less nervous, just barely

i keep getting shitty news and it's bumming me out. it's totally harshing my vibes, kids. my grandmother, who i do no care for and who does not care for me, but who is still my goddamn grandma, is pretty sick. i mean, she is in her 80's and most of what's wrong with her is simply due to age, but it's gotten to the point where she needs some help. not moving-into-a-home help, but nurse-coming-by-every-day help. my grandfather passed away almost 20 years ago, and what little he left her is gone now, and then there's my good-for-nothing mooch of an uncle to take into account, and all this is bringing my mom down. of course she's helping out, as much as she can financially since grandma is over 3,000 miles away, but it's wearing on her. i'm wearing on her. having to babysit my niece on her days off is wearing on her. having a sick husband who is at times not the most charming or easy to live with man is wearing on her. three adults and a toddler crammed into 800 square feet is wearing on her. mom is tired, and rightly so.

she didn't tell me any of this until after i told her about my plan to move and get the fuck out of town. and while she's nothing but supportive of me, i can't help but feel like maybe now isn't the best time for me to start all over again. maybe what i want isn't the most important thing right now, and maybe i can start by taking one of my days off on the weekend so mom can actually, you know, relax. or zone out. or do dishes or laundry or cry in the bathtub (what? i think that's a perfectly reasonable day off activity, thankyouverymuch). i might not be close to my grandmother, but i am close to my mother and watching her go through all this is killing me. i feel like the world's most disappointing daughter, like there isn't enough i can do to help out, and am i really that pissed about the 12 year old stealing my face srub? god, i suck.

the only things keeping me sane are a little something i like to call benzo's, as well as cheese and cartoons and hearing maggie tell me over the phone that she is a burrito and would like a balloon, balloon, now please. i keep making and re-making plans, drawing out schematics in my head and crunching numbers and trying not to freak out on every and anyone who asks, "hey, how ya doin'?" i feel like i'm going to explode. POW!

now i'm going to go climb into my own bathtub, and try to relax because i just found out that tomorrow i have a cheese class at an ungodly hour. and by "ungodly" i mean "before noon." jesus, don't they know i'm not mrs. mary sunshine in the morning?

p.s. i got to see The Boy last night, only for a little while i was at work and he was doing homework, but it was nice. he's got a cute smile.

p.p.s. i still need to find a new place live. cheaper than $400 and not to crazy far away from work would be awesome. know anyone who needs a nerdy roommate?