grey hairs

i think ed is trying to make me crazy. i think all of this is a pretty calculated effort to make my last month in anacortes a protracted, painful experience. guess who stopped by this morning? the electric company. guess which bill didn't get paid? i just called and talked to them on the phone, and they were beyond nice and wonderful, but there goes another $200 that i did not have to spend. for a few minutes i tried to figure out how i could live without electricity, but then i came to my senses.

never never never again am i shacking up without a ring and a background check. especially the background check.

overshare

i have been emailing ed to try to find out where the money is, and whether or not he actually sent it. i doubt he did, but he insists that he did and he has the number of the money order, blah blah blah. of course our emails are shitty, although i am trying to be civil. he isn't, and sends me nothing but one sentence answers that don't actually answer anything, and are sarcastic in nature. consider the following:

Me: "what storage unit?"
him: "the storage unit i put my stuff in?"

okay. if over $600 weren't involved in this, i would just give up.

fuck it, i'm going to anyhow. yes, it will leave me broke and miserable, but whatever. i'd rather be broke and freaked out on my own than deal with his asshole shenanigans anymore. this is getting me all riled up.

more stuff i won't miss

• random cans of malt liquor hanging around. some in the fridge, some open cans in the bathroom, wherever. i'm trying to choke one down due to a long and lousy day at work, but 211 steel reserve is shitty. i've been sort of craving mickey's lately and thought, "well, this is here" but i think even mickey's is better than this crap. shudder.
  
• chew bottles! oh dear sweet baby jesus there is nothing grosser than finding a bottle full of chew spit. he'd try to hide them out of the way so i wouldn't find them, but i always did. the fact is, a bottle filled with spit is pretty fucking gross, and because i have such an aversion to them i was naturally drawn to them. it's like heisenberg's principle* or something.
  
• anyone taking my car without first asking to borrow it. that should be a given right? but it wasn't. in fact, every time i made a point to tell him how much it bothered me he treated me like an over-protective spaz and asshole, but i think it's just polite. i never borrowed anything without asking, and a car is like a big thing. it's not like i would have ever said no, except you know when he wanted to drive a block away and i was low on gas (then i would have, and i don't think that's too shitty a thing to do!).
• ed saying something or other was "extreme." dude, that saying is so 1995. i should know.
  

i'm still sort of uncertain about what is going to happen next month. so far my landlord has been pretty understanding, but i don't think i can afford next month's rent. unless he gives me the deposit; in which case i might be able to finagle it. i owe him another $330, i got paid today so he gets it tomorrow. i hunted down ed through email; he says he sent the rent in and it must be a mistake, i say i'll believe him when he shows me some proof, like a receipt for the money order he claims to have gotten. it's a shitty situation, but it could be worse so right now i'm trying to just focus on the good stuff; a nice, summery crush, a good dinner, a little extra summer sun. it's easy to feel bad for myself and do the whole "woe is me" but that's not going to help. i'm just going to have to tighten my belt buckle and do some serious budgeting, rely on the kindness of friends, family, strangers and acquaintances and roll with the punches. what else can i do? i'd love to spend a few days in bed crying and drinking and watching sad movies, but i have bills to pay and who needs the headache?

*like i know anything about that. i don't even know what it's about, but i like the name of it!

ps. this post over at barrett's blog made me happy. i am totally not a creep and am indeed myself. maybe i'm okay after all.

first things first:

the spackling job ed did on the hole he made in the wall is super shitty. i mean, maggie could have done a better job with some play-dough and spit. also, remember that big clock he bought me for christmas? he took it and hung up my "bite me" embroidery in its place. i know that's supposed to be a great big "fuck you" but dude, what the hell is he going to do with the big clock? that fucker is three feet tall. is he taking it with him to alaska? did he just throw it away? i'm confused. why not just leave me a literal "fuck you" note? whatever. what he didn't leave was any money for rent next month, or his key, so tomorrow i call the landlord and explain what happened. there's a chance they can take the rent out of his deposit and give me a months reprieve, or i can just scramble for the cash or give my notice now and pay for maybe half of next month. he left the tv and his ps2, though, and i'll probably sell those if i need the money. the ps2 for sure is going, i don't play video games and a cheap dvd player is, well, cheaper. i bought my last one for under $30. not to mention i actually one of those in storage.

i was nervous driving home today. i got a message this morning on my cell phone from his employers in alaska wanting to talk to him about his ticket back, which evidently leaves tomorrow. but i don't believe anything anymore so i was waiting to make sure he really wasn't (isn't) here. the thought of him still being here freaked me out, but i had to see. as much as i would like, i can't hide out on the island forever.

who knows what's going to happen next. i'm broke from paying bills and getting caught up on ridiculous shit (like my storage unit fees!) and wanting to save what little i do have left. so i guess i'm not broke so much as right now i am in a hyper-saving mode, and trying to make every little penny work in my favor. this is requiring some math skills i didn't know i possessed. i need to find a new home, obviously, and it really would be good to find a new job that pays me more and you know, maybe uses the education i'm pissing away. it's hard not to just want to curl up and feel sorry for myself, honestly. i'd like to do some serious drinking and steal some of pop's pain pills and take a little mental vacation, but i'm not going to. if this is the worst-case scenario, it's actually pretty okay. i mean, i still have family who will help out, i still have friends who are nice to me and love me, and for at least a few weeks i have the place all to myself. i might cry a little and feel lousy, but i'll also go to work and figure shit out.

less bitter?

maybe. i got some yelling out of my system this morning and that felt great. although afterward i was all tense and spastic, and ended up at work an hour early. nothing says "early morning fight with the now-totally-official-ex" like showing up that early. i hid out in my car, reading the book i was smart enough to grab and having a cup of coffee. good times.

work was actually a good idea today. something about pretending to be happy and personable all day kind of rubbed off on me, and now that i'm home waiting for more backlash and fighting and trying to figure out who sleeps where and blah blah blah i actually feel okay. not thrilled, but tired of fighting and crying and feeling like an ugly old hag*. i can't do much of anything at this point that isn't just damage control, and it's unavoidable. at the end of my shift i thought about coming home, packing, and then going straight to my folks, but one way or another i'm going to have to deal with all this.

i know shutting the comments off on the last few posts is kind of a dick move, but while i need to get this all off my chest, think it through and write it out, i'm not sure i can handle a lot of actual discussion about it. plus, if any of you said something nice i might end up crying all over my keyboard (which, by the way, would be an AWESOME country song). now that everyone at work knows (and i mean everyone; people i hardly know are offering condolences and advice!), that's all they want to talk about and i think i've had enough talk therapy for a while. some of them mean it nicely and are genuinely concerned, and some are vultures about it. to those in the latter camp i just smile and say "i don't want to talk about it." at the end of the day i still talk about it more than i want to, and it's nice to know that people care but it makes me sad to have to keep thinking about it.

*it's been a while since i felt like such a loser. like i never thought i was the prettiest or foxiest girl i knew, but i never felt so small and gross. i know it's irrational and it will pass, but this sort of situation isn't really a friend to the old self esteem.

what the f?

yesterday i guess the fisherman decided to play the denail game; taking me out to breakfast, buying me flowers, wanting to talk. truth be told, i was confused but it was also kind of a nice day. i mean, in a weird and fucked up way, we are in this together and making it nice rather than nasty seems reasonable and commendable. right? fuck. i don't know. he calls me last night from work and is all chit-chatty and wanting to talk about his day, then he calls later when he's off work saying he's going out for a few hours with his friends. okay. i have to work today, i stayed home.

he never came home. why call and tell me you're going to be out for a few hours and then NOT COME HOME AT ALL? did i miss the memo? is this really how you act when you're trying to work shit out with your girlfriend? fuckity fuck fuck. is he just trying to see how much he can humiliate me before i cry in front of him?

i'm angry, feel like a chump, and also a little worried that maybe he got into some trouble last night. in short, i am a mess. remind me of all this when i'm crying about how my cats don't understand me, because then i'll remember the alternative.

like a bandaid, rip it off!

um, so i'm single again. of course, still living with my boyfriend, but not as his girlfriend. i guess when it rains it pours, even if it is raining shit. a girl at work uses yahoo personals, and the fisherman's profile came up as one of her matches the other day. sweet. she told everyone at work, including me, which led to one very sad, very long, very humiliating day of work. his response to it was, "i'm sorry your friends found it." not, "i'm sorry i did it," or even "i'm sorry i hurt your feelings by internet shopping for a new girl," but "sorry your friends found it, suckah!"

i can't prove that he did anything on the side, or even think he engaged in any real-world extracurricular activities, but i don't want to wait for that to happen. we've had some issues, like most couples do, but i was sort of waiting for them to smooth out. let's face it, we are at a point in our relationship when things maybe aren't super fun and exciting, otherwise known as "real life" and while the honeymoon bloom might be off the rose, i don't think that means we're doing badly. or were, i guess. for him, it was a reason for major freaking out. or it could have been an excuse to start a fight. who knows.

in the end, i still think he's a good man who tried hard, but it wasn't (isn't) enough. i'm sad, honestly, it's just that with all other crap going on i'm a bit cried out. i think that makes him feel like i'm a cold-stone bitch, but i'm tired of thinking of him constantly. the one thing he never understood is how i wasn't looking to make him the center of my life. i love him, but i don't expect him to fulfill all my emotional needs, and i don't think couples joined at the hip are particularly healthy. i need too much of my own space, even if that space is mainly in my head, for his comfort. in that regards i failed miserably as a girlfriend. however, i do get more points for effort since i never posted an on-line personal ad. enough said.

merry christmas kids!

no fancy cards this year, no tree, not even a good christmas photo to post. it's been great so far, though. the fisherman was going to go to montana, but his plans fell through so i get to have him here for the holiday. our apartment is still very sparsely furnished (two camp chairs and an air mattress, jealous?) but it is still ours. we might not have much but nothing is in hock, bills are getting paid, and i get to go home at night and make-out with my favorite boy. things are good.

watching my niece spazz out on presents and hear her seriously intone "ho ho ho" when you ask her what santa says is pretty fucking awesome. there is plenty of delicious food at my folks and i can do my laundry here for free! i am getting some presents which makes me feel grateful because honestly, this year i just couldn't afford them. my job is still fun, and i'm getting more hours, so no complaints there. well, some complaints, but mostly petty ones about people being assholes in public.

we still have no internet, but i just got a library card and they have it there. i promise to post more soon, and even include some photos. i hope you guys have a merry christmas and all that jazz! kwanza! late hanukkah! new year! happy holidays to everyone, and to everyone a good night.

sleep-deprived

work is going well. it's tough work sometimes, but i like that i'm up-up-up and the day goes by quickly. the other women i work with seem to be fun, but as usual i'm sort of a spaz this first week. learning all this new stuff, combined with the long hours and the hours a day spent in my car means i'm kind of over-thinking things and not sleeping so great. i'm not complaining! any new period of adjustment makes me like this, but i do really enjoy the job and even though my uniform makes me look 500 lbs heavier than i am (i look like a square woman) i think i'm going to be happy doing this. every day i have some interesting conversation with someone about meat (the difference between pastrami and corned beef) and that makes it all worthwhile. i have to say though, the worst thing about the job is that i don't get to see baby as much. weird how much i miss her now that i'm out all day carving meat and scooping potato salad out of giant vats.

my fisherman is home in homer, which excites me because i've talked to him two times in as many days. talking to him on the phone rules. in his line of work phone calls are few and far between, and while they're all nice to get, when you get to talk to someone more often you can talk about all the stupid little things you're thinking about. i wouldn't want to spend a lot of time telling him about some stuff if i know i'm only going to get ten minutes of time with him that month, you know? now i get to ramble at him about how i wear a vest at work, and dude? who thought of vests? they are not cool.

okay, you're bored. i know i am. i have to get ready for work and hopefully i'll have more interesting things to tell you later this week. ooh, i got a haircut. i'll take a photo and post it later. you can all debate whether or not it makes my face look a full moon.