fuckity fuck fuck, with a side of shit sandwich

impostor, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the scene last night was right out of cops, with the fisherman screaming and yelling and calling me everything but a white girl before he punched a hole in the wall. i didn't really think you could actually do that, i thought it was a figure of speech. i was wrong. dude, i was wrong about a lot shit. let's just add that to the list, shall we?

needless to say, even though it was painfully late at night i left the apartment and came to my folk's. where else could i go that time of night? who else wouldn't freak out at my sulking in at two a.m.? i might bitch and moan and complain about my sister sometimes, but i really am glad my parents had her. she fed me carrot cake for breakfast this morning, and cups of coffee and took the phone call of me sobbing and freaking out late last night. when i need her she's there, when i need any of my people they're there. the fisherman? not so much, if ever. which is why i ended this, why i decided that regardless of our history and the good times and my feelings that he wasn't going to be a good addition to my family. he's never going to get that, he's just not right for me or us.

things aren't good, but they aren't as bad as i feared they would be. he said he's going to leave some money for the last month of our lease, but i'll wait to see it before i believe it. he's supposed to be gone tonight, and after this i honestly have no plans to ever see or talk to him again. in the midst of all the screaming and yelling and telling me what i loser i am, how he thought i was a "bigger person" than this (?), i pointed out to him quietly that where i come from we don't get belligerent drunk and freak out in a loud way. if any of our neighbors had been home, they would have called the cops, and who could blame them? besides the screaming and yelling he was busy breaking glasses and throwing shit around, which made us sound like hillibillies on our honeymoon. it was yet another humiliating episode in the "amanda takes a fisherman" show, and at the end of it all i realized that's the reason i want out. that this isn't the first time he's done this, it won't be the last, and where i come from people who love each other don't get violent and crazy and stupefyingly drunk before they talk about their feelings.

i know i was fine before he came along, and i'll be fine afterward, but right now i just feel foolish and ashamed and nervous. i'm going to look for a new place to live and a new job and make a plan. the life i was waiting for is here and i have to do something about it.