Saturday, July 31, 2010

oh sure, let's make the dead into puppets

tonight we were flipping through channels and trying to find something to watch. i recently discovered we get TCM, and there's pretty much nothing i like more than finding old horror movies to watch. tonight i discovered quite possibly the most ridiculous, disturbing, weird horror film ever. for one thing, the main character is a MIME. he might even be called the world's most famous mime, marcel marceau. for another, it's called shanks. um, hello, but shanks are for stabbing. in this case, it referred to the last name of the main character (aah! a mime!). i can't even begin to describe how strange this movie was, and how thoroughly captivated we all were. i'll let you in on some of the details; mr. shanks is a deaf/mute puppeteer who lives entertains kids and is creepily fond of one young girl. he lives with family members who are mean to him. he uses his puppetry skills on the dead. a gang of homosexual bikers crash a seriously pedophilic birthday party. marcel marceau does a lot of strange, uncomfortable looking things to his body. happy carnival music plays during disturbing scenes. a dead chicken pecks a man to death. THERE IS A MIME PRETENDING NOT TO BE A MIME. it was terrible and wonderful and we couldn't look away. the boychik has decided that this is his favorite movie ever. the girlchild laughed at the most absurd bits, but seemed confused and sleepy. she also got sick this afternoon so she might still be under the weather. D made a snack and laughed his ass off. we all goaded and chided the movie, giggled and talked about how lucky we were to stumble upon such an awful film.

it's not on dvd or video, evidently. so if you see it on TCM, i highly recommend watching it. it's 93 minutes experience.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

step-mommy dearest

i feel like it's pretty obvious that i am not too confident in my step-parenting abilities. for one thing, i'm not actually a step-parent yet. for another, part of me thinks D has been doing a great job, so what's the point in trying to help? add to that the voice in the back of my head that says "being a step-parent isn't even the same as being a parent, why are you so stressed out?" which coincides with various friends and relatives that say things like, "well, they're already grown so it's not like you have to parent parent," and you have days where i worry that i'm going to mess the kids up in some irrevocable way.

the truth is, though, that i live with my partner's two kids, who will officially be my step-kids very soon. i also really like them, as people, as well as love them, and want to be a good parent, even if i'm not a parent parent. part of parenting is all about intent, i think, and even if i'm not exactly a parent, i still want to be an adult that the kids can count and depend on, and i still really want to help them grow them into being the amazing people they are on their way to becoming.

which makes the whole issue of discipline kind of tricky. it's already been established that i am way more of a hard-ass than i ever would have imagined. when i thought about parenting i always assumed that i would be a laid back, hippie kind of mom. i'd be all laissez faire about curfews and teach my kids to disregard social norms, while wearing overalls and combat boots. what i learned was that i am not afraid of grounding the kids, taking away privileges, or otherwise being a horrendous nagging bitch. i also stopped wearing overalls and boots a few years ago. the way i see it, sometimes you have to be a bit terrible, especially if you're trying to keep the kids safe and/or teach them something that will keep them safe/happy in the future.

tonight D and i had to have a little chat with the girlchild again about internet safety stuff. we tried not to scare her too much while also instilling the fear of god, which is kind of a hard line to walk. this is pretty normal parental stuff, and part of it just has to do with how the teen brain is wired and prefrontal cortex stuff. this is sometimes just a talk you have to have a few times, before it sticks.

i know at some point i'll stop second-guessing every movement i make with the kids. i have to say, though, sometimes it would just be easier if they were mine and i could stomp around saying things like "why?! because i'm the mom, that's why!" my mantra about all this has worked for me so far: no one gets to pick their kids. even if i'd grown them, named them, and could see myself in their faces, they wouldn't be any more mine. you never know who you're going to get, i just knew that right away. in the same way my parents gave me my sister and my family, my man gave me my kids. he just happened to give them to me when they were a bit older, out of diapers, and already pretty awesome.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

conference call o-rama!

i love conference calls, and i hate them. on one hand, i get paid to listen to stuff my boss is going to tell me anyway while drinking beer in the privacy of my own home. i can blog while conferencing! on the other hand, for some reason it's very difficult for some folks to understand how to mute their headsets, and then you have to listen to their deep breathing or their MRI machines banging and clanking like a garbage truck having a seizure.

tonight's conference call is all about the "merit increase wage freeze." meaning, for over a year now, no one's gotten a raise. now, though, we are supposed to get them back! the freeze is off! i might end up making .36 cents more an hour! i know that part sounds sarcastic, and i guess it is a little, but honestly, i'm stoked that we get raises again. i've been with my company over 18 months, and have never gotten a raise. i also missed out on health benefits for over a year because my manager kind of dropped the ball. i think if anyone deserves a raise, it's me. for one thing, i had to physically remove a lady's dentures today and we all know how much false teeth freak me out. for another, this week i had to deal with some seriously stinky socks.

in also awesome news, the other car insurance company took responsibility today, meaning my car is being taken care of. the boychild fixed my computer, which had a password no one could figure out, so i couldn't update any software or download any new stuff. then tonight for dinner i made tequila lime shrimp tacos, which were delicious. not such a bad day, if i do say so myself.

Monday, July 26, 2010

smashed cars, trivia and fish sandwiches

today i worked with my co worker's autistic daughter for a few hours this morning. i do it every saturday and monday, and it's actually been a lot of fun. while walking out of their house, though, i was greeted by a big guy in an even bigger truck, idling behind my car. the first words out of his mouth were "i guess this is your car." i thought he was irritated i was in the driveway, until i realized that my rear passenger-side lights were all over the fucking ground. there's also a great big smooshed part of my car on that side as well. it's ridiculous! it's broken! okay, it drives all right, but it is still crunched and i'm still not thrilled. this is going to be a huge pain in my ass, and to top it all off, i don't understand why this guy had to back into a space that was three spots away, and smash into my car on his way. there was so much room for him! is backing out of a spot later such a terrible ordeal that he had to back in? while he wasn't terribly apologetic, he did already file a claim with his insurance, and tomorrow i'll check in with them and see what i should do. i need to find a body shop, get an estimate, and all that jazz. because i have a car with a one piece bumper, i already know the whole thing will have to be replaced. it's a good thing his insurance pays for a rental!

which is all stuff i should have done today, but instead i took a nice long drive with D. we had a delicious fish sandwich at the trainwreck, took a drive through la conner, played 80's trivia at the corner pub in bow, where i won a free chicken dinner. we'll take them up on that at a later date! then we came home, where we watched it's always sunny in philadelphia, and now i'm getting ready to call this monday done.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

give me an "L"

this summer has seen a whole lot of this going on. i've been seriously lazy when it comes to doing just about anything but lying around reading, meaning i haven't been taking my walks or doing anything seriously productive. part of me feels bad about that, part of me is reading some awesome books and could care less. this was pretty much my favorite thing to do during summer break as a kid; read, in epic amount, just about any and everything that comes my way. i've read good books, i've abandoned terrible ones, i've plowed through mediocre but entertaining ones, and brought more books home than we have room for on the shelves. (to be fair, i do also have a box of books for taking to the thrift store as well, i just haven't gotten around to taking them out!) i need to get back on track with the marathon training, both because it makes me feel better physically as well as mentally. i'm a lot perkier and sleep better, and i've noticed lately my sleep cycles being all messed up. damn you, excercise, for having positive aspects that have nothing to do with making my pants fit better! right now, though, i have a cat and book waiting for me. aaah, summer.


if i still had my facebook account i would tell you the following about last night:
  1. D made awesome bbq pork tacos last night. he thought they would be too sweet and not savory enough, but i disagree wholeheartedly.
  2. the girlchild had a sleepover that for some reason involved a lot of classical music being played in her room, and the start of "let's go to the bathroom together" behavior. i was in college and drunk before i took anyone to the bathroom with me except my sister! she is so advanced.
  3. i maybe had one too many home-made margaritas, but in my defense, they had no high fructose corn syrup and i had a glass of water too. don't hate!
  4. while i miss the ridiculous little posts i made on facebook, for the most part, i am actually doing okay with our breakup. honestly, i'd like to make my blog funny and readable again; not just sad and weird. facebook was fun in a lot of ways, but as far as writing that isn't all about my bellybutton and lunch, it wasn't doing me any favors. plus, i got sick of being told i should be friends with D's ex. i know we have friends in common, but we shouldn't be facebook friends, trust me.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


this post over on Yo Mama's Blog makes me happy to be a stepmom. or i guess, a soon-to-be-stepmom. because you know, even on days when i feel overwhelmed and irritated and eye-rolly, i still love the kids. if they ever move out of the house, i know i'm going to miss the shit out of them.

Monday, July 19, 2010

oh, pekar

i was terribly sad to read about harvey pekar's death last week. many obits and tributes have been written, but i liked this one from the wall street journal.

adios, facebook!

i've done it before, and i'm not really sure why i got back together with facebook to start with, but i think facebook and i are officially done. for one thing, i am not a fan of farmville, and yet you can't be on facebook for more than a second before it encourages you to play. oh farmville, how can a game be so fucking boring and yet so popular?! i don't get it. is there a secret to playing? if you do well do they send you weed in the mail? can you make real money?

also, every year i watch the ICP infomercial for the Annual Gathering of the Juggalos, and it never fails to entertain. video below is terribly NSFW, if you couldn't guess.

you know, i would KILL to find out what a juggalo seminar entails. are there workshops about "how to get a job with a hatchetman tattoo on your neck,"or "how to not make new little juggalos, a.k.a. wrap your dick up, bitch." "how to sweet-talk a juggalette" should be a seminar if it isn't already, as should "make-up applications for inclement weather, a.k.a. how to keep the clown face from runnin'." oh, juggalos! you may not know how magnets work, but you sure do know how to make me giggle.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

not-so-happy homemaker

this morning i got up early and started cleaning the house. i tried to steam clean our couch, with D's old Green Machine, but evidently it's broken. the suction works just fine, but it doesn't actually spit any water out. grrrr. spent way, way, way too much time trying to make it work. it ended up just irritating me. then i tried to clean the rest of the living room, vacuuming and asking the kids to take their things out and away to their rooms. then i took a shower, cleaned the tub, the sink and the toilet, before mopping the bathroom floor and swapping a clean bathmat for the dirty one. i was annoyed by this point, and when the girlchild walked in and said, "oh, it smells like cleaner" i snapped, "yeah, because i'm cleaning."

i feel like an jerk now, but sometimes i get so frustrated feeling like i have to cajole, bribe, or nag to get any one's help with housework. i know for a fact that before i moved in, these people did just fine without a mom-type person around. why is it now my job to keep the fucking place clean? why am i the only one who picks up a hand towel that's fallen to the floor? how did everyone forget how to sweep? i think it's time for D and i to sit down and make an honest to god chore list, so that i don't have days like today where i get sick of living in moderate filth and act like an ass while cleaning.

sometimes i really just want to run away and join the circus, because then i'd only have a tiny caravan to keep tidy, and it's a known fact that monkeys will help for mere bananas.

Friday, July 16, 2010

i accidently stretched my ears

like most women in their 30's, i have more than one earring hole in my ear. my primary piercings, which i got when i four, are stretched to a little over 1/2 inch; 9/16th of an inch, to be exact. on my left ear, the second and third piercing holes are still there and viable. i decided i wanted to try putting hoops in there, and so i put in some older silver ones.

evidently this was a mistake, since my ears revolted and got infected. i guess now they just really like the stainless surgical steel they are accustomed to.

over on my trusty ebay, i found a pair of cute, plain, small, captive bead earrings in surgical steel. i ordered a pair of 16 gauges, thinking since i've had the piercings so long, that would fit just fine. the earrings showed up yesterday afternoon and i promptly put them in. five minutes later, OUCH. not "ouch" when i tried the silver earrings, it was the familiar, red hot stinging of a stretch. i thought i was having to push a bit hard on the earrings going in because an earring hasn't been in there so long. i was wrong! it's not a terrible thing, i just think it's funny that i did it on accident. i don't think i can actually stretch both those holes; maybe one, but there just isn't room for three stretched holes in that ear. my earlobes are only so big, and valuable property is being taken up by the primary piercings.* (you know, the more i write "stretched hole" the more i realize pervs are probably stopping by. hi pervs! hit the road now, please!)

i'm going to go sit with my boyfriend now and make fun of the golf channel. there is this thing on the tv right now called the "british open." have you heard of it? i guess it is a big deal. i am going to drink rum and talk about the environmental impact of golf courses until golf either becomes funny enough for me to tolerate, or he kicks me out of the room.

*i love calling them that. it makes me think of polyamorous talk, and "primary" and "secondary" partners. although to be honest, i always thought that was kind a dick move to give someone #1 and someone #2 (or #3). i thought the whole point of poly wasn't that you loved someone else more, just differently. like you have one boyfriend who likes cartoons and one who can bench press 300 lbs. both serve their own purpose!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

i got bit by a flea

i got bit by a flea.
bit by a flea.
such a dainty as me,
bit by a flea!
goddamn it,
that really sucks.

i think it might be time to bust out the chemical warfare. the cat's fleas are taking over, and our hippie remedies aren't working.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

hey, i think summer is halfway over

how on earth did that happen? the good news is that we're that much closer to kids being back in school...which sounds awesome to me. not that i don't love the kids, but, i like a little more alone time and a little less time listening to them argue over what to watch next on the tv. just saying!

although if i did tell you i didn't love them and just wanted them out of my house, there wouldn't be much you could do about it, could you?! it's a good thing i'm not a monster.

we're making a piece of meat tonight on the grill/smoker that my pop and uncle would have loved. there were two men who were fond of barbequing big pieces of meat, and knew how to cook and eat it. it's nights like tonight when i miss them most. as an atheist, i don't subscribe in the belief of an afterlife, but i admit to sometimes wishing they were indeed someplace else, together and happy, still a bit twisted, like the dead from beetlejuice. if there is an afterlife (just because i don't believe doesn't mean i'm right!) i hope those two guys are enjoying some bourbon and bbq, and cracking up at earth-bound shenanigans. i also hope pop got to see spain kick some world cup ass, even i could give a shit about fĂștbol.

just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to love their sports. it's true that i've taken to the UFC thanks to my boyfriend, but i still hate it when he slows down on the golf channel. my god, how do you devote a whole channel to golf? i shudder to think of the men who watch it.

it's hot out, my boyfriend is hovering over the grill, and i think i might go lounge in the sun and cultivate some melanin. hopefully not a melanoma amount, but enough to get some of the pasty winter off me!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

not serious enough

because i've been knitting a lot of socks lately (see above!), i've been on ravelry looking at socks and sock patterns quite a bit. i've noticed that quite a few knitters do things a bit differently than i do. for one things, many of them match the stripes on their socks up. others who use self-striping or variegated yarn do it in a way to avoid "pooling," which is when a color collects at certain spots, making a little "pool" of color in an otherwise mixed up palette. i don't do either of these things. i kind of dig when the stripes don't match, and i think of pooling as just one of those things that hand painted or variegated yarns do. trying to fight against it is time consuming and sometimes futile. i like to think that i'm expressing more of a go-with-the-flow attitude that outright laziness, but i'm sure some serious knitters out there will furrow their brow at me.

i have to admit though, that whenever i see a blog or ravelry post about pooling or striping and knitters who make themselves frog row upon row of their work because things don't "match" i always want to leave a comment along the lines of "but dude! both are the same color! just go with it, man!" if you are a serious knitter, one who matches everything on their socks up, may i suggest trying to knit a pair where you let the yarn do what it will? you might be surprised at how cute your socks end up.

evidently i am more of a hippie than i want to be, and my socks never match up unless they are knit in solid colors. which has happened one time so far, because you know how i love stripes.

Friday, July 09, 2010


i'm going to go to work and ask nicely for a lung transplant. the ones i have are obviously broken. case in point: the last cold i got moved right into my lungs. that's nothing new, i get bronchitis the way lindsay lohan gets drunk. OFTEN. after two weeks of all the hacking you could stand, it went away. it's been a few weeks now, and i've felt great, but woke up this morning feeling like midgets moved into my chest and are thrash-dancing. there's a pressure on my chest like someone sitting there, every cough hurts, and what's coming up is lemon-colored (although not lemon-scented). what the hell?! i don't smoke, no one smokes inside the house, i steer clear of crack cocaine and cigars, and this week i've eatedn a bushel of salad greens. what is going on? why do my lungs hurt like this? what did i do to piss off my body this way? i went over to every hypochondriacs favorite website, webmd, and there are a million different things i might have, and a million different pills i can take to fix them. awesome! i suppose if it doesn't clear up soon, i'll have to see a doctor. boo hiss.

Saturday, July 03, 2010


i was totally sleepy and tired and hungry, and lamenting how chubby i am, so of course i agreed to go to jack in the box and eat a meal that obviously didn't make me feel better about myself. i felt kind of crappy before i went, and now i feel kind of crappy in a different way. less hungry, more greasy.

it's come to my attention that i am one of those ridiculous emotional eaters. i can tell because ever since my uncle died i've gone on about two walks (one of which was seriously half-assed) and eaten three veggies. i feel bloaty and gross and part of my brain is all "get out of the house more and eat a carrot!" and part of my brain is all "no way, dude, the couch is where it's at." both have a time and a place, but to be honest, right now i am not feeling very good about myself. missing my uncle and pop isn't going to go away, no matter how many cookies i eat. true story.

i guess i just thought i'd share. i'm sure this is actually kind of normal, but i need to shake it off. maybe by saying it out loud i'll actually do something about it.