true story

maybe it's because i'm sick (some stomach bug side-swiped me, making me barfy for longer than was comfortable!) or maybe it's because i have pms, or maybe it's because all i want to do is cry today, but i'm going to tell you the real reason i've been so moody and shitty and down-on-myself. it's not a pretty story, though, and i'm afraid it makes me looks shallow and petty and way too invested in what boys think of me.

okay, and here is the thing i wanted to tell you but didn't, the thing that's got me down like nothing else. remember mr. guy i work with that i have a huge crush on? yeah, well we finally made our move. by "we" i mean i started it but he totally took the ball and ran with it. it was fun. it was more than fun. then he started getting all weird and not returning my phone calls and meanwhile i'm busy telling no one anything because we work together and i figure no one needs to know, and he agrees. then, about a week after our little rendezvous i find out he's been out all week with another girl we work with. a girl who he always made fun of me for hanging out with, a girl he never did anything but shit-talk, a girl who frankly looks like miss piggy with a bong. she's the girl with the giant mouth who found the fisherman's personal ad on yahoo and told the whole store! basically, i'm honest with him about having a big old crush, he takes advantage of that, then moves on to a muppet. a skanky muppet with a drinking problem. i feel like shit. i'm hurt, humiliated, and sad. he picked her over me, and i can't help but thinking i totally should have known better. i should have seen this coming! i knew he was cowardly, i just didn't realize the extent of it. they're still hanging out, almost two weeks later. everyone at work knows about them, no one knows about he and i (except for two or three folks, who are very good at keeping pie holes shut), and every time i see him i just want to crawl into a big hole and die. or set him on fire. i vacillate between anger and hurt, with part of me thinking "well at least i'm not a fucking coward" and part of me shrinking away like "oh my god, he really likes her more than me." he picked her over me! or maybe he didn't. i don't know. he won't talk to me, and that's probably for the best. i have to tell you, that one time we hung out he was impossibly sweet and adorable and wonderful, telling me how long he'd waited for this moment, blah blah blah. i played right into it. now i feel...horrible. i feel like a loser. i can't believe i wasted a year crushing on this guy! oh my god, i am so retarded.

i understand that being hurt is a reasonable response to this situation. i realize that it will pass, and that finding out now what kind of man he truly is is for the best. i know that i didn't do anything wrong, and that more than anything i should be angry at him for lying to me and being deceitful. it just hurts. i'm not the sort of girl who mopes about boys normally; i might feel awful but it tends to be short-lived, and i can shrug off boys who don't dig me. i've never been the pretty girl, i've always been sort of challenging to date, and i'm not everyone's cup of tea. i'm almost 31 years old, i know my own limitations and have worked with them for years now. something about this boy, though, this particular situation, has me feeling rotten. i really liked him. we had this fun, flirty relationship. he was a very, very good kisser. now he's dating the loudmouth stoner chick with crazy clown eye makeup. what can i do? nothing. just wait for it to stop hurting.