blue in the face

nataliedee.com
it's no big deal, but i am feeling kind of down these days. a little on the blue side, nothing too terribly serious, but honestly, getting out of bed some days is a task on par with climbing some big ass mountain to me. when i step back objectively and look at things, i'm relieved to know that feeling this way is actually pretty normal, considering. things aren't that great, i should want to crawl under the covers and stay there another half hour.

when i think about my life this time last year, i was fairly happy. it's true i was freaked out about my work situation (if you had told me last year that i would still be working for this grocery store, i would have punched you in the face, and yet! here we are!), and my pop's health, but happy to be home. grateful i could help out with radiation duties, even if that sucked for everyone involved. enjoying maggie in the morning, and the way she would crawl up onto the couch with me to cuddle in the morning. my little brother* was still alive. i was in love. i was happy it was fall and aside from a few bumps in the road, having a fairly good time. i wasn't exactly where i wanted to be, you know, because i lived with my parents, but i felt pretty confident that i was on the right track.

i don't think i can say that now. i'm still trying, don't get me wrong, but i feel this overwhelming sense of spinning my wheels lately. my debt is still out of control, i am living in a house that i wish i wasn't living in (or maybe with different roommates!), i have a job that is problematic even when it's good, things on the boy front are dismal at best**, and more than fifty times a day i think, "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" we're like children, we're not men. no, no we aren't men, and i can't call myself a grown-up with any conviction. bleh.

i'm trying to draw more small comics, remembering a piece i read years ago by sean nelson (one of my favorite singers and songwriters), where he quoted an old adage, "happiness writes white." got a little sad in me, i'm going to draw little pictures to make it feel better. what else can i do? staying in bed permanently isn't really a viable option.

*for those who don't know, my little brother was my parent's black cocker spaniel, daggett. he was awesome, and the joke when the got him was that they got my sister and i a "little brother" and that's what we always called him.

**duh. i'm not going to spell it out for you, but i knew it wouldn't last long and it didn't. it was fun and all, but then my phone quit ringing. i guess i'm not as awesome as he said i was!