nope. no. nuh-uh. no way.

does anyone else out there feel an intense feeling of shame when people mention an ex? i dated a guy for a while, not very seriously, and long enough ago that it really shouldn't bother me that he exists*, but whenever anyone mentions him i'm all "NO, i don't remember that." fingers-in-ears, "la la la laaa..." or else i cringe and turn bright red and think "really?! i thought he was a good idea?" i can even be all myself, get an email from a friend mentioning said unmentionable, and suddenly i'm blushing and my stomach is churning and i'm just so ridiculously embarrassed. which i guess is just proof that some people look better with a thin film of love/lust/beer smeared across my glasses. i can't figure out now what i saw in them then, but give me a six pack and a sappy movie and maybe i can recreate the emotion or reasoning. (or lack thereof.)

you would think that at 32, that sort of shit would just roll off me like water off a duck's back.* then i remember that at heart, i'm still way more 15 than i care to admit. dammit.

*i know you've got an ex that infuriates you with their continued existence. i can't be the only one thinking "how dare you?!"

**actual quote taken from an actual boy i used to make-out with in college. he ended up being slightly crazy and alcoholic and was an early entry on my list of "oh my god what was i thinking?"

dinner last night was a success! cooking for a real cook can be nerve-wracking, but everyone enjoyed the quiche (it ended up being a simple zucchini, mushroom and swiss one) as well as the ice cream cone cupcakes. it was a fun night, and even though this morning i was a nervous wreck about my first day, i was glad to spend the morning with my favorite trio. i even saw them tonight; we celebrated all of us having a good day by going out for pizza. i had to go home, though, because my whites needed some serious bleaching and i need to get a few more outfits ready for this new gig.

the new job is pretty fucking awesome. for a few reasons, one of which being that today my boss told me there was downtime and i was free to bring a book or hobby with me for those time. i asked, "can i knit?" and he said "sure." i'm going to get paid for knitting. that's right! whoo! the other parts of my job are pretty enjoyable; mainly i help make sure patients are at ease, get them situated on the MRI table, and help clean up and stock stuff. i also do a bit of data entry, running of errands, and today i read a big chunk of anansi boys. after the initial shock wore off, to be honest, there were boring stretches. tomorrow i don't have to get up as early, and know what to expect, so i assume it will go even better. i bought myself a new shirt at the evil empire tonight; so ugly it goes back to being cute, so that i would have something fun to wear tomorrow. plus, i promised my man that he would get to see it. i spent the afternoon describing it in its awful glory (it's like little house on the praire met a lumberjack and they had a weird, frilly plaid baby), and now he's curious. yet another thing i like about him!

so far, this year is going well. better than last year, and the year before that. i'm not so superstitious about the new year, being that it's such an arbitrary system (any day can be the start of a new year!) but i like how it's all lining up together in an orderly fashion. it pleases me tremendously. i have a man i adore, a job that looks promising, and a truly hideous shirt to wear tomorrow. a girl can't ask for much more.

want to see something funny?

i wrote a blog post a while ago, but never posted it because i got distracted. i was going through things here, cleaning stuff up, deleting drafts, when i stopped and read this one. it was titled "i think i wanna be a step-milf."

i had a very interesting talk with a friend today, where i disclosed that i would, indeed, be quite pleased to be a step-mother. or probably the live-in girlfriend of the dad, because i'm not always too sure i want to get married. to me, that's pretty close to being a step-mom, and that is appealing. i do honestly enjoy children. the kids i know are all impossibly smart and sweet and good-looking (except for the one who steals my shit! she's not on the top of my list!) and i enjoy 99% of every minute i'm with them. at the same time, when i think about having kids of my own i'm conflicted. why try to compete with the kids i already know? what if i don't do nearly as good a job as my friends and family? i'm not always sure i have the patience for parenting. i also feel like i should have done it sooner: i've given myself entirely too much time to think about all the things that could go wrong, and have freaked myself out.

the boy before last had a kid (still does!) and i liked that. watching him interact with his child was awesome. for the first time i dated someone who enjoyed being a parent, and put their kid first. it was strangely hot, and such a nice change of pace. the only other men i've dated with kids were maybe not the best dads, and that was always such a turn-off. although, to be fair, i have not dated very many men with children. at my age, though, it's getting more and more common.

which leads me to my next thought; i have this incredibly cute customer at work who's been coming in for years, and he has very sweet kids. a boy and a girl, and i just realized in all the time he's been shopping at my store i've never seen him without his kids, or with a woman. for that matter, i can't recall ever seeing the kids with their mom, which makes me wonder if he isn't divorced. he's got nice crinkly blue eyes, good hair, and a great smile. i pointed him out to a co-worker the other day, and she agreed that he is indeed handsome. for the first time i thought, "hey wait! he might be date-able!"

hee hee hee... oh boy. if only i'd known. daydreaming about my boyfriend was fun before i knew him, but to be perfectly honest, he's a lot more fun now that i've had him in real life. i took my friends out to see him last night and even my sister came out to meet him! everyone agrees that he is just as handsome as i said he was, and we all had a very good time. it's funny how things worked out, funny and delightful and surprising.

happy happy, joy joy

a rare night at home! well, it's been rare lately. i needed to spend some time with lulu, who showed her disapproval at my spending time at another house with another cat (puddin) by scratching me and trying to claw the couch, but once she saw i was home for the night she settled right into my lap on the couch for a quick nap. oh boy, it was a good nap. i also need to do stuff like paint my toes, work on my eyebrows, do some laundry, and a million other things i can't do at his house. you know, like daydream about him and draw stupid comics.

this morning my man made me breakfast, which included biscuits and gravy with home-made biscuits. it wasn't even bisquick! that he's such a good cook totally makes me hot. it's also fun to sit and talk about weird food things with him, look through issues of cook's illustrated, and have him show me how to do kitchen stuff. he walks through the kitchen with a towel thrown over one shoulder, flipping stuff in pans one-handed, and it makes me swoon a little. you should see him in his chef's pants, too. good stuff.

this is my last week full-time at the grocery store. moving out of cheese will be a little sad for me, i'll admit. i love my co-workers (most of them, except for the brood of angry old deli harridans who love to talk shit!) and will be sad to not be able to show people the difference between cilantro and parsley. i get to interact with a lot of different people and a lot of different ingredients, and that's been fun. my boss seems genuinely sad to see me go; she even got a bit teary eyed yesterday, which makes me sad. it's been a good time, and i would have never met so many of my friends (or my new guy) without this job, so i'll always be thankful for that. i saw my customer that got me my new job tonight too, and that was awesome. he got the biggest hug i could give, and promises for cocktails. i can't wait to get started, the job sounds fun and interesting and i know it sounds shallow, but my god! the money! sure, most of it will go right out to bills, but i'd rather that than being the deadbeat i am now.

that's all that's going on! when i finish a comic, i'll show you.

i have to make his quick

because i'm supposed to be packing up and driving to my folk's house, right this second!

the date, it was awesome. it was better than awesome. it was pretty fantastic. in real life, outside of my store, he is just as cute and funny and smart as i thought he would be. he's a great cook, he's easy to be around, and while my stomach jumps up to my throat every time i see him, he's comfortable. my chin is rubbed all raw and pink from the making out*, but i'm sure when my new chin grows in it will be lovely. he's pretty much the best kisser ever. for me this is a HUGE deal. kissing is a deal maker or breaker for me. bad kissing is something i can't remedy because i have zero patience, and it's something i cannot live with. the fact that i can spend hours sucking face or talking to this guy bodes well, as far as i'm concerned.

we had a chaperoned date last night, where i came over and we hung out with the kids. he told me today that they both seemed to really like me, and that right now i'm the "belle of the ball" at the house. that totally made me laugh and blush. i've never dated a guy with kids this old (14 and 10) and i wasn't sure how it would go. i just decided to pretend it wasn't nerve-wracking and we ended up having a really good time. like their dad, they're easy going and smart, and we talked all night about arrested development, stupid movies and fun board games. they played their nintendo DS's, we talked on the couch and they quietly eavesdropped at time. they get along well, and it was funny to look over and see them like two peas in a pod, watching us and making up their minds about me. i'm glad they like me so far, i can't imagine how difficult it would be to keep seeing this guy if they didn't!

it feels really good. who knows where it will all end up, and i suppose i might regret telling you how dreamy he is and how awesome his kids are and how he drinks wine out of jelly jars just like me and how i'm sure that's a sign, and that he built his own amazing loft bed called "the fort" and how when i leave his house he stands outside in the cold waiting to wave me goodbye and make sure i make it out. it's early, and early should feel good, but this feels criminal.

he's like the best christmas present i didn't ask for.

i hope you all have a merry holiday, and eat way to much and have people you love nearby to kiss and hug and shower with affection! i'm going to go enjoy my family and send surreptitious text messages to my new man, and think about kissing some more and open some presents. hooray!

*i have a chin that doesn't looks as pointy as it is, and somehow it always gets crazy chapped the first time i make out with a guy who doesn't have baby smooth skin. it revolts when it gets near whiskers for the first time in a while, and i just know my mom's going to make "rudolph the red chinned reindeer" jokes all day christmas. shit, i'll probably start making them myself.

a date!

i haz it!

i admit, i did a bit of stalking this afternoon after finishing up my christmas shopping. i talked my roommate into going by a certain big chain restaurant when i knew grocery-boy was working. i was a nervous wreck on our way there, because i wasn't sure if he would be pleased to see me or annoyed. i mean, work isn't always the funnest place, and having people drop by unannounced can be fun or it can be irritating. you have a 50/50 chance, and i didn't want it to freak him out or upset his day.

long story short, when i finally got his attention with a "psst!" and a wink*, he seemed happy to see me. he asked what i was doing, and i said, "um, i told you i was going to stalk you." he laughed and said, "finally!" then he laughed and said it again and then i really wanted to kiss him right then and there.

the party for tomorrow night has been postponed due to inclement weather. i asked him if he'd still like to do something this week and he said he would love to. we both work quite a bit up until christmas, and after going through our schedules we realized that tomorrow is still the best night to hang out. the good news is that a) i still get to see him and b) i don't have to drag my sister to a party where she doesn't know anyone. bonus round: c) i get a little more one-on-one time with him, instead of having to deal with the anxiety of getting to know him as well as all his friends. we all know i'm a nervous nelly; the less nerves for me the better.

this might all crash and burn, and it might do so in a spectacular way. i won't lie and say i feel nonchalant about this date: i'm pretty fucking stoked. he seems super nice, very easy to talk to and get along with, and he has the kind of dimples you can drive a car into. i want to bite him. i want to pin him down and see if he tastes as good as he looks. i want to know more about him, and i want to know it now. even if it's all for naught, this feeling of excitement, of the unknown, of sparkling anticipation is worth it. this is the feeling that we all try to bottle and save for later. this is the rush we chase and why we keep going out with people even if 99% of the time we're left in a situation that either hurts us or is completely unimpressive or uninspiring. this feels good. not as good as it's going to feel when i get my hands on him, though, i hope.

*i didn't realize i winked. i never do it intentionally, because when i try, it looks retarded. however, i tend to do it when i'm not thinking about it consciously, and my roommate totally caught it. i wasn't trying to be sassy! i swear!

p.s. i looked all over the internets for the j. mascis version of this song, which is the one i prefer. if you want to hear that, go check out martin + me. thanks!

everyone weigh in on this one!

ahem. dating is complicated business, and since i've lifted my "don't ask, don't tell" policy, i find i really enjoy talking about it with you. even if my dates are failures, i kind of like documenting it here. that could be slight masochism on my part, but i like to think it's because that's just how close we are, and how i do enjoy hearing how my experiences aren't as unusual as i might think. in any case, take a look over some of these facts and then fill me in on what you think it all means.

1. i've been flirty with a customer on and off over the past year, but the past few weeks i really turned it up. what changed? i saw him without his hat, and realized that he has a gorgeous head of hair underneath. shallow? sure. it's not as though he would be un-handsome without hair, but i had to be sure if he was bald that he was good bald.* since he's not bald at all, it's not an issue.
2. we finally established a first-name rapport. talked more about his work, mine, and other stuff.
3. this monday he came in while i working and went out of his way to get a coworker of mine to fetch me from dishes.
   
4. he asked me to a party, being held this next monday.
   
5. i gave him my number and we flirted a bit more.
   
6. i didn't hear from him until today, but he was extremely apologetic at the very first, and let me know that he'd misplaced my card. he even let it drop that his kids gave him a hard time about losing it. then he admitted he came by work looking for me to get it again, but i wasn't there and he didn't want me to think he was "stalking" me.
   
7. we had a nice chat and i realized that this party he asked me to is a party he's throwing; for himself and his roommate's birthdays and the solstice.
8. we established that he is a bit older than i am (he'll be 38 this week) but that he isn't nearly as much older than me as he thought. he told me he thought i was 23 or 24, which i totally don't believe. 26 at the youngest!
   
9. he told me he was looking forward to seeing me, and having some actual time to talk.
10. then he called back and told me i was free to bring a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc.
11. this made me furrow my brow a bit.
12. i told him exactly this; "i won't be bringing a boyfriend, i can tell you that."
    

i'm fairly sure he was testing the waters, to see if i am indeed single, but really, why would i accept a party invitation from a man i don't know that well if i weren't interested in him? and would a man with a girlfriend ask another girl to his birthday party? i mean, it's conceviable. was i too forward? am i over thinking all of this? (of course i am, don't answer that!) he's just, really, seriously cute. with bright blue eyes that crinkle at the edges, and dark dark hair, and a lovely smile. he's unfailingly polite and nice when he's at work, and he has two really gorgeous kids that he seems super close to. i like him. i feel butterflies when i see him, and when he came in the other night to ask me out, i blushed bright red. i think he wants to make-out with me, but i don't want to show up to his party to find that he's got a girl already. at the same time, bringing a friend to his party would be advantageous to me, because then i have someone else to suss him out with. plus, i'll need someone to snark with. i'm trying to rope my sister into coming with me, with promises that i'll buy the liquor.

being nervous like this, waiting for the call, not knowing; it's all excruciating and wonderful. the imaginary part of wondering what he's like, daydreaming about what i think might be in store, is fun. how can something so awful and uncertain be so delicious? there's always a better chance of being disappointed than being thrilled, but you never know unless you try. i hate myself when things don't work, i feel foolish and silly, but after a while i realize that's jut how this particular game is played, and ultimately i'm proud of myself for not giving up. spinsterhood would be easy, getting back on the horse is hard.

so what do you think? this is perfectly normal, yes? the worry, the butterflies, the uncertainty. do you think he likes me? don't make me come over there and pull off your petals. i'll do it!



*bad bald= men who don't get that they are balding and hold on too tightly to the hair on the back of their head. longish hair in back, bald on top, not cool.

**also, i wrote this under the influence of real, honest to goodness sudafed. which makes me slightly retarded. i'm going to go paint magic mushrooms now!

feeling very, very good

watching obama's speech last night gave me chills. seeing his lovely family, seeing the mix of people in the crowd, seeing how happy everyone looked was so refreshing. for the first time in a while i felt like hope wasn't such a bad thing, that maybe that's exactly what we need right now.

i don't think it's all going to be puppies and rainbows and sunshine from here on out, but i do believe things are going to get better.

my date last night came down with a cold, which i knew about before i went over there. i told him it would be okay to reschedule; that if he was feeling lousy we could hang out some other time. he made a nice dinner, i brought over some movies, we played with the kittens, then he took some theraflu and passed the fuck out. eh. part of me feels bad for the poor guy, since i'm pretty sure getting sick wasn't high on his list of things to do yesterday, but part of me is annoyed that he had me over to start with.

plus, he's not very tall and i keep swearing up and down my next boyfriend is going to be TALL. maybe this is a sign. who knows.

i'm going home today to see my family, which i haven't done in weeks and weeks, making me a shitty daughter/sister/aunt, but today i'm totally going to try to redeem myself.

we're talking about it, dammit

the election! today at work a girl wanted to talk to me about how disappointed she was to see i had an obama sticker on my cheese binder. i shrugged and told her i was sorry, but he's the man for me. she got all flustered and told me that she could never, ever vote for obama because she truly believes he's the anti-christ. she got another shrug from me and i told her that was okay, because i don't believe in god. she gave me that look and said, "i'm sorry to hear that, because he believes in you."

ah, nothing like mixing both politics and religion in one small, condescending, annoying conversation. truth be told, i kind of feel like ratting her out to the union for bringing it up.

i woke up this morning totally thrilled with myself for not having a panic attack yesterday but already feeling anxious because i realized it's the day before the election. all month i've been busy with other shit, but then i realized "oh my god! this is it!" i've spent all day wondering what tomorrow will be like. i want to rush home from work and turn on the radio and stay glued to my computer to watch the results trickle in. i want to buy a six pack of beer and some cheese and crackers and pace around the house calling my pop every five minutes to confer with him. however, i am going on a date so i won't. or maybe i'll con him into turning on his fancy cable tv and letting me watch voraciously.

yeah, that's right. a date. i'm going to bring it up now because i can. because maybe this time i'll do everything the opposite of what i normally do and see how that goes. it's a guy i met on halloween. he's nice and smart and rescued two kittens kicked out of their litter and truth be told, i like that he's a cat guy. even if it was reluctant at first, because i saw him with his four week old kittens and DAMN. little kittens are very cute. he's got a nice big couch, and seemingly few issues. it's going to be a casual date, and while i won't kiss and tell, i promise to give you enough details to keep you interested.

no matter who you want to win, i hope you vote. sure, i'm rooting for my guy, but no matter what i'll be damn glad to see less of george w. on my tv.

true story

maybe it's because i'm sick (some stomach bug side-swiped me, making me barfy for longer than was comfortable!) or maybe it's because i have pms, or maybe it's because all i want to do is cry today, but i'm going to tell you the real reason i've been so moody and shitty and down-on-myself. it's not a pretty story, though, and i'm afraid it makes me looks shallow and petty and way too invested in what boys think of me.

okay, and here is the thing i wanted to tell you but didn't, the thing that's got me down like nothing else. remember mr. guy i work with that i have a huge crush on? yeah, well we finally made our move. by "we" i mean i started it but he totally took the ball and ran with it. it was fun. it was more than fun. then he started getting all weird and not returning my phone calls and meanwhile i'm busy telling no one anything because we work together and i figure no one needs to know, and he agrees. then, about a week after our little rendezvous i find out he's been out all week with another girl we work with. a girl who he always made fun of me for hanging out with, a girl he never did anything but shit-talk, a girl who frankly looks like miss piggy with a bong. she's the girl with the giant mouth who found the fisherman's personal ad on yahoo and told the whole store! basically, i'm honest with him about having a big old crush, he takes advantage of that, then moves on to a muppet. a skanky muppet with a drinking problem. i feel like shit. i'm hurt, humiliated, and sad. he picked her over me, and i can't help but thinking i totally should have known better. i should have seen this coming! i knew he was cowardly, i just didn't realize the extent of it. they're still hanging out, almost two weeks later. everyone at work knows about them, no one knows about he and i (except for two or three folks, who are very good at keeping pie holes shut), and every time i see him i just want to crawl into a big hole and die. or set him on fire. i vacillate between anger and hurt, with part of me thinking "well at least i'm not a fucking coward" and part of me shrinking away like "oh my god, he really likes her more than me." he picked her over me! or maybe he didn't. i don't know. he won't talk to me, and that's probably for the best. i have to tell you, that one time we hung out he was impossibly sweet and adorable and wonderful, telling me how long he'd waited for this moment, blah blah blah. i played right into it. now i feel...horrible. i feel like a loser. i can't believe i wasted a year crushing on this guy! oh my god, i am so retarded.

i understand that being hurt is a reasonable response to this situation. i realize that it will pass, and that finding out now what kind of man he truly is is for the best. i know that i didn't do anything wrong, and that more than anything i should be angry at him for lying to me and being deceitful. it just hurts. i'm not the sort of girl who mopes about boys normally; i might feel awful but it tends to be short-lived, and i can shrug off boys who don't dig me. i've never been the pretty girl, i've always been sort of challenging to date, and i'm not everyone's cup of tea. i'm almost 31 years old, i know my own limitations and have worked with them for years now. something about this boy, though, this particular situation, has me feeling rotten. i really liked him. we had this fun, flirty relationship. he was a very, very good kisser. now he's dating the loudmouth stoner chick with crazy clown eye makeup. what can i do? nothing. just wait for it to stop hurting.

i'm already jinxed

i may as well blog about dating, especially since lately all i do is work and see The Boy. he needs a clever name, no? you can think of one for him and leave me a comment if you are so inclined! :-) i'm always thinking that blogging about boys jinxes the relationship, but i'm pretty sure it's other stuff that ruins it. honestly, even if things with The Boy do not work out (and there's always that chance!) there are enough interesting and fun things about him to make him worthwhile blog-fodder.

let's see, here are a few things about him, in no particular order; he's got a tween daughter, has never been married, makes fucking amazing salsa, wears a sweater vest under his shirt at all times*, reads a lot, plays the drums, likes to ride his bike, drinks his bourbon straight but with one tiny ice cube, has sort of a stoner laugh, makes me coffee in the morning even though he's not a big coffee drinker, works in a restaurant, goes to college for business stuff, loves football and heavy metal music. i like spending time with him. i feel both comfortable and totally nervous around him, and his roommate is a nice guy who made us both breakfast this morning. he says he likes my hair and my dark eyes, i tell him i like the dimple on his left cheek. he'll sleep on either side, or either end, of the bed. he's very laid back, and knows a ridiculous amount of interesting people.

i am probably spending too much time with him, lately, but i don't feel like i've overdosed on him yet. dating is nice. it's actually sort of fun. i was freaked out by his long-term relationship prior to me, but lately, not so much. i mean, what's going to happen will happen. the important thing now is to have a little fun, enjoy his good cooking and going out, and just see what happens.

*ooh! he's crazy hairy. i mean, it really looks like there's a sweater vest under his wifebeater. he's cute fuzzy, though, kind of like a blue heeler.

yeah, i might have over-reacted

however, four years seems like an awful long time to me. thinking about it makes me tense, talking about it even more so. at the same time, he is a grown-up and grown-ups sometimes have long-term relationships (or so i've been told). while i was all "why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?" at first, now i kind of realize that telling someone that you just got out of a big old long relationship maybe isn't the easiest thing to do. in short, i am cutting the boy some slack and working on not being freaked out. we spent some time together last night and it was fun, and it's nice to know he took my outburst with aplomb.

i also dyed my hair. but only on one side! and in stripes. it's very 1995 and i'm loving it.

see?

i should always, always, always keep my piehole shut. i should know that by now!

last night, the new guy and i were out and having a grand time, when i find out that the last girlfriend he had he was with for four years.

four years. is. a. long. time.

the other night he tried to tell me that they'd been broken up for "a while" but i called him out on that, because he's still got photos of her on his fridge, and he 'fessed up to them being officially over for about a month and a half. kids, we all know that i am not a newbie and am prone to saying exactly what i think. i woke him up early this morning, rolled him over and said "i refuse to be your rebound. i'm not saying we have to be all serious and shit, but i am no one's fling." later i explained that i have a good time when i'm with him, i like spending time with him, but the moment i feel like he's using me to get over something (someone) or treating me like a process and not a person, then i'm out.

it might seem like i got all crazy on him, and perhaps i did a bit, but omitting that you were in a serious relationship with a woman for over four years and you have, in fact, recently broken up seems fishy to me. like i told him, i am not in the mood to be anyone's relationship palate cleanser. i don't want to be his housewife or baby-maker either, so we're going to have to work out some middle ground. personally, i'd like to take a small break from seeing him for a few days, but i already invited him out tonight and can't seem to shake him. what i'm going to do is relax, enjoy the time i get to spend with him, enjoy his friends and their crazy art projects, and keep my eyes open. the end.

hi, my name is amanda and my middle name is "neurotic."

oh-em-gee

dude, i totally went to a casino tonight. a casino where i had beers, watched a totally fun and awesome 80's cover band, and made out with a 21 year old. he was a sweet puppy, but really, really wanted to come home with me. while his kissing skills were admirable, the thought of having to wake up early to take him home wasn't appealing so i left him there. i will admit, however, that making out at random in a dark, smoky corner while a band of dorks plays bon jovi song is infinitely delightful. as shallow as it might sound, that little bit of kissing made me feel prettier than i have in months. it was a good night.

alright!

i need you to remind me that flirting with a married man is not okay. a huge chunk of me knows this to be the case, but is weak enough to be flattered when he starts and unable to stop the proverbial ball from rolling. i need you to remind me that while i might not be beating the men off with a stick right now, i'm also not so down-trodden that i need to make a stop at adultery town. he's not available, and if he thinks he is, he's more of a loser than i realized. i will NOT hang out with him outside of work. i WILL start taking my lunches at weirdo times. i'll go out to a bar and meet a nice boy to make-out with and cleanse my palette of all this. i'm embarrassed how much of my attention has been absorbed by this torrid little story. gah. i feel like a girl who just got hit on for the first time and is weak enough to believe the hype. ridiculous!

in the meantime, did you know topo chico is pretty much the greatest mixer with bourbon? how did this escape my attention all these years? dear joolie and eric, thanks for introducing me to topo chico. you get a gold star!

how is it saturday already?

i swear the week just started! i actually did some moving/unpacking stuff today. if i have to move out of this place any time soon i am going to be seriously pissed. and i'm going to ask for help, so beware.

a friend at work hooked me up with a dresser she was getting rid of. it's retarded looking (someone painted it hot pink and black, and they did so poorly), but it's big and fits in the closet so you can't see it. i also bought some curtains and a rod today, and a computer desk and chair. i spent a LOT of money, but it was well worth it. i think. i need to balance my checkbook and make sure i can actually keep it all, i might need to take some of the extraneous stuff back. like the candles i bought, and the votive holders. there's $10 right there!

work is both strange and good right now. i got a raise! finally. i'm serious, i've been promised this raise for months and months now, and was getting ready to quit. i was actually going to wait until i went on vacation, then do it when i got back. so that's the good news. the strange is the wine guy, of course. the rumors about us are running rampant and virulent, and i can't do much but laugh them off, really. to protest too much just makes me look guilty, and no matter what i say people are going to believe what they want. plus, he's taken to not wearing his wedding ring. what the fuck? i recall him distinctly wearing it when we met, that's how i knew he was married, but because he doesn't wear it no one else knows it. i have to tell on average three people a day that he's married and i'm not a whore, and yes we have lunch together sometimes. jeez. i think that's allowable, and to be honest, i don't want to give that up. selfish, yes, but i don't know a lot of people who share the same interests as me, and i think as long as i never make-out with him, i should be able to have lunch with him. for all i know, all those things he said could just be perfectly innocent. he hasn't made an actual move toward my boobs, so i think i'm safe.

speaking of boobs! i saw a co-worker today and she was in her regular clothes, and looking super foxy. i said, "hey M! you look super cute! man, you have great boobs." i mean, she does. (insert sexual harassment suit here!) she said "thanks, i should, i paid a lot for them." d'oh! i didn't believe her, not because i think buying boobs is inherently awful or shallow or anything, but just because i've known her for a long time now and had no idea. plus, they look amazing. really. i would have never in a million years thought they were anything but perfectly natural. she's got a great doctor. it had to be the funniest conversation i've ever had with her, though, and while i was surprised to hear her news, i was kind of stoked she likes me enough to tell me. (and you know what, if you are wearing a cute shirt and your girls look good, i will tell you too. i can't help it. some shirts just make them look awesome and i'm all about giving a girl props for it!)

rascal

at work today i served a corndog to a particularly handsome young man. he was a touch flirty, i was a touch flirty, and when he said, "have a good weekend" i replied with something similar. he turned and my friend tara started giggling and i said "what?" she said, "that face! if you could see yourself!" i realized then that i was probably leering a little when he left. you know, checking out his ass a bit, looking for any hidden bald spots, but nothing too creepy or obvious. when i realized what i was doing i blushed, blushed like a nice girl who just heard someone say "butt." we were both laughing at this point, and i said, "you know, it's just like realizing you were really thirsty." he was cute, and i suddenly needed a glass of water.

i haven't felt this boy-crazy since fifteen. i can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

beer!

note to self: the wine guy at work might be super cute, totally knowledgeable about wine (but in love with beer, and it shows), and treat you to his room of mark-downs before they hit the store, but he is dangerous. he will send you home with delicious beers and ales that are high in alcohol content, smooth to the palate, and not very expensive. he will stand there being all cute and funny and charming, but he will be married. he will offer you bottles of his homebrew, and then tell you about his adorable daughter. in short, he will be frustrating and wonderful, and you'll be at home getting tipsy on his beer thinking "are there more boys like him out there?" and "what the hell? how do find one?"

tonight's beer is Konings Hoeven Quadrupel; a trappist ale made in the netherlands. it's pretty much the only trappist ale not made in belgium. it's dark and silky, with notes of caramel and cherry fruit, a slight sweetness at the end. it's a full, round taste. most beers with a ten percent alcohol rating will taste like 10% booze, but this one is impossibly drinkable. more about it here, and here.

my short-lived colorado love life

i've always maintained a certain sense of privacy about my love life, or lack thereof, on my blog. it's true i like to point out how long it's been since i've been on a date and things like that, but details about specific boys i date are totally off-limits. i was in the shower this morning and thinking about that and wondering why i'm always so tight-lipped about that sort of thing, and the first thing that pops to mind is that talking or writing about something tends to jinx it. we all know how superstitious i am, and when good things are happening i try not to say anything lest it go sour. at the same time, this thing with this particular boy is jinxed right now anyhow, what with my impending move and all, so why not give you some details? besides, i'm kind of dying to talk about it. not literally, of course, but it's something i've been thinking about a lot and what the hell. it's not like i'm going to name him or anything, he doesn't know my blog exists, and this will give you the extremely rare glimpse into the part of my brain that deals with dating/boys/sex and love. (jeez, that was a long explanation. still reading?)

i met him five days ago. friends of the roommates had actually tried to set us up a few months ago, but the night we went out he was busy doing something else. these friends of friends are lovely people, and i thought it was sweet that they'd only met me once but liked me enough to want to set me up with their friend, but didn't think any more about it. last friday i got home in time to go out to dinner with my roommates, and on our way into town we called their friends and told them they should meet us. they brought tom* along.

we'd had a few drinks before meeting up with everyone for dinner, and at first i didn't pay much mind to him because they'd brought out the baby and i wanted to chew on her little cheeks and hold her tiny hands. he was cute, sure, but i wasn't looking, you know? i was wearing an old sweatshirt and my work pants still, i was moving in less than two weeks and didn't feel the need to impress him. dinner went on and on, we had all the courses and some more drinks and everyone very slyly sat us next to each other and one thing led to another and we were talking and talking and then kind of holding hands under the table and i can't even remember when it started. i think i was making a point and pushing on his knee and his hand just found mine and there it was. the friends with the baby had to take her home, and the rest of us continued going out. we went to this adorable pub named after my nephew (where my roommate and i conspired to steal a pint glass because it had his name on it. it's the perfect gift for a five month old, don't you think?), we went to this crazy karaoke/martini bar run by an old cowboy where i sang some bon jovi, we snuck kisses in when we thought no one was looking. i'd almost forgotten how fun it is to not be a third wheel.

i honestly just thought we'd make out and never see each other again. starting something so doomed seemed (seems) insane. i did stay the night at his house (i don't have a lot of time to play coy, and still don't), though, and the next morning instead of the awkward, "that was fun! see ya later!" he made breakfast, i called in sick to work, and we spent the rest of the day hanging out, napping on the couch and watching movies. he drove me home and made a date for the next day. since then, i've been trying to see as much of him as possible. i can't speak for him, but i get the same feeling from him.

even though i'm leaving soon, i feel like right now i just want to pack as much time with tom in as possible. i should be packing and labeling boxes, seeing the doctor one last time to use my insurance up, forwarding my mail, doing a million other things, but instead i like to make lists in my head of the things i like about him. i carry the phone with me from room to room in case he calls or sends me a text message, whereas before i ignored it and mildly resented it for reminding me of work. i worry if it's been a while between calls, and then feel stupidly elated when the phone rings and it's him on the caller id. of course, i don't call him because i am neurotic about the phone and don't call anyone, but i especially can't call him because everything i say is so impossibly stupid. there are gaps the conversation where you can only hear the hum of the phone, and the more i struggle for something witty or smart to say the longer the pauses last. i like to think of myself as independent and with enough self esteem not to worry too much about what other people think, but when he tells me i'm pretty i feel like i won some prize. the only people who've told me i'm cute in the past year have been people related to me, and hearing it come out of his face made me think, "really? you think so?" i like the way he holds my hand and opens up doors for me, i like stretching out in bed and pushing my foot up against his before falling back asleep, i like the spray of freckles he has on his collarbone and i even like his dog. he has dimples you could drive a truck into and for some reason i never realized how much i fucking love dimples, and his smile is wide and clear and he's not stingy with it. we talk about old horror movies and rob zombie, he tells me stories about the kids he works with (he's an elementary school teacher), and we talk about our families. we joke about our horrible timing, but not about the move itself. i can't say anything about it to him, it feels mean to me. i feel guilty about missing my people and home, and i don't want to know how he feels about it. either he's okay with it or he would rather i stay, and in both cases i'd end up feeling shitty. i want him to like me enough to want me to stay, but i can't expect it and shouldn't want it. it's a selfish thing, and let's assume he does want me to stay, what would i do about that? i can't even think about it, much less talk about it. ignoring it probably isn't the greatest strategy i've come up with, but it's the only one i have now.

this was the longest post ever. i hope it wasn't terribly boring for you. i promise the next time i talk about tom, i'll get to the point and won't spend so much time explaining every little detail. maybe. i'll try, anyhow.

*obviously, not his real name. oddly enough, i've never actually dated a tom, but my sister did in high school and i loved that boy.

axe confession

i love the scent of axe. this photo sums up my love perfectly (and makes me wonder the same thing; who sold us out?). i love the scent of most boy things; old spice, cool water, mint chew, anything heady and spicy. my favorite thing to do is find a good looking boy who smells delicious and follow him around. my first serious boyfriend wore aspen, and way too much of it. i was putty in his hands and doomed from that moment forward.

however, sometimes i do not have a handsome man that smell good nearby. i know, total shock, right? when that happens, i buy a small bottle of axe shower gel, or suave shampoo for men, or men's shave gel. is it weird for a girl to smell like a boy? the way i see it, if men like the scent enough to wear it themselves, i should be okay occasionally donning it as well. plus, everytime i walk into my bathroom it smells just like cute boy, and i love that.

i smell like axe right now. specifically, axe snake peel. my skin is soft and exfoliated, and i smell wonderful.