- shopgirl. this movie is icy and delicious and yet somehow is sweet at the center. he's a hapless doof in it, a perfect dark, hairy foil to steven martin. i just picked this up at the library today, and now that i have the place to myself i'm watching it. i love mirabelle's apartment in it, and it makes me miss my bobbed hair. once my bangs grow out, i will have that haircut again.
- i heart huckabees. i feel like a lot of people find this movie pretentious, and i suppose in a way it is, but i loved it anyhow. i remember the first time i rented it i watched it twice before returning it, and bought it a few days later. there are a list of films i can watch over and over again, sometimes paying attention, sometimes as background noise and this is one of them. i like albert markovski, i like his poems and the way isabelle huppert says "al-bear."
- the darljeeling limited. i have heard a lot of wes anderson fans dislike this film, but i liked it. i feel bad comparing various films directors/writers have done to each other because that seems unfair. yes, it wasn't the royal tenenbaums (which for me is my favorite wes anderson film), but it was also a different movie. it was during darjeeling that i realized that jason schwartzman looks like an ugly version of tom cruise. which is being unfair to jason, he's perfectly foxy on his own, but he's like an exaggerated version of tom. both are short, both have the long, darks bangs, both have prominent noses and eyes that crinkle up when they smile. i'll take jason over tom any day, though.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
i am tired beyond belief. i want a cocktail. i want a new place to live and a job with a boss whose mood swings don't dictate whether we have good days or shitty ones. i'm sick of her saying all sorts of shitty things to me and everyone else then laughing it off with a fake "just joking!" i hate that i don't make enough to pay my bills and i hate myself for getting into all sorts of credit card debt. i miss my stuff, still in storage and totally unpaid for. sometimes all this just feels so fucking overwhelming. all i can see are all the mistakes i made this past year and feel so ashamed. i feel ashamed feeling this bad about myself, and airing it out in public. i'm a retard. i need to just get my shit together, put on some eyeliner and stop whining. i might cry a little first, though.
Monday, April 28, 2008
my favorite day. mainly because for me monday is friday, plus on monday i get a great big order of cheese and get to spend my day fussing around my table rearranging stuff and pricing things. those are parts of my job that i actually enjoy.
got some little people this week too; technically they are for baby (and she will get them! i promise!), but i admit they make me feel cheerful and i'll keep a few. i can't wait to take some photos of them. i want to do it during the day, though, when i can use my camera without a flash and not get that grainy effect.
i made bratwurst for dinner, with loads of kraut, and am having a happy cocktail made of melon vodka and diet squirt (it's a play on my grandmother's favorite drink which was just straight up vodka and squirt). tomorrow i'm going to ride my bike around town, do some laundry, and enjoy having the day off. yay!
i thought after spending a few weeks picking strawberries as a kid in high school that i would never eat strawberries again. i was kind of right about that, i never go out of my way to eat a strawberry and in fact kind of avoid them unless they are in ice cream or milkshakes. however, at work yesterday i passed a display of organic strawberries and the scent was overwhelming. i have never smelled something so good, and i stopped right then and bought a pack. at the checkout with a friend, we eat ate one and stood there staring at each other and saying, "oh my god." best. strawberry. ever.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
so while the breakup is continuing to plod along uncomfortably i am at least happy to have quiet sleep-time back.
Monday, April 21, 2008
another good reason to love my library: they had a copy of dude, where's my car? in the dvd section. awesome!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
p.p.s. i won some! i can't wait to get them and take photos before passing some of them on to maggie.
i think the fisherman and i have had our last fight and blow-out. things were civil when i came home, but now he's in one room and i'm in the other. it's like being alone, only a lot more tense. last night during our big hurrah he told me how upset he was that i never seemed sad in front of him. i can't understand why he would think i would go to the person causing me pain with proof of it. call me small and petty, but i can't give him that satisfaction. instead of crying at him and wanting him to make it better, i went home. i went to my people. yes, it's true i retreated from him, but at that moment he felt like the enemy and i thought maybe this is indeed why domestication isn't for me. i see blogs like this and my friends happy and married with gorgeous, amazing children and want it, but can't seem to make it happen. i feel a little wistful and think, "man, that looks fun." real life, real practice with real problems and upsets and trial finds me totally faltering. there's a part of me that thinks maybe i did give up too soon with the fisherman and part of me who thinks that the clock is ticking and life isn't forever and at thirty i might very well be middle-aged and why settle? i told my mother over coffee the other day that i thought i just wasn't cut out for home-maker, that maybe i just missed the domestication gene. she thinks i'm just not in a very good domestic situation, but i wonder if she's just being kind. she is, after all, my mother and sees me in a nicer way than i see myself.
i am sad. i do feel like crying most of the time and feel horrible and shitty and ugly both inside and out. i can hardly talk about it seriously because my throat closes up and i feel so utterly ashamed that i fucked up. rationally i know this relationship disintegrated on a few different levels, but i can't help but feel like a failure, to take it personally. i just can't let him see that. i don't want to and i'm not going to.
maybe cocktails aren't the best idea.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
all i want is black hair and skin that isn't so vampiric it hurts a zombie's eyes. do i ask that much, really?
had a cheese class today. it was a make-up for the one i missed while pop was in the hospital. it was awesome; mainly because there are two ladies in my class that annoy the hell out of me and they weren't there. one of them won't shut her piehole for more than fifteen consecutive seconds, and the other one won't shut the hell up about taleggio. yes, taleggio is good. yes, it's nice and soft. yes, i am a big fan of washed rind cheeses. this lady makes me want to smother her fat face with limburger, though. i have no love for her, and it makes me cringe to listen to her. having just my teacher and one of the other fun cheese mongers there was way more fun. i got to try a new cheese from satrtori, called bellavitano. i liked it enough i brought a little chunk of it home. we ate a bit of swiss as well, and my suspicions about how awesome cave-aged gruyere would be were confirmed. i've been working sort of haphazardly on a cheese blog, figuring out recipes and stuff, mainly for my own edification since there are a million internet sources about cheese. ooh, and i got to taste sbrinz. aw, shit. like i needed another cheese to love. boy howdy is it good. it has this gorgeous, fresh, green smell like young swiss and salty crystals like parmigiano reggiano. for a cheese as old as it is, it really doesn't taste it. the flavors are pronounced and yet subtle at the same time. it's a lot less salty than regular parm, and impossibly silky. if i could, i would totally eat a pound of it right now.
ah, cheese. i do love it. although the last time i went to see my doctor he wanted to talk about my cholesterol. evidently i don't have a tumor causing my buffalo hump, and my cortisol levels are either making me fat or the fat is raising my cortisol levels. chicken and egg! in short, he thinks my numbers are too high, both in cholesterol and weight. he wants me to lose twenty pounds and call him in the morning. as part of this plan, i am eating oatmeal for breakfast and trying to cut down on the cheesey goodness. and by "cut down" i mean less crackers and more veggies. although you can't blame a girl in my situation for loving the cheese sandwiches. this is the sort of home life that sends a chub scout right to comfort foods. it's okay, really. i am indulging in small ways and trying to watch what i eat while riding my bike more, but i'm not going all annie anorexic on you. promise.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
what bothers me the most right now is his reaction to me being angry. if i get mad about something legitimate, instead of being sorry or even confused, he just gets mad right back. i can't talk to him, because he storms off, i think to make up stories or excuses, although i don't know for sure. i'm sick to death of having to explain to him why i'm upset, how it's a normal response, and why what he does doesn't help any. maybe we could have worked this out, but when i came home and confronted him about the personal ad he shrugged and said, "i'm sorry your friends found it." then yesterday he digs into that wound a bit more by saying "oh yeah, your 'friends;' what awesome friends to tell everyone first then you. you have great 'friends." and at first i was so fucking angry and then i realized shit! yes, those people might not be my friends so much, i might not want to hang out with them anymore, but wasn't he just deflecting blame? i mean, yeah, what they did was lame and shit but they weren't my boyfriend looking for an internet girlfriend. what he did trumps what they did. and then when we tried to talk later and i called him out on being a dick while i was at my folks recently and he pouted and said that he'd had plans for the weekend for us but then i just up and left. um, yes. i did just up and leave because my dad was in the hospital. i wasn't on fucking vacation and how big a baby do you have to be to begrudge a girl for spending time with her sick pop and not you? jesus.
this is fucked up, right? i mean, i know it is, but he's always trying to make me feel like i'm crazy. what it all boils down to is that even if i love him, our relationship is not working. it's not going to work, we have too many things not in common and that work against us. i don't want to grow up and marry him. i don't want to have kids with him. and really, does it matter why i'm not feeling it? i'm not. i don't have to do this anymore if i don't want to, and while that may hurt his feelings i'm not going to stick around just so things can be hunky-dory for him.
this sucks. this is why i've never shacked up before! i was right! the break-up part of it is miserable.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
yeah, so it was lovely. i got home, got changed real quick and headed out with my red grocery sack and rode all over town. the air was fresh and clean, heavy with the scent of green things growing and grass being cut. i rode down to the marina because a day without seeing pretty boats seems wasted, and it was low tide and all sorts of cool birds were out. i was so happy, i'm sure if you'd seen me riding around i would have been grinning like a goofball and swerving from side to side, alternately peddling super hard and then lazing back and coasting. i forgot how much fun the whole "stand up and pedal fast!" thing could be. i was all giggly by the time i hit the port, and i sat and watched the sun go down a bit before heading to the grocery store to pick up some veggies.
a goofy and nerdy thing to note: riding your bike to the grocery store and doing your shopping is super fun. i don't know why, but it feels a million times more productive than just driving down there. i have a bike rack thingie, and it's great for getting stuff around without wearing a backpack, but it only holds so much. i don't think i could balance a case of beer back there safely.
i'm tired and happy now, having made a delicious stir fry when i got home. i have a little cup of rice pudding to enjoy as well, and i think i might need to go dive into that. it was a good day. i love my bike.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
watched the most recent version of day of the dead tonight. a few thoughts: one, mena suvari? really? can she not get any other work or does she love the zombie oeuvre so much she had to be a part of it? two: running zombies are super scary. shambling ones are scary and sneaky, but running and jumping and fast zombies i don't like. however, the fact that they run like 'tards is amusing. three: i'm glad they still make zombie movies, and will gladly watch any they make, however, i don't think this one was as good as the original. true, they were very different, but then why remake it? why not just make another new zombie movie? and four: i kind of want to have a little boy and name him romero. is that too mean? i mean, it's better than my plan to name a baby "hobo" and then we can call him "bo." or "hobart," and we can call him "bart." if i name a boy romero we can call him romy. how cool would a twelve year old boy named after george a. romero be?! this is maybe why my sister thinks i shouldn't actually be allowed to breed.
Monday, April 07, 2008
i built a terrarium! i saw it on a blog and it looked awesome, so had to make one. i'd almost forgotten how satisfying it is to make something. i also bought a def leppard and motley crue shirt, cleaned the crap out my car, and cultivated a wicked headache. mostly good times. you know, except for the headache part.
- get a cute picture frame for an equally cute photo of my maggie macaroni.
- buy a small amount of potting soil.
- should i really invest in plants when i don't know where i'm going to be living past next month?
- pay my credit card.
- wander around a thrift store, hoping to find old buttons.
- wander around a craft store.
- see how big i can make my hair (dude, in two weeks it has grown and i woke up this morning with a weird, straight afro thing going on. kind of exciting.).
- go look at that damn gym that has the cheap sign-up fee and no contract. i won't like it, but i will lose twenty pounds, dammit.
- drink more coffee.
- laundry? maybe that can wait for tomorrow.
- clean out my car. it's gross in there, full of miscellany and trash and napkins.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
work was actually a good idea today. something about pretending to be happy and personable all day kind of rubbed off on me, and now that i'm home waiting for more backlash and fighting and trying to figure out who sleeps where and blah blah blah i actually feel okay. not thrilled, but tired of fighting and crying and feeling like an ugly old hag*. i can't do much of anything at this point that isn't just damage control, and it's unavoidable. at the end of my shift i thought about coming home, packing, and then going straight to my folks, but one way or another i'm going to have to deal with all this.
i know shutting the comments off on the last few posts is kind of a dick move, but while i need to get this all off my chest, think it through and write it out, i'm not sure i can handle a lot of actual discussion about it. plus, if any of you said something nice i might end up crying all over my keyboard (which, by the way, would be an AWESOME country song). now that everyone at work knows (and i mean everyone; people i hardly know are offering condolences and advice!), that's all they want to talk about and i think i've had enough talk therapy for a while. some of them mean it nicely and are genuinely concerned, and some are vultures about it. to those in the latter camp i just smile and say "i don't want to talk about it." at the end of the day i still talk about it more than i want to, and it's nice to know that people care but it makes me sad to have to keep thinking about it.
*it's been a while since i felt like such a loser. like i never thought i was the prettiest or foxiest girl i knew, but i never felt so small and gross. i know it's irrational and it will pass, but this sort of situation isn't really a friend to the old self esteem.
he never came home. why call and tell me you're going to be out for a few hours and then NOT COME HOME AT ALL? did i miss the memo? is this really how you act when you're trying to work shit out with your girlfriend? fuckity fuck fuck. is he just trying to see how much he can humiliate me before i cry in front of him?
i'm angry, feel like a chump, and also a little worried that maybe he got into some trouble last night. in short, i am a mess. remind me of all this when i'm crying about how my cats don't understand me, because then i'll remember the alternative.
Friday, April 04, 2008
i can't prove that he did anything on the side, or even think he engaged in any real-world extracurricular activities, but i don't want to wait for that to happen. we've had some issues, like most couples do, but i was sort of waiting for them to smooth out. let's face it, we are at a point in our relationship when things maybe aren't super fun and exciting, otherwise known as "real life" and while the honeymoon bloom might be off the rose, i don't think that means we're doing badly. or were, i guess. for him, it was a reason for major freaking out. or it could have been an excuse to start a fight. who knows.
in the end, i still think he's a good man who tried hard, but it wasn't (isn't) enough. i'm sad, honestly, it's just that with all other crap going on i'm a bit cried out. i think that makes him feel like i'm a cold-stone bitch, but i'm tired of thinking of him constantly. the one thing he never understood is how i wasn't looking to make him the center of my life. i love him, but i don't expect him to fulfill all my emotional needs, and i don't think couples joined at the hip are particularly healthy. i need too much of my own space, even if that space is mainly in my head, for his comfort. in that regards i failed miserably as a girlfriend. however, i do get more points for effort since i never posted an on-line personal ad. enough said.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
just barely, but we did. maggie went back to preschool today, mom spent the day in bed dying, and pop went home. for everyone but mom it was a good day. poor mom! she wouldn't let me take care of her much, she didn't want me to catch whatever it is they all have. tonight she has to sleep in the sewing room to make sure she doesn't re-infect pop. i wish i could have been more help for her.
dad is feeling better, although the main reason they sent him home is lack of beds. i have to admit, not to brag too much, that pop had the most visitors of anyone in the CCU. i think if they had to send someone home, it was him just 'cause they know how fawned over he is. my pop isn't always the charmingest of guys, but he is loved. as irritated as he might make us, he is ours and we are protective. i think he never spent more than a few hours alone at the hospital, and the nurses were pretty much totally in love with him. even skinny he is a handsome man.
the fisherman and i rode our bikes to a local thai place tonight for dinner, which was fun. i feel less bad about eating out if i ride around to get there. i would have talked him into a long ride after if i'd had my gloves with me; it was sunny but cold and i wanted to be home. we watched the mist when we got back and i had a few glasses of box wine, meaning i am now scared and spooked and a leetle tipsy.
i go back to work tomorrow, then on friday i take the post office worker test. if i could get a job at the post office i would scream with delight. right now i'm just aiming at something at another store, with another company, but a government job would be awesome. those kids have great benefits.
p.s. the mist was AWESOME. easily my favorite scary movie this year. creepy and suspenseful and sad, with a heavy dose of human frailty along with scary monsters. the best monsters are ones in our head, and stephen king and the director knows that.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
it's hard to see pop in the hospital. i hated radiation therapy, but this i hate a million times more. for one thing, when did he get so damn skinny? he's got the twiggiest arms. he's also crazy pale, which is quite a feat considering how brown he is. i just saw him a few weeks ago (if even that long) at easter, and thought he looked pretty good. still thinner than i like but healthy and getting better. his hospital gown is massive, he just swims in it, and he's full of tubes and needles which is disquieting. i know he hates it in there too, which makes it worse. he's hooked up to a million different monitors, and i've noticed every time i visit someone comes in to check up on him every half hour. i suppose they call it "critical care" for a reason, but man. it's tough to see. when i'm with him i feel okay; we watch tv, i knit, he tells random stories and we chit chat, but the second i leave i have to try really hard not to burst into tears.
this was all brought on by the flu, but what i found out after i got here was that he was feeling so shitty he actually decided to go the emergency room. dad has to feel seriously, painfully bad for that to happen. when he got in and they checked his blood pressure it was only 60 (!) and the nurse was all, "you walked in?!" so they admitted him immediately, found that not only was his blood pressure dangerously low but he was also dehydrated and had a serious lung infection. the good news is his blood pressure is up enough to take him off the meds, he's full of fluids so they removed his IV, but his lungs are still bad so he's in the CCU (critical care unit) until at least tomorrow, and then they might move him into the general population.
mom's stressed out about all of this, but so sick she can't really hang out at the hospital. they're worried about her re-infecting dad, plus she kind of needs to get some sleep and drink fluids herself. my sister was on vacation until today, and to be perfectly frank she came home and pissed me off within five seconds of walking in the door. the mood in the house is tense, to say the least. instead of thanking me for, you know, watching her sick kid, she started bitching about how the house was a mess. it was, i don't deny it, but i also don't have a lot of experience with taking care of feverish two-year-olds, and was too busy making sure the baby was okay to really think of vacuuming. plus, we spent a ton of time in the living room playing so no wonder it was a bit messy. in a way i just feel totally used, and annoyed that i'm so irritated with her. i did come home to take care of mom and baby, and to see pop and keep him company, not to further some campaign to make myself into the "good kid"--i'm just doing what needs to be done and trying to help out, so i shouldn't feel like i need some sort of recognition for doing what feels like the right thing to do. i just don't want to get nitpicked for how i do it is all.
shit man, if i could get a little drunk right now i would. sorry for the bitching.
when maggie is sick she pretty much stops talking and grunts and points instead. it's delightful. and i mean that in the most sarcastic way ever. she's got the flu and an ear infection, making her one unhappy and demanding baby.
mom's also got whatever it is she brought home, and yesterday afternoon she handed me baby and went to bed, only to wake up this morning. i spent the first part of the afternoon with dad at the hospital, where he was in a pretty chipper mood considering he felt like shit and couldn't sleep. he's actually sort of funny when sleep-deprived, but as much as he loves me he wanted mom. the thing about being mom is that she's the only one we want when we are sick, making it hard to be her some days. maggie is okay with my undivided attention, though, because she's still young. if her mom doesn't get home soon i'm going to be irritated, though, because i don't know how much more grunting i can stand. oh god, the GRUNTING. the cuddly part of her being sick is sort of cute, but i wish she'd stop making that awful monster noise.
this might make me sterile. i'm here for another two days, until everyone is back on their feet and the grunting stops.