much better combo than you might think. yesterday was all ups and downs, starting with a huge fight between me and who else? he says he wants me out of the apartment if i don't think we'll get back together, i said that was bullshit. then i came home and he was all nice and friendly and i was tired of stressing about the situation and agreed to dinner and a movie. subway and blockbuster, to be exact. we watched run ronnie run! which is david cross genius, i had two drinks and we actually got along. of course, this morning now i'm all worried he thinks this means reconciliation is imminent. this is how my life has been lately, angry in the morning and relaxed by bedtime. the stress of it is going to kill me, i know. which is why i am indeed looking for somewhere else to live. i don't want to get pushed out but i know it's better for both of us. primarily, though, it's better for me.
what bothers me the most right now is his reaction to me being angry. if i get mad about something legitimate, instead of being sorry or even confused, he just gets mad right back. i can't talk to him, because he storms off, i think to make up stories or excuses, although i don't know for sure. i'm sick to death of having to explain to him why i'm upset, how it's a normal response, and why what he does doesn't help any. maybe we could have worked this out, but when i came home and confronted him about the personal ad he shrugged and said, "i'm sorry your friends found it." then yesterday he digs into that wound a bit more by saying "oh yeah, your 'friends;' what awesome friends to tell everyone first then you. you have great 'friends." and at first i was so fucking angry and then i realized shit! yes, those people might not be my friends so much, i might not want to hang out with them anymore, but wasn't he just deflecting blame? i mean, yeah, what they did was lame and shit but they weren't my boyfriend looking for an internet girlfriend. what he did trumps what they did. and then when we tried to talk later and i called him out on being a dick while i was at my folks recently and he pouted and said that he'd had plans for the weekend for us but then i just up and left. um, yes. i did just up and leave because my dad was in the hospital. i wasn't on fucking vacation and how big a baby do you have to be to begrudge a girl for spending time with her sick pop and not you? jesus.
this is fucked up, right? i mean, i know it is, but he's always trying to make me feel like i'm crazy. what it all boils down to is that even if i love him, our relationship is not working. it's not going to work, we have too many things not in common and that work against us. i don't want to grow up and marry him. i don't want to have kids with him. and really, does it matter why i'm not feeling it? i'm not. i don't have to do this anymore if i don't want to, and while that may hurt his feelings i'm not going to stick around just so things can be hunky-dory for him.
this sucks. this is why i've never shacked up before! i was right! the break-up part of it is miserable.
5 comments:
I wish I could kick The Fisherman in the head for you. I feel so bad that he turned out to be such a dick. And, why is it you that needs to move out?? Why not him? You were there first! Is his name even on the lease? One more comment like that from him and he'd come home to find his shit on the curb, is what I'm thinkin.
I agree! And I think run, Ronnie, run is hilarious.
Nothing says "This is over" like taking all his shit out in the alley and setting it on fire.
Obviously I could *never* advocate such behaviour, but it would certainly bring the point home.
Seems Mr Fishhead wants his cake and to eat it too. Having a cozy girl at home while on the look out for another one. I doubt if he realizes he has hurt you so much that you will not forgive him. Jerk!
God, I feel like that "your angry so now I'm angry" behavior is such typical male, and it's totally to deflect blame, I think.
It's so hard to end a relationship, even when you know you should. It always makes me feel like a failure. But you're not! You tried! It worked for a while, and then it stopped working, as things do. You didn't make a mistake to try to be with someone you loved and I bet you both learned from it. Don't beat yourself up over it, and try to feel good and move on!
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