Tuesday, February 28, 2006

fat tuesday!

i finished my little beehive painting. i feel funny calling watercolors paintings, though. i don't know why. they seem like too much fun, i guess.

tomorrow is the start of lent, and ash wednesday. ash wednesday is hands down my favorite catholic mass. lots of kids prefer midnight mass on christmas, but there's something about the ashes to ashes, the "remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return" that always stuck with me. as a child, i was pretty morbid, fairly obsessed with death, and it always bothered me when adults would brush me off. people were always trying to tell me i didn't need to worry about it, that it was so far off, and what was a little girl like me doing thinking or talking about it?* the first ash wednesday i remember clearly was in high school, and just to have the inevitability of death acknowledged was more comforting than any of the "don't worry about it," "don't think about" i heard as a kid. everyone dies. everything dies. in college i took a lot of religion classes, as well as one anthropology class called Death and Dying. i saw a morgue, went to my first funeral, watched a video of a human dissection, and talked about a lot of different cultural attitudes toward death, and the different ways we deal with the actual physical dead. my favorite attitude toward death was the tibetan buddhist one; where every day you think about death, every day you take a moment to contemplate your own death, and at the same time you celebrate it. when the monks came to class to talk to us, they brought us lollipops shaped like skulls. i still have mine. day of the dead was another revelation. happy skulls everywhere? yes, please. i like that there's a little bit of that attitude, at least one day out of the year, in the faith i was raised in. i don't know my way around fort collins that well, and i am a bad catholic at best, but i might hunt down an ash wednesday mass tomorrow.

plus i got a car wash, got trained a little bit more at work, and had a soda entirely too late this afternoon/early evening. the sleeping situation is so strange right now that i'm actually taking sleeping pills in my dreams. last night i dreamt i needed one more, and spent a ton of time looking for the pill that would send me back to sleep. i was already sleeping! that is retarded. but it's friday for me, so whatever. sleep is for suckahs anyhow.

*it got to the point that my parents put a sleeping bag in their room next to the bed, because i went in there so often to sleep with them. i wasn't necessarily afraid of dying, but i felt much more comfortable thinking about death if they were in the same room as i was. i would wake mom up, she would mumble something and i would just say, "death" and unfurl my little sleeping bag and settle in for the night. if pop was on cruise, i got to crawl into bed with her. a few years ago mom asked if i was making the death thing up, just using it to sleep in her bed, but i told her no, i was really thinking seriously about death. i would count her freckles and look hard at her and my hands and think about how someday poof! all gone. still. nothing. i still wake up thinking about it. i know it's weird, but after this many years, i'm okay with it.

Monday, February 27, 2006

on why i love the internet, reason #572

i was introduced by mike to YouTube.

on youtube i found this commercial.

this led me to this website.

which led me to this band. a band that plays breakbeat klezmer jazz.


i love klezmer music. i like jazz and hip hop. this sort of blew my mind. i listened to the two songs you can preview and holy cow. i wasn't looking for it at all and then, poof! there it was. magic. the next time i get paid, i'm buying the album. the end.

back to work!

it was a slow day. s-l-o-w. so slow i didn't take a name for my list once. slow enough that i took a whole hour for lunch and didn't feel guilty. it was a nice way to ease back into things. it was also the first time i'd been out of the house in a few days, and it took me a while to wake up, so the quiet store was nice. even though it was relatively not busy at work, i still got more than my fair share of attitude. one woman actually called me a nazi and told me that the days i'm not there she never has to wait in line. well good for her, but when everyone of the sales staff is with a customer and you have to wait all of two minutes, it's not actually my fault. i'm not actually a nazi! and you, ma'am, are a fucking bitch.

the cutest boy on earth came in today as well, right before closing. he's been in before, and i just think he's adorable. you know what that means, right? i ignore him. i'm always so afraid of appearing dorky (a reasonable fear, mind you), that when i think someone is super cute or i'm feeling a bit crushed out, i just act totally uninterested. of course, he did actually catch me dorking out, because even i can't stop it all the time, and he laughed a little (but not in a mean way) and smiled at me. i blushed like...well, like a blushing girl. he has great reddish-brown hair, chops for sideburns, and this pretty smile. he does some sort of construction work, and carries around a big carpenter's pencil. today he wore a bloodshot records t-shirt and i wanted to pounce on him and bring him back to my cave. maybe another day.

and my new earrings showed up today. pretty, aren't they?

and i don't think i said "thank you" for the comments, but thanks. it was nice.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

why bother?

i work with a guy who i'll call "jake." he's a young guy, about 22 or 23, tall, clean-cut, big forearms, slightly stupid. i'm sure he's nice enough, but i think he's a bit of a frat dick (without the frat). he's in community college right now, taking classes part-time while selling cell phones full-time.

honestly, i don't much care for him. out of all the people i work with, including little orange annie (who i'll tell you about some other time), i like him the least. he's just a big dumb oaf, and a bit of a drama queen. always whining about something or other, or bouncing off the walls he's so excited about something. plus, he's dumb and if there's one thing i can't stand, it's dumb kids. does that make me an ass? probably.

in any case, he's taking a philosophy class right now. a class he keeps talking about dropping because he's "a christian, and none of these things apply to me." he doesn't see the point in studying anything that might go against his world-view, he doesn't see the point in philosophical study at all. he likes being told what's right and wrong, and following the rules and wearing his little cross-made-out-of-nails around his neck. it's infuriating to hear him talk about how thought isn't important, how everything he needs to know is in the bible (which i doubt he can even read, what with the old english translations of hebrew and the dizzying geneologies). he has that cocky air of being right all the time. i know not everyone is interested in different philosophical ideas, i know a lot of kids wouldn't get off reading foucault or sarte or derrida*, but what's the point in living a life unexamined? how can people not be at least curious about what other people think? i mean, i'm all for religion, but i always thought faith becomes stronger when you actually look at why you feel a certain way, how other's view things, and if you actively participate in learning and exploration, instead of just doing what everyone else is doing because you think you should or out of a fear of hell.

then again, he probably isn't smart enough to take a philosophical class or engage in any sort of critical thought. this is a dipshit boy who lost $900 in vegas playing black jack. i just hate listening to him open his meat-head piehole all day long, talking about shit he doesn't understand, proud of the fact that he doesn't have to think because someone else does that for him. when i was in high school i had this idea that in college and then in the real world after, i would only be surrounded by people interested in thinking. i thought college would be full of kids like me who were into existentialism (ha!), read sartre on the beach on their summer breaks, and then after i had my degree i'd work with the same people i'd studied with in college. i thought education would give me access to a world and life where other people who were interested in knowledge for knowledge's sake would abound. i understand now that i was just another pompous teenager with a basic understanding of philosophical thought, but it was a good daydream nonetheless. and i still find myself thinking about it when jake opens his big fat mouth to talk about getting some chick's phone number.

*yes, i like the french philosophers best. sue me.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

another two days off

not on purpose, though. i seem to have come down with something in my tummy that insists on burning a hole right through me. the past few days i've been irritable and annoyed and in a door-slamming mood: evidently i was coming down with something. i have to stop being so damn predictable. i'm not sure what it is exactly, i only know that i don't feel like eating food, i'm tired and fussy, and my throat is a bit sore. the roommates were sick earlier this week, and i do spend all day with strangers, so i suppose now is as good a time as any to get sick.

taking a day off work is nice because i don't feel well enough to be pleasant around other people, but when you only work four days a week one day off is pretty expensive. good thing i enjoy top ramen as much today as i did as a kid.

i got amazing mail yesterday, including a book from dave that i'm already halfway through. it's a good read, interesting and well written, with a quick pace. it helps that i'm in no mood to do much else, but i bet even i weren't spending today in bed it would be hard for me to put it down. i have some sort of archeology show on in the background; the host is impossibly handsome and just serves to enforce the indiana jones archeologist stereotype of rugged, good looking men digging shit up. if you ever majored in anthropology/archeology, you know just as well as i do that most of the men involved aren't as dreamy.

and--the cell phone company is getting me a hotel to stay at in denver for my week long training next month (quickly coming up!). that means i'll be in denver for a whole week, so if you live there and want to get together for a drink or maybe some decent peking duck, let me know. i'm trying to get one of my co-workers to go out on the town with me as well, but she's got a "husband" and a "family" and will "miss them" too much to go out for cocktails. i roll my eyes at that, but then again, i'm bitter and she's happily married. it's now up to you to entertain me.

Friday, February 24, 2006


i'm not posting anymore until i get some goddamn comments. what the hell does a girl have to do to get some comments? i know you're stopping by, it's not that big a leap to leaving comments. is it the having to enter the random letters so i can make sure you're not a spam-bot? does that bug you so much?

most of the time i don't care if i get them or not, i think of them as a nice perk to blogging, but i'm not too full of pride to admit that lately it bugs me that i don't get any. lots of other bloggers get lots of comments. what am i doing wrong? i think part of the reason it bothers me so much is because i spend all day talking to arrogant assclowns who think their cell phones somehow prove their worth, and this blog is one of the few places i get to talk to people who don't give a shit about the latest in cellular technology. throw a girl a bone, jeeeesus. i just want some regular, grown-up talking.

no more posts until you become more interactive. the end.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

productive so far

one of the errands on my list today was to head to a craft store because i'd run out of one my favorite colors of embroidery floss, and wanted some spray adhesive for sewing. i found the embroidery floss i needed, and then i ran into these iron-on letters. i nearly had a stroke i was so excited about them.
they're different from any iron-on's i've used before; they're quite a bit thicker, more plastic, and consist of these raised beads. around the edge you can see the clear beads, which make the finished product sort of sparkly. they were $7, and worth every damn penny. normally i wouldn't spend that much on iron-on letters, but the opportunity to make maggie a tyrant onesie was too much for me. and really, for her i'd spend just about anything. i'm a sucker for her chubby little face.

i did not find the spray adhesive, but out of all the things on my list that was the only thing i didn't find or couldn't get done. i went to the post office, the grocery store, put gas in my car, and went to the library where i found some books on mormonism and an a&e series by neil gaiman i'd never even heard of. i think it's important to temper religious readings with some good old fashioned science fiction, don't you agree?

and i still have a whole lot of today left to do with what i want. maybe some laundry, and some painting and reading. whoo!

declaration of intent

i am totally going to take a shower and be out of the house before noon today.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

a waste of a day

i feel like i got nothing done. oh right, because i didn't. in a way, i feel sort of bad about that. like i had this whole day to myself and squandered it, and i should have been doing something.
did you know that you can actually read the mormon scriptures on line? you can. i love the internet. after spending some time on the LDS website, i felt like painting more beehives. this is just the start of my latest drawing/watercolor. not great, but i'm trying to do something every day so that i maybe get better. working with watercolors is a lot of fun, but also totally different from any other medium. i do a lot of layering to get the color the way i want.

part of the reason i might be so interested in the mormon faith is their practice of long-term food storage. we all know i'm a bit of a worrier (about all sorts of massive emergencies like bird flu, nuclear apocolypse, natural disaster and the like) and have always kept some emergency supplies on hand. honestly, if i had the space/money/drive i'd keep a whole year's worth of food on hand too. it seems totally reasonable to me. knowing they feel the same way makes me all soft toward them as well. in fact, this website has been on my favorites lately. if you loved me, you'd buy me one of these. or a few of these. and this? makes me totally hot. i'm not afraid to admit i might have some issues, but if this is the worst of it, then okay. there could be worse things in the world than being prepared for catastrophe! like, say, wasting a perfectly good day doing nothing.
i got worried because as soon as i mentioned utah, i didn't get any hits from utah. i thought maybe i'd offended you. i'm glad to see some of you are back!

today is my day off and so far i've gotten just about nothing done. i did finish a project that goes into the mail tomorrow, i finished a patch for a shirt i need to sew on, and had a cup of tea. i should go and run some errands, but i am not feeling like it. then i thought about going to the library, which i sort of feel like, but not enough to comb my hair and leave the house for.

i had some of my snow photos turned into real photos, and they showed up yesterday. i hate to get all excited about pictures i took, but they turned out nice. i ordered a few more today. on shutterfly you can prepay for photos, making them .17 cents a piece, then you just pay for shipping. i know i could just go to kinko's or target or even the grocery store and have the photos made up right then and there, but you don't always get the matte option and i like to put a little border on them too. plus, when i order them then i am assured of good mail within the week. i know everyone has their favorite on-line photo store, but i like shutterfly because i can make my little notecards there too.

i should vacuum today as well. aren't you glad i stopped by and blogged about it?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

baby tyrant

my sister is home alone with baby all week. my brother-in-law had a small training he had to go to, and this is really the first time maggie and her mom have been all alone together. for my sister, this is pretty nerve-wracking. add to that the fact that baby got pink eye this week and my sister has to apply eye ointment four times a day plus give her oral medication, and my sister is a teensy, tiny bit freaked out. they are doing fine, but i can see how this could be a long week for the both of them.

i got to talk to her for a while on the phone tonight, in between feedings. maggie slept most of the time, but even while she sleeps she makes these tiny baby noises. mostly cute little grunts and sighs, some snorting. honestly, she sounds an awful lot like a baby bulldog. my sister and i grew up with a bulldog (cuddles) that we adored, and when she told me that maggie is getting so plump that she has to clean her folds i said, "hey! like cuddles!" because you know, with bulldogs you have to clean their face folds to make sure they don't get real goopy. then we started comparing baby maggie to baby cuddles and realized except for the fact that my sister breast-feeds maggie, they are essentially the same creature. they both eat a lot, they both sleep a lot, they both grunt and sigh and wiggle around all the time, and they both are chubby little tyrants. delightful.

i get a kick out of my sister saying to maggie, "do something cute for auntie amanda." i like being the auntie. my favorite aunt was my auntie peggy, and there's something to be said for getting a chance to be as cool as she was. it makes me both a bit homesick and extremely happy. it makes me miss tiernan and jude too. babies are amazing, but the older kids get, and the more they get to show you who they really are, the more remarkable they get. if you stop and think about it too hard you either get entirely too sentimental or overwhelmed. what surprises me most about the whole thing is that i thought once my sister and friends started having kids, i'd start to really feel the bio-clock tick tocking away. if anything, the opposite is true. i love my niece and nephews, but i love them so much i can hardly think of introducing another baby to the group. i'm so interested and enamored of them that having my own babies seems like something far, far off.

i don't think i'll get to actually see any of my people next month like i'd originally planned. i have this big week-long training i have to do at the start of the month, and with the new promotion the whole work situation has changed. not in a bad way, but it's different now. i'm a bit more invested in them, they're a bit more invested in me, and the training is going to take a lot of time and energy. i'm still hoping to get away at least for a long weekend, hopefully to texas, but i have to work all that out with my manager who is out until the end of this week. in short, things are now up in limbo and i'm trying hard to figure it all out. three months on my own seemed like a real long time a few weeks ago, but now the thought of having to do another month on my own doesn't seem so daunting. i might be adjusting.

ooh, and to make myself feel better after my car got jacked i ordered a pair of these black wood ring earrings. i keep trying not to buy pretty earrings in my size (7/16th) because then i feel guilty when i stretch to a bigger size, but why have big lobes without something pretty to put in them? especially something this ridiculously pretty and yet totally modern. i like the big curves of them, and i don't have any dangles to wear right now. that's how i'm justifying the expense...
lately i take sleeping pills before bed. if i'm not asleep at a very specific time, i.e. with enough sleep-able hours left to make the next day bearable, then i take the pill, watch some cartoons and go to bed. i'm hoping at some point to rewire myself. on the weekends, i don't take the pills and muddle through the nights with varying degrees of success.

i bring this up because this morning i have a really weird sleeping-pill hangover. i'm grateful for the sleep i get, but the following morning is always a bit off for me. then again, it's better than mornings after no sleep.

i guess that means i'm a bit screwed.

Monday, February 20, 2006

now i'm going to talk about utah.

i am not too embarrassed to tell you that i check my stats on occasion. i don't check them horribly often, but i do like to see who might be coming by, where they're coming from, and how my readers might be different with this blog than others i've had. i'm curious (not shallow! no really!). i've noticed that a few of you are from utah.

i love utah. i love utah in a way i didn't know i could love a state i've never lived in and have little in common with. i love utah in a somwhat theoretical way, but i've also been there, and loved what i saw. the day dave and i spent driving through utah was one of the best days i've ever had. i turned 28 in utah. the very word "utah" sounds good to me and i use it whenever i can. there are days when i worry about having moved far away from home, when i feel like maybe i'm too old for this shit and get anxious and spastic, and on those days i always feel better when i think, "at least here i'm close enough to drive to utah." not, "i could always fly home," but "i'm only a day away from utah by car."

it's a beautiful place. it seems quiet to me. they have those great beehives everywhere. the state bird is the seagull because of this story. utah is both totally wholesome and totally mysterious. it was in a cremaster movie. they have gorgeous red rocks everywhere. there is a part of me that wants nothing more than to buy a tumbleweed tiny home and park it somewhere in utah and raise a whole slew of kids out in the woods.*

if you live in utah and stop by this blog, i hope you aren't too offended by my use of the f-bomb. that's the first thing i thought when i saw you were coming by. i don't know if you're mormon, and i'm pretty sure it makes me a jerk to assume you might be, but i just want you to know i love your state. i kind of want everyone to know how much i love your state. it makes me happy to know you're there. whenever i wear my beehive sweatshirt i think of you. fondly.

also, no one broke my car today! yay!

*the other version of this fantasy has me moving out to the western coast and building a yurt in the woods.

why are these shows still on tv?

  1. the real world. we all know it's not real, and the cast becomes increasingly annoying, so why are people still watching? it's a dead horse, folks.
  2. american idol. nothing ever happens to the kids who win, so who gives a fuck?
  3. ER. oh wait, i hear that one is going away. about time.
  4. america's next top model. again, the winner never actually becomes famous, and we have the added torture of hearing tyra banks talk out loud, so what the hell?

i watched entirely too much mtv last night. the show true life is odddly compelling. a bit over-glossy, but usually pretty interesting. then they had this special on called "fat camp" which was all about overweight high school kids who do in fact, actually go to a fat camp. i lost two hours of my life to that show. it made me so glad i'm not in high school anymore. it's bad enough on it's own, but to also be kid struggling with your weight, it's got to be torture.

Sunday, February 19, 2006


someone fucked with my car. i went out there today to run some errands, and discovered my driver's side mirror hanging by a thread, like a sad, dismembered eyeball. at first i thought maybe someone drove by and clipped it, which pissed me off to start with. i called my pop (actually, i called my mother, but my pop answered and i was screwed then), and while on the phone with him i saw that my antennae was bent in half. then i realized that someone very deliberately fucked with my car. the accident theory made me mad, but knowing that someone did it on purpose just pissed me off even more.

i could blow shit up right now with only the power of my fury!

i filed a police report. on the off chance that it's happened to other kids, at least the cops know about it. i don't expect them to find the hooligans that did it. i also thought it might help if i decide to see if my insurance will chip in.

a new mirror is only going to cost me $45, but the shipping is another $15. good-bye sixty dollars. my other options are to go to a junkyard and hunt down a new mirror, or to go to a dealership. the dealership will cost $80 and the junkyard will cost me an afternoon of my life. sixty bucks annoys me, but the other options are just as annoying and involve me getting a lot dirtier. driving around today without that mirror reminded just how much i actually use it, and how useful it is. the nice lady at the police department said, "oh well, at least it's not that expensive." which is true in a relative sort of way, but sixty bucks is still a fair amount of money for me, especially considering that at this point in my life i'm only making $200 a week.

did i mention that i'm really angry? it's not like my car was parked in a dark alley, it was parked on a residential street, close to a main arterial, under a fucking street lamp. i know i'm lucky that they didn't actually break into my car, but that's small comfort. it could have been a lot worse, but it's still pretty lousy. i kind of hate people right now.

the only thing about today that hasn't made me mad is the realization that i can get stamps at my bank's atm. that's pretty cool. other than that, i declare today to be suck-eriffic! i'm going to go shake my fist around at shit now, and bitch about how much i hate punk-ass kids and act like an old lady. excuse me, please.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

listy goodness

  1. eric has an art show up in austin! i did not get to go, since i do not live in texas, which i sometimes think was a mistake on my part. then again, they do not get snow in texas, and i have decided that i really like the snow. (that could change, though.)
  2. the other day i found hello kitty stickers that smell like bubble gum. there is a good chance one or two of you is going to get a letter that smells suspiciously like bubblelicious.
  3. i am loving the stomping around in snow in my waterproof boots. i sort of wish the boots were more insulated, but for five dollars i'm not complaining.
  4. i'm going to bite the bullet and buy another pair of work pants. when i started this job, i was going to quit about every thirty seconds, so one pair of pants seemed like enough. however, i have come to the conclusion that i'm going to be there a while. more than one pair of pants is in order.
  5. speaking of work clothes, i got the shirts i ordered. they are all way too big. i ordered them in the same size i wore at kinko's, thinking most uniform companies were on the same wavelength. i was wrong! everything is massive, and it all makes me look pretty dumpy. i can order more stuff, but i feel like such a dumbass for ordering everything in muumuu size.
  6. i get a day off tomorrow. i will be running errands and being boring.

Friday, February 17, 2006

four below! no really! four degrees BELOW zero!

i have never been so cold in my life. you think i'm joking, but i'm not. since it is so freakishly cold, it only makes sense that i would leave my headlights on this morning and leave work to find a sad, dead car. thankfully matt was around to jump my car for me. it was so cold while we were out there though, that i lost a pinkie toe. okay, maybe i still have my pinkie toe, but it is also still ridiculously cold. the kind of cold that makes the air in your nose freeze into tiny spikes of discomfort. COLD.

also, i know this is the least technically pretty photos from my snow night series, but it's my favorite. you have no idea how much the mail means to me. the internets, they are great, but getting something you can hold in your hands is totally different. you know what it's like to get real mail, letters and funny clipping from the paper, drawings from little kids (and big ones!), photos and reicpes. it all rules. some days the mail reminds me that even though i might not know a lot of people in my new town, there are still kids that like me, and if i could make friends before, then i can make new ones too. it's corny, i know, but indulge me please. mail is good. send more of it. (not just to me, either. you will be amazed at how excited your friends and family will be if you just drop them a little note. the brownie points you get from that are not to be scoffed at.)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

more pee talk

i had to pee in a cup again today. i swear that's all i do in this town. pee in cups! apply for jobs! pee some more! i guess in order for the cell phone company to buy me from the temp agency i have to go through the application process again. even though i'm already working there. it seems insane to me, but i am not in charge.

when i got up this morning and headed outside, i was glad i'd gone out last night. the snow was all but wrecked this morning; dirty and driven on, criss-crossed with footprints from the kids going to the junior high next door, giant piles of snow pushed up by plows. i had it all to myself last night! that was nice.

i had to go and pick up a big-ass snow scraper for the car today. the little ice scraper i have was not effective for getting rid of the piles of snow on my car this morning. it froze my hands. i bought a giant one with a telescoping handle, with a broom on one end and the scraper on the other.

i'm watching i am trying to break your heart, and jeff tweedy just seems like such an uncomfortable guy. there are moments when he seems completley freaked out in his own skin, and it seems like no one gets it. (that could just be editing too!) i feel bad for him. i'm not saying he's this misunderstood artist who no one gets, it's obvious he can be a bit demanding as well and that the band does a lot to get along together, but he's a man apart. it's like being all alone in a hugely crowded place. it's a little hard to watch, but as much as i loved yankee hotel foxtrot before, i love it even more now.

lately i really want to dye my hair blackest-black-black. it's fairly dark as it is, and long, so dying it is sort of ridiculous. no one ever notices but me, and then i have to work on the roots. i might do it anyhow, because i'm a jerk that way.

that was super fun

i stomped around outside for about an hour last night, taking pictures of snow on stuff. here you can see my feet buried in the snow, but don't be alarmed, i had boots on! boots that aren't super insulated, but are totally and completely waterproof.

it was so quiet and still. i saw one car, and heard another one out in the distance while i was out, but didn't see any people. which i guess made sense. at midnight there wasn't anyplace anyone in the neighborhood needed to be, except in their warm beds. even though i was out for quite a while, i only got about three blocks away from the house. i was too busy taking pictures. all told, i took 58, but whittled it down to a group of about thirty that i put up in a group over here. there are some more i might fiddle with and put up as well, but when i got home i wanted to put some up right away. all of the ones in that set are essentially untouched; i cropped some, and there are one or two that i adjusted the contrast on, but for the most part that's how they looked coming off the camera.

it was so much fun to be out there. i love taking night photos; in seattle i used to drive out to the weird parts of town to take photos of neon or industrial stuff at night with a giant cup of a 7-11 coffee and some snacks. i went out only about once every three months or so, sometimes longer, but those little excursions always made me feel refreshed in a way that's hard to explain. having the town, the city, to myself is an amazing feeling. even if it's not necessarily true (i've never been out on a night photo trip where i didn't see someone else). stomping around in the snow, being the first one to make tracks, seeing those fresh, pristine expanses of white was just incredible. everything feels so clean at night, covered in snow. after i'd taken enough pictures and my hands were sufficiently numb i came home, shed my cold wet layers and went to work on the photos and wrote a letter to a friend. i couldn't sleep, not because i wasn't tired, but because it was such a nice night i didn't want it to end.

i think slowly but surely fort collins and i are becoming friends.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


i went upstairs to make a drink (because, you know, it's midnight and i was feeling existential) and saw that it had snowed some more. and by "more" i mean, "a lot more." the amazing thing about snow is that when it's coming down at night, it lightens the sky right up. this is the view from my front stoop. the sky is a lot pinker in real life. in a moment i'm going to put on my new wellies and head out into the snow to try to get some more photos. i took about a million from the step, but only three came out. i'm not used to snow, and therefore suck at taking it's picture.

i think a lot about why i'm here in colorado sometimes. lately, more than usual. mainly because a lot of folks have asked what it is exactly that i'm doing here, what brought me to this state in particular. one was knowing someone to live with (that helped) the other is my grandmother esther lived here. she was my father's mother, but i never knew her because she died before i was born. she's buried outside denver. she spent the last years of her life here, brought to the state by her daughter who also lives here.* my aunt charlotte, esther's sister, says we have the same smile. (we have the same overbite. in her photos she's shy and tries to hide it, but it does look like me.) knowing she was (is) here, in this state, made me want to come here. in this small way, i'm a bit closer to her. is that weird? probably. yet in my own way, i feel like i know her a little better now.

p.s. i went out for about an hour, and took a ton of photos. i whittled it down to 27. here they are!

*my aunt and i aren't particularily close. she's ridiculously, painfully beautiful, and very cold. she's not very nice to my pop, and even though at times i think he's a jerk, he's still my dad and i am insanely, incorrigibly protective of him. there's a part of me that wants to know her and my cousins better, but this other part that stops me. the part that couldn't be nice to her if she said anything bad about my pop.

i hate to brag

but come on, this makes me super happy. we are twins! seperated only by a few thousand miles, twelve years, and two different families. other than that, we're like the same person.

this also makes me happy. what dave doesn't know is that i have the same hanky, in turquoise and red! i love the color combination of turquoise and red. it never fails to make me smile. (i made a pillow in those colors that my mom says burns her retinas. i say she is wimpy.)

there are two good reasons why i make stuff.

it was a very kraken day

i think it might be time to invest in a real scanner. i have one that got wet once, maybe i should try to set it up anyhow.
i ordered the box set of mary tyler moore, season one. it won't play in my dvd player, even though it's practically new (i bought the set used, but barely). my dvd player is a gigantic piece of shit, but i couldn't tell my folks that because my pop spent all this time picking it out. but it's awful. it's been awful since day 1. i'm sick of being frustrated by it! i would just buy a new one, but i'm not exactly rolling in the cash right now. it's going to have to wait, and i'm going to have watch my show on my computer. annoying.

also, do you think there's a reason they never mention jean reno's name when they do the pink panther commercials? they make a big stink about beyonce but god forbid they point out jean reno. of course, it makes me sad that beyonce is in the same movie as jean reno, because he's just about a million times more talented than she is.

saturday morning for me

although to be fair, it's almost saturday afternoon for me already. i woke up early, then fell back asleep, where i dreamt of work and the pretty boy i work with. (he is really very pretty, with dimples and long eyelashes and pressed slacks.) not in a sexy way, i was just dreaming of working and all the while thinking, "i'm not at work! this is my day off! unfair!" at 9 i finally got up.

i haven't been super lazy today, regardless of the sleeping in and having just gotten out of the shower. i got up, painted a little kraken picture, had a cup of tea, received a mystery phone call (the same unknown number keeps calling and i keep not answering because i don't know who it is and i'm an asshole) wrote my nephew a letter and burned him a cd, listened to this weeks episode of this american life, and thoroughly conditioned my hair. next on my list is a trip to the library, the post office, and maybe the grocery store. i want to wear my new shoes real bad, but they have not been waterproofed yet, and we did get a bit of snow last night. they are too cute to ruin with snow and magnesium chloride. i love saying "magnesium chloride." in fact, i love all the trappings of winter weather; the scarves and ice scrapers and boots, because they are all new to me.

okay, now i'm off to get stuff done.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

you are not going to believe this

some woman came into the store today with her ratty little dog, who promptly peed on my podium. peed. inches away from my foot. peed! did she say she was sorry? did she scoop the little bastard up and wisk him outside? NO. she said, "oh, he did that outside, i didn't think he had to go."

fucking inconsiderate batshit crazy lady. pee on my podium! are you serious? yes. i'm still sort of reeling.

also please note if you come into a store saying things like "what's your best deal?" "what are you going to give me?" or "i'll go to another store if i don't get the best deal," rest assured that you will not get the best deal. especially if you sound like a chipmunk and have come in right before closing demanding the very best deal on earth. in fact, we will lie and tell you we can't help you and call you a tool when you leave.

i got to talk to my favorite oregonians this morning, including the sweetest boy on earth who played me a little harmonica. i also found out that it's going to cost the cell phone company $2,200 to buy me from the temp agency. dude! i am worth over a thousand dollars! that was nice. in all, aside from the pee incident, valentine's day was like yesterday, only better. who would have guessed?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

green is my new favorite color

i found these one stars today for only $20! twenty bucks! i love converse. i wear my black low top chucks all the time, and while they had the one stars on sale in black too, i thought it was time to branch out. i have a lot of black shoes, not so many grey ones. especially grey with a cute green star. i seem to be wearing a lot of green lately. that is, when i'm not wearing my work shirt (which is black, to match my pants and shoes and the dark cloud of despair that follows me around as well). a few years ago my sister talked about how i needed a "fashion color" and she decided it should be green. she gets sick of me wearing only red and black. i'm sure she'd pick another color for me now, but as usual i am late in picking up on the trends and have just now picked up on the fact that green is indeed good on me.

i have nothing exciting to tell you. maggie gained a whole pound and is now up to eight pounds. she's huge and beautiful. i finally saw some photos of my sister at the end of her pregnancy, and i'm wondering how she walked upright those last few weeks. we got snow for a few days, then it went away and now new york is getting it all. i am knitting a scarf with a hood on it, so that i can keep my ears warm without a hat. hats smoosh my bangs, and i look ridiculous with flat bangs. i found out i'm older than almost everyone at my job by about two years and for some reason this bums me out. being a lot older than some kids is one thing, but barely older than the others is another. why that bothers me more is beyond me, but i think it has something to do with being insane. i'm going to watch veronica mars now and try to reign in the neurosis. send over a pizza if you don't hear from me for a few days, okay?

Friday, February 10, 2006

hey, today was better than yesterday

i was offered a promotion at work today! they want to make me a full time sales associate. evidently one of the girls that works there now isn't doing that well, and they think i'm more personable than she is and will make a better salesgirl. my boss told me he thinks i'm great with customers, but i told him that i just have chubby cheeks and people like that.

i know, i know, i'll be a salesperson, but i will also get to work five days a week and i'll get a commission. i'm sort of anti-commission most of the time, but i'm usually on the other end of the commission. maybe if i'm on the end that actually gets the money i won't hate it so much. i don't think i'll become a smarmy, freaky sales associate. if i do, i trust that you'll tell me.

i wouldn't normally be this excited about a sales job, but it's nice to know that they think i can do more than just greet customers and hand them over to the sales staff. it's a teensy vote of confidence, but it's one that i'm happy to take. plus, i'll never have to work early in the morning and i'll get to hang out with the kids i'm already beginning to like.

being a 28 year old cell phone store greeter was definitely a blow to my self-image. i felt weird doing it the whole time, and while this isn't like a huge step up, it's better. if anything, the job itself will be more interesting and fun. and i'll still get to draw the copy kraken. or rather, the cellular kraken. (the kraken needs a new name, i haven't yet decided what it is.)

p.s. one of the things that makes checking out books from the library cool is sometimes people leave their old check out slps in there. then you can see who else read your book and what else they picked up. it's interesting, and it makes me wonder if i thought the same thing about the same book that someone else might have.


amazing what a good night's sleep can do for me. i helped the process along with a sleeping pill because i didn't want to be jittery and sleepy at work today, and i must have slept for eight hours last night. eight whole hours! it was great. i feel much more reasonable and pleasant today.

it's also payday. i saw my check though, and damn it's tiny. the four day week thing is fun, but i'm going to have to watch my spending. this job is great for traveling, though, so i'm keeping it a bit longer. they don't care where i go next month or for how long, which is one of the perks of having a throw-away job. they don't really need me, so taking a few days off won't upset them too much. i feel like the whole point of february this year is to make it to march.

i'm reading the biography of kurt cobain, heavier than heaven, and i can truthfully say it makes me like him less and less. growing up in the pacific northwest and being in high school when "grunge" hit it big has always made me feel sort of close to kurt. when he died my little sister was bereft, and we were both big fans of nirvana (although to be honest, i haven't listened to any nirvana since early college). reading the book, kurt reminds me of a lot of the dipshit boys i went to high school with. he may have been a great artist, but he strikes me as being a very immature, self-centered jackass the rest of the time. regardless, i can't put the book down. i'm going to have to read it to the end, so i can get to this book about another musical artists who was also a jerk in his real life.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

boring post ahead

i got very little done today, although i did get my yogurt and cereal bought. the car did not get washed, because the unholy colorado wind arrived and i did not feel like soaking myself while washing the car. plus, it's going to snow and then i'm going to have to wash off all the magnesium chloride anyway. may as well wait a bit.

i got a very nice package from my parents for valentine's day; they sent me a movie and a magazine and a cute little card, along with a cd of photos of maggie. i promptly burst into tears. it's almost worse when they're nice to me, it makes me feel even more homesick. i am not complaining, though. i may as well be crying because i miss them and aren't they nice, rather than crying because i have a dumbass job and the dry air here is giving me split ends.

i'm serious. i haven't had split ends in years. suddenly they are everywhere and i blame the lack of humidity as well as the shitty haircut i got where the woman didn't even get my hair wet first; she just hacked at it like a moron. i should have just gotten up and left when she did that, instead of paying her and thanking her like an idiot.

i'm totally over-emotional today because i couldn't go back to sleep last night and aside from a small nap (twenty minutes) this afternoon i've been up since 3:30 this morning. i'm sort of tired and fussy.

things i have to do today

  1. go to the bank. if i don't put some money in there, the rest of my day will be screwed.
  2. wash my car and vacuum out the inside. colorado is dirty. with no rain, cars get dusty and stay dusty until you do something about it. i also lost a button in my car yesterday, and really want to find it becuase it's new and has a gnome on it. while hunting around for it i had to put my hand under the seat and that was a horrifying experience. once i find the button, i've got to give it a good vacuuming. there's all this hair in there. even though it's mine, and it's clean, it's not on my head and that freaks me out.
  3. take a shower. maybe that should be on top of my list.
  4. go to the grocery store. i need sandwich supplies, yogurt, and grape nuts. well, not grape nuts, the grocery store brand equivalent. i actually sort of hate grape nuts and their imitators, but it's the one breakfast i can scarf down that's reasonably healthy for me, inexpensive, and filling.
  5. i should go for a really long walk to tire myself out; my sleeping pattern last night got all sorts of messed up and now i'm tired but totally unable to sleep. sometimes i can tire myself out like a little kid and that makes me feel better.
  6. pay bills. see note #1.

i woke up at 3:30 this morning

it's now 6. stupid weird sleeping patterns. i might try to go back to bed now.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

why i love vincent d'onofrio

  1. he's built exactly the way i like a man to be built: not chubby, exactly, but pleasantly thick. i don't know, i can't date a thin man. i like something to hold on to.
  2. he's a brunette. maybe because i am one, i like those.
  3. he's not conventially handsome. which isn't to say he isn't handsome, he is, but he's got his own thing going on. nice face, good build, but he hasn't tried to straighten his teeth or get a tan to make himself more marketable.
  4. he's smart. i like smart.
  5. he's a little bit of a smart-ass. if there's one thing i always fall for it's the smart-ass boy. a funny man will win me over faster than any other man.
  6. he's in happy accidents, which i loved the first time i saw, and even more now. found it at the library today, and was a very happy girl.

i really do hate gwen stefani

i mean, she might be fine to go out with and have drinks and gossip about our friends and boys with, but her music is just so awful. i mention this because she is on an episode of SNL that happens to be on this afternoon.

wednesday is my saturday, and this one i've sort of pissed away. i did make it to the library and post office, but that's all. now i'm having cocktails in the afternoon and watching television. rock! i did find some stuff at the library that made me pretty happy, including another stevie wonder album. this one i'm going to send a copy of to tiernan, because he's in love with the harmonica and who plays the harmonica better than stevie? it is also my opinion that you cannot expose kids early enough to motown. it should be one of those things that women play to kids in the womb, the way they take prenatal vitamins.

i want to knit today, but i am also really enjoying the cocktail and tv watching.

i really want to go to sxsw this year, especially since i going would mean getting to see my friends, but i'm waiting to see what happens with my sister and maggie. if my brother in law goes to dive school, maggie and my sister are going to my parent's house for a few weeks, and if that happens, mom and pop want to buy me a ticket to come home as well. i feel awful taking a ticket from them, but then again, it would mean getting to go home for a bit, meeting my new niece and seeing some of my favorite people. either way, i'm going somewhere in march.

i have also decided that if i were a man, this would be the part of my life where i would grow a beard and think serious thoughts about society, my place in it, and whether i should be the man i'm expected to be, or the man i am. damn i wish i could grow a beard.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

now i bitch about temp agencies

it seems like in order to get a job in this town, one must go through a temp agency. in the months i've been here, i have not been on one interview that wasn't set up by some third party grifters. in a way, using a temp agency is sort of cool; you sign up and they look for jobs for you, hopefully matching you with places you'll fit in at. it doesn't always work that way though, just look at my current job. the recruiter for it talked it up in a way that made it seem reasonable to me, and oh holy fuck it's really not that great a pairing.* we are an odd couple on a good day.

i was supposed to get a check the friday before last for my last week at the office job i had at the beginning of the year. i had to work that day, so i didn't go in to pick it up. i figured they would just mail it to me, since it came in an envelope with my address on it every other time i'd gotten one. a week went past with no check. today i sent over a little email along the lines of "when do you send out paychecks?" the response was an "oh? you want us to mail it?" well, duh, jackass.

i also got another call from the temp agency that annoys me, and i'm not sure what to do. i might just tell them i have a job right now and if i need them in the future i'll let them know. this agency gets better jobs coming through, but they are really hard to get a hold of, and don't make much of an effort to get back to you if you call them. i know i'm just supposed to be so grateful that they're representing me, but i can't just sit by the phone all day waiting for them to call either. i'm doing my part, keeping in touch, trying to set things up, and i hate that they are so wishy-washy.

i'm not sure if i could find a job right now that i liked, to be perfectly frank. it could be that my job issues are just other issues in new clothes. money is freaking me out, but i'm not that broke (yet). i'm still going through the whole "do i want a career or just a job?" conundrum, trying to figure out what it is exactly that i'm looking for. i know what i don't like, that part is easy, but figuring out what i do like, what i want, and what i'm willing to settle for is another story. i'm glad to be working at all, and maybe i should stop freaking out it and just do it. the job i have right now isn't the greatest, and it does make me feel weird that i'm 28 years old with a college degree making lists at a cell phone store and telling people when their cell phone rep is ready, but fuck it. it's paying the bills and giving me a moment to breathe and it never asks more than two days in a row from me.

i think i've been hard on myself lately. i just moved and am getting settled and it's perfectly normal for me to be homesick and lonely and a little stressed out. it would be weird if i wasn't. jesus! i need to calm down and just let myself muddle through for a while. this might make for boring, neurotic posts, but if that's the case and you get annoyed, then go read something else.

*i will admit, though, that i'm getting to like my co-workers. they're funny. they remind me what it is i like about retail work, mainly the camaraderie. i also got my official uniform shirts today, and that softened me up a bit for some strange reason. with my insomnia acting up the way it has been lately as well, i'm sort of glad for the later start time at the place. i don't know. maybe this is what happens in an arranged marriage when you get over being freaked out and start to resign yourself. maybe we will fall in love.

Monday, February 06, 2006

wasn't even there

i rented the man who wasn't there from the library this weekend. it's lovely. i can't believe how beautifully shot it is; making a movie in black and white is a hard thing to do and the coen brothers do it well. it's dark and well-written, tense and surprising. i'd always wanted to see it, but never got around to it.

i love netflix, but the things i choose on there i do so in advance, with a theme in mind. never two freaky movies side by side, never too many musicals at once, etc. i put stuff on there all the time that i've always meant to see, but often i put the things i really want to see at the top of the list before the other ones come around. the beauty of the library movie system is that i run into things at random, and either have to watch or leave it there. you never know what you'll find.

(also, how can you not love boys who can make dark, gorgeous noir and the big lebowski? genius.)

Sunday, February 05, 2006

i summon you here

dude! spoon on veronica mars! singing an elvis costello song! i love you veronica mars. i admit i have not been watching much, and last week when i caught the show i was so far behind i was actually confused and had to go to television without pity to catch up. now that i'm back in the loop i can't remember why i stopped watching. i think that month i spent moving threw me off. that, and all the law & order reruns. i'm just glad i rediscovered the show.

went and saw capote today rather than watch too much football (and my home team lose). i thought the theater would be a lot more quiet, seeing as it was the sooperbowl, but i think there were a lot of people here who didn't care. after all, the kids in colorado love the broncos, and since they weren't playing there wasn't much incentive to watch. the film was really good. depressing, but great. not as bad as the weatherman (which makes you want to seek out sharp things for poking into the soft fleshy parts of yourself), but sad nonetheless. i love capote's writing, so it was fun to see philip seymour hoffman play him. he got the voice just right, and even though he's a big guy (much bigger than capote, although i'm also bigger than he is), he never looked excessively big. well, his hands are a bit like sausages (hey! mine too!), but what could you do about that? i also loved catherine keener. she was amazing as harper lee. if you like capote's writing, then you'll like the film. also, i used too many parentheses. sorry about that.


it's my day off (my wednesday is a day off for me, and sunday is wednesday as far as i'm concerned), and i woke up at 7:30 this morning. that's so ridiculous. i'm so annoyed. i should be asleep!

superbowl today. i might go to the movies. i should clean my room.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

say hello to my little corner of hell!

hello, cell phones.

maybe i should have said something earlier, because as soon as i told you how much i hated my job, how anxious it makes me, and how "gee, moving can be hard for months," i started feeling better.

don't take this to mean i'm going to make a career out of this crappy job, but i don't know. i just feel like maybe this is indeed something i can muddle through without resorting to burning anything down or telling someone to shove their cell phone up their ass.

here is a list i made yesterday at work, which is sort of funny and sort of pathetic. oh wait, pathos can totally be funny, so make that a funny list!

things i saw today 2/3/06:
  1. a girl with bleach blonde hair--dark like mine originally, now fried to the consistency of stale cotton candy. piled high in a puff on the top of her head.
  2. weird as fuck music today: jason mraz to hall & oates, then rod stewart and then roxette. am i having a stroke and this is all a dream?
  3. an older lady with a pink leather biker jacket on. i don't know if that makes me cheerful or annoyed.
  4. dear white women over the age of 40, fringed leather jackets are not for you. neither are puffy boots.
  5. a gaggle of young men smoking cigars and trying to look cool. they looked like chumps.
  6. jeans tucked into boots, even on a hot 16 year old girl, in never a good look.
  7. meth-heads love me. one lady told me about her MRI, which they gave her drugs for but she gave them to her boyfriend (!) and so freaked out in the tube. then she told me he was cheating on her, and how she was forty and had only hade five partners in her life and suddenly she was veryclose to me and i knew way too much. she had the look of a woman who'd used a lot of meth; pocked skin, sunken cheeks, stringy hair and the teeth. you know meth teeth when you see them. it was very sad. i gave her a soda.
  8. they could play the eurythmics every day and i would be okay with that. it's the only song on the stupid store cd that i can hear over and over again that doesn't make me sick.
i still woke up early this morning, after having some seriously fucked-up dreams (i believe these dreams are called "nightmares"), but not as panicked. which is something.

when i like it here, i really like it here, but when i'm unhappy i tend to be just ridiculously miserable. the strange thing is how i can go back and forth a few times in a week; i sort of thought i'd move, be too busy for homesickness and all that that, get a job, settle in, become sad for a while when i realized what i'd done, then snap out of it and be a-okay. of course, it's not like that at all. it can change on a daily basis. it's a fairly big adjustment, when you get right down to it.

the truth is, seattle and i weren't exactly best friends when i left. i felt stymied and trapped there, and really needed a change. i knew if i stayed i'd never leave, i'd stay stuck in the same rut, doing the same things, complaining about the same shit and wondering what would have been if i'd ever actually moved. everyone does this at some point, i just did it later than most kids. i don't think i'll stay out here forever, but i'm not going home for a while. it's hard to explain why i think i need to do this, but i know i have to. i know it's going to suck for a while, then hopefully get better.

the work situation is troubling, but yesterday i thought at least i'm working. yes, this job sucks major ass (oh my, it is like the king of suck), but i never have to go in more than two days in a row, and i can sneak in a game of sudoku and make snarky lists at my little podium.

i didn't get the other job. the temp place i'm using right now sort of annoys me because i can't call and talk to anyone, and i think the guy who's placing me was irritated i didn't call him right back yesterday, but he called at the start of my shift and i had to wait until lunch. i can't just sit around waiting for him to decide he can call me back or talking to some snippy receptionist who won't let me just leave a fucking voice mail.

maybe by the time he finds me a new job i'll be sufficiently broken in spirit to love anything he send me! cross your fingers. (and thanks for the comments yesterday, they made me feel a little less crazy.)

Friday, February 03, 2006

every morning before i go to this shitty job i have a panic attack. i wake up before the alarm goes off, heart pounding like i just got done running a race, wide eyed and confused and freaked out. i spend the rest of the morning up and trying to talk myself out of feeling so shitty. this job sucks, there's no doubt about that; i was basically hired to be a punching bag for customers. they hired a "greeter" so that customers can yell at me and then the salesguys can butter them up and sell them shit they don't need and get their commission. i stand there for hours with people irritated that i can't (and am not allowed) to tell them anything about the phones or plans, or get made fun of by assclowns for just having to stand there. "all you do is stand here and say hello? that's so stupid." yes, jackass, i know.

i fucking hate cell phones. i hate that they're everywhere you go, that kids have them, and that people feel like they can't be alone for more than thirty seconds so they have them surgically attached to their hands. i am the most foolish girl on earth to think that this job was in any way reasonable. i should have never listened to that goddamn recruiter.

yes, it's bad, but it's not so bad that i should panic like this before going in. especially considering i've been there a few times and know that it won't kill me. it doesn't seem to matter that i know all this in my head, my body still revolts against the idea. i'm not sleeping, and when i do it's only for hour-long spurts at best; not sleeping makes me feel sort of over-emotional, which i'm sure is a side effect you would have never seen coming; the days i had off i did nothing but wait and hope for the phone to ring with an offer from the company i interviewed with last week. the call never came and that makes me want to burst into tears.

at the same time, i was the one that accepted this job. the job itself isn't the root of all evil, i think it's what it represents to me. my foolishness, the fact that i'm a million miles from home and just realized this is a bit harder than i thought it would be. i feel like such an idiot, i'm embarrassed to tell you any of this. this was all my idea, so what does that say about me?

Thursday, February 02, 2006


i'm not entirely happy with this bunny. for one, the ears are wonky. the head, also wonky. i think that's because of the lousy instructions around the neck area. that's disappointing to me because 1) i paid for this pattern and 2) i've seen other people knit this bunny and it turned out fine. what the hell?

i'm also not thrilled with the arms. too stumpy.

i followed the instructions! honest! and i followed them to the T. my bunny looks all misshapen and funky. i can't send it to maggie this way, it's too weird looking, and not weird on-purpose, which would make it okay.

i'm just about done with another, smaller one, when it's stuffed i'll see if it looks better.

and one more thing; over the past few days i've used this site a lot to figure out various knitting things. the little videos are ridiculously helpful, especially to someone like me who has a real hard time reading diagrams and pictures of knitting. it's so handy, especially since unlike asking someone to show me in real life, i can rewind and play the clips over and over again. i used it to look up mattress stitch tonight, and realized i've been doing it wrong for, oh, every since i started knitting. i mean, i had the basic idea of it right, only i was doing it in the wrong place. i wish i'd watched that clip before i did bunny's ears.

p.s. okay, i emailed the author of the pattern, and evidently you bind off the tops of the arms, and that's why my neck looks all wonky. which is funny, because that was one of the solutions someone came up with last night. i just didn't think it would work, but i'd had two beers and no dinner at that point, so i bet not much would have made sense. now, sober and having made two of the damn bunnies, i can see how binding off would work.

i love knitting, and lord knows i've been doing more of it than usual, but sometimes it's very math-y to me. in the immortal words of barbie, "math is hard."

you know, i think that made me sound like an ass.

it's true i've been quiet and sort of introverted the past few days. it's true i'm troubled by work and money and doing that whole "i'm not a grown-up but i'm not a kid anymore, what the fuck?" pensive bullshit, but i don't want you to think that i'm also just sitting around writing in my black journal and looking for sharp object to jab into my aorta. no! i just don't want to whine too much, and sometimes if you don't have anything nice to say, then you really should just keep your piehole in the seated, upright position, tray closed.

here is a list of things that don't suck, more for my sake than yours:
  1. maggie. my sister and brother in law finally got it together and got a flickr account, so now i can see new photos of her almost daily. i love that.
  2. if you loved me, you'd send me one of these valentines.
  3. curb your enthusiasm. i had no idea how much i'd love it. but i do! larry david would tell someone to suck it, so it's like we're twins seperated at birth.
  4. i am making a million of these bunnies, and even though part of the pattern is funked (i thought it was just me until i made people who actually know how to knit look at it and they all went, "yeah, that's not cool," so it's totally not just me), i've figured out how to fix it and they are just so ridiculously cute. when they are done and stuffed i will show you the ones i made.
  5. dr. pepper. sometimes a girl just needs a soda to perk herself up.

also, this is my absolute favorite photo of maggie so far. but there are new ones all the time, so i probably shouldn't say that. i just love her big cheeks and her adorable little mouth. she has the same rosebud that her grandmother and mom have.

i'm not ignoring you

i've just felt really whiny and out of sorts, so i'm keeping it to myself. honestly, you don't want to know. i'll be back when i stop being such a goddamn baby.