i'm totally overwhelmed with how nice you all have been. i pretty much burst into tears when the first few comments rolled in.
in general though, i have been totally overwhelmed for weeks. yesterday morning i finally went to a walk-in clinic and admitted that i have been freaking out, don't have health insurance, and could use a good night's sleep. the sleeping pills are not working anymore. i wake up hours before i should, and while i get more sleep with them than i do with them than i do without them, i'm just exhausted. i can't shut my brain off. i feel panicked just about 24 hours a day. when i'm not convinced i'm having a heart attack and dying, i'm extremely upset and crying at the drop of a hat. everyday human interactions are excruciating for me because i'm sure i'm going to freak out in front of someone and they'll know how crazy i am. knowing what my new plan is, having said it out loud is helping (i told my family when i got home from texas), but i don't think i can do this alone. it's too much. i haven't said anything to anyone about this for months, and it's taken a toll. i have never been good at telling the people close to me, "hey i feel really awful," because i always feel like a jerk who's unloading, which is how years ago i figured out a few sessions with a therapist was good for me. talking to a stranger who gets paid to listen to me is infinitely easier for me.
that's not an easy thing for me to admit. in general i do not believe in talking about my experiences with mental health professionals in public. at the same time, that makes me a total hypocrite. i would never tell one of my friends not to see a therapist/shrink, i would never ever in a million years make fun of someone for getting help when they need it, but i have this total double standard with myself. it's perfectly okay for you to be crazy, but me? no. even i realize this is unfair. i'm having some trouble right now, and i don't want it to get worse. i want to be able to get up every morning and go to work and do a good job, i want to feel better, but that's not going to happen down here in my bedroom. i can't tell you how hard writing this paragraph has been. i've struggled with anxiety and depression for years, but have this feeling that it's my fault. that if i were better somehow i wouldn't freak out, that if i were stronger i could control it. i feel like this is a problem that i have because i'm weak, that it's all in my head. which i guess, in a way, it is. in other ways, though, it's not that different from any other illness.
i'm telling you this because i don't think it's right to hide it. because odds are you or somone you know have been through the same thing. maybe i'm telling you so i don't feel so alone. i don't know anymore.
8 comments:
First off, congratulations to you for up and moving in the first place. It takes a huge amount of courage to move somewhere far from home. Especially when there's no family nearby. Secondly, by all means, call me if you need to talk. As many times as I've "unloaded" in your ear, and you've said things to me to help me see thingsd from a different POV, or just comforted me, I OWE you some unloading time. Seriously. You're an amazing woman!!!
you are so un-alone on this.
i had panic attacks for years before i finally went to a therapist. 'issues'? i had about 20 bags packed and in my posession at all times by the time i started seeing her, and saw her 3x weekly (hello, sliding scale, i think i love you!) for 4 years. during this time, my mom died, and let me tell you that the only reason i'm here today and not somewhere in the ether/scattered on a hilltop is because i was seeing a therapist. i was hanging on by a thread and it was quickly unraveling.
i'm totally not trying to one-up your situation, just saying that you are most certainly not alone, and you could let it go on for a long time (like i did) and end up being more set in your not-so-healthy ways, or getting creative and inventing worse-for-yourself things to do.
i know we've never met in real life, but that doesn't stop me from believing that you're a good person and you deserve better than what you've currently got.
as for sleeping, i was on ambien for a while, and it really didn't help. i'm still an insomniac (yay for 3.5 hours last night!) but i've learned to cope, i guess. i'm not 'fixed' and i probably never will be, but at least i'm better than i was 11 years ago.
Yes, I have been through the same thing. Most of my life I have been on the brink of mild depression. Like you, I have had trouble sleeping and never seem to get enough sleep.
However, for a year now, I have been taking St John's Wort which has helped. It has certainly helped me shrug off the little stuff so I can concentrate on the big stuff.
Glad you are moving back to the Pacific Northwest. Being closer to your folks will help. Sometimes life requires us to make a U-Turn - it's nothing to beat yourself up over.
You are doing the right thing by talking things out. I totally went through the same thing a couple of years ago after struggling pretty much my whole life with no sleep and a mild to moderate panic disorder that kept me from admitting I had said disorder. I spent some concetrated, quality time with a good therapist that helped me start to heal myself and not beat myself up so much over everything.
I really feel for you but I totally think that getting all of this out there (to the web or a trained professional) are definitely steps in the right direction.
i've struggled with anxiety, depression and panic attacks too in the past, but now it's all more or less under control thanks to a mild anti-depressant., which also helps me to sleep. Part of me hates needing a pill a day to keep me sane, but the alternatives are so much worse and once that whole cycle of no sleep, panic etc starts, it's nearly impossible to bust out of it through will power alone. I'm sure moving back home and having your family closer will help. Take care of yourself. Tabitha99 oh crap, I failed the word verification test AGAIN!
Nope, you're not alone. I've been taking an antidepressant for 9 years. Keeps me "even". I definitely appreciate "even".
Sometimes, especially with all those road-ragers out there, I think that a large percentage of the population would benefit from being "even". Maybe there would be no need for wars? (heh heh) ~Tonya
Taking those steps to help yourself feel better and writing about it here is super fucking brave. Not the ohmygod, I can't belive she just said that kind of brave. Brave in a you're my new hero kind of way.
For the record, I'm on two different flavors of meds and they help me with my own particular brand of panic attacks. Reading your post made me feel better about my most recent private meltdown. As others have said, you are most certainly not alone in this.
Take care.
everything i want to say makes me sound like a creepy pusher...i have pills...i will share...come home now...you get the point
*c
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