maybe. i got some yelling out of my system this morning and that felt great. although afterward i was all tense and spastic, and ended up at work an hour early. nothing says "early morning fight with the now-totally-official-ex" like showing up that early. i hid out in my car, reading the book i was smart enough to grab and having a cup of coffee. good times.
work was actually a good idea today. something about pretending to be happy and personable all day kind of rubbed off on me, and now that i'm home waiting for more backlash and fighting and trying to figure out who sleeps where and blah blah blah i actually feel okay. not thrilled, but tired of fighting and crying and feeling like an ugly old hag*. i can't do much of anything at this point that isn't just damage control, and it's unavoidable. at the end of my shift i thought about coming home, packing, and then going straight to my folks, but one way or another i'm going to have to deal with all this.
i know shutting the comments off on the last few posts is kind of a dick move, but while i need to get this all off my chest, think it through and write it out, i'm not sure i can handle a lot of actual discussion about it. plus, if any of you said something nice i might end up crying all over my keyboard (which, by the way, would be an AWESOME country song). now that everyone at work knows (and i mean everyone; people i hardly know are offering condolences and advice!), that's all they want to talk about and i think i've had enough talk therapy for a while. some of them mean it nicely and are genuinely concerned, and some are vultures about it. to those in the latter camp i just smile and say "i don't want to talk about it." at the end of the day i still talk about it more than i want to, and it's nice to know that people care but it makes me sad to have to keep thinking about it.
*it's been a while since i felt like such a loser. like i never thought i was the prettiest or foxiest girl i knew, but i never felt so small and gross. i know it's irrational and it will pass, but this sort of situation isn't really a friend to the old self esteem.
