best-of lists

given my propensity for lists, i'm always surprised i don't make more of them.  well, i'm surprised i don't blog more of them, if you want me to be honest*.  i wanted to make a best-of 2013 list but not rank my best-of's.  i'm just going to list the cool things that happened this year that i enjoyed, and tell you why. 

•   my niece and her boyfriend and their beautiful baby boy moved to town! meaning, now they are 30 mins away, not states away.  being able to hang out with them and meet the newest member of the family has been wonderful. (marrying D and getting to be a part of his family has brought people into my life that are so awesome.) 
• my mom got her first tattoo.  because she's badass.  for xmas, i gave her a tattoo gift certificate because i'd like to encourage this kind of behavior.  
• my nephew calvin decided i was okay and now hugs me and gives me the tiny pats on the back.  he cuddles up to me and gives kisses, and it kills me. 
• i got to take a whole weekend away with my best friend, with no kidlets or hubbies.  i love our kids, i love our husbands, but what a great, relaxing vacation we had.  three days! sleeping in late! talking! watching movies on cable tv.  i think it was really good for me, and i'm totally planning on doing it again.
• my sister got knocked up again! i am pretty stoked about this. next summer, new baby times for us.  
• she also got engaged, and is so happy to be planning a wedding. it feels great to know she gets to have a wedding and is having so much fun planning it.  i didn't get it before i had my own wedding, but just the whole ceremony of it feels really good, and i'm glad she gets to do it.  plus, i get to buy a fancy dress.  
• it's bittersweet for me that the boychik moved out, but he seems happy and healthy and still lets me make him the occasional sandwich and pester him via text message.  i feel like this is good for him, even if it is hard for me.  
• the girlchild is definitely growing up and into herself.  i've enjoyed the one-on-one time we've had this year together, and while D thinks sometime i'm overbearing and opinionated (because let's face it, i am not shy with opinions), i feel like we're constantly getting to know each other better.  she's done amazing things with art and fashion and creating stuff, and i have this amazing, built-in partner to take field trips with. i am loving it.
• kittens!!! i miss my LuLu all the time, don't misunderstand, but the brothers butthole (which is what we call the two of them; like the brothers karamazov!) are amazing gatos in their own right.  tali and vince are fun, cuddly, irritating and delightful. i hate having to clean two litter boxes, especially when they are capable of pooping anywhere in the great outdoors, but i love those jerks.  
• i have a lot to say about my husband, for sure, but i can boil it down to this: there is no one in the world i think loves me or cares about me the way he does. he's honestly on my side, and backs me up in everything. he's also kind of pushy, and wants me to do more, expects good things from me. i had no idea this is what marriage could be like. plus, cute butt.   

yeah, it's a sappy list. maybe it's the medication. maybe it's the moon. i know i feel like 2013 had a lot of good things in it, and most of those things i owe to my loved ones.  i feel good about 2014.

*i have blogged an awful lot lately.  now i'm up because vicodin is one of those things that doesn't make me sleepy, but instead makes me want to do stuff.  how do you think i could explain this glorious feeling to my shrink and not have her think i was just nuts about drugs? ugh.

things i am trying to do lately

• eat more veggies.  i don't know why this is hard for me; i love veggies.  it's just a cheese sandwich is the easiest thing on earth to make.  
• take less ibuprofen.  i think i take way too much, thanks to my motto, "better living through chemistry."  if something hurts, i take two.  i realized the other day that even though you can buy it over the counter, it still has some long-term side effects.  maybe i'm rushing into using it all the time, so i'm trying to be aware of when i use it and why.  
• taking tips from unfuck your habitat.  so far i've been unfucking my mornings, and while i am not making my bed yet (because when i get up, the husband is still in it!), i'm taking the 20/10's to heart and doing small things more often, instead of being bothered by cleaning everything all at once. 
• going to bed early.  this is part of my "unfuck your morning" routine.  honestly, it is amazing how much more pleasant i am with a good night's sleep to back me up.
• keeping track of my spending.  i'm using the toshl program because, and this is so shallow and lame, it's cute and has great graphs and is crazy easy to use.  keeping track of my spending the last few weeks has been illuminating, to say the least.  
• more doing things in real life, less internet-ing.  for all the time i spend online, you'd think i'd blog more! 
• water my houseplants.  it's been hot, and i've been paying attention to them, and guess what? they all look amazing.  whoooo!

• the other big thing i have been trying to do lately is not stress out.  i have lots of good reasons to drink a lot of beer and/or pull my hair out, like our truck dying, a giant doctor's bill that showed up that we don't have the money to pay for, and looming property taxes, so instead of freaking out, i'm just trying to take everything one step at a time.  oh, and i'm making lists.  and giggling at LOLGOTHS. 

guilty pleasures

• ancient aliens.  i know, i know, it's ridiculous, but i love how earnest everyone on the show is, i love how they interpret history, i love that they're willing to be out and proud about their fringe beliefs!  
• legos all over the living room.  sure, we pulled them out for my nephews, but did we put them back? no. are we still playing with them? yes.
• blueberries.  they have been on sale lately, and we are eating them by the gallon.  i guess i don't have to feel guilty about that one, but we are enjoying them immensely.
• gardner dozois's sci-fi anthologies.  some of the stories are hit and miss, like all anthologies, but the ones that are good tend to be really good. also, ellen datlow doesn't come out with enough collections, while this guy reads a crazy amount of stuff and edits a book every year. (he's a hard working dude.)  while i always feel kind of guilty not reading a "real" book when i have the time, i should probably cut myself some slack.  i am, after all, reading, and that's never a bad thing. 

technically, NOT resolutions

at the risk of turning this into a house-blog, here is a list of things i would like to do to my home this year!

• paint my bedroom.  i bought a really lovely, icy shade of pale blue for the walls but have yet to actually paint them.  currently the shade down there is a green like cheap chocolate chip mint ice cream, and while it's not the worst, it's not the best.  
• either buy or create a new duvet cover.  i'm not too girly, but one of the things i've always loved is matching bed clothes.  i like a nicely put together bed, and when i was single, that was easy to achieve because i only bought red or pink stuff for the bed. D has never once complained (or spent much time thinking about) about sheets not matching duvet covers, but i've done my best to get rid of all the pink and move into neutral colors.  plus, pink is grand, but i'm also growing up a little and am digging on a soothing palate in the bedroom.  long story short: we need a new duvet cover and some sheets.
• paint the living room.  the walls turned out to be very barely pink, which we not have noticed had i not used a very cool shade of yellow in the kitchen.  i know that the color "warms" a space up, but i hate it. it's such a trivial thing, really, and we're living with it and i'm not going crazy, but i don't like it and want to change it.  i also want to paint the trim in here and cover up the wood on the sills and fireplace mantle with a bright white.  i want clean, modern backgrounds with which to populate with my crazy colorful stuff. 
• rugs! i want some area rugs. to delineate space as well as protect our carpets.
• that downstairs family room is amazing, but needs to be cleaned, organized, and made livable.  there's so much to do down there that i'm going to leave it at that.
• i'm also going to ask my husband very nicely to make me some built-in bookshelves.  there's some space in the upstairs hallway that's begging to be used!
• outside, i'm looking forward to doing a little gardening. nothing too big or ambitious this year; a nice small bed of veggie will do just fine.  i want to get started though, and see how well the soil does here.

it will be interesting to see if anything on this list gets done this year, and what things not on my list do get done.  overall, as long as the roof doesn't sprout a leak and a giant sinkhole doesn't eat the house, i'll be happy.  (i'll just be happier once the living room walls don't look so geriatric and boring.)

random list of things i am loving

• making the baba ganoush, while D does the hard work of actually making the pitas.  okay, it's not that difficult, but i like it when he makes the pitas. 
• bjork!  we watched sucker punch the other night and one of the things i noticed was a) the soundtrack kicked ass, and b) it was all covers except for bjork.  because, really, how on earth could anyone cover bjork?!  that's right, you can't.  i had to go pick up some old bjork albums to scratch that odd icelandic itch, and now of course i think i should go all the way back to the sugarcube days. 
• jeremiah weed "spiked cola."  yes, it is indeed a malt beverage, which i know means that i am one classy broad.  it's just seriously delicious, and sometimes i want a rum/whiskey and coke and don't feel like buying a whole bottle of either and/or going out.  my problem is solved! thank you, kind folks at jeremiah weed.
• the smell of the coals heating to cook dinner over.  dear diary, i love any kind of grilled goodness.  
• i recently discovered blackwork embroidery.  i'm not sure why it took so long, but now that i've found it, i'm fairly smitten.  i've been doing more cross-stitch in general lately, but i think blackwork is next on my list of things to try. 

it's a mental health friday!

i only had two patients today, and one incredible jackass for a tech, so i called out.  i know, that's terrible, isn't it? only i don't feel bad.  at all.  instead, i'm excited about having an extra day to get stuff done!  here is a list of things i hope to do this weekend:

• unpack more boxes.  
• specifically, make the kitchen a lot more livable.  it's the room we use the most, so it kind of needs to be organized.
• make a bird feeder.  i saw this neat one and thought it would look cool in our yard.  my main tech and co-worker was a bird biologist before he got into MRI.  i have always loved birds, but not really known much about them.  since working with him the past few years, i've learned a lot.  he doesn't use a feeder; he prefers to sprinkle seed on the ground and watch from his deck, but i think i would also like to have a feeder.  the bird watching site linked above has a tremendous amount of information.
• my mom bought me a beautiful red maple that i want to find a place for as well.  it's still in its pot, but it needs to find a home in our yard!

the only other things going on over here are lots of masters of horror on the netflix, some bran muffin making (i know it sounds crazy, but the bob's red mill recipe is so good! i add coconut, flax seeds and dried cranberries, and they get gobbled up.), and some comic book reading.  that's one of the awesome things about no tv, we're all reading a lot more.  the move also uncovered some calvin and hobbes books, which we are all enjoying.  now i'm going to go drink some coffee, eat a muffin, and read up on the birds in my area.  i am already loving this friday!  

things that are awesome about this sunday

1. having a laptop, so i can compute in the living room while drinking coffee.
2. spiking said coffee with cocoa.
3. having a boyfriend in the kitchen making pitas.
4. internet shopping on the couch.  
5. reading the NYtimes.
6. garlic toast for breakfast.
7. knitting! 

oh, also

just a few random thoughts for you:

• i have decided that when i get my yurt out in the woods, and i build my outhouse,* i'm going to paint it to look like a tardis.
• i left an apple next to a bag of dried apricots for an afternoon, and then ate the apple.  the apple was like a terrifically crispy apricot, and i loved every minute of it.  
• reading Bizarro fiction is a little bit like watching someone else's dream.  you have to just go with it, and accept it for what it is, and then it's fun. i have also decided that it's okay to like some of it, and to think some of it is crap.  
• there is nothing quite as satisfying as a giant cup of fountain soda.  i've read more than one news horror story about the dangers of bacteria growing in soda fountains, and so for the most part abstain, but when i have one, i remember how good they are.  what is it about soda from a fountain that makes it taste so much better than soda from a can?  i bet it's the bacteria.
• i brought a book with me on this camping trip, like i do every camping trip.  it was something i picked up a few weeks ago, and purposefully set aside for the trip.  i like having something new to read, and this book sounded good.  the first night i realized why it sounded so good: i'd already read it.  the copy i picked up had a different cover, and evidently as much as i enjoyed it the first time, it wasn't enough to remember when i picked it up again.  i am a dork.

*i totally want an outhouse.  i know that's weird, but i think of it this way: i won't need a septic tank, or to be hooked up to a sewer system to have one.  it will be it's own little room, out in the woods, where a girl can poop in the majesty of nature, while reading a magazine.   

trying something new

while reading one of my favorite webcomics, inkdick (how can you not love the name?!) i came upon this idea, which came via this blog. in short; you make ten goals a day, then check them off as you finish them. you pick a time period (a week, months, years?), and you graph your productivity. i like the idea. it combines lists with stars* and getting things done. i made my list this afternoon, and so far have gotten 5 of the 10 things done.

one of those things was to make a small drawing. i worked on acorn drawings, and am thinking about making my own rubber stamp for our wedding invitations. i was thinking an address stamp would make all the, well, addressing, easier. plus, there a million lovely custom stamps on etsy, and i never need much of an excuse/reason for shopping on etsy. i'm not sure my stamp carving skills are all that great, seeing as i've never actually made a stamp, so perhaps i'll get a good design and talk one of those crafty etsy kids into making it up for me. so many ideas!

remind me tomorrow to put watching an episode of the simpsons on my list. i'm pretty sure i can get that done.

*i don't think the official idea has anything to do with stars, but i want to make a big chart where i give myself stars for being awesome.

hooray for february!

i can't believe how quickly this year is going past so far! it's like it took a running start or something. january was literally here just a second ago, and now it's gone. *poof*

today is the first day of the second month, and i'm planning on getting some stuff done. to that end, i will be loading the ipod up with podcasts, shutting the computer off, and getting into the shower, post-haste. today i'm hoping to accomplish the following:

• the sewing room needs a good tidy and clean. i can't actually do any sewing in here! my yarn is all kind of hidden, which i think might not be such a good idea. if i can see what i have, i might actually use it, instead of repeatedly buying yarns almost identical to the ones i have at home.
  
• the living room also needs a good once-over. i think the weekend i was in portland it was completely ignored, and as much as i harass the kids to clean up after themselves, sometimes i want it clean the way i want it cleaned. i am such a tyrant.
• pay some bills. boo hiss.
• go someplace new with D to eat. we like to do this on mondays; we find some place we've never tried and go eat lunch there. lunch is usually cheaper than dinner, and we sit and talk about how good/bad the food is, what could be improved, try to guess what the ingredients are, critique the staff and decor, and have a pretty good time. we're dorks, but i'm glad we're dorks together.
  

things that will automatically endear you to me

or, i knew i liked you for a reason:

1. you like to take naps. this applies to toddlers, cats and dogs, and friends. although with some folks, we don't nap together so much as we nap in the same room. my co-worker and i plot out our nap schedule early in the day, which is one reason we get along so well.
2. you like to knit/sew/crochet/make stuff. maybe you like to make stuff i can't, like bicycles or souffles, or woodcut illustrations, which means i like you even more and hey? can you show me how to do that?
3. you are a nerdy teenager with a questionable haircut. for some reason, i am a sucker for this. if you are a goth teenager, watch out, because i will try to hug you and make you listen to bauhaus cds with me. they bring out the weird mama-bear instinct in me. goth kids are like catnip!
4. you like comics.
5. you enjoy sneaking beers or cocktails into the movie theater. honestly, just about any and every movie ever made could benefit from a little whiskey or vodka poured into your soda. true story.
6. do you wear red shoes? because those are my favorite shoes, and if you are wearing them, suddenly i find you a lot more likeable.

there's more, of course, but today i was thinking about all the things that make me more likely to decide i like a person. i started thinking about it when i was explaining to someone else why i like my job so much (hint: it has nothing to do with the actual work i do, and more to do with being lucky enough to spend my days with someone pretty like-minded).

WAIT! i forgot to add, if you like the joke, "that's what she said!" then we are automatically the best of friends. i can't believe i almost forgot.

bored* to tears

a few work related anecdotes for your amusement!

• the other day i had a gentleman come in wearing flip flops. normally this would be no big deal, as it has been unseasonably warm and flip flops make sense, however, this man had talons instead of toenails. you think i'm joking, but if i'm exaggerating, it's by a millimeter at most. his toes were adorned with the thickest, yellowest, crustiest things i've ever seen. his feet were also painfully dirty and grass-stained, and wouldn't you know it! the machine we use to power-inject contrast dye wasn't working and i had to stand near his feet to inject him by hand. i almost died. knowing they were right there, close enough to touch, freaked me out. i told my coworker that he owed me big time for that.
• yesterday i got to hold a self-professed psychic and obsessive-compulsive's extremely sweaty hand for the duration of her scan. there were a few things about that situation that were all wrong, the first one being that this woman told us all she was psychic and the world was going to end pretty soon. honestly, i don't buy end-of-days stories from anyone who isn't walking the talk. if you seriously and earnestly believe the world is going to come to a fiery end any day now, then wouldn't you act accordingly? i want to see you building a bomb shelter, throwing wild parties, taking that trip you always wanted, or digging a hole in the backyard to lie down in and wait; if you're just talking about it while in a hospital waiting room, with your raffia purse stuffed with water bottles, romance novels and tissues on your way to the grocery store via short medical exam, i'm not going to buy what you're selling. i want to see hysteria, baby, pure unbridled freaking-the-fuck out.
• she also didn't ask me to hold her hand, she demanded it. i'm all for giving out comfort, trust me, but when you natter on endlessly about how i don't seem calm enough for you, and start shrieking, "where's your hand?" the minute you lie down on the exam table, i won't be holding your hand with a smile. sorry. i prefer to be treated like a person, not a prop.
• last week i had a teen boy who was almost 300 pounds come in after falling and hurting himself at football practice. this week i had another football player who was hurt after a 300 lb boy fell on him. coincidence?
• i've seen a lot of my ex-coworkers from haggen this month as well. they all left the store as well, and guess what? not one of us will shop there. good job, haggen! way to alienate your employees so much that they quit, and then boycott your store!
• my coworker bought me a tiny vacuum this week. i got all excited and he dryly remarked, "my wife doesn't get that excited when i buy her that sort of thing. maybe i should stop saying 'merry christmas' and 'happy birthday' when i give her home appliances." yes, maybe that's a plan.

*the "tube" in an MRI machine is known as the "bore." i prefer to call it what it is; a tube, but my bossman looks down on that!

points

• ordered some more new scrubs from UA. ahh, this week has been so comfy and awesome. guess what i discovered? i'm totally a solid scrub girl; no prints for me. i'm not sure why, but i am totally in love with the monochromatic look under a lab coat. i feel impossibly adult.
• the boosh is loose in my house! folks, did you know the wait for the mighty boosh on a dvd that plays in the states is OVER?! i found out today, and am not sure how i missed it for this long. season one is in the house and we are all pleased.
  
• my poor cat is totally flea-ridden and miserable. i just used some of that spot treatment on her last week, so it's too soon to re-dose her. i bought some spray that was supposed to help, but she hates it. it's entirely too hot to try to put the crack down, as well, because this is just primo flea weather. it's hard enough combatting the urge to melt into a puddle; fighting tiny, crafty, biting bugs? i am simply not up for it. this makes me a bad cat mom.
  
• the boychik comes home in a few days! we all kind of miss the little jerk. (i kid! he's really tall. you know, five foot nine and a half.)
• i discovered that these claw clips don't get pulled out by the magnet. guess who stopped brushing her hair? bonus points: named after my favorite cephalopod.
• it's hot in my house. it's hot in your house. it's hot everywhere. people are crabby and going nuts and it's gotten so bad the heat has zapped my will to drink beer.
  

so much to do!

the kids and i are going to the drive-in tonight, to see the new night at the museum and star trek. we're all excited, them more so because it's their very first drive-in experience. can you believe it? i'm glad i get to be the one to take them, because (not to toot my own horn) i am awesome at drive-in's. i pack great picnic snacks, i totally buy popcorn and bring lots of blankets and pillows and will let you act like a jackass as much as you want. before we go, though, there is a ton of stuff that needs to be done around the house. boo hiss!

• the lawn needs to be mowed. the front and the back, and it has to be done today because grandpa will want his mower back tomorrow.
  
• the living room needs to be cleaned. it looks like a tornado hit it, and i swear we just deep cleaned the damn thing a few days ago. if we weren't such slobs...
• dishes need to be put up!
  
• laundry needs to be folded. although i'm willing to let that one go until tomorrow.
• the big car needs a good cleaning and vacuuming. mainly because we want to take it tonight (the seats in the back fold down and we can open up the back and watch from there!), and partly because D is having one hell of a week and i think if i take his car today and return it clean and sparkly he'll be happily surprised.
• i need to go out to my house and pick up some of my stuff. i want to get it all out of there, and SOON so i don't ever have to go back.
  
• we'll need to go to the grocery store for supplies and food as well today. we're out of a bunch of stuff, and i want to pick up cold-cuts and stuff for sandwiches.
  

knowing that after we do all this lame-0 house stuff we get to go to the island and watch movies is making the kids begrudgingly okay with helping out. besides, they do grumble, but they do also get stuff done so i can't really complain. sure, sometimes i have to nag, but i don't mind too much. hee hee...

public service announcement

effective forms of birth control rarely discussed:

1. attending any young child's birthday party at chuck e. cheese. especially useful if the kids are mostly toddlers!
2. babies with head colds on long flights. the screaming, the snot!
3. listening to children whine in the check-out line at the grocery store.
4. crying children at the movie theater.
5. any extended amount of time spent with a surly teenager not directly related to you.
6. chunky spit-up. then later, cleaning up barf when the kids don't make it to the bathroom.
   
7. seeing the hannah montana show, even if only briefly and on accident.
8. really, any mention of miley cyrus does it for me. think of your miley cyrus and insert name here ______.
9. coincidentally being at a museum at the same time as any school field trip.
10. getting caught behind a school bus on your drive home.

i'm sure your children are nice, and i'm glad you had them because i honestly enjoy kids for the most part, but i have to admit lately i'm glad i don't have any of my own. last night after spending three hours at a chuck e. cheese birthday party for a toddler, i was relieved that none of them were going home with me. the cake was awesome, though. dark choclate with a cherry filling!

things that make me feel better

also, reading natalie dee comics; knitting; drinking tea; talking to my friends, and having a thursday off. see, i'm not just a black cloud of doom!

just for me

waking up this morning i see SUN. this makes me feel happy. also having the whole day off, more happy. i have a head full of plans, so i'm going to make a list and see what i can get done today. kind of a boring post for you, but oh well. i promise to update you, at the very least.

things i want to do today

• i have two very detailed cross stitch ideas in my head; i need to make the patterns for them a reality.
• work on bibs for my friend jen, who gave me the bibs to work on many, many months ago.
• wash clothes.
• wash hair.
• go by work and drop off a present for a friend.
• watch movies.
• read watchmen.
• clean my bathroom.
• learn how to french braid my own damn hair.

hopefully i can get some of this done and don't spend all day on-line watching videos on youtube and then being crabby that i wasted the day.

my plans for the day

in list form, so that i may look back later and say, "oh damn, i totally pissed the day away."

• finish laundry.
• return painfully overdue books to the library.
• finish painting on deck and start one as a present for my newly married friends.
• work on my space needle drawing.
• fold clothes and put them away.
• either unpack last two boxes in the middle of my room, or put them in the garage. i can ignore them just as well out there as i do here.
• lament the end of summer. secretly enjoy the crisp fall smell creeping into the air.
• drink coffee. (check that one off, baby!)
• go grocery shopping.
• read more of from hell, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite graphic novels ev-ah. the things is so dense and gorgeous and freaky and delightful. i devoured great chunks of it camping, but i still have more left.
• clean up my grody bathroom. dude, you would think a boy lived in there.
  

reasons i hate my sister

1. she can get me to do pretty much anything with the promise of a new eyeshadow. tonight i'm babysitting my niece in order to get a free lancome shadow, a crazy pretty shade called personal style. in real life it's a lot more peacock-y.
   
2. she got me hooked on maroon five. could adam levine have a more nasally voice? could the songs be any more ridiculous? could i be any more hooked? the answer to all of those is "yes." dammit.
3. her baby is like crack to me, i can't get enough.
4. she's always super-well put together and no matter how cute i feel when i leave the house, i feel shlumpy next to her. true, i take five minutes to get ready and she takes considerably longer, but does she always have to be so damn cute?
5. all the clothes she picks out for me are adorable and expensive and worth it. i spend too much with her! in high school she was my personal stylists and i must admit she's got a good eye for what works on me.
   

my next boyfriend:

• is going to be taller. he doesn't have to be a giant, but he won't be shorter than me either.
  
• will read books on occasion. it doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering or serious, he can be into all tom clancy, all the time, and i will be happy. tucker max is not that funny, not after the first essay or two. to claim he's your favorite writer makes you a douchebag. why didn't i see that sooner?!
  
• will have dark hair. no more redheads!
  
• won't listen to kid rock, limp bizkit or staind. no nü-metal crapola for this girl anymore!
  
• will brush his teeth every morning and every night. no kidding. it's one thing to sort of slack on the oral hygiene when you live on a boat and work 24+ hours at a time; there is no excuse for it on land. do you know how many times i asked him to brush his teeth? i tried nicely, i tried subtle, i tried downright bitchy and nothing worked.
  
• let's add "use deodorant and soap" to the last point. i'm not going to explain it, you're already grossed out.
• won't stash bottles of liquor around the house for later use.
  
• won't honestly believe that the book of revelation is a true story and that the end of times is near so why worry about global warming?
  
• won't be such a loser. promise.
  
• won't, won't, won't have dumbass shamrock tattoos.
  

the list could go on and on. i feel so impossibly retarded for having fallen for such a retard. in my own defense i'd like to blame alaska, and being a fish out of water. in some ways, being there on the boat was the closest i came to doing actual fieldwork. it was a wild ride, i'll give you that, but it probably went on too long. on the other hand, i did not know he was such a drunk out there; an absence of liquor stores floating on the bering sea helped conceal that pretty well. in retrospect i should have taken his family issues more seriously as well. i didn't want to judge him based on them, but it became fairly evident that he thought they were normal and that screaming matches and having the cops called when you have an argument is par for course. he never saw anything wrong with getting belligerent drunk and humiliating me, he would always just shrug and say, "i was drunk." in our final fight he actually said, "what? that's happened two or three times since i've been here?" um, that's about three times too many, don't you think?

i promise not to talk about this much longer. it's weird having him gone, and i am spending a lot of time thinking of how it all went so wrong, what i did wrong, what i'll do next time, wondering if i even want a next time, all that shit. i feel both down about it and totally exhilarated. it's like that moment right before you draw a picture or write a story; there's that sheet of blank paper and it's gorgeous and lovely and clean and you want to use it but not mess it up.