maybe i'm premenstrual, maybe i'm adjusting to the fall gloom, maybe i'm just having a day, but lately i just feel so blah. sad and down around the mouth, missing my dad and the way things were before he died, wondering if i'll ever get a handle on this grief and start doing something beside stagnate ever again. i don't make anything, i could spend all day every day napping, and if it isn't salty or sweet i don't want to eat it. perhaps this irritation at the way things currently are means i'm going to shake myself out of it sooner rather than later, but honestly, right now i'm just annoyed with me and my life. i feel short tempered and then guilty about being snappish, tired and then restless. i want to go out, then i do and i hate it. i want to work when i'm at home, and when i'm at work i want to be home. i'm contrary and even i don't want to hear my bitching. i'm hoping that by just saying it out loud, writing it down, getting it out of my head might help. i know i'm wallowing in it, i know it's self-indulgent to even blog about it (but what is a blog but self-indulgence?), i just feel out of it. i really, honestly, miss my pop. i'm not trying to get sympathy, i'm not trying to milk it, it's just always there. at times more sharply than others. does it still hurt so bad because i hate crying about it and try not to? would it matter at all if i tried to cry it all out? i don't even know that's a possibility.

my relationship with my mom and sister are like entirely new creatures as well. i don't even feel like i have them to fall back on. i have this terrible feeling they don't like me any more than i do. on my birthday my sister didn't even bother calling, and my mother was annoyed with me and ended my phone call with an "okay, i'll talk to you later." never an "i love you" anymore. thanksgiving already feels like it's going to be tense and possibly unpleasant. i don't even know what they're going through, how i've offended, or if i even have; there's always the chance that our own individual griefs are just taking us in different directions. what's hard about that is i always thought i'd have them. i thought i would be able to talk to them and they would know what i was going through, i expected us to band together and face this head on together. like all things i have learned from tv, it's not what i thought it was. pop getting sick didn't mean we had deep talks about life and reconcile before he died. there were very few, if any, hallmark moments. the aftermath of his death is no different. my family isn't the same anymore. i know and understand that's normal, the rational part of my brain can do the math and see how natural this is, but it still hurts me in a way i could have never forseen.

this is all very one-sided, you know. what my mother and sister are going through are unknown to me. there's a good chance i'm so stuck in my own head, my own life, that i'm being a terrible sister and daughter. i know are there are things i could be doing to make this better, i know that not saying some of this out loud to them isn't healthy or constructive; but as much as i hurt now, i'm terrified of doing something that would permanently alter our relationship in a bad way. i don't want to risk losing them altogether, and at this point that feels like a very real possibility. it's just not a risk i'm willing to take. things aren't unbearable, things aren't great, i'm getting chubbier and sadder, but i'm not at rock bottom. for now that's going to have to cheer me up. that and andrew wk's tweets. damn, i love those things.

homebody

lately i am all about hanging out at the house. i have pretty much no stories to amuse you with, as all i do is cook and read and hang out. boring! to further my hermitude, i bought these portable mp3 speakers. it's a clever design; the speakers are set on the outside of a little hard-case, you unzip the case, plug your mp3 player in and turn it on, and you can listen to your music wherever. i use mine mainly for podcasts; i've been hooked on pseudopod for quite some time, but i've also fallen victim to the sister podcasts, escape pod and podCastle. wiretap is also a podcast on iTunes now, and we all know how much i love jonathan goldstein. in honor of fall, i'm also re-reading a whole lot of the little house books, and baking too many cookies. i try to pretend that the cookies are trial runs of things i might make for the holidays, but in reality it's just a reaction to the darkening days and rain. a house that's warm and smells of vanilla and cookie is infinitely more cheerful in the dark than one that smells like green salad. true story.

i'm a dick!

i haven't gone out of my way to talk to my sister since the whole "if my daughter isn't in your wedding you're dead to me" debacle. i haven't been a jerk when i've seen her (in fact, i think i've been quite nice!) but i don't call her and i try to just stay out of her way. my mother has noticed this, although aside from the initial "what the fuck?!" talk i had with her i haven't mentioned anything, but i think she's trying to use my birthday to make things better. she's an awesome mom, and i understand and support her, but honestly, i don't really want to play nice with my sister. she can make her deliver my birthday presents or not; i don't care. i don't much care for my birthday to begin with, not getting presents, and not getting them from my asshole sister, doesn't bother me.

it's not like i'm mad about the specifics anymore, but i feel like every time something like this happens i have to be the "good" sister, the one to smooth things over and make everything okay for everyone. i'm just kind of tired of that. she did something shitty, i told her she did something shitty, and i'm okay with us not being "besties" until she does something like (gasp!) apologize. i don't care if everyone worries if we're getting along, because honestly, when we're with mom, i can be as nice as i need to be. i love my niece, and i want to keep seeing her. family get-togethers should be fun and happy and nice for everyone involved, and i will always do my part to make sure there's no drama there. in my everyday, family life though, i'm okay with not talking to her a lot or going out of my way to hang out with my sister. she's made it clear time and time again that her priority is her, and that's fine. it just might not always be my priority.

becoming a pseudo-step-mom, losing my pop, and getting engaged this year definitely changed the way i see things. i'll always love my sister, and i'll always have a kidney for her or a shoulder to cry on, but i'm a lot less likely to be walked all over. i think that's okay. my birthday is going to be a fun, relaxed, low-key event this year; we're going to go see some dumb movie and eat egg rolls for dinner, and that sounds impossibly rad to me. if i get some presents, yay! if not, yay! if my sister wants to act like a grown-up and call me instead of sending some email, then awesome! if not, that's her thing. i'm sick of being forgiving. i'm sick of being the doormat. honestly? i think that's pretty healthy. although if you'll notice, i'm not so above all of this to not want to rant about it in public. :-) what can i say? this is all still new to me.

dinner tonight was awesome

easiest recipe for pork potstickers EVER:

2 cups ground pork (dave ground mine, it was a rough grind)
2 cups finely chopped cabbage (little pieces!)
2 green onions, also finely chopped
1 tsp minced/grated ginger (i used a piece about 3/4 of an inch long)
2 tbs soy sauce
1/4 to 1/2 tsp extra dark soy (i like the mushroom one!)*
1/4 tsp white pepper (or black if that's what you have)
1 tsp sesame oil

mix it up, pack into wrappers, and steam fry them. to do that, put a skillet with a lid on over med. high heat. add a tsp or two of neutral oil to the bottom; add potstickers then about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of water (how much depends on how big your skillet is!), cover it and don't open until they're done, about 7-9 mins. they should be browned on the bottom and soft on top. also, your meat should be cooked through, but you already knew that. you'll have to add more oil to your pan on occasion as you cook them. this is a version of this recipe, but i add more onion and am not picky about what kind of cabbage i use. i am also not good at making the dough, and instead just buy mine. hsiao-ching chou's recipes are always steller, and while she worked for the seattle pi i'd pretty much try anything she recommended. i miss her column, it was my favorite thing about the wednesday food section.

*if you don't have this, no big deal. i buy it at the asian market, it has a deeper, more concentrated flavor than regular soy, and adds a little punch to just about anything you put regular soy in. it's too dark to use as a straight substitute for soy in most recipes, though. add a little and you can always add more, add too much and dinner is ruined.

good morning, sunshine

sure, it's the middle of the afternoon now, but i can't help that i still feel like morning. i think it's the cup of coffee in my hand and the fact that it hasn't brightened up all day. while i love the fall, and the leaves changing color and the chill that makes a day spent inside seem totally okay, i admit i could do without it getting darker. that's what made fall in colorado so awesome; cool enough to start hibernating, but not dark and dour outside.

this head cold i caught from the kids is making me miserable. it went right into my sinuses first, causing terrible head pain, and now it's in my lungs. awesome! it burns when i breathe. it hurts when i cough. i'm giving myself shaken baby syndrome with the coughing. at the moment, my dear man is out getting some goldenseal to help with the expectoration. i'm certain that everyone wanted to hear about my mucous today, sorry! i just feel lousy, and we all know i am a whiny baby when i don't feel good.

i felt bad enough to take two days off work (!!!), meaning i'm on day four of staying at home. it's like a vacation, albeit snottier. i wish i felt better and could do something more productive than sit on the couch whining or napping. although i did finish a book, introduce the boychild to his first zombie movie, watch a goth opera with him, carve pumpkins, and make a few quiches. i guess i haven't been entirely useless.

i'm also all about putting glitter on various gourds. good times. i suppose i should go take a shower or at least brush my teeth, and pretend to be a grown-up.

adios, twinkie

it seems every time a person turns around there's some new apocalypse ready to take down humanity (like the year 2000, bird flu, solar eclipses, zombies rising), and right now people seemed freaked out by swine flu and the year 2012. granted, swine flu is about as bad as the "regular" flu, and even the mayans don't buy the year 2012 being the end of the world, but planning for disaster is one of my favorite guilty pleasures. we all know my love of sites that let you prepare for emergency by storing big barrels of raw red wheat and MRE's, and how i try to have a few cans of spam and bottles of water around just in case. with that in mind, i reveal to you the foods i will miss when society crumbles:

• crunchy cheetos. not the puffed ones, those suck. how can two foods supposedly be from the same family and be so different? the puffy cheeto is an abomination.
• snickers bars. i don't often eat a whole candy bar, but when i do, i like a snickers bar.
• marzipan chocolate bars, like the ritter sport. sure, i said i don't eat a lot of candy bars, then listed two back to back. it's just thinking about snickers bars made me think of those dark chocolate squares of almondy goodness that are ritters! so sue me.
• moons over my hammy, from denny's. anyone can put ham and scrambled egg and processed cheese on toast, sure, but no one does it like denny's.
• slushies. specifically red ones.
• red vines! oh my burned-out-shell-of-a-city/kingdom for a tub of red vines.
• microwave popcorn or jiffy pop. fake butter is somehow more buttery when it's on popcorn. how does that work?
• doritos. more artificial cheesey goodness. let's throw in frito's while we're here, specifically the chili cheese ones. they make your breath smell bad, but they are delightful.
• pretty much any kind of chicken strip or nugget you get from a fast-food joint or grocery store. if you have to eat white meat from a chicken, it should be deep fried, crunchy on the outside and dip-able.
• hot wings!!!! when the world runs out of frank's hot sauce, it will be a dark day for humanity.
• ranch dressing. i'm sure you can make it yourself, but it's not the same. you know it, i know it, hidden valley makes millions based on that fact alone.

what will you miss?

7 layer hair dip

i got a haircut this weekend. everyone at work was getting these cute little bobs, or new highlights, or bangs, and i realized the other day that my hair looked like it came out of 1975. which would be all fine and dandy if i came from 1975 too, but alas, i'm a bit younger than that. a few weeks ago, after school started, i took the girlchild to a hair place that i had a coupon for, not expecting much more than for someone to things up, but the girl who did the haircut was actually great. she gave M these adorable layers, and even when she doesn't brush it, her hair looks cute. lucky for me, that same hairdresser was in this weekend and she not only gave me some layers, but she blew it out and used a straightener on it. it's not too short, it feels all thick and bouncy, and for two days i had the hottest hair on earth. then i washed it.

it's still super cute, don't get me wrong, but at heart i am a lazy girl. i think about buying a hair straightener, i even look up inexpensive ceramic plated ones and sprays to protect my hair against the heat. this week i've been using hair product when i get out of the shower and admiring how my hair doesn't just lay there anymore, but i know soon i'll be back to only combing it once a day after my shower and pinning it back when it annoys me. this week, though, i continue to be cuter than normal, and who knows? maybe this time, i'll get serious about my hair.

(more good news: the hairdresser said she didn't see any lines from the black dye, or any root grow-out! i thought after i stopped using the black dye in may that at some point i would have to have it stripped and taken back to my natural color, but it turns out my natural color is still really close to black and i only have four or five grey hair which are easily pluckable. hooray!)