i am sleepier than usual

which is good for me, but boring for you. i took a nap this afternoon (evening) from about 8 to 10, two whole hours! that amazes me. i haven't had a nap that long since this weekend, but that was tranquilizer induced. this was all me. i feel like i could even go back to sleep on my own. it's great.

adjusting to the medication means i'll be extra sleepy for a while, but then it will taper off. i remember this from the first time. i also remember the way food tastes weird, and how averse i am to stuff that tastes very strongly. it's all plain noodles and toast, boring stuff. my friend garlic is not my friend at the moment.

anxiety makes the world small in a couple of ways. it makes you want to stick to one very specialized, limited routine. you do the same things every day, things that are safe and comforting. you become focused on yourself only, on how your body feels, and trying to make sure it doesn't riot. you spend a lot of time talking yourself into feeling okay. you start to miss out on stuff that isn't in your routine, you avoid things that might be new, places where you might get nervous and not have an escape plan. i know that sounds ridiculous, escape plan. it's not like i'm a fugitive, but the escape plan becomes real important. having a way out all the time is important. going to the movies means scoping out a spot where you can see the film well and making sure you have access to the exit without anyone in the way. going to a new place means finding the bathroom and the fastest way out first. it all starts gradually and becomes normal though, and you don't even realize you're doing it until you don't go someplace new because the thought of having to make a new escape route makes you tired. it's isolating and exhausting. being that nervous takes a lot of work, and a lot of planning. it's not all fun and games, kids.

watching fargo on amc i'm laughing at the words they dubbed in over the swear words. you foolish old man! i gave simple, fruitful instructions. ha! i can see buscemi's mouth, and that was not full briefcase he said. good times. i'm going to start replacing "fucking" with "fruitful" from now on.