hooray! it's not just me!

reading mimi smartypants this morning i was happy to discover that i am not the only woman on earth who hates the snuggle. if there is one thing that breaking up with the fisherman has been good for, it is that i don't have to pretend to enjoy bed snuggles any more. in fact, i have decided that i will never again fake an interest or enjoyment in cuddling, because aside from the five minutes before or after sexy time, i have no use for it. yes, that makes me an asshole. what's weird is that i like hugs, and i like napping together on couches, but when it comes to bed i just want to sleep and it's impossible to do that while someone is either groping/pawing/or petting me. i have actually been woken up by the fisherman and rolled over to say, "dude, stop touching me" before falling back asleep. i blame it on the fact that he woke up from a sound sleep, but i felt that way pretty much the whole time we shared a bed. the first night i got to sleep alone on the couch i was so relieved to get to just go to bed and sleep, regardless of the fact that i now sleep on something less comfortable than a bed of nails. a bed of nails soaked in rubbing alcohol, to be exact.

so while the breakup is continuing to plod along uncomfortably i am at least happy to have quiet sleep-time back.

unexpected gem

i believe i have mentioned before how much i love my local library. i've loved all my local libraries, but this one i love because it has a rad graphic novel section. not many libraries take comics seriously, or stock very many, but mine has a fairly good selection. it's reason number #3 why i love anacortes and don't want to move. i look through the graphic novel/comic section every time i'm in there because i'm always sure to find something new or interesting. last week i found this book by chester brown, louis riel; a comic book biography. it's about louis riel, a 19th century canadian revolutionary. riel was metis; half french, half indian and fought for metis rights during the time the country of canada was being built. it goes into imperialism (british expansion and rule of canadian land), capaitalism (how big companies like hudson bay affected country and state building), and race relations. honestly, i wouldn't say i'm super-interested in canadian history, aside from watching old degrassi episodes, and just picked it up because that's the beauty of libraries; picking up stuff that might be cool with no worries. if you don't like it, you can bring it back. i don't even always finish reading library books (gasp!) if i don't like them because i figure i am a grown-up and there are a lot of books out there i want to read, so why waste time on books that suck? in any case, i am loving this book. aside from all the nerdy learning about canada stuff, the drawings are beautiful, the story is incredibly well told, and i can't recommend this book enough. even if you aren't that into comics i think you'll dig it.

another good reason to love my library: they had a copy of dude, where's my car? in the dvd section. awesome!

a little sleep deprived

i had to do inventory last night at work, which meant working from midnight to eight this morning. i tried to stay up late late late saturday night, thinking that would mean sleeping in the next morning, but even though i stayed up till three i only slept in until 10. argh. then i took one tiny nap, for about an hour and half, because my body was all, "what? we have to work tonight? whatever." i got out of work at seven this morning and was successfully asleep at eight, but only slept in until 11:30. i don't want to sleep all day, that's going to ruin my routine. so i'm up, i'm going to shower, and get stuff done today. i hope.

p.s.

when i'm not gnawing off the inside of my cheeks and contemplating cat acquisitions, i am busy bidding on fisher price little people on ebay. for one thing, seeing them makes me feel happy. for another, maggie has inherited mine and my sister's old little people house and it is strangely lacking in actual people. there's furniture, but where are the folks? i am nothing if not a sucker for nostalgia as well as convinced my childhood was the best, so i can't abide by the new-school little folks. she needs plastic, 1970's little people. they're hard to find at thrift stores, so i'm bidding on a lot of different lots hoping some pay out. some of them i will keep to look at when i feel pokey, and most will go to the most spoiled two year old i know.

p.p.s. i won some! i can't wait to get them and take photos before passing some of them on to maggie.

i wish i was the moon

i'm toying with the idea of drunkeness, but one of my readers (hi anne!) emailed me the other day saying, "dude, that smell thing and general yuckiness is like pregnancy 101." i paraphrase, of course, anne is a grown-up who uses the word "dude" less than i do, although not by much. i am quite positive that the only thing growing in my uterus is resentment, however, and that i really have just bought a lot of stinky lotions and emollients lately. they aren't all called "unguents" for nothing.

i think the fisherman and i have had our last fight and blow-out. things were civil when i came home, but now he's in one room and i'm in the other. it's like being alone, only a lot more tense. last night during our big hurrah he told me how upset he was that i never seemed sad in front of him. i can't understand why he would think i would go to the person causing me pain with proof of it. call me small and petty, but i can't give him that satisfaction. instead of crying at him and wanting him to make it better, i went home. i went to my people. yes, it's true i retreated from him, but at that moment he felt like the enemy and i thought maybe this is indeed why domestication isn't for me. i see blogs like this and my friends happy and married with gorgeous, amazing children and want it, but can't seem to make it happen. i feel a little wistful and think, "man, that looks fun." real life, real practice with real problems and upsets and trial finds me totally faltering. there's a part of me that thinks maybe i did give up too soon with the fisherman and part of me who thinks that the clock is ticking and life isn't forever and at thirty i might very well be middle-aged and why settle? i told my mother over coffee the other day that i thought i just wasn't cut out for home-maker, that maybe i just missed the domestication gene. she thinks i'm just not in a very good domestic situation, but i wonder if she's just being kind. she is, after all, my mother and sees me in a nicer way than i see myself.

i am sad. i do feel like crying most of the time and feel horrible and shitty and ugly both inside and out. i can hardly talk about it seriously because my throat closes up and i feel so utterly ashamed that i fucked up. rationally i know this relationship disintegrated on a few different levels, but i can't help but feel like a failure, to take it personally. i just can't let him see that. i don't want to and i'm not going to.

maybe cocktails aren't the best idea.

what's that smell?

what's with things that offend my delicate olfactory senses lately? first the hair dye, now the lotion. (it puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!) i admit i am a bit vain. not like, crazy-super-plastic-surgery-vain, but i feel pale lately. plus i miss spring. so i bought some of that tanning lotion, the kind that promises it takes a while and won't streak me or turn me oompa loompa orange, but i don't like the scent. i don't exactly hate it, but it isn't a smell i want to snuggle up with. it has the vague smell of something i like, cocoa butter, but then the chemical burn scent kicks in and kills it for me. grrr. now i am both vain and annoying.

all i want is black hair and skin that isn't so vampiric it hurts a zombie's eyes. do i ask that much, really?

i wish i were in l.a. this weekend

did you know they have a grilled cheese invitational?! i ask this rhetorically because, duh, now you do. oh man, i wish i were going this weekend. i have the awesome-est idea for a dessert grilled cheese you have ever heard of (that falls into the honeypot category). how much fun would it be to get all sauced up and make and eat grilled cheese sandwiches? that practically describes my perfect night out after hitting the bar. being here instead of there is lousy! i want some sun and grilled sandwiches!

had a cheese class today. it was a make-up for the one i missed while pop was in the hospital. it was awesome; mainly because there are two ladies in my class that annoy the hell out of me and they weren't there. one of them won't shut her piehole for more than fifteen consecutive seconds, and the other one won't shut the hell up about taleggio. yes, taleggio is good. yes, it's nice and soft. yes, i am a big fan of washed rind cheeses. this lady makes me want to smother her fat face with limburger, though. i have no love for her, and it makes me cringe to listen to her. having just my teacher and one of the other fun cheese mongers there was way more fun. i got to try a new cheese from satrtori, called bellavitano. i liked it enough i brought a little chunk of it home. we ate a bit of swiss as well, and my suspicions about how awesome cave-aged gruyere would be were confirmed. i've been working sort of haphazardly on a cheese blog, figuring out recipes and stuff, mainly for my own edification since there are a million internet sources about cheese. ooh, and i got to taste sbrinz. aw, shit. like i needed another cheese to love. boy howdy is it good. it has this gorgeous, fresh, green smell like young swiss and salty crystals like parmigiano reggiano. for a cheese as old as it is, it really doesn't taste it. the flavors are pronounced and yet subtle at the same time. it's a lot less salty than regular parm, and impossibly silky. if i could, i would totally eat a pound of it right now.

ah, cheese. i do love it. although the last time i went to see my doctor he wanted to talk about my cholesterol. evidently i don't have a tumor causing my buffalo hump, and my cortisol levels are either making me fat or the fat is raising my cortisol levels. chicken and egg! in short, he thinks my numbers are too high, both in cholesterol and weight. he wants me to lose twenty pounds and call him in the morning. as part of this plan, i am eating oatmeal for breakfast and trying to cut down on the cheesey goodness. and by "cut down" i mean less crackers and more veggies. although you can't blame a girl in my situation for loving the cheese sandwiches. this is the sort of home life that sends a chub scout right to comfort foods. it's okay, really. i am indulging in small ways and trying to watch what i eat while riding my bike more, but i'm not going all annie anorexic on you. promise.

colorsilk can suck it

i bought two boxes of revlon's colorsilk hair dye over six months ago because it was a package deal; both boxes for $4. they had a lot of black, and i bought a set and remember thinking at the time, "maybe i should buy more, that's a good price..." however, the first time i used it the fumes almost killed me. which is why i waited so long to dye again. i conned myself into believing it couldn't have been that bad, but it is. colorsilk smells awful. it works okay (i mean, i use black, it's hard to mess that up), it's always cheap, but the smell. my god! it's way over the top; like burning plastic and heaps of flowers. it takes two days for the scent to stop causing headaches. everyone around you will look at you funny. being in public is hard. i feel it's best to use it at night, get drunk, then go to sleep. then try to stay drunk the next day, while washing it some more. i never use it the day before i have to go to work, and i never use it in the morning. and i promise myself to never use it again. cheap or not, black hair or no, i will gladly pay more for a hair dye whose scent does not make me want to die. natural instincts, anyone?

blueberry vodka and lemonade

much better combo than you might think. yesterday was all ups and downs, starting with a huge fight between me and who else? he says he wants me out of the apartment if i don't think we'll get back together, i said that was bullshit. then i came home and he was all nice and friendly and i was tired of stressing about the situation and agreed to dinner and a movie. subway and blockbuster, to be exact. we watched run ronnie run! which is david cross genius, i had two drinks and we actually got along. of course, this morning now i'm all worried he thinks this means reconciliation is imminent. this is how my life has been lately, angry in the morning and relaxed by bedtime. the stress of it is going to kill me, i know. which is why i am indeed looking for somewhere else to live. i don't want to get pushed out but i know it's better for both of us. primarily, though, it's better for me.

what bothers me the most right now is his reaction to me being angry. if i get mad about something legitimate, instead of being sorry or even confused, he just gets mad right back. i can't talk to him, because he storms off, i think to make up stories or excuses, although i don't know for sure. i'm sick to death of having to explain to him why i'm upset, how it's a normal response, and why what he does doesn't help any. maybe we could have worked this out, but when i came home and confronted him about the personal ad he shrugged and said, "i'm sorry your friends found it." then yesterday he digs into that wound a bit more by saying "oh yeah, your 'friends;' what awesome friends to tell everyone first then you. you have great 'friends." and at first i was so fucking angry and then i realized shit! yes, those people might not be my friends so much, i might not want to hang out with them anymore, but wasn't he just deflecting blame? i mean, yeah, what they did was lame and shit but they weren't my boyfriend looking for an internet girlfriend. what he did trumps what they did. and then when we tried to talk later and i called him out on being a dick while i was at my folks recently and he pouted and said that he'd had plans for the weekend for us but then i just up and left. um, yes. i did just up and leave because my dad was in the hospital. i wasn't on fucking vacation and how big a baby do you have to be to begrudge a girl for spending time with her sick pop and not you? jesus.

this is fucked up, right? i mean, i know it is, but he's always trying to make me feel like i'm crazy. what it all boils down to is that even if i love him, our relationship is not working. it's not going to work, we have too many things not in common and that work against us. i don't want to grow up and marry him. i don't want to have kids with him. and really, does it matter why i'm not feeling it? i'm not. i don't have to do this anymore if i don't want to, and while that may hurt his feelings i'm not going to stick around just so things can be hunky-dory for him.

this sucks. this is why i've never shacked up before! i was right! the break-up part of it is miserable.

i wish i could make out with my bike!

seriously. today was painfully gorgeous out, the first warm, sunny spring day i've seen. temps in the sixties, sun shining and blue sky. i had to work early, which i hated this morning, but loved when i got off at five and knew i had hours of sun left. i would have gone straight home and hopped on my bike, but i wanted to go jabber at my sister for a while first. i found her these amazing shoes at my favorite place (ross, dress for less!), and wanted to drop them off. they are very kanye, yes? after picking up these gems yesterday there too, i was feeling like sharing the love. bonus: i knew her boyfriend would hate them. indeed, he wasn't impressed. we think it's funny how much he hates a lot of her shoes. oh, if only he could see all my shoes.

yeah, so it was lovely. i got home, got changed real quick and headed out with my red grocery sack and rode all over town. the air was fresh and clean, heavy with the scent of green things growing and grass being cut. i rode down to the marina because a day without seeing pretty boats seems wasted, and it was low tide and all sorts of cool birds were out. i was so happy, i'm sure if you'd seen me riding around i would have been grinning like a goofball and swerving from side to side, alternately peddling super hard and then lazing back and coasting. i forgot how much fun the whole "stand up and pedal fast!" thing could be. i was all giggly by the time i hit the port, and i sat and watched the sun go down a bit before heading to the grocery store to pick up some veggies.

a goofy and nerdy thing to note: riding your bike to the grocery store and doing your shopping is super fun. i don't know why, but it feels a million times more productive than just driving down there. i have a bike rack thingie, and it's great for getting stuff around without wearing a backpack, but it only holds so much. i don't think i could balance a case of beer back there safely.

i'm tired and happy now, having made a delicious stir fry when i got home. i have a little cup of rice pudding to enjoy as well, and i think i might need to go dive into that. it was a good day. i love my bike.

i'm dying!

not really, but the pressure in my head is indescribable. what's worse is you can't get decent over the counter pharmaceuticals anymore, thanks to meth heads. what i want is real, honest-to-goodness sudafed. and i want a lot of it.

watched the most recent version of day of the dead tonight. a few thoughts: one, mena suvari? really? can she not get any other work or does she love the zombie oeuvre so much she had to be a part of it? two: running zombies are super scary. shambling ones are scary and sneaky, but running and jumping and fast zombies i don't like. however, the fact that they run like 'tards is amusing. three: i'm glad they still make zombie movies, and will gladly watch any they make, however, i don't think this one was as good as the original. true, they were very different, but then why remake it? why not just make another new zombie movie? and four: i kind of want to have a little boy and name him romero. is that too mean? i mean, it's better than my plan to name a baby "hobo" and then we can call him "bo." or "hobart," and we can call him "bart." if i name a boy romero we can call him romy. how cool would a twelve year old boy named after george a. romero be?! this is maybe why my sister thinks i shouldn't actually be allowed to breed.

this is what i got accomplished

inside terrarium, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i built a terrarium! i saw it on a blog and it looked awesome, so had to make one. i'd almost forgotten how satisfying it is to make something. i also bought a def leppard and motley crue shirt, cleaned the crap out my car, and cultivated a wicked headache. mostly good times. you know, except for the headache part.

things i hope to accomplish today

1. get a cute picture frame for an equally cute photo of my maggie macaroni.
2. buy a small amount of potting soil.
   
3. should i really invest in plants when i don't know where i'm going to be living past next month?
4. pay my credit card.
5. wander around a thrift store, hoping to find old buttons.
6. wander around a craft store.
7. see how big i can make my hair (dude, in two weeks it has grown and i woke up this morning with a weird, straight afro thing going on. kind of exciting.).
8. go look at that damn gym that has the cheap sign-up fee and no contract. i won't like it, but i will lose twenty pounds, dammit.
9. drink more coffee.
10. laundry? maybe that can wait for tomorrow.
11. clean out my car. it's gross in there, full of miscellany and trash and napkins.
    

less bitter?

maybe. i got some yelling out of my system this morning and that felt great. although afterward i was all tense and spastic, and ended up at work an hour early. nothing says "early morning fight with the now-totally-official-ex" like showing up that early. i hid out in my car, reading the book i was smart enough to grab and having a cup of coffee. good times.

work was actually a good idea today. something about pretending to be happy and personable all day kind of rubbed off on me, and now that i'm home waiting for more backlash and fighting and trying to figure out who sleeps where and blah blah blah i actually feel okay. not thrilled, but tired of fighting and crying and feeling like an ugly old hag*. i can't do much of anything at this point that isn't just damage control, and it's unavoidable. at the end of my shift i thought about coming home, packing, and then going straight to my folks, but one way or another i'm going to have to deal with all this.

i know shutting the comments off on the last few posts is kind of a dick move, but while i need to get this all off my chest, think it through and write it out, i'm not sure i can handle a lot of actual discussion about it. plus, if any of you said something nice i might end up crying all over my keyboard (which, by the way, would be an AWESOME country song). now that everyone at work knows (and i mean everyone; people i hardly know are offering condolences and advice!), that's all they want to talk about and i think i've had enough talk therapy for a while. some of them mean it nicely and are genuinely concerned, and some are vultures about it. to those in the latter camp i just smile and say "i don't want to talk about it." at the end of the day i still talk about it more than i want to, and it's nice to know that people care but it makes me sad to have to keep thinking about it.

*it's been a while since i felt like such a loser. like i never thought i was the prettiest or foxiest girl i knew, but i never felt so small and gross. i know it's irrational and it will pass, but this sort of situation isn't really a friend to the old self esteem.

what the f?

yesterday i guess the fisherman decided to play the denail game; taking me out to breakfast, buying me flowers, wanting to talk. truth be told, i was confused but it was also kind of a nice day. i mean, in a weird and fucked up way, we are in this together and making it nice rather than nasty seems reasonable and commendable. right? fuck. i don't know. he calls me last night from work and is all chit-chatty and wanting to talk about his day, then he calls later when he's off work saying he's going out for a few hours with his friends. okay. i have to work today, i stayed home.

he never came home. why call and tell me you're going to be out for a few hours and then NOT COME HOME AT ALL? did i miss the memo? is this really how you act when you're trying to work shit out with your girlfriend? fuckity fuck fuck. is he just trying to see how much he can humiliate me before i cry in front of him?

i'm angry, feel like a chump, and also a little worried that maybe he got into some trouble last night. in short, i am a mess. remind me of all this when i'm crying about how my cats don't understand me, because then i'll remember the alternative.

like a bandaid, rip it off!

um, so i'm single again. of course, still living with my boyfriend, but not as his girlfriend. i guess when it rains it pours, even if it is raining shit. a girl at work uses yahoo personals, and the fisherman's profile came up as one of her matches the other day. sweet. she told everyone at work, including me, which led to one very sad, very long, very humiliating day of work. his response to it was, "i'm sorry your friends found it." not, "i'm sorry i did it," or even "i'm sorry i hurt your feelings by internet shopping for a new girl," but "sorry your friends found it, suckah!"

i can't prove that he did anything on the side, or even think he engaged in any real-world extracurricular activities, but i don't want to wait for that to happen. we've had some issues, like most couples do, but i was sort of waiting for them to smooth out. let's face it, we are at a point in our relationship when things maybe aren't super fun and exciting, otherwise known as "real life" and while the honeymoon bloom might be off the rose, i don't think that means we're doing badly. or were, i guess. for him, it was a reason for major freaking out. or it could have been an excuse to start a fight. who knows.

in the end, i still think he's a good man who tried hard, but it wasn't (isn't) enough. i'm sad, honestly, it's just that with all other crap going on i'm a bit cried out. i think that makes him feel like i'm a cold-stone bitch, but i'm tired of thinking of him constantly. the one thing he never understood is how i wasn't looking to make him the center of my life. i love him, but i don't expect him to fulfill all my emotional needs, and i don't think couples joined at the hip are particularly healthy. i need too much of my own space, even if that space is mainly in my head, for his comfort. in that regards i failed miserably as a girlfriend. however, i do get more points for effort since i never posted an on-line personal ad. enough said.

twitter?

i followed lis onto twitter, and i love it. i bet if i had a cell phone i would love it even more. i am in no way a trend setter or coolio, but DAMN. please join so i can follow you. thanks!

we survived

pink meds, originally uploaded by pinprick.

just barely, but we did. maggie went back to preschool today, mom spent the day in bed dying, and pop went home. for everyone but mom it was a good day. poor mom! she wouldn't let me take care of her much, she didn't want me to catch whatever it is they all have. tonight she has to sleep in the sewing room to make sure she doesn't re-infect pop. i wish i could have been more help for her.

dad is feeling better, although the main reason they sent him home is lack of beds. i have to admit, not to brag too much, that pop had the most visitors of anyone in the CCU. i think if they had to send someone home, it was him just 'cause they know how fawned over he is. my pop isn't always the charmingest of guys, but he is loved. as irritated as he might make us, he is ours and we are protective. i think he never spent more than a few hours alone at the hospital, and the nurses were pretty much totally in love with him. even skinny he is a handsome man.

the fisherman and i rode our bikes to a local thai place tonight for dinner, which was fun. i feel less bad about eating out if i ride around to get there. i would have talked him into a long ride after if i'd had my gloves with me; it was sunny but cold and i wanted to be home. we watched the mist when we got back and i had a few glasses of box wine, meaning i am now scared and spooked and a leetle tipsy.

i go back to work tomorrow, then on friday i take the post office worker test. if i could get a job at the post office i would scream with delight. right now i'm just aiming at something at another store, with another company, but a government job would be awesome. those kids have great benefits.

p.s. the mist was AWESOME. easily my favorite scary movie this year. creepy and suspenseful and sad, with a heavy dose of human frailty along with scary monsters. the best monsters are ones in our head, and stephen king and the director knows that.

i am going a little crazy

me in VP, originally uploaded by pinprick.

it's hard to see pop in the hospital. i hated radiation therapy, but this i hate a million times more. for one thing, when did he get so damn skinny? he's got the twiggiest arms. he's also crazy pale, which is quite a feat considering how brown he is. i just saw him a few weeks ago (if even that long) at easter, and thought he looked pretty good. still thinner than i like but healthy and getting better. his hospital gown is massive, he just swims in it, and he's full of tubes and needles which is disquieting. i know he hates it in there too, which makes it worse. he's hooked up to a million different monitors, and i've noticed every time i visit someone comes in to check up on him every half hour. i suppose they call it "critical care" for a reason, but man. it's tough to see. when i'm with him i feel okay; we watch tv, i knit, he tells random stories and we chit chat, but the second i leave i have to try really hard not to burst into tears.

this was all brought on by the flu, but what i found out after i got here was that he was feeling so shitty he actually decided to go the emergency room. dad has to feel seriously, painfully bad for that to happen. when he got in and they checked his blood pressure it was only 60 (!) and the nurse was all, "you walked in?!" so they admitted him immediately, found that not only was his blood pressure dangerously low but he was also dehydrated and had a serious lung infection. the good news is his blood pressure is up enough to take him off the meds, he's full of fluids so they removed his IV, but his lungs are still bad so he's in the CCU (critical care unit) until at least tomorrow, and then they might move him into the general population.

mom's stressed out about all of this, but so sick she can't really hang out at the hospital. they're worried about her re-infecting dad, plus she kind of needs to get some sleep and drink fluids herself. my sister was on vacation until today, and to be perfectly frank she came home and pissed me off within five seconds of walking in the door. the mood in the house is tense, to say the least. instead of thanking me for, you know, watching her sick kid, she started bitching about how the house was a mess. it was, i don't deny it, but i also don't have a lot of experience with taking care of feverish two-year-olds, and was too busy making sure the baby was okay to really think of vacuuming. plus, we spent a ton of time in the living room playing so no wonder it was a bit messy. in a way i just feel totally used, and annoyed that i'm so irritated with her. i did come home to take care of mom and baby, and to see pop and keep him company, not to further some campaign to make myself into the "good kid"--i'm just doing what needs to be done and trying to help out, so i shouldn't feel like i need some sort of recognition for doing what feels like the right thing to do. i just don't want to get nitpicked for how i do it is all.

shit man, if i could get a little drunk right now i would. sorry for the bitching.

ugh, ugh, uuuugh

maggie pretty, originally uploaded by pinprick.

when maggie is sick she pretty much stops talking and grunts and points instead. it's delightful. and i mean that in the most sarcastic way ever. she's got the flu and an ear infection, making her one unhappy and demanding baby.

mom's also got whatever it is she brought home, and yesterday afternoon she handed me baby and went to bed, only to wake up this morning. i spent the first part of the afternoon with dad at the hospital, where he was in a pretty chipper mood considering he felt like shit and couldn't sleep. he's actually sort of funny when sleep-deprived, but as much as he loves me he wanted mom. the thing about being mom is that she's the only one we want when we are sick, making it hard to be her some days. maggie is okay with my undivided attention, though, because she's still young. if her mom doesn't get home soon i'm going to be irritated, though, because i don't know how much more grunting i can stand. oh god, the GRUNTING. the cuddly part of her being sick is sort of cute, but i wish she'd stop making that awful monster noise.

this might make me sterile. i'm here for another two days, until everyone is back on their feet and the grunting stops.

aw sheeet

this month has been all about me complaining, hasn't it? even though some awesome fun stuff happened; like anne and the boys coming for a visit, buying a bike, and realizing that bad haircuts lead to cute barrettes. i went out the other night with friends and also had a rocking good time.

however, pop is in the hospital with some awful infection and flu combo so i think march might have to kiss my ass. i'm taking a few days off work to go home, my sister is out of town and the baby is sick (she started it!) and i love my pop, but he is a bigger baby than she is when he's sick. mom's also got whatever it is baby brought home from daycare, so it is a house full of sickies. i'm going to pack up some knitting projects and toys for maggie and head down there for a while to help out. it will be nice to be able to spend some time with pop but i wish it wasn't in the critical care unit.

a few facts for you to digest

if your boss asks you to willingly violate a labor law, and you realize later that what you did could totally get your ass fired, you should go to the union. STAT. the offense might be minor in and of itself, and when you're asked you might think, "whatever," but you know what? your boss, especially if your boss is an asshole, doesn't really care if you lose your job or not, so long as they make gross (or quota, or figures, or whatever they use to call "money"). the day after you go the union management will spend a lot of time trying to sweet talk you and tell you that you didn't need to go to the union in the first place. this, my friends, is bullshit. just because they look bad and now their superiors know what jackoffs they are, doesn't mean you did anything wrong. covering your own ass, making sure that you don't get canned for doing something your boss asked you to do, is not only okay, but totally commendable. if you belong to a union, don't be afraid to use it. after all, you pay for the privilege, and sometimes the union is the only thing other than yourself watching out for you.

so what happened? i was asked to work but not clock in. not because they weren't going to pay me for my hours, but because i was working late at night and they wanted to avoid anyone knowing i was working earlier than i am supposed to. i was told repeatedly that i had to keep it "quiet" or else i would get in trouble. also, i got screwed out of two hours of sunday pay, which where i work at is time and a third, as well as over 6 p.m. pay (another twenty cents an hour). at the time i was asked, it was late and i didn't care. i just wanted to get my shit counted and get out. later, when i realized what i was asked to do, and how i got screwed, and that i could be fired i felt both angry and ashamed for having been such a chump. i mean, come on. my mom's in a union, my pop and i did nothing but study marxist and socialist theory our first few years of college, and i thought i knew my shit. the change in my attitude and awareness has crept up on me; after about six months of being jerked around, of being expected constantly to "take one for team" and/or "be a good team player" i realized that i am indeed, totally getting played. this grocery store is a fucking mess. my senior manager is a two-faced, snarky creep of a bitch and i'm tired of being taken for a ride. when i started i was glad for the job, when pop was sick i was glad for the long weekends, and when i got my new job i totally loved it. i still love what i actually do, but i'm finding the politics real hard to swallow. what makes it hard is that on paper i can see how royally fucked over i'm being, and want to just quit and run for the hills (which is actually the plan right now) but in real life i work with a whole bunch of nice folks who i honestly care about. i like my co-workers, i like the work i do, i feel like i'm part of a community that i enjoy. the thing is, my personal relationships and capital there don't translate into rent money or car insurance. it doesn't even translate very well into actual groceries! the store i work at is crazy expensive, and i can't afford to buy my food there. i also can't pay all my bills every month and the us department of education kind of wants to garnish my meager wages. awesome!

it might have been foolish to hope things would work out and get better, but oh well. maybe that means i'm saving my real bitterness and cynicism for later in life.

odds n' ends

having anne and the boys up this weekend was awesome. i was worried about my tiny, furniture-less apartment, but aside from tiernan observation that it smelled like smoke, i think it actually fit everyone a lot better. there's a lot of usable space in an empty apartment! and yes, it does still smell like the old smoker tenants, although what's sad is that it smells so much better to us that we don't notice. it was fun to show them around my cute little town, and it makes me want to go down to portland soon.

i bought a bicycle today! i have been threatening to do this for years now, and even have a bell for the bike i didn't even own, but today i got back my colorado state income tax return and bought a simple cruiser style $60 bike at the evil empire. as bikes go, it is decidedly unsophisticated; brake with your feet, no gears, and cheap decals instead of fancy paint job. i probably could have bought a bike at the thrift store for less, but i won't lie, i really like the look of a cruiser. i have plans to scrape off the stickers, and need to adjust the seat/handlebars, but i took it for a ride tonight and it was awesome fun. it was also seriously cold, but i drove on down to the pizza parlor to show the fisherman the goods and get a sandwich. (he gets a great discount, so i do too! my whole meal was under $5 and included half a sandwich, a side salad, bag of chips and a soda! whoo!) i suspect i'll be a bit sore tomorrow from the extra exertion, but this is why i bought a bike. exercise and i hate each other, but for some reason tooling around on a bike just seems like fun. the fact that i do indeed get in a small workout is just a bonus. i have a feeling when i go back into the doctor's next week they're going to want to talk to me about my cholesterol, so i can jump start that conversation with, "yeah, i just got a bike."

i have lots more to say, but am beat. i'm headed to the bath and then bed.

ahhh-chooo!

when did people stop calling seasonal allergies "hay fever?" because the past few days when anyone has asked, "what's wrong? what are you sick with?*" i've been saying "oh nothing, a little hay fever" and they look at me like "what the fuck are you talking about? fever? from hay?" i can literally see the pollen in the air, so it's not a big surprise to me that i itch like a sonofabitch and am sneeze-tastic. i'm on the claratin, but not to much avail. nothing stops the sneezing, yo.

easter was super fun. we had both lamb of god and ham, too many side dishes to count, and three desserts. maggie had an awesome day, and we spent the day running around after each other and trying to sneak more candy than her mom (my sister) thought was appropriate. because i had to work late last night doing inventory, we took a little nap in the afternoon together and that was pretty much my favorite part of the day. she was a little cuddle monkey and even though she woke me up a few times with a foot in my belly, it was a good nap.

anne and tiernan and henry are on their way here as we speak! yay! i should have more of the apartment cleaned up, but it can actually be difficult to tidy up with nothing has a place to be stored. i feel a giant closet stuffing coming on... hopefully pizza for dinner and lots of photos to come! it will be fun to have guests, although i feel a bit sheepish about our apartment. attaining furniture hasn't been high on our list of priorities, and getting my stuff out of storage has been a major issue, so we still live with one lame-ass futon, two camp chairs and four plates. not exactly fancy. plus, nothing is up on the walls because we don't have nails and you can't really hang up stuff if you don't know where anything else is going. we are a bare walled, white and messy apartment right now. they've seen my messy nests before, but i'm sad because the one thing that's fun about me is that my rooms are fun to poke around in. lots of interesting things to get your hands on, pictures to look at, weird stuff in jars or piles. now, not to much.

*this is actually our new standard greeting at work, what with all the plagues running rampant. up next: rain of frogs!

happy easter!

egg dying cups, originally uploaded by pinprick.

home for the day; i have to do inventory tonight at work, so i get to do an overnight shift. that's fine, i got to spend last night with maggie and my folks, and today we're going to have lamb of god for dinner, as well as about three different kind of cakes and pies. mom, she went crazy with the cakes this year. maggie has been impossibly adorable since i got here, and tomorrow i get to see my favorite boys! it's going to be a great weekend, even if i have to spend all night counting cheese and salad bar condiments.

i hope your easter is awesome, i'll have pictures of my cuties soon!

mimolette!

isn't that a totally fun word to say? mimolette! it's adorable. it's also a cheese, if you didn't already guess. after spending the morning being stabbed with needles and worrying, the fisherman and i did a little afternoon driving and found a cute little grocery store in the middle of nowhere that i had read about. i'd been wanting to go there for a while, after hearing that they were tiny but carried a pretty varied selection of gourmet foods. i was after cheese, and cheese i found! along with some salted anchovies that i should have bought, in retrospect.

mimolette is a french, cow's milk cheese. they age it anywhere from a year to two; this particular wedge is about 18 months old. the older it gets, the darker in color it gets. you might notice it has an unusual crust, sort of speckled and pockmarked (a bit like cantaloupe skin), due to an equally unusual aging process. what's mimolette's secret? cheese mites! yes, little buggies eat at the rind and this leaves it marred like the surface of the moon, tiny craters everywhere. how does it taste? delicious. like most cheeses aged for over a year, the paste (that's the fancy word for the cheese itself) is hard and a bit crumbly. it's nutty and slightly sweet, with a bit of a cheddar-y tang. it's not very strong, like you might think a cheese aged with bugs would be. you can grate it, it would be good on pasta or potatoes (then again, not much isn't good on either of those thing), but it's nice just sliced and eaten. i would pair it with an ale of some sort; nothing too dark or heavy. pretzels, mimolette and beer, maybe a nice crisp apple, a smidge of salami, would make an awesome snack or light dinner. this afternoon i ate it with some pretzels and some aged goat cheese.
and here's my awful haircut. i'm smiling on the outside but a sad little clown on the inside, trust me. i mean, look at how ridiculous my pinned back bangs are. i can only really do one side, they weren't really long enough to start pinning them back, so the other side is all puffy and defiant like "bitch! this is what you get for going to hairmasters!" i just suddenly have so much fucking face, you know? nothing to hide behind. bleh. in a few weeks i might like it better, but right now i'm not loving it. plus, i think i found the spot the doctor said is thinning. i can't see the back or top of my head, obviously, so i used my camera to take some photos and checked those out. it's not a huge spot, and if he had never uttered the word "thinning" i would have just thought it was a combination of my hair part and cowlick. as it is now, i wish i were a faithful jewish man so i could use a yarmulke to cover that shit up. grrr.

i gave them tons of blood this morning, so in a week or so i should know what's wrong with me, if anything. i might just be a fat girl with a hunchback and unfortunate female pattern baldness. in which case, i should change the name of my blog to "rogaine and liposuction."

i do want to show you

yellow button, originally uploaded by pinprick.

my new haircut, but i haven't washed my hair now in a day or so, and so this isn't the best time to take it's picture! i took a shower last night before i went out to drink some green beer, and never got a chance to take one today. i will admit since then i've just been wetting it and applying product at times, and it's holding up pretty good. i imagine right now it smells a lot like chicken grease, but it doesn't actually look that different from when it's clean.

had to get up early this morning to go the doctor's, and found out a few troubling things. for one thing, i am a hunchback. to be clear, i have a buffalo hump. a few weeks ago i noticed this weird lump on the base of my neck and was like, no fucking way, i'm a HUNCHBACK. i mean, my neck and back hurts a lot because my bed it shitty and i work bending over a lot (insert sex joke here), but a hump is not in any way, shape, or form acceptable. the doctor was so nonchalant about it but i was pretty depressed. being compared to a buffalo at any point in time, for any reason, just doesn't make me feel too good. tomorrow morning i go in for a few blood tests to see what might be causing that as well as some other stuff.

what other stuff? he thinks my hair is thinning. hair thinning is right on my list of things i never want to happen to me, and so after being sucker punched with news of my buffalo fucking hump i'm also losing hair. they should give out razor blades or xanax with those kinds of diagnoses! shit man. being slightly hungover, unwashed and learning that it's not enough my hair is short now, but it's falling out, is not my idea of an awesome day. again, he's thinking some of the tests they'll do tomorrow will figure that shit out.

then to cap it all off, i got called into work on my day off. true, i could have said no, but we are down three people in the deli due to one broken foot, one case of mono and one staph infection, and what was i going to do today but cry about my hump and thinning hair? getting out of the house was good for me, even though now i kind of want to slink inside a hole and have some cocktails. dear diary, this week has sucked major ass. humps and hair and hangovers, oh my!

i'm a monster!

i got the world's worst haircut last night. no, i take that back. the haircut itself is pretty sweet, and the lady did a good job, but it looks horrendous on me. for one thing, it is way too short. when i said three inches below my chin she took that to mean "right at my chin." my bangs looks so ridiculous with this haircut that i have to pin them back, using a massive amount of product and two strategically placed bobby pins. the only redeeming thing about this haircut is that i use less shampoo and i won't have to get it cut again for a long time.

i feel so ugly.

i had a horrible dream last night that my sister was pregnant and her new baby daddy put the kibosh on me seeing any of her kids. i was like, "hey! baby's not even his! he can't do that!" and she was all "sorry, dude, what my man says goes." it was infuriating.

i have to go try to fix myself up for work. i might look like a matronly soccer mom who wanted her hair cut in a "fun and easy!" way, but i want to at least be the best looking soccer mom i can be.

sad but true

i've been listening to a lot of linkin park lately. sometimes it's so hard to fight my natural desire to be a 15-year-old-emo-boy.

also, i got these new plugs thinking they might be sort of incognito, but i think they are pretty much just as low-key as shoving elephant tusks through my ears. dammit. i like them a lot, but that means i shouldn't wear them to work. the official policy is "no more than one per ear if you are a woman, and nothing dangle-y." technically these pass, but the look i got from the perishable manager today was interesting to say the least and i just don't feel like talking to him about why i do this. generally speaking i try to keep our conversations cheese-based.

maybe plugs made out of parmesan? functional and delicious.

baby, baby. baby

oh boy. i will start by admitting i have indeed had some wine tonight. some penny wine, so named because the first glass leaves the aftertaste of penny, and some box wine, which is a lot more like candy than i realized. i wish i had bought more than one box. hmmmm....

the fisherman and i have made up. it's weird, but i don't think either one of us is very good at arguments. i want to not talk, he does, and um...that's not so awesome. at the same time, what kind of fight is a good fight? there isn't much awesome in not getting along.

i have a line-up on what sounds like a very cool job, but it's like my grocery store is is psychic. the week i go for something else, they give me forty hours. they not only do that, but then they make a big point of giving me 40 next week, and congratulating me on my sales increases (25% average!). now what? how long will this last? i'm stoked, because getting to know new kids and learning new rules doesn't sound so fun, plus i have a million fantastic ties now, and they are part of my uniform! who needs new work clothes? hmph. i'm not sure what to do or think, but until daylight savings kicks in i refuse to make any decisions. that seems reasonable, right? yay!

want to hear more bitching?

today i was super-cute. i tell you this first, so that the rest of the story makes sense. i did my hair, i put on this new shirt i got with my belated christmas present (a macy's gift card), was all excited about it being sunny and pretty and having the day off.

the fisherman spent all day sleeping, which was irritating enough. i did my errands and shit, then came home to nest a bit. i was making a nice dinner when he decided he had to go to work and fix something minor. i pointed out that he could wait until later to go in, or call in and fix this thing, but he wanted to go and i said, "okay, dinner will be ready in half an hour." he says, "i'll be gone for ten!" if you say to me you'll be gone for ten minutes, you can actually be gone for half an hour before i care. one whole hour, however, is a totally different story.

to be frank, i know i'm a late and pokey person. so i let a bit of that go with everyone else. since i am always five minutes late, i don't consider you late until 15. and even then i don't bitch until 20. tonight, however, i was making a nice dinner, was looking good, and was (i think totally reasonably) upset at him being absent for an hour being some big-shot at work. i know he's the manager, his co-workers are coming to grips with that, and he's there all the fucking time so why take an hour of out his day off to go in?! then he has the gall to get mad at me for being mad and leaves.

he's been gone now for an hour and half. i don't know where he is, or what he's doing (although i suspect he's at work), and i'm annoyed. i think it's okay, and even understandable, that i would be upset. when he wanted to chit-chat and make nice after he came home i told him that i was mad and just didn't feel like talking. then i read some of my book and he got all fussy that i was giving him the "silent treatment" and stormed out. i think i have every right to have given him a little silent treatment, and i wasn't being overly hostile. i told him to watch what he wanted on tv, i was just mad and needed some time to cool off. i am not a big talker when i am upset.

he could have called. he could have waited until after dinner--but to get mad at me for being mad just makes me more angry. the storming out, also not winning him points. am i being unreasonable? is this sort of thing normal? what the fuck is going on. you don't need to answer that one, i'm just thinking out loud.

a list of people who annoy the shit out of me:

1. jerks on cell phones in libraries. when did it become okay to even talk in a library, much less do it on a phone?! where did this trend start? libraries are awesome because they are quiet, and fun to hang out and read in. the only other place i remember being this quiet was church as a kid, and that stillness made both places feel special. i gave up church when i realized i didn't believe in god, but why are assholes ruining my library experience? i don't ask for much dammit, just a nice librarian or two to hiss "shhh..." on occasion.
2. people who insist on their lunchmeat being "shaved." this means they want it so thin it unravels, and this, my friends, is a pain in the ass to do. when they say they want it shaved i want to say, "you should go buy your own meat slicer then." so annoying. i hate shaving meat! how on earth are meat scraps more delicious than regular slices? i don't get it.
3. mailmen who are dicks. i have been dealing with this one guy at the post office who is such an insufferable jerk, and waiting in line i just hope that i don't get him, but of course i always do. today i was impossibly rude back and then he was nice to me. i gave him the stink-eye-extraordinaire and he smiled at me. i want to break his kneecaps.

things that make life worth living and negate the above list:

1. getting six feet under season 2. man, i love that show. i dn't believe i love it enough to keep it when i'm done watching it, though. the fisherman thinks it's retarded, but i'm totally going to donate the series to the libary when i'm done. that way the next suckers who get all wrapped up in it will at least have some more fisher goodness!
2. sifl and olly! the set i bought on ebay is obviously transfered from vhs, taped-from-tv, but it's awesome nonetheless. i could watch that show all the time! it reminds me of a pretty happy time in my high school career, too.
3. laughing cow cheese being on sale at the grocery store. it meant i could buy two kinds! original for the fisherman, and garlic and herb for me.
4. awesome booty from the grocery outlet. seriously. check it out.

dear diary,

someone to eat cheese with, originally uploaded by pinprick.

amen.

ha!

6th grade, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i found a whole bunch of old photos while i was at home the past few days, and this one cracked me up. this was me in the 6th grade; awkward, weird looking, with the biggest glasses on earth. this is after the summer i had to start wearing them, and the summer where i got my first period. my teeth were still huge and the gap was still there, so i wouldn't smile for any camera ever. it was not my happiest school year, but things got better, including my haircut.

baby was crazy cuddly and sweet yesterday, she was all hugs and smiles and tickles. i love that. we didn't do anything but lounge around the house yesterday watching dinosaur movies and trying to get her to eat some food. it was a totally awesome day. i kind of love doing nothing, i'm not ashamed to admit it.

pretty pretty

iron flower, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i used the "sunny" setting on my camera today, because it's been ages since i used it. i mean, really, it's been a whlie since i was out on such a nice day taking photos. i remember now, of course, that the sunny setting on my camera totally sucks ass and my photos do too!

i think it's time to swap my camera out for a new one, but i won't be able to afford that for a while. for now i'm going to try to take them the old school way, using the viewfinder (gasp!) instead of my scratchy screen, and paying more attention to the settings. i would rather buy something fancy that thinks for me, but that is not to be! dammit.

the other awesome thing about being at my folks house: torchwood. pop was saying one of the episodes i watched was an old one, and that he had some other ones tivo'd, but i reminded him that it's been so long they're all new to me now. he thought that was kind of lucky. i watched a lot of episodes saturday night, needless to say.

crescent fresh

i had sort of a funny weekend. mainly because i got a day off during an actual weekend, although i had to go to work late last night to make up for it. it was awesome, though.

saturday night i went home to my folk's, and when i walked in the door my niece actually said, "it's aunt amanda!" of course, she's two and it sounded a bit more like "is ant amana!" but DAMN. i felt like a rock star. she knows my name! mom says she's been working with her to say it, and even though when she wants my attention she still yells "mama," she said my name a lot yesterday. whoo! i am officially on her radar. i mean, i'm pretty sure i was before, but when a kid says your name for the first time, especially when it's kind of hard for them to, it's ridiculously satisfying. she loved her sock puppet, and we played all night with it. the next day we spent most of the day at the park goofing around, and she amazed me with all the new words she's learning. i say it all the time, but she's a genius. pretty soon i'll be able to have a real conversation with her, just like i do with jude and tiernan, and i can hardly wait. i brought my camera with, and i'm sure i brought my extra battery and charger, but i couldn't find them and my main battery died so i have no good pictures of baby. i realize spending time with her is more important that taking pictures of spending time with her, but she's totally photogenic and it's hard to brag about her awesomeness without being able to show you pretty pictures.

dad's birthday went well, too. i didn't have a present for him, because i suck and am poor, but i brought home the veal shanks we used to make oso bucco. dinner was great, i got to see my aunt and uncle and the photos they brought of my cousin's new house in NY. those made me a wee jealous, but in a good way. we watched the oscars, and maybe it's because i actually saw some of the movies nominated, or the fact that i haven't wacthed in five years, but that was a lot more enjoyable than expected. javier bardem was amazing, and who would have thought a psychopath could clean up so well? and viggo mortenson, with that beard even, was still hot. how'd he do that? helen mirren was also exceptionally hot, and tilda swinton made me laugh out loud. we ate ice cream cake and looked at all the pretty outfits and then i headed off to work to do inventory.

inventory itself was easy, and i love working at the grocery store late at night. there are very few customers, you can get a lot done, and i busted out a ton of work in a short amount of time. i kind of wish that was always my schedule; it's my favorite time to do my grocery shopping, so it seems reasonable that it's also my favorite time to work. bonus: i didn't have to wear my uniform or hat, so i was actually comfortable the whole time i worked. i should apply for a night stocking job. the night hours suit me. it was hard to come home and go to bed, i kind of wanted to stay up all night or go out to the refinery and take pictures, but i knew i had a lot to do today and my camera battery was dead anyhow.

today i do all my little errands and since it's bright out (albeit a bit chilly with the wind) i'm going to walk around town. hopefully i can find my battery camera before i go! i bought some sifl and olly on ebay this morning too, and even though i know they're just burned dvds and probably all copyright infringed and shit, they don't actually make a real sifl and olly set. i'm just happy i won't have to watch youtube videos and can enjoy some sock puppetry in my own home. the fisherman will be thrilled, and i'm being totally sarcastic there because really, he doesn't love the sock puppets the way i do. oh well!

whoo!

selling stuff on ebay can be frustrating, what with waiting for payments and stuff, answering stupid questions, trying to figure out how much to charge for shipping and all that jazz, but when stuff sells i feel awesome. i've put about half my stuff up, and made $60! i still have a lot to go. yay!

in other news, i made baby a sock puppet today. when i get paid for my next batch of ebay stuff, i'm totally buying the complete seasons of sifl and olly. i spent the day humming and/or singing the theme song, randomly yelling "rock!" at work. the fisherman does not think sock puppets are half as amusing as i do, but i know baby, and she's going to love it.

spring fever

i should be getting ready for work, you know, taking a shower and packing a lunch and all that stuff, but instead i'm watching sifl and olly on youtube and drinking coffee. and now blogging! because all of those things are totally productive, right?!

it's been beautiful out the past few days. i had tuesday off, and the fisherman and i spent all day walking around town. i wish i'd remembered my camera, but i didn't. we spent a long time down at the marina, looking at all the lovely boats and daydreaming about owning something awesome. i have decided if we live on a boat i really want one with an outdoor cooking area. some boats have small sinks and ovens and stuff on the back end, along with the kitchen on the inside (a galley, to be proper). how awesome would it be to make dinner out on the back deck of your boat while you float along? too awesome. we saw old school boats, some converted tugs, a gorgeous long sailboat with solar panels (whoo!), modern yachts, including one that was entirely cream colored. it looked like floating space-age ice cream. there were other folks out too, mainly retirees with their dogs walking. i love running into dogs on walks, they're all happy and excited and you get to say hi and not have to pick up their poop.

i want to go camping. i want to take a few days off work and just go hiking around town, maybe buy a cheap bike at the thrift store and fill up a basket with sandwiches and take off. i don't want to have to put on my tie and tell people about cheese today. i want to make sock puppets for baby and get more sun. dammit!

a day late

things i am totally loving right now, in honor of valentine's day:

• honey in my coffee. i don't know why i started, i think it was one morning when i realized the fisherman had emptied the sugar bowl into his tea and i was too lazy to fill it back up, but whatever, i am loving it. it adds just a little sweetness, and the taste ends up being kind of caramel-y. it's awesome.
• fisherman freckles.
  
• we are having a sale on brie at work and suddenly i am consumed with trying to find ways to add brie to every meal. brie stuffed in french toast? on a sandwich? wrapped in pastry and baked? melted and shot into my veins via IV? okay!
• six feet under. i have a morbid sense of humor, and this show pretty much caters to my every need. we realized that renting the rest of them would be crazy expensive, but you can buy the seasons pretty inexpensively and used on amazon. the plan is to buy them as we need them, then resell them when we're done. or maybe donate them to the library so that everyone can enjoy them!
• the way my little niece says "i love you." it sounds like "i love vooo," and it's the coolest thing on earth. she's still calling me "mama" too, although she says it in a totally different way than she says it to her actual mom. she's got a different version of mama for both me and grandma, and when i try to correct her she looks at me like i'm dumb and says, "no, mama!" that is also pretty damn cute.
  
• being thisclose to getting my shit out of storage. i just have to make the arrangement and then yay! cutlery! dishes! clothes! books! all my shoes!
  

valentine's day is for suckers!

valentine brie, originally uploaded by pinprick.

but i totally love you anyway. enjoy a photo of my roasted mushroom and garlic baked brie. after this i made crescent dogs for dinner because nothing goes better with fancy french cheese like hotdogs. word. xoxoxo

ebay, you are killing me

okay, not really. the thing is, i have a ton of these rad old knitting magazines and pamphlets and patterns, inherited by my mother by one of her clients, and i'm trying to unload them on ebay. they are awesome, and some we are keeping, but honestly, no one needs as many knitting magazines as this lady collected. it was boxes and boxes and boxes and BOXES of them, and they are a pain in my ass because i am listing them one at a time. i know, so much work, right? especially for one as lazy as i am, but selling them in a big batch, or even a few small batches just seems wrong. all of them are crazy, ridiculous and awesome in different ways. i don't want someone stuck with a bunch of lame patterns they hate just to get two they scream about. also, having three beers while watching movies tonight sort of sucked out my enthusiasm for this project but i am pressing on. trying very hard to remember to check my spelling (did you know searching for misspelled shit on ebay is a big deal? then you get great stuff that no one else is finding because they can spell!), taking better photos, and organizing things into neat piles. i have a feeling this is all going to make the fisherman crazy, as much of my messes do, but i'm hoping the extra cash we might make will calm him down. i have to split the proceeds with mom, but that's okay. she was the one who got them to start with, she totally deserves it!

see?

the original.
and mine.

wizard

happy bear mug, originally uploaded by pinprick.

so i finally went and saw juno today. oh my. i loved it as much as everyone thought i would, loved it so much i cried a little at the end and right after the movie made the fisherman take me to buy yarn to make a juno scarf. she wears this cute blue and grey striped one and soon i will be wearing one too. it was just very sweet and sort of sad and funny and smart. i liked it. i liked it a lot.

i'm also loving six feet under; the first season of which i found at my local library. i'm actually there now, renting the last two discs and wondering how we're going to get the rest since i think this is all the library has. i'm going to have to pay money to rent them, and while that makes me a little bitter, not so bitter that i won't do it. that show is awesome! although sometimes i'm troubled by how much nate looks like an old college boyfriend to me; he even rolls the sleeves on his shirts the same way and carries the same big leather satchel. it unnerves me a bit.

okay, i should go home! the fisherman is probably all "where the hell did she go to get the movies?"

my immune system sucks!

awesome! day two (or two-and-a-half) of my current ailment has me feverish, coughing up things that are bright green and nasty, and a bit more dopey than normal. can i take the day off work? no. i didn't get enough hours to warrant that. i will go in, but i might not stay all day. the good news is my throat isn't as sore, but the hacking cough is pretty prominent and will make actual human contact with customers dicey. who wants to buy anything at a grocery store from a coughing, disheveled girl? i practically scream "i will infect your food! stay away!"

on the other hand, that might work out okay for me.

half windsor

half windsor, originally uploaded by pinprick.

ew, i'm getting sick. hung out with my sister earlier this week and she spent a lot of time complaining of a sore throat. i didn't pay much attention to her because it's not like we were going to make-out, but now i'm paying the price.

i found being there at the library the other day. i love that movie. peter sellers is wonderful in it, but i love shirley maclaine in it more. i have a huge soft spot for her. the fisherman thought it was kind of slow, but watched the whole thing with me. earlier tonight we were watching one of the three channels we get on our tv, and survivor was on. i admit i don't watch much reality tv (it makes me feel kind of tense and i think it's all staged anyhow). survivor in particular makes me uncomfortable. all that faux-tribal decor; the torches, the "immunity" idol, the glorified tree-houses, it all reeks of stereotyped cultural appropriation. why not brand the members of the tribes, too? pierce their lips and make them wear plates? why don't the men go ahead and wear penis sheaths and the women go topless? it's like some backwards middle-american view of africa, of indigenous peoples, of a more "primitive" and "pure" way of being. plus, it's crazy cheesy. how can anyone take the jeff prost seriously? god, if he weren't selling us pre-packaged tension and schlock he would be hocking blenders on late night television. why is this show still on tv? and better yet, why haven't they sent the fame-hungry-assholes on it to someplace fridgid? dude, send them way up north and see how they do there. i mean, parkas aren't as saucy as bikinis, but watching someone freeze to death might be good rating too.

that captain is suck a dick

i just tried to do my taxes, like i do every year, online with H&R block. usually the procedure is fast and painless, but that fucking captain sent me some mysterious tax paperwork that is just fucking me over. when i add it in, my return goes from $1200 to $300. $900 in taxes for $4000 paid? that seems extreme. i'm going to have to go to the tax ladies at the library and hope they can help. i could really use that money, too. i'm still so far behind from being fucked over this summer that $300 is kind of an insult. dammit.

also, i went to the laundromat today to wash my comforters, and guess what? while i was out hunting down more quarters a drier caught on fire. yes. FIRE. acrid, dangerous black smoke everywhere, fussy firemen, and all my clothes taking on that lovely chemical burn smell. awesome! had to wait outside in the freezing cold for the firemen to tame it, then another half hour for it to be considered safe enough to go in and get my stuff.

today kind of sucked. i could have handled the laundromat becoming dante's inferno if i'd had my camera with me, but no. enduring fire and mayhem isn't as fun when it's your stuff and you can't even take a picture! i bought some ice cream afterward, though. that was nice. we'll talk about cheese tomorrow, okay?

ouch

my head hurts a little today. haven't done anything that productive, besides shower and make a sandwich. the rockford files were on earlier, and i thoroughly enjoyed that. now i'm half-watching magnum p.i. and reading a little. i should be doing laundry and cleaning the house. ugh. remind me to hold off on the boxed wine for a while, okay?

sheee-t

i got drunk! didn't mean too, but damn. you have a long week and tell me how well you do when faced with a bottle of black cherry vodka. it's me and the forbidden zone, begging the fisherman for potato chips, and hoping i don't fall asleep first. dude. I RULE.

friendly friends

card holder, originally uploaded by pinprick.

had another cheese class today. i love my cheese classes, even though by looking you'd just see me sitting there yawning. for one, it's way too early for me. i am a woman who does not get up before 9 in the morning. and i'm feeling uncharacteristically shy; these things shut me right up. i don't want to make small talk, i want to hide in a corner and taste cheese quietly. what the fuck. i am normally a lover of the spotlight (i can admit that, i'm old enough to know it's true), and chit chatting up strangers is my strong suit. do i feel uncomfortable with the subject? no. are the folks seriously intimidating? um, no. i can't tell why i'm so uncomfortable. whatever. by the time i figure it out i'm sure i'll be okay. or not.

tomorrow i promise to have a cheese lesson all ready for you! any questions? i think tomorrow we'll talk about calcification in cheese. seriously. i am a dork!

oh holy hell

normally sunday is my thursday, but this week it's a weird friday. i'm not really sure what to do with myself! i stopped at the local grocery for something (what it was i forgot) and stumbled upon a wine sale. 25% off everything! last day! damn. i was not going to spend money, but 25% off means i can try shit i normally wouldn't. we all know i love pinks, which fancy wine folks call "rose"--accent on that e! so i found two that looked yummy, and brought them home. along with an opener, since i realized right before i came home that the only corkscrew i have is somewhere in a box in renton, stored away.

tomorrow i'm off, tuesday i go to a cheese class, then wednesday i'm off again. everyone at work was apologetic about my having a split weekend, but honest, three days not at my store feels like a vacation. tonight i drank some of my new wine, looked at job openings, made a few mental notes, took a long bath, and now i'm getting ready to make-out with the fisherman. for a random friday, i'm feeling pretty good.

boo-yah

i love my new bun-bun glass. tonight it's full of wine from a box, although even when it's full of juice or water i still love it. i've actively been trying to talk the fisherman into getting a bunny of our own. they're small, cleaner than cats, fuzzy and soft, and eat cute things. plus take a look at this video and tell me you wouldn't want to come home to a face like that? (bun bun and chou's, that is. i love dana but i don't need him in my house, thanks!) plus, i think having a rabbit doesn't actually clash with the no-pet policy of my apartment. if it lives primarily in a cage it's not the same, right?

this fisherman has been sick, which isn't so much fun. work has been very busy, what with the superbowl and all. being totally out of the football loop i had no idea what a big freaking deal it is! dude, the store has been packed for days now. i have walked the entire length of it repeatedly daily, looking for guacamole, parrafin wax, fresh watercress, and fish sauce. don't you love that you live in a land where you can find all that in one place? even when i hate my life, i still love that.

tonight we're watching arrested development and making chicken paprikash. i don't exactly have a recipe, but my sister makes it enough that i think i know what's up. at least, i hope so. after all, how can you go wrong with chicken, onion and paprika? no matter what, i think it will be good.