Sunday, April 30, 2006

six months

tomorrow will mark my sixth month in colorado. half a year! i was writing a letter to a friend today and i remarked that sometimes it feels like i just got here, and sometimes it feels like i've been here a lot longer. six months comes as a bit of a surprise either way.

i'm glad i made the move. the last few weeks have felt really comfortable to me, i can navigate through town without thinking, i've got a grocery store i really like and i'm not surprised when i wake up in the morning. there were times even in the last few months really where i would wake up confused, thinking i was still in my subterranean apartment in seattle. i can wander through the apartment at night to get a glass of water without turning on any lights, and that's what i always think of when i think of feeling at home. i still haven't found a chinese restaurant that i'm wild about, and the thai food in fort collins sucks, but other than that i have no real complaints.

i feel like i'm making friends well enough, which is harder when you aren't in school. making friends in college is effortless, because you're surrounded by kids who are doing basically the same thing you are. you're all doing the same thing, having mainly the same experiences, and you bond over it without even thinking. life outside of school for me wasn't hugely different, but then again, i moved to a town i was already familiar with and where i already knew people. this move was markedly different, and put me in a brand new place with no one i knew outside of my roommate, without the benefit of school to introduce me to new people. it's actually kind of fun. it's also painfully nerve-wracking sometimes, but for the most part it's okay.

i still love the scenery of colorado. the long, straight stretches of road, the mountains, the giant sky. when you're driving in the sun and can see rain clouds far off ahead i'm really happy. colorado is the polar opposite of where i grew up; dryer, browner, flatter than home, but so lovely in its own way. when i feel unsure of myself and the move i made, all i have to do is take a drive and i instantly feel better.

i miss my family and friends more than i thought i would. which is worth mentioning because i expected to be just overwhelmed with homesickness, and i was, but more so. i definitely had moments where i decided i was totally fucking crazy and needed to go home now. i still miss them, and part of me really wanted to go home for vacation next month. at the same time i'm finally feeling comfortable here, and i don't want to upset that. once i become a real employee at the company (which hasn't happened yet because there's a hiring freeze going on) i'll get vacation time right away, and i'll use that to go home. by then i'll be more settled, and going home won't make me feel unsure of myself. my parents mean well, and i know they love me, but it's hard not to think maybe they're right when they tell me i should just come home.

would i do it all over again? sure. it's amazing how a big move can sort of put into focus all the things that are actually important to you. i feel confident about myself in a way i didn't before. i don't feel weird answering the question "what brought you out here?" with a shrug anymore. who knows why i did it, but i'm happy. i live in a pretty state, i have a job with co-workers i like, i get to see sun almost every day, and i did something i never thought i'd have the guts to do. it's a weird and wonderful thing.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


i have taken a lot of bad photos of myself, but this has got to be the worst. at the same time, this is basically exactly how i felt this morning getting up for work, so i like it. i know i'm not always this pasty and unhappy looking, anyhow.

the thing is i went to bed around midnight and woke up at four a.m. when i say "woke up" i mean "eyes-flying-open-awake-awake." my head was hurting, due to the mysterious forces of womanhood*. that's all fine and dandy; i'm perfectly okay with the way my body revolts and turns against me for a few days a month, i know that being mad about it doesn't help, but did it have to show up last night? you know, the night before i had to be at work at 8:30? i mean, it couldn't have waited a measley two or three hours to ambush me?

denver was interesting. as predicted i got insanely lost, ended up driving around the capitol building four hundred times, found the sleaziest part of town, and happened to stumble upon a great asian market. it was a total fluke, i'm telling you. i couldn't find my own ass in that town. on my way home, i stopped and bought one of those ridiculous laminated city maps so that next time i'll have something easy to reference while driving in circles. i had fun getting lost, and sort of looking around and finding miso soup packets (although no fresh hom bao, sadly), but next time i'll be better prepared. i always need one time in a new city to get lost, and feel sort of freaked out by the newness of it before i feel settled. next time i might try to rope my roommate into going down as well, since she knows the city better than i do and might have some fun places to go check out. i've also really liked boulder both times i've been there, i should go down there and get good and lost too. the weirdest thing about fort collins is that there aren't a whole lot of fun second-hand bookstores or even mixed bookstores; there just seem to be a lot of barnes and nobles. i like barnes and nobles well enough (i mainly love the magazine section), but what i like about a good used bookstore is the randomness of it; just wandering around and finding cool things that you've never even thought about. then again, i just might not be looking hard enough here.

i'm going to go watch a movie about shakers now and lie on my bed. whoo!

oh my god! look what i found in denver! i will be going back sooner rather than later. i had no idea that place even existed until i poked through my new map.

*yeah, that's right, i get headachey before my period. it's actually fairly common for women who get migraines to get headaches around that time every month. we are so lucky!

Friday, April 28, 2006

field trip!

i'm going to denver today. i'm totally doing it. you know i've lived her for six months, and have yet to go to the big city. which means i haven't been to denver in over a year and a half. that's pretty ridiculous.

i've made a tenative list of places i want to check out, but nothing too set-in-stone, mainly because i'm pretty sure at some point i'm going to get lost. it's inevitable, my sense of direction is lousy. i have a few mapquest maps printed out, i've got an atlas in my car, my mp3 player loaded up with stuff to listen to, and my favorite shirt on. i'm ready to go!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

i'm going on vacation, y'all

my plans are as follows:
  • barbequed goodness.
  • lots of photo-taking.
  • beer!
  • sun.
  • boats.
  • art.
  • more beer and barbeque.
  • oh! and margaritas.
i plan on saying "y'all" all the time, until it gets annoying, and then i will probably still say it a few more times. it's hard for me to think of texas without a few y'all's.

i have tomorrow off, and i want to go to denver and visit this art gallery. then i found out they're having an art opening that day, and that makes me nervous. it's one thing to go to a gallery alone, but openings and parties make me antsy. why? because i'm crazy.

i'd also like to hunt down denver's china town and try to get myself a hom bao. i need some pillowy bao goodness. and if possible, some ducky goodness. does anyone know where chinatown in denver is?

p.s. i'm dork. i got so excited about vacation i forgot to tell you where i'm going. i'm going to austin, texas! whoo!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


i swear i ordered this about two days ago. i saw it in a photo, i did a quick google-search (which is funny, because i honestly didn't know that google owned blogger), found it, and bought it all in the span of about five minutes. that i was on my doorstep tonight amazed me.

i'm happy i made the move over to blogger. for years i'd had a typepad account, and that first year was great. the service was amazing, the price was reasonable, and if i had a problem someone helped me with it. all that changed the last year i was there, though, and i found that i was paying for a service that didn't always work, and all the helpful folks seemed to be gone. more disappointing than that, though, was leaving and not getting so much as a "don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out" response. if you use typepad and have had better service, i say yay for you! but personally, i found at the end i was more frustrated than not. blogger may not always be working, but it's always free. while it took a while for me to figure out the basics of coding a page, i'm glad i moved because i never would have learned over at typepad. i might have to work a bit more to get thing the way i want them to look over here, but it's worth it.
emer'gen-c and black tea. hello, awake!

today work was super slow and boring, except for the part where the really cute sawyer comes in before close and i get to spend half an hour talking about music and beer with him. he smelled like wood-fires and the outdoors, and had a handlebar mustache. he was young and blonder and thinner than i normally like, but so charming and cute. i had to stay at work late, but it was totally worth it.

i have to go cut my hair now. my bangs are approaching a dangerous xena length. what works for her, does not work for me.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

of tetherballs, meat, and bills

I am a tetherball!
Find your own pose!

Tetherball Traits and Tendencies: Tetherball is the pose of perfect compromise, the oasis of a full-contact sleeper coupled with a solitary sleeper. The pose allows the Pole (the solitary one) a free range of movement, while the tight self-embrace of the Ball (the full-contact one) supplies the necessary crowded closeness. Both sides win!

Comfort Zone: The Tetherball is part of the Wood sleepers family. Other Wood poses you might try include Pillow Talk, Pillow Listen and Stairway.

Note: A series of small hip pats (called "bubbles") from the Pole infuses the Ball with reassuring feelings of closeness without triggering the Pole's delicate sense of claustrophobia.

when you take an internet quiz and it's scarily dead-on, does that mean you are easy to figure out or does it mean it's a really good quiz? although i will admit that if i don't do the hip pat, i do the foot-touch. it's like holding hands, only with your feet.

i actually did some cooking today, and look! i am not the only one! i made an easy version of beef burgundy, which was delish but maybe could have used another twenty minutes to make the beefy bits more tender. i was hungry, though, so i ate it. it was nice to do some actual cooking. like kc i've been eating mainly sandwiches and whatever i can get from take-out. the other night my dinner actually comprised of a coconut nest, a few panda-shaped shortbread cookies, and a few sticks of pocky. nutrition in the form of chocolately goodness! or rather, non-nutrition.

the other afternoon i was talking to my sister and making fun of jackasses who come into the store all the time complaining about their phones being turned off, but when i look i see they haven't paid their bill. there's this one particularily methed-out couple who will come in and put ten dollars on the bill a few times a week, and the other day they came in pissed and when i looked i saw not only was their bill late, but had never actually been paid in full. the boyfriend had a few $100 bills in his hand, and he gave me forty while talking to someone on the phone about picking up tina later. dude, you can bitch about your bill all you want but don't do it while buying crystal meth in front of me. and complaining about the bill while you refuse to pay it is retarded.

of course, i completely forgot to pay my cellphone bill last month. i realized this yesterday when i got the bill and it seemed insanely high and i thought, "dammit! i'm like meth-heads!" only my bad skin is actually better than theirs. i kind of wanted to call my cell phone carrier and apologize, i felt like such an ass. i promise i'm not on meth! i'm just stupid!

i also caught an episode of the venture brothers the other night on the cartoon network. i hardly ever see it, but i love it. why isn't it on more often? it's great.

Monday, April 24, 2006

my pores are so big you can drive a truck into them

i took approximately one million photos to get these three, and every single one i looked at made me wish i had smaller pores. the pores on my nose look insane. my skin has been so bad lately, and while it's getting better, it's still not great and that makes me want to kill myself. it would be different if i could cover my skin up with make-up, but that only makes it worse and as much as i hate my skin now, i would hate it ten thousand times more if it got any worse. i'm trying some new skin-care regiment that's one step below going to a department store and shelling out big bucks, which is helping contain the outbreaks but is also making my skin feel tight and shiny. i can't think of anything that should feel that way, but it seems to be working so i'm going to give it a few more weeks. this was quite possibly the most self-absorbed-jackass paragraph i've ever written. go me!
i feel all sorts of self-conscious today, though, so i doubt any photo i took of myself would make me happy. i wore all the wrong underwear today; underpants that kept going where underpants shouldn't and a bra that kept pinching me. it's one thing to put on one undergarment with an attitude, but two? too much. but my new glasses? they are very cute, and they do make me happy. although taken together, they might not look so very different to you. you might be looking at them thinking, "good going einstein, two pairs of the same glasses in different colors." to which i would say, "look again, jerkface! they are similar and yet still different." no, i take that back. i would never call you a jerkface.
these black and pink ones were the ones i struggled with the most. i mean, they are indeed pink back there, and i try to shy away from black frames (especially thick ones) because with my dark eyebrows* and hair i can get to looking pretty severe. like here. i actually didn't even know what i looked like in them until today, because you know, without my glasses on i can't see and i had to get real close to the mirror to even see them and then i couldn't see how they looked on the rest of my face too well. when i put them on at the eye doctor's today i was relieved to see they looked as cute as i thought they might, and i was glad i bought a pair outside my comfort zone. the brown ones are fairly similar to the ones i wear a lot now, but they're smaller and have this cute little overlay on top that makes me sort of cat-eye shaped without being too obvious.

the prescription is new though, and right now, my eyes are a little hurty and my head is too. i got a lot of work done on my purple scarf tonight at my knitting group, tonight i think i might try to work harder on the munch stencil and go to bed early. maybe tomorrow i'll have better luck picking out underwear that doesn't try to strangle me, and i'll write a post a little les me! me! me!

*i feel like all i talk about lately are my eyebrows and how damn they're big but i like them and can't honestly imagine myself taking them down to thin lines. i already feel oppressed by the tyranny of the two eyebrows (some of us only grow one and keeping it split in two is hard work. it's like dividing a country that wants to be together, or separating conjoined twins who really enjoy each other's company.), and how much more work can people possibly expect me to do? fuck, i already have enough to pluck, no more please!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

bleeding money

but not necessarily in a bad way. i mean, the biggest purchase i've made since moving here (outside of bills!) has been buying new glasses. i admit i do this about once a year, when i find a good sale. i feel okay spending money on glasses for a few reasons, the main one being that wearing them directly affects the way i look (and see) on a daily basis. even when i was a kid and we were broke as a joke, mom always let me pick out whatever glasses i wanted because as she put it, "it's your face, and you have to look at it every day." it's the one thing i don't feel guilty spending money on.

then i found out through minnie that they make blogger sweatshirts. blogger sweatshirts. i bought one, in brown. i am dorky enough to think this is going to be just about the greatest item of clothing i'll ever own.

and it was time i invested in a full-length slim cessna cd. so i did.

i also needed sock yarn, obviously, even though i have yet to actually finish knitting a pair of socks.

i also bought six cartons of yogurt today, too. however, you have to admit that's a fairly reasonable thing to buy. especially when you eat it every day for breakfast.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


i don't think i should actually be allowed to watch more than four hours of the godfather in a row. as much as i love the corleone's, i get all frowny after watching too much mob drama. frowny leads to headache-y and then! i realize i've wasted a huge chunk of my one day off watching mobsters kill each other and kvetch about the family and i always get so sad when michael tells fredo, "you broke my heart," and i know everyone hates the godfather III but i cry when mary dies every time.

my glasses weren't done today (they weren't sure if they would be or not) so no photos for you tonight. i can say that my new frames are ultra-cute, one pair being a very sensible daily choice and the other are more "let's go out!" glasses. one word for you about them: pink. don't laugh, wait until you see them! these new glasses will bring the total count to four regular pairs of glasses, and one pair of sunglasses. when you wear them every day, you get sort of sick of looking the same. also, i've noticed that hardly any optical stores actually have people there who wear glasses. it's weird to talk so someone about frames when they don't even wear them.

i had a million things i wanted to do today before being sidetracked by the corleone's, and other than the glasses the only thing i got done was buying a boat-load of sunscreen. the one thing anne told me about living someplace at a high altitude and with so much sun was use sunscreen. i don't want to be wrinkly before i have to be, and i'm not a huge fan of cancer, so i did some stocking up. i bought a sunscreen for my face, a sunscreen for the rest of me, and a sunscreen stick so i can carry it in my purse without risk of it spilling it all over everything. i am now officially ready for the sun.
i've gotten nothing done today because stupid amc is having a godfather marathon all day today. back-to-back films, one, two and three. i'm powerless against the charms of the corleone family.

i did pick out new glasses today, though. i will have them soon, but until i can show you a photo of them you will just have to wait to see how cute they are.


Friday, April 21, 2006


throw your hands in the air, and wave them like you just don't care! it sounds ridiculous, but i'm super-ultra-mega excited about having my first day off in five. there's something about usually working a few days on, and then getting a random day off, that makes a five day week seem inordinately long. on my way home i stopped by the liquor store to pick up a gift for my roommate's birthday (seriously. i could think of nothing better to get him than spiced rum. i am a loser.) and thought i should get something nice for me too. i've been so curious about the coppola vineyard's sparkling wine, sofia, that i decided to try it out.

dear diary, i love sparkling wines. especially on hot days when there's all this sun and i'm in the mood for something light and pretty. sofia isn't the most amazing sparkling wine i've ever had, but it is delicious and anything i can do to be more like sofia i'll take. it's true, i'm not cool enough to pretend i don't adore her; she made lost in translation after all, and say what you will about godfather III, but i love her. what always amazes me about her is how beautiful she is and isn't at the same time. that's the quality that drives most of my affection, the ability to be both not attractive and totally attractive at the same time. marky mark, for instance. he's sort of monkey-faced and yet i'd sell my mother for three minutes of bliss with him. plus, she makes such pretty movies, and she got bill murray to sing more than this which made me cry the first time i saw it*. i'm not saying that sofia isn't pretty, she is, but she isn't a lollipop girl and i love that she does more than just buy expensive handbags.

i also have the night alone in the apartment and i might order a pizza. this pleases me in a way i used to reserve for nights out or good dates, which makes me worry that i'm becoming a crazy cat lady, but whatever. if you lived closer i'd make you go out for drinks, and until i meet kids that like to go out this will have to do.

*i might have had pms, and i might not have. you'll never get to me to tell.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


there's this boy that works next door to me. ever since the first time i saw him, i've thought he was sort of cute. not insanely cute, not the sort of cute that i would throw myself at, but everytime i'd see him i'd think something along the lines of "awww..." he's about my height, doesn't have a lot of hair on his head, but a good beard, a nice face and seems sort of laid-back. i have a wee crush on him, nothing serious, but i kind of like seeing him every day. plus, he works at the burrito place, which means if we get friendly i might get free burritos.

there's this car in the parking lot most days i'm at work. it's a blue thing, not quite an suv, not quite a mini-van or station wagon, but bigger than a normal car. it's covered in bumper stickers of the hippie variety; a dancing bear, a "war is bad for children and other living things," some animal stickers, and from the rear mirror hangs a rainbow-colored lei. personally, i have two stickers on my car, and even i think that's too many. this car, it has at least twenty. for months i've wondered who drives this car and how they can be so ridiculous. in my head i always make fun of this car when i see it, and lately there's been one bumper sticker in particular that just cracks me up. "keep tahoe seductive." um, okay. i had no idea places could be seductive, and honestly? out of all the words i'd use to describe a place, that's one adjective on the bottom of my list. i mock this sticker every time i see it. i make jokes in my head about making out with towns, and wonder what kind of moron puts a bumper sticker like that on their car. i mean really, what the fuck does that mean*?

you know where this is going right? the cute boy who works next door drives this car. of course he does! i can't even have a half-hearted crush on him now because he wants to keep tahoe seductive and i want to barf. he has a million bumper stickers on his car, and i have two. he probably doesn't even eat burritos. crushes are so much better when you know nothing about the other person.

*it gets worse. evidently the sticker is in reference to blue turtle seduction, a (gag) bluegrass jam band. oh god, i feel so dirty.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

oh my god, it's only wednesday

sometimes when i come home from work i turn on the computer and practically throw myself at it, hoping it will make me feel better. it does, although even if i feel like blogging right away i can't, or won't, because it's all workworkwork, and who the hell cares? even i care less when i'm not there. but lately it creeps into my thoughts at inopportune times, like last night at 1:44 a.m. (i know what time it was because i checked) when i woke straight up from a dream because i was sure i'd forgotten to do something small at work. my brain can't stop with the work because it doesn't know what to do with itself, and because honestly, there isn't anything else as big as it to distract me. maybe i need a nice crush or debilitating illness to focus on. or a really good idea for something. which! i did sort of have the other night too.

today was full of cossacks, one of whom we actually threw out of the store. lately within the first fifteen to twenty minutes of work someone comes in and yells at me, freaking out over something dumb (and something usually their fault) and today i was lucky enough to be yelled at by a crazy old lady missing a finger. the whole time she's yelling and telling me she knows she paid her bill i'm looking at her hand thinking, "i wonder how she lost that?" or else i was looking at the corners of her very dry eyes wondering if i'm going to look super-squinty when i get my crow's feet. my eyes aren't that big to start with, and i'm sure wrinkles are bound to make them look even smaller. i also thought long and hard about all the old ladies who hate me, and wondered why it is i invoke such rage in any woman over the age of sixty. you think i'm joking, but my own grandmother doesn't like me, which is just the tip of the very wrinkly iceberg.

i came home and found mom had done my after-easter-candy-shopping for me. i'm an asshole sometimes, but my mom likes me at least. which surprises me at times, because i'm not always so easy to get along with. ask any old lady, they'll agree.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

why, oh why am i not miranda july?

i don't make enough stuff, i don't do enough stuff, and my hair isn't curly enough! the things i love make me feel ridiculously inferior, like i'm not doing enough of anything. i'm going to make a spinny wheel tonight with chores on them and work on something new every day. or at least something random. the end.

no wait! not the end! good news over here! if you could do a little dance, that would be great. also, i made that shirt.

i am in a really bad mood

i don't know why exactly, but i felt fussy and frowny all day long, which always makes me feel awful because i don't want anyone at work to think i'm mad at them. plus, i'm always worried if i have an "off" day they'll decide i'm horrible with customers and need to be sent home. like forever. the idea of that both thrills me and makes me want to cry. i like my job, but sometimes i don't love the customers, and i'm getting better at dealing with them every day, but i still have days. like today. there's nothing i can do about it now, though, so i'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea and maybe have a vitamin* and call it good.

i have this theory that law & order triggers the same response in my brain as knitting, because if i put it on i knit like a fiend. like lightening! there is something about law & order that makes me not just want to knit, but i actually knit a bit better and faster. it's my knitting steriods, i guess. i haven't done hardly any embroidery this week, which is dumb because i have one little part of a project to finish to put in the mail, and some stuff i need to work on to send to a store. must get motivated! but i want to make stripey socks!

*dude, if tom cruise says vitamins can cure what ails you, who am i to argue? vitamins it is! xenu commands it!

Monday, April 17, 2006


living three miles from work has some definite advantages, the main one being lunch at home. the second best is "oh i forgot ____, i'll go home and get it" and that only takes a few minutes. the worst thing is that if i do any shopping near or around work (and my house!) after work, then i end up seeing more than my fair share of customers. at the grocery store, in my fantastic black work polo i find myself looking a little too hard at people with that familiar "hey, don't i know you?" feeling, only to realize i've looked a little too long and now must look away! i'm totally recognizable! pleasepleaseplease don't ask me anything about cell phones because i'm not at work and if i'm not getting paid to talk about them i don't want to even think about them! oh hey, that tapioca package is totally engrossing, i'll just look intently over here for a minute. i should shop farther away from home.

work on sock attempt number 2 is going well. it's all ribbed and cute, and honestly i think with such charming yarn there isn't too much i can do to mess these up.

people also keep giving me the sort of good news that it totally secret and while i'm all "yay! good for you!" i'm also sort of "boo!" for secrecy. unless of course i'm the one keeping my own secret, in which case i'm all "yay!" for keeping pie holes shut. "boo" and "yay;" the only two words you ever need to teach toddlers. remind me of that when maggie starts talking. i want to see how long she can get by in the world utilizing two words, maybe three if you count "yo." when tiernan was little and he would say it i practically jumped up and down for joy. my little tow-headed sunshine boy saying "yo" was just about the best thing ever. i have to say sometimes i miss his littleness, his baby face, but then he says these things he's thought up on his own and i'm glad he's growing up. he get's funnier every day. he can get bigger, as long as he doesn't do it too quickly.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

it's official

i hate holidays. i think this is the third sign of becoming an adult; right after worrying about oil changes and deciding to buy the lite beer.



today is easter and all i've done all day is watch old episodes of degrassi junior high. degrassi is quite possibly my favorite teen television show of all time, even over my so-called life (which i loved as a teenager). degrassi was the first teen television show i ever watched, on pbs back in the day. i've even watched episodes of degrassi: the next generation so i can see joey jeremiah all grown up. degrassi was different from most american teen television shows in that the kids weren't polished or even great actors, they were basically as awkward and weird as real teenagers. as much as i loved my so-called life, you couldn't possibly expect me to believe angela chase was anything but pretty, and her awkwardness was fairly dramatic. degrassi had grit. plus, it's canadian and that makes any and everything better. i blame degrassi for my intense desire to move to canada and have kids with cute accents who call me "mum."

i'm also trying a different sock pattern, having ripped out the first sock i started. it seemed wonky, and i knew that even if i finished it i wouldn't wear it. plus i'd made some changes to the pattern and didn't write them down, so i wasn't even sure if i could make it a mate. i hate ripping things out, but oddly enough, i hate it less than i do finishing work (like mattress stitch or kitchener!).

p.s. here is the start of my new sock. ribbing isn't fantastically sexy, but it is useful and sturdy and i like how it makes vertical stripes over the horizontal ones.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

sofa king bored

jesus, the schedule for the last two days at work has been retarded. last night there were only two of us the last few hours to close, tonight there were four of us closing. and five sales reps scheduled today when we have four cash registers. add to that the fact that it's been super boring at work lately (holidays keep people out of our way) and you have a girl who is fairly stupefied with boredom.

i got my tax refund yesterday! out of all the kids at work i filed last and got my return first, which just goes to show you that filing on-line is your friend. i have a million different things i want to do with all the money including but not limited to:
  • buying this expensive cephalopod book.
  • getting a cephalopod tattoo (you know it's inevitable).
  • buying a plane ticket for my vacation.
  • going crazy at kid robot.
  • buying tons of books for maggie, who does not yet know the joy of yum yum dim sum.
  • more yarn from knitPicks. i'm toying with the idea of dying some sock yarn and then making mom a pair of socks for christmas (she wears a lot of clogs, so she'd be able to see them all day!).
  • these shoes. i mean, i could justify this one, because they'd be perfect work shoes. plus they would make me want to get better at sock knitting so i could show them off.
  • i also love these earrings with the red stars on them. they are on sale too, which makes them extra tempting.
  • i could break down and pay a ridiculous amount of money for tickets to see ween and the flaming lips. i want to not have to pay out the ass for that, but i have this feeling the show would be so fun, it might be worth paying a scalper. that goes against everything i believe, though.
so far i've done nothing with the money except buy lunch at work two days in a row, which for me is scandalous. oh wait, i did use a chunk of it to pay for my car insurance. and in all honesty, i'll probably use the bulk of it to pay off some credit card debt. i have one card i can pay all the way off, and another that i can make a dent in. i need to start putting some money back in my savings account as well; before i know it my student loans are going to start back up again and the lease in this apartment only goes through august. there's a good chance i'll need to move (again) but this time only in-town so it won't be so god-awful expensive. i look at my bank account and see all the things i could buy, then think of all the things i should pay off or save for, and there's a fight in my brain about which one will win.

i know responsible me will win out over let's-go-shopping me, but sometimes i wish i were a little less practical. or had less guilt about money.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

ridiculous beauty

it was about eighty degrees today. 80. that's kind of rare in western washington, and basically never happens this early in the year. 80! it was beautiful. warm and sunny and being at work was like being smacked about the head for eight hours straight. it was amazing. i love spring here! i came home after stopping by the grocery store (where i made a mad dash; i accidently parked in the "fifteen minutes only" zone so i had to get in and get out), watered my seeds and new jasmine bush, and played with the cat a bit. did i mention it is really pretty outside? it was extremely boring at work, but i'm not even going to go into that because it is so nice out.

that's all i have. boring but nice!

ooh, i was in a really good mood but then i heard about this and am sad i'll be missing it. the graffiti in fort collins leaves something to be desired; i miss parskid!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

i had two good hours

for two whole hours today my head didn't hurt! it came back, but i got lot done while i was feeling better. i baked my lemon sugar snap cookies, which turned out beautifully. just the right blend of lemon and butter and sugar. i'm bringing them to work tomorrow, because they made a lot. they are delicious, though. i sort of want to hoard them for myself.

i also weeded the little patio to the side of the apartment, although while i was out i forgot to pick up a lawn bag to put all the weeds in. right now they are in a big ugly stack, but i'll get them taken care of soon enough. i went to home depot and found a pretty jasmine plant; out of all the plants i left behind when i moved i miss that one the most. i also got some herb seeds and made a teeny windowsill garden. i'm hoping to grow a lot of basil this summer; the sun here should be great for that. it was hard to grow in seattle, either way too much rain or not enough, and hardly ever enough sun. right now i'm only growing basil, chives and flat leaf parsley, but that's what i use most of to begin with. i'm not much of a green thumb, but i do like to try.


i swore i wasn't going to start anything new until i finished the green blankie, but ever since i bought this yarn i've been wanting to knit with it. all told, i have six projects on needles, two of which are thisclose to being done, but i hate finishing work so they've languished. i promise i won't start anything new until i get all these things done, but really? six projects doesn't seem that insane to me. seven is a totally different story.
this is going to be a christmas gift anyhow, and the pattern isn't hard so much as it's time-consuming, so better to start sooner rather than later. the scarf in the photo for this pattern was variagated so the chevron pattern was a lot more pronounced, but even without the dramatic striping i like the texture a lot. i'm going to do a few more rows and then decide if i'm going to keep on with it. i have a feeling i will.

i've had a headache now for two whole days. it's because i'm not sleeping, i know it, but it's better to not sleep and get headache-y when i'm not at work so i'm just taking some aspirin and hoping for the best. my brain will only let me sleep on my own for four or five hours, and then it wakes me up and riots all day because it's tired. stupid brain! i'm trying to only take the sleeping pills when i have to; take them too often and they don't work as well. i feel pretty yucky, but i'm determined to get on with my day and get stuff done. i have cookies to bake and a fun box of stuff to send to my favorite boy.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

super productive

a new design for baby clothes. i've been thinking about cupcakes a lot lately, it was only a matter of time before i embroidered one on something.
for easter my mom got me this book. i made the lemon sugar snap cookie batter today; tomorrow i will bake it! they have to chill, and i'm not in a huge rush. the batter smelled so good while i was making it; full of lemon zest and juice. the scent actually reminded me of portuguese sweet bread, the kind my mom used to make every year for easter. next weekend i'll make that too.
last night was the first time in a few weeks i'd picked up and worked on my baby blanket. the pattern is getting easier for me to remember, and i worked on it some more this afternoon too.

i also ran a few errands and got some other stuff done. good times.

Monday, April 10, 2006

9 hours to bliss

want to hear something funny? i called mom tonight to bitch about my day, and out of nowhere she asked how my "love life" is doing. frankly, it's not. i don't go out that much, and my line of work mainly puts me in contact with people who are mad and jerks. dating? um, no. she told me she's going to do a nine hour novena for me. if you have a catholic mom, you know exactly the reaction this elicits: equal parts guilt and annoyance. what the hell. as if i don't feel enough like a loser, mom's doing a novena for me! whoo!

i'll never date again. this must be a sign from god.

i swear this is not actually complaining!

but my skin, it is mad. it is a frightening, pimply mess. i need help. i think part of the problem is my unusual sleeping habits, which i'm working on, and partly i should be drinking more water (and i am! honest!). another aspect is this new dry weather; the products i have i bought when i lived someplace considerably wetter. i don't think they're enough, and sometimes they're also too much. or something. in any case, nothing seems to help. i've gotten my skin to dry out a bit, but now, of course, it's too dry. recommendations? these are the products i'm using right now:
i'm making sure i use a sunscreen every day, but damn. my skin is awful and i need some advice on how to fix it.

also, work got better. not great, but better. one woman actually apologized for being an asshole, and that made my day. i felt bad about snippy with M, and i apologized to him too. he knew i wasn't mad, but he gets worried when i get frustrated, and honestly? that makes me want to hug him. even if the fruitcake gets his eyebrows waxed at lunch. i'm going to go have a drink now! goodnight!


hi! i'm only home for three more minutes, i came by to pick up my knitting, because i'd forgotten it and tonight i actually get out of work in time to go to my little knitting group. but! i wanted to stop in and say, today has been fucking awful. miserable! dreadful! full of small, petty, miserable people who have taken to yelling at me. it happens that way with everyone of course; once you get one mad customer, the rest line up and wait for you because you're already used to it. M said i was getting snippy and i protested, saying i was just sort of frustrated and he knows i love him, but then i realized i probably was being snippy because that's how i act when i'm frustrated. knot up my brow, purse my lips, and say everything in that steely "it's time i ripped your head off" sort of way. i don't want to be that girl, and i'm not really, but today has been a trial. i feel better having just said that out loud, though. and no matter what happens, i was getting paid while getting yelled at so they can all just shove it.

whew. that was a mouthful. i'm back to work now, see you later tonight when i'll say something nice for a change.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

small things

not doing much. watching a little svu*, thinking more about getting off my ass and buying printer ink, working on lots of baby clothes. i just found out the girl i grew up next door to had her second son, a sweet looking baby named joshua. (which sort of freaks me out, because she's three years younger than me! two kids! maybe i should get a cat. maybe that will make me feel more like a grown-up) i also sold some stuff at the place i do consigment, so i want to make some more stuff to send out. i need to finish a project for a friend. i made some cute new patterns to work on, one of which is a cupcake. who doesn't love cupcakes? i've been listening to a lot of elliott smith lately too. that makes me miss rain. i'm tempted to order this book tonight. i can't figure out why i don't already own it. wait, maybe it's the cost. i'll put aside some money for it.

this concludes sunday's boring post! go on with your day!

*last night i saw stabler in the teensiest undies. i was both excited and weirded out. they were like eensy speedos! you could see so much! too much! i swoon.


some funnies for you on this lovely sunday.
*i thought i hated devo, until i realized i didn't. does that make me more or less grown-up? i can't tell.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

sweet & sour

today was both great and sucktastic. we paid one of my co-workers $10 to eat a lemon, peel and all. he did it! evidently J does this a lot. when we were first trying to think of things for him to eat, someone said, "sardines!" and i was like, "but those are good!" thank goodness M agreed with me. (we agree on a lot of things, like how handsome he is and how smart i am.) watching J eat a whole lemon was very satisfying. of course, today of all days, my camera was at home so i had to take photos with my crappy cell phone camera.

then there was a snafu with one of the cash registers, which was solved, but it took over an hour to fix. while that was being done we were sort of all sweating bullets.

then! i came home and there was some super-good mail for me. dear post man, i love you. it reminded me that i have a half-finished letter that needs to be finished. i also need to finish some other projects that need to go into the mail, so tonight i'm going to have a refreshing adult beverage and get some work done. monday all sorts of things will be going out in the mail as well. i also want to work on the stabler stencil, but i sort of need some printer ink. printer ink is insanely expensive, though, and i've been cheap and lazy. ahh, the wonders of being me.

Friday, April 07, 2006

oy, soy

i love soy chicken. in fact, i like fake chicken patties beter than real chicken patties. as much as i love faux-meat and soy products, sometimes they don't like me. it's hit or miss; most of the time i eat them and am fine, sometimes i eat them and my insides riot. like tonight! i mean, it was so delicious going down, so now why is my tummy distended like i ate a bowling ball and my guts in knots? maybe a nice beer will help.

holy cuteness! i got my danny mansmith cuff today, and i know you're jealous. i took a million photos of it already, and wore it around the house. it makes my sweatpants look ridiculously chic. like the crafty girl i am, i've also been carefully poring over it trying to figure out how it was made. want to know how it was constructed? impeccably. i think this boy has a serger and isn't afraid to use it. i'm telling you, it's lovely and sturdy and i'm going to wear it every day. really, go get one.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

all i do is watch movies

it's true. maybe that's why lately i'm getting nothing else done. it took me a month to get detective benson done, for crying out loud.

but! i've seen some good things. tonight was fast food fast women. it was sort of absurd, but very sweet and i liked it a lot. the lead character made me sort of crazy because she was so thin i kept thinking of the sandwiches i wanted to feed her, but she was very sweet. i know i used the word "sweet" twice already, but it was just that. it made me want to visit new york soon, and have a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and made me feel like 28 isn't as horribly old as i think it is sometimes. did i mention it was very sweet? it reminded me of trust, which is one of my favorite films. i think it might be because i like ridiculous romantic comedies. because really? dating is retarded, the whole falling in love thing is preposterous, and i hate when it's over romanticized. i prefer affection in small, unexpected ways. this movie was also small and unexpected. i would watch it again.

but now! time for the magic pill and bed. oh, how i miss magic bed sans the pill. it's just not the same, you know? soon it will all go back to normal, i know. i complain because i love sleep, and it's frustrating to have the one thing i used to be able to take with me anywhere, anytime, taken away from me. it was my super-hero power and now it's gone. i keep telling myself that this can't last forever, and maybe it's all the sun i'm not used to and the mole inside me is just confused, but i honestly don't know. there's another part of me that thinks this is the first step in the slow slide in the i'm-becoming-my-mother hill.

i'd like you to meet my friend olivia

i didn't get nearly as much done today as i wanted. but i did get benson ironed. and i did talk to a lot of people i like on the phone as well. i did not leave the house (hermit!), i did get some other random stuff done and that's all. i ate an artichoke, which is quite possibly one of my favorite vegetables. i made some umeboshi bites (like sushi but lazy!), and thought about how i should go to the market and buy some yogurt since i'm out and having nothing to eat for breakfast tomorrow. out of eggs, out of yogurt, i have cereal but no soy milk or regular milk for it. i might regret my sloth tomorrow, but i might not. we'll see.

three days in a row

no sleeping pill before bed. the results have been mixed. it's that first twenty minutes that seals my fate; if i can sleep past that i'm generally okay. of course, then the chances are good i'll sleep straight through for three to four hours, then wake up every hour after that until i have to get up. cue the strange dreams, exit stage left. it's not so bad when i don't have to work, then the thought of being able to take a nap makes me feel better. i can't nap at all right now, thanks to the twenty minute rule, but i keep telling myself when i'm tired enough i'll sleep. all i can do it wait.

i also watched another movie last night, the one about r. crumb that he made himself before the terry zwigoff film. i'm always interested in hearing what someone talk for themself. there are pros and cons to each approach, biography and autobiography, but i say if you have both then you get a better look at a person. there's a point in the film where he talks about how easy it is to be distracted in the "modern world," how little time and patience we have for focus, and i thought about all the hours i can waste on-line reading papers, blogs, news/cutlure/information sites. i have to physically shut the computer off sometimes to get stuff done. which is the plan for today. i've had an idea for a small kraken comic that i've been avoiding for weeks, and maybe it's time to just dive in.

i'm also hungry so i'm going to have breakfast. i'll see you later tonight (since as much as i try, eight hours away from my computer is about as long as i can go without outside intervention, like, say a road trip).

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


i just finished watching robert altman's 3 women. (which happens to have been made the same year i was.) i've heard about it, and when the criterion collection dvd came out i know i made a little note somewhere that i should watch it. i hadn't thought about it again, though, until i ran into it on accident at the library.

essentially it's about identity theft, and how fluid the sense of self can be. people acting the way they think they should, how we assume that's who we are, but what if we aren't? what if we just decide to be someone else? what if we swap identities? at the end of the film no one is where they were when the film started, and it's confusing, and not confusing at the same time. the whole film is sort of off, a strange ending seems reasonable. i don't know, i liked it. you might not. it reminded me of wim wenders a little. it has that slow pace, the long shots, the spare dialogue.

it's an odd movie, creepy and sort of sad and pretty to watch. the only thing i didn't like about it was the god-awful soundtrack. the scoring was so predictable and heavy-handed, and at times it was actually so loud you had a hard time hearing what the characters were saying. the composer only worked on a few things, thank god. it would be interesting to see the film without the music--i think it would improve it. i know it's dumb to get stuck on that one point, but oh god it was awful.

sissy spacek was incredible, she does creepy in a way no one else can. she can be freaking you all while making you feel sorry for her at the same time. shelley duvall is one of my favorite actresses ever, so of course i loved her. i wouldn't necessarily say that she's a great actress, but what she does well, she does very well. i'm surprised the film was made when it was, when i think of late seventies films i don't necessarily think of anything this interesting.

i'm not sure i loved the film, but out of all the films i've seen the past few weeks this was one of the best. i feel like a lot of what i've seen lately has been shocking for the sake of shocking (closer, a history of violence) or has tried too hard (hysterical blindness). i don't even think altman knew exactly was this film was about, or where it was going to go, so even though the subject is weird and dramatic it doesn't feel like it's trying to impress you with how bizarre it is.

but i did seriously, honestly, deeply hate the goddamn score. it was puke-tastic.

boring technical update

i've decided to try to get a ticket to the ween/flaming lips show the old fashioned way: craigslist. there were a few posts there with people trying to sell tickets for ridiculous prices (um, the original price was $40.50, i'm not going to spend over $100), so i just put a little note up there using the sympathy card. i basically admitted that i had no idea how fast they would sell out, and pointed out that i'm new and need some help. i only need one ticket, so maybe someone's got one right now that they can't use. i can only hope!

i bought the new flaming lips album today. it reminds me of yoshimi, in a good way. i've only listened once, so i can't really give you any sort of useful review. while out i also bought some new blank cd's so i can back up my photos. lately i'm paranoid about losing data, and i was in a spring cleaning mood. i came home, copies some files and even vaccuumed my room! not all of it, though. there's this part of my room between the bed and the closet that is wrecked. it's this no-man's land of magazines, papers, yarn, random things that i have hard time catagorizing and putting away. if you know me at all, you know i'm a bit of a slob. this part of my room is like a weird hole that i have a hard time controlling. either that, or i'm just supremely lazy. i prefer to blame the universe.

it was crazy beautiful out today, too. for a while there was a threat of rain and dark clouds came storming in and stood around for a while before moving on. i washed the car, and got to wear a skirt with no tights today. it felt like spring. oh wait, i think it is spring. it's lovely.

i'm going to go poke through my library finds right now and put away some clothes. or watch tv. i sort of like the show bones, but i think that might be because i love angel and i'm glad he's working.

aw damn

when i thought of red rocks, i sort of assumed it would be like going to the gorge in washington. meaning the place is huge, tickets always go on sale super early, and getting one for a show would be easy. evidently red rocks has a lot more pull, and kids from surrounding states are big fans of it as well. i couldn't get a ticket to the ween/flaming lips show! it's months away! i've heard rumors that if you keep checking ticketmaster as the date gets closer, sometimes they release more tickets. i'm really sad, i've been seriously looking forward to the show, but waiting for payday to get a ticket. remind me to not understimate the power of red rocks again, okay?

it feels a lot like spring, and that means i'm actually feeling sort of compelled to clean stuff. we'll see if that feeling lasts through a shower...

and! in totally dorky news, i figured out how to use prospector to get materials from other libraries and just ordered a ridiculous amount of music. i love the library.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

go ahead, make my day

people love to yell at me. of course, peopel really love to yell at anyone who works at a cell phone store. honestly, i don't even like cell phones. i don't enjoy dealing with my cell phone carrier (which is, oddly enough, not the one i work for), so i can understand a reasonable amount of consternation. but coming in and yelling at me for your account being "hotlined," which means shut off, because you didn't feel like paying your bill is never going to work. you can yell and puff out your cheeks and tell me how awful i am, how i'm screwing you over, but i will not, cannot, do anything about it. yelling won't get you any sympathy.

i have two days off. for the next two weeks my schedule is all over the place, so i think it's safe to say my days of predictability are over. it's all aboard the pain train from here on out.

also! today the new flaming lips came out, and later this summer they are playing with ween at red rocks. i'm buying a ticket! ween + the flaming lips = a very happy me. although i was very sad when i came into work all excited about the news and my co-workers gave me a blank look. "who?" yeah, i'm pretty sure none of them will be going with me.

Monday, April 03, 2006

coincidence or reincarnation?

(honestly, though, i miss chris farley. i'm super glad maggie happens to look a lot like him right now.)


anne says i am boring her with my new job because i can't blog anymore during the day. this is true. i suspect i'm boring anyway, since all i can think about anymore is cell phones.

today at work there were a lot of jerks. it's hard for me to not take it personally at this point; mainly because i really feel inept and am constantly berating myself for not knowing all the things i need to know. this guy got all pissed at me and stormed out while i was working on his upgrade because he "didn't have two or three hours" to wait for me to finish. it's true it was taking a while, but it's also true that he came in half and hour before close, when there was a line of people waiting to be helped and i had a very fussy computer. i had a feeling that it wasn't my fault things weren't moving as quickly as i wanted, and after he left and it took me five minutes to do the same thing with another customer i realized i was right. it might not have all been the computer's fault, but it also wasn't all mine. i also realized that i need to calm down a bit and that i'm not going to know it all until i learn it. that's taking some time, but i cant rush it by the force of my furrowed brow. dude, if i could, i would! i would have last week. the thing is, it's just work, it's a way for me to get from point A to point B, it's a place where i do a job i'm not always sure of loving but with people that i really like, and if i don't know it all and i make some mistakes the world isn't going to fall apart. if i mess up your activation, you aren't going to get ebola and die. millions of kittens aren't going to perish if i forget the price of text messages. in short, everything is going to be okay.

this is what happens when you hire a neurotic. just so you know.

i feel ridiculously boring even talking about this. who wants to hear about my crappy job? it's a job. all jobs are inherently boring, but i like my co-workers, more and more every day, and when i get something right and someone is nice to me then i feel like a rock star. yes there was mr. i'm-in-a-rushy-rush, but there was also miss you-have-been-so-helpful-thank-you and mr. dude!-give-me-a-high-five.* why let mr. fussy-pants ruin that? i can't think of any good reason, either.

um, i had a beer and no dinner yet. i'm going to go now before i start slurring my speech and telling you how much i love you. which, of course, i do.

*who was also ridiculously cute. if he had been in the store five minutes more i would have eaten him alive.

Sunday, April 02, 2006


evidently i've been saying "i'm going to punch you in the neck" a lot at work lately, so much so that when the board was updated today that was my little nickname: "punch you in the neck." i didn't think i said it that much, and i protested, "come on guys, i don't say it that much." one of the boys said, "you've already said it four times today." i stand corrected. i guess i want to punch you in the neck. who knew?

sundays rule. work can be busy or slow, but no matter what, we're only open for five hours so it goes by quick. we all get there half an hour early, but opening takes five minutes, so we have coffee and chit chat. closing is just as fast. then before you know it, you're home. the weird thing is that after work i like to change into my pj's, but when it's only five-thirty that seems insane. so i actually wear two outfits on sunday. that seems excessive to me, but so does being in my pj's before nine p.m.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

april fools!

on april fool's day i'm always tempted to call my folks and tell them i'm knocked up. then i realize that would become a lot less funny when mom fell to the ground clutching her chest and having a heart attack. i don't think they'd take the whole "unwed mother" thing very well.

work today was crazy-insane. i'm learning so much that i'm dreaming about work when i'm not there, and basically all control i used to have over my thoughts is gone. i cannot shut my brain off, worried i'm mising something or won't remember something else. i feel totally inept, and spend the part of my days not working furrowing my brow wishing i knew what the fuck was going on. when i don't know exactly what's going on or exactly how to handle a situation, i get all sorts of frustrated. i know that learning takes time, but dammit! i just want to know! everything! right now!

i haven't finished my benson towel yet, and that bugs me too. i'm working on it tonight and she will be completed. i'm going to go have a nice beer now, work on benson, and try very hard no to think about calling plans and customer codes.


she's done! wrinkled, and still pink from the transfer pencil, but complete. one last night in the house alone, maybe one more long bath in the tub that isn't mine. then time to do the dishes i've been avoiding and pack up the sewing machine and bring it back downstairs. back to life with roommates.