <--look at me, talking like i know something about knitting!
i don't know if it helps but when i packed up and moved away from home i went through some weird phases of i love this place, i HATE this place, and then things just settled down and became overall good. it just takes like 6 months, or at least it did for me. i hope your heart feels better soon :)
I've moved twice in my life, and both times it took me at least a year to feel comfortable in the new place. Both times I was really glad I did it. I think it's really good for you. Also, anything that's worth doing is harder than hell, unfortunately. You'll get somewhere good from this even if you move back home. Patterns need to be broken for personal growth to happen. Also, keep looking for different work. It will eventually happen. It's taken me 14 months, and I'm still looking (though I just got a long-term freelance thing that I hate intensely, but will return money to my wallet for the first time in months), but I have this gut feeling that someday, something will work out for me. Remember, you don't own employers anything. You have the power to control your own life. Find something else, and shitcan that place. Good luck.
I meant "owe employers," not "own employers." Though owning employers would be alright.
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