i wish i was the moon

i'm toying with the idea of drunkeness, but one of my readers (hi anne!) emailed me the other day saying, "dude, that smell thing and general yuckiness is like pregnancy 101." i paraphrase, of course, anne is a grown-up who uses the word "dude" less than i do, although not by much. i am quite positive that the only thing growing in my uterus is resentment, however, and that i really have just bought a lot of stinky lotions and emollients lately. they aren't all called "unguents" for nothing.

i think the fisherman and i have had our last fight and blow-out. things were civil when i came home, but now he's in one room and i'm in the other. it's like being alone, only a lot more tense. last night during our big hurrah he told me how upset he was that i never seemed sad in front of him. i can't understand why he would think i would go to the person causing me pain with proof of it. call me small and petty, but i can't give him that satisfaction. instead of crying at him and wanting him to make it better, i went home. i went to my people. yes, it's true i retreated from him, but at that moment he felt like the enemy and i thought maybe this is indeed why domestication isn't for me. i see blogs like this and my friends happy and married with gorgeous, amazing children and want it, but can't seem to make it happen. i feel a little wistful and think, "man, that looks fun." real life, real practice with real problems and upsets and trial finds me totally faltering. there's a part of me that thinks maybe i did give up too soon with the fisherman and part of me who thinks that the clock is ticking and life isn't forever and at thirty i might very well be middle-aged and why settle? i told my mother over coffee the other day that i thought i just wasn't cut out for home-maker, that maybe i just missed the domestication gene. she thinks i'm just not in a very good domestic situation, but i wonder if she's just being kind. she is, after all, my mother and sees me in a nicer way than i see myself.

i am sad. i do feel like crying most of the time and feel horrible and shitty and ugly both inside and out. i can hardly talk about it seriously because my throat closes up and i feel so utterly ashamed that i fucked up. rationally i know this relationship disintegrated on a few different levels, but i can't help but feel like a failure, to take it personally. i just can't let him see that. i don't want to and i'm not going to.

maybe cocktails aren't the best idea.