odds and ends and odds

i remember back in the day when i used to blog pretty much all day, every day. sure, i worked at a desk as a receptionist(a), and had more time and thought i was funnier, but sometimes i go to blog and realize it's been over a week which would have just mortified me back in the day. just saying.

work has been supremely depressing lately. lots of the C word, lots of people at the end of their lives, lots of sadness and crying and claustrophobia. there are times when i think cancer, especially, hits me hard now because of my father's passing; but i remember that even when my dad was alive, cancer patients were hard for me. not unbearable, don't mistunderstand, but it hits me in an especially tender spot. i think of the families involved, the oncology nurses, spouses and children and what they're going through. i think of the web of people involved in a single cancer case, how they're all tied together and what they might be going through. it makes me remember how it was when i went through it, how it was when dad was sick, and makes me more mindful of being kind.

there are times when i'm angry because my dad is gone and other people are recovering from cancer, or men older than my father who are far sicker come in and get better and go home. i'm not angry at them, but i feel acutely cheated. i try to remind myself that i'm being petty, which helps, but i can't help feeling like he should be here, like he shouldn't have missed my wedding or getting to know D and the kids, and also like i should be getting over this, i shouldn't hurt like this anymore and i should learn to be a grown-up without the safety net of parents. it's bad enough sometimes feeling bad, but feeling bad about feeling bad is retarded. even i know this. i definitely have days where i wish i had a mindless job, where i just went in and worked without thinking about any of this, without being reminded of it almost daily; but at the same time i like my job, and think no matter what, i'd probably be thinking about a lot of this stuff anyhow.

in lighter news, the kids are back in school! which is fantastic. we were all getting a bit sick of bumping into each other every five minutes, and as much as the kids hate to admit it, i think they were ready to see their friends and get back into some sort of routine. having them home all summer was nice, and gave me a tiny glimpse of what it might be like to be a stay-at-home mom. my kids aren't mine, and they're older, but even i can see how exhausting it could be! we also shut off the cable tv this week; our summer experiment is over, and i can honestly say that we're better off without it. with all the tv you can watch on dvd or the internet, i don't think we'll be missing out on much. sure, i'll miss coming home and watching some mindless sitcom or cartoon whenever i feel like it, but we were abusing it and not doing much else. i think we were all a lot more fun when we didn't have it, and not hearing the kids fight about who's watching what and when is a good enough reason to get rid of it. i know it sounds drastic and extreme, and i promise to never be one of those people who haughtily declares, "oh, i wouldn't know about that because we don't have tv," because you know D and i will sneak out on occasion to watch UFC fights at bars. tv is great, it's just not for us.

aside from all that, boring sad work stuff, kids in school and no more tv, there isn't much else to report. i change my mind every other day about what kind of wedding we should have, what our colors should be, and spend a lot of time trying to convince everyone that we should all wear top hats in the ceremony. one fact is certain, though, i will have a new, fancy pair of red shoes to wear. hopefully a tiny top hat as well, but that remains to be seen!