less than 24 hours

today was long, like i thought it would be, but i got through it. when i got home i fell apart a little, but i think that might have been because i kept expecting it to happen, so then, duh, it did.

lately i keep thinking about whether or not i'll be put back on medication. for a few years i did indeed take an ssri, but earlier this year i went off them. it was actually about eight months ago. i was at a point in my life when i didn't think i needed them, and you know i was busy changing everything about my life so i kind of thought, "why not one more thing?" at the time, being off the medication felt like a real accomplishment, like i'd cured something all by myself. the past few months though, i've realized that maybe my brain just doesn't work the way it should. it's not that far-fetched an idea, as i'm not the only person in my family who has some issues and some of it might be heredity. taking the pills everyday was sort of a drag, and i hated it when people referred to them as "happy pills," because they don't make me happy they just keep me from being so goddamn sad and freaked out, and there was always the hiding it so no one would think i was nuts. at the same time, this is who i am. and if i need to take a little pill every day so i don't burst into tears or have panic attacks that wake me up in the middle of the night, then okay. i've tried the happy holistic things, the vitamins and the deep breathing and the working out, and while some of it helps, i just might not be the kind of person who can only do that. i know right now i need some help, and i probably need the chemical kind, and so okay. anything has to be better than this.

also, while i did not particularily enjoy the first pirates of the carribean (i didn't even watch the whole thing, i got kind of bored), i will gladly sit through an hour or more of boring shit for a big kraken. just so you know.