Friday, May 30, 2008
i'm going to have to throw more money at these problems until they go away, and that's also okay. i have plenty of ramen and groceries and gas in my car, i can make it a week then next friday i get paid again. i've got my bike for running errands and my friends to listen to me, and books to read and socks to knit and family who love me.
i'm serious. things are going to be fine because i say so and that is final.
never never never again am i shacking up without a ring and a background check. especially the background check.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
i finished my final training for the cheese specialist program at work, learned how to stretch curds to make fresh mozzarella, and spent a lovely night at a hotel. can you believe i completed over 100 hours of cheese training? that's a lot of hours. i'm tired from the last few days, and ready to take a nap. i have lots of photos up over at flickr, and i'll have more stories tomorrow. goodnight!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Me: "what storage unit?"
him: "the storage unit i put my stuff in?"
okay. if over $600 weren't involved in this, i would just give up.
fuck it, i'm going to anyhow. yes, it will leave me broke and miserable, but whatever. i'd rather be broke and freaked out on my own than deal with his asshole shenanigans anymore. this is getting me all riled up.
good news! i snagged a library thing early review book! it's my first, and i'm super excited.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
i have my cheese training graduation this week, which means four whole days out of the store. i have a dinner one night, a long day of final tests and a curd stretching class (we're making mozzarella!), and the cherry part is i get to spend the night in a hotel. spending four days out of the store, even though two of them are work-related, and like an awesome little vacation. getting ready to be gone that long is a task, but worth it. do you know how much cheese i have to order? a lot. at any given point in time, i carry $20,000 dollars worth of cheese on a table six feet long by three feet wide and three feet tall. i go through about $3 to $4 thousand of that stock weekly and have to keep my holes filled. there are over 200 varieties, all of which i've tasted and can tell you at least something about. truth be told, i'm fairly nerdy about it and can tell you more than a little, although i am the first admit i don't know it all. i like being the ruler of my cheese island, now if only i can get that raise! they are saying after the graduation and i'm certified* they'll talk with me seriously. cross your fingers.
*there is no real cheese training school; to be a cheese maker you have to make cheese, and everything else is sort of nebulous and vague. we aren't like sommeliers or butchers or bakers, we don't have schools we can go, and we have no fancy name. a professional who works in cheese can be trained by a company like i was, but aside from putting in time and learning as much as you can on your own it's not like i'll be able to go to any grocery store and get a job like this. this way of working with cheese in standard grocery stores is a really new concept and only three or four other chains in america have a program like this. it's part of the reason they're getting me for such a low, low price. i imagine at some point in the not-too-distant future getting a job like this will be a lot more complicated, and there won't be a lot of on the job training. our wine specialist doesn't have to go through all this because they're expected to have either spent time in culinary school, in restaurants, or in distribution or production. what i'm doing now is either going to pay off big time, and allow me to run my own little section of this store or some other store, or the cheese trend as we know it won't last. i think there's longevity here, after all, the american artisan cheese movement started in the 70's and is still growing. in the pacific northwest alone, oregon and washington, there are dozens of small creameries and dairies producing cheeses. cheese itself has been around for thousands of years! it's not like i'm hitching my wagon to low-rider jeans or investments in atari.
i think the nyquil kicked in and that's why i got all rambly. the point is, i know that this job choice seems weird and counter-productive, and that it makes my mother crazy. she's always saying, "you went to college! now you sell cheese." in a way i think this might be the perfect job for me, though. i loved teaching, i love cheese, i love food and cooking and as much as it pains me to say it, i like having customers, and this lets me do all of the above. the schedule is flexible, and while i'm still in my dues-paying mode and not making scratch, if i do stick with this the payoffs will be good. i have medical and dental insurance, access to chicken wings that have gone past the two-hour mark, and a slew of ridiculous characters to watch and interact with. things could be worse. my job, like all jobs, has its shit moments, but it still makes me smile to tell some onethat yes, all i do is work with cheese all day. plus, getting to say, "i can't help you, i have to cut the cheese" never fails to crack me up.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
i'm going to take those all as a good sign.
p.s. mapmyride says i went 8 miles! whew. what i also saw on my ride, but am going to dismiss in the face of all those good things, was a group of douchebags walking their six dogs side by side, taking up the whole trail. then they had the gall to get fussy with me for not warning them i was coming sooner. like i would ever try to scare their delicate doggies!
Friday, May 23, 2008
- random cans of malt liquor hanging around. some in the fridge, some open cans in the bathroom, wherever. i'm trying to choke one down due to a long and lousy day at work, but 211 steel reserve is shitty. i've been sort of craving mickey's lately and thought, "well, this is here" but i think even mickey's is better than this crap. shudder.
- chew bottles! oh dear sweet baby jesus there is nothing grosser than finding a bottle full of chew spit. he'd try to hide them out of the way so i wouldn't find them, but i always did. the fact is, a bottle filled with spit is pretty fucking gross, and because i have such an aversion to them i was naturally drawn to them. it's like heisenberg's principle* or something.
- anyone taking my car without first asking to borrow it. that should be a given right? but it wasn't. in fact, every time i made a point to tell him how much it bothered me he treated me like an over-protective spaz and asshole, but i think it's just polite. i never borrowed anything without asking, and a car is like a big thing. it's not like i would have ever said no, except you know when he wanted to drive a block away and i was low on gas (then i would have, and i don't think that's too shitty a thing to do!).
- ed saying something or other was "extreme." dude, that saying is so 1995. i should know.
*like i know anything about that. i don't even know what it's about, but i like the name of it!
ps. this post over at barrett's blog made me happy. i am totally not a creep and am indeed myself. maybe i'm okay after all.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
i'm not sure what's going to happen next. i called ed's last boss and found that he is indeed in king salmon, running a boat for the summer. i told him what he did, just so he would know what kind of asshole he's dealing with, and thinking maybe there is a slight chance he'll feel like a dick and help me out. then i kept thinking and wondered, did he have this planned all along? did he start that last fight expecting me to act the way i did to set all this in action? part of me thinks that this was all done very deliberately; after all, he cashed my rent check weeks before he left. another part of me thinks he isn't that smart or clever, then i realize he was totally smart enough to fool for me for quite a while so maybe he is.
i'm glad he's gone. my father is less furious at me than i expected, which is a bit of a surprise. he's not thrilled with me, and is disappointed i picked someone so wrong on so many levels, but he and mom both say they're just happy i didn't get married or knocked up. they feel like i got off easy, aside from the money issues. i'm upset about that because ed knew how hard i was working for that little bit of savings, how much it meant to me, and then he left me in a lurch and now it's all gone. it's all gone and my rent isn't even paid. what little i had set aside is gone and he's probably laughing his ass off about it.
if i think too hard about this i cry, because not only did i get royally fucked over, but i'm lucky that i did and ashamed that it came down to this. that's the part that is so hard to convey; how worthless and awful i feel. take ugly and multiply but a thousand, give it a wicked hangover and break out a front tooth and that's how feel. emotionally sucker-punched. by him in a bad way, and by my family in a good way. they don't have to stand by me, they have every right to want to tell me to grow up and take care of this on my own, but all i get are hugs and glasses of wine and kisses and soothing noises. i really am the luckiest girl on earth, even if i do feel shitty.
good riddance to bad garbage, right?
Saturday, May 17, 2008
because i want to go out tonight, but none of you live here! i don't have a lot of friends in anacortes, making it hard to get together an impromptu go-out. my friends all live in close towns, but none closer than twenty minutes by car. what i want is to ride my little bike downtown, do some people-watching, have a beer then come home. is that so much to ask for?
i feel like i need an "i have lot of internet friends" tshirt some days.
Friday, May 16, 2008
a few perks from today's ride:
- seeing random kittens down by the waterfront. i bet they are boatyard mousers!
- lots of cute dogs being walked.
- big black cows hanging out.
- many, many wild bunnies.
- i'm pretty sure i saw a heron, which i feel like is my lucky bird. i know that's weird, but i always feel a lot luckier after i see one. i'm sure it's just some weird superstition, a little magical thinking on my part, but herons tend to show up when i feel lousy and they make me feel better.
- i cannot tell you how much i love the smell of salt air. campfires are a close second, with campfires on the beach being basically the best smell on earth. the holy trifecta adds cooking meat or marshmallows. that's a scent that should be bottled and then applied liberally.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
- is going to be taller. he doesn't have to be a giant, but he won't be shorter than me either.
- will read books on occasion. it doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering or serious, he can be into all tom clancy, all the time, and i will be happy. tucker max is not that funny, not after the first essay or two. to claim he's your favorite writer makes you a douchebag. why didn't i see that sooner?!
- will have dark hair. no more redheads!
- won't listen to kid rock, limp bizkit or staind. no nü-metal crapola for this girl anymore!
- will brush his teeth every morning and every night. no kidding. it's one thing to sort of slack on the oral hygiene when you live on a boat and work 24+ hours at a time; there is no excuse for it on land. do you know how many times i asked him to brush his teeth? i tried nicely, i tried subtle, i tried downright bitchy and nothing worked.
- let's add "use deodorant and soap" to the last point. i'm not going to explain it, you're already grossed out.
- won't stash bottles of liquor around the house for later use.
- won't honestly believe that the book of revelation is a true story and that the end of times is near so why worry about global warming?
- won't be such a loser. promise.
- won't, won't, won't have dumbass shamrock tattoos.
i promise not to talk about this much longer. it's weird having him gone, and i am spending a lot of time thinking of how it all went so wrong, what i did wrong, what i'll do next time, wondering if i even want a next time, all that shit. i feel both down about it and totally exhilarated. it's like that moment right before you draw a picture or write a story; there's that sheet of blank paper and it's gorgeous and lovely and clean and you want to use it but not mess it up.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
staying in anacortes would be ideal, we all know i love this town, but economically speaking it's not real feasible. i know of one person who's looking for a place in this area as well, but he's got a dog and i've got a crush on him*, so no go. i'm moving in with a cute couple i work with, which might be totally disastrous, at the same time i think it will be okay. we might work together a lot, but i'll have my own room and now i even have my own tv, which means i'm not too worried. the best thing about their house is that they pay month to month anyhow, so we're not locked into some big lease.
while ed taking the big clock isn't that big a deal (ha ha! punny!), i find myself looking over to where it used to be all the time. ooh, he screwed me. i'm going to paint a little picture of a clock and hang it up there, because then at least i'll laugh when i see the blank spot. when i think about him i make a list of the things i won't miss about him and add songs to my break-up mix. on the whole, though, aside from the not knowing how i'll pay my rent next month i feel super relieved. i'm also loving the alone time. damn i missed having a few hours alone.
*this boy, he is showing up everywhere. i need to tell him to stop being cute and funny! he even cut all his hair off and he looks sort of angry and mean, but still hot. ooh, i hate him. and by "hate," i mean, "want to rip his clothes off."
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
i was nervous driving home today. i got a message this morning on my cell phone from his employers in alaska wanting to talk to him about his ticket back, which evidently leaves tomorrow. but i don't believe anything anymore so i was waiting to make sure he really wasn't (isn't) here. the thought of him still being here freaked me out, but i had to see. as much as i would like, i can't hide out on the island forever.
who knows what's going to happen next. i'm broke from paying bills and getting caught up on ridiculous shit (like my storage unit fees!) and wanting to save what little i do have left. so i guess i'm not broke so much as right now i am in a hyper-saving mode, and trying to make every little penny work in my favor. this is requiring some math skills i didn't know i possessed. i need to find a new home, obviously, and it really would be good to find a new job that pays me more and you know, maybe uses the education i'm pissing away. it's hard not to just want to curl up and feel sorry for myself, honestly. i'd like to do some serious drinking and steal some of pop's pain pills and take a little mental vacation, but i'm not going to. if this is the worst-case scenario, it's actually pretty okay. i mean, i still have family who will help out, i still have friends who are nice to me and love me, and for at least a few weeks i have the place all to myself. i might cry a little and feel lousy, but i'll also go to work and figure shit out.
Monday, May 12, 2008
the scene last night was right out of cops, with the fisherman screaming and yelling and calling me everything but a white girl before he punched a hole in the wall. i didn't really think you could actually do that, i thought it was a figure of speech. i was wrong. dude, i was wrong about a lot shit. let's just add that to the list, shall we?
needless to say, even though it was painfully late at night i left the apartment and came to my folk's. where else could i go that time of night? who else wouldn't freak out at my sulking in at two a.m.? i might bitch and moan and complain about my sister sometimes, but i really am glad my parents had her. she fed me carrot cake for breakfast this morning, and cups of coffee and took the phone call of me sobbing and freaking out late last night. when i need her she's there, when i need any of my people they're there. the fisherman? not so much, if ever. which is why i ended this, why i decided that regardless of our history and the good times and my feelings that he wasn't going to be a good addition to my family. he's never going to get that, he's just not right for me or us.
things aren't good, but they aren't as bad as i feared they would be. he said he's going to leave some money for the last month of our lease, but i'll wait to see it before i believe it. he's supposed to be gone tonight, and after this i honestly have no plans to ever see or talk to him again. in the midst of all the screaming and yelling and telling me what i loser i am, how he thought i was a "bigger person" than this (?), i pointed out to him quietly that where i come from we don't get belligerent drunk and freak out in a loud way. if any of our neighbors had been home, they would have called the cops, and who could blame them? besides the screaming and yelling he was busy breaking glasses and throwing shit around, which made us sound like hillibillies on our honeymoon. it was yet another humiliating episode in the "amanda takes a fisherman" show, and at the end of it all i realized that's the reason i want out. that this isn't the first time he's done this, it won't be the last, and where i come from people who love each other don't get violent and crazy and stupefyingly drunk before they talk about their feelings.
i know i was fine before he came along, and i'll be fine afterward, but right now i just feel foolish and ashamed and nervous. i'm going to look for a new place to live and a new job and make a plan. the life i was waiting for is here and i have to do something about it.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
a list of things i want to do in my next apartment:
- get a loft bed. i miss the bunk on the boat, i miss living on the boat actually a lot, but having my own bunk will be nice.
- hang up my pictures. i haven't done that at all here because a) we were waiting for furniture and b) the fisherman doesn't like any of them.
- set up a desk and do some little paintings again. someone on flickr found an old one of mine and was all "awesome!" and i thought, "i haven't done that in forever." it used to make me happy.
- never shack up again!
Friday, May 09, 2008
i think i pissed off the fisherman last night by insisting he leave me alone and let me sleep by myself. he's just always here, sitting and doing nothing, and i resent that he has the house to himself all day and i have it never. this past weekend he spent all his time getting drunk and mad and me and wanting to talk about what's going on with "us." um, there is no "us" so nothing. he wants to move to montana? okay! he wants to join the circus as a fire breather? rock on! all i care is that he goes somewhere and does something other than lie in the bedroom with the lights off telling me i make him feel bad about himself. fuck.
good news; baby was with her dad this week since my folks are on vacation and my sister had to work, and i got to talk to her yesterday about her trip. she's only 2 1/2, and not quite as verbal as say, tiernan, was at that age, but damn she had a lot to say. it was awesome. i hadn't talked to her in over a week, and i missed that little kid so much. she told me all about the beach and park and doggies, and i asked if she missed us and she said, "yep!" whew. i don't want her other aunties moving up to try to take my place:-) that's my baby, yo.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
the bright spot about this weekend, besides not working, was my bike. yay for bikes! also, yay for map my ride; it lets me map out where i've gone, how many calories i burned, how far i went, that sort of thing. plus you can save your rides and compare and contrast and all that jazz. i love it. being out and about on the bike is awesome, but i am always curious about how far i've gone.
my pants feel looser. not loose enough to go down a size, but totally needing a belt. i don't feel like i'm riding that much, or changing that much about my diet, but i think the biking on it's own is helping out.
i also applied for low-income housing today. i figure if i'm going to get paid shit, why am i struggling to make rent? i have what feels like an insurmountable amount of debt and not paying through the nose for rent would help me out. it will take a while, and i hope i can find a place to stay in the meantime when this lease is up and while i wait, but we'll see. i doubt it will come through in time and i have a feeling i'll end up in mount vernon or burlington instead of my beloved anacortes. i really, seriously, honestly love this town. i feel at home here. leaving it will be sad but a girl's got to do what she's got to do. i think next week, after i get my tax benefit check and my paycheck and pay all my bills i might take thirty of that and spend the night out at a campground in a yurt just for some space. i need a vacation from all this.
Monday, May 05, 2008
and don't anyone get too excited about this, but today someone i work with mentioned that another co-worker of ours has been coming over to the deli more often now that i'm single. i have a huge crush on this boy, but am fairly certain i am not his type (97.5% sure), but i do like the idea. it was a nice thing for them to say, anyway. nothing will ever come of our little flirtation, but he is foxy and it's nice to be reminded that i am single and could totally make-out with new foxy boys.
- the other day a girl i have a very cursory relationship with told me way too much about her piercings. eating lunch together does not mean that i ever want to hear about your hood piercing, your double nipple piercings (two in each boob), and how much it hurts when they pierce your labia. TOO MUCH INFORMATION. plus, now when i see her all i can think about are her privates, and to be perfectly frank, this is not pleasant for me. i am never eating lunch with her again.
- a whole bunch of guys at work are busy growing mustaches. why? who knows. what's funnier is that they all just started doing it, no one talked about it, it isn't some big funny joke on the rest of us, they just all up and decided that mustaches are the thing to do. sometimes in solidarity i draw a finger 'stache and flash it at them.
- i thought i had another story, but i can't remember it. whoops. i guess that means i should pack it up and head into work. today is my friday! whoo!
Sunday, May 04, 2008
also, i am so sad that song was a lynrd skynrd song. did i even spell that right? i dislike them. i thought that was a blue oyster cult song. i know i spelled that wrong. how on earth do you do an umlaut? who cares. i need a big glass of vodka and to go to bed.
(i know that's from a song, and i can hum that part of the tune, but what smell are they talking about? drugs? sex? something else?)
i am, of course, referring to that delicious smell of spring. i wish i could bottle it up and save some for winter, but i bet it wouldn't smell as good. i swear when i'm outside right now i sniff all over, like a retarded dog. last night i got home from work, checked my email, then got on my bike and took a ride. i was tired from work, and wanted to just crash out but the sky had cleared up and i knew i had at least an hour of rain-free early evening so i got the hell out of the house. i'm glad i did. i'm always i glad when i actually get on my bike and get out. i took the tommy thompson trail which is my new favorite thing about anacortes. you get to see boats in storage along the way, bunnies and birdies and if you are lucky a heron, there's the ocean and at the end of the trail is a pretty bridge. it's not a crazy long ride, about 2.7 miles one way, pretty much flat the whole time too, but it's a nice ride and by the time i get out to the end of the bridge i could use a sit. my legs today are a bit sore, which makes me feel good. hooray for bikes! and spring! and a break in rain!
Friday, May 02, 2008
so it was just a broken valve stem, easily fixed and only $10 (which i still had to borrow). it made for a stressful morning and a ride to work that was all clenched stomach and grinding teeth. i had that moment i've been having a lot lately, the "what the fuck am i doing?" moment, wherein i realize i have no savings, no backup plan, a job that costs me more than i make, and the knowledge that i have to just suck it up and wait one more month and then maybe my real life (whatever that means) will begin. being here is frustrating, both in a physical and an emotional way. i'm looking for a new job but nothing seems any better than what i'm doing. i'm looking for a new apartment but they are all so expensive. i'm going to go down to hud and apply for low-income housing, i'm going to go to a credit counselor and try to get all that shit worked out (know of anyone good?), and i'm going to try really hard to stop angst-ing and acting like every setback is the end of the world.
i have become a very un-fun fat girl. dude, that sucks.