i am going a little crazy

me in VP, originally uploaded by pinprick.

it's hard to see pop in the hospital. i hated radiation therapy, but this i hate a million times more. for one thing, when did he get so damn skinny? he's got the twiggiest arms. he's also crazy pale, which is quite a feat considering how brown he is. i just saw him a few weeks ago (if even that long) at easter, and thought he looked pretty good. still thinner than i like but healthy and getting better. his hospital gown is massive, he just swims in it, and he's full of tubes and needles which is disquieting. i know he hates it in there too, which makes it worse. he's hooked up to a million different monitors, and i've noticed every time i visit someone comes in to check up on him every half hour. i suppose they call it "critical care" for a reason, but man. it's tough to see. when i'm with him i feel okay; we watch tv, i knit, he tells random stories and we chit chat, but the second i leave i have to try really hard not to burst into tears.

this was all brought on by the flu, but what i found out after i got here was that he was feeling so shitty he actually decided to go the emergency room. dad has to feel seriously, painfully bad for that to happen. when he got in and they checked his blood pressure it was only 60 (!) and the nurse was all, "you walked in?!" so they admitted him immediately, found that not only was his blood pressure dangerously low but he was also dehydrated and had a serious lung infection. the good news is his blood pressure is up enough to take him off the meds, he's full of fluids so they removed his IV, but his lungs are still bad so he's in the CCU (critical care unit) until at least tomorrow, and then they might move him into the general population.

mom's stressed out about all of this, but so sick she can't really hang out at the hospital. they're worried about her re-infecting dad, plus she kind of needs to get some sleep and drink fluids herself. my sister was on vacation until today, and to be perfectly frank she came home and pissed me off within five seconds of walking in the door. the mood in the house is tense, to say the least. instead of thanking me for, you know, watching her sick kid, she started bitching about how the house was a mess. it was, i don't deny it, but i also don't have a lot of experience with taking care of feverish two-year-olds, and was too busy making sure the baby was okay to really think of vacuuming. plus, we spent a ton of time in the living room playing so no wonder it was a bit messy. in a way i just feel totally used, and annoyed that i'm so irritated with her. i did come home to take care of mom and baby, and to see pop and keep him company, not to further some campaign to make myself into the "good kid"--i'm just doing what needs to be done and trying to help out, so i shouldn't feel like i need some sort of recognition for doing what feels like the right thing to do. i just don't want to get nitpicked for how i do it is all.

shit man, if i could get a little drunk right now i would. sorry for the bitching.