seedlings

i know it really is that time of year; the danger of frost has passed, and i need to get out in my raised bed garden and plant some stuff.  i like my little garden.  this will be year three (!) of living here, and my third attempt at having a real, honest, veggie garden.  the first year was pretty slapdash; we ripped some azaleas out and plunked in some seeds.  the second year, we put in a three raised beds. two did great, one was too shallow.  this year, my plans are pretty modest. i want to grow some beets (i want to grow a billion beets), some peas, some carrots, and a bushel of kale.  the kale from last year actually wintered over! that stuff is amazing. 

i went to my mom's this year for easter.  i love my in-laws, but they get pretty much every holiday, and to be honest, i did not want to have a jesus-easter. i know, i'm a terrible person. the last holiday at their house had a lot of jesus talk (one of D's brothers is getting back into it, and my father-in-law is also very religious) and it just makes me uncomfortable. i'm not like an angry skeptic/slash/atheist, but i had some bad experiences with people who talked a lot about jesus when i was a kid and the whole thing just makes me cringe.  i never say anything, and don't plan on it, but i spend a lot of time worrying at some point i'll get caught rolling my eyes or being an asshole.  i just wanted to eat my mom's ham and be with my sister's kids and my aunt.  it ended up being a very quiet day, and it was great. 

i spent the whole weekend at mom's, which was very nice.  my relationship with my hometown  suffered after my dad passed away.  i used to love going back, but after he died every trip became a nightmare.  i admit, 9 out of 10 times i still burst into tears at some point driving onto the island. weird little things trip me up; baby cows in fields, his favorite grocery store, random memories.  it's probably worse because i drive his truck now and i banked hundreds of hours in that thing with him traveling to and from school. it still smells like his cigarettes on a hot day.  this is really why i will never part with the truck. 

rainy saturday craft

today is a lousy, dark, windy, rainy mess of a day. i took a shower, but i will not put on a bra! i've spent the day inside, crafting and listening to music and feeding my cats treats.  best use of a saturday, really.  i made a thing that is cute though, so i'm going to show you what it is and how to do it yourself!

Birdie Bunting

(or any kind of pretty paper bunting)

what you will need: paper, scissors, thread, tape, tiny hole punch (or awl or sharp needle).  i used a bird-a-day calendar the girlchild got me last year for xmas. it was just too pretty to toss!  i also used a teeny hole punch rather than an awl to punch holes in the paper, and perle cotton thread and a needle for stringing. 

i have a punch that cuts out 1 and a quarter inch circles that came with my button maker. i love this thing. it's heavy duty and works like a charm. if you do not have one of these, no biggie! pick something circular to use as your template, and just trace around the images you want and cut out with scissors. they also make large circular paper punchers for scrapbooking that you could use. OR you could use some other cute shape. i used circles because i could. 

if you are lucky enough to have a kitten helper, then you are awesome. i put the circles i punched out in a crock that was nearby, and tali had a good time sorting through them. 

 

i tried a few different way of stringing the circles on some scrap paper.  there are probably a bunch of ways to do it, but i liked the string through the back, on the top of the picture. 

to hold the circles where i wanted them, i used a teensy bit of washi tape. you can use any tape or glue you want! did i need to use washi tape? no. you aren't really supposed to see the back, after all. i used it because it was cute, dammit.  i like cute. 

after i strung up all my sweet birdies, i hung is like this! (the picture above is a great print of a watercolor painting of my hometown's main street {coupeville represent!} that my aunt got me for my wedding anniversary.  she's the best.)

and a close up of the birdie faces.  this isn't even a whole month's worth of birds cut out, so i have a feeling i will be making more of these.  i'll probably send some to friends, and then festoon my house with cheerful bird friends. 

best-of lists

given my propensity for lists, i'm always surprised i don't make more of them.  well, i'm surprised i don't blog more of them, if you want me to be honest*.  i wanted to make a best-of 2013 list but not rank my best-of's.  i'm just going to list the cool things that happened this year that i enjoyed, and tell you why. 

•   my niece and her boyfriend and their beautiful baby boy moved to town! meaning, now they are 30 mins away, not states away.  being able to hang out with them and meet the newest member of the family has been wonderful. (marrying D and getting to be a part of his family has brought people into my life that are so awesome.) 
• my mom got her first tattoo.  because she's badass.  for xmas, i gave her a tattoo gift certificate because i'd like to encourage this kind of behavior.  
• my nephew calvin decided i was okay and now hugs me and gives me the tiny pats on the back.  he cuddles up to me and gives kisses, and it kills me. 
• i got to take a whole weekend away with my best friend, with no kidlets or hubbies.  i love our kids, i love our husbands, but what a great, relaxing vacation we had.  three days! sleeping in late! talking! watching movies on cable tv.  i think it was really good for me, and i'm totally planning on doing it again.
• my sister got knocked up again! i am pretty stoked about this. next summer, new baby times for us.  
• she also got engaged, and is so happy to be planning a wedding. it feels great to know she gets to have a wedding and is having so much fun planning it.  i didn't get it before i had my own wedding, but just the whole ceremony of it feels really good, and i'm glad she gets to do it.  plus, i get to buy a fancy dress.  
• it's bittersweet for me that the boychik moved out, but he seems happy and healthy and still lets me make him the occasional sandwich and pester him via text message.  i feel like this is good for him, even if it is hard for me.  
• the girlchild is definitely growing up and into herself.  i've enjoyed the one-on-one time we've had this year together, and while D thinks sometime i'm overbearing and opinionated (because let's face it, i am not shy with opinions), i feel like we're constantly getting to know each other better.  she's done amazing things with art and fashion and creating stuff, and i have this amazing, built-in partner to take field trips with. i am loving it.
• kittens!!! i miss my LuLu all the time, don't misunderstand, but the brothers butthole (which is what we call the two of them; like the brothers karamazov!) are amazing gatos in their own right.  tali and vince are fun, cuddly, irritating and delightful. i hate having to clean two litter boxes, especially when they are capable of pooping anywhere in the great outdoors, but i love those jerks.  
• i have a lot to say about my husband, for sure, but i can boil it down to this: there is no one in the world i think loves me or cares about me the way he does. he's honestly on my side, and backs me up in everything. he's also kind of pushy, and wants me to do more, expects good things from me. i had no idea this is what marriage could be like. plus, cute butt.   

yeah, it's a sappy list. maybe it's the medication. maybe it's the moon. i know i feel like 2013 had a lot of good things in it, and most of those things i owe to my loved ones.  i feel good about 2014.

*i have blogged an awful lot lately.  now i'm up because vicodin is one of those things that doesn't make me sleepy, but instead makes me want to do stuff.  how do you think i could explain this glorious feeling to my shrink and not have her think i was just nuts about drugs? ugh.

2013 to 2014

champagne with frozen pineapple

 new year's eve was delightful. i drank too much "champagne," meaning i drank too much barefoot bubbly.  i love their sparkling pinot gris. i especially love it with frozen pineapple. it becomes insanely cold, and then you have sweet chunks of fruit to eat at the end.  it's a win win WIN.  my husband made this insane-o spread of nibbles, that included chips and dips, a giant crudité tray, fresh ceviche and salsa, cheese and crackers, salami and paté.  it was amazing. 

last selfie of 2013 in a ridiculous sweater

 i wore this ridiculous sweater i found at forever 21 with the girlchild.  boxy sweaters are a fat-girl's friend at places like forever 21! (this forever 21 doesn't carry the plus line, but they should.)  i blurred the bottom of the photo out because there is an awful lot of toothpaste on my bathroom mirror. 

crazy quilting in action

 i started working on a crazy quilt top for a pillow i've had laying around.  i've really been enjoying my new sewing machine.  i have a few projects that i'm hoping to finish this year that i started last year, or even back in 2012.  hooray for long-lasting projects!

my first big thing of 2014 was that i had my very first surgery today.  i think getting to 36 without going under any knife is pretty good, don't you think?  i mean, i had my wisdom teeth taken out, but this was a real, operating room surgery.  about two months ago i noticed a hard lump on my neck, about the size and shape of an olive pit.  it was weird and it stuck out and it made me nervous. a visit to the doctor and an ultrasound confirmed it was a rogue lymph node.  now, since my dad had lymphoma, i'm kind of cautious with my own nodes.  the doctor's thought this was pretty reasonable. we watched it for a bit, then i had to decide if i would have a biopsy or just have it removed.  the node was only about a centimeter and a half long; a biopsy might not have gotten enough tissue. plus, i'd still have the weird lump on my neck that made me self-conscious.  removing it seemed like a better idea, as we'd know then exactly what it was, and either way, no lump on me. 

i've included a photo after the jump, which is just a bit of bloody steri-strip. you can skip it if you want!

oh, hi!

i have been bad about blogging.  which is okay.  i think it's like any hobby, with peaks and valleys.  i wanted to make sure i caught up on some stuff though, before the new year begins.

 i got a new sewing machine for my birthday! hooray!  i've been making little zippered pouches and practicing my quilting on oven mitts.  although to be honest, i have yet to make an oven mitt that has worked.  all the mistakes have been pretty illuminating, though, and at some point i will make an oven mitt that is both cute and useful.  someday.  sigh.

 

the boys are now a little over eight months old. not quite grown up cats, but still pretty kitten-ish.  they are GIANT.  here is vince in a tote bag.  that face! they both love hiding in bags, boxes, and on top of clean laundry.  what cat doesn't?

i made some tie-dyed tote bags for xmas presents this year.  i love tie-dye.  the hippie part of me is still very active, i guess. 

i was talking the other day of creating a place to store and display my ever-growing collection of tote bags.  my thought was to put it right behind the door of my bedroom, but D said it would be pretty cool in the space by the entryway.  we live in a split-level, so when you walk in, there's a lot of wall space right there.  currently i've been adding photos to one area, which has filled a small area.  the tote bags would look great there, though, and fill the area better.  i'm excited about working on that project.

i think 2014 will see a lot more home improvement projects around here.  we had an issue with a broken pipe out in the driveway (which we were lucky enough to be able to fix ourselves!), which made us think about what we have saved up, what things needs to be done around the house, and make a plan.  first we need a new oven (boooooo), so that will go on layaway at sears.  then i want to finish our bedroom (paint it and lower the bed a bit, maybe make a headboard), and work on the entryway.  we have an honest-to-goodness spare bedroom now too, and we're going to try our hand at laying down laminate and put up some bookshelves.  we've decided it will be a good room to practice in.  when it's done, it will be a room full of books and where we can do yoga and meditate. a nice, quiet spot, as well as a good place for guests to stay. 

the holidays were great, the kids are doing well, and i'm trying to spend less time on the internet and more time doing other stuff.  which makes for boring blogging!  i put a lot of random things over on tumblr, though, if you want to check that out.  i hope your holiday was great, and that 2014 treats you well! 

how did it go?

my new therapist is a lovely, older hippie lady.  complete with moccasins and a suede leather vest, long white hair, cute round glasses.  it felt good to talk to her.  i cried, like i thought i would, and she thinks that the medication i've taken for the past 14 or so years just needs to be increased a bit. (i'm actually still on the starter dose of paxil, which isn't a lot, so she doubled it).  i was worried about that, because part of me always thinks that if i increase the dose, getting off of it is going to be impossible.

the thing is, the withdrawal from the small amount i take now was hellish.  is it going to be worse if i ever have to go off a higher does? probably.  i don't think i'm going to get to go off my medication, though.  that thought makes me sad, but it is likely that i will have to take some sort of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication from here on out.

we talked about how guilty i feel about being anxious, and how that's maybe not the most useful of emotions.  we talked about my dad.  we talked about the kids and D and work, and the therapist thinks that essentially i have anxiety with some depression, and unresolved grief issues.  i tend to agree.

in two weeks i'll go back to see her, and we'll start working through things.  right now i'm adjusting to the new dose of medication (hello, sleepyhead), trying to figure out a way of asking my boss for an hour off every two weeks for a while, and trying to feel more normal.  lately i feel highly emotional, which i don't enjoy, but i think part of the reason i tend to get to these bad spots is because i am so reticent to talk about things.  which is a funny thing to say from a woman who keeps a very public blog.  i would rather brush things off or make a terrible joke about it or stew about it privately than have an honest conversation about my emotions.

i also keep having these very intense, angry dreams.  in them, someone slights me in some way; either they say something mean about me, to me, or about my loved ones, and i go ballistic.  i push, i yell, i threaten violence in very explicit language, i try to punch and slap and fight but my limbs are leaden and all i can do is shove people around.  i wake up agitated and sore in the jaw from clenching.  hello, subconscious.  what are you trying to tell me?  ugh.

on finding a doctor

this post is  just me talking about finding a new doctor and about being nervous. some of it is a repeat of stuff i've written about before.

(and it is also a re-post from tumblr.  yes, i have a tumblr. i'm too old for tumblr and do not give a fuck!)

thursday at 21 vs. thursday at 35

when i was in college, thursday nights in bellingham were all about going out.  friday and saturday were busy, don't get me wrong, but thursday was the big night because one bar did $1 pitchers, one bar did .50¢ well drinks (for only an hour, but what an hour it was!), and at another bar it was 80s night.  honestly, for $10 you could get drunk, dance your pants off, and find some nice boy to make out in a corner with.  my friends and i used to go out pretty much every thursday, sometimes getting burritos first to make sure no one drank liquor on an empty stomach.  i made out with cute boys and boys were only cute because i was full of cheap beer.  it sounds tawdry, but it was really a lot more like spin the bottle than the jersey shore.  i remember it being a little wild, very funny, but beyond some kissing not too many made it to second base or beyond.

thursday nights lately have meant a house all to myself.  D and the girlchild work on thursday nights (she babysits for one of his co-workers), the boychik is usually working or out and about (19 year old boys are an elusive group), and i get to do whatever i like.  that usually involves watching a movie no one else would enjoy, having something random for dinner, like toast, and maybe painting my nails.  it's not quite the screaming hilarity of my youth, but alone time is so rare when you are a grown-up with a family.  it feels a shame to waste it on dishes or laundry, or going out.

i will admit, though, sometimes i miss drinking those lukewarm pitchers of beer and flirting with boys and making an ass of myself on the dance floor. maybe tonight i'll put on a greatest hit of the 80s cd and dance around my house. 

cleaning

i hate cleaning my room.  hate it! as a grown-up, i've done pretty much everything i can to avoid having to clean it.  at the same time, a clean room feels nice.  some tidiness makes all the difference; things can be found, stuff i don't use or want can be thrown away or donated, and the very act, while loathsome, does make me feel productive. 

to that end, i've spent some time today listening to podcasts while cleaning.  i love the unfuck your habitat tumblr (it's really great!), and one of the tips on there is so easy; work for about twenty minutes, then take ten off.  all the welcome to night vale podcasts are about twenty minutes long, so that's the soundtrack to tonight.  have you heard the night vale podcast?!  it's hilarious and smart and cheeky and i love it.  i can't believe i'd never heard of it before.  i'm slowly catching up, throwing things away, and putting clothes (gasp!) on hangers in my closet.  it's wild over here. 

i'm that crazy cat lady

except i'm totally not, i swear!  the boys keep getting bigger and bigger.  we've had them for just a few days over a week now, and this is how big they've gotten.  so fast! they spent a few days checking things out, learning about litter boxes, and they've been off and running ever since.

it's hard to get a clear photo of them when they are doing anything but napping, but this one comes close.  the one on the bottom is tali (like tally), and the one on top is vincent, but we call him vince.  they are incredibly fun, needless to say.  my husband at first i think was a bit gun shy about getting two cats, but they have so much fun together! watching them careen throughout the house, knocking each other over, playing, then curling into a little ball of kitten fur is endlessly amusing.   plus, they honestly seem to like each other.  i mean, they tussle like tiny MMA fighters, but if you've found one, the other is right around the corner.

they are also both very sweet and loving.  when i get up in the morning, i come out to the downstairs den and they pop out from wherever they were hiding (right now it's under the couch, but soon they'll be too big for that), purring loudly and peeping, rubbing up against me for pets and loves.

it's not all kitten fun times around here, though.  school is winding down for the girlchild, and there's a more than good chance summer school is in her future.  i have a lot of anxiety about her starting high school in the fall, but i can only focus on now, so i try to keep the worry to a minimum.  as if trying to do that ever works.  the boychik has a job, and i think a new girl he's hanging out with.  he tried to convince me he went to see a will/jaden smith movie by himself this afternoon.  do i look retarded?! some plants died in my garden (i planted them too early) but luckily it's only really getting warm now so i can just plant some more.  new job and life stress is making my eczema just blossom (hoo-fucking-ray!), but i figure itchy is okay.  i can handle itchy.  overall, things are good but busy, and it will be awesome when these boys figure out pooping outside.  litter boxes: making rooms smell like pee since forever.

the longest quilt

 i started this quilt over ten years ago.  well over ten years ago.  i got all the blocks cut own and sewn together in long strips, and even got some of the strips sewn together when i put it in a bag, and forgot all about it. 

 i ran into it again when we moved into the new house.  that was over a year ago.  did i start working on it then?  no, of course not! 

 i think my mom inspired me to pull it out and work on it; last week she mentioned an afghan she had started sometime in the 90's and how she found it in the hall closet and had a friend help her remember the stitch (it's crochet, and we normally knit), and how it was now almost done. 

you can tell this is an early quilt of mine in a few ways, one of them being that at the time i was pretty obsessed with asian fabrics.  most of this was imported, and kind of pricey.  the other thing you can tell is that overall, my sense of color wasn't that great.  i didn't have a good grasp on light and dark color values, and this is all pretty "matchy," although it is still very pretty.  if the fabric you're working with is lovely, there isn't much you can do to distract from that.  i think if i had made it now, it would "pop" a bit more. 

today i pulled it out, ironed the hell out of it, and finished putting it together.  then my stepdaughter and i went to joann's fabrics and picked out a nice, all cotton navy blue to do the border and back with.  it won't end up being a quilt, though.  it's going to be a duvet cover for one of the hundreds of comforters we have.  seriously, when i married D, i brought a ridiculous amount of blankets into a house that had it's own treasure trove.  when this family lounges, we LOUNGE.  this will look great on our downstairs couch, and if i didn't have to wash and dry the fabric before using it, i wouldn't even be writing this post, i'd be busy sewing!  i can't even tell you how much fun i had today sewing.  it felt so good to get that part of my nook cleared out and listen to podcasts and just sew away.  i probably spent a good three hours in my room goofing off, and it was wonderful.  i'll have to do more of that, obviously. 

return from medical mountain

my doctor's appointment went well this morning.  she did recommend i go back to get some old fashioned talk therapy from a shrink, and i agreed,  it's been years since i've been to one, i'm sure i'm overdue for a tune-up of the mental variety.  i also had a few health issues that i was busy turning into cancer, which she nicely pointed out were NOT cancer and prescribed some medication to make the itchy parts of me less itchy. 

short work week thanks to thanksgiving, which we are spending at my mom's house this year.  well, most of us are.  the boychik has to work, which is unfortunate, but at 18 he's going to be annoyed if he has to go to big family dinner with us, or annoyed if he has to work, so he may as well get paid.  the only non-annoying thanksgiving i can think of for him right now involves his computer, a large pizza all to himself, and a house with no one in it.  he would have a lot to be thankful for if that were his thanksgiving. 

we're getting deluged out here, and this morning when my husband dropped me off at work i asked for clam chowder for dinner.  how much do i love that i have a partner i can ask that of? and not only that, he makes good chowder.  and when i say it "chow-dah" he only rolls his eyes a little.  hooray! maybe i'll have a midnight bowl of it and go back to bed.  you may have noticed, this post comes to you from the other side of 2 am.  my sleep schedule is undergoing some renovations. 

little black submarines

for quite a while now i've thought i didn't like the black keys.  i'm not sure why; so many of my friends have recommended them to me, and i was like, "yeah, i guess."  this last week, though, i realized how much i loved them, and have been torturing my family with loud late night sing-alongs.  needless to say, we all know all the words now. 

in other news, i think i'm hitting my winter blues early this year.  i have an actual doctor's appointment tomorrow, because no matter how many vitamins i take, how much sleep i get, how much i try to not just lie in bed listening to songs over and over again, i find myself in the same old funk.  i seem to have two speeds, sleepy or nervous.  neither is doing me any good. 

my cat has been gone for about three weeks now, too.  i don't think she's coming home.  i keep having dreams about her, and keep thinking i hear her right outside my window, but no luck.  i miss my lulu. 

such a bummer post!  normally i love fall, and this early holiday season.  that's one reason i know something in my chemistry is off.  after seeing the doctor, i think i'm also going to try to find a nice new shrink who will listen to me and say things like, "and how does that make you feel?" we all know i just want prince valium to come to the rescue, but that might not be the best idea i've ever had!

gardening update

hey, guess what? peas really like to grow. which is awesome if you really like to eat peas, like we do. look at those! and what's sad is that i could have sooo many more peas if i'd given them some more room. i had no idea how big they could get!

my aunt bought me an italian heirloom tomato start, and bought one for herself. for a while both our plants looked pretty sad, but mine has bounced back (sort of; some of the leaves are still droopy) and is at least making some baby tomatoes. i hope the plant stays healthy enough to grow at least one big one!

we bought some seeds this year from baker creek heirloom seeds; they have a crazy amazing selection, but unfortunately for the seeds, i bought a bunch that were not suited to this area and were sacrificed to my learning curve. the one group that did grow was the purple cosmos carrot, which is gorgeous dark plum on the outside, and bright orange on the inside. i haven't grown nearly as many carrots as i thought i would have though, even with my husband's neat seed-sowing trick. i'm going to try another batch and see what happens.

with all the veggies in the garden and in our CSA box, we've been eating a lot of greens. it's been great. last night it was actually hot, and so inside of cooking much (besides grilling some eggplant), i just chopped a lot of beautiful things up, and we made salads and nibbled on bean dip and crackers. it was great. pretty too!

weekend highlights

 here in the skagit valley there is a place called the breadfarm.  they make crazy delicious breads, which admittedly are kind of pricey.  this is not a complaint, honestly, just a fact. they make the kinds of loaves that never last very long, either.  this loaf of sour cherry and lemon bread lasted four hours in our house.  here it is, toasted with butter.  oh my.

 my sister and i took a trip to the lavender wind farm on whidbey island.  you know we grew up there, and yet we still managed to get lost once.  my sister has a friend who had some lotion she bought here and she smelled it and promptly told me we needed to take a trip there.  i'm so glad we did. it was so serene and beautiful, there were all sorts of lovely little paths to follow through the fields, they had cute chickens and we both bought some lavender.  i bought some to make into sachets, and some to cook with.  just this afternoon i made a lavender simple syrup for iced tea, which is quite delicious.

 at the anacortes farmer's market, cascadia mushrooms had a stall, and they were selling my favorite thing, mushroom growing kits!  this one is soaking as we speak, and i'm getting ready to make it a "humidity tent" and set it up downstairs.  the oyster mushrooms we grew were great, but it's agreed that we all like shitake mushrooms better. 

all around anacortes you'll see these wonderful paintings of locals past and present, done by artist bill mitchell as part of the anacortes mural project.  this was the first time i'd seen these lovely ladies, and i had to take their photo.  they seem to be having a pretty good time.

it's also super hot here; well, super hot for us! too hot for making real dinner.  i grilled some eggplant slices (they turned out great, dressed with a bit of vinegar and basil leaves), and cut up a ton of veggies.  we made ad hoc salads, or just nibbled on veggies.  the pink things in the little white bowl are homegrown, fridge-pickled radishes.  we've been eating a lot of them.  we also got those gorgeous carrots and the small dish of favas in our CSA box this week.  neither disappointed!  in fact, it was a great dinner.  for such a busy weekend, it was a nice way to wind things down. 

hey, guess what?

chicken butt.

ha! does that joke every get old? in a word: no.   

tonight i made dinner, meaning i went to the store and bought what we all the call "the big sandwich."  it's a two foot sub made at fred meyer's and it is amazing.  it's so long you have to carry in your arms like a baby, and don't even think about putting it in a hand cart.  it won't fit.  it was just so beautiful out i didn't want to do anything in the kitchen but unwrap that sucker and then sit out on the deck in the last of the day's sun and enjoy a sandwich someone else made.  needless to say, it was delightful. 

i've also been thinking about the great lynda barry lately, reading her tublr, and trying to spend more time doing/making/creating.  she talks often of just coloring; just taking a regular, old fashioned coloring book, a box of crayons, and just going at it.  the way it makes you feel to just relax and zone in on the colors and shapes, to watch it come together, she says are great for you.  it's a way of taking care of your inner, creative self, like brushing your teeth.  i work with someone who colors in mandalas between calls, and she says it's really relaxing.  thinking of this, i went to michael's when i got off work and picked up some more colored pencils (crazy flourescent ones and earth toned ones) and some coloring books (i found mandalas!).  the girlchild and i sat outside, coloring after dinner; just relaxing and talking and listening to music.  it felt really good.  just to have half and hour of quiet, relaxed, happy time together.  we're all kind of making each other nuts lately, but the one thing we all like to do is make stuff.  art projects are our favorite.  so we colored and showed the boys what we were working on, ate slices of giant sandwich and remembered how it isn't all frustration and eye rolling when we hang out. 

real quick

the teen ennui in this house is thick enough to choke a fucking horse.  it's not even funny, regardless of the joke i just made.  part of it makes me angry and confrontational, and i say things like, "how can you say you don't care about anything? you really, honestly, just don't give a fuck?! how is that a thing?"  the math that goes on in an adolescent head is like the new math, it's like quantum physics, it's truly dealing with imaginary numbers.  when i try to calm down, to speak rationally, to not just ground everything that walks past me with a stink eye (you're next lulu), stop and think "you know, i might just not get it, and that might be okay," it works for like five minutes and then i'm all rant-y and rave-y and back to wringing my hands clean off.  i swing back and forth, feeling alternately annoyed and then terrified that i'll push one of them to suicide and that will really teach me a lesson, a lesson in suffering, a class i will take for the rest of my life and whose final exam i will fail every time.  shit, i bet the ennui is contagious and now i have it.  i feel overwrought and fraught and in a funk. i love these kids, i really do, and i don't love them because i'm "supposed" to: i just do it because i feel it and i have moments when i wish i didn't give a shit because that would be so much easier.  if i were their bio-mom i could use the argument that i'm the mom, so of course i love them, no questions asked; but not only am i the step, but they have a bio-mom who shoots that theory in the foot.  one of them actually said to me, "you're here because you have to be here," and i was like, "nuh, uh, no fucking way. i'm here because i chose it." i picked this.  this is the work that i want to do, even when it sucks. i signed up for this team. if you had to stick around then their mom would live in state, would do more than answer random facebook questions about them, would make them the occasional dinner or at least order out, she would give a single solitary fuck and she wouldn't have bailed because parties sounded like more fun.  she made her choice the same way i made mine, and while those choices are obviously based on different things, even when i get this worked and want to do some drinking or yell or throw my hands up in disgust, i do my best to just try to let them be the people they are.  all i can do is tell them how i feel, i can't convince them with the power of my mind. i can hope they listen to me, and trust me, and don't do anything too stupid.  i am doing the best i can, and i'm sure i can do better, so i'll try that too.

seriously, though, nihilism was invented by teenagers.  you can't convince me otherwise.    

green acres

i may have mentioned that i've started a garden this year.  we had a patch of azalea's out back, right up against the house that the boychik was kind enough to rip out for me earlier, and since then i've planted a variety of things.  here is what i've learned so far, in handy, dandy list form:

1. some of what i thought i could grow, i couldn't.  for instance, i started some tiny thai eggplants because they were so cute and i love them in curry, but they didn't do well out back.  i think i started them too early and it's not hot enough here.  also, i bought these seeds for lovely, tiny melons and those also failed.  my chinese long beans were also a bust.  i didn't spend crazy amounts of money on the seeds, though, and i learned from it, so i feel okay about my failures so far.
2. i can grow radishes.  seriously.  it's the one thing in the garden that so far i am totally kicking ass at.  these are some tiny french breakfast radishes, that i pulled up to make room for some of the bigger plants.  they are amazing.  it's a good thing i live in a house full of radish lovers, or else all these radishes would go to waste!
3. carrots need to be seeded carefully because the seeds are *tiny.* so tiny! like the size of one of the periods in this post. after i planted the first batch, my husband gave me a good tip for next time.  of course, if he had given me the tip before i messed up the first planting i think we'd have more carrots going!
4. our soil definitely needs work.  it's not awful, don't get me wrong, but it's still very loose and the best way to enrich it is by growing stuff in it, evidently.  
5. buying starts instead of seeds isn't such a bad thing.  yes, i felt all hippie mama and earth-goddessy buying seeds and starting them indoors but it made D nuts to have plants and potting soil all over the kitchen, and i don't yet have a good idea about when things can handle being planted outside.  a start is already a sturdy little plant-to-be, and i can pretty much guarantee that whoever grew it knows more about plants than i do.  why not spend a bit more for that kind of knowledge?  
6. the only way to learn how to be better gardener is to just do it.  just go ahead and give it a try, fail at stuff, and be excited when the peas pop up out of the ground like reverse hand grenades.  also, investing in a CSA for the summer is also a good idea. helping out an organic community garden while growing your own is like investing in a back-up plan. a delicious, delicious back-up plan.

i really liked this post thea did the other day, talking about her garden and what she has going on.  i agree that gardening (like knitting and yoga) is totally having a renaissance among 30-somethings, but i think for good reason.  most of us are trying to eat a bit healthier, now that we realize that cholesterol isn't just something our parents worried about, and gardening is good for your boday, as well as your wallet.  i think a lot of people my age are also avid DIY-ers, and growing your own food is about as do-it-yourself as you can get.  it's also just nice to be outside, tending to pretty green things that will end up being part of dinner. 

radio, radio

i grew up with the radio always on.  my parents loved public radio, and i literally don't think anything in the whole wide world has made my mother prouder than one of my stories (read by me) being on a npr show.  it was the first thing i heard in the morning, a murmur under my parents having coffee at the kitchen table and my mother blow drying her hair out there.  it was on when i got home, having been left to play for our dog to keep her company.  it was the soundtrack to every sunday i can recall.

i love that i married a man who loves public radio, who listens to it daily, who thinks sending money to them is important.  it also cracks me up how he talks back to the radio, sometimes yelling at it, like my pop used to do.  we all have those moments when we realize we married one of our parents, and that's one of mine.

we also cleaned our living room today, which we don't do often enough.  man, when it is tidy, it is amazing in here!  there's so much room for activities.  

hippie mama badge

for some reason, this easter my mom and D's parents both thought we had plans elsewhere, meaning we had plans nowhere.  this wasn't terrible; i saw my mom the day before easter along with my aunt and some friends for a pampered chef party i hosted, we ate easter candy and tiny quiches and got to hang out, which was awesome.  D's folks are doing their easter dinner the weekend after this, so his brother and sister can attend, as on the actual day they do churchy stuff, and none of us do.  so we had the day to ourselves, and it was such a freaking beautiful day! seriously.  spring in the pacific northwest has been holding out on us, and on easter sunday it wasn't just warm, it was balmy.  the air smelled fresh and green, there was a warm breeze, every birdie was out singing, the whole she-bang.  it was like waking up in a disney film.  D made a nice big breakfast, and we spent the day lounging and enjoying the weather.

one of the very cool things we did was use this real indigo tie dye kit i'd ordered from amazon.  a few years ago we stopped using paper napkins and paper towels (although to be honest, we do buy paper towels for camping and for the kid's bathroom, so there's no good excuse for them not to clean it up!).  i have a lot of store bought cloth napkins, some home-made ones, and a bunch of really lovely ones i received as wedding presents.  what makes me crazy about my people is that when they open the linen drawer, they are just as likely to use napkins in place of towels for cleaning stuff up, thereby staining them and making the napkins grody.  if you want your visitors to be okay with cloth napkins, it's best that they don't look like you cleaned up mud with them, right?  while reading a martha magazine, there was a little aside about using real indigo dye, and it stuck with me because indigo is DARK, and dark napkins and towels probably get stained less than light ones.  i picked up a 12 pack of 100% cotton napkins in white, which were a deal at $10, and pulled out some flour sack style dish towels i had lying around and we got to work!

we used basic tie dye techniques, and the results were amazing.  using the real indigo is also a process; the dye itself is this bright lemon-green, and after you submerge your piece and get it saturated with the dye, you have to let it oxidize for at least 20 minutes to see how dark the blue will be.  you pull out a lime colored piece of cloth, and watch it get darker and bluer by the moment.  all four of us worked outside, getting some sun, experimenting with patterns and techniques, and generally goofing off.  not only are the napkins and dish towels very pretty and unique, and not only did i totally earn my hippie mama merit badge, but we had the best time hanging out and doing something together.  whenever i look at those napkins and towels, i'll think of that beautiful sunday afternoon, the first day it really felt spring, and having a great time with my little family.   it sounds so hokey to say, but i hope the kids looks back on afternoons like that and think to themselves, "yeah, i had a pretty okay childhood."

*also! i discovered that my husband really is a hippie: he is very good at tie dye.  he did all sorts of cool things that made my circles look like amateur hour! hee hee...