small and smokey

this weekend was spent listening to a lot of the talking heads and hunting down sausage making stuff. the boyfriend is making a chicken, bacon and spinach sausage for his class project next week, and he didn't have a grinder so we got to spend part of sunday goofing around town looking for one. i didn't realize this, but you can find a fairly large selection of meat grinders at sportsmen's type places. evidently, a lot of deer and elk and other game is turned into sausage-y goodness, which totally makes sense. while hunting down natural hog casing (which was way harder than finding the grinder) we stumbled upon silvana meats; a butcher shop in the little town of silvana. yesterday we ventured on down there to check it out, and the moment i saw the small shop i was smitten. we walked in, and the smokey smell of hams and bacon and other cured meat delights was the first thing to greet us, and i knew it was true love. for a small shop, out in the middle of seemingly nowhere on a monday afternoon, they were hopping. there were never less than three people waiting in line the whole time we were there, and it was only 3:30 p.m. while waiting to buy our casing i found these gorgeous smoked cornish game hens. initially i was only going to buy one to check it out, but the smell! i'm telling you, it's positively narcotic how happy the scent of smoked meat makes me. i was fairly certain that they would be good, so i bought two, just in case. we cracked one open when we got home, and the kids and i devoured it cold in about five minutes. the joy of a small drumstick wasn't lost on anyone, trust me. the skin was too smokey and lovely to waste, so we put it in a hot pan and made cracklings with it (since everyone knows cold skin is gross!) which were also promptly gobbled up.

if you eat meat, and are anywhere in the vincinity of silvana, i highly recommend a trip to this meat emporium. the meats they offer are all natural, butchered on site, and the staff is friendly and crazy-knowledgeable about meat. they also offer about five hundred different varieties of sauces, salsas and marinades, which we're anxious to try out. you can buy a single, solitary steak, or half a cow. a tiny ham the size of a baby's head, or a whole pig for barbecuing. i won't even start talking about the selection of bacon, because we don't have enough time. it was a great field trip, and afterward we had a celebratory beer at the silvana road house, where someone won big on pull tabs and we got a free round! later this week one of my tiny hens is bound to become smokey little sandwiches, if it lasts long enough. if it doesn't, it's still going to be delicious.

ding dong, the witch is dead

and by witch, i mean my job at haggen. yeah, that's the store i've been working at for the past year. want some unsolicited advice? don't bother working there. other grocery stores will treat you better, trust me. i'm relieved to be done, once and for all, and looking forward to having actual weekends again. i didn't end my time there in a classy way, and i also didn't leave in a hail of gunfire and expletives, both of which i was thinking of. instead, i was slightly passive-aggressive and shitty, never actually telling my boss she could suck it but thinking it all the time. who cares how it ended, i'm just thankful it did.

i've wasted most of my weekend lounging around and drinking bloody mary's with my boyfriend, which i think is a perfectly good way to celebrate quitting a ridiculous job. today i've already gotten some grocery shopping done, and i'm going to go hang out with a friend this afternoon and goof off around town, so i suppose i should get moving in that direction. it's time for real clothes and lipgloss!

honk honk

maggie 2, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the air is impossibly dry in the MRI trailer, and lately i'm all snuffly and gross. i remember my nose going through this in colorado; the bloody noses and crusties are no fun. i'm carrying around a saline spary to combat it, which makes me look nerdier than usual, but it's starting to help. i know what comes next, and i'm not crazy about it: the humidifier. cue my crazy old lady music!

today it's been all grumpy old men and nutty ladies. i'm looking forward to going home and cleaning my room! tonight is the night that i get my bed made, clothes folded and mp3 player organized. i know i've mentioned my little zen stone before; it works like a shuffle only i think it's cuter. it had almost 300 songs on it and i was pretty much sick to death of every one, so i erased it the other day and have been putting on all new stuff. by "new" i mean things i haven't been listening to ad nauseum lately. maybe i'll stop by the boy's house on my way home to pick up some music to rip...i wonder if it's possible to stop by there and go home?! hee hee. it's homework night, so it should be do-able. we'll see!

it's been a while, hasn't it?

bobble tam, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i've been busy with work, helping my sister move (she's got a new house! not hers, a rental, but still. it's exciting!), and spending time with a certain you-know-who. i realize i've been remiss in blogging, so here is a brief recap of what's going on. let's start with my grievances, shall we?

the grocery store can officially kiss my ass. i've been trying to make it work with them, and working a few extra days a week there was supposed to help me get back on my feet and save up some money. however, i think the aggrevation of being there is outweighing any monetary benefit. what clinched it for me was two things; one is petty and stupid, but here it is anyhow. when i became assistant manager of the deli, they didn't even tell me. i applied and interviewed for it, then they jerked my chain for a few weeks, then suddenly i was on the schedule as manager and a few days after that they told me i got the job, but sorry! no pay raise. i wasn't officially offered it, and couldn't say "no" to the fact that they weren't going to give me more money. this was irritating enough and i was getting ready to go to the union about it when i got my new job. that sort of made it a moot point, as i would be relinquishing that position as well as my cheese specialist one at the same time. then the other day i notice a big note on this weeks schedule saying "congratulations!" to the woman who got the position after me. granted, she was totally their second choice since she had applied for the job when i did and i got it instead, but STILL. it was kind of a slap in the face. she gets a very public congratulations, i get written on the schedule surreptitously. hmph. the second thing was i called in on monday because my sister was having some issues with the move and needed help with maggie, but when i called out my boss actually told me "i don't see how that's should be my problem." um, okay. here's how it's your problem: I'M NOT COMING IN TO WORK. she tried to bully me into coming in and just said sorry, no. she flat out asked if i still wanted to work with them and i said, "i'm not sure." i am sure, though, and i'm going to go in the week and ask to not be put on the schedule in the future. i'm washing my hands of those jerks, once and for all.

besides that, things are going well. in fact, i'd say that because of that things are going awesome. i'm looking forward to only working four days a week, i'm going to watch maggie a few times a month for my sister, and have more time to do crafty shit and generally hang out with my friends and family. i had an excellent talk with my boyfriend the other day, and so things on that front are also good. we've been doing fun stuff, like long drives and movies. i've been obsessed with reading kelly link's short stories, have been knitting and my job at the mri place is rad. i'm getting more and more hours there, so the loss of my grocery gig won't affect me much. i think it will generally make me less surly and angsty as well. that job doesn't put me in the best mood!

what's new with you?

well this was inevitable

it wasn't a fight, exactly, but it wasn't fun. a very, very late conversation was initiated last night that ate most of my sleep time away. then this morning after three hours of sleep and the latest start on earth (i was a half hour late to work because the boyfriend forgot to set the alarm!) i find out that he might have been spazzing out because he'd had too many beers and not enough dinner.

i understand that it's normal for people to feel kind of freaked out by how they feel, but i've never understood the need to have a talk about "what if you leave me." i've also never been good at talking about my feelings, except to describe them as ones that feel good, and ones that feel lousy. i am woefully inept at the "talk" which makes me most guys fantasy girl. however, my man likes to talk about his feelings because he's a goddamn hippy*. just because i'm not good at it doesn't mean i can't do it, or am unwilling. however, at two a.m. when i am confused and tired you probably shouldn't bring up the big issues of your various insecurities because i will go into panic/confused mode and not be any good at listening or knowing what's going on.

i will also end up irritated that i'm exhausted all day at work while your teachers let you go home early because you look tired and they love you. i'm not mad, exactly, and i think in the end we had a good talk and he feels better about a lot of things, but dammit. today just kind of sucked.

*i might have a touch of the premenstruals, making me more snippy than usual!

lest you think i'm all blinded by love

i have, in fact, spent some quality time with my girlfriends and will admit that the boyfriend is awesome but falls short on a few fronts. for one, he can't make a decent cup of coffee. dear lord, it's not hard. it's true his coffee pot is sort of shitty, but his coffee is just impossible. i will choke a cup down in the morning because i have to, not because i want to. also, he wears clogs. not just any clogs; but brown man-clogs that are approximately five hundred years old. what's funny is he hardly ever wears anything else brown. he also lives in sweatpants when he is not at work or going to or from school, which, when paired with the brown man-clogs of doom make him look ridiculous. adorable, yes, but he is amazing in his ability to look handsome while clownish at the same time.

okay, maybe i'm a little blinded by my affection for him.

i have work related stuff to tell you too, but to be honest, i'm hoping to get into work early tomorrow and make some cash money. that means going to bed now! before i go, though, your stories ruled. i hope this one turns out as well.

the boyfriend just came over to my house for some much-appreciated, adults-only, alone time. not to say we don't both just dig the hell out of his kids, but sometimes we want to make-out on the couch and not have a smart-ass 14 year old go "ewww..." news flash! grown-ups sometimes want to snog and grope while watching tv! we were, after all, teenagers once.

we've passed the one month mark. of course things are all still hearts and stars and kissing in the kitchen when we think no one's looking, which is pretty normal for this stage in a relationship, but i'm telling you this: it feels like more than your standard honeymoon phase. it feels better, which is to say it feels like feathers and sparklers and tickles and bites. hard to describe, but not too hard to feel. it still feels big and makes me giggle, and 24 hours without seeing him still seems like days. i can't get enough of him.

here's what i wanted to ask you, though; when did you know? is there a "too soon" when you meet someone seriously awesome? i vacillate between wanted to climb something high and shout about how fantastic and wonderful he is, and feeling shy like it's too soon, like i can't possibly know what i'm talking about and should keep my pie hole shut. so i'm curious about your story, when you knew you loved someone, how you knew, if you told the whole world or kept it a secret for a while. i want to talk to someone about it, and you guys have got to have a few good stories for me.

i love breakfast at the boyfriend's house. today in addition to lovely hashbrowns, eggs, and bacon, we made pancakes with the batter blaster, for the sheer novelty of using a can of pressurized pancake batter. i'm sure the boyfriend's homemade pancakes are better, but to be honest, the batter blaster hotcakes were pretty good. smeared with a little marionberry jam, or dunked in runny egg yolk they were delicious. they were lighter and fluffier than i thought pancakes out of a can would be.

i'm going to switch my shifts around this week and start taking sundays off. we'd talked about it before, but both of us (me and him!) kept the day to make a little extra, and blah blah, but it's hard to have no time off at all. i do want to be able to spend a whole day goofing off with him, and how will hot sauce banana ever get off the ground if we don't have time to devote to thinking up album and song titles? these things are important!

i'm incredibly excited about tomorrow as well. i'm hoping we don't have a 9 a.m. appointment, so i can run inside and watch the inauguration on tv as it happens. i kind of already feel like i might cry, so if i get a bit misty while watching, you know, history in the making, please don't make fun. thanks!

hola, kiddos

when i started my new job, the boss man said there was an opportunity for me to work with the CT/PET scan team as well. i didn't think much about it, just gave a pleasant sound like, "hmm, interesting" and let it pass. got an email this morning that two times a month i'll get an extra two full days working with that team if i want it, which means i can leave the grocery gig for good. the four days a month i'd work for the CT/PET scan would more than make up for the eight days a month i'd work slinging chicken. it would be an extra 32 hours a month, for one, whereas at the grocery story right now i'm getting about forty. i make almost $2 an hour more, though, so working less would actually pay me more. seems like a no-brainer. a delightful, surprising no-brainer.

it feels like things are going well for me at the hospital. i'm making new friends (yeah, i said that out loud!), relaxing, getting used to the routine, and while i still have stuff to learn i don't feel overwhelmed. it's kind of nice. the normal hours, wearing of ordinary clothes, being treated like i'm not a retard, all these things are growing on me. plus, i get to work on crossword puzzles, watch cool medical stuff being done, and once a nice old lady told me i was a sweetheart and kissed me on the cheek. awesome. ooh, and today the cafeteria was giving out free cookies.

days like today are amazing. my boyfriend made me the sweetest bento lunch, i got a free cookie with my coffee this morning, the boss man came into town and we had a nice chat (which added half an hour onto my day!), and i got to know one of my coworkers better (i only see her once a week, but she's super cool). tomorrow i get to go in early, make more money, see my man and wear something cute. it's been a whole lot of happy lately with just a few spots of annoyance. to be honest, not much gets to me right now because i'm having such a good time. gross, right? my roommate makes fun of me all the time, "true love! BARF!" but whatev. right now things are in a good place, and i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. dear internets, i'm in love and happy and have an awesome new job. high five!

liquid goodness

liquid goodness, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the salad bar at the hospital is cheap! i got a big salad for under $4 and am feeling pretty fine. although, they only viniagrette they had was fat-free italian, which is a bit too sweet for my taste. i might need to bring my own dressing!

my niece turns three in two weeks. my sister invited me and my boyfriend to her party, but not his kids. i had a whole big long blog post concerning it; about how when i asked about them she told me flat out, "no," and that there were already "too many people" coming. it was kind of a long and whiny post, and since writing it i have decided that even though my sister is being a dick, i don't have to be. the day should be all about baby, anyhow. if my sister brings it up with me, i'll be sure to let her know what i think, but a lot could happen in two weeks and i guess i'll wait and see how things pan out. there are rumours now that there isn't even going to be a party, so it might be a moot point. it just got under my skin, the way she dismissed my boyfriend's kids. he's kind of a package deal, not just for me but for all of us. he's always going to be boyfriend+2, and the sooner my sister realizes it, the better. what really annoys me is that she's a single parent, just like my boyfriend, and if someone had pulled that shit with her she would have gone nuts.

the second week in, and i can honestly say i like my new job. it's a lot of fun, watching the images appear on screen, making people comfortable, listening to their stories. there've been a few tough moments; like an older gentleman who got real claustrophobic and panicked once inside the tub, and one lady seriously whacked out on pain pills, but mostly it's a good time. i went to the grocery store this week for two shifts which were actually fun because it was a change of pace and also a bit of a relief to be doing something i know (innately now) how to do. i can navigate through the kitchen with ease, i know where things are and what needs to be done, and i don't have that yet at my new job. i'm learning, but it's going to take time. eventually this is all i'll do, and i'm sort of looking forward to that as well.

tidying up loose ends

my goodness. how laundry accumulates when you don't wash it. all the empty coffee cups in my room aren't going to wash themselves, either. my eyebrows need a good tweeze, my hair another dye (last time i did it, i ran out of black! i'm spotty now), my nails need to be done and i really need to run some errands and upload some photos. jeez. that's a lot to do. i totally wasted my one day off this week, and by "totally wasted" i mean "had a great time." the boyfriend and his kids and i went up to bellingham for a day. we did some shopping, made an awesome picnic lunch that we ended up eating in the car (it was crazy rainy and the car was nice and dry), dined on tiny hamburgers for dinner and spent most of the evening working on a puzzle and knitting (i got the eldest back into knitting and taught the youngest how to crochet!). it was a seriously good day, and while now i have a ton of stuff to catch up on before work tomorrow, it was worth it. my plan tonight is to go to bed early so i can sort of stay on the right schedule; i don't work tomorrow until 3 and it would be easy to sleep the day away, but then the next day going to work at 8 would be very lame. let's see if i can do it!

this is my cat

kitchen lulu, originally uploaded by pinprick.

who i hardly ever see anymore, and who probably hates me. well, she does for a while, then we settle in for a cuddle and she's fine and dandy.

nearing the end of my first week at the new job. it's very fun, very relaxing, and did i mention the pay is good? holy cow. i also enjoy having a similar schedule to my boyfriend's because that means we can actually hang out. he's thinking about taking sunday's off this quarter, and if he does that i am going to do the same. a whole day together sounds too good to pass up. just think of the things we could do! trips to the city, afternoons at the movies, drives in the country, breakfast, lunch AND dinner. we could go hiking or to the beach or the farmer's market. the thought of a whole day stretched out before us with nothing to do is tempting. i think it might have to happen.

it's strange to me to find it so easy to say "my boyfriend" with this man. it rolls right of the tongue and finds its way into a million different sentences. it's actually pretty fun to say. i think it's the boy that makes me feel that way, but it's just a hunch.

dinner last night was a success! cooking for a real cook can be nerve-wracking, but everyone enjoyed the quiche (it ended up being a simple zucchini, mushroom and swiss one) as well as the ice cream cone cupcakes. it was a fun night, and even though this morning i was a nervous wreck about my first day, i was glad to spend the morning with my favorite trio. i even saw them tonight; we celebrated all of us having a good day by going out for pizza. i had to go home, though, because my whites needed some serious bleaching and i need to get a few more outfits ready for this new gig.

the new job is pretty fucking awesome. for a few reasons, one of which being that today my boss told me there was downtime and i was free to bring a book or hobby with me for those time. i asked, "can i knit?" and he said "sure." i'm going to get paid for knitting. that's right! whoo! the other parts of my job are pretty enjoyable; mainly i help make sure patients are at ease, get them situated on the MRI table, and help clean up and stock stuff. i also do a bit of data entry, running of errands, and today i read a big chunk of anansi boys. after the initial shock wore off, to be honest, there were boring stretches. tomorrow i don't have to get up as early, and know what to expect, so i assume it will go even better. i bought myself a new shirt at the evil empire tonight; so ugly it goes back to being cute, so that i would have something fun to wear tomorrow. plus, i promised my man that he would get to see it. i spent the afternoon describing it in its awful glory (it's like little house on the praire met a lumberjack and they had a weird, frilly plaid baby), and now he's curious. yet another thing i like about him!

so far, this year is going well. better than last year, and the year before that. i'm not so superstitious about the new year, being that it's such an arbitrary system (any day can be the start of a new year!) but i like how it's all lining up together in an orderly fashion. it pleases me tremendously. i have a man i adore, a job that looks promising, and a truly hideous shirt to wear tomorrow. a girl can't ask for much more.

hearts and stars

tonight i get to make dinner for the boyfriend and family! it's a first; he's the professional, he's the one that does all the fancy culinary good stuff, but today is everyone's first day back at school and i offered to do dinner. we are going to have ham and brie quiche, some sort of roasted green veggie and a giant salad. i'm also going to make ice cream cone cupcakes, and decorate them with icing piggies. this family loves pork as much as i do, which is i think why we all get along so well.

tomorrow is also my first day of work (!) and i need to find some clothes that don't suck. i've been living in white shirts and ties and aprons for over a year now, the rest of my wardrobe is pretty hobo-riffic.

i'm off to get started! so much to do today, so little time.

want to see something funny?

i wrote a blog post a while ago, but never posted it because i got distracted. i was going through things here, cleaning stuff up, deleting drafts, when i stopped and read this one. it was titled "i think i wanna be a step-milf."

i had a very interesting talk with a friend today, where i disclosed that i would, indeed, be quite pleased to be a step-mother. or probably the live-in girlfriend of the dad, because i'm not always too sure i want to get married. to me, that's pretty close to being a step-mom, and that is appealing. i do honestly enjoy children. the kids i know are all impossibly smart and sweet and good-looking (except for the one who steals my shit! she's not on the top of my list!) and i enjoy 99% of every minute i'm with them. at the same time, when i think about having kids of my own i'm conflicted. why try to compete with the kids i already know? what if i don't do nearly as good a job as my friends and family? i'm not always sure i have the patience for parenting. i also feel like i should have done it sooner: i've given myself entirely too much time to think about all the things that could go wrong, and have freaked myself out.

the boy before last had a kid (still does!) and i liked that. watching him interact with his child was awesome. for the first time i dated someone who enjoyed being a parent, and put their kid first. it was strangely hot, and such a nice change of pace. the only other men i've dated with kids were maybe not the best dads, and that was always such a turn-off. although, to be fair, i have not dated very many men with children. at my age, though, it's getting more and more common.

which leads me to my next thought; i have this incredibly cute customer at work who's been coming in for years, and he has very sweet kids. a boy and a girl, and i just realized in all the time he's been shopping at my store i've never seen him without his kids, or with a woman. for that matter, i can't recall ever seeing the kids with their mom, which makes me wonder if he isn't divorced. he's got nice crinkly blue eyes, good hair, and a great smile. i pointed him out to a co-worker the other day, and she agreed that he is indeed handsome. for the first time i thought, "hey wait! he might be date-able!"

hee hee hee... oh boy. if only i'd known. daydreaming about my boyfriend was fun before i knew him, but to be perfectly honest, he's a lot more fun now that i've had him in real life. i took my friends out to see him last night and even my sister came out to meet him! everyone agrees that he is just as handsome as i said he was, and we all had a very good time. it's funny how things worked out, funny and delightful and surprising.

happy new year's!

i'm going to my newly-minted boyfriend's house to ring in the new year with him and his kids. we are going to make party hats and have cocktails and mocktails and bang on pot and pats at the stroke of midnight. i hope you all have an awesome night, and get to kiss someone foxy at midnight!

a little old gregg

the kids introduced me to old gregg this weekend. i'm not familiar with the mighty boosh, and am not sure if this clip is how it looked on tv, but goddamn if it didn't totally crack me up. the man's ringtone is "i'm old gregg!" and we yell it at each other all the time.

happy happy, joy joy

a rare night at home! well, it's been rare lately. i needed to spend some time with lulu, who showed her disapproval at my spending time at another house with another cat (puddin) by scratching me and trying to claw the couch, but once she saw i was home for the night she settled right into my lap on the couch for a quick nap. oh boy, it was a good nap. i also need to do stuff like paint my toes, work on my eyebrows, do some laundry, and a million other things i can't do at his house. you know, like daydream about him and draw stupid comics.

this morning my man made me breakfast, which included biscuits and gravy with home-made biscuits. it wasn't even bisquick! that he's such a good cook totally makes me hot. it's also fun to sit and talk about weird food things with him, look through issues of cook's illustrated, and have him show me how to do kitchen stuff. he walks through the kitchen with a towel thrown over one shoulder, flipping stuff in pans one-handed, and it makes me swoon a little. you should see him in his chef's pants, too. good stuff.

this is my last week full-time at the grocery store. moving out of cheese will be a little sad for me, i'll admit. i love my co-workers (most of them, except for the brood of angry old deli harridans who love to talk shit!) and will be sad to not be able to show people the difference between cilantro and parsley. i get to interact with a lot of different people and a lot of different ingredients, and that's been fun. my boss seems genuinely sad to see me go; she even got a bit teary eyed yesterday, which makes me sad. it's been a good time, and i would have never met so many of my friends (or my new guy) without this job, so i'll always be thankful for that. i saw my customer that got me my new job tonight too, and that was awesome. he got the biggest hug i could give, and promises for cocktails. i can't wait to get started, the job sounds fun and interesting and i know it sounds shallow, but my god! the money! sure, most of it will go right out to bills, but i'd rather that than being the deadbeat i am now.

that's all that's going on! when i finish a comic, i'll show you.

fuck yeah!

i got the new job! whooooo! it came as a total surprise; first i'd sent in my application and resume only to have it get lost. then i finally got it all in, and didn't hear back from anyone. then i got a phone call from the guy who will be my main boss, and while i thought we had a nice chat i didn't think it would lead to anything but an actual, face-to-face interview. the other day i got an email telling me some paperwork was on it's way, and i assumed it was your standard, "this is what we do here" kind of stuff, so when it showed up on christmas eve i ignored it at first. impulsively, on my way out of the house i grabbed it thinking i could read it at home. i forgot all about it until mom asked if i'd heard anything else from them and i said, "oh i got some stuff in the mail, let's see what it is." what was it? an offer letter. AN OFFER. i haven't even met any of these people! i am so crazy excited. it was pretty much the perfect christmas present.

i'm not exactly sure what my job will entail, but i know i'll be working for a place that does MRI's as your basic receptionist. official i'm a "patient coordinator" but what that means is setting up appointment, doing some filing, helping get people ready for the test, and doing some driving. all of which i think i'm totally going to be fine at.

new job, new man*, new year right around the corner; i'm feeling pretty good about myself. christmas was awesome as well, and tonight i get to subject my pointy chin to more kissing, which is like icing on the cake. if i could give myself a high five, i totally would!

*srsly. i'm crazy about this man. that's enough gush for today.

i have to make his quick

because i'm supposed to be packing up and driving to my folk's house, right this second!

the date, it was awesome. it was better than awesome. it was pretty fantastic. in real life, outside of my store, he is just as cute and funny and smart as i thought he would be. he's a great cook, he's easy to be around, and while my stomach jumps up to my throat every time i see him, he's comfortable. my chin is rubbed all raw and pink from the making out*, but i'm sure when my new chin grows in it will be lovely. he's pretty much the best kisser ever. for me this is a HUGE deal. kissing is a deal maker or breaker for me. bad kissing is something i can't remedy because i have zero patience, and it's something i cannot live with. the fact that i can spend hours sucking face or talking to this guy bodes well, as far as i'm concerned.

we had a chaperoned date last night, where i came over and we hung out with the kids. he told me today that they both seemed to really like me, and that right now i'm the "belle of the ball" at the house. that totally made me laugh and blush. i've never dated a guy with kids this old (14 and 10) and i wasn't sure how it would go. i just decided to pretend it wasn't nerve-wracking and we ended up having a really good time. like their dad, they're easy going and smart, and we talked all night about arrested development, stupid movies and fun board games. they played their nintendo DS's, we talked on the couch and they quietly eavesdropped at time. they get along well, and it was funny to look over and see them like two peas in a pod, watching us and making up their minds about me. i'm glad they like me so far, i can't imagine how difficult it would be to keep seeing this guy if they didn't!

it feels really good. who knows where it will all end up, and i suppose i might regret telling you how dreamy he is and how awesome his kids are and how he drinks wine out of jelly jars just like me and how i'm sure that's a sign, and that he built his own amazing loft bed called "the fort" and how when i leave his house he stands outside in the cold waiting to wave me goodbye and make sure i make it out. it's early, and early should feel good, but this feels criminal.

he's like the best christmas present i didn't ask for.

i hope you all have a merry holiday, and eat way to much and have people you love nearby to kiss and hug and shower with affection! i'm going to go enjoy my family and send surreptitious text messages to my new man, and think about kissing some more and open some presents. hooray!

*i have a chin that doesn't looks as pointy as it is, and somehow it always gets crazy chapped the first time i make out with a guy who doesn't have baby smooth skin. it revolts when it gets near whiskers for the first time in a while, and i just know my mom's going to make "rudolph the red chinned reindeer" jokes all day christmas. shit, i'll probably start making them myself.

a date!

i haz it!

i admit, i did a bit of stalking this afternoon after finishing up my christmas shopping. i talked my roommate into going by a certain big chain restaurant when i knew grocery-boy was working. i was a nervous wreck on our way there, because i wasn't sure if he would be pleased to see me or annoyed. i mean, work isn't always the funnest place, and having people drop by unannounced can be fun or it can be irritating. you have a 50/50 chance, and i didn't want it to freak him out or upset his day.

long story short, when i finally got his attention with a "psst!" and a wink*, he seemed happy to see me. he asked what i was doing, and i said, "um, i told you i was going to stalk you." he laughed and said, "finally!" then he laughed and said it again and then i really wanted to kiss him right then and there.

the party for tomorrow night has been postponed due to inclement weather. i asked him if he'd still like to do something this week and he said he would love to. we both work quite a bit up until christmas, and after going through our schedules we realized that tomorrow is still the best night to hang out. the good news is that a) i still get to see him and b) i don't have to drag my sister to a party where she doesn't know anyone. bonus round: c) i get a little more one-on-one time with him, instead of having to deal with the anxiety of getting to know him as well as all his friends. we all know i'm a nervous nelly; the less nerves for me the better.

this might all crash and burn, and it might do so in a spectacular way. i won't lie and say i feel nonchalant about this date: i'm pretty fucking stoked. he seems super nice, very easy to talk to and get along with, and he has the kind of dimples you can drive a car into. i want to bite him. i want to pin him down and see if he tastes as good as he looks. i want to know more about him, and i want to know it now. even if it's all for naught, this feeling of excitement, of the unknown, of sparkling anticipation is worth it. this is the feeling that we all try to bottle and save for later. this is the rush we chase and why we keep going out with people even if 99% of the time we're left in a situation that either hurts us or is completely unimpressive or uninspiring. this feels good. not as good as it's going to feel when i get my hands on him, though, i hope.

*i didn't realize i winked. i never do it intentionally, because when i try, it looks retarded. however, i tend to do it when i'm not thinking about it consciously, and my roommate totally caught it. i wasn't trying to be sassy! i swear!

p.s. i looked all over the internets for the j. mascis version of this song, which is the one i prefer. if you want to hear that, go check out martin + me. thanks!

it's going to be a very gabba christmas for maggie!

i just learned that maggie is totally into yo gabba gabba; which thrills me because honestly, i dig it too. tonight i bought her a brobee doll, a video, and a little muno and car. since then, i can't get there's a party in my tummy out of my head. so go watch the video! even if you don't have kids, you'll probably get a laugh out of it.

everyone weigh in on this one!

ahem. dating is complicated business, and since i've lifted my "don't ask, don't tell" policy, i find i really enjoy talking about it with you. even if my dates are failures, i kind of like documenting it here. that could be slight masochism on my part, but i like to think it's because that's just how close we are, and how i do enjoy hearing how my experiences aren't as unusual as i might think. in any case, take a look over some of these facts and then fill me in on what you think it all means.

1. i've been flirty with a customer on and off over the past year, but the past few weeks i really turned it up. what changed? i saw him without his hat, and realized that he has a gorgeous head of hair underneath. shallow? sure. it's not as though he would be un-handsome without hair, but i had to be sure if he was bald that he was good bald.* since he's not bald at all, it's not an issue.
2. we finally established a first-name rapport. talked more about his work, mine, and other stuff.
3. this monday he came in while i working and went out of his way to get a coworker of mine to fetch me from dishes.
   
4. he asked me to a party, being held this next monday.
   
5. i gave him my number and we flirted a bit more.
   
6. i didn't hear from him until today, but he was extremely apologetic at the very first, and let me know that he'd misplaced my card. he even let it drop that his kids gave him a hard time about losing it. then he admitted he came by work looking for me to get it again, but i wasn't there and he didn't want me to think he was "stalking" me.
   
7. we had a nice chat and i realized that this party he asked me to is a party he's throwing; for himself and his roommate's birthdays and the solstice.
8. we established that he is a bit older than i am (he'll be 38 this week) but that he isn't nearly as much older than me as he thought. he told me he thought i was 23 or 24, which i totally don't believe. 26 at the youngest!
   
9. he told me he was looking forward to seeing me, and having some actual time to talk.
10. then he called back and told me i was free to bring a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc.
11. this made me furrow my brow a bit.
12. i told him exactly this; "i won't be bringing a boyfriend, i can tell you that."
    

i'm fairly sure he was testing the waters, to see if i am indeed single, but really, why would i accept a party invitation from a man i don't know that well if i weren't interested in him? and would a man with a girlfriend ask another girl to his birthday party? i mean, it's conceviable. was i too forward? am i over thinking all of this? (of course i am, don't answer that!) he's just, really, seriously cute. with bright blue eyes that crinkle at the edges, and dark dark hair, and a lovely smile. he's unfailingly polite and nice when he's at work, and he has two really gorgeous kids that he seems super close to. i like him. i feel butterflies when i see him, and when he came in the other night to ask me out, i blushed bright red. i think he wants to make-out with me, but i don't want to show up to his party to find that he's got a girl already. at the same time, bringing a friend to his party would be advantageous to me, because then i have someone else to suss him out with. plus, i'll need someone to snark with. i'm trying to rope my sister into coming with me, with promises that i'll buy the liquor.

being nervous like this, waiting for the call, not knowing; it's all excruciating and wonderful. the imaginary part of wondering what he's like, daydreaming about what i think might be in store, is fun. how can something so awful and uncertain be so delicious? there's always a better chance of being disappointed than being thrilled, but you never know unless you try. i hate myself when things don't work, i feel foolish and silly, but after a while i realize that's jut how this particular game is played, and ultimately i'm proud of myself for not giving up. spinsterhood would be easy, getting back on the horse is hard.

so what do you think? this is perfectly normal, yes? the worry, the butterflies, the uncertainty. do you think he likes me? don't make me come over there and pull off your petals. i'll do it!



*bad bald= men who don't get that they are balding and hold on too tightly to the hair on the back of their head. longish hair in back, bald on top, not cool.

**also, i wrote this under the influence of real, honest to goodness sudafed. which makes me slightly retarded. i'm going to go paint magic mushrooms now!

bleh

snow days should be good days, but instead i got trapped in a house full of kids that aren't mine and a sinus headache from hell. currently i'm on a lot of sudafed, feeling high, and wishing the snow would stop so i could be alone.

i doubt that's going to happen though! tomorrow i go back to work, probably until christmas eve, and at some point tomorrow i have to put chains on my car tires. that should be interesting, to say the least.

i feel strangely homesick and nostalgic, but i blame that on the psychotropic qualities of cold medication.

knitting the most boring hat on earth, but the yarn is soft and the color is very pretty. i just needed something practical and mindless.

christmas happiness

at work they are playing massive amounts of christmas music. which is perfectly okay with me. however, this is the only version of 12 days of christmas that i like, and it seems to be missing from my store's playlist. ba-da-dum-DUM!

you can open this box

a friend told me about pandora yesterday; it's a site that essentially creates little radio stations for you based on songs or artists you type in, and it's all free. if you have an iphone, you can use it on that, if you don't (like me) you can just use it on your computer. i'm totally loving it. the past few years i've fallen out of love with radio, because most of the stations play a very limited variety of songs or music, and as much as i love npr, i tend to like listening to that on the internet while i putter around the house. the advantages of internet radio are that you can listen to what you want with little to no advertising (and usually no commercials), you can pick very specific songs or genres to listen to, and you can still be exposed to new stuff. i like that. plus, now i'm listening to a whole lot of awesome john doe* songs, which makes me want to go buy a whole lot more of his albums. it's good for me, it's good for the artists, and it gets me away from my tv.

*i can't get enough john doe lately. i love his voice, i love his lyrics, i like his collaborations. he's sad without making me want to open any veins, and when i hear him i feel like learning how to play the guitar just so i can sing his songs.

on porn and roommies

the other day at work i was having a typically strange conversation with my friend josh, when the topic of porn stars came up. josh is in most ways a pretty ordinary 21 year old male, so i asked him who his favorite porn star was. he told me he didn't have one, and i almost had a conniption. honestly, porn stars are everywhere. they write books, they appear on regular tv shows, and while most don't exactly cross over into "mainstream" media, i think it's safe to say that the average american can name a few porn stars off the top of their head. he asked me if i had a favorite, and i said sure. in fact, i have a few. don't you wish you knew who they were? ha! in any case, i told him that maybe he should go home and do some porny homework. i can't have this conversation with him again. i gave him a short list of girls to google when he got home, and sent him on his way. imagine, a 21 year old boy knowing nothing of the porn arts. jeez.

also, i'm pretty sure my roommate slept with her best friend's boyfriend the other night. at the very least i caught them sucking face in the living room like they were hungry zombies. it's hard to look at her now, much less carry on anything even like a normal conversation. if i thought moving sounded good before, now it sound epically amazing. after the new year i'm going to look into it seriously. i just can't wrap my brain around what she might have been thinking. i can't even make out with anyone who's shown an interest in any of my friends, much less sleep with a guy who's dated one. or is dating one. not even casual acquaintances! ugh. i'm torn between wanting to tell her how i really feel, and keeping my mouth shut because i have to live here a bit longer. i suppose if she actually confronts me i'll give her the nutshell version and not hysterically try to pin a scarlet A to her chest, but i just can't take her seriously anymore. if she'll do that to the person she claims to love the best, then she's more than willing to throw the rest of us under any oncoming traffic. i know rightous indignation is unbecoming on me, but i take my friends seriously. i'm ashamed of myself for not saying anything when i caught them, i should have done something right then. at least brought to their attention that one of them, you know, has a girlfriend. and one of them is friends with that girlfriend. being quiet about it makes me just about as guilty as they are. shit. at the same time, i don't want to tell my friend about her boyfriend and my roommate; and i can't tell if it's because i'm totally chicken shit, or if it's to spare her feelings. i'm not sure what to do. goddamn it.

par-taaay!

one of the best and worst things about my home is that on any given night i might come home to a party already in progress. i admit, tonight i was not thrilled about the prospect. however, after getting the cat set up in my room (one of my best friends is pretty afraid of cats, making lulu more of a liability than fun for her) i'm actually having a good time. living here means giving up on some of my hermit tendencies, and while this is a bit annoying at time, at other times i realize it's kind of good for me.

the end.

hi!

oh my gosh, i am so annoyed! i went home to my parent's last night to see them and my niece and sister, and pretty much everyone in that house except me and my mom were in the world's worst mood. hmmm. i ate an excellent rueben, got lots of hugs and kisses from maggie, but other than that, i probably should have stayed home and done laundry. ah well, it can't all be sunshine and balloons, i know.

the plan for tonight is to aforementioned laundry. via minnie i discovered google tasks (whoo!) and i'm going to work on the rest of my list, bleach my hair, and do some serious red dye. i think it's time my bangs got in on the action. i'm also planning on seeing the bad things soon, so i'm going to work on my victory rolls. i even bought some of that foamy stuff and new hair-pins to work on them! i know, silly. however, a band like the bad things requires some sort of costume, and my face is good with old-school hair.

wow, kind of a boring post. sucks to be you!

total sensory overload

i can watch tv, surf the internets, and listen to music all at the same time. i don't need to do all three at once, but sometimes it's kind of fun too.

i have grand plans for my day off, but seeing as it's already almost one in the afternoon and i'm still in my pj's and only on my first cup of coffee, i'll be surprised if i get too much of my list done. i'm hoping to do some more pom pom crafting with my sister this afternoon, see my niece and lounge supreme at mom and pop's. i should also wash my hair and clothes, and shut the damn tv off.

oh, but the tv is so awesome! ah, i love it. i know we're on our honeymoon phase, but that doesn't make it any less fun.

spam!

i had spam and eggs for breakfast. true story.

public service announcement

effective forms of birth control rarely discussed:

1. attending any young child's birthday party at chuck e. cheese. especially useful if the kids are mostly toddlers!
2. babies with head colds on long flights. the screaming, the snot!
3. listening to children whine in the check-out line at the grocery store.
4. crying children at the movie theater.
5. any extended amount of time spent with a surly teenager not directly related to you.
6. chunky spit-up. then later, cleaning up barf when the kids don't make it to the bathroom.
   
7. seeing the hannah montana show, even if only briefly and on accident.
8. really, any mention of miley cyrus does it for me. think of your miley cyrus and insert name here ______.
9. coincidentally being at a museum at the same time as any school field trip.
10. getting caught behind a school bus on your drive home.

i'm sure your children are nice, and i'm glad you had them because i honestly enjoy kids for the most part, but i have to admit lately i'm glad i don't have any of my own. last night after spending three hours at a chuck e. cheese birthday party for a toddler, i was relieved that none of them were going home with me. the cake was awesome, though. dark choclate with a cherry filling!

w00t

I HAVE CABLE TV. IN MY BEDROOM.

if you don't see or hear from me in a few days, please roll me over so i don't develop bed sores.

thanks!

christmas wishes

pretty much everything i could want for christmas can be found over at adult swim. especially this new sweatshirt! i put together a small list for my folks this year, at their request, and on it was some venture bros., subscriptions to juxtapoz, giant robot or bitch, and maybe a new set of car floor mats. i know, i know, totally greedy of me. honestly, i'm hoping they stick to the list, because they've already done a lot of me this year and i don't want much.

what are you asking for?

things that make me feel better

also, reading natalie dee comics; knitting; drinking tea; talking to my friends, and having a thursday off. see, i'm not just a black cloud of doom!

post 1020

one of my favorite customers lost his long-time girlfriend to cancer the day before thanksgiving.

he's a good guy. you can see he was a hot mess in his youth; he tells you about his issues with drugs and alcohol, he's not shy about it. he's been clean for many years now, and his girlfriend was this lovely, sweet ex-hippy like he is. they were nice together. the kind of couple you could tell just liked being together, who were friendly and pleasant and just overall the sort of customers that you enjoyed working with. he told us when she got sick, because she stopped coming in with him, due to issues with her weak immune system. if you have issues with your immune system, the grocery store is pretty much the last place on earth you want to hang out. we are like a giant, over-sized, juicy petri dish. at first we were full of concern but sure she would get better. that never happened, and when it started getting worse we all just did the best we could feeding them both and making sure when he came in that he was taken care of. he never really had to wait in line, we knew what he liked and often had it ready for him before he came in, we'd make sure he remembered the sprite and ask how she was and if she wanted anything special.

it's rare, but some customers become your friends before you realize it.

her passing is an awful, horrible thing. watching him go through grief not once, but twice is painful for everyone. when she stopped being coherent and here, it was bad. now that she's gone, it's worse. no one knows what to do, so we all just do our best. that includes calling and checking in and making casseroles, or just listening to him when he wants to talk.

i didn't hear about her death until after thanksgiving. my thanksgiving day was wonderful, full of people i love and a metric ton of fowl, and i feel guilty now for being so blissfully unaware of what was going on. i feel guilty for being so lucky to have had an awesome day. i know that there's nothing i can do about that, that there was nothing i could do that day even, other than love my people and be grateful for them. i can't imagine thanksgiving falling on the day after the love of your life, your mother, sister, or friend, dies; i don't think anyone in that family will celebrate the same ever again. i can only imagine it will always be bittersweet at best. what holiday without someone you love isn't?

i know this post comes to you late, a week after the fact. i've been thinking it over and wondering if i should even say anything since it's not my story to tell. it's been on my mind, though, quite a bit. i feel horrible for the people involved, thankful that even with all the crap my family's been through this year we're all still together, and have spent a lot of time thinking about death and dying and families. not the perkiest of holiday thoughts, to be sure, but i know that at least any good times i have this season will be less likely to be taken for granted. you just never know what tomorrow is going to bring.

sorry for the boring mc. boringpants thing going on over here. between house and kitten sitting, the holiday, and work, i haven't actually been in my home for more than thirty minutes all week. tonight is my first night back, and my roommate's out and her kids are at their dad's, meaning i have the whole place to myself. i'm going to drink a beer, working on yet another knit hat, and lounge in a very sloth-like way. tomorrow we'll play catch up!

revenge!

oh, revenge is sweet and delicious. especially when it's all sorts of covert! i am going to tell you about it, though, don't worry.

this morning i discovered not one, but two of my favorite eye shadows in my roommate's daughter's room. this coming on the heels of yet another theft (of my crackers) and a mild blow-up on my part. confronting her does nothing. confronting her mother also does nothing. i even told her that last night; that i knew she wouldn't get in trouble for it, that i knew she didn't care if she got caught, and that my being irritated was useless. i had to vent anyway! this morning, i simply collected my things, then went through her make up. i had given her a really nice nars face palette, mainly because the colors were mostly brown, and partly in an effort to keep her the hell out of my shit. this morning i took it back, took it to work with me, and threw it away. now it's gone forever. tomorrow i'm going to take back the set of purple eye shadow cremes i gave her, and the day after that i might feel better, but i might take something else back as well. let's see how she likes it when her shit goes missing! if she asks where it went, i'll just give her the same dumb look she gives me and ask "what?" i might play it off like i have no idea where it went, or i might just tell her i threw it away. i haven't quite decided.

tonight after work i bought a big ass tool box and a padlock. guess where all my make-up and favorite jewelry went? bingo! i'm also getting a new door knob for my room, with a lock as well. i should have done this months ago, it feels amazing. petty, sure, but awesome.

just for me

waking up this morning i see SUN. this makes me feel happy. also having the whole day off, more happy. i have a head full of plans, so i'm going to make a list and see what i can get done today. kind of a boring post for you, but oh well. i promise to update you, at the very least.

things i want to do today

• i have two very detailed cross stitch ideas in my head; i need to make the patterns for them a reality.
• work on bibs for my friend jen, who gave me the bibs to work on many, many months ago.
• wash clothes.
• wash hair.
• go by work and drop off a present for a friend.
• watch movies.
• read watchmen.
• clean my bathroom.
• learn how to french braid my own damn hair.

hopefully i can get some of this done and don't spend all day on-line watching videos on youtube and then being crabby that i wasted the day.

check out my super bee

the photo is crappy, but i bought this little car at work the other day because it was so pretty. there are gold flecks in the white paint, good, clean lines, and i am a sucker for muscle cars. i know nothing about them save for they are foxy, loud, and generally have the perfect seats for making out. the more i looked at it, the more i wanted to wear it. tonight i picked up some chain and sparkley beads, and here we are. my 1969 dodge coronet super bee necklace!

for your amusement

i can't get this song out of my head. oddly enough, it has a music video.

wine in the bedroom

sounds much more fun than it is. i'm just feeling lazy and don't want to have to go out to the kitchen if i decide to get another glass, so i brought the bottle into my room. classy!

lately i've been working only closing shifts; going in at either 1 or 2, staying until 9 or 10. this is my absolute favorite shift. i like getting up kind of late, taking a long time to get ready (or not!), spending my morning reading blogs and books and having a nice breakfast. i have time to run errands if i want to, or do laundry, play with lulu. it's the perfect shift for me! i like nights best, and when i get home i have all this time to play, you know? however: i am in the only one in the house with this schedule. meaning i have to be somewhat quiet when i get home.

it's not that awful, but it's not so great. it make me miss living alone. or at least living in a place with more space, where my room wasn't sandwiched between the other two. if only we had a basement! ah, i would love that. i miss my underground living.

the weather's gotten chilly. last night i realized i don't have enough blankets on my bed to comfortable and warm in this weather. usually i have a million, but some are in storage, and the ones i bought with the fisherman i got rid of.* i'm borrowing one of the kid's for now, hoping to get my stuff out of storage sooner rather than later. i at least want to go through it all, get rid of some of it, consolidate the rest. this impermanent feeling is getting old.

*i might not believe in god, but i am weirdly superstitious. i wanted a clean break, so i got rid of any and everything that reminded me of him. except for one particularly comfy sweatshirt, which i thought was okay to keep. one memento is enough!

oh hell yes

my sister and niece came into town today, to do a bit of shopping at good old costco, and i was lucky enough to get to hang out with them. after we bought a metric ton of cured meats, cheeses, and veggies we came back to my house to make some dinner. we were going to pick up a rotisserie chicken there and then just make sides, but you know what? we just really dig sides. mom would let us do that some nights; instead of a proper dinner we would have what she called nibbles. sometimes it was leftovers paired with salami and cheese and olives, sometimes we left out the leftovers and just ate hors d'oeuvers. tonight we roasted some brussel sprouts, made goat cheese stuffed mushrooms (laced with a bit of fresh basil and cayenne pepper), tiny gourmet sausages, and our favorite, salami and cheese. i talked her into splitting a wheel of fleur des alpes with me, and she was quite impressed. it never even made it onto any crackers, we just sliced off ooze-y pieces and ate it right off our fingers. we also had a ton of good olives and some giardiniera. we ate until we were sleepy and watched part of a movie with maggie. it was awesome. except for the part where maggie decided she liked chasing and harassing lulu more than playing nice. oh, those terrible threes are right around the corner! better get in the good stuff while i can.

while looking for good photos of salami tonight, i stumbled upon this blog. it's amazing! i suddenly feel like making my own cured meats, in large quantities. i'm sure my pop would be down, he's he one that introduced us as kids to weird cured meats (well, strange to our friends. we always loved it!), and he's the reason we get all fussy when we buy a combo pack of salami and get cheated out of spicy capicola. let's go make our own salami! now!

dye!

i'm not really sure how folks go about not washing their hair. this is my first foray into leaving my hair the fuck alone, and i feel sort of greasy. i bought some dry shampoo, and that helps some. my hairdresser friends say that you get used to it, and your hair does too, and that if i wait out this awful shiny period i'll be glad i did. they're the experts, so i'm deferring to them.

anyone else giving up shampoo out there? hints? tips?

1010!

that's the number of this post. 1,010. like a palindrome, gone very, very wrong. a backwards palindrome?

i've been thinking today a lot about closure* and forgiveness and all that shit. yesterday at work a co-worker totally broke down on me in the bathroom, full on sloppy tears and snotty nose. she told me a horrible story from her youth and then concluded it by telling me that her family thinks she should "be over it by now" and wants her to forgive a cousin who pretty seriously abused her as a child. i held her in the bathroom, all hot and sticky and shuddering, and told her to fuck that noise--sometimes what people do is unforgivable and if she's not ready, then she doesn't have to. personally, i'm all for grudges. i know that you're supposed to let shit go and forgive and it's supposed to be better for your skin and karma, but i don't care. a grudge can be a warm blanket on a cold day, and plotting revenge is a sweet treat that i love to indulge in. this might make me a shallow, horrible person but i'm okay with that. at the very least i'm honest. i told my co-worker to just tell me where her cousin lives, i'll show up with rotten eggs and a case of toilet paper and make his morning terrible. i could plot other, worse thing, but i'm sure she's got that covered. i told her to not feel bad about feeling shitty; she already feels lousy, why feel guilty for feeling that way? what happened to her was awful, if she feels bad about it, that's more than okay.

*a boy i used to date ran into some friends of mine at a bar the other night and said he felt bad we had no "closure." i think when he stopped calling me he closed things up just fine. i don't need to have some big talk about why we were mismatched or why he bailed. we were, he did, end of story. even if we had some talk that spelled it all out, i'd still feel shitty about it. no amount of talking or good intentions clears that feeling up. all i can really do is feel it, get over it, move on. closure is for pussies, and is one thing i hate about psychobabble and television talk shows. there is no such thing as closure, as far as i'm concerned. talking about it makes me uptight.

there's a good chance that i am a horrible person, but honestly, if you fuck with me or my people, odds are that i'm not going to forgive or forget. i might not exact the sort of sordid revenge i daydream about, but i won't give up my right to feel shitty and lousy and angry. only people who feel guilty and/or know they suck, think about things like closure and forgiveness. i believe more people than like to admit it feel the way i do, and would rather cradle a grudge, feed it and love it and nuzzle it before bed, than smile and forgive and shrug and move on. the thing is, i think you can hold a grudge and move forward. eventually the heat of a grudge fades and another one takes it place or you just find yourself doing something else. i can hold my purse and walk around town just fine, i can take that grudge with me wherever i go. true story.

yes!

this is the red hair i wanted! thank you, manic panic pillarbox red. i know using manic panic means a lot less showers, and more baths, but i don't care. this red is totally worth it. i feel awesome.

in other news, i think we might have an unwed teen mother in our home. that's right, i think little LuLu went and got herself knocked-up. she's super rotund in the middle, super cuddly and if i'm right, she might have actually been preggers when we took her in. we'll have to wait and see. although i thought of an awesome idea today; kitty litter that changes color when your cat gets knocked up. like it turns pink and clumpy, letting you know that you either need to see a vet immediately, or buy a box and some towels and ready yourself for childbirth and lamaze classes.

a nice tuesday update

the newest addition at work quit yesterday. we all saw it coming, and to be honest, we thought it would come sooner. she was a very nice lady, but impossibly slow and slightly daft. my job in the deli isn't that hard or brain-consuming, but you have to be quick and you have to be able to do about a million things at once. not everyone enjoys that or is able to do it. i was complaining about her one night to J and i made the comment that she was "good for nothing" and he said, "no, she's quite capable of taking 20 minutes to help one customer while a line forms." true story. i'm relieved she's gone, but that means i get her wednesday shift. today would have been my friday, but not anymore. the good part is that working that shift will bring up to 40 hours, plus a few overtime hours; the bad news is that now i only get one day off this week. i could really use the money, but damn it sucks to get it this way. why can't i get it through a windfall? the lottery? a kind benefactor?

i just re-bought a copy of andrew bird's bowl of fire, oh! the grandeur, which i love so much. i don't think my roommate is as fond of it, but lucky for me our schedules this week are at odds. i can listen to it loud all morning while she's at work!

my sister and i are hoping to take maggie to see madagascar II, because damn if the kid doesn't just totally adore the first one. taking her to the movies is pretty fun, she's remarkably well behaved at the theater. i hope it works out! spending a few day at home with my family last week kind of spoiled me. i want a lot more time with the baby. who, i have discovered, can be persuaded to give out kisses if you ask for "some sugar." ask for a kiss and the kid's like, "no way," tell her you need some sugar, right over here on this cheek, and she comes running.

boring post! i'll be working a lot this week, hopefully not spending a lot, and maybe next week i can get two new tires for my car and stop worrying about dying in a rainstorm.

more awesome obama news

if you go over to natalie dee right now, if you enter the word "obama" at the checkout you can get $2 off your order! whoo! i used that $2 off to buy myself this shirt, which i have coveted forever and now get to own. happy times, friends.

gross!

yesterday i cleaned out the cat box and bagged up the little litter-coated treats, then put them in my car to take to work with me. i figure if i dump them in the trash there, yay! my trash doesn't stink. plus, i get the smug satisfaction of dropping off my cat's shit at my shitty work.

ahem. except i forgot to take the bag with me when i got there. i got into my car last night and was horrified by the smell, totally confused for a second, until i realized what it was and ran it to the nearest trash can. i opened up all the windows and the guy i was giving a ride home to laughed seriously hard at me. i thought he was going to spew mountain dew out of his nose.

it was funny, but totally disgusting.

genesis

might be news to you, but i seriously love genesis p-orridge. i especially love the pandrongyne project that s/he took on with lady jaye. my sister and i have matching tattoos because of gen. i read everything s/he does, i watch the videos, i love how s/he confronts and shakes the ideas of gender and the limits of the human body. i don't believe any other artist has compelled me so much. if you can, go watch this video. it's sad and sweet and awesome.

i like this one

meme time! taken from the always lovely, and well-shod, chez shoes.

Where is your mobile phone? purse?
Where is your significant other? imaginary
Your hair colour? clown red/black
Your mother? awesome
Your father? brown
Your favourite thing? benzos!
Your dream last night? sexy
Your dream goal? money
The room you’re in? bedroom
Your hobby? needles
Your fear? poverty
Where do you want to be in 6 years? portland
Where were you last night? in bed
What you’re not? carefree
One of your wish-list items? yurt
Where you grew up? coupeville
The last thing you did? bleach
What are you wearing? black
Your TV? unconnected
Your pets? lulu!
Your computer? tiny
Your mood? hot
Missing someone? obviously
Your car? plum
Something you’re not wearing? bandaids
Favourite shop? grocery outlet
Your summer? boring
Love someone? sigh
Your favourite colour? red
When is the last time you laughed? wednesday
When is the last time you cried? tuesday

why did i even look?

***note; i wrote this last night, hid it this morning, and am reposting it now. i'm doing that for a few reasons, one being that even though this may not be my finest moment, it is the truth. and i was right, this morning i did feel better. annoyed and still a little hurt, but much better.***

i was on the myspace and i checked out miss piggy's profile because it looked like she put up some new photos and suddenly she's "in a relationship." with dickwad from work. which shouldn't bother me, because um, duh, they've been dating now for a while, but seeing it there made my tummy hurt.

i think i liked him so much because i didn't know him very well and it's easy to idealize a man you just flirt with. had we actually dated i'm sure it would have been disastrous, because obviously he's looking for someone totally different than me. besides, i just got done dating a man who wasn't too terribly into me, why would i want to do that again?

sometimes i hate being a girl and feeling like my emotions are out of control. of course, normally all i have to do is acknowledge i feel a certain way and then i feel better, but still. it sucks to feel all down on myself and insecure, it sucks to have been pushed aside for someone else, and it sucks when any boy just stops fucking calling.

i was in a pretty good mood too; spent the weekend with my folks, spent a lot of time with my niece, had two really awesome meals and watched some fun tv. i was feeling good about being home and not too disappointed about working tomorrow. now i feel sick to my stomach and retarded all at the same time. let's hope i feel better in the morning.

feeling very, very good

watching obama's speech last night gave me chills. seeing his lovely family, seeing the mix of people in the crowd, seeing how happy everyone looked was so refreshing. for the first time in a while i felt like hope wasn't such a bad thing, that maybe that's exactly what we need right now.

i don't think it's all going to be puppies and rainbows and sunshine from here on out, but i do believe things are going to get better.

my date last night came down with a cold, which i knew about before i went over there. i told him it would be okay to reschedule; that if he was feeling lousy we could hang out some other time. he made a nice dinner, i brought over some movies, we played with the kittens, then he took some theraflu and passed the fuck out. eh. part of me feels bad for the poor guy, since i'm pretty sure getting sick wasn't high on his list of things to do yesterday, but part of me is annoyed that he had me over to start with.

plus, he's not very tall and i keep swearing up and down my next boyfriend is going to be TALL. maybe this is a sign. who knows.

i'm going home today to see my family, which i haven't done in weeks and weeks, making me a shitty daughter/sister/aunt, but today i'm totally going to try to redeem myself.

hail to the anti-christ!

my date was a failure, but my man won the presidency, and i think in later years that's what i'll remember.

also, getting to rub it into that sanctimonious bitches face that the "anti-christ" won will be so impossibly delicious.

we're talking about it, dammit

the election! today at work a girl wanted to talk to me about how disappointed she was to see i had an obama sticker on my cheese binder. i shrugged and told her i was sorry, but he's the man for me. she got all flustered and told me that she could never, ever vote for obama because she truly believes he's the anti-christ. she got another shrug from me and i told her that was okay, because i don't believe in god. she gave me that look and said, "i'm sorry to hear that, because he believes in you."

ah, nothing like mixing both politics and religion in one small, condescending, annoying conversation. truth be told, i kind of feel like ratting her out to the union for bringing it up.

i woke up this morning totally thrilled with myself for not having a panic attack yesterday but already feeling anxious because i realized it's the day before the election. all month i've been busy with other shit, but then i realized "oh my god! this is it!" i've spent all day wondering what tomorrow will be like. i want to rush home from work and turn on the radio and stay glued to my computer to watch the results trickle in. i want to buy a six pack of beer and some cheese and crackers and pace around the house calling my pop every five minutes to confer with him. however, i am going on a date so i won't. or maybe i'll con him into turning on his fancy cable tv and letting me watch voraciously.

yeah, that's right. a date. i'm going to bring it up now because i can. because maybe this time i'll do everything the opposite of what i normally do and see how that goes. it's a guy i met on halloween. he's nice and smart and rescued two kittens kicked out of their litter and truth be told, i like that he's a cat guy. even if it was reluctant at first, because i saw him with his four week old kittens and DAMN. little kittens are very cute. he's got a nice big couch, and seemingly few issues. it's going to be a casual date, and while i won't kiss and tell, i promise to give you enough details to keep you interested.

no matter who you want to win, i hope you vote. sure, i'm rooting for my guy, but no matter what i'll be damn glad to see less of george w. on my tv.

daylight savings!

i love falling back. yes, i know this means darker sooner, but today, when i get that extra hour to lie in my bed, i'm pretty pleased with myself and the way the world works. i'm sure that feeling will pass once i get to work, but i'm enjoying it for now.

things the cat has learned to do:

• open cupboards. the task itself isn't that hard, you really don't need opposable thumbs for it, but the other night she not only got into the cabinet under the sink, but she chewed a great big hole in her food bag and had a party. bad kitty. i have to hide the food way high up now, and next payday i need to get a big tupperware thing to hold her food.
• flush the toilet. weird, right? for some reason whenever i have to pee, she comes in with me, sits on the tub next to me while i do my thing (which is very strange, but i'm not sure she gets why, so i let her sit there as long as she doesn't bug me), and then when i get up and shut the lid, she starts pushing the handle like she's going to flush. she has yet to push it down all the way, but she is close and once she figures out how hard she needs to push i might be in trouble. i imagine this will be one of those things that at 4 in the morning she'll be flushing away and waking my dumb ass up.
  

hmmm....what else is new. i'm pretty nervous most of the time lately. that's not exactly "news" but the fact that i'm willing to admit it is new. i'm fairly sure it's just a combination of weather changing, constant calls from bill collectors, and an overwhelming feeling of not being in control, but i'm trying hard to not just increase my meds and float through. it's hard to do, though. on my days off i'm fine, it's my working days that are suffering. what it boils down to is i can't afford to be that nervous-wreck at work, i can't afford to take a day off and lie in bed making lists and worrying a hole in the ground. i can't afford to not go in when they call me on my days off. in fact, i really should get another job or at least a second job. i feel this tension between my shoulder blades all the time, and i have days when i feel like crawling out of my skin. it's not so much fun. i don't think i'm very pleasant to hang out with or talk to, and i'm sure as hell boring myself with all the thinking and worry and sour stomach. logically i know that things are okay; maybe not great or fantastic, but that i'm not that much worse off than anybody else and that i have a place to live and a job and a car and things are going to work themselves out. it's just hard to convince my mis-firing brain that this is true. dear seratonin, why you got to be such a bitch?