i still woke up early this morning, after having some seriously fucked-up dreams (i believe these dreams are called "nightmares"), but not as panicked. which is something.

when i like it here, i really like it here, but when i'm unhappy i tend to be just ridiculously miserable. the strange thing is how i can go back and forth a few times in a week; i sort of thought i'd move, be too busy for homesickness and all that that, get a job, settle in, become sad for a while when i realized what i'd done, then snap out of it and be a-okay. of course, it's not like that at all. it can change on a daily basis. it's a fairly big adjustment, when you get right down to it.

the truth is, seattle and i weren't exactly best friends when i left. i felt stymied and trapped there, and really needed a change. i knew if i stayed i'd never leave, i'd stay stuck in the same rut, doing the same things, complaining about the same shit and wondering what would have been if i'd ever actually moved. everyone does this at some point, i just did it later than most kids. i don't think i'll stay out here forever, but i'm not going home for a while. it's hard to explain why i think i need to do this, but i know i have to. i know it's going to suck for a while, then hopefully get better.

the work situation is troubling, but yesterday i thought at least i'm working. yes, this job sucks major ass (oh my, it is like the king of suck), but i never have to go in more than two days in a row, and i can sneak in a game of sudoku and make snarky lists at my little podium.

i didn't get the other job. the temp place i'm using right now sort of annoys me because i can't call and talk to anyone, and i think the guy who's placing me was irritated i didn't call him right back yesterday, but he called at the start of my shift and i had to wait until lunch. i can't just sit around waiting for him to decide he can call me back or talking to some snippy receptionist who won't let me just leave a fucking voice mail.

maybe by the time he finds me a new job i'll be sufficiently broken in spirit to love anything he send me! cross your fingers. (and thanks for the comments yesterday, they made me feel a little less crazy.)