Wednesday, December 31, 2008

happy new year's!

i'm going to my newly-minted boyfriend's house to ring in the new year with him and his kids. we are going to make party hats and have cocktails and mocktails and bang on pot and pats at the stroke of midnight. i hope you all have an awesome night, and get to kiss someone foxy at midnight!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

a little old gregg



the kids introduced me to old gregg this weekend. i'm not familiar with the mighty boosh, and am not sure if this clip is how it looked on tv, but goddamn if it didn't totally crack me up. the man's ringtone is "i'm old gregg!" and we yell it at each other all the time.

happy happy, joy joy

a rare night at home! well, it's been rare lately. i needed to spend some time with lulu, who showed her disapproval at my spending time at another house with another cat (puddin) by scratching me and trying to claw the couch, but once she saw i was home for the night she settled right into my lap on the couch for a quick nap. oh boy, it was a good nap. i also need to do stuff like paint my toes, work on my eyebrows, do some laundry, and a million other things i can't do at his house. you know, like daydream about him and draw stupid comics.

this morning my man made me breakfast, which included biscuits and gravy with home-made biscuits. it wasn't even bisquick! that he's such a good cook totally makes me hot. it's also fun to sit and talk about weird food things with him, look through issues of cook's illustrated, and have him show me how to do kitchen stuff. he walks through the kitchen with a towel thrown over one shoulder, flipping stuff in pans one-handed, and it makes me swoon a little. you should see him in his chef's pants, too. good stuff.

this is my last week full-time at the grocery store. moving out of cheese will be a little sad for me, i'll admit. i love my co-workers (most of them, except for the brood of angry old deli harridans who love to talk shit!) and will be sad to not be able to show people the difference between cilantro and parsley. i get to interact with a lot of different people and a lot of different ingredients, and that's been fun. my boss seems genuinely sad to see me go; she even got a bit teary eyed yesterday, which makes me sad. it's been a good time, and i would have never met so many of my friends (or my new guy) without this job, so i'll always be thankful for that. i saw my customer that got me my new job tonight too, and that was awesome. he got the biggest hug i could give, and promises for cocktails. i can't wait to get started, the job sounds fun and interesting and i know it sounds shallow, but my god! the money! sure, most of it will go right out to bills, but i'd rather that than being the deadbeat i am now.

that's all that's going on! when i finish a comic, i'll show you.

Friday, December 26, 2008

fuck yeah!

i got the new job! whooooo! it came as a total surprise; first i'd sent in my application and resume only to have it get lost. then i finally got it all in, and didn't hear back from anyone. then i got a phone call from the guy who will be my main boss, and while i thought we had a nice chat i didn't think it would lead to anything but an actual, face-to-face interview. the other day i got an email telling me some paperwork was on it's way, and i assumed it was your standard, "this is what we do here" kind of stuff, so when it showed up on christmas eve i ignored it at first. impulsively, on my way out of the house i grabbed it thinking i could read it at home. i forgot all about it until mom asked if i'd heard anything else from them and i said, "oh i got some stuff in the mail, let's see what it is." what was it? an offer letter. AN OFFER. i haven't even met any of these people! i am so crazy excited. it was pretty much the perfect christmas present.

i'm not exactly sure what my job will entail, but i know i'll be working for a place that does MRI's as your basic receptionist. official i'm a "patient coordinator" but what that means is setting up appointment, doing some filing, helping get people ready for the test, and doing some driving. all of which i think i'm totally going to be fine at.

new job, new man*, new year right around the corner; i'm feeling pretty good about myself. christmas was awesome as well, and tonight i get to subject my pointy chin to more kissing, which is like icing on the cake. if i could give myself a high five, i totally would!

*srsly. i'm crazy about this man. that's enough gush for today.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

i have to make his quick

because i'm supposed to be packing up and driving to my folk's house, right this second!

the date, it was awesome. it was better than awesome. it was pretty fantastic. in real life, outside of my store, he is just as cute and funny and smart as i thought he would be. he's a great cook, he's easy to be around, and while my stomach jumps up to my throat every time i see him, he's comfortable. my chin is rubbed all raw and pink from the making out*, but i'm sure when my new chin grows in it will be lovely. he's pretty much the best kisser ever. for me this is a HUGE deal. kissing is a deal maker or breaker for me. bad kissing is something i can't remedy because i have zero patience, and it's something i cannot live with. the fact that i can spend hours sucking face or talking to this guy bodes well, as far as i'm concerned.

we had a chaperoned date last night, where i came over and we hung out with the kids. he told me today that they both seemed to really like me, and that right now i'm the "belle of the ball" at the house. that totally made me laugh and blush. i've never dated a guy with kids this old (14 and 10) and i wasn't sure how it would go. i just decided to pretend it wasn't nerve-wracking and we ended up having a really good time. like their dad, they're easy going and smart, and we talked all night about arrested development, stupid movies and fun board games. they played their nintendo DS's, we talked on the couch and they quietly eavesdropped at time. they get along well, and it was funny to look over and see them like two peas in a pod, watching us and making up their minds about me. i'm glad they like me so far, i can't imagine how difficult it would be to keep seeing this guy if they didn't!

it feels really good. who knows where it will all end up, and i suppose i might regret telling you how dreamy he is and how awesome his kids are and how he drinks wine out of jelly jars just like me and how i'm sure that's a sign, and that he built his own amazing loft bed called "the fort" and how when i leave his house he stands outside in the cold waiting to wave me goodbye and make sure i make it out. it's early, and early should feel good, but this feels criminal.

he's like the best christmas present i didn't ask for.

i hope you all have a merry holiday, and eat way to much and have people you love nearby to kiss and hug and shower with affection! i'm going to go enjoy my family and send surreptitious text messages to my new man, and think about kissing some more and open some presents. hooray!

*i have a chin that doesn't looks as pointy as it is, and somehow it always gets crazy chapped the first time i make out with a guy who doesn't have baby smooth skin. it revolts when it gets near whiskers for the first time in a while, and i just know my mom's going to make "rudolph the red chinned reindeer" jokes all day christmas. shit, i'll probably start making them myself.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

a date!


i haz it!

i admit, i did a bit of stalking this afternoon after finishing up my christmas shopping. i talked my roommate into going by a certain big chain restaurant when i knew grocery-boy was working. i was a nervous wreck on our way there, because i wasn't sure if he would be pleased to see me or annoyed. i mean, work isn't always the funnest place, and having people drop by unannounced can be fun or it can be irritating. you have a 50/50 chance, and i didn't want it to freak him out or upset his day.

long story short, when i finally got his attention with a "psst!" and a wink*, he seemed happy to see me. he asked what i was doing, and i said, "um, i told you i was going to stalk you." he laughed and said, "finally!" then he laughed and said it again and then i really wanted to kiss him right then and there.

the party for tomorrow night has been postponed due to inclement weather. i asked him if he'd still like to do something this week and he said he would love to. we both work quite a bit up until christmas, and after going through our schedules we realized that tomorrow is still the best night to hang out. the good news is that a) i still get to see him and b) i don't have to drag my sister to a party where she doesn't know anyone. bonus round: c) i get a little more one-on-one time with him, instead of having to deal with the anxiety of getting to know him as well as all his friends. we all know i'm a nervous nelly; the less nerves for me the better.

this might all crash and burn, and it might do so in a spectacular way. i won't lie and say i feel nonchalant about this date: i'm pretty fucking stoked. he seems super nice, very easy to talk to and get along with, and he has the kind of dimples you can drive a car into. i want to bite him. i want to pin him down and see if he tastes as good as he looks. i want to know more about him, and i want to know it now. even if it's all for naught, this feeling of excitement, of the unknown, of sparkling anticipation is worth it. this is the feeling that we all try to bottle and save for later. this is the rush we chase and why we keep going out with people even if 99% of the time we're left in a situation that either hurts us or is completely unimpressive or uninspiring. this feels good. not as good as it's going to feel when i get my hands on him, though, i hope.

*i didn't realize i winked. i never do it intentionally, because when i try, it looks retarded. however, i tend to do it when i'm not thinking about it consciously, and my roommate totally caught it. i wasn't trying to be sassy! i swear!

p.s. i looked all over the internets for the j. mascis version of this song, which is the one i prefer. if you want to hear that, go check out martin + me. thanks!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

it's going to be a very gabba christmas for maggie!


i just learned that maggie is totally into yo gabba gabba; which thrills me because honestly, i dig it too. tonight i bought her a brobee doll, a video, and a little muno and car. since then, i can't get there's a party in my tummy out of my head. so go watch the video! even if you don't have kids, you'll probably get a laugh out of it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

everyone weigh in on this one!

ahem. dating is complicated business, and since i've lifted my "don't ask, don't tell" policy, i find i really enjoy talking about it with you. even if my dates are failures, i kind of like documenting it here. that could be slight masochism on my part, but i like to think it's because that's just how close we are, and how i do enjoy hearing how my experiences aren't as unusual as i might think. in any case, take a look over some of these facts and then fill me in on what you think it all means.

  1. i've been flirty with a customer on and off over the past year, but the past few weeks i really turned it up. what changed? i saw him without his hat, and realized that he has a gorgeous head of hair underneath. shallow? sure. it's not as though he would be un-handsome without hair, but i had to be sure if he was bald that he was good bald.* since he's not bald at all, it's not an issue.
  2. we finally established a first-name rapport. talked more about his work, mine, and other stuff.
  3. this monday he came in while i working and went out of his way to get a coworker of mine to fetch me from dishes.
  4. he asked me to a party, being held this next monday.
  5. i gave him my number and we flirted a bit more.
  6. i didn't hear from him until today, but he was extremely apologetic at the very first, and let me know that he'd misplaced my card. he even let it drop that his kids gave him a hard time about losing it. then he admitted he came by work looking for me to get it again, but i wasn't there and he didn't want me to think he was "stalking" me.
  7. we had a nice chat and i realized that this party he asked me to is a party he's throwing; for himself and his roommate's birthdays and the solstice.
  8. we established that he is a bit older than i am (he'll be 38 this week) but that he isn't nearly as much older than me as he thought. he told me he thought i was 23 or 24, which i totally don't believe. 26 at the youngest!
  9. he told me he was looking forward to seeing me, and having some actual time to talk.
  10. then he called back and told me i was free to bring a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc.
  11. this made me furrow my brow a bit.
  12. i told him exactly this; "i won't be bringing a boyfriend, i can tell you that."
i'm fairly sure he was testing the waters, to see if i am indeed single, but really, why would i accept a party invitation from a man i don't know that well if i weren't interested in him? and would a man with a girlfriend ask another girl to his birthday party? i mean, it's conceviable. was i too forward? am i over thinking all of this? (of course i am, don't answer that!) he's just, really, seriously cute. with bright blue eyes that crinkle at the edges, and dark dark hair, and a lovely smile. he's unfailingly polite and nice when he's at work, and he has two really gorgeous kids that he seems super close to. i like him. i feel butterflies when i see him, and when he came in the other night to ask me out, i blushed bright red. i think he wants to make-out with me, but i don't want to show up to his party to find that he's got a girl already. at the same time, bringing a friend to his party would be advantageous to me, because then i have someone else to suss him out with. plus, i'll need someone to snark with. i'm trying to rope my sister into coming with me, with promises that i'll buy the liquor.

being nervous like this, waiting for the call, not knowing; it's all excruciating and wonderful. the imaginary part of wondering what he's like, daydreaming about what i think might be in store, is fun. how can something so awful and uncertain be so delicious? there's always a better chance of being disappointed than being thrilled, but you never know unless you try. i hate myself when things don't work, i feel foolish and silly, but after a while i realize that's jut how this particular game is played, and ultimately i'm proud of myself for not giving up. spinsterhood would be easy, getting back on the horse is hard.

so what do you think? this is perfectly normal, yes? the worry, the butterflies, the uncertainty. do you think he likes me? don't make me come over there and pull off your petals. i'll do it!



*bad bald= men who don't get that they are balding and hold on too tightly to the hair on the back of their head. longish hair in back, bald on top, not cool.

**also, i wrote this under the influence of real, honest to goodness sudafed. which makes me slightly retarded. i'm going to go paint magic mushrooms now!

bleh

snow days should be good days, but instead i got trapped in a house full of kids that aren't mine and a sinus headache from hell. currently i'm on a lot of sudafed, feeling high, and wishing the snow would stop so i could be alone.

i doubt that's going to happen though! tomorrow i go back to work, probably until christmas eve, and at some point tomorrow i have to put chains on my car tires. that should be interesting, to say the least.

i feel strangely homesick and nostalgic, but i blame that on the psychotropic qualities of cold medication.

knitting the most boring hat on earth, but the yarn is soft and the color is very pretty. i just needed something practical and mindless.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

christmas happiness



at work they are playing massive amounts of christmas music. which is perfectly okay with me. however, this is the only version of 12 days of christmas that i like, and it seems to be missing from my store's playlist. ba-da-dum-DUM!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

you can open this box

a friend told me about pandora yesterday; it's a site that essentially creates little radio stations for you based on songs or artists you type in, and it's all free. if you have an iphone, you can use it on that, if you don't (like me) you can just use it on your computer. i'm totally loving it. the past few years i've fallen out of love with radio, because most of the stations play a very limited variety of songs or music, and as much as i love npr, i tend to like listening to that on the internet while i putter around the house. the advantages of internet radio are that you can listen to what you want with little to no advertising (and usually no commercials), you can pick very specific songs or genres to listen to, and you can still be exposed to new stuff. i like that. plus, now i'm listening to a whole lot of awesome john doe* songs, which makes me want to go buy a whole lot more of his albums. it's good for me, it's good for the artists, and it gets me away from my tv.

*i can't get enough john doe lately. i love his voice, i love his lyrics, i like his collaborations. he's sad without making me want to open any veins, and when i hear him i feel like learning how to play the guitar just so i can sing his songs.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

on porn and roommies

the other day at work i was having a typically strange conversation with my friend josh, when the topic of porn stars came up. josh is in most ways a pretty ordinary 21 year old male, so i asked him who his favorite porn star was. he told me he didn't have one, and i almost had a conniption. honestly, porn stars are everywhere. they write books, they appear on regular tv shows, and while most don't exactly cross over into "mainstream" media, i think it's safe to say that the average american can name a few porn stars off the top of their head. he asked me if i had a favorite, and i said sure. in fact, i have a few. don't you wish you knew who they were? ha! in any case, i told him that maybe he should go home and do some porny homework. i can't have this conversation with him again. i gave him a short list of girls to google when he got home, and sent him on his way. imagine, a 21 year old boy knowing nothing of the porn arts. jeez.

also, i'm pretty sure my roommate slept with her best friend's boyfriend the other night. at the very least i caught them sucking face in the living room like they were hungry zombies. it's hard to look at her now, much less carry on anything even like a normal conversation. if i thought moving sounded good before, now it sound epically amazing. after the new year i'm going to look into it seriously. i just can't wrap my brain around what she might have been thinking. i can't even make out with anyone who's shown an interest in any of my friends, much less sleep with a guy who's dated one. or is dating one. not even casual acquaintances! ugh. i'm torn between wanting to tell her how i really feel, and keeping my mouth shut because i have to live here a bit longer. i suppose if she actually confronts me i'll give her the nutshell version and not hysterically try to pin a scarlet A to her chest, but i just can't take her seriously anymore. if she'll do that to the person she claims to love the best, then she's more than willing to throw the rest of us under any oncoming traffic. i know rightous indignation is unbecoming on me, but i take my friends seriously. i'm ashamed of myself for not saying anything when i caught them, i should have done something right then. at least brought to their attention that one of them, you know, has a girlfriend. and one of them is friends with that girlfriend. being quiet about it makes me just about as guilty as they are. shit. at the same time, i don't want to tell my friend about her boyfriend and my roommate; and i can't tell if it's because i'm totally chicken shit, or if it's to spare her feelings. i'm not sure what to do. goddamn it.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

par-taaay!

one of the best and worst things about my home is that on any given night i might come home to a party already in progress. i admit, tonight i was not thrilled about the prospect. however, after getting the cat set up in my room (one of my best friends is pretty afraid of cats, making lulu more of a liability than fun for her) i'm actually having a good time. living here means giving up on some of my hermit tendencies, and while this is a bit annoying at time, at other times i realize it's kind of good for me.

the end.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

hi!

oh my gosh, i am so annoyed! i went home to my parent's last night to see them and my niece and sister, and pretty much everyone in that house except me and my mom were in the world's worst mood. hmmm. i ate an excellent rueben, got lots of hugs and kisses from maggie, but other than that, i probably should have stayed home and done laundry. ah well, it can't all be sunshine and balloons, i know.

the plan for tonight is to aforementioned laundry. via minnie i discovered google tasks (whoo!) and i'm going to work on the rest of my list, bleach my hair, and do some serious red dye. i think it's time my bangs got in on the action. i'm also planning on seeing the bad things soon, so i'm going to work on my victory rolls. i even bought some of that foamy stuff and new hair-pins to work on them! i know, silly. however, a band like the bad things requires some sort of costume, and my face is good with old-school hair.

wow, kind of a boring post. sucks to be you!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

total sensory overload

i can watch tv, surf the internets, and listen to music all at the same time. i don't need to do all three at once, but sometimes it's kind of fun too.

i have grand plans for my day off, but seeing as it's already almost one in the afternoon and i'm still in my pj's and only on my first cup of coffee, i'll be surprised if i get too much of my list done. i'm hoping to do some more pom pom crafting with my sister this afternoon, see my niece and lounge supreme at mom and pop's. i should also wash my hair and clothes, and shut the damn tv off.

oh, but the tv is so awesome! ah, i love it. i know we're on our honeymoon phase, but that doesn't make it any less fun.

Monday, December 08, 2008

spam!



i had spam and eggs for breakfast. true story.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

public service announcement

effective forms of birth control rarely discussed:
  1. attending any young child's birthday party at chuck e. cheese. especially useful if the kids are mostly toddlers!
  2. babies with head colds on long flights. the screaming, the snot!
  3. listening to children whine in the check-out line at the grocery store.
  4. crying children at the movie theater.
  5. any extended amount of time spent with a surly teenager not directly related to you.
  6. chunky spit-up. then later, cleaning up barf when the kids don't make it to the bathroom.
  7. seeing the hannah montana show, even if only briefly and on accident.
  8. really, any mention of miley cyrus does it for me. think of your miley cyrus and insert name here ______.
  9. coincidentally being at a museum at the same time as any school field trip.
  10. getting caught behind a school bus on your drive home.
i'm sure your children are nice, and i'm glad you had them because i honestly enjoy kids for the most part, but i have to admit lately i'm glad i don't have any of my own. last night after spending three hours at a chuck e. cheese birthday party for a toddler, i was relieved that none of them were going home with me. the cake was awesome, though. dark choclate with a cherry filling!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

w00t

I HAVE CABLE TV. IN MY BEDROOM.

if you don't see or hear from me in a few days, please roll me over so i don't develop bed sores.

thanks!

Friday, December 05, 2008

christmas wishes

pretty much everything i could want for christmas can be found over at adult swim. especially this new sweatshirt! i put together a small list for my folks this year, at their request, and on it was some venture bros., subscriptions to juxtapoz, giant robot or bitch, and maybe a new set of car floor mats. i know, i know, totally greedy of me. honestly, i'm hoping they stick to the list, because they've already done a lot of me this year and i don't want much.

what are you asking for?

Thursday, December 04, 2008

things that make me feel better



also, reading natalie dee comics; knitting; drinking tea; talking to my friends, and having a thursday off. see, i'm not just a black cloud of doom!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

post 1020

one of my favorite customers lost his long-time girlfriend to cancer the day before thanksgiving.

he's a good guy. you can see he was a hot mess in his youth; he tells you about his issues with drugs and alcohol, he's not shy about it. he's been clean for many years now, and his girlfriend was this lovely, sweet ex-hippy like he is. they were nice together. the kind of couple you could tell just liked being together, who were friendly and pleasant and just overall the sort of customers that you enjoyed working with. he told us when she got sick, because she stopped coming in with him, due to issues with her weak immune system. if you have issues with your immune system, the grocery store is pretty much the last place on earth you want to hang out. we are like a giant, over-sized, juicy petri dish. at first we were full of concern but sure she would get better. that never happened, and when it started getting worse we all just did the best we could feeding them both and making sure when he came in that he was taken care of. he never really had to wait in line, we knew what he liked and often had it ready for him before he came in, we'd make sure he remembered the sprite and ask how she was and if she wanted anything special.

it's rare, but some customers become your friends before you realize it.

her passing is an awful, horrible thing. watching him go through grief not once, but twice is painful for everyone. when she stopped being coherent and here, it was bad. now that she's gone, it's worse. no one knows what to do, so we all just do our best. that includes calling and checking in and making casseroles, or just listening to him when he wants to talk.

i didn't hear about her death until after thanksgiving. my thanksgiving day was wonderful, full of people i love and a metric ton of fowl, and i feel guilty now for being so blissfully unaware of what was going on. i feel guilty for being so lucky to have had an awesome day. i know that there's nothing i can do about that, that there was nothing i could do that day even, other than love my people and be grateful for them. i can't imagine thanksgiving falling on the day after the love of your life, your mother, sister, or friend, dies; i don't think anyone in that family will celebrate the same ever again. i can only imagine it will always be bittersweet at best. what holiday without someone you love isn't?

i know this post comes to you late, a week after the fact. i've been thinking it over and wondering if i should even say anything since it's not my story to tell. it's been on my mind, though, quite a bit. i feel horrible for the people involved, thankful that even with all the crap my family's been through this year we're all still together, and have spent a lot of time thinking about death and dying and families. not the perkiest of holiday thoughts, to be sure, but i know that at least any good times i have this season will be less likely to be taken for granted. you just never know what tomorrow is going to bring.

Monday, December 01, 2008

sorry for the boring mc. boringpants thing going on over here. between house and kitten sitting, the holiday, and work, i haven't actually been in my home for more than thirty minutes all week. tonight is my first night back, and my roommate's out and her kids are at their dad's, meaning i have the whole place to myself. i'm going to drink a beer, working on yet another knit hat, and lounge in a very sloth-like way. tomorrow we'll play catch up!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

you really don't want to be me right now

working in a grocery store right before a major holiday that revolves around FOOD is pretty much the lamest thing on earth. wait, let me amend that; it's 99% lame with 1% seriously nice, gracious shoppers who are crazy pleasant to deal with. most of them are dicks, but the nice ones seem even nicer because you know, they have manners and use them. needless to say, we have been somewhat busy, customers are freaking out about the prices of everything, snapping at you about how much goddamn cranberry orange relish they want, and generally forgetting that you should be nice to kids who can spit in your food.

this year, like last, i am fortunate enough to have thanksgiving day off. like last year, my family will be celebrating with a turducken, because if one bird is good, then three is fucking awesome. this year i will also get to cuddle with maggie after gorging on fowl, piss off my mom with my red hair, win her back with this dish i bought her, try to convince my cousin to bring hellboy II as our after-feast movie, and cap the night off hopefully getting drunk with my sister and bonding over stupid shit like boys and make-up.

aside from all the work stress, i'm pretty pleased with myself these days. the kid is out of my make-up, thanks to my locking it up, although not out of my room (but i have a lock for that too! installation coming soon!), we're set up for cable tv starting next week, as well as a new plan for internet and phone that drastically cuts down on the bill, and this new boy i've been seeing is pretty cool*. i don't know, maybe it's the pumpkin beer i had for dinner, but things are okay. i have a lot to be grateful for this year, like a family i love, friends who are awesome, and fun books to read and boys to kiss. that, and my cat is cute albeit a bit evil. what more can a girl ask for?

*i actually gave mr. "i'm going to fall asleep on you" a third date. i wanted to just write him off, but dammit if everyone i knew didn't convince him to give him one more try. what do you know? he's an awesome kisser. i thought, "hmmm...this i like." saw more of him, and aside from him being mostly sick and/or recovering from surgery since we met, he's actually very cool. he's a shy guy, but not too shy to keep asking me out even when i was blowing him off. and he's definitely not too shy to tell me he likes me and wants to see more of me. he's unexpected, but a nice surprise.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

revenge!

oh, revenge is sweet and delicious. especially when it's all sorts of covert! i am going to tell you about it, though, don't worry.

this morning i discovered not one, but two of my favorite eye shadows in my roommate's daughter's room. this coming on the heels of yet another theft (of my crackers) and a mild blow-up on my part. confronting her does nothing. confronting her mother also does nothing. i even told her that last night; that i knew she wouldn't get in trouble for it, that i knew she didn't care if she got caught, and that my being irritated was useless. i had to vent anyway! this morning, i simply collected my things, then went through her make up. i had given her a really nice nars face palette, mainly because the colors were mostly brown, and partly in an effort to keep her the hell out of my shit. this morning i took it back, took it to work with me, and threw it away. now it's gone forever. tomorrow i'm going to take back the set of purple eye shadow cremes i gave her, and the day after that i might feel better, but i might take something else back as well. let's see how she likes it when her shit goes missing! if she asks where it went, i'll just give her the same dumb look she gives me and ask "what?" i might play it off like i have no idea where it went, or i might just tell her i threw it away. i haven't quite decided.

tonight after work i bought a big ass tool box and a padlock. guess where all my make-up and favorite jewelry went? bingo! i'm also getting a new door knob for my room, with a lock as well. i should have done this months ago, it feels amazing. petty, sure, but awesome.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

just for me

waking up this morning i see SUN. this makes me feel happy. also having the whole day off, more happy. i have a head full of plans, so i'm going to make a list and see what i can get done today. kind of a boring post for you, but oh well. i promise to update you, at the very least.

things i want to do today
  • i have two very detailed cross stitch ideas in my head; i need to make the patterns for them a reality.
  • work on bibs for my friend jen, who gave me the bibs to work on many, many months ago.
  • wash clothes.
  • wash hair.
  • go by work and drop off a present for a friend.
  • watch movies.
  • read watchmen.
  • clean my bathroom.
  • learn how to french braid my own damn hair.
hopefully i can get some of this done and don't spend all day on-line watching videos on youtube and then being crabby that i wasted the day.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

check out my super bee

the photo is crappy, but i bought this little car at work the other day because it was so pretty. there are gold flecks in the white paint, good, clean lines, and i am a sucker for muscle cars. i know nothing about them save for they are foxy, loud, and generally have the perfect seats for making out. the more i looked at it, the more i wanted to wear it. tonight i picked up some chain and sparkley beads, and here we are. my 1969 dodge coronet super bee necklace!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

for your amusement



i can't get this song out of my head. oddly enough, it has a music video.

wine in the bedroom

sounds much more fun than it is. i'm just feeling lazy and don't want to have to go out to the kitchen if i decide to get another glass, so i brought the bottle into my room. classy!

lately i've been working only closing shifts; going in at either 1 or 2, staying until 9 or 10. this is my absolute favorite shift. i like getting up kind of late, taking a long time to get ready (or not!), spending my morning reading blogs and books and having a nice breakfast. i have time to run errands if i want to, or do laundry, play with lulu. it's the perfect shift for me! i like nights best, and when i get home i have all this time to play, you know? however: i am in the only one in the house with this schedule. meaning i have to be somewhat quiet when i get home.

it's not that awful, but it's not so great. it make me miss living alone. or at least living in a place with more space, where my room wasn't sandwiched between the other two. if only we had a basement! ah, i would love that. i miss my underground living.

the weather's gotten chilly. last night i realized i don't have enough blankets on my bed to comfortable and warm in this weather. usually i have a million, but some are in storage, and the ones i bought with the fisherman i got rid of.* i'm borrowing one of the kid's for now, hoping to get my stuff out of storage sooner rather than later. i at least want to go through it all, get rid of some of it, consolidate the rest. this impermanent feeling is getting old.

*i might not believe in god, but i am weirdly superstitious. i wanted a clean break, so i got rid of any and everything that reminded me of him. except for one particularly comfy sweatshirt, which i thought was okay to keep. one memento is enough!

Friday, November 14, 2008

oh hell yes

my sister and niece came into town today, to do a bit of shopping at good old costco, and i was lucky enough to get to hang out with them. after we bought a metric ton of cured meats, cheeses, and veggies we came back to my house to make some dinner. we were going to pick up a rotisserie chicken there and then just make sides, but you know what? we just really dig sides. mom would let us do that some nights; instead of a proper dinner we would have what she called nibbles. sometimes it was leftovers paired with salami and cheese and olives, sometimes we left out the leftovers and just ate hors d'oeuvers. tonight we roasted some brussel sprouts, made goat cheese stuffed mushrooms (laced with a bit of fresh basil and cayenne pepper), tiny gourmet sausages, and our favorite, salami and cheese. i talked her into splitting a wheel of fleur des alpes with me, and she was quite impressed. it never even made it onto any crackers, we just sliced off ooze-y pieces and ate it right off our fingers. we also had a ton of good olives and some giardiniera. we ate until we were sleepy and watched part of a movie with maggie. it was awesome. except for the part where maggie decided she liked chasing and harassing lulu more than playing nice. oh, those terrible threes are right around the corner! better get in the good stuff while i can.

while looking for good photos of salami tonight, i stumbled upon this blog. it's amazing! i suddenly feel like making my own cured meats, in large quantities. i'm sure my pop would be down, he's he one that introduced us as kids to weird cured meats (well, strange to our friends. we always loved it!), and he's the reason we get all fussy when we buy a combo pack of salami and get cheated out of spicy capicola. let's go make our own salami! now!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

dye!

i'm not really sure how folks go about not washing their hair. this is my first foray into leaving my hair the fuck alone, and i feel sort of greasy. i bought some dry shampoo, and that helps some. my hairdresser friends say that you get used to it, and your hair does too, and that if i wait out this awful shiny period i'll be glad i did. they're the experts, so i'm deferring to them.

anyone else giving up shampoo out there? hints? tips?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

1010!

that's the number of this post. 1,010. like a palindrome, gone very, very wrong. a backwards palindrome?

i've been thinking today a lot about closure* and forgiveness and all that shit. yesterday at work a co-worker totally broke down on me in the bathroom, full on sloppy tears and snotty nose. she told me a horrible story from her youth and then concluded it by telling me that her family thinks she should "be over it by now" and wants her to forgive a cousin who pretty seriously abused her as a child. i held her in the bathroom, all hot and sticky and shuddering, and told her to fuck that noise--sometimes what people do is unforgivable and if she's not ready, then she doesn't have to. personally, i'm all for grudges. i know that you're supposed to let shit go and forgive and it's supposed to be better for your skin and karma, but i don't care. a grudge can be a warm blanket on a cold day, and plotting revenge is a sweet treat that i love to indulge in. this might make me a shallow, horrible person but i'm okay with that. at the very least i'm honest. i told my co-worker to just tell me where her cousin lives, i'll show up with rotten eggs and a case of toilet paper and make his morning terrible. i could plot other, worse thing, but i'm sure she's got that covered. i told her to not feel bad about feeling shitty; she already feels lousy, why feel guilty for feeling that way? what happened to her was awful, if she feels bad about it, that's more than okay.

*a boy i used to date ran into some friends of mine at a bar the other night and said he felt bad we had no "closure." i think when he stopped calling me he closed things up just fine. i don't need to have some big talk about why we were mismatched or why he bailed. we were, he did, end of story. even if we had some talk that spelled it all out, i'd still feel shitty about it. no amount of talking or good intentions clears that feeling up. all i can really do is feel it, get over it, move on. closure is for pussies, and is one thing i hate about psychobabble and television talk shows. there is no such thing as closure, as far as i'm concerned. talking about it makes me uptight.

there's a good chance that i am a horrible person, but honestly, if you fuck with me or my people, odds are that i'm not going to forgive or forget. i might not exact the sort of sordid revenge i daydream about, but i won't give up my right to feel shitty and lousy and angry. only people who feel guilty and/or know they suck, think about things like closure and forgiveness. i believe more people than like to admit it feel the way i do, and would rather cradle a grudge, feed it and love it and nuzzle it before bed, than smile and forgive and shrug and move on. the thing is, i think you can hold a grudge and move forward. eventually the heat of a grudge fades and another one takes it place or you just find yourself doing something else. i can hold my purse and walk around town just fine, i can take that grudge with me wherever i go. true story.

yes!

this is the red hair i wanted! thank you, manic panic pillarbox red. i know using manic panic means a lot less showers, and more baths, but i don't care. this red is totally worth it. i feel awesome.

in other news, i think we might have an unwed teen mother in our home. that's right, i think little LuLu went and got herself knocked-up. she's super rotund in the middle, super cuddly and if i'm right, she might have actually been preggers when we took her in. we'll have to wait and see. although i thought of an awesome idea today; kitty litter that changes color when your cat gets knocked up. like it turns pink and clumpy, letting you know that you either need to see a vet immediately, or buy a box and some towels and ready yourself for childbirth and lamaze classes.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

a nice tuesday update

the newest addition at work quit yesterday. we all saw it coming, and to be honest, we thought it would come sooner. she was a very nice lady, but impossibly slow and slightly daft. my job in the deli isn't that hard or brain-consuming, but you have to be quick and you have to be able to do about a million things at once. not everyone enjoys that or is able to do it. i was complaining about her one night to J and i made the comment that she was "good for nothing" and he said, "no, she's quite capable of taking 20 minutes to help one customer while a line forms." true story. i'm relieved she's gone, but that means i get her wednesday shift. today would have been my friday, but not anymore. the good part is that working that shift will bring up to 40 hours, plus a few overtime hours; the bad news is that now i only get one day off this week. i could really use the money, but damn it sucks to get it this way. why can't i get it through a windfall? the lottery? a kind benefactor?

i just re-bought a copy of andrew bird's bowl of fire, oh! the grandeur, which i love so much. i don't think my roommate is as fond of it, but lucky for me our schedules this week are at odds. i can listen to it loud all morning while she's at work!

my sister and i are hoping to take maggie to see madagascar II, because damn if the kid doesn't just totally adore the first one. taking her to the movies is pretty fun, she's remarkably well behaved at the theater. i hope it works out! spending a few day at home with my family last week kind of spoiled me. i want a lot more time with the baby. who, i have discovered, can be persuaded to give out kisses if you ask for "some sugar." ask for a kiss and the kid's like, "no way," tell her you need some sugar, right over here on this cheek, and she comes running.

boring post! i'll be working a lot this week, hopefully not spending a lot, and maybe next week i can get two new tires for my car and stop worrying about dying in a rainstorm.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

more awesome obama news


if you go over to natalie dee right now, if you enter the word "obama" at the checkout you can get $2 off your order! whoo! i used that $2 off to buy myself this shirt, which i have coveted forever and now get to own. happy times, friends.

gross!

yesterday i cleaned out the cat box and bagged up the little litter-coated treats, then put them in my car to take to work with me. i figure if i dump them in the trash there, yay! my trash doesn't stink. plus, i get the smug satisfaction of dropping off my cat's shit at my shitty work.

ahem. except i forgot to take the bag with me when i got there. i got into my car last night and was horrified by the smell, totally confused for a second, until i realized what it was and ran it to the nearest trash can. i opened up all the windows and the guy i was giving a ride home to laughed seriously hard at me. i thought he was going to spew mountain dew out of his nose.

it was funny, but totally disgusting.

Friday, November 07, 2008

genesis



might be news to you, but i seriously love genesis p-orridge. i especially love the pandrongyne project that s/he took on with lady jaye. my sister and i have matching tattoos because of gen. i read everything s/he does, i watch the videos, i love how s/he confronts and shakes the ideas of gender and the limits of the human body. i don't believe any other artist has compelled me so much. if you can, go watch this video. it's sad and sweet and awesome.

i like this one

meme time! taken from the always lovely, and well-shod, chez shoes.

Where is your mobile phone? purse?
Where is your significant other? imaginary
Your hair colour? clown red/black
Your mother? awesome
Your father? brown
Your favourite thing? benzos!
Your dream last night? sexy
Your dream goal? money
The room you’re in? bedroom
Your hobby? needles
Your fear? poverty
Where do you want to be in 6 years? portland
Where were you last night? in bed
What you’re not? carefree
One of your wish-list items? yurt
Where you grew up? coupeville
The last thing you did? bleach
What are you wearing?
black
Your TV?
unconnected
Your pets?
lulu!
Your computer?
tiny
Your mood?
hot
Missing someone?
obviously
Your car?
plum
Something you’re not wearing?
bandaids
Favourite shop?
grocery outlet
Your summer?
boring
Love someone?
sigh
Your favourite colour?
red
When is the last time you laughed?
wednesday
When is the last time you cried?
tuesday


Thursday, November 06, 2008

why did i even look?

***note; i wrote this last night, hid it this morning, and am reposting it now. i'm doing that for a few reasons, one being that even though this may not be my finest moment, it is the truth. and i was right, this morning i did feel better. annoyed and still a little hurt, but much better.***

i was on the myspace and i checked out miss piggy's profile because it looked like she put up some new photos and suddenly she's "in a relationship." with dickwad from work. which shouldn't bother me, because um, duh, they've been dating now for a while, but seeing it there made my tummy hurt.

i think i liked him so much because i didn't know him very well and it's easy to idealize a man you just flirt with. had we actually dated i'm sure it would have been disastrous, because obviously he's looking for someone totally different than me. besides, i just got done dating a man who wasn't too terribly into me, why would i want to do that again?

sometimes i hate being a girl and feeling like my emotions are out of control. of course, normally all i have to do is acknowledge i feel a certain way and then i feel better, but still. it sucks to feel all down on myself and insecure, it sucks to have been pushed aside for someone else, and it sucks when any boy just stops fucking calling.

i was in a pretty good mood too; spent the weekend with my folks, spent a lot of time with my niece, had two really awesome meals and watched some fun tv. i was feeling good about being home and not too disappointed about working tomorrow. now i feel sick to my stomach and retarded all at the same time. let's hope i feel better in the morning.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

feeling very, very good

watching obama's speech last night gave me chills. seeing his lovely family, seeing the mix of people in the crowd, seeing how happy everyone looked was so refreshing. for the first time in a while i felt like hope wasn't such a bad thing, that maybe that's exactly what we need right now.

i don't think it's all going to be puppies and rainbows and sunshine from here on out, but i do believe things are going to get better.

my date last night came down with a cold, which i knew about before i went over there. i told him it would be okay to reschedule; that if he was feeling lousy we could hang out some other time. he made a nice dinner, i brought over some movies, we played with the kittens, then he took some theraflu and passed the fuck out. eh. part of me feels bad for the poor guy, since i'm pretty sure getting sick wasn't high on his list of things to do yesterday, but part of me is annoyed that he had me over to start with.

plus, he's not very tall and i keep swearing up and down my next boyfriend is going to be TALL. maybe this is a sign. who knows.

i'm going home today to see my family, which i haven't done in weeks and weeks, making me a shitty daughter/sister/aunt, but today i'm totally going to try to redeem myself.

hail to the anti-christ!

my date was a failure, but my man won the presidency, and i think in later years that's what i'll remember.

also, getting to rub it into that sanctimonious bitches face that the "anti-christ" won will be so impossibly delicious.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

we're talking about it, dammit

the election! today at work a girl wanted to talk to me about how disappointed she was to see i had an obama sticker on my cheese binder. i shrugged and told her i was sorry, but he's the man for me. she got all flustered and told me that she could never, ever vote for obama because she truly believes he's the anti-christ. she got another shrug from me and i told her that was okay, because i don't believe in god. she gave me that look and said, "i'm sorry to hear that, because he believes in you."

ah, nothing like mixing both politics and religion in one small, condescending, annoying conversation. truth be told, i kind of feel like ratting her out to the union for bringing it up.

i woke up this morning totally thrilled with myself for not having a panic attack yesterday but already feeling anxious because i realized it's the day before the election. all month i've been busy with other shit, but then i realized "oh my god! this is it!" i've spent all day wondering what tomorrow will be like. i want to rush home from work and turn on the radio and stay glued to my computer to watch the results trickle in. i want to buy a six pack of beer and some cheese and crackers and pace around the house calling my pop every five minutes to confer with him. however, i am going on a date so i won't. or maybe i'll con him into turning on his fancy cable tv and letting me watch voraciously.

yeah, that's right. a date. i'm going to bring it up now because i can. because maybe this time i'll do everything the opposite of what i normally do and see how that goes. it's a guy i met on halloween. he's nice and smart and rescued two kittens kicked out of their litter and truth be told, i like that he's a cat guy. even if it was reluctant at first, because i saw him with his four week old kittens and DAMN. little kittens are very cute. he's got a nice big couch, and seemingly few issues. it's going to be a casual date, and while i won't kiss and tell, i promise to give you enough details to keep you interested.

no matter who you want to win, i hope you vote. sure, i'm rooting for my guy, but no matter what i'll be damn glad to see less of george w. on my tv.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

daylight savings!

i love falling back. yes, i know this means darker sooner, but today, when i get that extra hour to lie in my bed, i'm pretty pleased with myself and the way the world works. i'm sure that feeling will pass once i get to work, but i'm enjoying it for now.

things the cat has learned to do:
  • open cupboards. the task itself isn't that hard, you really don't need opposable thumbs for it, but the other night she not only got into the cabinet under the sink, but she chewed a great big hole in her food bag and had a party. bad kitty. i have to hide the food way high up now, and next payday i need to get a big tupperware thing to hold her food.
  • flush the toilet. weird, right? for some reason whenever i have to pee, she comes in with me, sits on the tub next to me while i do my thing (which is very strange, but i'm not sure she gets why, so i let her sit there as long as she doesn't bug me), and then when i get up and shut the lid, she starts pushing the handle like she's going to flush. she has yet to push it down all the way, but she is close and once she figures out how hard she needs to push i might be in trouble. i imagine this will be one of those things that at 4 in the morning she'll be flushing away and waking my dumb ass up.
hmmm....what else is new. i'm pretty nervous most of the time lately. that's not exactly "news" but the fact that i'm willing to admit it is new. i'm fairly sure it's just a combination of weather changing, constant calls from bill collectors, and an overwhelming feeling of not being in control, but i'm trying hard to not just increase my meds and float through. it's hard to do, though. on my days off i'm fine, it's my working days that are suffering. what it boils down to is i can't afford to be that nervous-wreck at work, i can't afford to take a day off and lie in bed making lists and worrying a hole in the ground. i can't afford to not go in when they call me on my days off. in fact, i really should get another job or at least a second job. i feel this tension between my shoulder blades all the time, and i have days when i feel like crawling out of my skin. it's not so much fun. i don't think i'm very pleasant to hang out with or talk to, and i'm sure as hell boring myself with all the thinking and worry and sour stomach. logically i know that things are okay; maybe not great or fantastic, but that i'm not that much worse off than anybody else and that i have a place to live and a job and a car and things are going to work themselves out. it's just hard to convince my mis-firing brain that this is true. dear seratonin, why you got to be such a bitch?

Friday, October 31, 2008

post script

the wine my friend at work gave me did not turn into vinegar, but could it have turned into vodka? damn, it's all sweet and i've had three glasses and think i might be drunk. did i mention i love you, man? because I DO.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

here's what 31 looks like!

my very favorite customer, eric, brought me a homemade bottle of wine for my birthday! a friend of his made it, and he was worried about it having gone to vinegar (since it's all organic, no sulfites, that sort of thing), but as you can see, it is indeed quite palatable. in fact, it is delicious. more sweet than "medium sweet," but it truly tastes like a fresh raspberry. a raspberry with an attitude.
i am enjoying a glass as we speak. or you read and i type. whatever. there's a good chance i'll enjoy more than one glass, as well. in fact, i'm going to go pour glass two right now! then watch cartoons!
maggie made me a pine cone pet (with her mom's help, of course. we love mag, but we are not letting her use a hot glue gun just yet!), and my pop was kind enough to drive all the way from the island to my work to give it to me, along with my birthday card from my family. seeing pop at work just about killed me. trying not to burst into tears the minute i saw him was pretty intense. i know that my little troubles are small, but the fact is that i haven't gotten to see my family or spend any real time with them in a few weeks and it was seeing dad this afternoon that made me realize how much i miss them, as well as how comforting they are just by being around. i am not getting an official present from them, because they helped me save my stuff in storage in that was my present, but i could care less. they got me this sweet card that sings "my girl" when you open it and after pop left i ran straight to the bathroom where i cried my eyes out for about fifteen minutes. partly because i'm sad*, but mostly because everyone today was just really, seriously, awesome.

my friends got me this rad cake in the shape of cheese wedges, i got big hugs, a friend i hadn't seen in a while went out of his way to come see me at work, and everyone was just genuinely, honestly nice and wonderful. it's still hard for me to see the guy at work and miss piggy palling around, but knowing that 85% of the people i work with care about me and worked hard to make my birthday special just blew me away. i'm very lucky. thanks for all the birthday well wishes, i appreciate them all. it was a good day, and tomorrow when i get to go out and celebrate i'm sure it will also be fantastic. hooray for another year! let's all cross our fingers that my 31st year on earth is reasonably pleasant and i meet a nice, tall boy to make-out with and my cat stops peeing on my pj's. she really seems to enjoy doing that if i leave them on the floor in the bathroom. crazy.

*i got some bad news about my grandmother today. truth be told, i was kind of surprised at my reaction. she is not a woman i particularly like, nor does she care much for me, but the fact remains that she is my mother's mother; hearing about her hurt or in pain or struggling is hard for me. not only do i feel badly for her, but then i start worrying about my mom and how she's doing and it spirals downward from there. my grandmother may not be the nicest woman, she may not have been the best mother or grandmother, but she is family and hearing about what she's going through right now made me cry pretty hard. just when i start thinking i'm a cold-hearted bad-ass bitch i inevitably start sobbing like a schoolgirl. my cover is blown! i'm sensitive! dammit!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

my last post as a 30 year old

in five minutes i'm 31! crazy. good crazy, but crazy nonetheless.

i thought i had the day off, and i did have half of it to myself, mainly because when they called me in i was all the way in lynwood and told them they would just have to wait. i was annoyed, and hungover, but he hours are totally appreciated.

i've been digging on old pj harvey albums lately. i forgot how impossibly awesome both dry and rid of me are. i remember buying dry, sometime in high school, after reading a review of it someplace, and it just totally kicked my ass. i had no idea women could sound like her and still have the giant guitars and rock. i still have the early albums on cassette tape someplace, but i recently went ahead and replaced them with cds.

i think tomorrow i'm going to try to hunt down some scary movies to celebrate my birthday with. i'm hoping for some rob zombie films, and some zombie goodness. now i'm going to go spent the rest of 30 playing with the cat who is seriously pissed at me for not coming home last night. what can i say? i clearly couldn't drive home and instead went to a house party after singing piano man at karaoke with friends. vanilla vodka and ruby red squirt are a delightful pair, by the way.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

something in the air

everyone is having a lousy week. it's not just me, and pretty much everyone else i know having a crappy time is having it much worse than i am, so i feel guilty for wallowing around in boy-self-pity. a good friend of mine just got a DUI. another found out her husband is sleeping with what used to be her best friend. one of my favorite customers is helping his girlfriend go through the last stages of her cancer. a cute couple i work with are going through the first stages of breaking up. everyone i know is sad and freaked out and worried about the future. it's a mess. i find myself hugging my friends a lot lately, hugging them tight just so they know i'm here.

this all makes me want to cancel my birthday plans and just settle in for the rest of the month at my house with a cup of tea, a few knitting projects, the kitten and her toys, and just hide out until the emotional storm passes. that's probably not very realistic, but a girl can dream.

Friday, October 24, 2008

true story

maybe it's because i'm sick (some stomach bug side-swiped me, making me barfy for longer than was comfortable!) or maybe it's because i have pms, or maybe it's because all i want to do is cry today, but i'm going to tell you the real reason i've been so moody and shitty and down-on-myself. it's not a pretty story, though, and i'm afraid it makes me looks shallow and petty and way too invested in what boys think of me.

okay, and here is the thing i wanted to tell you but didn't, the thing that's got me down like nothing else. remember mr. guy i work with that i have a huge crush on? yeah, well we finally made our move. by "we" i mean i started it but he totally took the ball and ran with it. it was fun. it was more than fun. then he started getting all weird and not returning my phone calls and meanwhile i'm busy telling no one anything because we work together and i figure no one needs to know, and he agrees. then, about a week after our little rendezvous i find out he's been out all week with another girl we work with. a girl who he always made fun of me for hanging out with, a girl he never did anything but shit-talk, a girl who frankly looks like miss piggy with a bong. she's the girl with the giant mouth who found the fisherman's personal ad on yahoo and told the whole store! basically, i'm honest with him about having a big old crush, he takes advantage of that, then moves on to a muppet. a skanky muppet with a drinking problem. i feel like shit. i'm hurt, humiliated, and sad. he picked her over me, and i can't help but thinking i totally should have known better. i should have seen this coming! i knew he was cowardly, i just didn't realize the extent of it. they're still hanging out, almost two weeks later. everyone at work knows about them, no one knows about he and i (except for two or three folks, who are very good at keeping pie holes shut), and every time i see him i just want to crawl into a big hole and die. or set him on fire. i vacillate between anger and hurt, with part of me thinking "well at least i'm not a fucking coward" and part of me shrinking away like "oh my god, he really likes her more than me." he picked her over me! or maybe he didn't. i don't know. he won't talk to me, and that's probably for the best. i have to tell you, that one time we hung out he was impossibly sweet and adorable and wonderful, telling me how long he'd waited for this moment, blah blah blah. i played right into it. now i feel...horrible. i feel like a loser. i can't believe i wasted a year crushing on this guy! oh my god, i am so retarded.

i understand that being hurt is a reasonable response to this situation. i realize that it will pass, and that finding out now what kind of man he truly is is for the best. i know that i didn't do anything wrong, and that more than anything i should be angry at him for lying to me and being deceitful. it just hurts. i'm not the sort of girl who mopes about boys normally; i might feel awful but it tends to be short-lived, and i can shrug off boys who don't dig me. i've never been the pretty girl, i've always been sort of challenging to date, and i'm not everyone's cup of tea. i'm almost 31 years old, i know my own limitations and have worked with them for years now. something about this boy, though, this particular situation, has me feeling rotten. i really liked him. we had this fun, flirty relationship. he was a very, very good kisser. now he's dating the loudmouth stoner chick with crazy clown eye makeup. what can i do? nothing. just wait for it to stop hurting.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

no one loves me, i think i'll go eat worms



i found this video on youtube tonight while feeling nostalgic for my youth. ah, julianna. so sad, so cute.

lately i totally feel like that girl who's all caught up in what guys think of her and feeling sorry for herself (there's a story that goes here to explain that, but i don't want to share it because i end up looking like a giant pathetic jackass!), and some of it has to do with things petering out with The Boy, but more of it to do with that thing i'm not telling you. i'm an obtuse, pathetic jackass. needless to say, i think i'm only ever going to need a single bed now and forever. no one is ever going to love me, and my jerk-magnet is as strong as ever!

in any case, i'd like to reassure everyone, myself included, that i know all this moping is retarded and not productive and i promise it ends soon. after you watch this video and giggle at what a ridiculous teenager i was then, and how dumb i'm acting now. birthday's always make me a pensive asshole, so let's blame it on that, okay? agreed!

please be honest

i am thinking, rather tentatively, of putting some of my watercolor little people up for sale on etsy. keep in mind they are small paintings, only 4x6 inches, pen and ink illustrations with some watercolor splashed on. i was thinking of selling them for about $25-$30. do you think that's reasonable?

Monday, October 20, 2008

things i have learned about lulu


  • she is very playful, but gentle. i like to rough house with her a little tiny bit, and she bites very gently and purrs very loudly.
  • she's starting to respond to the name lulu.
  • she will indeed come running when i shake the kitten treat box.
  • she knew exactly what that bag of food was, and meowed until i opened it and fed her.
  • then she took a giant poop in the bathtub; proving that she's smarter than the average cat. i put the litter box in there after that, so she'll use it. other than that, i'm not exactly sure how one goes about encouraging litter box use! if you have tips, please leave them.
  • she likes catnip.
  • she's a fan of yarn and yarn balls and things being knit.
  • she talks back when you ask her a question.
  • she seems to like everyone in the house, but she follows me around.
  • if she's not in my lap, she's under my seat.
  • she really, really digs a good head scratch.
i have really missed having a cat around. there's something very rewarding about having a cat like you, because you know damn good and well they could do just as well without you. when i found her this afternoon, she was sitting out by the house i saw her near last, and when i walked out there and asked her what she was doing, she just meowed at me. that made me laugh, and i kept saying, "come over here!" and she kept meowing, until i crouched down and then she came running. we had a good pet, then i started walking toward the house and she just followed me in. it's hokey, finding a stray and thinking, "OMG! kitten!" but damn. i'm a hokey girl, evidently.

songs that are awesome

either while going through a break-up or feeling bad about boys in general:
  • suedehead, morrissey. most morriessy will make you feel better, this one will make you feel both sad and bitter and eager to sing along.
  • strong man, luscious jackson. because sometimes you need reminding that you don't suck that bad, maybe he does. it's also a nice reminder that being in a relationship with someone who's on the same page as you is really better than anything one-sided.
  • fuck and run, liz phair. um, duh. if you are a girl like me and grew up in the 90's, you love this song.
  • somebody i used to know, elliott smith. i know anne doesn't care for elliott, but i like how even his sad songs have happy sounding guitars.
  • you were wrong, built to spill. another happy sounding song that is a bit on the grim side.
  • lost cause, beck. while i am not the biggest beck fan, this song perfectly sums up the "this relationship is doomed" feeling one might have.
  • the hopeless waltz, blanche. this one makes you want to wear a long skirt and stare out a rainy window while sighing deeply.
  • no more words, berlin. that's right, talk is cheap. added bonus: terri nunn's hair in the video is crazy fierce.
any other suggestions?

dammit!

kitten-sized hole in fence. kitten gone. will kitten come back? cross your fingers.

they called it kitten love

meet lulu!

a few weeks ago at work we all noticed a cat that we thought had been dumped at the store, which is a fairly common occurrence. people think they'll get picked up by someone else easier or something, or you know, get squashed by a car. she was small-ish (maybe a teenager?), fairly well fed, friendly and sweet. for a while no one thought much of her; there was always the chance that she had wandered away from home, and would wander on back. of course she had no tags or anything, and various co-workers would feed her in the morning and leave out little cups of water. she's been getting thinner, of course, and the weather is turning cold, and we've all been talking about who should take her home.

last night, after one of the worst days i've had in a long time, she came running out to meet me. i sat down and we talked (she is the meow-iest cat i've met since aria!), and she was cuddly and at one point she curled up in my lap, tucked her head into my sweatshirt and purred like no tomorrow. what could i do? i decided at the very least i would take her home, and this morning take her to the local no-kill shelter where she could be taken care of before some other lucky sap found her and took her home. i estimate that process would take fifteen minutes. but she walked into the house, took right to my roommate, curled up on the couch and dar said to me, "um, i think we have a cat."

damn straight! i'm totally smitten. she slept with me on the couch for a long time last night (i crashed early) and then woke up with me to come to bed, where she crawled under the covers with me, just her sweet little head poking out. she didn't pee anywhere, or freak out and eat shit while i was sleeping, and this morning when i said, "good morning lulu!" she turned to me and stretched out her little paws for a pet. at this very moment she is asleep on my bed, full of tuna for breakfast. she's been outside to do her business, she's checked the house out, she's headbutted and kissed me countless times, and for the first time in a long time i feel pretty pleased with myself. lulu! whoo!

Friday, October 17, 2008

blue in the face

natalie dee
nataliedee.com
it's no big deal, but i am feeling kind of down these days. a little on the blue side, nothing too terribly serious, but honestly, getting out of bed some days is a task on par with climbing some big ass mountain to me. when i step back objectively and look at things, i'm relieved to know that feeling this way is actually pretty normal, considering. things aren't that great, i should want to crawl under the covers and stay there another half hour.

when i think about my life this time last year, i was fairly happy. it's true i was freaked out about my work situation (if you had told me last year that i would still be working for this grocery store, i would have punched you in the face, and yet! here we are!), and my pop's health, but happy to be home. grateful i could help out with radiation duties, even if that sucked for everyone involved. enjoying maggie in the morning, and the way she would crawl up onto the couch with me to cuddle in the morning. my little brother* was still alive. i was in love. i was happy it was fall and aside from a few bumps in the road, having a fairly good time. i wasn't exactly where i wanted to be, you know, because i lived with my parents, but i felt pretty confident that i was on the right track.

i don't think i can say that now. i'm still trying, don't get me wrong, but i feel this overwhelming sense of spinning my wheels lately. my debt is still out of control, i am living in a house that i wish i wasn't living in (or maybe with different roommates!), i have a job that is problematic even when it's good, things on the boy front are dismal at best**, and more than fifty times a day i think, "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" we're like children, we're not men. no, no we aren't men, and i can't call myself a grown-up with any conviction. bleh.

i'm trying to draw more small comics, remembering a piece i read years ago by sean nelson (one of my favorite singers and songwriters), where he quoted an old adage, "happiness writes white." got a little sad in me, i'm going to draw little pictures to make it feel better. what else can i do? staying in bed permanently isn't really a viable option.

*for those who don't know, my little brother was my parent's black cocker spaniel, daggett. he was awesome, and the joke when the got him was that they got my sister and i a "little brother" and that's what we always called him.

**duh. i'm not going to spell it out for you, but i knew it wouldn't last long and it didn't. it was fun and all, but then my phone quit ringing. i guess i'm not as awesome as he said i was!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

crafty frugality

i just went grocery shopping for the week, and spent a mind-boggling $33! dear diary, i love the grocery outlet. right now i'm cooking up some faux-spanish rice (regular rice doctored with sauteed onions, garlic, and salsa), so i can make my own frozen burritos. basically you assembly line a whole mess of burritos and then wrap in plastic then foil, and freeze. when you want one, you just grab one out of the freezer and microwave it for a few minutes, sans foil, until it's hot. everything in them is pre-cooked, and i make them just straight up beans and rice and cheese, so there's no worry about not cooking them through and getting food poisoning. when you food poison yourself, you really feel crappy. i also bought breakfast stuff, like bagels and eggs, and stuff to make tuna pasta salad. all cheap eats, but it will get me through the week and make sure i have enough to pay all my bills this month. i did also indulge in two $3 bottles of wine, because i know i won't be going out much. six bucks seems like a good investment in my happiness!

now i'm going to do laundry, clean my room and bathroom, and generally dork out on how awesome getting shit done is.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

of twitter and skirts

sometimes a girl just needs to put on a skirt and some eyeliner, and suddenly she feels pretty. at least i do today. going out later tonight, but i don't see the point in wearing a pair of pants all day when what i want is to wear my new black skirt. i want to wear it all day, every day, and to bed. i'm in love. it's just stretchy enough to fit well without highlighting too much of the chub, it's the perfect length for me (right about my knee) and is basically what i look for in a skirt. for me, the right black skirt is something i can build any outfit around. t shirt and tennis shoes? check. cute top and ballet flats? check. hair and make-up? sure! sweatshirt and legwarmers? awesome. i'm a happy girl right now.

and i know my twitter's being an asshole; i had to switch over to private for a few days because i was getting an obscene amount of diet spam. dear twitter, i know i'm chubby, but that doesn't mean i want five hundred people following me with names like "fatlossforidiots" and "hoodiaman." should go back to normal once i stop getting requests from those jerks.

Monday, October 13, 2008

jerk face!

lately i am so inept that i have taken to microwaving all my meals. which is retarded, considering i have refused to own a microwave for many, many years now. it's only when i have roommates that i have access to one, and even then i eat all my leftovers cold. however, the last time i tried to cook something on our beautiful gas stove, i spaced what i was doing, and burnt the hell out of it. the fire alarms went off, and i stood there in a smoky kitchen crying and feeling bad for myself. the microwave, on the other hand, beeps when stuff is done and shuts itself off. so there.

aside from my horrible new culinary habits, not much is going on over here. i'm addicted to youtube, trying to make and stick to a reasonable budget, and thinking seriously about declaring bankruptcy. what the hell, i'm already a 31 year old with roommates who works at a grocery store, what else do i have to lose? fuck my credit score, it's already crazy-bad and i never want to buy a house so whatever. hmmph.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

i really am totally neurotic!

however, sometimes i just need to say things out loud and then i'm fine. there must be some sort of psychobabble term for that; verbal exorcism or some such thing. had a really nice talk and time with The Boy this afternoon, watched the debates on the internets, had nachos, made-out. in all, a good afternoon. my cheese class was awesome and i was reminded how much i really dig those other cheese-y kids. everyone is going through sucky, shitty times, we are all stressed and slightly unhappy, but in it together. cheese-y in more than one way. camaraderie is a nice feeling. plus i got some awesome parmesan knives. good, thick handles, perfect for scoring hard cheeses or shanking your prison yard enemy.

i might be sad and heartsick and freaked out about money but i'm not the only one and there's only so much i can do. even i get prune-y in the tub and have to get out sometime. i'm going to start by enjoying small things and drinking more tea and goofing off with maggie. (and trying to get The Boy to kiss me more often.)

and my dear bad penny, i am totally digging emily haines now. why didn't you mention her sooner? she reminds me a bit of cocorosie, as well as a band that i don't know if anyone else loved the way i did in the 90's, suddenly tammy! i think it's the piano that does it for me.

Monday, October 06, 2008

less nervous, just barely

i keep getting shitty news and it's bumming me out. it's totally harshing my vibes, kids. my grandmother, who i do no care for and who does not care for me, but who is still my goddamn grandma, is pretty sick. i mean, she is in her 80's and most of what's wrong with her is simply due to age, but it's gotten to the point where she needs some help. not moving-into-a-home help, but nurse-coming-by-every-day help. my grandfather passed away almost 20 years ago, and what little he left her is gone now, and then there's my good-for-nothing mooch of an uncle to take into account, and all this is bringing my mom down. of course she's helping out, as much as she can financially since grandma is over 3,000 miles away, but it's wearing on her. i'm wearing on her. having to babysit my niece on her days off is wearing on her. having a sick husband who is at times not the most charming or easy to live with man is wearing on her. three adults and a toddler crammed into 800 square feet is wearing on her. mom is tired, and rightly so.

she didn't tell me any of this until after i told her about my plan to move and get the fuck out of town. and while she's nothing but supportive of me, i can't help but feel like maybe now isn't the best time for me to start all over again. maybe what i want isn't the most important thing right now, and maybe i can start by taking one of my days off on the weekend so mom can actually, you know, relax. or zone out. or do dishes or laundry or cry in the bathtub (what? i think that's a perfectly reasonable day off activity, thankyouverymuch). i might not be close to my grandmother, but i am close to my mother and watching her go through all this is killing me. i feel like the world's most disappointing daughter, like there isn't enough i can do to help out, and am i really that pissed about the 12 year old stealing my face srub? god, i suck.

the only things keeping me sane are a little something i like to call benzo's, as well as cheese and cartoons and hearing maggie tell me over the phone that she is a burrito and would like a balloon, balloon, now please. i keep making and re-making plans, drawing out schematics in my head and crunching numbers and trying not to freak out on every and anyone who asks, "hey, how ya doin'?" i feel like i'm going to explode. POW!

now i'm going to go climb into my own bathtub, and try to relax because i just found out that tomorrow i have a cheese class at an ungodly hour. and by "ungodly" i mean "before noon." jesus, don't they know i'm not mrs. mary sunshine in the morning?

p.s. i got to see The Boy last night, only for a little while i was at work and he was doing homework, but it was nice. he's got a cute smile.

p.p.s. i still need to find a new place live. cheaper than $400 and not to crazy far away from work would be awesome. know anyone who needs a nerdy roommate?