no statement has ever made me feel more relieved and embarrassed: i'm moving home. not for a few months, but i'm done with colorado. instead of moving out of this apartment and into another one, i'm going to pack all my stuff back up and move it back west when my roommates move out. right now i'm trying to figure out how to do it a bit cheaper than the first time; i think i'm going to get a hitch for my car and rent a trailer. i also forsee a lot of mac & cheese and ramen in my future, as well as a lot less netflix and cds. i'm more than a bit concerned with how much it's going to cost, having to get a new job and a new place to live, but relieved knowing that i don't have to do this anymore if i don't want to.
i've struggled with this decision a lot the past few weeks. i had this idea in my head that making this move was semi-permanent, that i couldn't go home until after a year was up. i really felt like i couldn't even think about going home until after a year. going to texas kind of sealed the deal for me, though. i was more at home in a state i've never been to than in a state i've spent seven months in. this isn't to say i hate colorado, but it just doesn't feel like home. it never really has.
if i'd never come here i would have always wondered what i was missing. it's good to know i can do something like this, but i just don't want to anymore. i was sick of seattle when i left, felt like i was in a rut that i was having a hard time busting out of, and honestly worried that i was going to end up a crazy cat lady in a basement apartment. this move is the most revolutionary thing i've ever done, and it hasn't come without it's share of pressure. admitting that i don't like it here, that i haven't settled in and made friends basically makes me feel like a failure. at this point i can't tell which would have been worse; always wondering if i could have survived out of state, or feeling like a total loser for not adapting very well.
what it comes right down to is that i might very well be a loser, but i'm not going to make myself miserable making some point about how independent i am. i'm going home.
13 comments:
Oh mygosh! (Obviously I read your previous post before this one). Honey, do NOT feel like a failure. (I'm sorry if "Honey" is weird or patronizing, I don't mean it that way). But you are absolutely NOT a failure. You are a brave soul -- so many people would never have had the guts to take on your adventure, and that's how you need to look at this, I think. It was an adventure, and now it sounds like it's done with. Perfectly OK. Adventures have beginnings and endings. I kind of think that no matter where we live, we get sick of it, it loses its luster, we get into a rut. It's the every-day life thing more than it is the location. But on these sunny mornings on my way to work, I find myself grinning at the sight of Mount Rainier. And I've seen that mountain for 50 years now (with a 6-month break when I lived in yukky Maine and I missed that mountain desperately) -- and I never tire of it, never stop grinning when I see it.
Sometimes it takes moving away to appreciate - and realize - what we love. Yeah, you may be in for some tough times here, too. But at least you'll be "home". And now you'll be able to see that and it'll help get you through those rough spots. (And I hope they aren't too rough!) ~Tonya
Really tired at the moment, so all I can muster up is - what Tonya said. Seriously. Do not beat yourself up about the decision to move back, or the decision to move to Colorado in the first place.
And hey, now I have a really good reason to plan a future trip to Seattle. Yay!
I give a thumbs up to your decision. And you know, moving back to the NW doesn't mean that someday you couldn't move to Utah or New York (or Austin). Maybe you can be the woman who packs everything up and moves to a different state every now and again...
YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! I give you two thumbs up for the decision to go home, and this comes from a girl who has been away from home for a long time and is itching for the opportunity to go back. If things get tight, I'll add you to my list of college-aged nieces & nephews and send you a box of food/goodies every once in a while. : )
I have been reading your blog (which sounds creepy cause you don't even know me) but I feel your pain. The husband (then boyfriend) and I moved to Florida on a sort-of whim last November. We have already booked the pods to take us home next month. I too feel mixed emotions but I am glad I attempted to live out of the state I grew up in. I know that I can do it, but right now I don't want to.
Keep on truckin' or writing :).
I'm so relieved for you. I think you were gutsy to leave and equally gutsy to decide to go back. xoxo
HOORAY!
i've been waiting for you to get to this point. you've just seemed so sad since the newness of the move wore off.
i'm with the butthole surfers on this one: it's better to regret something you have done, than something you haven't done.
The great state of Colorado mourns its loss. You took a shot coming out here and you recognize it's not working out. As Wayne Grextky says, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." So just dont stop shooting. Aint to shame in your game.
i am kinda jealous really, i can't really move home. i'm not saying that to sound all feel bad for me, i just sort of realized that. what i mean is that, you are not a failure, and your home is where your heart is or whatever they say and your heart is in seattle and there is nothing wrong with that. plus, when i go visit my mom (maybe in august) we can totally go to owajimaya and have lunch or something!!!
You indeed were brave to take on the challenge, but I must say I am thrilled to hear that you will be back! I went to Uwajimaya in SEattle for the first time about a month ago and thought of you. Now you can show me around since I only got to spend about 15 minutes in there during my lunch break. My gibbies will love to play and barbecue with you and I KNOW your fmaily will be thrilled!!
P.S. There is also now a new "H-Mart" http://www.hmart.com/ in Federal Way. My Asian friend is so tickled about this because it's the first one in Washington. ~T.
i came back to see what other spuds had written, and also to say that i'm sad you didn't enjoy grey gardens. did you ever get to watch 'faust'??
Good luck with the move home! Life's too short to spend any of it being miserable, so if Colorado doesn't feel like home, there's nothing wrong with admitting it and packing up. If you're really short of cash I'll just order a stack of your really cool dish cloths for Christmas gifts! Tabitha99
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