the fisherman quit his job about a week ago? actually i think it was longer. this means i'm not alone pretty much ever, which is getting exhausting. this is worse than when he just wasn't working, because then you know, we weren't all tense and broken-up. i can't talk about him or the situation with anyone on the phone because the apartment is small and there's nowhere he can't hear me. i can't spend a lot of time on-line writing about it because he's always here and not shy about peeking over my shoulder. all i want is a day to myself, doing my own thing, and being left alone. evidently this is way too much to ask. i look forward to my weekend because work lately has been a drag but then i get home and it's not really comfortable or fun. i spend too much time here napping or drinking. you know that old modest mouse song, "i'm trying to drink away the parts of the day that i cannot sleep away?" ugh, i'm quoting songs. that's how lame i feel. i'm waiting for something to happen, something i started but can't quite finish yet. when i told my sister what was going on her advice was "don't say anything and just move out when the lease is up without saying anything." there are days when i wish i had just taken that advice. this protracted break-up is miserable for both of us, and what's worse is that i start feeling bad for him before reminding myself that i don't have to take care of him anymore. that sounds shitty to say, but he didn't care how i felt. he wasn't worried that i was upset about my pop, he was mad i wasn't at home for his weekend. he doesn't try to make shit better, i give him the benefit of the doubt, start trying to work shit out and he gets wasted and stays out all night. he tells me i don't pay enough attention to him. he's been here for six months and made one friend and expects me to spend all my free time with him.i am tired beyond belief. i want a cocktail. i want a new place to live and a job with a boss whose mood swings don't dictate whether we have good days or shitty ones. i'm sick of her saying all sorts of shitty things to me and everyone else then laughing it off with a fake "just joking!" i hate that i don't make enough to pay my bills and i hate myself for getting into all sorts of credit card debt. i miss my stuff, still in storage and totally unpaid for. sometimes all this just feels so fucking overwhelming. all i can see are all the mistakes i made this past year and feel so ashamed. i feel ashamed feeling this bad about myself, and airing it out in public. i'm a retard. i need to just get my shit together, put on some eyeliner and stop whining. i might cry a little first, though.
